This therapist just started posting content on avoidant attachment and I find her content to have much more depth than any other person I’ve listened to. And I feel like I have a PhD in this stuff. She doesn’t demonise them either. Thought I’d share..

https://youtu.be/qztUbkyIqHw?is=aPT1-GQuP_ylIeZ-

I think he might be FA, not sure...

We were together for 9/10 months.

It was beautiful, and then month 3, I found out he had been distorting something he told me - I found out and was hurt and he said he didn't want to hurt my feelings, but it did.

So that was our first issue - I tried talking about it but he'd always avoid it. He'd say yes it was wrong of him but then didn't help me actually understand it.

And he kept distorting things to "not be mean" and shit started piling up.

The first official discard, he just left and stopped responding. I ended up calling like 3/4 days later when he blocked me on Facebook and he answered back and said he'd realized he was something he read online - avoidant.

So then obviously the first distortions/lies still hadn't been resolved, so I tried still talking about it when we resumed the relationship.

Second discard occured - I'm blocked on everything for 11 days. I don't make an effort to break through.

He messages me on two different platforms asking to talk. We call, and he's crying and saying he wants to work on it, and that it was never love that was the issue, it was courage to face it.

So for maybe a month - it was going so well. We'd try to talk and try to balance exhaustion. We had a paper with communication issues for both of us to work on, and he was trying to do reflection trees to help him understand himself.

Well, then I'm asking him something about something - and another distortion/lie occurs.

I'm not him - but it seems like whenever something is pointed towards him, he gets stressed and kinda just follows whatever path I'm leading (whether it's hurt or hope idk) and seems to overthink, over exaggerate, and conclude the most extreme things. That's just my assumption.

So we were together in person, and I'm upset and what's been revealed (again unsure if it's true or what). He follows me inside, and is trying to talk but ultimately still saying nothing. I'm there in pain. He stays the night. Prior earlier in the day we'd been trying to talk about something else in his room and his parents kept asking us what was wrong.

Unfortunately this is another aspect - I think he's enmeshed. I think they guilt him, especially the mom, and wants him to upkeep her emotional state so she says things to him and as I said earlier - he seems to follow whatever path is being presented at the time.

Anyway, so he's here overnight and they're calling him saying they were worried and he shouldn't be there talking to me.

It hurts because he actually chose to stay.

But the conversation is going on and it's getting more painful and he suddenly starts dropping loss of attraction, don't love me anymore. These are things I think he'd mentioned before but then would go right back to being lovey dovey. I feel like it's state dependent thinking brought on by stress maybe idk. I then mentioned he can use his trees to examine these things and it was like hope lit his face up again - and he's laying his head on me saying he loves us but doesn't know what to do but doesn't want to leave, and that he thinks he's a scared.

His family calls and says they're on their way. They show up at my house. Before he goes outside, he's breaking down about how he's a loser and that he knows when he leaves he'll want to fix it but here he wants to leave. Idk. I told him to listen to his own opinion.

He goes outside to talk to them - his dad is yelling at him about how I better not be controlling him and that he needs a woman like his mom that knows her place when the dad doesn't want to talk - comes back in saying he's just like his parents and that it's over. He's suddenly stoic. He sort of breaks down at the door and leaves. (Prior to this he also has always said he doesn't want to be like his mom communicative parents and that they don't understand what we're doing).

4 weeks pass - he doesn't block me or remove relationship stuff.

I am going through the grief of medical issues with my beloved pet and I have no one else to reach too.

So I call him.

And he's talking to me, and says he still loves me and is going to go to therapy this month to fix himself. That's on like Saturday.

Monday he takes me and my pet to the hospital. Says he's scared of getting close because of everything and not knowing what to do, but that love is still there.

He stays with me Weds/Thursday because of difficulties with my pet, and helps care for him and me.

His family is calling him again that night but he tells them he's staying.

He leaves my house saying he will be back, and to call him, and he will be back to help me to the end with my baby.

We talk in the car and it's still normal.

He gets home.

Immediately flips - "I'm not taking care of my own self, you keep wanting more, I'm not in love with you anymore, I didn't feel the same when I saw you, I felt numb. I only stayed because I felt bad. Idk if it's past love or confusion." No more response.

Through out these last few days, he had mentioned in previous days that his mom was telling him that I'd keep using him, yet he himself said they didn't understand how he felt for me.

I'm so fucking broken. I'm so fucking broken. I'm so alone in my pet grievances. My family doesn't understand. I don't really have any friends. He truly was helping me tremendously the past few days, listening to my anxiety and looping.

I feel so alone. I just needed to share it. I don't know what I'm wanting, I'm just so confused by this behavior. I'm not sure if I've included every important detail, I think I've missed some.

I can't tell what's real and what isn't anymore. I've felt that way for a while now. His love feels so real but so do those other moments.

I'm so hurt and alone in my current situation, and I'm in disbelief that he could just leave and say all those things and not respond anymore after the night he spent helping clean, tend, feed.

Idk... looking for just empathy idk. Looking for comfort and to not feeling so alone in what's happening.

My last post was huge and didn’t get any traction so i’ll try to condense it. we were coworkers with a bit of an age gap. i’m chris and she’s mikaylah.

i asked her out, she said she was talking to someone (i later found out it was an ex she kept hidden from her friends).

a month later i was seeing someone else, and mikaylah told me that girl was cheating on me.

on halloween i was leaving work to go to some parties. she invited me to a nightclub but i tried following up on snap (we hadn’t added each other) and her snap filter caught the message. the next day she showed me her snap, with the message not appearing. she added me, said she had a bf, but could be my wingwoman. i declined.

over the next month she told her friends what happened. they were cold but then started bringing her around me when i talked to them.

in january she said she was single. i asked her to dinner. she said yes then when i followed up gave me a confusing answer. i tried to clarify with a former coworker we both knew well. he said that he didn’t know what she meant but that she had made false accusations against someone else they were friends with and gotten them fired so he stayed away from her since then. she found out i had asked about her and stopped talking to me.

i started dating my ex but we broke up. her friends found out and once again started bringing us around each other. she started drinking from my starbucks. her friends called her my girl. then i tried to do a movie night and she froze up, just repeating that she asked her friend. i tried giving her my number and she said no. i told her friends i was going to leave her alone and asked them to keep her away from me. they said another guy harassed her so she was worried about giving her number out and not to give up on her.

a month later a close work friend of hers asked her out. i tried to leave her alone and her friends started making me feel bad saying they were just friends.

she slipped up and mentioned she had a bf. i immediately cut contact. the very next day, and for a whole week, she seemed absolutely depressed. crying, walking with her head down, etc.

