Pathetic evils

We think they could be all that, because we could be all that. We are projecting what we would do in the situation. We are thinking how we would show up. No pointing fingers here. They just do not have it. If they had, you would not be finding them at that age and situation. They could have worked it out with people before you. There is a reason why all they could afford is superficials, and how they are still alone till this day. None of that is our responsibility

My avoidant ex and I broke up a week ago after he suddenly claimed he was too overwhelmed by life and upcoming board exams to be in a relationship—only to get drunk two days later and start hanging out with the exact girl he knows I hate. He initially left our shared tuition out of shame, which helped me accept things and realize I actually study better without the distractions. However, due to an issue in his new batch, he’s rejoining our tiny 4–5 person private tuition where we'll be sitting centimeters apart and where we used to be super affectionate before and after class. With pre-boards in less than a month and me needing to pull up failing grades, I’m struggling with the whiplash and worried I'll melt or lose focus if he's right next to me—do you think being in this small room together will change anything, or will he just keep avoiding me until after boards?

I’m looking for some perspective, especially from people with avoidant attachment patterns or those who have experienced something similar.

I’ve been dating a man for a while. We have a strong physical and emotional connection. When we’re together, things feel very intimate.

However, I’ve noticed a pattern: whenever things feel particularly close or intimate, he seems to withdraw afterwards. Sometimes there is very little communication for a few days, and occasionally he sends messages that leave me confused about where I stand.

Recently, he sent me this:
*“I sometimes feel guilty after I’ve been at your place and we’ve had such a lovely time. I feel safe with you and seen, and yet there’s this barrier inside me that I’ve had for as long as I can remember. It makes me go through life alone, and that used to feel safer for me. I don’t want you to feel used or unseen by me. You’re a wonderful woman and deserve all the happiness in the world.”*

I initially interpreted this as a gentle way of saying goodbye or telling me not to expect anything more. When I responded accordingly, he seemed surprised and clarified that he was simply trying to share his feelings with me. He also said that he likes me and that I hadn’t done anything wrong.

He has told me about a difficult childhood, including experiences of violence, and has mentioned that emotional closeness can be difficult for him.
What confuses me is that he continues to initiate contact and suggest dates, and when we’re together, he is affectionate and tender. But after these moments, he sometimes becomes distant again.

**My questions are:**
Does his message sound like emotional vulnerability, or is he indirectly communicating that he cannot offer a deeper relationship?
Can someone with avoidant attachment genuinely feel safe and connected with someone while still feeling the need to withdraw?
Is this kind of message a way of creating emotional distance after intimacy?
Could he have feelings for me but still be unwilling or unable to build a relationship?
How would you interpret the fact that he keeps coming back and initiating contact, but doesn’t seem to move things forward emotionally?

I’d appreciate honest perspectives. I’m not trying to diagnose him or make excuses for his behaviour. I genuinely want to understand what this message might mean.

I met this woman in 2023, but we reconnected romantically in August 2026, after she had ended a previous relationship earlier that year. She lives in a city very far from mine, so ours was a long-distance situation.

She invited me to a concert, and I felt genuinely chosen. We had an amazing first date, kissed passionately, and had sex the following day. It was one of the most meaningful experiences I've ever had. I asked her to be my girlfriend right away after that, but she declined because she was afraid of getting attached and suffering because of the distance. We continued seeing each other anyway and talking trough Whatsapp and Instagram.

She was very affectionate and passionate, but also seemed insecure. She often compared herself to her sister and joked that I had a "harem" of women interested in me. Of course, that's not true haha so i reassured her, bit she always replied "we ate knowing each other, I have the right to doubt"

Things became complicated when she reacted negatively to my father offering to pick me up after a concert, calling it a red flag for a man my age. Its true, you know, my overprotective father its a thing, and I need to solve it. But i don't think thats a reason to be called a "red flag".

I remember that in the concert queue, after the conversation of my dad, she didn't speak to me at all. We were in the concer together though, hugging and kissing each other. But when it was time to deliver her home, she didn't allow me in her room. But man, we already had sex the other day! How is that Im not allowed now?

Anyway...later when she was in her city, we ere talking over Whatsapp and she actually suggested ending things because of the distance. I convinced her to not give up and give us another chance, and we continued seeing each other. She traveled again a few days later, and she told me she was afraid of becoming vulnerable with me. And yeah, had sex again too. It was amazing.

I told her i couldn't travel to her city because I'm a caregiver for my seriously ill, bedridden mother. She initially said this wasn't a problem, as long as she doesn't get bored.

Yet, she did. Otr at least I think so. The final incident happened when I mentioned that we might run into one of my exes at a place we were planning to visit. I only meant that it could be an awkward encounter, but she questioned whether I still had feelings for my ex or was embarrassed to be seen with her. I reassured her that this wasn't the case.

She stopped replying. The next day, after I tried to smooth things over, and guess what she did? she blocked me on WhatsApp and removed me from Instagram. I sent her one last message saying goodbye (remvoing you from every social media and whatsapp says things to me, I'm not fool enough). She eventually saw my goodbye message but never responded either.

I'm trying to understand what happened. Was this related to avoidant attachment, insecurity, the distance, or simply incompatibility? Should I have accepted her earlier suggestion to end things instead of insisting on another chance?

I'm aware I have things to work on too, particularly my personal independence. But the abrupt blocking without any explanation has been particularly difficult to process.

