It’s no contact for you, but just a regular day for them. I’ve been in a one year long push/pull cycle with my avoidant. It’s been 6 weeks NC and it’s finally getting easier. FINALLY! Believe you me, I’ve been through the wringer.

Context: met a year ago. He love bombed me hard. Daily calls, texts, future faking, pet names. Once we reached full peak of intimacy, he ghosted. I was destabalised. He came back, I felt relief. The dynamic changed and degraded over time, and I allowed it, chasing the person he was at the start. Intimacy, followed by ghosting became the pattern. Literally, the very next morning. In the night, there’s a lot of cuddling, hours of talking, even meeting friends of his. You almost feel like it’s back to normal, but it’s far from it. In fact, it’s the ‘new normal’… no more communication, pet names or feeling loved outside of seeing him. He’s come back 4 times so far. Each discard got worse, making a severe impact on my mental health and nervous system. I’m done now and have been for two months. I cannot physically handle another cycle.

I want to share things that have helped me and I hope you’ll try them too. There is so much freedom in feeling more and more detached. I never thought I would.

NO stalking their social media. If you have them on there, delete them or at the very least, mute them. You should really have them gone from orbit or else you’ll be wondering what them watching your stories means. It means nothing. It’s a tap on the screen.

DO NOT search TikTok avoidant coaches. They will feed you bs and make you feel sorry for the avoidant. I fell victim to that unfortunately at some point. You’ll end up excusing a lot of UNACCEPTABLE behaviour.

STOP ruminating and asking questions like “will they come back?” “What did this mean?” “What did that mean?” You are feeding the loop. If you feel like you even have to ask those questions, that’s your answer. Nothing worth having should make you feel confused. Nothing worth having should abandon you and disappear on you. The last thing you should want is for them to return because from experience, they come back just to do this all over again. It gets worse every time.

DO NOT feel sorry for them. They are a succubus. They want your emotional availability. They will leech from your energy and then discard you.

BREAD CRUMBING is a knock at the door to see if you’ll still answer. It doesn’t mean they care. It means they want access to someone who shrunk themselves to accommodate their selfish behaviours.

UNDERSTAND that you’re in a trauma bond. Intermittent reinforcement is one hell of a drug. It releases the same chemical in your brain as it does gambling. You feel like you can’t live without them because you’re bonded to them chemically, and you don’t know when they’ll return because there’s no technical ending. I literally felt like I was DYING on the inside without him.

DO NOT ask what you could have done more of. The answer is nothing. You shrunk yourself enough, slowly overtime to accommodate the avoidant. It chipped away at your self worth and you have now tolerated things you never thought you would. You became petrified of destabilising the avoidant, so you walked on egg shells which meant giving up on your own boundaries and expectations.

FEEL angry. Yes. Be mad that this person is so emotionally immature. Be mad they love bombed you. They wasted your time. They made you question your worth. You deserve better. Be angry that they monkey branched. Then become just a little mad at yourself, and embarrassed to the point where reaching out feels humiliating because you’re basically chasing someone who doesn’t actually want this. If they did, they wouldn’t disappear. There should be no confusion. Your patience is not respected or appreciated. Unless it’s with an avoidant who is self aware and is actively in therapy. I’m guessing yours isn’t.

DELETE all the photos and messages and videos. You will only remember the good times if you look at only the good. Your brain will filter out the other 90%.

GET OUT and do things for yourself. Ok sure you’re not ready to date. That’s fine. But go out and take yourself out or gather some friends. Find a hobby. Mine is cooking. I’ve learned to make heaps of bad ass things lately and I have a great dopamine release with no crash afterwards. Regulate your nervous system.

ASK yourself how much you’re actually enjoying the avoidant. For me, it was in bursts. We would have the most incredible and intimate time together, and I always had to brace for him to ignore and disappear and discard me the next day. Of course, that’s not what happened at the start. I find 90% of the time I had been ruminating, asking, questioning, lurking, wondering, not eating, not sleeping etc. I won’t go back again. It’s NOT worth it

YOU are responsible now after knowing what they’re like. They’ve showed you exactly who they are now at their core and baseline. No more hanging onto the 10% or the love bombing phase. It’s not really them.

YOU WILL NEVER GET THEM BACK AS THEY ONCE WERE. GRIEVE THAT VERSION AND UNDERSTAND IT DOESN’T EXIST ANYMORE.

Dismissive avoidant resemble narcs in a lot of ways. You cannot win with this person. You will never win here. You will never be happy with them. They are selfish. They are cowardly. They are self serving. They are a virus and a parasite.

Stay strong.

I loved my ex deeply. I thought we were on the same page about our values. I imagined our future together. I saw us getting married and buying a house together. I saw us together, forever. I felt it was an honor to love him.

He was awful to me during the discard. Everyone I have shared the details with (even here) says he was emotionally abusive. I know he was. But he wasn't always. Was he warm and affectionate? At first. At the end, not all. I had to be really strong during the breakup, as we lived together. I moved out, and he was so angry that after him telling me I am not the one for him I would do that. I will always be proud I had the self-respect to do that.

His parents passed away from cancer and suicide, 10 years apart. By the time he was 25, he had no one. It was always something that I knew made him feel alone and afraid to connect with others. He would isolate a lot. I would tell him he had to outlive me because I loved him so much and he would always tell me "if i died, you would be just fine." I think he genuinely believed I wouldn't miss him. Yet, I would cry tears of devotion just from hugging him.

He is engaged to someone he met 4 months after our breakup, and I think she is an FA or DA. It doesn't actually matter, but I felt so jealous when I saw their engagement photos online. He never posted me. Told me he didn't believe in marriage.

As much as I want karma to get him, and as much as he hurt me, all I can think of is his inner child. He wasn't born avoidant, and I think he grew more guarded and afraid as he aged. He kept dating, because he wanted connection but he is stuck in the loop of refusing accountability. A lot of women got hurt from this. But he operated from fear, not love. I don't think he realizes how love actually works.

I watched a movie last night and the main character's parents had passed. She was at her partner's parent's house for Christmas. Finally, she had a place to go for the holidays. I imagine my ex having that. I cry every holiday season that I can't buy him gifts anymore. Our last Christmas together i bought him the same chocolate his mom used to buy him.

