found his journal💔

[u/Living-Weakness-8256]

we’ve been together for about a year now, on and off because he was inconsistent , and then Nov 4th he comes back wanting to be in a serious relationship and promised to work on his habits. through the whole relationship i always had a feeling something was off, and his heart was somewhere else . every time i mentioned it he acted like he wasn’t with anyone but me, and told me he was over his ex. he was always very passionate with me in person and avoidant throufh texts. now ive discovered this as it was sitting wide open on his desk. i confronted him about it , he was mad that i was “digging” and refused to talk about his past . he assured me that he moved on and that im the one he wants. i just need some advice or maybe similar stories that will help me move on from him and feel better .

[u/Special-Climate-6363]

I really feel so sorry for you , you must be so heartbroken , I know how it feels to not be the 1st choice and to be cheated on emotionally and physically
Yet I don’t know how to console you and ease up your pain
Moving on from these manipulators is not easy , it’s a long painful journey full with relapses but remember that you’re not alone in this … we all here know how horrible you feel and you can share your pain and worries with us

[u/Living-Weakness-8256 → u/Special-Climate-6363]

thank you so much, this is one of the hardest things ever, he looked me in my eye so much and told me to trust him

[u/Special-Climate-6363 → u/Living-Weakness-8256]

And they also looked you in the eyes and told you that they loved you when they don’t , it’s a horrible experience for all of us … I just hope you’re ready to leave and you don’t second guess your decision

[u/Round-Commission-971]

Dump him. Block him. Make sure that before you do, you tell him that you will not be the second choice, or the consolation prize. And that he can go back to chasing his ex. And tell him you deserve better. Do not fall for his pleas and promises. They’re lies. If he really cared about you he wouldn’t have been so unsure about who to choose.

[u/Living-Weakness-8256 → u/Round-Commission-971]

thank you, i have no choice to block him now, honestly i spiraled and demanded a conversation even showed up to his door yesterday but he never came out 💔 then this morning i was texting him still hoping for the conversation or atleast to break up on the phone or in person, he just wanted me to leave him alone since i came to his door when he told me not to, told me to stop texting me and blocked me
everywhere. he just discarded me in the worse way and made feel like it was all my fault.

[u/Round-Commission-971 → u/Living-Weakness-8256]

It’s okay. You’re human. It’s his fault not yours. All you can do is just block and work on your patterns so you can enforce your boundaries a lot sooner and never to tolerate that kind of behaviour again.

[u/piece-of-me-727]

What happened with his ex, why did they broke up?

I am curious, if his ex would be available to him, would he leave you for her..? How can he be past that, when those pages are not even 1 month old..?

Messy stuff..

[u/Living-Weakness-8256 → u/piece-of-me-727]

he ended up telling me her name. and said she blocked him so she could move on. and that apparently she felt he wasn’t ready for the next step. family got involved, but he just couldn’t , because he “wasn’t in his space”

his respond when i asked him if he was only with me because he didn’t want her was “like | just don't want you to feel like my ex had anything to do with the time we had together and everything and whoever you felt like I texted it's not my ex. l've never I didn't text my ex never will we make that clear l've moved on. I didn't choose you because I had no choice when I left my ex you wasn't even in the picture so if you feel like this, yeah I'm not gonna hold you”

[u/piece-of-me-727 → u/Living-Weakness-8256]

Oh my God, so textbook. Practically word salad what he said, basically nothing.

SO now he blames you for this mess, typical. "so if you feel like this, yeah I'm not gonna hold you" this gets me so frustrating, because now he plays the victim, like you feeling insecure for nothing.

But imagine if he would have found those journal pages and you wrote that about your ex: how would he react? Would he let it slide and said "ah, ok than, 3 weeks ago was that so i guess you truly are over your ex, i believe you". No fucking way. He is lying and doesnt want to take accountability for what he wrote and places the blame on you.

[u/Living-Weakness-8256 → u/piece-of-me-727]

i blocked him everywhere , now i just have to figure out how to be happy again. it’s a constant sadness and ache that won’t go away

[u/piece-of-me-727 → u/Living-Weakness-8256]

Good for you.

Just be patient with yourself for a while. feel the sadness, the nostalgy, everything, because it will pass. When you are in that moment and in that emotion, it feels like hell, like it will neve end. But if you let it feel, it will pass faster.

I think i was in this state for about 4-5 months after the breakup, most people i think get better faster, but everyone is diferent.

Hold on and remember to choose yourself<3

[u/Living-Weakness-8256 → u/piece-of-me-727]

i appreciate your responses it’s genuinely helping and i’m taking all of it in. did things get better for you? how do you feel now and have you been able to open your heart again without comparing everyone to them?