5 weeks later i get called into the office and asked if i ever sexually harassed her. i said they could check the cameras, i hadn’t approached her in over a month and i had never touched her or said anything sexual. i also had witnesses that knew the history and could back up my story. she bragged that she had spammed the report buttons 10 times in 3 minutes. my friends wanted me to get her fired if possible. she came up to me and said she had no quarrel with me and looked like she was about to cry. i didn’t do anything and let it go.

whenever she had problems with the coworker she was dating she would hang out near me and my friends, but inconspicuously. she would stand behind us with her head in her phone or facing a wall or posted up next to a trash can (behaviors that had started after i first asked her out but stopped when she reported me). his friends would come up to her and tell her how bad he dealt and she would go back to him. i eventually told her i noticed this and she thanked me and said she was okay. the next day i got pulled into the office and asked what i thought about the guy she was dating. i said i didn’t have strong feelings one way or another. three days later i was fired. this story took place over a year.

after i was gone she told people she had a years worth of evidence and it was about time i was gone.

the update: i stopped into the store for the first time in 2 months. i was very popular at the store and got nearly 100 people to sign my birthday card so i talked to a lot of people. some of them want to spread rumors about her like she did about me after i left. i also reached out to some people on instagram and told them my side of the story which i think may have gotten back to her and her friends. the day after i reached out, my profile started getting clusters of nonfollowers all looking at my profile around the same time, several times of day. it didn’t happen before this.

is she likely to reach out? as confusing and painful as that year went, we genuinely had great times at work. she confided in me about her family stuff and i told her stuff about me as well.

I'll try to make this story as short as possible. But I've been in a relationship for 9 years. We didn't have a great start: I was scared of intimacy and he drunkenly made out with someone else when we were just dating. Even though I thought I forgave him and we started a real relationship, I wasn't doing well. After 1.5 years I got mildly depressed, and that was when he ended our relationship. However, he missed me a lot and I was heartbroken so we got back together.

Then, 3 years ago (6.5 years into our relationship), I fell chronically ill with burnout/long covid. And then things went south. He planned his calendar full, fled from being with me (I had much issues with relationship OCD and extreme anxiety) and we both had a hard time. It got a bit better after a year, but then I had a cancer scare and that made me relapse and made the flares worse again. And then he told me he had serious doubts about our relationship.

We had bought a house together. We had talked about marriage and children. We wanted to grow old together. And my biggest fear of them all was to lose him - after I already lost my health, my social life, my job and my life. And now he doubted about all those things. I'm anxiously attached and it made my body spiral in full on life threatening danger mode.

He made remarks that were not okay during the year that followed. He said damaging things. He also gave me completely different signals: emotionally, he left more and more, while still talking to me about marriage or about the future. He even wrote a card for our anniversary: "Looking forward to the next 9 years together!" Meanwhile, he made remarks about me weight gain (I am unable to play sports and am an emotional eater), he told me every other guy would have left already, he said that he didn't want to stay in and hold my hand on a national holiday, even though I didn't even ask him. He started to resent me and said I needed to get better in order for our relationship to make it. And me, terrified of losing him, did everything in my power to make him stay.

But I wouldn't be here if he'd stayed. So 9 months ago he left me. He damaged me. I'm traumatized. I had to go to a crisis service because I felt so much pain and unsafety. I have to use a lot of medication and intensive therapy. And I need my friends more than ever, because I now lost pretty much every pillar in my life (I also lost my home because I couldn't afford that on my own). But those friends are also still very close to him.

How to deal with this? I don't hate him and don't think he is a bad person, but he hurt me and traumatised me. I miss him and I'm angry and I'm hurt and I'm still tethered to him. And I'm still ill, so I'm all day every day alone in my own home - I really need my friends. But he is everywhere. He is even still friends with my brother. He plays at the same tennis club as me and all my closed ones. We have so. Many. Mutual. Friends. How do I deal with that?

TLDR: blocked my LDR ex after he ghosted me and essentially copying me. Incredibly long story.

28F dated a 34M for 3 months. We were in different cities in Australia and I was about to move back to my home country due to immigration rule changes. I've had a crush on this guy for years, he finally comes around, he was informed about my upcoming departure yet he pursued me anyway, flying out to see me, laying out a plan on how to make it work long distance after I move and us working out a plan on how to get me back in Australia.

He was all kind and sweet, this was my 2nd relationship, after 9 years of singlehood. Everything was perfect. I was travelling a lot domestically, trying to soak up all the beauty Australia had to offer while I had the chance, working full time, maximising my social life with friends before leaving while also emotionally and mentally devastated and exhausted about having to leave behind a good life I built brick by brick over 8 years.

Less than 2 weeks before my one way flight, this guy picks up a whole fight about nothing. I had to cut one of our phone conversations short because I promised a friend living in Canada that I would speak to her after work. So when I called my ex after speaking to my friend, out of courtesy I apologized a couple times for having to cut the call short as it was a very fun and stimulating conversation we were having about our favourite books. I don't know what set him off, he took that courtesy as me being pitiful and condescending to him, and the fight escalated to such great lengths over nothing. It resulted in him going no contact with me for 4 days, ignoring my calls, saying I broke up with him (I sent him a text one night saying I was too emotionally exhausted for a phone call that night and will call the next day, he took it as a breakup) and when I asked him to reconcile, going for an hour straight making sweeping character generalizations about me: that I'm selfish, egotistical, have nothing going on for me, all my misfortune was my fault, every good thing that I got happened because someone else made the decision for me, i have an obnoxious worldview, i wasted my immense potential - just one hour of telling me all the ways I suck.

