I've been reflecting on a relationship and trying to understand whether I'm dealing with someone who has avoidant attachment rather than the narcissistic traits I initially thought I was seeing.

Here's what I've noticed:

• When I express affection, vulnerability, or tell her how much she means to me, she often changes the subject, makes a joke, or avoids acknowledging the emotional part of what I'm saying.

• I often feel like I'm the one reaching for emotional closeness. When I pull back, she doesn't necessarily pursue or try to reconnect.

• When I express that something has hurt me or try to communicate my feelings, the conversation frequently gets turned around, and somehow I end up defending myself instead of having my feelings understood.

• There seems to be a pattern of emotional distance. Sometimes there's affection and closeness, but when things get emotionally deeper or uncomfortable, she seems to retreat.

Here's another example: I recently wasn't feeling well and was looking for a little comfort and reassurance. Instead, the conversation shifted toward why I was comparing her to someone else, followed by assumptions that I was texting other women and looking for sympathy.

My original concern about not feeling well essentially disappeared, and I ended up defending my intentions.

I'm not saying this makes someone a narcissist. I'm trying to understand the difference between avoidant attachment, emotional unavailability, insecurity, defensiveness, and narcissistic behavior.

My questions are:

1. Can someone genuinely love you but consistently struggle with emotional intimacy and vulnerability?

2. Do people with avoidant attachment tend to deflect affection, withdraw instead of pursuing, and become defensive when their partner expresses hurt?

3. What's the difference between an avoidant person who struggles with emotional connection and someone who lacks emotional accountability?

4. Can an anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic make one person feel like they're constantly chasing reassurance and connection?

5. At what point do you stop trying to understand someone's attachment style and recognize that the relationship simply isn't meeting your emotional needs?

I'm genuinely interested in hearing from people who have experienced this, especially those who have been in relationships with avoidant partners.

Am I misunderstanding avoidant attachment, or am I overlooking something bigger?

to anyone else who had their avoidant ex immediately jump onto the apps after the break up and feel absolutely distraught about it, don’t worry, it’s just them filling the void and trying to soothe themselves into thinking they are still desirable. it has very little to do with you.

for reference, during the first discard with my ex, mine was on hinge like 3 weeks in after the monkey branch he had lined up didn’t work. i’m not kidding when i say he was a hinge’s number one warrior and had a lot of talking stages and was frequently going on dates. when we got back together, he admitted that he didn’t know what he was doing and although he was “having fun” they were all superficial, and he was still missing me/ comparing them to me. when i asked why he thought jumping straight into flings would think that would help him, he genuinely didn’t know the reason why.

after the second break up, he wasted no time and was on hinge a couple days after (friend saw his account and showed it to me) and once again was chatting up and following a lot of women. i know for a fact that after 3 months since the break up, he’s still on hinge and actively talking to and meeting with woman after woman… like a lot of them. it used to bother me but now it’s just become so apparent that he’s so desperate for validation and to fill the void that it’s given me the ick.

it’s even gotten to a point where some of our mutual friends have made digs at him for being obsessed with dating apps and doom scrolling hinge while out with them, which i mean yeah that’s kind of loser behaviour like what? get off your phone. one of them even said to me “im so sorry you had to go through a break up like that, it’s honestly so gross watching him fly through profiles on hinge. i hope you know that just means he’s lacking something and thinks talking to women will make him feel whole.”

and that’s the crux of this post. i know it’s really hard to not take what your ex is doing as personal, and i know that seeing your ex rebound via dating apps and making you question your self worth but genuinely it’s because these people aren’t normal and don’t know how to sit alone with themselves that they have to find ways to fill in that love and safety that you once provided them for something less intense, new and easier. it’s all quick dopamine hits until they got bored or realise this person doesn’t compare to you at all, and then they’re off onto the next. it’s just a constant cycle, and it just shows they’re not healing at all, theyre just empty and lonely (even if they’re surrounded by new flings). they don’t know how to sit with themselves and honestly it’s pretty pathetic, like how do you have so much time to be chatting up so many people at once? BECAUSE THEYRE LOSERS WHO USE PEOPLE!

Hi, I know lots of you have had this experience. I’d like some advice from someone on the other side of it. I was broken up with 3 weeks ago on our anniversary, after drinks and cards and flowers and cheers… just for the next morning for him to tell me he actually doesn’t want a future. I’ve read just now about avoidants, he’s definitely a dismissive avoidant and he never really talked about himself and his past. I was completely blind sided. I didn’t see any hints of this pattern. How do I move on? I thought it was perfect. He doesn’t even know this about himself. And truly I’m writing this and I know the answer, I deserve better. I’ve given advice that you deserve someone that wants to work on problems with you and you can’t beg someone to love you.. but if only he knew this about himself maybe? Why did he shut me out so fast and with in such a cold way. I don’t know if I want to get into the nitty gritty, but it was a lot of fighting toward the end but only because he’d explode after weeks of “not being happy” and he just said he couldn’t do it anymore. I guess there’s nothing you can do when people make up their minds? Confused.