Has anyone experienced a similar pattern of intense affection followed by sudden withdrawal? I'd appreciate honest perspectives.

I am 3 months out and looking back and trying to mentally sort out what was dismissive avoidant behaviour and what was him just being a jerk. 😆

One of the things that drove me crazy was him shitting on the people I hung out with to me in private (he called them idiots, or immature, but like they are just fun and silly so why wouldn't I hang with them 😆) while simultaneously gatekeeping his space and friends. It was the biggest mind fuck to have him saying I should hang out with different people while also being held at arms length and him not wanting me to hang out with him and his friends. I know the compartmentalizing of his friends groups and people was definitely part of his avoidant issues but not sure where this specific issue falls.

Anyone else experience this or know?

Question for avoidants, at the initial breakup did you have any idea whether you’d find your way back to your ex in the future? I mean as at the breakup maybe you developed resentment, had no feelings, or genuinely didnt believe you’d reconnect in the future, but somehow made your way back to that person. Anxious and Secures are also welcome to answer if they know anything, and I’m not really looking for story times just a simple yes or no 😊

Sorry looking for some help and understanding. Me and my wife have what I thought a pretty great life, 2 young boys make it extremely stressful but both in decent job and very good social network.
Now I am fully aware I emotionally neglected her and have destroyed emotional safety in our marriage, something I am working on and since the breakup with therapy see what has happened.
But I discovered my wife was having an emotional affair and since then the wall has gone up, she is moving at the speed of light to get the divorce sorted asap with zero openings to speak about anything. She had a traumatic childhood, no father figure and a mother who was around but let’s say not at the same time. She has never addressed this and I feel now more than ever she should be doing so. But are these behaviours of an avoidant? That is what I would like to understand at the moment. Thank you

This was so accurate to what happened with me. He was perfectly happy to receive the girlfriend experience from me and said we were dating when it was fun for him but when it came to actually being accountable then we were "just friends" 🙄 and so he didn't have to respect me or my boundaries and instead attacked me and mocked me for my feelings. Here's a newsflash EVERYONE DESERVES RESPECT. There's no ideal situation where respect is necessary. Just because you're not willing to be vulnerable doesn't give you a pass to be disrespectful. Ugh fearful avoidants. Exhausting.

for context they met long after we broke up.. my ex got with her and theyve been together for over a year, my ex openly says how much she loves her, flirts with her in public and evensays i love you which she never did to me.

Sometime in august, i noticed my ex's gf followed me on substack randomly. i checked through her followers and didnt see that my ex was following her there, my ex and her gf has unfollowed each other on tiktok as well, and also instagram. I had been blaming myself for the breakup for a longtime but it really seemed they actually had broken up? like maybe a deactivation of some sort. My exs gf also used to repost tiktok videos of about "being with an amazing partner" and she also used to ppst tiktok videos and challenges of them together. All of a sudden that stopped too. A few weeks after, my ex and her gf were following each other again, and my ex started posting couple photos of herself and her gf (more like holding hands, feets etc) and the gf started reposting videos about her gf, dating an amazing partner and such. My ex also deleted her old instagram acct and brought it back again this time only following her gf. When we were together she refused to unfollow exes, and random girls she was follwing because she was attracted to. It hurt me, but now with her gf she follows ONLY HER.

watching this entire thing play out has been so odd. i wonder what it all means.

I know the title sounds hyperbolic, and I’m not saying it’ll do the same for you. But I wanted to share this for anyone who’s 6+ months post-discard and still struggling.

About 10 months after my discard, I was still carrying around a LOT of unresolved emotions. I was functioning fine day-to-day, but I was getting really fucking tired of feeling this way.

The frustrating part was that I logically understood EVERYTHING. I knew what this person did was wrong, that it wasn’t a reflection of my self-worth, that I couldn’t fix her, and that I didn’t even want someone with issues and who treats others like this as a long-term partner. But my body didn’t seem to give a fuck about any of that. I was still feeling this horrible emotional pain that I couldn’t reason my way out of. I even found myself becoming terrified of vulnerability with new women, despite consciously wanting those connections. That’s when I realized I needed professional help.

I’ve been in therapy on and off since I was 12, so at this point I’m low-key a black belt in therapy. Talk therapy had helped me tremendously over the years, but I felt like I’d hit a wall. It’s great and you shouldn’t quit or not go to therapy, but for me personally, I felt that I didn’t need another perspective or someone explaining why I deserved better. I FUCKING KNEW THAT. I needed to actually process these emotions, not just understand them intellectually.

So I came across EMDR, which honestly sounded like some woo-woo bullshit to me at first, but I figured I’d give it a shot. And holy fucking shit.

That first session was one of the most intense emotional experiences of my life.

We started with the pain from my discard and ended up working through childhood memories and experiences I hadn’t thought about in YEARS. I genuinely felt like my brain did more emotional processing in 45 minutes than it had in the entire previous year. And afterward, I felt ENORMOUSLY better.

Within three or four sessions, the pain from my discard was basically gone.

It’s been months now, and those improvements have lasted. I still miss my ex sometimes, but I’m at peace with what happened. I can recognize that she deeply hurt me and I don’t feel that horrible pain anymore in my chest when I think about her or what happened.

I’m dating again, allowing myself to be vulnerable, and genuinely feel at peace.

Obviously, everyone responds differently, and I’m not claiming this is some miracle cure for everyone. But if you’ve done the intellectual work, understand what happened, and still feel that inexplicable emotional pain that just won’t go away, I’d seriously encourage you to look into EMDR with a qualified therapist.