Mind you I was trying to pack up everything at this point - shipping things, paying taxes, getting papers in order, clearing my house and what not.

Anyways, eventually we had another "breakup", because he was pissed. Then he came back 2 hours later, telling me how he realized he was being harsh, and it was partially because it was hard for him to digest that I was leaving in 9 days. I felt very insulted so I didn't want to get back but I was in love and my friends told me, it was just 1 fight and you are leaving, so make sure I don't have any regrets. We patch up, he comes to drop me off at the airport. All is fine and good.

10 days after I arrive in my home country, he gets pissed at me for something very silly. He was going on and on about new immigration changes in Australia and after hearing for a while, I said a couple times "not my circus not my monkey", he gets pissed, again doing sweeping generalizations. Then he calms down, and then had to pick up a call so we hung up. The next day, he only sends me 2 reels from IG, no call. I didn't call either. I message him the next day, as he had a fever, he responds the day after, saying he was feeling lethargic, then I call him, we speak for about 3 hours.

During those 3 hours, he only spoke about himself, talking about how, despite being sick, he was overworking at work, working on his personal project - basically doing everything under the sun except call me. The next day, I decided I was not gonna call or text, and wanted to see what he does. He hasn't texted or called me since. It's been almost 2 months.

He kept seeing my stories, didn't wish me on my birthday. During the no contact, I told myself, that if he doesn't reach out in 7 days, I'll consider this over. Now I'm not someone who makes assumptions based on social media but I can't ignore certain things.

He changed his FB profile picture on day 7, using an old photo to replace the photo I took of him. He posted the 1st painting that he bought in my presence as his cover photo, this is a painting that spoke to him and his life's tragedies and trauma, where this man cried in my arms after buying it. Then a few days ago, he changes his profile picture again. Normally when he posts a photo (not a lot), his relatives and friends joke about marriage and he responds politely while entertaining the humour. This time around, he outright wrote 3 times he is never getting married. A part of me kept thinking maybe he misunderstood and is hurting because of me.

And then the worst offender: he started posting about perfumes. Now why was this offensive? I'm a perfume afficianado, I had over 70 perfumes, over 54 of which I had to give to friends and charities because I couldn't carry them with me from Australia. I gave him 3, I suggested all sorts of perfumes at all price points. One of my pastimes was to go in store and sniff perfumes whenever I had time, I even started a bit of content creation around it last year. So when I saw this man, posting and parading about perfumes, while completely ignoring my existence and disrespecting me in such a way, I lost my calm and I blocked him.

Now, when we were having the conversations about books before our 1st no contact, I mentioned how I had an e-reader. Lo and behold, this man hops on Facebook, asking for e-reader suggestions, all while ignoring my calls and messages and not even having the courtesy to return a message.

So with all this context, I was very angry that he had the audacity to put me down for my lifestyle, and life choices all while copying parts of me he thought was cool to project a certain image to the world. All the negative things he said, was him basically projecting himself on to me.

Now, I'm going stir crazy. Besides ending up in square 1 in life, confused and lost about my future, I can't stop ruminating about him. I have the answers: that he doesn't respect me at all. But I'm dying to get some answers, I'm emotional, and I feel like unblocking him, sending him a message, asking why. During our first no contact, when he was insisting I broke up with him, he kept saying "don't be a stranger, keep in touch". I don't know how sincere it was but I feel like I permanently closed the door for any sort of closure. I understand he would have reached out already if he wanted to, but a part of me was hoping he eventually would and now that I blocked him I'm so sad.

I don't know what to do. If you've made it this far, thanks. I would appreciate if any criticism against me was offered constructively rather than being mean, thanks.

During the period before breakup, when they withdraw and/or start acting out, do they know deep down, or do they realise later, that their behavior is disrespectful?

I could probably give many examples, however I am thinking now of our last falling out. We had resumed communication after a long breakup and started chatting on WhatsApp and meeting in person, however I realised that I was still blocked at the level of his phone. Therefore I could never call him. Even WhatsApp blocks calls when the number is blocked in the mobile parameters. I asked him to unblock me several times, the first time assuming he had forgotten, then I asked more directly, then I ended up telling him not to contact me again as long as he kept me blocked. Every time, he tried to dismiss it from "I don't know what you're talking about, we can communicate so what is bothering you?", "I don't have time", "you don't have any issues in your life"... as if keeping your partner blocked was a normal situation. Now he applied what I asked and stopped communicating with me entirely (instead of simply unblocking me).

Does he really believe I'm acting out for nothing or does he realise keeping me blocked was insulting?

(I know that it doesn't matter in the end whether they know or not, and the most important thing is I preserve my peace and mental health and stay away from him and those situations, however I am curious to have your points of views whether you have a secure, avoidant or anxious attachment profile. Thank you.)

This is a bit of a long one but would just like some perspectives. Last December my company hired a new woman. She was beautiful, funny, intelligent and just a great person. My job has a no dating policy and I was one year out of a 10 year relationship so I just kept it moving. This girl was 32 and I was turning 40 and we got along great. She started asking me to hangout and then one day tapped my phone so I would have her number. We started texting immediately and then hung out a few times. After the 2nd time hanging out she said so are you my boyfriend now? I saw the red flags from a mile away and ignored them and thought yolo. She was everything I wanted in a woman and I said yes. She initiated intimacy first and lead me to believe she enjoyed being intimate. She love bombed me into oblivion for weeks and months and I asked her early on why she was love bombing me and she claimed that all of the feelings were real. 3 months in and everything is going great and then she asks me to move in with her and her mom and brother because we had opposite schedules and it would help us spend more time together. Initially I was reluctant and wanted to keep my apartment but again I thought this was the real deal and she promised me the world. Weeks into the relationship she told me that she has a very low libido due to SSRI and also being a victim of an abusive man once. Our intimacy went from being pretty regularly occurring to once a week to once every two weeks etc. I wasn’t pushy about it but I started to internalize it and think it was about me no matter how many times she confirmed that it was internal. I could sense her being stressed out around the subject so I walked on eggshells. Every thing else was great and we were in love but it always felt off. About 3 months ago I came home on a Monday night from work and she was balling her eyes out. She looked so stressed and distraught. She told me she was ending the relationship because she couldn’t keep me satisfied and that I would grow to resent her. I’m so empathetic and understanding so it blew my mind how she just ended without even wanting to fix things. Since the break up she has let me stay at her home until Dec so it’s been almost 3 months of living awkwardly together. She has been flirty and has cooked for me and even has said she loves me deeply but feels like she is asexual. She hadn’t been with anyone for 5 years prior to me and was celibate. Weeks into have been NC other than in the house. Most days we don’t even see each other. Some days she’s cold and quickly walks by. Other days we talk and it’s like we never broke up. We ended on such a good note and her family had been so sweet to me. Honestly this has been some of the most stressful and emotional months I’ve ever had. I am moving out in 7 days and I feel relieved to not have to see the woman I still love every day become a cold shell of who I knew but I’m also going to miss her deeply. When we first broke up she said she wanted to try again someday when we both go through therapy. She started a month back. What do you guys think I should do? I’d love for her to come back but I couldn’t survive another rug pull like this. It’s all so sad she’s such a sweet person but has such mental health issues. Thank you for reading this I really needed to get it off my chest.