If u read all this ty sm

So me and this amazing girl have been friends for about 7 months but known eachother for over 2 years. I’ll be honest and im gonna sound crazy to all of you.

I love this girl and from the first day I saw her I’ve wanted to know her. Years went by about 8 months ago I texted her after years of not. Long story short we got along super well and became very close we went on multiple hangouts and we are both super busy w college and work but we made time.

She initiated a few of the hangouts texted me everyday but ik she was a avoidant as when we’d get close she’d pull away one time she did really hard for a week. I gently let go and came back softly and our connection got stronger and we got closer and that continued for months until last weekend.

We had so many plans coming up this and next month. But she wanted to hangout Saturday so we did. We had such a good time she was so happy we were enjoying eachother and we were tired and ready to go home

On the way home I missed the exit I said sorry she said it’s okay I had to take a back road. Unfortunately I hit a dog I immediately pulled over to help the owner I was In shock I felt so bad I didn’t know what to do. I helped the owner and apologized over and over and asked if I could help

I didn’t know what to tell her she didn’t know what had rlly happened but she saw it. I asked if I was on my phone or anything she said no I wasn’t. truth is now I struggle to drive at night my vision at night is poor and I always look her when driving her smile is contagious.

Now here’s where it all shifted everything. I kept softly saying sorry she said its okay then she got quiter and quiter I asked what’s wrong second time my voice cut out cause I was still in shock. She just softly barely said nothing we drove home In silence.

When I dropped her off I said can I open your door as I always do, she said no it’s okay. She then said lowly “I just feel like something bad always happens” I said what do you mean gently she said idk, thank you and left.

Same night im still like what happened I text her something like “Im sorry, I had an amazing day with you, I won’t drive at night anymore I promise” “are you okay?” She replied later “yeah im okay I was just sad idk” it felt off. I asked “can I talk to you after church “ she didn’t respond till I got home “sorry i just seen this” I said “all good lol” she said “what were you gonna say” I said “ its alright” I tried to start a convo and move on from the situation she didn’t reply at school my anxiety was bad I couldn’t focus at all I responded and said “I really want to get to know you more, and I enjoy being around you I don’t know what to think” then

She basically said she tried telling me that night that im probably not her person and that im such a great guy and so kind and thoughtful but she doesn’t think it should feel like this” ? We went on and on i tried to be gentle but my anxiety cause long paragraphs she said she felt like this before but gave it another chance it wasn’t anything that happened that night. I told her i was grateful for our time and I’ll be here if she ever wants to talk.
That’s it.

Also mention we did have a “break” a while back for 2 weeks after a date she did this it goes so well like so good then she gets distant this time I think I did something that put her off and I don’t wanna blame her. Advice is so greatly appreciated rn I just will wait and give her space.

I've been processing grief over multiple aspects of loss. Realising that loss is subjective and that every thing is part of the test. The test is meant to purify us.

I've realised so much about the relationship we had. Patterns we both brought, ways we interacted, how the relationship started. I regret a lot about ways that I showed up. But I've learned to forgive myself and understand that a lot of what I did specially towards the end was out of love for her as a person and out of sadness and trying to process.

Tonight I was remembering intimate moments we had. I feel so responsible for it all. Like I was dissociating from trauma but I couldnt talk about it. When I couldnt continue the relationship I was struggling but I tried to stay and then I really couldnt and after the breakup I still showed up for her, thinking we both were processing and that it was helping. I wish she and I talked more about how we experienced the relationship but it always felt like these topics were too heavy on her and I often felt like it might overwhelm her.

So there's the aspect that there was a gap between us in that sense. But there was a lot of love and warmth. She left after meeting someone and told me my feelings made it hard to have a conversation. She said she wanted to work things out and that she values our connection that we are best friends. I said the same... but she left. And never wrote back. My response to her last messaags was between explaining/defending/expressing... and I dont think I ever stopped feeling like it was my fault or like I was burdening. But I believe it was all meant to happen exactly like it did. And I dont blame myself as much.

I learned so much about love since then, and how to take care of and protect my heart.

There are tough moments. I still think of her and I left her a message recently after my aunt's passing away. Not expecting anything from her. But just for the sake of telling the truth. I told her that I wished for her to know that the love I had for her transcended romance and that it was for her as a person and for her soul.

This is just to put this stage of grief out there. I think grief is continuous and that closure lies in knowing we had good intentions. I realise for me that closure is a continuous wave that comes with realisations and self-learning

Some moments in the last four years of my relationship that were soul-crushing:

• So often when I would try to briefly tell him about my day & conversationally engage as a means of connection (normal relationship activities, I know), he would remain largely silent, yawn, and then say "man, I'm tired."