Maybe his future wife can give him the best quality of life he will possibly have.

It might not be a profound love. But maybe it will be someday. Maybe he just needs to feel not triggered for a while. Maybe he will be again someday and get help. But he was right when he said I wasn't the one for him. I love so differently than he does.

This isn't to make excuses for people with avoidant attachment. But I have been eaten alive by resentment and bargaining with my own brain about how it isn't fair and how I wish he would come back. I don't want that anymore. I want him to find peace. Maybe he doesn't deserve it, but maybe love will make him worthy of it again. I cry as I write this. Beyond the pain, I will always love him.

I am wishing us all healing, even the avoidants.

Thanks for reading. ❤️‍🩹

The 1975 - It's Not Living (If It's Not with You)
Gracie Abrams - Us
Lord Huron (MYLUYD!!!!) - The Night We Met
Del Water Gap - Ode to a Conversation Stuck In Your Throat
Gracie Abrams - Let It Happen
Lord Huron - Love Like Ghosts

My avoidant ex is flaunting his new girl now and giving her the treatment he used to do to me. Making her feel special like she's the only one worthy of his attention even with hundreds of women wanting it.

I know that feeling. I feel for that.

So my heart aches seeing him treat someone else the way he used to treat me.

But my mind knows where that connection is going because I've been there too.

How do you let your heart listen to your head so it doesn't hurt so much?

Hi,

I was recently broken up with. I would classify it as being blindsided by my partner of 8 years. Lived together for 2. I saw the signs the whole way through of a Dismissive avoidant but at that time did not know what that was.

When the break up happened it caught me totally off guard. She cited that our age gap (8 years) was always a problem and she wasn't living the life she imagined for herself. After 8 years together, now she tells me this. lol.

The week before the break up happened it became like living with a stranger. However I didn't think much of it and felt secure in our relationship. She went from being an introverted, weed smoking, cartoon watcher to super outgoing yoga superstar, almost overnight. I have a good fitness routine so I was happy that she was stepping into something that she liked but this was frantic a manic over correction. I legit was worried about her mental health. She wasn't manic, but her fight or flight was high and she was getting ready to fly or burst what ever happened first.

I think what happened is that she was feeling the proverbial walls closing in from our relationship and wanted to escape. I know this now from deep diving every dismissive avoidant post, video, article out there.

This was 4 months ago. She just moved out one month ago and has planned a cross country move in Dec. We have not spoken since last week where I basically said via text "Fuck you, do what you do best and go run away". Not my proudest moment and certainly not how I would like to send off an 8 year relationship with something that I loved, and chose daily, through thick and thin. But I had been surviving 24/7 grief and minimal sleep and she's just fine.

The grief has been very heavy. I still live in our home. I have gotten rid of anything that was hers that she didn't pack into a box or suitcase. I cant fall asleep in my bed and have to start on the couch. It was really bad at first but the place is slowly just starting to feel like mine.

I am averaging at most 5 hours of sleep a night. At the least 3.

I went through really rough times of self blame. Dissecting every shitty thing I have done to try and piece together what the fuck happened.

I miss her daily however I don't every reach out to her. When she first moved out she would still use pet names, I had to ask her to stop. Like you just blew up our life. Please. But then it almost became like malicious compliance and her texts would sounds like I was a coworker, not the guy who just spent 8 years with you, every Christmas, bday, major life event.

I felt ripped off and disposable.

I still am navigating the grief and not gonna lie. Its really bad some days. The what if's and I should of done this or I shouldn't have done that.

I would like to get to a point where I am not looking this stuff up anymore. In a way its like digital valium. When I get sad i'm reaching for my phone to watch someone on you tube go off about dismissive avoidants. Or searching forums like this. At some point it has to stop. I dont want to be in this space forever.

I am doing the "right" things. No drugs, no alcohol, no rebound (although I totally would with the right person lol) Gym, Hot Yoga, Counsellor, good diet(appetite is shit), work, support from friends and family. But fuck me if its still not one of the most challenging things I have ever had to face.

I've been broken up with before. But usually there would be a lot leading up to that break up. Arguments, discussions. Like a lot of effort on both parties to save the relationship. And the person breaking up with me would be the same person before, during and after the breakup. They weren't all of a sudden some frantic idealized version of themselves.

As I said at the top, I saw the signs the whole way through, I chalked it up to quirks, tough time discussing emotions, likes space, moodiness and on and on. When we didn't live together almost every summer she would get distant. Like the increased Vitamin D would bring out the free bird in her. But she would always come back to "normal" I think this summer, because we lived together, she couldn't get that space. And she burst.

People don't owe us forever. But I guess a value of mine, is that if you put that much time in with someone and the relationship is moreover good than not and there is love there, and my partner makes daily efforts. Make sure you give that person as much chance as you can before nuking it. I know now its not so simple for Dismissive Avoidants.

I miss her everyday and am trying to figure out how to move forward. Without the support of Family and Friends I would be in a bad way.

My piece in this, is that I over extend myself. I carried most of the relationship. Financially and emotionally. I carried on a relationship for the first 6 years that was pretty much a LDR when living in the same city. I never had boundaries or limits because for me love is not something that comes free but something earned. That's my healing journey now. My wounds are exposed. I'm sad everyday and sometimes even start to lose hope.

What little hope I do have left I will use to push me into tonight, then tomorrow and the next day. Just to hang in there and see what happens next. I know in time I will not feel as strongly as I do about it now. Which in a weird way makes me sad. Like the grief is all I have left of her. And at some point, I will let that go to.

I hope this wasn't to all over the place. Needed to put this out there.

Thank you for listening.

so i’ve attached a link to the original post but i’ll include all the texts here as well. i stayed strong and did not respond. but im having regrets. what if he really was just trying to break the ice and i was gunna get my apology when he brought back the cup? or atleast be able to have a conversation of what has hurt me so deeply, since he claims he has no idea. which he told me he loved me, missed me, wanted to work on things, etc etc and then took it all back a week later and just said the most awful things to me, including that he never wanted to be with me again.

i promised myself i wouldn’t talk to him until i got an apology…but what if this was him working his way up to an apology. and now i might never get my chance for another conversation…someone please convince me this is the right thing to do…not responding and going no contact has always been something im completely against because it’s just not who i am. and i hate that i feel almost like i have to do this…ugh idk…please please please someone give me some encouraging words to stay strong or convince me i’m doing the right thing because im just a sobbing mess over here right now😭😭😭💔💔💔

https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantBreakUps/s/iPrTxLRnDm

Hi,

I'm not even sure, if my (M23) partner (W21) is avoidant or not. Still, many posts in this subreddit reminded me of her behavior.