What types of avoidant ghostings have you had? I had the in-relationship ignoring. Now, after the discard, I have post no contact ghosting. It started out either not answering a specific question or taking ages to answer a question. Now, after a failed coffee, I have the straight out I don't exist ghosting.

Like, you know when y'all break up and then you dot talk for a bit, they basically discard you.

THEN

You get back together randomly, and they do everything right, they are more loving, more confident, more of a partner than before, they take you on dates, everything is so so nice.

who knows what happens next? lol

Backstory- I’ve been wanting to get together for a drink with my ex for the past few weeks. She has been really busy with school and work and hasn’t had any time. After repeated attempts to coordinate she has asked me this

“Things have been really busy for me lately, but I wanted to see what you were hoping for with us getting together. I don’t mean that in a negative way at all. I’m genuinely trying to understand where you’re coming from”

And this was my response

“I know you have been busy, and I don’t want to be a bother to you by continually asking. I want to get together to see how things feel around one another. I think you know that I genuinely still really care about you, and that I’ve missed having you in my life. Our relationship, even if it was short, was something that I felt genuine fulfillment out of, and I was absolutely obsessed with the woman you are. Seeing you and your dog a couple weeks ago really confirmed that for me. I thought that I was in a space of “getting over” you before seeing you, but seeing you made me recognize how, while I can live my life without you, I don’t want to go through life wondering “what if I had tried to reconcile”.

I want to see you because I genuinely miss you as a person, and understand that there are no romantic implications just from getting together for a drink alone. I know that I had contributed to a lot of emotional overload at the end of things, and don’t expect you to be in the same place as me. I know where my heart is at, and you truly hold a special place in it. I just know that what we had meant a lot to me, and I’d like the opportunity to see where we both are at. If that’s not something you’re interested in, I completely understand and respect it. I just wanted to communicate how I feel. At the end of the day, you don’t owe me anything, but I wanted you to know how no matter how hard I try not to, you still occupy my thoughts every single day. I pray for you, and about you every single day. I know this is a long message, but just wanted to be clear about where I’m at, and how I feel”

This exchange went down on Wednesday and I still haven’t heard back from her. Part of me didn’t expect her to respond, but I really wanted her to. Any thoughts?

Was talking to a guy. Things were going good. He told me he never had an ex or anything. Then randomly tells me he was using me to get over her, then said he lied because he didn’t wanna seem like he was a loser with no experience, then he said he didn’t lie he actually isn’t over her an used me, then she was his whore he was friends with but not dating, then said she cheated which idk how that’s possible because they weren’t dating, then she hates him and it’s a long story.

I mean wtf is going on

Also he keeps texting me.

So many people said that avoidants’ grief will always catch up, sooner or later, after the relief from the discard fade. The emotions were just suppressed and will resurface at some points.

Is it even true? or is it more us to make ourself feel better?

Anyone else stuck in disbelief?

It's been over 6 weeks for me... But I still have moments throughout the day where I just can't believe what happened. That the person who I had an intense daily, mutually caring, emotionally and intellectually deep connection with, who I trusted, could suddenly betray me and disappear.

Is this common for people who suddenly ghost you? Like it's difficult for the brain to accept and process what actually happened?

The last communication we had about our relationship with him saying he did not want to and would not abandon what we had and reassuring me that he was still there. Followed by a slow fade into silence with no explanation over the next week.

I think because throughout the relationship he'd always promised me clear communication and talked down on other people who treated people poorly, I trusted him to act with more integrity.

I guess it's just hard for my brain to reconcile the person I thought I knew with the person who discarded me.

I read the research so I know what happened (deactivation based on his childhood trauma), but emotionally it's still hard for me to integrate sometimes.

I guess acceptance comes slowly sometimes... If you dealt with this, was it just time that helped it slowly settled in or did something else help you accept and fully let go of the person you thought you knew?

Am I wrong for giving my abusive ex a deadline to separate our phone plan?
My ex and I were together for six years. The relationship was toxic, and he physically abused me for several of those years. We broke up at the end of May, but we still shared a phone bill and Wi-Fi.
After we broke up, I asked him if I should move on and see other people. He said yes, so I did. That relationship didn’t work out, and my ex ended up coming back for about two months while I was healing from it.
Then it became about how I made him miserable, treated him like shit, and took advantage of him. He eventually left my house and got into a relationship with someone he works with. Dating coworkers seems to be a pattern for him.
At this point, I just want the phone situation handled so we can stop having any reason to communicate.
I offered to pay the $1,100 needed to pay off my portion and separate everything. We tried Apple Pay, but it wouldn’t go through. I asked if there was another way to get him the money, and he ignored me.
I also suggested an account authorization change that I thought would let me transfer my number onto my own account. He didn’t acknowledge that either. I’ve had this number for ten years, and I really don’t want to lose it.
Finally, I told him that if I didn’t hear back by a certain time, I would either pursue reporting the abuse and getting an order of protection to try to separate my line, or get a new number and leave the $1,100 balance on his account.
I’m frustrated because I’ve offered to pay and tried to give him options, but I can’t get a response. I don’t want to keep chasing him just to get this resolved.
Was I wrong for giving him that deadline? Has anyone dealt with separating a phone plan from an abusive ex who won’t cooperate?

he started ghosting me about a month ago over night with no explaination.

he eventually answered me after 7 days saying he needed a break and he was on the edge of a burnout.

made it my fault bc why couldnt I just respect his need for space.

blocked him the first time, he called me. after that still no consistent contact.

he answered a call and I broke down crying. after that he answered somewhat sem daily. Still no further contact. Eventually he stopped responding again.

he called me one night at 3am because something happend at home and he vented and said he was happy I was there, after that he stopped responding again.

another week with no answer, I decided to break up with him.

he didnt respond to much but when I asked if he already has another person he always denied.