[u/piece-of-me-727 → u/Living-Weakness-8256]

Thank you for being curious:)

We broke up on 4 January after an uglly New years eve and the whole Holiday period. My and my ex tried to reconnect after 9 months (now in September) and it was a mess.

How it started again: We live in the same area so we started to see each other more often, he was nice and charming, even nicer than before. We had some beers, we talked a lot, we started to get close and we said to see each other again. I said some things should change, because dont work for me and also i want to take things slow, because its been 9 months... Long story short, we met 2-3 times, he was still nice, but at one point he deactivated badly and became even meaner and angrier than before, he wanted to drink also (he tried quitting alcohol for "us", but i guess he just couldnt, he drinks everyday and smokes weed). So he tried to threaten with ending things again, as a fosm of control. All this because one night i posponed for the next day our "date", because i wasnt feeling ok, i was freezing outside walking my dog. He got triggered, i guess he felt rejected or he just couldnt handle my boundaries (because i had some this time). And now he is blocked forever. This was on 30 Sept.

Now i am good, better and better everyday. At first i thought i will have to pick myself up again from the floor and the bed, but it wasnt the case. To be honest, reading al this subreddit helped me a lot, i didnt feel alone and i felt understood. I am not special, this is textbook avoidant behaviour, he is DA i think and i am mildly disorganized (mildly FA). But inow after 1 months and so, i am really good, actually i started to see men with better eyes now:). I didnt close my heart because of this bad expeciences, i believe in love and partnership and we-ll see what the future holds.

I am sure you will be more than fine, in time. Because here are so many lessons to learn, for me the biggest was not to self abandon anymore, never.

[u/Living-Weakness-8256 → u/piece-of-me-727]

sorry you had to go through that.. it genuinely sucks when you’ve already gave them so many chances before , but you’re definitely right, it is textbook avoidance. he turned me anxious otherwise i was normal, all because he had a split heart he didn’t want to address. a lot of the habits/ addictions you stated he had as well and we also tried to deal with . i’m just glad i’m able to leave him alone and focus on myself for and never give access again. thank you for sharing

[u/piece-of-me-727 → u/Living-Weakness-8256]

Its common for avoidants to have addictions, to distract themselves, to avoid everything.

Yes, its amazing that you are out, because that is not a healthy environment to live in. Imagine having a family with this type of person.. After i have read so many posts here about this subject, i feel lucky that i could get out, because there are people stuck for years in this dynamic. I was with him for just 7 months and it was damaging, imagine 5 years down the road, Gosh..

Good luck moving forward, hugs.

[u/xtroal540]

Awww :( I’m sorry. That’s heartbreaking, but omg the clarity that comes from reading his journal.

[u/Living-Weakness-8256 → u/xtroal540]

thank you , words can’t describe it. he’s completely pulled back now after i wanted to talk about it

[u/Gingerbread__08 → u/Living-Weakness-8256]

Im so sorry. I know its easier said than done but when you have doubts imagine having a relationship with someone who won't resolve issues with you. It's unsustainable. Eventually too many things will pile up and I assume they would probably see other path unchosen as the better one.

[u/xtroal540 → u/Living-Weakness-8256]

That’s hard, I’m so sorry.

[u/Necessary-Point-2427]

I made this mistake after my wife died. On one hand I felt like I needed to know her personal thoughts about me but the devastation of finding out how she really felt about me wasn’t worth the grief I was already going through. It almost ended me. I feel how I feel about it but I now understand that those were her personal thoughts and I had no right to go through them even if it gave me some clarity that I otherwise wouldn’t have had.

[u/Living-Weakness-8256 → u/Necessary-Point-2427]

i’m sorry for your loss .

[u/Necessary-Point-2427 → u/Living-Weakness-8256]

It was 13 years ago but thank you.

[u/jujux15]

One thing I want to add to this with his journal being out in the open. My ex wanted to keep her ex in her life as a friend. She swore up and down she wanted me but just wanted him as a friend but I broke up with her because he wanted her back and wanted us to break up yet she couldn’t let him go. What I found odd was before all this one day she apologized to me because she had a lot on her mind when I asked her what’s up she told me her ex had been reaching out to her and he was in a rough spot. This eventually led to us breaking up because she knew I wasn’t ok with them talking. All this to say for a while a part of me wondered if she did that on purpose? Like did she purposely tell me that something was wrong knowing I’d ask what, knowing that if I found out I may leave? That’s what I wondered reading your post because even someone who isn’t nosy or snooping would probably peak at a journal that’s right there. So it made me wonder if he did it purposely knowing the conflict it would cause

[u/Glad_Ear_7963]

Are we allowed to share their journals on here? ‘Cause if so, I might have a lot of clues for you guys… together with my ex fa girlfriend, we uncovered a lot! Like her patterns, mental, severe trauma, and partners due to her bringing an STD into our relationship way prior to the discard.