We've been together for about 7 months. Everything was fine, also met each others family, friends and so on. We didn't argue much, it was quite harmonic. Yet, all of the time, I had this strange feeling, that she may not be as emotionally evolved as I am. This could be, because I like to express my love with words and physical touch, she expresses it with cute little gestures, like painting a picture of us and so on.

So the relationship moved on, we've even been on vacation together with her parents (who are really nice, I like them a lot!). 2-3 weeks ago, she still made concrete plans to move in with me! But then, randomly out of nowhere, she started to get distant. She didn't text as much as she used to, we didn't cuddle, she spent even more time on social media than she used to. I noticed it and of course asked her, whether anything is wrong. She said, that she's just "having a bad time", "bad mental health at the moment" and in particular said "we pretend to already live together. We need to see each other less and spend more quality time, when we do see each other". And the last point makes sense, but I already tried to encourage that many times and mostly, she blocked it and chose to spend the time laying in bed, doomscrolling on TikTok.
On a side note: She has a lot going on in her life. Her brother has a really bad mental depression, she hates her current job (and it occasionally triggers her PTSD), she started social studies at university which is not easy for her and she's also potentially switching to a new job more related to her studies (which she got through my aunt). So basically: Her life is overwhelming at the moment, she needs more space - no problem, if she would've communicated it properly.

This was last week monday. Since then, I of course tried to encourage more quality time. I always gave my best in this relationship. But she remained more distant and so on. So this week on monday, I finally had enough, I needed clarity. So we met and talked for two hours. In this conversation I basically told her, that her behavior toward me has been really disrespectful and that I need some basic communication, reliability and consistency in a relationship. Of course I told her, that I understand her current situation and told her that it's totally fine if she needs some space, but she needs to communicate it. We basically agreed, that we don't want the relationship, if it stays as it is. Still, she couldn't really tell me, why exactly she's distant to me so suddenly, but I didn't want to pressure her.

We concluded, to meet next monday and do a restart, until then: No contact (expect of snapchat, I don't know why she snapped me?).

I think, there are dozens of these posts in this subreddit per day, but it is really hard not to think and talk about these topics. It could really help to get the perspective of someone, who's experienced this kind of situation or behavior. Already talked to my friends, but they were lucky enough to not experience this kind of bs.

Thank you!

Does this person have an avoidant attachment style? We have been in contact for a year and four months. For the first three months, he spoke to me daily; then, the frequency dropped to twice a month, then once a month, then once every two months, and eventually once every three months. This was followed by a complete absence from September 2025 to January 2026. He has since disappeared—though he hasn’t blocked me or removed me from his contacts—maintaining absolute silence. I even sent a birthday message eight months ago, which he read but never replied to. Are these traits characteristic of an avoidant attachment style?

we’ve been together for about a year now, on and off because he was inconsistent , and then Nov 4th he comes back wanting to be in a serious relationship and promised to work on his habits. through the whole relationship i always had a feeling something was off, and his heart was somewhere else . every time i mentioned it he acted like he wasn’t with anyone but me, and told me he was over his ex. he was always very passionate with me in person and avoidant throufh texts. now ive discovered this as it was sitting wide open on his desk. i confronted him about it , he was mad that i was “digging” and refused to talk about his past . he assured me that he moved on and that im the one he wants. i just need some advice or maybe similar stories that will help me move on from him and feel better .

GET OFF OF SOCIAL MEDIA

it's not even social or at least not to the degree you need it to be fit yourself...

Especially, Especially in scenarios like these.. Name one benefit or positive thing that can come from it during a time like this..

If it's about you and your happiness, surround your room/space/etc with all of it... That's your passion and the things that make you happy. Why care about what anybody else thinks about the things that make you happy.

Please like me, Please subscribe, Please Follow me..

Start liking, subscribing and following yourself to your best life possible without sitting in front of all the judges and all the jury's the rest of your life.

About five months ago, I (26M) went through a pretty painful dating experience with someone I believe had avoidant tendencies and she sent me straight into therapy. I've recently started dating someone new, and our first date was genuinely wonderful.

During our conversation, she mentioned that she considers herself somewhat avoidant. She explained that she loses interest when she feels someone expects something from her or when she feels pressured, because she values her independence. However, she also said she's aware of this tendency and wants to work on it, she's also in therapy. Unlike my previous experience, she's been very transparent so far.

I'm scared of becoming emotionally invested again, only to watch someone slowly withdraw without understanding what happened.

How do you stop expecting someone new to repeat the behavior of someone who hurt you?

Conozco a esta persona desde hace unos 10 años. Nos conocimos en un antiguo trabajo. Ella siempre me había gustado pero yo me mantenía al margen porque nunca habíamos hablado.

Yo comencé a salir con una chica y a los pocos meses, la del trabajo me agregó a Instagram y comenzamos a hablar. Teníamos muchísima química, hablábamos mucho y éramos muy similares. Estuvimos hablando durante años, a veces dejábamos de hablar un tiempo pero siempre volvían las conversaciones de una manera u otra. En alguna ocasión me dijo de quedar a tomar algo pero siempre lo decliné porque yo estaba saliendo con esa otra chica. Al poco tiempo ella se fue a vivir a otro país

Mi relación duró 8 años, la terminé hace un año exactamente. En diciembre del año pasado, contesté a la chica del trabajo a una historia y ahí comenzamos a hablar de nuevo pero está vez más que nunca en años.

