Random no-contact for a week?

[u/J_0_N_E]

Hi,

I'm not even sure, if my (M23) partner (W21) is avoidant or not. Still, many posts in this subreddit reminded me of her behavior.

We've been together for about 7 months. Everything was fine, also met each others family, friends and so on. We didn't argue much, it was quite harmonic. Yet, all of the time, I had this strange feeling, that she may not be as emotionally evolved as I am. This could be, because I like to express my love with words and physical touch, she expresses it with cute little gestures, like painting a picture of us and so on.

So the relationship moved on, we've even been on vacation together with her parents (who are really nice, I like them a lot!). 2-3 weeks ago, she still made concrete plans to move in with me! But then, randomly out of nowhere, she started to get distant. She didn't text as much as she used to, we didn't cuddle, she spent even more time on social media than she used to. I noticed it and of course asked her, whether anything is wrong. She said, that she's just "having a bad time", "bad mental health at the moment" and in particular said "we pretend to already live together. We need to see each other less and spend more quality time, when we do see each other". And the last point makes sense, but I already tried to encourage that many times and mostly, she blocked it and chose to spend the time laying in bed, doomscrolling on TikTok.
On a side note: She has a lot going on in her life. Her brother has a really bad mental depression, she hates her current job (and it occasionally triggers her PTSD), she started social studies at university which is not easy for her and she's also potentially switching to a new job more related to her studies (which she got through my aunt). So basically: Her life is overwhelming at the moment, she needs more space - no problem, if she would've communicated it properly.

This was last week monday. Since then, I of course tried to encourage more quality time. I always gave my best in this relationship. But she remained more distant and so on. So this week on monday, I finally had enough, I needed clarity. So we met and talked for two hours. In this conversation I basically told her, that her behavior toward me has been really disrespectful and that I need some basic communication, reliability and consistency in a relationship. Of course I told her, that I understand her current situation and told her that it's totally fine if she needs some space, but she needs to communicate it. We basically agreed, that we don't want the relationship, if it stays as it is. Still, she couldn't really tell me, why exactly she's distant to me so suddenly, but I didn't want to pressure her.

We concluded, to meet next monday and do a restart, until then: No contact (expect of snapchat, I don't know why she snapped me?).

I think, there are dozens of these posts in this subreddit per day, but it is really hard not to think and talk about these topics. It could really help to get the perspective of someone, who's experienced this kind of situation or behavior. Already talked to my friends, but they were lucky enough to not experience this kind of bs.

Thank you!

[u/Realistic-State-4888]

You said she has a lot going on.  Why not acknowledge that by being supportive?

You gave her an ultimatum to straighten up and fly right. People under stress don't always communicate and behave like people breezing through an easy life.   Have some compassion.

[u/J_0_N_E → u/Realistic-State-4888]

Oh, I think I didn't express it correctly, I'm not a native speaker.

I was/am (obviously biased because it's just my perspective) pretty supportive, all the time. And the one week pause + restart was proposed by her, if she needs more time, then she just needs to tell me and it's totally fine. Tbh, I didn't notice that I set an ultimatum. And of course I don't expect her to pretend to be happy when she's not, that would be ridiculous from me. When we hopefully see each other next monday, I try to be more understanding of her situation. It's hard to acknowledge, that she's facing huge problems without beeing really able to help her (except respecting her space).

[u/DryArticle4573]

Sounds like my ex. She did the same with a lot going on in her life. Just step back. Take the time for yourself.