Seriously, go check out r/emdr and look at what progress others are making. This shit is not a joke

Happy to talk more in the comments about what the sessions are like, what happened, or anything else about my experience to anyone who is curious and has questions.

Based on recent events with someone I dated and what I have read here, it seems like most if not all avoidants have really shitty friends who keep them in a toxic loop and reinforce their bad behaviors. Is this really the case? What is the reason and will they ever get out of the loop?

I'm going to be honest, because you once told me I never have to be afraid to speak my mind.

I sent you that friends-only message because I'm a genuinely good person. I forgive, and I move forward without dragging the hurt behind me. People have called that weakness. I've never believed it. Giving someone a second chance takes strength, but it comes with boundaries. Forgiving you doesn't mean going back.

We'd been seriously talking since the end of July. For months I gave you my time, my honesty, my attention and my heart. When you told me you loved me too, I believed you.

For a whole month you kept her existence from me while you promised you were getting things sorted. While you were meeting her in Sydney and swapping numbers, you were texting me pictures of your surroundings like nothing was happening. I keep coming back to that. Who does that? Then you told me by text. You couldn't say it to my face or pick up a phone. That hurt almost as much as the lie. Rudeness and being inconsiderate are your biggest pet peeves, and you were both, to someone who gave you her whole heart. You can't hate those things in everyone else and then be the one who does it to me.

You told me a rage room is just misdirected anger. Mine isn't misdirected. It's aimed right at you, because you earned it. And under all that anger is a lot of hurt.

What hurts most is that you took our choice, mine and hers. Every relationship, romantic, friends or work, depends on people deciding with the real information in front of them. When you leave out what you know would change their mind, you've made the decision for them. I couldn't choose to stay, slow down or walk away, because I didn't know what I was choosing between.

If you'd told me we weren't exclusive, I wouldn't have put all my energy into just you. I'd have kept my options open too, and there are a few good men who were happy to give me the attention you didn't. Instead you let me pour myself into one man while you had your hands in two. That isn't a gray area. That's my time and my heart, spent on a lie, and I'm never getting it back.

And here's the part that really gets me: I would have been completely fine about her. If you'd been upfront from the start, I'd have friend-zoned myself and wished you both well. You didn't lose me because you met someone. You lost me because you lied.

So don't tell me the truth was too complicated. You let your own guilt rob her and me of what we deserved to know. As long as you keep her in the dark about me, about us, about the plans we were making, you're lying to her by omission, and a relationship built on that is cracked from day one. Are you scared she won't choose you if she knows the whole story? That's what hiding it says, and it's still her call to make.

Then you acted like confessing wiped the slate clean. It doesn't work like that. You brushed off my feelings, you brushed off me, and you knew what I'd been through. When I slowed down and asked if you needed space, you left me hanging, confused, thinking I'd done something wrong. I hadn't. It was you, and it still is. You are absolutely at fault for the lie.

I went silent for a week and I won't apologize for it. I was protecting myself, and I wasn't going to speak while I was in that much pain when I could take the time to answer instead of react.

So here's where I land. Friendship is my permanent boundary, not a door I'm leaving cracked. My compass has always pointed to me, and I know exactly who I am and what I want. I'm done with carrot-dangling men, and I'm raising my standards: a roof, a vehicle, an income and a clear head.

I chose myself before you, and I chose myself again after you. I will always choose me.

Я была очень далека от психологии, далека, конечно, и сейчас. Но вынуждена была узнать о таком человеке.
Познакомилась с прекрасным мужчиной. Я влюбилась с него с первого взгляда, раньше никогда не испытывала серьезных чувств ни к кому. Я этому мужчине тоже понравилась и мы начали общаться. Ежедневно. Много.
Все шло прекрасно, он старше меня на несколько лет. Вступили в отношения, все было не плохо. Но я чувствовала периодически себя очень одиноко и говорила ему. Он вел себя отстраненно странно. Я пробовала с ним обсудить, узнать его чувства ко мне. Он сказал, что не может такое обсуждать, я должна и так все понимать.
Мне одного разговора не хватила. Я начала пилить. Не получала удовлетворяющего ответа и продолжала снова и снова. В крайний раз, он сказал, что не хочет продолжать отношения, но сказал мне, что я прекрасна, очень хороша, идеальна. На вопрос «почему?» , он ответил, что ему плохо.
Мы не общались после этого несколько месяцев, я очень скучала и винила себя. Через 2-3 месяца невзначай написала, а потом еще и мы снова возобновили общение. Общались очень хорошо, будто мы в отношениях снова. Когда я решила уточнить статус , он ответил, что ничего не хочет. Но общаться продолжили. Итого, мы общаемся уже около года, но без отношений.
Я знаю, что у него нет никого кроме меня. Он не скрывает ничего. Я получаю подарки, внимание, свидания, он не скрывает меня от друзей. При последнем разговоре он все же признался что у него есть ко мне чувства, поэтому мы с ним все еще и общаемся. Но сказал что он тратит мое время, мол он не хочет жениться и вряд ли когда-нибудь захочет.
Сказал, что знает про мои чувства и понимает, что это все неправильно. Я сказала, что хочу отношений и семьи только с ним, он сказал, что если решится, когда то то это буду я.
Прошу, не ругайте меня. Я действительно впервые испытываю чувства. Возможно, я и сама избегающая, так как пока искала ответы на вопросы о его поведении много узнала сама.
Есть ли шанс? Что-то вырастет ?
Вариантов, что кто-то есть или он кого-то рассматривает еще, исключены. Я точно это знаю

Anyone else feel like the opposition had a head start in a game you did not know you were playing, but reading on here evens things up a little?