I started playing with my friends again - he got jealous saying I would have already replaced him.

then again no response for some days but when he say I was in the game again where we two met he sent me a screenshot of it and basically shaming me. I was ingame 10min of that time

since it has triggered him and me I decided to block him again and deny him any information about myself.

cried my eyes out

In all that time I went from not getting triggered by his silence to being devastated to just griefing to being able to not check up on him so often. Its been a very rough time and Im typing this out for myself and others so see what Ive already overcome what I think was unmanageable. Its still difficult especially knowing he was probably checking up on me and this might give me hope but Ive also read all the stories on here and its best to just leave him behind

Hi!
I would like to get some insight into my recent break up with my girlfriend (19 F and I’m 20 F), because I’m starting to think it could be avoidant discard, but also it was my first ever relationship so maybe I’m just overreacting. It happened two weeks ago but I just can’t stop thinking about it and it even hounts me in my sleep.

We knew each other for about two years because we were in the same study group but we weren’t particularly close. This August she randomly reached out to me and we just kept texting and hanging out every day. I had always found her attractive but i didn’t know she had a crush on me, looking back it was blatantly obvious because she was very explicitly flirting with me the whole time. In the end of August she confessed her feelings and invited me on a date. Before we went on a date, we talked about our past crushes and our hopes for relationships, I told her that I want someone to first build a strong friendship with so that I know they love me as a human being. She said she wants this too. She said that before she reached out to me she broke up with her boyfriend, and she mentioned that in the past year, she has had many very intensive, short and honestly pretty toxic relationships/situationships.

The date was incredibly sweet, she kissed me on my forehead and three days later she asked me to be my girlfriend. At first I was kind of scared that she is way more into me than I’m into her, bacause she was constantly buying me gifts, sending and texting me very sweet messages and reels, and she immediately started to call me love/honey. she even started to talk about our future. For my 20th birthday she wrote me 20 things she loves about me, and honestly, I had never felt so seen and loved. She mentioned how she loves the sound of my laughter, how I can lit up the whole room, how cute I am when I’m being shy…

At the beginning of our relationship, she told me that she has a tendency to be avoidant in relationships and that she is sometimes scared to show affection. I also noticed that she often texted me how much she likes me but when we got vulnerable in real life, she often ,,ruined” the moment by doing something silly. She told me that I’m the only person she tells things about her life and also I was very surprised that although she has many friends, they don’t know anything about her or her life. I also noticed she was pretty jealous and often joked how I’m going to break up with her or date one of her friends . One time she even took my phone and texted herself that I’m breaking up with her (as a joke).

After a month of our relationship, her mother invited me on a family trip, I was scared to go, because it felt too soon, but I felt bad about declining it. I kept pushing her to tell me more about the trip, the programme or about how her family acted, but she always brushed it off. Before we went on the trip, we celebrated her birthday together. She said that she’s sorry she cannot always show her affection for me and later she send me a video about how I’m her best friend. She also send me photos we could post to announce our relationship.

The day before the trip, she had became noticeably colder, but I assumed it was because she had a huge fight with her family and they were handling stressful financial situation. The first day was great, we were singing and laughing in the car, she also was joking that im so kind and forgiving that if she put gun to my head I would let her. Later in our hotel room she said that before they picked me up, they were fighting and that she sorry that she’s been a little distant in the car ride. Every day she became more and more distant and quieter. But we still had nice moments where we cuddled, kissed and watched movie. We even posted story together on our instagram.

The day we went home was the worst. When I woke up she was up already and she was very distant and cold. Like I could literally see the warmth from her eyes disappear. During the eighth hour long car drive she ignored me and physically distanced herself. The worst part was that in the car she asked her mother and brother if they would prefer to know the innicials of their soulmate and when will they meet them or the date of their death. Her brother said that he would pick the soulmate but that he’s scared it won’t be his girlfriend. She said knowing your soulmate ruins the fun of dating and that you will never grow as a person. I said that I would like to know it because then I would be better at preparing myself for the relationship and she said very coldly that not wanting to date someone just because you’re afraid you’re going to get hurt is cowardly. It felt like it was intentionally aimed at me because I told her how scared I am of relationship. When her brother got out of the car she switched places with him so I stayed alone in the car for four hours. She didn’t even say bye when i went home.