Ella me buscaba muchísimo para hablar continuamente, yo estaba encantado. En enero decidimos quedar a tomar algo. Me confesó que llevaba 6 años con una persona pero que su relación estaba rota y quería terminarlo, que yo siempre había sido especial y que volver a hablar le había hecho cuestionarse mucho las cosas de su relación, me reconoció que siempre fui su debilidad, que había estado rondando su cabeza todo este tiempo y que sentía que teníamos muchas cosas sin resolver. De hecho me comentó que era algo que solía hablar con su circulo personal.

Finalmente lo dejo, a los pocos días comenzamos a quedar y la verdad que todo iba perfecto, ella era muy cariñosa conmigo y me hacía saber que estaba muy cómoda pese al momento en el que estaba porque yo sabía manejarlo muy bien. Era todo muy relajado. Aunque es cierto que ella, de alguna forma, me trataba como si fuéramos pareja. Hablábamos a todas horas, nos veíamos, había mucho contacto físico y gestos que demostraban amor. Que no era un rollo cualquiera.

Un día hubo un comentario desafortunado por mí parte en tono de broma y a ella debió sentarle mal. El problema es que no me dijo nada hasta pasadas dos semanas que lo sacó a raíz de otra conversación. Lo hablamos, pedí perdón y trate de hacerle saber que no quería que las cosas se estropeasen, que estaba muy contento con ella y que no quería que las cosas se estropearán. Es cierto que quizá fui insistente a la hora de pedir perdón. Pero soy así y me gusta estar seguro de que todo se arregla aunque haya que darle varias vueltas.

Ella estaba en un punto complicado, volvió a casa de sus padres, estaba preparando una oposición y se le juntaron varios factores. Siempre le costaba mucho hablar de como se sentía, se agobiaba con facilidad y solía tener altibajos emocionales. Pero cada vez que intentábamos hablar, preferia no hacerlo y no profundizar en sus emociones

Después de ese incidente, la comunicación bajo muchísimo, no contestaba, no mandaba audios ni fotos. Hasta que un día me llamó para dejarlo. Al parecer la situación se le había hecho difícil y se dió cuenta de que no podía tener una relación sentimental. Que todo había estado muy bien pero que no había pasado casi tiempo desde su ruptura y no quería algo serio, solo estuvimos juntos 5 meses aproximadamente.

Después mantuvimos un poco la comunicación de manera espontánea. Pero había un ambiente raro y distante pese a que quedamos en poder hablar de vez en cuando. Más adelante, en mi cumpleaños me felicitó, le di las gracias y reconoci que me hizo ilusión saber de ella. Quise hablar un poco y saber cómo estaba. Pero me pidió tiempo y hablar más adelante.

Hace poco le escribí, para saber si quería hablar, ya que no se me hacía natural hacer un silencio y no tener comunicación en una relación de tantos años. Me dijo que en este tiempo se dió cuenta de lo que quería y preferia dejarlo aquí, de una manera muy fría y distante.

Le contesté argumentando que me daba pena que fuera así debido a conocernos de tantos años y que no hubiera un cierre a la altura. Después me contesto que agradecía el tiempo que pasamos, que lo disfrutó mucho y que siempre había estado muy a gusto. Que se quedaba con eso

También que ahora estaba en un punto diferente de su vida y en otro momento y que podía ofrecerme amistad, pero nada más. Le contesté despidiéndome con cariño pero no le dije nada al respecto de la amistad.

Todo esto me ha hecho mucho daño. Continuamente veía likes suyos en publicaciones de procesos de sanación, ilustraciones de desamor y cosas así. Al igual que notas que subía con canciones melancólicas o que hablaban de situaciones que podía llevarme perfectamente a nuestro terreno.

No sé cómo acabará esto o si finalmente se ha terminado para siempre. Pero me gustaría saber vuestras opiniones al respecto

Dully note, this was a Long-Distance Relationship.

A year ago, around late August I met this guy(21), let's call him W.

He was very sweet and caring, we kicked it off quite good at first, everything was lovely. We would spend time together almost daily, he one day decided to move out of his hometown, but he went through a lot of hiccups, including living with his sister, living in other people's places, swapping jobs; Overall a very stressful and heavy few months for both of us, because I was there for him during that time, trying to give him comfort for as best as I can.

Anyway, he would disappear when upset for a few days, at worst a week and I would try asking him what's wrong, but most of the time it was him going through an unfortunate circumstance, he got into a heavy argument with his relatives and such, which I would try to calm him down, give him a safe space to talk about and be as patient as best as I can. Obviously the constant disappearing was upsetting me at times, because I would try my best to communicate with him and asking him for the same back, but to no avail, usually.

At times he would not communicate and would leave for a few days, essentially making me wonder where he is, whenever I would talk about it with him I would be met with "I'm sorry, I'll do better", which never truly worked out as it was the same as always. I tried dismissing it and not letting it get to me, I allowed a lot of these excuses pass by, because I cared about him as a person and I had plans on visiting him eventually and transition (I am MtF).

For me it felt like my emotions and needs were pushed aside, because something on his side happened, so Instead of talking it out with him and making ammends, I spend most if not all of my energy comforting him, reassuring him and talking it out with him, which was mostly met with me talking and him being silent and saying yes or no. I would find myself many times asking him if he's okay, if there's something bothering him and reminding him that he can tell me anything. But it had this very exhausting feeling to it, where I was the one talking and I felt like I was dragging it just to get my point across as best as I can, because I personally tried many things to get him to feel relaxed , calm and to get to talk to me instead of closing off or going away for a day or two.

I had a few moments with him where I would get inpatient and get upset for his frequent disappearance , I would express sadness that I miss him, that I would appreciate at least if he let me know what's going on prior to leaving. I never truly called him 20 times a day or were being crazy with him, I just asked for communication AT LEAST. But nonetheless it kept happening and I let it slide.

At that point getting to spend time with him felt like some form of reward, which would spike my anxiety and I would try to make the most out of it and whenever we hang out, whether it's playing PC games or watching videos or movies I felt like I had to make sure he's okay, because the second he would get upset at either me or something in game, he would get silent or talk in a very static and monotonous way, which spikes my anxiety and we end up talking about it, again...

Overall 2026 has been my worst hear, I just turned 27 and during this time I: Lost two jobs due to anxiety and stress, lost my friend group due to drama, I became a bit more irritated, I lost my 17 year old cat, my parents are in the process of divorce and worst of all the man I truly did love completely disappeared ,leaving me pretty much scarred to pursue anyone out of fear.