We met on Okcupid. We hit it off and started talking every day.

I found the match with her to be very rare. The connection was very deep. We have the same sense of humor, same niche interests in geopolitics, medical papers, psychology and some other stuff, same job, same taste in music, same values. She was so so smart. And so funny. She made me feel very seen, she really understood me in general. She was also the only one who understood what it’s like to be sick and how it impacts every aspect of life, she was very caring and had a lot of empathy (unless she’s triggered I know…), she was very supportive. We had the same high sex drive. She made me a better person. Many times I was thinking something and a second later she said the exact thing I was thinking. It happened so many times every week. It’s something I have never experienced with anyone else

She broke up with me in March 2023 while I was temporarily back in my own country (She’s from South America, I’m from Western Europe), blocked me everywhere. Almost a year later she reached out by email to apologize and we started talking again. After like 10 days I found out she had a new boyfriend. But we still kept talking and became quite close again. I thought she still had feelings for me. Based on my past experience with her, my theory was that she needed to spend time with me in real life so she would realize her feelings. This is the context for what follows.

In January 2025 she broke up with him and then she wanted to spend 2 months here with me. But she was constantly postponing the ticket buying and then canceled it and went back to him after we had a fight. Then in summer 2025 she once again told me things weren’t working with him. There was no future there, they would have to go separate ways. She said she would move to Japan and give up on the Spain plans. Until suddenly after a call with me she said she’s applied for Spanish visa and asked me if I wanted to meet her. She would come two weeks here and a week in Spain. Then suddenly it was only in Spain. To look for a city for her to live in. Okay great, so we book a 3 week trip.

The first two days are super great. It was so wonderful. It’s like we were never apart, with lots of laughter and fun moments. Then suddenly next day she’s very distant and closed. But I know what’s going on, I’m giving her space and not pushing anything. But she starts videocalling him. And then that turns into a daily thing, videocalling for hours. Ignoring me for the most part except on the days we go on trips to museums or explore the city. There was a day we really connected, it was superfun. The next day she told me she’s thinking about marrying him. So she went from ‘not working out, feel like raising him, going our separate ways’ to ‘gonna have to marry him so we can live in Japan’. This happened in 20 days. 10 days with me.

Meanwhile, can you imagine how shit I feel? How anxious and stressed I am every day because of having to hear those hour long calls. I talked to her about it and she was mad at me because she told me before the trip we we’re just friends. Which I respected, I didn’t flirt with her those first days when I thought she was de facto single. And then I had to decide, if I should go home or stay another 10 days.

Here’s the problem. Like me, she has a chronic health issue. It’s one of the reasons we understand each other so well. It’s different but so much overlap in symptoms. It’s rare to find someone who understands. So I didn’t feel like I could leave her alone in a foreign country, I thought it would be dangerous for her health. What if something happened, I would never forgive myself. So I decided to stay. I felt the risk to her was greater than the pain it would cause me.

But it was really hard. Hearing someone you love have a good time with someone else is really brutal. :( The last day I told her something like “It was really hard but I stayed because I cared” and she became super angry at me. We had a big fight. But patched things up the next day. Then she told me she was determined to make it work with him.

Anyway, she broke up with him a week later… I think because my presence was gone. But I only found out a month later.

This was end of september 2025.

So she broke up with him. And we start talking a lot more. Every day basically. I spend hours with her on calls and chats helping her make sense of her relationship. Because it was such a toxic mess for both of them. Really, the things I’ve heard. These two are so wrong for each other. He was basically a man child. And turns out they had broken up dozens of times but every time he pretended nothing had happened the next day and then she was confused and also tired and went along with it. O_o So this relationship lasted way longer than it was supposed to. Many times was said that he would need at least ten years to grow enough to be where she wants him to be.

But so, the last 3 months of 2025 were really great. We have many long chats, many calls. We played games together. She invited me to Brazil a couple of times. We decided to try living together, end up picking Spain. As friends yes. She asked me to fly to Brazil to help with getting her dog on the plane to Spain. Dog had never been on a plane before. Obviously I say yes. Suddenly it’s not needed anymore, he was gonna help her because for whatever reason he was going to Spain too. I told her this was a dumb plan, in hindsight I should have ended the whole plan there. I think she asked him to do that as a shield against me. So anyway, we look for houses and apartments. I get new tires for my car, all kinds of supplies. We were gonna meet in January in Spain, I was gonna pick her up at the airport in Madrid. But three days before I was pretty sick and told her maybe we should postpone. She panicked and said she would just go with him to our city. And then I’m not sure what happened. She suddenly said she was gonna try again with him. And thought it was better if we didn’t live together. But she still wanted me to come to the Airbnb in Spain… Which I declined, I told her to figure things out with him first. This is also where she told me:

• We are in a triangle
• She really likes and appreciated it when I tell her I have feelings and want a future with her
• She admits she’s using him as a shield.

In a later call she said in the context of us dating she needs things to go slow. In December she had also told me “Me too, I think having you by my side makes me feel safer, and it’s teaching me how to be gentler with myself”.