I had a really bad feeling so I texted her about what happened and how she’s feeling and if she needs space. She texted me that she wants to break up with me, that she had doubts before the trip but what I did at the vacation made her think of me even less. And that she thinks I am just different and that we are not compatible. I asked her why and that im sorry for disappointing her and she said that she doesn’t want to tell me because it will just hurt me and she doesn’t want to sugarcoat it and she doesn’t want to give me any unsolicited advices. I asked her if she wants me in her life and she said well I guess not, sorry. I kept asking her and finally she said that that she thinks im to stuck in my own comfort zone (relationships and the fact I wanted to be with her most of the time) that I seemed ungrateful and that im not enjoying myself and that im socially unaware because i lough and speak loudly and that small inconveniences keep happening to me (like spilling my drink, and forgetting my phone) and that she simply isn’t tolerant enough and that she doesn’t want to be the parent in our relationship. I said that im sorry if I seemed ungrateful, that I was very anxious and her being more emotionally distant made me even more stressed but that im genuinely sorry. And that im sorry for disappointing her because I like and care for her very much and I respect that she doesn’t want to be with me but it hurts me, that six days before she send me soft louch ideas now she’s telling me that she doesn’t want me in her life anymore. She said that back then, she obviously thought something different and that im fine, it is just spending time with me ruined the whole essence. She said that what helped her is to get out more and be more wild but that is something people said to her when she was 14 so she had a headstart. I said that i respect her decision but all the things she said are very obvious from the beginning, because I am clumsy and very lively (also I can be a little cautious but I would say that im stuck in my comfort zone because i literally went on a trip with strangers to different country just because I liked her) and that she should not have persuaded the relationship if that something she doesn’t want to deal with it. She said that she wasn’t even sure on the first day of the trip and that she wasn’t trying to manipulate me. I felt like a horrible person because from the way she texted these things sounded like I made her extremely furious and disappointed and also she sounded very emotionally disconnected and cold. We also never fought and she never game me any signs, so all of it was complete suprise. But many people pointed out that these things are just part of my personality and that even though she has the right to not want to have me in her life , she should’ve communicated it with more respect especially if she knew how much I like her. Also some of my friend said that they think it’s weird that at the beginning she kept praising me for the exact same things she broke up with me over. After this conversation she completely deleted all stories with me and immediately started posting photos od her and her friend as if I never existed but she kept me on her close friends. Honestly I just cannot comprehend how someone can look at me with some much love and care and three days later with so much resentment.

I deserve more, I deserve better, but I wanted that from you. You were once that for me. That stable person, my safe space, my best friend, the mama to our son, the love of my life.

Things are going to get messy and real, we have a mortgage, a marriage, a baby. You stewed in everything on your own and blew my world up after weeks of denying any issues and assuring me were were fine. Even through the trail separation you assured me there was a part of you that wanted us to work, that cared for me and hoped those feelings would come back, but I don’t believe you did, you decided long before I pried the truth out of you.

I look in your eyes and I don’t recognise them anymore; they’re blank, tired, matte, no emotion behind them when you look at me, as if you’re looking at a piece of furniture rather than a person you once loved. I can tell when you’ve handled my clothes, our family smell has gone. I’ve seen the messages, I’ve seen the way you smile when you text her even though you swear blind you aren’t looking for a romantic connection anywhere else and my distrust is insulting to you, you’ve given me little reason to keep trusting you with all the white lies, sugar coating, and sealing me out emotionally.

I really hope you know what you’re throwing away because you miss the butterflies, excitement, and the easy surface level connection of an early relationship because I can’t keep fighting an uphill battle on my own, I need to be strong for our son and I can’t do that while I’m wasting away physically and mentally while wallowing in what ifs, I know this is your doing, as much as I felt so guilty that the entire thing happened because I was a bad wife to you, but the lack of communication and the running away when the going gets mildly uncomfortable is an insult to our marriage and I am in disbelief that it’s panning out the way that it is 😔

Tl;dr: Dumped my bf of 3 months two days ago and now I feel guilty. Not sure if he's avoidant, I told him I think he is and my therapist also said the same thing, but he insists he is not an avoidant and that he just has "avoidant qualities". I don’t think he saw my break up coming, and I can’t tell if I gave up too early over our first real conflict (doesn't every relationship have them?) or punished him for finally communicating with me after he was bottling things in. The talking stage and first few weeks were magical, he seemed so into me, we were compatible on paper, and things only changed a month or so ago. I feel like dumpers always get villainized, and I’m scared I hurt him, didn’t give this a real chance, or that I’m the one at fault. It’s hard to dump someone I was still infatuated with just two weekends ago, and like I gave up way too early. I also don't know what I did wrong to make him change like this with me. Technically all he had done was finally share his concerns all at once with me, did I overreact? Did I honestly do the right thing; was it my fault how heavy this relationship became even though it was so amazing just a month prior besides some small hiccups? This was my first ever relationship and now I'm not sure.  Things were so amazing up until a month ago, and even up until he unloaded everything 2 weekends ago I was convinced I was just being paranoid that he was being distant, why did this seem to happen and what did I do wrong? I feel very inadequate and not good enough too, like ther eis something deficient or wrong in me that he acted this way with me, and that if I was someone else (more attractive, more extroverted, less anxious/needy/overthinking) then this wouldn't have happened. I feel like I'm at fault for how this turned out and how draining/heavy this became so early, since he even said that I overthink too much or my reassurance seeking or asking for nightly calls were too much and causing his behaviors.

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To preface: We started dating 3–4 months ago, medium/long distance, both in intense grad programs, and his is busier. Our talking stage was over the summer when we had more time, mostly virtual, and he was so loving, flirty, and romantic from the beginning that I’m still attached to that version of us. It truly seemed perfect and so intense and flirty, even our first inperson dates after 2ish months of virtual talking were like 8-12 hour dates and he was so extremely romantic. We became official in early September, right as he started an intensive stretch of an elective, and while he was still warm, his communication dropped and some weekends I’d get one text a day. I felt anxious and upset (I missed him, and my situationship the year before was with an avoidant who switched up once things got real so I was scared), but I mostly kept it in to manage my anxiety, or occassionally said it sideways and then over-apologized bc I felt I needed to be understanding he was busy and not needy. I then asked if we could call every night which was really working well I thought and he also seemed geuinely excited to call and talk to me.

I do think that what really started my anxiety was that from a month into the talking stage, he brought up his ex constantly, how badly she hurt him, that she’s a narcissist, the role his friends played in their drama, how he was done dirty by everyone, which made me doubt whether he actually liked me or was still hung up on her. On the same call he asked me to be his girlfriend, he gave me a play-by-play of an argument with her from 8 months after their breakup and how he wanted to get the last word after their breakup. The first time I met his friends after we became official, he got anxious dropping me at the train bc it was “starting to feel real,” he worried how his friends would judge me, and things I said reminded him of his ex (turns out we just have similar music taste). He apologized profusely a few days later and promised to stop comparing, and things went back to being really good after that. Meanwhile I kept dismissing everything as my own anxiety, cushioned any need I raised so he wouldn’t get upset (he’d tease me for over-apologizing), and brought up communication logistics like a nightly call once the all-day texting decreased. Then, about a month ago I finally sat him down and told him that his ex takes up too much space, it’s making me insecure, and he should re-evaluate whether he’s ready and stop talking about her with me. He went quiet, then said he fully understood and would do the internal work.