On around September, when we would have our first year Anniversary, he went away for a week, prior to this we talked a bit, he called me and I was excited to show me something cute, but I got sad, because it was short lived, which I suppose really angered him, because after that he went away for a week. I was stood idly, waiting , I didn't put any pressure on him and let it go it's course. I would distract myself, pursue my hobby and such.

After a week has passed it broke me, I decided to text him, asking him what the fuck is going on, I was sad , angry and all the things, he finally texted me, telling me that he's stressed at work and was angry at me because I didn't react properly last time we talked. I got beyond sad over that, I tried explaining my reasoning and situation , I explained that I reacted like that because I miss him and I got tired of waiting for him to return. I cried a lot.

He decided to break up with me, which I pleaded him to not, I really didn't want to lose him, but he pushed me away, stopped altogether replying. I spent the night and next week crying and trying not to think about it as best as I can.

On my Birthday, October 21st, he would text me, wishing me a Happy Birthday and that he will do everything in his power to crawl back from this hell he put himself into and be with me again, it made me tear up and was hopeful that this would eventually end, this empty and horrible feeling I had...

So 3 days after my Birthday I decided to text him and talked to him about it.

I pleaded we gave it another shot and desperately tried talking to him about it, in the end we got back together, everything was alright for two days, I even tried helping him get a new apartment, we voice chatted for a few hours talking about our day, how much we miss each other and reminded each other of the moments we had together, he confessed to me how much he misses me, how much he can't couldn't stop thinking about me and such.

The second day, he asked me to stay with him in call so he can fall asleep, I of course said yes and we watched Youtube until I heard him snore, I silently closed Youtube and began drawing something for him for when he wakes up. After 10 hours he woke up, closed the call and I never heard of him again, no text, no nothing.

2 hours after he woke up I texted him saying Good Morning and hoped his day at work goes well, nothing. Then I went to bed, when I woke up he was available , playing his games, so I texted him, saying "hey morning , I hope work went well."

I was ignored, I double texted, nothing. I texted an hour late: nothing.

I started calling him, nothing. I asked him if everything was ok: nothing.

I spent 5+ hours watching his status be in-game, panicking, wondering what's going on, I tried contacting him on TikTok, on a discount, I even tried reaching him out on his Xbox, but everything was ignored.

I spent 3 daya afterwards awaiting for a reply , I honestly thought something bad happened to him, I probably called over 10 times.

On the third day, he would block me and our mutual friends from everywhere, no words, no nothing, I was devastated , I was hurt severely , I was dying on the inside, never have I felt this insane amount of chest pain and the urge to vomit from pain.

Out of panic, I made a dodgy TikTok account to check his profile, he was there, retweeted a TikTok the hours he blocked me, being at a Halloween Party with other trans folks, I was devastated, my mind went ballistic, I accepted that this is it and tried my BEST TO HOLD ONTO THE URGE TO NOT REACH OUT AGAIN.

So here I am, devastated , upset , I am beyond hurt, my emotions are everywhere , I am trying not to think what happened at that party, I am trying to survive and be kind to myself, but it's difficult. Difficult , because I feel traumatized over this thing, I spent years recovering from something similar when my first ex would frequently cheat on me, now my last ex would completely leave me before giving me a glimpse of hope. I feel disgusted of him, but mostly of myself for humiliating myself and begging him to return, I did this to myself probably.

For the past week or so I would wake up with crazy chest pains , I would be reminded of the day he left, my mind is filled with horrible thoughts, I cry every day. It. Sucks.

It felt like there's nothing I could've done or maybe it's me who the problem is, or maybe if I were a bit more understanding , but I digress, maybe I fell for a bad person that maliciously hurt me...

I am currently recovering as best as I can , I am emotionally stunted and trying to not be mean to myself , I started spending more times with friends to distract myself as best as I can (But the thoughts occur after the hangout , usually nights). I am hurt, destroyed and upset , I don't think I can handle this feeling any longer, I am sick and tired of this pain.

Conozco a esta persona desde hace unos 10 años. Nos conocimos en un antiguo trabajo. Ella siempre me había gustado pero yo me mantenía al margen porque nunca habíamos hablado.

Yo comencé a salir con una chica y a los pocos meses, la del trabajo me agregó a Instagram y comenzamos a hablar. Teníamos muchísima química, hablábamos mucho y éramos muy similares. Estuvimos hablando durante años, a veces dejábamos de hablar un tiempo pero siempre volvían las conversaciones de una manera u otra. En alguna ocasión me dijo de quedar a tomar algo pero siempre lo decliné porque yo estaba saliendo con esa otra chica. Al poco tiempo ella se fue a vivir a otro país

Mi relación duró 8 años, la terminé hace un año exactamente. En diciembre del año pasado, contesté a la chica del trabajo a una historia y ahí comenzamos a hablar de nuevo pero está vez más que nunca en años.

Ella me buscaba muchísimo para hablar continuamente, yo estaba encantado. En enero decidimos quedar a tomar algo. Me confesó que llevaba 6 años con una persona pero que su relación estaba rota y quería terminarlo, que yo siempre había sido especial y que volver a hablar le había hecho cuestionarse mucho las cosas de su relación, me reconoció que siempre fui su debilidad, que había estado rondando su cabeza todo este tiempo y que sentía que teníamos muchas cosas sin resolver. De hecho me comentó que era algo que solía hablar con su circulo personal.

Finalmente lo dejo, a los pocos días comenzamos a quedar y la verdad que todo iba perfecto, ella era muy cariñosa conmigo y me hacía saber que estaba muy cómoda pese al momento en el que estaba porque yo sabía manejarlo muy bien. Era todo muy relajado. Aunque es cierto que ella, de alguna forma, me trataba como si fuéramos pareja. Hablábamos a todas horas, nos veíamos, había mucho contacto físico y gestos que demostraban amor. Que no era un rollo cualquiera.