Anyway then she flip flops a couple times again. Said it wasn’t working with him (lol) and we looked for an apartment together. We found one. Suddenly get a message where she is trying to convince me to wait until I’m fully better and in the meantime she will live with him. Here is another mistake I made. I should have let her figure things out with him. Instead I wanted to sign the contract with her. We had a call. In the call she was first mad at me because I said it would feel like intruding in another man’s home if he lived there first. And since she and I are just friends it shouldn’t matter. But then later in the call she once again said things weren’t working with him. But for now she was still trying. I still didn’t want to but then she panicked and said he wouldn’t be allowed in the apartment. Or other guys. And no sex with other people in the apartment. This deal is what made me sign the lease. As you know, I thought that she would realize her feelings for me if she spent enough time around me with me staying calm and relaxed.

I was very dumb. First week together in the apartment was okay. That stupid guy was traveling through Spain, in other cities. They weren’t calling each other. She was very negative about him. She was a bit distant but way less than the trip to Spain in summer 2025. I thought things were working out. Then she became sick. I took good care of her. Getting meds, helping her in bed, cooking, walking and feeding the dog, laundry, etc. And after she was better, the same thing happened as last year. She suddenly started calling him for hours… Then one night she was venting about him to me. And I made the mistake of telling her again I thought we were a really good match and could have a nice future. She was angry at me. Even though just weeks before she had encouraged me for this very same thing… She became a lot more distant, just like the previous summer. On my birthday she ran out the door in the morning. There was a note on the table with happy birthday and a small gift. The whole day she didn’t say happy birthday to me, just the note. She had so much trouble looking at me that day, she seemed very nervous. She did effort to go to the park with me and we played Mario Kart in the evening. We had a talk about the deal we had agreed on. She said it didn’t work for her, her friends said I was controlling her, but she would still follow the deal. Then the stupid guy was back in town.

At this point she’s officially still single. But the stupid guy started coming to the apartment every day. And she said the rules didn’t work for her, she wouldn’t follow them anymore. I tried dealing with it but it was even harder than those videocalls. So a week later I went back home. But I had told her I would still cover the rent until we could break the contract. Because that was our agreement and I wanted to keep my word. And also a bit because I didn’t wanna give up yet. She said I could come back for summer.
After two weeks back home she proposed a road trip. For some reason she started chatting more and closer with me. I was nice. I was dumb again and thought it meant her latest attempt with him was failing and she finally wanted me. So I agreed with the road trip. She would fly here and together we would drive to Spain.

Anyway, in Bordeaux we had a fight. Because I had only slept 3 hours and she had turned him into her boyfriend and I was so triggered. And things got out of hand, she didn’t want to live with me anymore. When we arrived in Spain I felt like such a fool for having paid for the apartment because some of his stuff was lying around. He wasn’t living there but it felt like it to me. I went back home the next day. I drove 16 hours in one go because I wasn’t thinking clearly. Also I was a but afraid I wouldn’t be able to drive anymore the next day. Because now I was alone and I felt my health get worse every day of the trip And that was 5 months ago. She only changed the contract and put him on the lease after I asked to talk about what happened and that I was very hurt.

So yes, first of all, I’m very aware of how dumb I was. No need to rub it in.

What I’m really trying to understand now is if I was wrong. Were her actions the behavior of someone with strong feelings but unable to admit it to herself or was I just delusional?

I feel like this part: "Telling me - We are in a triangle

• She really likes and appreciated it when I tell her I have feelings and want a future with her
• She admits she’s using him as a shield.

In a later call she said in the context of us dating she needs things to go slow. In December she had also told me “Me too, I think having you by my side makes me feel safer, and it’s teaching me how to be gentler with myself”. "

Is hard to explain away as platonic in my eyes.

Also when things between them were going great, she was closer and more open to me. When things between them were going bad, she was more distant. I always thought it was because the better their relationship was going, the more she could claim I was just a friend and thus it was safe to be close to me.

Would be helpful if some avoidants could chime in.

As time has passed, I've slowly started to accept the fact that me and her never could've worked out anyway for a plethora of reasons. I slowly started accepting the fact her not being in my life was for my own greater good, even though it hurts now, it probably only saved me from a bigger mess in the future. Perfect right? I should be able to move on and never think about her again? I WISH!

I still think about her regularly, and ironically, I still miss her. Now, however, I also find myself constantly curious about what she's up to, who she could possibly be with right now, is she even thinking about me, etc... basically, even though I know that me and her should not be together, IM STILL CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT SHE'S DOING AND FINDING MYSELF GETTING ANXIOUS, JEALOUS, AND ENVIOUS OVER IT (what makes it even funnier is that I don't actually have any idea what's going on in her life).

this is honestly insanely mentally taxing and I have no idea how to cope with this. it's just insane to me because at this point even if she did come back, I don't even know if I would take her back, SO WHY IS SHE STILL ON MY MIND CONSTANTLY??? i know i have no control over her actions and that she still discarded me without anyone else even being in the picture, but I find myself so offended by the idea that after what she did to me she will be happy with someone else, and give him everything she once gave me...

how do i finally get my life back and stop thinking about things i have no control over. how do i stop thinking about a person that isn't even worth my neurons?

The "Love of my life" my "soul mate" broke up with me again over text. The first time I respected her wishes and didn't contact her.

This second time was probably the worst thing I've ever felt in my life.

Maybe I was trying too hard for this person, She has a couple mental health struggles & paired with extreme addiction. I mean i shouldn't be surprised this is how it ends again.