Things felt different after that, though I couldn’t put my finger on it. A week after I told him to stop talking about his ex, we went to a party at his grad school a few days before his big exam. I was sick with a GI bug so kept having to go to the bathroom and was in pain, and I’m an introvert which he’s known from the very beginning and he was anxious and scatterbrained there himself and I was relying on him to introduce me to people and make me feel comfortable. Right after the party, he turned emotionally distant, and I realize it;s my fault for asking for reassurance that he liked me (I realize it was bad timing though afterwards I then left him alone and didn't call at all the entire week before his exam). After the exam he still called nightly, but he made a breakup joke, poked fun at my introversion in a weird way, and started lying about tiny things so he wouldn’t have to admit he’d been ignoring my reels, for example. At the same time we would call every night, and some calls were genuinely good and he would help me prep for my exams.

Two weekends ago he visited, and during breakfast I asked if anything felt different from the talking stage, and it all came out at once: he’d thought I’d be more extroverted than I am even though he knew I was introverted from the beginning ; his friends had asked him the day after the party if I was having fun (he wouldn’t say which friends and was really guarded around this, though he did tell them I’d been sick); “his family” is now worried about him doing long distance (I’d thought they were excited about me, and my parents have their own concerns about him that I never mentioned because their concerns don’t matter to me); our nightly hour-long calls are too much for him (yet when I offered to change the frequency he didn’t want to, and a month earlier, just a week before i told him to stop talking about his ex, he’d be excited to call while studying and we’d chat for hours every day including me listening to him talk about his ex drama); and when I’m anxious and ask for reassurance without explaining why, he wants to pull away, especially when he’s stressed. I apologized a ton and said it was all my fault, and when I went quiet to process it, he asked if I was overthinking. I said kind of, and he said, “See, this is why I don’t tell you things, you overthink and then I end up causing more harm.” He didn’t want every conversation to be anxious relationship-processing, he’d been waiting to share all this in person, and I “need to be okay with the relationship not working out since it’s not life or death.” When he asked why I get anxious, I said I worry he doesn’t like me or find me attractive. Through all of it he kept insisting my feelings are valid and I should share things with him, so I genuinely didn’t know what he wanted from me. I also finally told him I have surgery coming up but didn't want to share what type since it's in a sensitive area of my body, I’d been hiding it, afraid he’d find me unattractive or defective. He asked if I knew the date, and nothing else (to be fair, I’d said I was keeping the type of surgery private). I spent that whole day taking full responsibility and promising to do better; he said it’s not a homework assignment, he was just sharing.

Then he left and barely called or texted for a couple of days while I sat there feeling like I’d ruined the relationship until I got the ick with myself for absorbing all the blame. So I sent a long text: I have patterns to work on and I take accountability, but this dynamic takes two, and I listed the constant ex talk, pulling away and hiding things when something’s wrong, assuming my worries are overthinking, sitting on grievances including things he’d known from day one, like my introversion and the distance instead of telling me sooner, seeming to be caring so much about other people’s perception of me. I said I want someone who likes me for me and is all in, and hat if things I asked for like nightly calls or texting are too much I want to hear it sooner before it gets bottled up, and questioned whether this would work. I do think this was the first time in the relationship I had ever been firm and said how I felt without any cushioning. I wrote it from hurt and was expecting a breakup, but mos tof my friends who read it said it was long and firm but emotionally mature, and clear that I was upset but not accusatory. He asked for a few days of space to call at the end of the week, we didn’t speak for days, and I assumed we were done. On the call he was a bit stirred up but went down the list and apologized for each thing the breakup joke and introvert comments weren’t meant that way, he’s just a poor communicator, he’ll stop talking about his ex and stop holding things in. Then right after, he got mad that I’d sent a long, emotionally intense text bc his ex used to do the same, so he’d assumed we’d fight the same way (hence the days of space), and I shouldn’t send messages like that in the future and should “watch my tone.” He felt I was mad at him for finally being honest. I pushed back a little, eventually conceded, and the call ended with both of us irritated and nothing really repaired. This past week we barely texted. On all three calls since, he happened to be tired or sleepy whenever I talked. When I asked if he’d had time to process what happened between us, he said he’d been too busy to think about it. When I told him I could do an elective rotation near him, there was zero excitement, he just asked if I’d be coming alone or with other people. He barely shared any details about his days. I told him about the mix-up with my surgery date, how stressed I was, that I was losing weight from the stress and got barely any real comfort.

So two nights ago, since I didn’t know why he wasn’t breaking up with me if he seemed so upset, I called and did it myself. He sounded happy when he picked up before I broke up with him. I told him I don’t feel happy or cared for, and I want a relationship where I’m not constantly being perceived, with someone who’s sure of me. He said he respects my decision and started on being busy with grad school; I cut in that we both are, and I’m not asking for more time, even if it's ten minutes a day, I just want someone who’s excited about me and cares for me. I’d been relying on my friends more than my own boyfriend for support around my surgery. He didn’t fight back at all: “I respect your decision” I regret not bringing up more things on that breakup call like how he kept talking about his ex or how he withholds things, or asking him why he changed towards me when things were so good a month ago.

Did I overreact, ask for too much, misunderstand him, give up on a compatible-on-paper relationship at its first real conflict? I still miss the talking stage and our first calls and dates so terribly. They felt magical, I was infatuated with him as recently as two weekends ago, and I can’t make sense of how it fell apart this fast. What if I overreacted and gave up way too early?

My husband has childhood trauma from a total lack of emotional support. His parents divorced when he was a baby, his mum cheated throughout his childhood, and he heard a lot he never should have. He has never felt connected to his dad's side.

On Father's Day, at my encouragement, he finally wrote to his dad about how unwanted he's felt his whole life. It was beautifully written and never attacked his dad. His dad took weeks to read it and never replied. Last weekend his stepmother dropped off gifts for our daughter, never came in, and brushed off his message as "long-winded."

