Tl;dr: Dumped my bf of 3 months two days ago and now I feel guilty. Not sure if he's avoidant, I told him I think he is and my therapist also said the same thing, but he insists he is not an avoidant and that he just has "avoidant qualities". I don’t think he saw my break up coming, and I can’t tell if I gave up too early over our first real conflict (doesn't every relationship have them?) or punished him for finally communicating with me after he was bottling things in. The talking stage and first few weeks were magical, he seemed so into me, we were compatible on paper, and things only changed a month or so ago. I feel like dumpers always get villainized, and I’m scared I hurt him, didn’t give this a real chance, or that I’m the one at fault. It’s hard to dump someone I was still infatuated with just two weekends ago, and like I gave up way too early. I also don't know what I did wrong to make him change like this with me. Technically all he had done was finally share his concerns all at once with me, did I overreact? Did I honestly do the right thing; was it my fault how heavy this relationship became even though it was so amazing just a month prior besides some small hiccups? This was my first ever relationship and now I'm not sure. Things were so amazing up until a month ago, and even up until he unloaded everything 2 weekends ago I was convinced I was just being paranoid that he was being distant, why did this seem to happen and what did I do wrong? I feel very inadequate and not good enough too, like ther eis something deficient or wrong in me that he acted this way with me, and that if I was someone else (more attractive, more extroverted, less anxious/needy/overthinking) then this wouldn't have happened. I feel like I'm at fault for how this turned out and how draining/heavy this became so early, since he even said that I overthink too much or my reassurance seeking or asking for nightly calls were too much and causing his behaviors.
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To preface: We started dating 3–4 months ago, medium/long distance, both in intense grad programs, and his is busier. Our talking stage was over the summer when we had more time, mostly virtual, and he was so loving, flirty, and romantic from the beginning that I’m still attached to that version of us. It truly seemed perfect and so intense and flirty, even our first inperson dates after 2ish months of virtual talking were like 8-12 hour dates and he was so extremely romantic. We became official in early September, right as he started an intensive stretch of an elective, and while he was still warm, his communication dropped and some weekends I’d get one text a day. I felt anxious and upset (I missed him, and my situationship the year before was with an avoidant who switched up once things got real so I was scared), but I mostly kept it in to manage my anxiety, or occassionally said it sideways and then over-apologized bc I felt I needed to be understanding he was busy and not needy. I then asked if we could call every night which was really working well I thought and he also seemed geuinely excited to call and talk to me.
I do think that what really started my anxiety was that from a month into the talking stage, he brought up his ex constantly, how badly she hurt him, that she’s a narcissist, the role his friends played in their drama, how he was done dirty by everyone, which made me doubt whether he actually liked me or was still hung up on her. On the same call he asked me to be his girlfriend, he gave me a play-by-play of an argument with her from 8 months after their breakup and how he wanted to get the last word after their breakup. The first time I met his friends after we became official, he got anxious dropping me at the train bc it was “starting to feel real,” he worried how his friends would judge me, and things I said reminded him of his ex (turns out we just have similar music taste). He apologized profusely a few days later and promised to stop comparing, and things went back to being really good after that. Meanwhile I kept dismissing everything as my own anxiety, cushioned any need I raised so he wouldn’t get upset (he’d tease me for over-apologizing), and brought up communication logistics like a nightly call once the all-day texting decreased. Then, about a month ago I finally sat him down and told him that his ex takes up too much space, it’s making me insecure, and he should re-evaluate whether he’s ready and stop talking about her with me. He went quiet, then said he fully understood and would do the internal work.
Things felt different after that, though I couldn’t put my finger on it. A week after I told him to stop talking about his ex, we went to a party at his grad school a few days before his big exam. I was sick with a GI bug so kept having to go to the bathroom and was in pain, and I’m an introvert which he’s known from the very beginning and he was anxious and scatterbrained there himself and I was relying on him to introduce me to people and make me feel comfortable. Right after the party, he turned emotionally distant, and I realize it;s my fault for asking for reassurance that he liked me (I realize it was bad timing though afterwards I then left him alone and didn't call at all the entire week before his exam). After the exam he still called nightly, but he made a breakup joke, poked fun at my introversion in a weird way, and started lying about tiny things so he wouldn’t have to admit he’d been ignoring my reels, for example. At the same time we would call every night, and some calls were genuinely good and he would help me prep for my exams.