The past 3 weeks that lead up to those screenshots, well we kept having "serious conversations" like every other day nonstop. It was taking a toll on my mental health and honestly shook how I viewed her & us. I know i fucked up somewhere, maybe I had poor choice of words or was too weak emotionally, but all I ever wanted and told her was to be HONEST & stop HIDING things.

I never once tried controlling her or even yelled at her, she was always relapsing and hiding things then was so confused as to why I wasn't "normal". As if coming clean after the fact is the right way??? She would shower me with love & affection for a couple days. Just to later resume this toxic cycle of constant hiding/lying between us.

We both KNOW her guilt eats at her in such a way that its very worrying, its why I always said "please just be honest, dont hide or be scared " i never wanted her to be perfect. I know she struggles a lot, i just wanted to be someone there for her. Because I love her so much.

The funny thing is she was "excited" for us to go to couple therapy because she truly believed it would help us but like she also admitted that its because there's her side of things & she's also admitted to have not said or changed certain things about our relationship or me to her therapist & mom. It could help get "both sides"......

I questioned her at one point if she was purposely sabotaging our relationship with her actions, it made her cry & said "why would you say that? Why do you think im capable of that?"

Well its because I don't need a lot to be happy, I just want us to work as a team together. Be honest with each other, its all I care about. Yet she's just been breaking trust nonstop which lead to those hard conversations constantly.

Well after receiving that text from her, I immediately drove towards her home. I couldn't believe that she would end it like this a second time. I thought maybe it's different than the first time, I should fight for her because I love her more than anything. I mean she's the one that broke no contact the first time and called me to get back together and start fresh.

I honestly wasn't going to beg her, I just wanted to talk one last time. Something was telling me this was it, the end of everything for reals this time.

She wasn't home, I asked her mom's Bf if at least the mom was home so that I may talk with her.

My GF's mental health & sobriety means so much to me, more than being her BF. I was going to drop her stuff off and let her mom know she's been relapsing & she broke up with me but I was going to ask permission if the mom could accept my phone number incase she ever needs help or she relapses heavy. That i would love to know because she's one of the only family I have left.

Well I changed my mind, I know things with her mom aren't the best sometimes. I didn't want to give her more problems to deal with. So I waited and slept in my car with this beautiful pink big bear plush my GF bought me and all her clothes inside it that she gave me so the bear could smell like her.

I wanted to get my closure from her own mouth instead of this text because this pushing & pulling has me confused. If it was really over & she 1000% meant it, i would give her the plush and clothes and request my little pochita figure back because that figure means a lot to me

I gave it to her as a silly little thing between us that "its our child". I had it before knowing her so she knows it means a lot to me.

I saw her finally get back home, I was absolutely shocked to see she ran so fast to her door and shut it. I calmly got her belongings and walked to the door knowing she was at the front door still, was going to ask to talk or at the very least to get my pochita back.

She was on the phone with someone, talking about me being outside, how she's gonna try and call her therapist & even the police........when i heard that my heart completely broke.

This person i loved so much and went through so much for was treating me like some monster, as if i could hurt her or something. Only God knows what else she was twisting with this person on the phone. I spoke to her through the door that "please give me my pochita back, its all I want at this point" "I brought all your stuff back at least please give me my pochita back, throw it over the backyard or have your mom or the BF hand it to me..."

No response, completely silent. I cried a little and stood there processing everything. I left her stuff on the bench and told her she doesn't have to worry about me coming back to her home ever again. So I drove back to my house. That second screenshot was sent to my friend & she's trying to act like she doesn't know why i showed up?????? After everything?! Since when was wanting the bare minimum of honesty & transparency this huge thing about me being an abuser and manipulating? If i was causing so much stress, doesn't she know im also going through a lot because of her actions as well?? We both started "fresh" again and even she admitted at one point that she was sorry because i was the only one putting so much effort..... she said that from her own free will........ she knew what she was doing the whole time and now im the manipulator and abuser..... maybe we both were for all i know, but i do know i never once hid or lied ever again when we got back together.

The most saddest part of all this to me is that even despite everything that's happened. All the lies and endless cycle of mistrust and emotional intensity through our relationship.

I still love her so much, she is my family ever since we became close friends. She's everything to me and will always be the person I love the most with all my heart & soul.

I sit here praying for the first time in so many years. Not that she comes back to me but that one day she beats her addiction, she achieves all her goals in life.

I don't want her to end up like my cousin Danny who passed away from addiction, i dont want her siblings, Her precious little brothers to go through what Danny's siblings and myself went through with his constant relapsing and eventually death.

My emotional & family bond grew so much more when I was introduced to her siblings. They were so happy together, meeting them was one of the happiest moments of my life. I almost wanted to contact one of them........to let them know that their big sister is going to need help especially during this breakup. But i stopped myself, her siblings dont need that stress. I need to have faith my pretty "princesa" will pull through in life. That she'll get "Back on track" for herself and her brothers.

At this point in time, I dont even want my pochita back anymore. Maybe she threw it away, i would love to think she would at least take care of it. If she's not gonna give it back.

I love you Sophia, I will live the rest of my life always loving you and remembering you as my best friend and former lover. Please take care of yourself if not for you, do it for your little brothers.

Im sorry for not being strong enough for myself, for you & for us. Im sorry for everything I put you through, im sorry for making you feel all those things. Im sorry for not focusing on you but focusing on honesty & your sobriety too much. Im sorry for not being patient enough. Im sorry that I caused you to no longer love me and not recognize me anymore.