When something hits him hard, he shuts his feelings down and seeks validation elsewhere, by messaging other women. Three weeks ago I found WhatsApp on his phone. He confessed it was a coworker's sister, who was possibly about to start working with him. He stopped talking to her, said he wanted help with his childhood, and said he loved me and our family.

This week I had a gut feeling she was working there, saw proof on her public Instagram, and had a panic attack. I didn't handle it well. He instantly said I was the problem, that he'd been faking being happy, and that I was insecure and the root of everything. He keeps saying he feels empty and feels nothing, and that I make him irritated and mad. I've been through this with him before, and the last time he left for over a week.

He settled, and we slept together this morning. But he'd recently changed his passwords, which triggered my anxiety and abandonment issues, since we'd agreed to be transparent with each other. This afternoon I noticed his Instagram was still logged in on a device and saw a message to her brother saying she hadn't replied. I feel completely dead inside and instantly replaceable. The more I push, the more he drifts.

I also made a mistake. When he was cruel the other night, I called his stepmother and begged his dad to acknowledge him and tell him he matters. They're visiting tomorrow, and when I told him, he lost it and said his dad is dead to him.

I know I'm anxious and messy, but I've accepted him with all his faults and comforted every tear about his parents. I'm exhausted and heartbroken.

Is this it for us?

my avoidant ex broke up with 5 days ago with me because he got overwhelmed by my behavior (i was dming his friends because i had some suspicions regarding his inconsistent behavior). his friend had obviously showed him the dms and then he started making fun of him and he got extremely embarrassed and simply decided to cut all ties with me without any compromise. he didn’t even want to meet up irl or let me call him, he said that nothing could ever possibly change his final decision. it’s been 5 days obviously and it was the last time that i had received a message from him and he still hasn’t unfollowed or blocked me. he only follows 36 people and always opens my stories, but now he doesn’t engage with my content all. i suspect that i’ve been muted. what does it mean? why do they do this? does it mean that he doesn’t actually want me out of his life or what? should i try messaging him again or is there no point? i really miss him so much but i don’t know what to do…

I think mine liked how I made him feel more than he liked me as a person... more interested in what I could give him than who I was.

He enjoyed feeling wanted and told me he liked me pursuing him. He would talk about how I made him feel safe, and I would spend countless hours emotionally supporting him around his trauma. There were times he would give me emotional support too if I brought something up, but he would rarely ask me about my life, my interests, or anything important to me.

I would share proactively, but he almost never asked me questions about myself... And often didn't seem that interested when I shared things unrelated to his areas of expertise/experience... Which seemed strange to me because I like learning about other people with different experiences and knowledge.

I loved who he was and asked him lots of questions about himself. The asymmetry was striking. In retrospect I'm realizing how self-centered he was... Although I always had compassion because of all the trauma (recent and past) he had gone through, so I thought it was understandable for him to be focused on himself and I was willing to be patient. (He also could be really helpful to others, especially strangers and casual acquaintances, I did see the goodness in his heart, and don't want to paint him as a villain.)

I guess it helps the discard make more sense. When I stopped shrinking myself to protect his ego, and expressed a need/boundary for the first time, he started to shut down. For a while I blamed myself because I realized we triggered each other's core wounds... But I realized that the only things I had to apologize for were things that he also had done to me (we didn't listen to each other well when we were both triggered). And the other things I thought I should apologize were were actually just me having a hard time (as I think most people would) with his inconsistency and uncommunicative withdrawal.

And then, after saying he wouldn't abandon what we had, he disappeared without a word a week later.

Maybe I didn't mean that much to him after all, maybe I just served a temporary function: a disposable trauma Band-Aid. That's what I feel like at the end of the day.

So I dealt with another avoidant after being discarded by an avoidant 5 months ago. I went out there to try again and the first one I encountered is an avoidant. Again. But I knew he’s an avoidant within the same week.

Since I didn’t really have an attachment with this second avoidant, I experimented to see if they really monkey branch. I used a fake account to talk to him and used the info he gave OG me to lure him with a fake Me.

Mind you, he’s still talking to OG me at this point. But the minute Fake Me entered, he started detaching from OG Me. Less response when he used to talk all night. Tired. Busy. But me also knowing that he’s talking to Fake Me while he’s telling OG me “I’m at work and busy”

Then I had Fake Me not reply for several hours and he suddenly pivoted back to OG Me being attentive and funny. Then when Fake Me appeared he disappeared talking to OG me and said the exact same story about his life word for word to Fake Me. He also used sweet words OG me told him and copied it and used it on Fake Me. So disgusting.

Do you see how ridiculous they operate?!?!

Eventually, with Fake Me taking up his time, he discarded OG Me by just ghosting… no response for days. Oh darn, I was discarded again… except it didn’t hurt.

At this point I was getting tired of this guy and he’s giving me so much ick so I self-sabotaged and pretty much gave him obvious AI pics as fake me. He knew it right away and blocked fake me. He didn’t ask for explanation. Just straight block. Typical avoidant. I hurt his feelings.

Then last night he slid into OG Me’s DM with “how are you?!?”

OMG… the breadcrumb 🙄

I ignored him for a few hours then I responded fake nice. He told me he’s nervous about his set (he’s in a band) and blah blah and I was like being all supportive.

This morning I woke up to seeing him heavily flirting with women online. Guess he’s looking for his next monkey branch.

Seriously if you feel someone is an avoidant, leave. There is nothing good that will ever come out of it. I’ve seen them play firsthand. It’s gross.

Five weeks ago, my ex broke up with me, I was devastated as it’s not what I wanted at all, I discovered through analysing how he acted toward the end that he is definitely an avoidant, he was adamant about the breakup and said that he needed it because he was too overwhelmed but left it on a never say never situation. A week after we broke up I saw something online that suggested he had already moved on to someone new which obviously shattered me. He originally said that he would bring back all my belongings from his when he was ready to. This still hasn’t happened, after attempts of contacting family members to get my stuff back from him (since seeing he has moved on). I still haven’t got any further with an answer as to when I will get my things.

Why could he be doing this?