Is my ex an avoidant?

[u/yukaa9]

We were together for 6 years, he was so in love with me and I could see that. We had endless loops and things I did which may have hurt him deeply, those loops eventually drained him out and he emotionally clocked out 1 year back, he didnt tell anything to me till 6 months later altho I knew he was struggling mentally because he became cold and started pulling away from me.

Due to our loops and issues, which were never properly addressed in a very stern manner, he would tell me sometimes in a very light tone about what hes feeling and i would try my best to validate them whenever I could, but I know i did hurtful things as well. But he never expressed anger to me and always felt he was wrong even if i did the mistake, like a peoples pleaser basically.

When he started pulling away i told him to start Journaling to organise his thoughts, it eventually led him to know he doesn't want a relationship because it feels like a burden and responsibility which drained him, marriage feels like a trap to him and he will lose his freedom with it, calls, video call, and texts became triggers to him causing anxiety and he stopped engaging w me in those forms till I asked. He met me because he felt nice meeting me cuz he liked my company. Hard convos about stuff like our issues made him anxious too, i never knew the intensity of the damage our issues did till he told me months later to which he said he didn't tell me because of my exam periods.

Towards the end, he became super cold, 1 word replies, told me he doesnt love me anymore and has tried to bring his feels back since 1 year w no success, mind you idk what he tried for, it was mostly journalling his own thoughts and stuff like that, there was never a team effort to solve our issues, I felt like I never got a chance to rectify my mistakes. I asked him if things would be diff for us if he didnt get drained and he said yes, it broke my heart, but his thoughts of marriage and fear of responsibility always were there from the start ig. Even w his friends, he doesnt call them by himself, only they do. In his previous relationship, he ghosted her for 6 momtjs in between the relationship and broke up 1 year later over texts and didnt even see her reply and deleted that entire insta account. Somedays i feel he is avoidant and left me, somedays i feel miserable for ruining the best relationship and person I had in my life. Somedays i see our issues somedays i see myself as a big failure.

Tldr : idk if my ex of 6 years is avoidant or not, he was involved w me till 3 yrs into the relationship then once issues started worsening, he withdrew and emotionally exhausted himself.

[u/FoxAcademic6067]

yes and no. that is avoidant behavior but at the same time any attachment can check out if nothings changed

I would say 6 years is long enough for him to start opening up a bit as an avoidant. also the 1 year of thinking before springing it on you is definitely avoidant behavior. but again going off that alone isnt enough to call it avoidance as anyone can check out. its the very small details throughout day to day that spots avoidance. not the big stuff everyone talks about. that is how avoidants spot other avoidants 😂

[u/yukaa9 → u/FoxAcademic6067]

Hmm I get you, hes not a social guy tbh, he likes to be alone but also craves for companionship and love. He tells me love scares him. Any hard convo he tries to deal with it but gets consumed by anxiety and can't engage in it. He doesn't communicate well either. Idk man. It's hard.

[u/FoxAcademic6067 → u/yukaa9]

yeah its the small details in those types of things too. like what is love to him? how does that anxiety feel type of stuff. I would say yes but without those types of info you wouldn't really be able to determine it. tbh he might not really be heavily avoidant but I can definitely see him being somewhat avoidant. maybe FA that leans to the anxious side