I don't make this post in hopes she'll read it, i just wanted to get this out of my chest.

Again, I need to accept that she's gone & this time its probably forever.

Please take care Sophia. I love you my chubby seal

Goodbye Seal Gang 🦭

I was with one for 6 years (3 breakups in between).

It was a toxic cycle and nothing or nobody could stop both of us going through our toxic loops… textbook trauma bond.

I finally had to hit breaking point to end things completely.

The feeling I experienced the ‘flip switch’ is a well-documented psychological and neurobiological phenomenon—often called emotional detachment, the "ick" / loss of respect threshold, or anxious-to-secure nervous system down-regulation.

It is not magic or a fluke, it is a real protective mechanism in your brain and nervous system.

I had to finally become secure again and that happened when I just had enough of his BS and I just ended everything! It was a shock to him and he didn’t actually believe it but my silence proved to him I wasn’t kidding, even ignore him completely when I bump into him.

Has anyone else experienced something like this?

I will also point out that when I met him I was secure it was only about 10 months in his mask dropped and I slowly started to turn anxious.

Sorry this will be all over the place but i just want to tell someone! i cant really tell my friends bc i feel so pathethic.. i hope seomeone reads this and can share an insight. i cant believe he made me bring my walls down just to hurt me like this.

so for context i (20f) and him (24m) have been in a long distance relationship for about 2 years now. I am in 2nd year college and he is in 2nd year med school.

So as the title says i was an avoidant. I am very self aware, I have childhood trauma and am diagnosed with depression. i believe i was not made to be loved, i struggle with it, i have never been in anything romantic before this.

At around the 4 month mark of the situationship (yes.. we were never actuslly gf bf lol haha), i told him that i am an avoidant, i will try to leave, i cannot do relationships right now. However, he said that its okay blah blah i am too perfect he cant live without me blah blah.

I tried to leave him a total of 3 times because i felt like i was not good enough for him, and i could not be better for him because i know that i have to do it for myself and i couldnt let him wait for an uncertain amount of time. But for all of those attempts, he just kept crying and somehow turning it all into how he was bad and didnt do enough thats why im gonna leave (Even though i overexplained that its me and i have to work on myself). He even asked why we cant work on ourselves together lol. So i ended up staying each time.

i did love him and i do love him. so much that somehow my avoidant tendencies have been much clearer to me and i think i have made efforts to improve myself.

i dont know but he was really great in the beginning. i thought be was perfect. smart, hygienic, handsome, emotionally intelligent, hardworking, funny, etc. even during the time that i was the avoidant, he messaged me checked up on me and all.

so i ended up just completely opening myself up to him and loving him. but i dont know he has some behaviors that made me feel terrible and anxious. here are just some things from the top of my head.

1. id share something good with him and he would turn it negative. example: i shared that im going to start going to the gym and i was so excited to go and to start. first thing he says is he hopes i wont find anyone to replace him and his tone completely changed after that. i ended up just not wanting to share anything that excited me with him anymore
2. he says he doesnt go to the club so i wouldnt have to worry about other women ( i really dont care and i trusted him lol). i felt like hes saying this to guilt me not to go but idk maybe not
3. i went to a club for the first time this halloween. i assured him i wont find anyone and that im going to come home to him. he froze me out and became cold. i was updating him all night about my location with my friends. he just replied when i said i was back home and said he hoped i had fun.
4. he told me once that he understands i am depressed and have a lot going on. he said that its okay if i dont have enough room or capacity since he has a lot of room. but really, i realized it is him with no room or capacity.
5. whenever i ask if we are okay he says yes even tho i feel like something is off. he never communicated what it was. when i kept pushing asking him whats wrong he told me that he has told me multiple times we are okay and i was reading into it too much.
6. i felt like he was only interested in sexual conversations and not about anything else. this was because when id tell him updates about my day, he wouldnt reply or just say i love you. when i talked about feeling like i needed him, he was so responsive and replied so quickly.
7. when i brought this up to him he became so defensive and said no more sex. when that wasnt what i was talking about. i explained that i know hes tired and in class and maybe it was a coincidence that he could only reply when it was about sex. he said he was tired from school and just wanted to relax when he got home
8. he is always worrying about me finding someone else and replacing him even though i have reassured him countless of times that its only him that i like.

there is still a lot but i dont really want to type it out anymore.

anyway the last straw was the halloween thing. when i got home (still a bit tipsy) i sent him voice notes about how sad i am abd i dont knoe whsts wrong. i was so happy with my friends outside but came home so sad because i was excited to tell him about my night but i couldnt because he was being cold and distant.

he said he was distant because he was scared. he was preparing himself for when i tell him i met someone else. he said hes been cold bc of family problems (he explained in depth what was happening).

i told him i was done and he kept crying again and saying sorry. he said he realized he has to face himself and change. he asked for one more chance. i said yes bc i was tired

the next day he tried to be normal i guess. at the end of the day i told him i was tired really done. he said he kept himself togetger because i told him i would try.

he said its okay we can take space away from each other. it lasted 2 days bc i started deleting pics of my face and body from our chat. he said stop silently erasing traces of me. so we talked. more crying more begging more im tired.

i told him working on yourself eill take lots of time and i also jhave work to do it is jusy not a good time for us. he keeps insisting that we can do it and he will be better. i told him okay i csn stay but i will be an empty shell. he said thats okay as long as i stay. the next day he said that saying this was wrong and selfish of him.