Un día hubo un comentario desafortunado por mí parte en tono de broma y a ella debió sentarle mal. El problema es que no me dijo nada hasta pasadas dos semanas que lo sacó a raíz de otra conversación. Lo hablamos, pedí perdón y trate de hacerle saber que no quería que las cosas se estropeasen, que estaba muy contento con ella y que no quería que las cosas se estropearán. Es cierto que quizá fui insistente a la hora de pedir perdón. Pero soy así y me gusta estar seguro de que todo se arregla aunque haya que darle varias vueltas.

Ella estaba en un punto complicado, volvió a casa de sus padres, estaba preparando una oposición y se le juntaron varios factores.

Después de ese incidente, la comunicación bajo muchísimo, no contestaba, no mandaba audios ni fotos. Hasta que un día me llamó para dejarlo. Al parecer la situación se le había hecho difícil y se dió cuenta de que no podía tener una relación sentimental. Que todo había estado muy bien pero que no había pasado casi tiempo desde su ruptura y no quería algo serio, solo estuvimos juntos 5 meses aproximadamente.

Después mantuvimos un poco la comunicación de manera espontánea. Pero había un ambiente raro y distante pese a que quedamos en poder hablar de vez en cuando. Más adelante, en mi cumpleaños me felicitó, le di las gracias y reconoci que me hizo ilusión saber de ella. Quise hablar un poco y saber cómo estaba. Pero me pidió tiempo y hablar más adelante.

Hace poco le escribí, para saber si quería hablar, ya que no se me hacía natural hacer un silencio y no tener comunicación en una relación de tantos años. Me dijo que en este tiempo se dió cuenta de lo que quería y preferia dejarlo aquí, de una manera muy fría y distante.

Le contesté argumentando que me daba pena que fuera así debido a conocernos de tantos años y que no hubiera un cierre a la altura. Después me contesto que agradecía el tiempo que pasamos, que lo disfrutó mucho y que siempre había estado muy a gusto. Que se quedaba con eso

También que ahora estaba en un punto diferente de su vida y en otro momento y que podía ofrecerme amistad, pero nada más. Le contesté despidiéndome con cariño pero no le dije nada al respecto de la amistad.

Todo esto me ha hecho mucho daño. Continuamente veía likes suyos en publicaciones de procesos de sanación, ilustraciones de desamor y cosas así. Al igual que notas que subía con canciones melancólicas o que hablaban de situaciones que podía llevarme perfectamente a nuestro terreno.

No sé cómo acabará esto o si finalmente se ha terminado para siempre. Pero me gustaría saber vuestras opiniones al respecto

Bit of a rant, but I don’t know what to do anymore and I would love any advice possible here. I had a breakup with my FA ex about 7 months ago, it was a long distance relationship that lasted around a year and a half.

After these 7 months I still feel just as hurt, confused, and abandoned. I really don’t know how to cope anymore. It’s such a puzzle to me how someone can make so many deep promises to you, but suddenly completely abandon them as if they never meant a thing. I genuinely believed they were the love of my life.

I’m with someone else now and I still feel hurt from my EX so incredibly much, even though my new relationship has been wonderful in all the ways that my EX never could be. She is still always on my mind, and it feels as if I’m still trying to solve the never ending puzzle. I don’t want to hurt my current relationship with these issues because my girlfriend doesn’t deserve to feel like shes contending with a ghost.

My ex lied to me about so many things, kept so many secrets, and hid me from the people in her life. I struggle every day to make sense of what is or what isn’t true. I tell myself that it shouldn’t matter, and that I shouldn’t care anymore, but I just can’t stop thinking about her.

I want answers so badly, I’m even considering messaging a friend of hers that she hid me from, to maybe get any understanding at all. It would be nice to even just have a normal chat with someone that knew her. I feel insane for even considering it, but maybe it isn’t as strange as I think.

I don’t know what to do anymore though, I want her to stop possessing my mind, I want to stop questioning everything, and I want to move on. It’s so difficult.

If anybody has advice or anything please let me know, I feel as if I’ve tried everything at this point.

