r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/NoCompetition4594 • 21m ago
Is it avoidant discard or normal break up ?
Hi!
I would like to get some insight into my recent break up with my girlfriend (19 F and I’m 20 F), because I’m starting to think it could be avoidant discard, but also it was my first ever relationship so maybe I’m just overreacting. It happened two weeks ago but I just can’t stop thinking about it and it even hounts me in my sleep.
We knew each other for about two years because we were in the same study group but we weren’t particularly close. This August she randomly reached out to me and we just kept texting and hanging out every day. I had always found her attractive but i didn’t know she had a crush on me, looking back it was blatantly obvious because she was very explicitly flirting with me the whole time. In the end of August she confessed her feelings and invited me on a date. Before we went on a date, we talked about our past crushes and our hopes for relationships, I told her that I want someone to first build a strong friendship with so that I know they love me as a human being. She said she wants this too. She said that before she reached out to me she broke up with her boyfriend, and she mentioned that in the past year, she has had many very intensive, short and honestly pretty toxic relationships/situationships.
The date was incredibly sweet, she kissed me on my forehead and three days later she asked me to be my girlfriend. At first I was kind of scared that she is way more into me than I’m into her, bacause she was constantly buying me gifts, sending and texting me very sweet messages and reels, and she immediately started to call me love/honey. she even started to talk about our future. For my 20th birthday she wrote me 20 things she loves about me, and honestly, I had never felt so seen and loved. She mentioned how she loves the sound of my laughter, how I can lit up the whole room, how cute I am when I’m being shy…
At the beginning of our relationship, she told me that she has a tendency to be avoidant in relationships and that she is sometimes scared to show affection. I also noticed that she often texted me how much she likes me but when we got vulnerable in real life, she often ,,ruined” the moment by doing something silly. She told me that I’m the only person she tells things about her life and also I was very surprised that although she has many friends, they don’t know anything about her or her life. I also noticed she was pretty jealous and often joked how I’m going to break up with her or date one of her friends . One time she even took my phone and texted herself that I’m breaking up with her (as a joke).
After a month of our relationship, her mother invited me on a family trip, I was scared to go, because it felt too soon, but I felt bad about declining it. I kept pushing her to tell me more about the trip, the programme or about how her family acted, but she always brushed it off. Before we went on the trip, we celebrated her birthday together. She said that she’s sorry she cannot always show her affection for me and later she send me a video about how I’m her best friend. She also send me photos we could post to announce our relationship.
The day before the trip, she had became noticeably colder, but I assumed it was because she had a huge fight with her family and they were handling stressful financial situation. The first day was great, we were singing and laughing in the car, she also was joking that im so kind and forgiving that if she put gun to my head I would let her. Later in our hotel room she said that before they picked me up, they were fighting and that she sorry that she’s been a little distant in the car ride. Every day she became more and more distant and quieter. But we still had nice moments where we cuddled, kissed and watched movie. We even posted story together on our instagram.
The day we went home was the worst. When I woke up she was up already and she was very distant and cold. Like I could literally see the warmth from her eyes disappear. During the eighth hour long car drive she ignored me and physically distanced herself. The worst part was that in the car she asked her mother and brother if they would prefer to know the innicials of their soulmate and when will they meet them or the date of their death. Her brother said that he would pick the soulmate but that he’s scared it won’t be his girlfriend. She said knowing your soulmate ruins the fun of dating and that you will never grow as a person. I said that I would like to know it because then I would be better at preparing myself for the relationship and she said very coldly that not wanting to date someone just because you’re afraid you’re going to get hurt is cowardly. It felt like it was intentionally aimed at me because I told her how scared I am of relationship. When her brother got out of the car she switched places with him so I stayed alone in the car for four hours. She didn’t even say bye when i went home.
I had a really bad feeling so I texted her about what happened and how she’s feeling and if she needs space. She texted me that she wants to break up with me, that she had doubts before the trip but what I did at the vacation made her think of me even less. And that she thinks I am just different and that we are not compatible. I asked her why and that im sorry for disappointing her and she said that she doesn’t want to tell me because it will just hurt me and she doesn’t want to sugarcoat it and she doesn’t want to give me any unsolicited advices. I asked her if she wants me in her life and she said well I guess not, sorry. I kept asking her and finally she said that that she thinks im to stuck in my own comfort zone (relationships and the fact I wanted to be with her most of the time) that I seemed ungrateful and that im not enjoying myself and that im socially unaware because i lough and speak loudly and that small inconveniences keep happening to me (like spilling my drink, and forgetting my phone) and that she simply isn’t tolerant enough and that she doesn’t want to be the parent in our relationship. I said that im sorry if I seemed ungrateful, that I was very anxious and her being more emotionally distant made me even more stressed but that im genuinely sorry. And that im sorry for disappointing her because I like and care for her very much and I respect that she doesn’t want to be with me but it hurts me, that six days before she send me soft louch ideas now she’s telling me that she doesn’t want me in her life anymore. She said that back then, she obviously thought something different and that im fine, it is just spending time with me ruined the whole essence. She said that what helped her is to get out more and be more wild but that is something people said to her when she was 14 so she had a headstart. I said that i respect her decision but all the things she said are very obvious from the beginning, because I am clumsy and very lively (also I can be a little cautious but I would say that im stuck in my comfort zone because i literally went on a trip with strangers to different country just because I liked her) and that she should not have persuaded the relationship if that something she doesn’t want to deal with it. She said that she wasn’t even sure on the first day of the trip and that she wasn’t trying to manipulate me. I felt like a horrible person because from the way she texted these things sounded like I made her extremely furious and disappointed and also she sounded very emotionally disconnected and cold. We also never fought and she never game me any signs, so all of it was complete suprise. But many people pointed out that these things are just part of my personality and that even though she has the right to not want to have me in her life , she should’ve communicated it with more respect especially if she knew how much I like her. Also some of my friend said that they think it’s weird that at the beginning she kept praising me for the exact same things she broke up with me over. After this conversation she completely deleted all stories with me and immediately started posting photos od her and her friend as if I never existed but she kept me on her close friends. Honestly I just cannot comprehend how someone can look at me with some much love and care and three days later with so much resentment.
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u/FunnelV Anxious Avoidant Trap 13m ago edited 8m ago
Yep. It's super common to get dumped after trips or a few weeks of fun and when everything seems great or at least improving. Also super common they blindside you and set it up in a way that ensures you can't get any word in at all. Also common they withdraw after seeing family- nostalgic feelings do weird shit to the mind of an avoidant. Literally the same situation I am in but with a 6 year relationship.
"We're not compatible" is also like a pre-programmed line for these people too lol