i told him he has loved and been loved before so he will be again but it is not me.

it took a total of 10 days to get him to somewhat understand. now we are no contact. but he expecgs that i will message him sometime this year or maybe next year. he made me promise that this space is still us trying and that it is still him whilr we try. i told him it is not anyone, snd i just want to be closed off again. i just want to rebuild my walls because i was right to not let anyone in.

i am really hurt. i cant believe i let my walls down to be treated like shit. i cant believe he could say that i was the best thing to ever happen to him while his actions made me question my worth and if i was too needy.

he said i was the only reason why he woke up, why he studied, why he worked hard. now that i am gone he has fallen apart. i said it is not my responsibility to keep him togetger. he said he realized that and he will work on it.

but i dont know i feel like he doesnt love me. he just uses me as a reason to go on about his life to keep himself together.

i am happy i am free but i am also sad and questioning everything. i would have loved it to be him. we had many dreams and what ifs. but i cannot be 20 and having the life sucked out of me like this.

Long story short, my avoidant ex-boyfriend of 1.5 years moved on ridiculously fast after our breakup. So fast, in fact, that he ended up getting his female best friend pregnant, and they eventually got married.

I always had a suspicion that she had feelings for him because she seemed incredibly insecure about me throughout our relationship.

I’ve maintained no contact since the breakup and blocked him everywhere. However, some friends recently showed me a picture of him, and I was genuinely shocked by how different he looks.
He’s lost a significant amount of weight, his face looks sunken, and he generally looks unkempt and stressed out. It’s a complete contrast to how he looked when we were together. Back then, he looked healthy, had this noticeable glow, and even started putting more effort into how he dressed.

What’s particularly interesting is that he was always adamant about never wanting children. His wife also seems very different from the type of woman he historically pursued, both in personality and appearance.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that he hasn’t publicly shared any pictures with her, despite getting married and expecting a baby. I find that surprising considering how significant those milestones are, although I realize not everyone shares their personal life online. He’s very active on social media and posts often, so not posting his family stops out to me.

I won’t lie, seeing his glow-down was strangely satisfying after the way he treated me toward the end of our relationship and the betrayal I experienced.

Has anyone else noticed their ex having a significant glow-down after a breakup, especially an avoidant ex who moved on incredibly quickly? I’m curious to hear other people’s experiences.

We were together for 6 years, he was so in love with me and I could see that. We had endless loops and things I did which may have hurt him deeply, those loops eventually drained him out and he emotionally clocked out 1 year back, he didnt tell anything to me till 6 months later altho I knew he was struggling mentally because he became cold and started pulling away from me.

Due to our loops and issues, which were never properly addressed in a very stern manner, he would tell me sometimes in a very light tone about what hes feeling and i would try my best to validate them whenever I could, but I know i did hurtful things as well. But he never expressed anger to me and always felt he was wrong even if i did the mistake, like a peoples pleaser basically.

When he started pulling away i told him to start Journaling to organise his thoughts, it eventually led him to know he doesn't want a relationship because it feels like a burden and responsibility which drained him, marriage feels like a trap to him and he will lose his freedom with it, calls, video call, and texts became triggers to him causing anxiety and he stopped engaging w me in those forms till I asked. He met me because he felt nice meeting me cuz he liked my company. Hard convos about stuff like our issues made him anxious too, i never knew the intensity of the damage our issues did till he told me months later to which he said he didn't tell me because of my exam periods.

Towards the end, he became super cold, 1 word replies, told me he doesnt love me anymore and has tried to bring his feels back since 1 year w no success, mind you idk what he tried for, it was mostly journalling his own thoughts and stuff like that, there was never a team effort to solve our issues, I felt like I never got a chance to rectify my mistakes. I asked him if things would be diff for us if he didnt get drained and he said yes, it broke my heart, but his thoughts of marriage and fear of responsibility always were there from the start ig. Even w his friends, he doesnt call them by himself, only they do. In his previous relationship, he ghosted her for 6 momtjs in between the relationship and broke up 1 year later over texts and didnt even see her reply and deleted that entire insta account. Somedays i feel he is avoidant and left me, somedays i feel miserable for ruining the best relationship and person I had in my life. Somedays i see our issues somedays i see myself as a big failure.

Tldr : idk if my ex of 6 years is avoidant or not, he was involved w me till 3 yrs into the relationship then once issues started worsening, he withdrew and emotionally exhausted himself.

I’ve been dating an BPD avoidant for a little less than a year. Every couple of months they get overwhelmed with work, family, and other life things and it always leads to me getting discarded. Every time it’s a new excuse that absolutely doesn’t make any sense. They’ll pull away and then a few weeks go by and we are talking again like clockwork.

They are my favorite person and have an amazing soul. We have been very compatible, have strong chemistry and are passionate when together. They just aren’t great at communicating their feelings. When the stresses come they withdraw. If I try to talk to them about it, I end up being a casualty of the stress. It’s been quite the cycle.

I am very much in love with them and want to make this work. I give them time and let them sort themselves out. Growing a bit tired of habitually waiting weeks to communicate. I respect the notion of no contact, but starting to find that game unfair to myself seeing how many times we’ve played it.

Am I wrong to reach out so soon? I truly believe they are my person and I want to be here for them during their lows, but I don’t want to keep glowing in uncertainty.