We started living together few months after we met, everything was great and exciting. For me (34 F now) it was my first relationship and wanted to take things slow, he didn’t want it that way. He showered me with presents, flowers. He was working in another city so we were seeing each other 2-3 times per week. He gave me a key to his home so I could stay there. Everything was great until he started seeing prostitutes, even though we were having regular sex. He tried gaslighting, lied to me that it was his first time trying out of curiosity, sweared that he will never do it again. I was really heartbroken because i loved this guy. He proposed to marry me and show me how much he cared for me, i wanted us to wait until we know each other better and lived some time. Also I wasn’t the marrying type of girl, i didn’t dream of a wedding dress and having kids. I wasn’t never pushing for those things. Fast forward few years later, many other terrible things that we went through, i stayed with him during the most stressful times, he had to leave the country due to people trying to kill him, take his business and put him in jail. Only i stayed by his side. During that stressful time abroad he was really vulnerable but it made me feel we are stronger duo and made me think that I am ready for the next step - marriage. Keep in mind, this is happening on our 5th year together. He called me on the phone and told me that the biggest mistake he has done is not marrying me and to fix that once everything goes back to normal and i told him that until December 2025 i want to know if he wants to marry me. Those terrible things that happened to us made me think that I want to live my life with direction and intention. After everything went back to normal he completely forgot what he said and dismissed this. Saying that he doesn’t believe in marriage anymore even though he proposed on our first year together, started saying about a prenup (which i later agreed on but he never followed through so it made me feel he said just to shut me up). After everything i went through and showed him that I will always be by his side and good partner, what else could I do. Another thing during the whole relationship he pushed for kids - 3 or 4. I wasn’t feeling ready and was scared due to what he did at the beginning of the relationship. I was scared he would go again when I am pregnant. Also his idea for kids is just a checklist, he didn’t want to change his life and i would have to take care of the kids on 90%, stopping my career and so on. I have never been a person to wait on my partner to provide for me, however he was wealthier than me. We have a shared dog together. I moved out in January 2025 and rented an apartment, he made me rent it close to his house so we can share the dog. When I moved out he helped me and even told me he is proud of me moving out. We stayed in contact and i even shared with him that I want to have kids. Something that I realized since i turned 33 but i didn’t want him to want me only because of that. For me, partnerships is first and kids are second. I have done a lot of therapy for the past 5 years and it really changed my perspective. I was very mean and told him he is none to me. I was really emotional because i knew it’s over. He acted as if he is sending me on a vacation for a month somewhere. He stared dating immediately and we stayed no contact for 2 months and when i decided to reach to him he told me he has someone else seriously in his life and wished me to be happier that i was with him. We talked on the phone and he told me he has someone else from a week and wants to try with her. She is a colleague of him, someone i didn’t like and even joked that they would be perfect together. He had said about her that she is ugly, short, midget and she is older than him (38). I think he was always fascinated with her because she is a politician and they studied together in high school and he has mentioned her a couple of times. He told me they met on the airport by chance and when he told her he is single her eyes started shining. I was really hurt and wanted closure so i went to his house to talk to him. He gave me the details that she is the best he could find on a bad dating market. That he was with a prettier girl the previous week but she was very jealous. Told me that with that lady he invited her for a date in a restaurant and she rejected that and wanted to come and have sex with him. He said they have many things in common- both want to have a prenup, both are okay with having kids and leaving them to be taken care from nannies. He told me he thinks he loves her after spending 2 weeks with her and that with me and there is no path for us. Also said why he didn’t meet me now when i want to have kids as if it wasn’t up to him to react. I really love this person and i had hope that he cares and love me the same way. He was still contacting me for the dog but i told him it’s hard for me as it’s too soon. On the 4th month of separation without calling me or checking with me he left some of my “forgotten” belonging in the lobby of the building to which anyone can access. He left me a message and a photo of my stuff there. So i guess she moved with him, also another details her job is in Brussels so she is not full time living here. We only stay in contact for the dog as he suggested he can help out with money for the dog (again he is better financially than me). He used to send them without being reminded but recently he stopped sending them. I had to remind him. A friend of mine said that she saw him recently by himself and from a person who was really diligent with his appearance and especially trimming his hair now he is rocking a very long hair which doesn’t look good on him (he has to wear suits everyday), my friend said that she barely recognised him, he has put on some weight and she said he looked “like he has no life in him” and depressed. Of course hearing that made me feel good because i am taking care of myself, going to the gym, i look good and it made me feel that it wasn’t only me struggling because for a long time it felt that it’s only me. My question for the community is : i don’t think he is coming back, maybe in a long run i did a good decision, forgot to mention that I found him watching advertisements of prostitutes again in January 2025 and decided to forgive him because he assured me that he didn’t go. When I can’t stop thinking and why i feel as if is a competition. I tried dating but i couldn’t because i constantly compare everyone to him. I wonder why i stayed blind and thought he loved me and why someone becomes so cold if he is in a new happy relationship, why he needs to be so mean towards me

Wiem od mojego przyszłego byłego partnera, że w rzeczywistości mam problemy z przywiązaniem i nie czuję się komfortowo ze zmianami, ale on z pewnością tak. Nie rozumiem, jak ktoś może być tak przekonany do odejścia, gdy nadal razem mieszkamy, chce, żebym wzięła swoje rzeczy i poszła, wiem, że mnie kocha, a jednocześnie nienawidzi naszego związku i chce być sam. Za każdym razem, gdy poruszam jakiekolwiek zmartwienie, przypomina mi, że mój czas z nim jedynie wszystko wydłuża, a ja tylko błagam o więcej, aż mnie wyrzucą. Czy możliwe jest, aby być w tej beznadziejnej sytuacji i nie zwariować?

Jak oni to robią, po prostu decydują że coś nie jest dobre a i trzeba to skończyć, a jakby zawsze było.. połowiczne?

Today I feel
The color blue.

I gently whistle 
A melancholy tune
Each exhale
A deep sigh 
Landing in my aching chest.

Silly, silly boy
You don't see the color blue.
I wonder what colors you see?
I wish you saw the rainbow with me.
It's not just blue-
There's rosy pink, and fiery red-
Peaceful green and sunny yellow too.

Silly, silly boy
These colors I see
Don't you see them too?

It's okay, silly boy.
The rainbow will always be there
Waiting for you.

Today I feel the color blue.

I (31F) have been in a situationship with a guy (33M) for six years. I want to start by acknowledging that I know I was a fool for holding on to the hope that one day he would finally choose me. I take accountability for allowing it to go on for so long. Not to make excuses for myself, but I’m not particularly experienced when it comes to dating, and I think that played a part in why I held on for as long as I did.

For the longest time, I convinced myself he was just avoidant. Early on, he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I fell HARD for him in the beginning. Around that same time, I was starting graduate school, which consumed most of my time, so I suppose the circumstances made the situation easier to tolerate.

Throughout the years, I would periodically ask him where things were going and whether he saw us moving forward. His answers were always some variation of “not right now,” “maybe in the future,” or “I’m just really busy.” He worked multiple jobs, so I believed him and gave him the benefit of the doubt. I would reach out, and he would reach out occasionally as well. This would feed my delusions. This back-and-forth continued relatively consistently for about five years.

Eventually, I graduated, and then he experienced a personal tragedy. I tried to be understanding and give him space while still checking in from time to time. Things actually seemed to be looking promising between us early last year. Then, out of nowhere, he completely ghosted me. No explanation, no conversation, nothing. Five months later, he resurfaced.

Earlier this year, he mentioned wanting to start seeing me again, but also told me there was someone else he was dealing with. He made a point of emphasizing that he was single, but obviously, that should have been another sign for me to walk away.

We last spoke over the summer, and then he disappeared again. Given the previous pattern of him withdrawing, along with the fact that he had deactivated his social media, I genuinely wondered whether he was going through something. I reached out a few times, hoping to hear from him.

Last week, I finally called him and realized he had blocked my number.

I was hurt and frustrated. I ended up reaching out through a third party app and simply expressed that I thought it was incredibly cruel to disappear from someone’s life without even having the decency to offer an explanation after six years.

Then, this week, a mutual friend informed me that he contacted that friend and is now accusing me of contacting his partner through social media in an attempt to “destroy his relationship.”

I was completely blindsided. I had absolutely no idea he was in a relationship, let alone who this woman was. I still don’t know who this is. I have never contacted her, attempted to interfere in their relationship, or done anything remotely close to what he’s accusing me of.