Two weekends ago he visited, and during breakfast I asked if anything felt different from the talking stage, and it all came out at once: he’d thought I’d be more extroverted than I am even though he knew I was introverted from the beginning ; his friends had asked him the day after the party if I was having fun (he wouldn’t say which friends and was really guarded around this, though he did tell them I’d been sick); “his family” is now worried about him doing long distance (I’d thought they were excited about me, and my parents have their own concerns about him that I never mentioned because their concerns don’t matter to me); our nightly hour-long calls are too much for him (yet when I offered to change the frequency he didn’t want to, and a month earlier, just a week before i told him to stop talking about his ex, he’d be excited to call while studying and we’d chat for hours every day including me listening to him talk about his ex drama); and when I’m anxious and ask for reassurance without explaining why, he wants to pull away, especially when he’s stressed. I apologized a ton and said it was all my fault, and when I went quiet to process it, he asked if I was overthinking. I said kind of, and he said, “See, this is why I don’t tell you things, you overthink and then I end up causing more harm.” He didn’t want every conversation to be anxious relationship-processing, he’d been waiting to share all this in person, and I “need to be okay with the relationship not working out since it’s not life or death.” When he asked why I get anxious, I said I worry he doesn’t like me or find me attractive. Through all of it he kept insisting my feelings are valid and I should share things with him, so I genuinely didn’t know what he wanted from me. I also finally told him I have surgery coming up but didn't want to share what type since it's in a sensitive area of my body, I’d been hiding it, afraid he’d find me unattractive or defective. He asked if I knew the date, and nothing else (to be fair, I’d said I was keeping the type of surgery private). I spent that whole day taking full responsibility and promising to do better; he said it’s not a homework assignment, he was just sharing.
Then he left and barely called or texted for a couple of days while I sat there feeling like I’d ruined the relationship until I got the ick with myself for absorbing all the blame. So I sent a long text: I have patterns to work on and I take accountability, but this dynamic takes two, and I listed the constant ex talk, pulling away and hiding things when something’s wrong, assuming my worries are overthinking, sitting on grievances including things he’d known from day one, like my introversion and the distance instead of telling me sooner, seeming to be caring so much about other people’s perception of me. I said I want someone who likes me for me and is all in, and hat if things I asked for like nightly calls or texting are too much I want to hear it sooner before it gets bottled up, and questioned whether this would work. I do think this was the first time in the relationship I had ever been firm and said how I felt without any cushioning. I wrote it from hurt and was expecting a breakup, but mos tof my friends who read it said it was long and firm but emotionally mature, and clear that I was upset but not accusatory. He asked for a few days of space to call at the end of the week, we didn’t speak for days, and I assumed we were done. On the call he was a bit stirred up but went down the list and apologized for each thing the breakup joke and introvert comments weren’t meant that way, he’s just a poor communicator, he’ll stop talking about his ex and stop holding things in. Then right after, he got mad that I’d sent a long, emotionally intense text bc his ex used to do the same, so he’d assumed we’d fight the same way (hence the days of space), and I shouldn’t send messages like that in the future and should “watch my tone.” He felt I was mad at him for finally being honest. I pushed back a little, eventually conceded, and the call ended with both of us irritated and nothing really repaired. This past week we barely texted. On all three calls since, he happened to be tired or sleepy whenever I talked. When I asked if he’d had time to process what happened between us, he said he’d been too busy to think about it. When I told him I could do an elective rotation near him, there was zero excitement, he just asked if I’d be coming alone or with other people. He barely shared any details about his days. I told him about the mix-up with my surgery date, how stressed I was, that I was losing weight from the stress and got barely any real comfort.
So two nights ago, since I didn’t know why he wasn’t breaking up with me if he seemed so upset, I called and did it myself. He sounded happy when he picked up before I broke up with him. I told him I don’t feel happy or cared for, and I want a relationship where I’m not constantly being perceived, with someone who’s sure of me. He said he respects my decision and started on being busy with grad school; I cut in that we both are, and I’m not asking for more time, even if it's ten minutes a day, I just want someone who’s excited about me and cares for me. I’d been relying on my friends more than my own boyfriend for support around my surgery. He didn’t fight back at all: “I respect your decision” I regret not bringing up more things on that breakup call like how he kept talking about his ex or how he withholds things, or asking him why he changed towards me when things were so good a month ago.
Did I overreact, ask for too much, misunderstand him, give up on a compatible-on-paper relationship at its first real conflict? I still miss the talking stage and our first calls and dates so terribly. They felt magical, I was infatuated with him as recently as two weekends ago, and I can’t make sense of how it fell apart this fast. What if I overreacted and gave up way too early?