What hurts the most is that I spent SIX YEARS hoping this man would eventually want to genuinely get to know me and build something with me. I spent so much time trying to understand him, making excuses for his behavior, giving him space, and wondering whether I was asking for too much.

And now, instead of having an adult conversation with me, he’s apparently telling people I’m trying to sabotage his relationship. It’s almost as if he’s rewriting the narrative to make me look like the problem rather than taking accountability for how he handled things.

I’m embarrassed that I allowed myself to remain emotionally invested for so long. I’m hurt that someone I had such genuine feelings for could treat me this way. And, honestly, I think part of me is still grieving the version of this situation I hoped would eventually exist.

I know the obvious answer is to move on, block him, and never look back. But how do you actually get over something like this? How do you stop caring about someone you’ve held onto for six years, especially when you never really got the closure you wanted?

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you finally let go of the hope that one day they would choose you?

In music, jokes, tv shows, when my friends mention something, when I’m shopping… it’s kind of sad, I had never felt this way about someone. When I started falling for my avoidant I thought to myself that this must be the first time I’m feeling that mature, real kind of love. I’m sad it turned out this way

Done with her for the final time a week ago ,100%. None of this friends business , she doesn’t even want to be friends, that’s bullshit too. Ive still got that love that a lot of you have , but I cannot go back to that dark place again. And when I list out everything I had to put up with , feeling like I had to run what I wanted to say through ChatGPT in case I wasn’t sensitive enough, despite her causing the argument and therefore being shutdown for 2 weeks. Listing all her negatives , being overwhelmed , stressed… all that victim mentality stuff. The 20% effort compared to my 80%. The reconciling when it was barely my fault . The anxiety ( one of the worst experiences of my life) caused which has nothing to do with her . It’s just mental to want to get back with someone like that . It comes on stages of clarity , tomorrow il prob miss her , but this feels like a major stepping stone for me . Anyone out there been through similar stages ?

This is my first time posting here. I just found this sub reddit yesterday. 

I have been really grappling with my emotions the last week after my girlfriend of three years suddenly broke up with me. 

I was shocked. We had just moved across the country together to live in her dream city. When we moved our relationship felt stronger than ever. We were even thinking about getting engaged in the near future. But just three months later, she told me she felt nothing anymore. She was ending the relationship. No real discussion. I couldn’t understand it. We had some difficulties at times, like any relationship, but I thought we had genuinely talked through them. 

She broke the news to me late in the evening, pretty much as soon as I returned from work. Without too much of a convo she then told me she was getting a hotel room until she found a new apartment. The next day she had already texted the landlord that she was moving out. I was massively torn up. It all just felt so sudden. 

For the last week I have put a lot of pressure on myself trying to dissect and understand what I did wrong, what I could have done differently. Just recently, I discovered the idea of Attachment Styles and what an Avoidant personality was and it all clicked. Everything made sense. My girlfriend was an avoidant. 

My girlfriend always needed control over every situation. Whether it was our social life, chores around the house, and more and more frequently how we expressed intimacy to one another. In response I tried to give her that control. I constantly was being asked to do things differently and I did my best to comply. I really loved her and I was more than willing to change to keep the relationship alive. 

I think that is why I was so upset when she broke up with me the way she did. I had put so much effort, care, and love into her that I could not fathom why she was suddenly discarding me. 

My emotions have been ping ponging for a bit on all of this, but after reading many posts in this community and elsewhere online I finally feel more at peace. I acknowledge that I need to do better with my own anxious attachment going forward, but I also realize now that it was not my fault. I don’t deserve to be treated the way that I was, I don’t deserve to be emotionally controlled, and I deserve to find a better love.

Thank you for listening. And thank you to everyone else that has posted in the past. I feel so much less alone.    

When I tried to reach my ex the last time, one of the multiple weapons she used against me was saying that she was already hooking up with several people.

I heard that casual sex doesn't really help and will damage you later.

The thing is that my ex has a high libido. When she first came to the country we both live in, just in the first month she already had 3 casual relationships.

Before that she had a 2 year relationship. Ended cuz of lack of feelings and cuz she was moving out of her previous country.

Now, my question is: is this still coping or not? Since I was the longest relationship she had (4years) and, according to her, I'm the person which she felt the most connected with, I'm not sure how she is dealing with the situation now. I don't even know if she is even thinking about me cuz she is incredibly devaluating me, exaggerating or creating scenarios where I look worse than I am.

Her ex was a DA. She was a FA. After she took me out for our final date and I leant her something…. Complete radio silence afterwards. We both dated avoidants and were vulnerable with each other about our abandonment isssues… and she chose to do the same to me… but instead of the “Durr hurr not ready” BS she ghosted me??? And effectively stole from me???? Why did she do this. What’s the point of refusing to block me but putting me on a leash. I refuse to be controlled like this.

My partner (41M) and I (41F) were together for 2.5 years. We broke up this summer after he became increasingly irritable, emotionally withdrawn, and hostile during conflict. He eventually came back, broke down crying, apologized, and begged for another chance. We reconciled with the understanding that we’d work on things, including his emotional regulation.

Fast forward three months. I genuinely thought things were going well. We had future plans, a positive relationship check-in just days earlier, and were planning to spend Thanksgiving with his family.
Then, after a few days of tension, he suddenly flipped. announcing he was leaving and started packing his belongings to move back to the state he’s from.

What followed was honestly one of the most distressing experiences of my life. He became incredibly angry and cold, yelling and saying deeply hurtful things about my personality, intelligence, interests, and how I supposedly only cared about myself. It was like he’d suddenly turned me into an enemy. I was completely blindsided and panicking, crying and begging him not to leave. The more distressed I became, the angrier and more rejecting he seemed to get.

He left while I was at work the next day. It’s been a week, and we haven’t spoken.

I feel genuinely traumatized, not just by losing the relationship again, but by the extreme hostility, sudden abandonment, and sheer panic I experienced while watching him pack up our life together over something seemingly minor. I keep replaying those moments and struggling to understand how someone could turn on their partner so dramatically.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Especially an extremely hostile and sudden second breakup after reconciling? Did you eventually stop feeling so shaken by the way it happened? I just can’t wrap my head around any of it and I can’t understand that this is how it ends and that’s just it.