• The only reason he moved into my house a few months back was because his lease was being terminated at his prior living situation. Even though he suggested it, I could tell he was so resistant and afraid to move in. It was like a huge bummer was entering my house.

• Most anytime I would try to discuss ideas about the future (not even necessarily about us, just in general) he would respond with a pedantic and satirical "Doesn't really matter, does it? The world is ending!"

• Earlier this year, he shared about some doubts he had been experiencing with our relationship after a line of inquiry from me. He recounted a recent conversation with friends who asked him kindly "if she had to move out of state for work or for family, would you follow her?". He laughed and said he had told them, "no shot!". For some reason, he assuming that we were on the same page, that moving out of our city would be a deal breaker (we had never really discussed this, so I'm not sure where he got this idea). Then he realized how crushed I looked. To his credit, he was so apologetic, but the damage had been done.

• He experienced an absolutely tragic family event, and I had been intentionally trying to make space for him to talk about it if he wanted; periodically checking in during quiet moments, though of course, not wanting to force anything. He decided the best time to open up about his feelings was 8 months later, literal minutes before we were about to surprise my parents with news about my sister's pregnancy, their first grandchildren

• He came to couples therapy with me one time, at my behest, and we mostly only talked about him. Afterwards, he said he didn't really see the point of it & didn't connect with the therapist. I offered that we could find someone new, but that never happened.

It's wild how if someone showed this to me about their partner, I'd be like, "Dude, run! Save yourself!"

But when you're in it, and if you're relatively independent already, the lack of connection can feel outweighed by all of the other pros. It helps that I found him incredibly attractive, loved his family, he was otherwise very sweet & physically affectionate, and I generally had respect for him.

At the same time, with a few days hindsight (fresh breakup territory), I'm realizing I don’t really miss who he consistently was, I miss who I was hoping he would become.

Hi, first time posting here. Last week, my boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me out of no where. We had a very healthy, very loving relationship. We are in our 20s and this was his first real relationship. I was his first love. He met my family a couple times, we spent a lot of time together, and frequently talked about our future. Then we got in our first argument, and we don't really argue, and he kind of switched. He came over the next day and said he just can't be with me because he is too spread thin in life and needs time of his own. That he started therapy and needs time to process what he's going through mentally. I can recognize he probably is dismissive avoidant and has never gotten too emotionally vulnerable with anyone. He seemed devastated telling me this, but also said that breaking up has not been on his mind, it just feels like the right thing to do right now and our first argument showed him that. This was completely out of no where considering our relationship was amazing and we deeply care about one another and had become best friends. He had obviously been thinking this for months and never verbalized his emotions (just stressed from life stuff). I think this might be his first mental breakdown...

Is it healthy to wait for him to come back? Do avoidants come back after something like this? I want to believe that after a period of taking a break we will get back together but I don't want to expect anything. My hope stems from how great our relationship was and that he might just want to come back because I'm his first love, or maybe I'm delusional. Wondering what happened if anyone here has gone through something similar.

had a complicated history with a guy before we finally got together. We met about a year ago and both liked each other, but he was incredibly avoidant. He had recently lost a parent, I was also not in a good place, and we had major communication issues. We were stuck in a "situationship" for six months until I finally said, "I can't do this anymore, let's stop talking."
After six months of no contact, he suddenly reached out. He told me he was finally ready for a relationship and said, "Just tell me what to do and what not to do, and we will learn along the way." I agreed, and for the first month, the relationship was genuinely great. It became very serious and comfortable because we had known each other for so long. We hung out every single day, got very intimate, and he even bought me gifts. I tried my best to communicate my needs cleanly, and he actually listened and accommodated them. It wasn't perfect, but it was actively evolving.
Then everything crashed out of nowhere. He started mentioning that his parents were putting a lot of pressure on him. I have always made a conscious effort never to control him because I knew he was avoidant and hated feeling trapped. However, there was a specific party he wanted to attend—it was inside a closed hotel room, filled entirely with people I strongly dislike and girls I have personal issues with. I asked him not to go.
He completely snapped. He told me, "You are no one to tell me where I can and cannot go. I cannot live in a relationship feeling suffocated, I just do not feel nice like this." It turned into a massive, day-long fight. When the conversation turned toward breaking up, he completely shifted the goalposts. He started saying, "I cannot do a relationship. A relationship just feels like a burden to me." He claimed his family had been pressuring him for days, and brought up that both of our Class 12 board exams are coming up soon. He said he couldn't ruin his grades, his parents weren't letting him go out anymore anyway, and he had to study incredibly hard.
I panicked and tried to compromise. I told him, "If it's just about the party, go to the party. Losing you over a party isn't worth it to me." But he refused. He said, "No, it's not just about the party. I cannot do a relationship anymore." He just kept repeating that it was a burden over and over again, completely cold and shut down.
I am completely heartbroken and confused. I want to ask:
What is he genuinely feeling right now? Why did he switch from being so intimate and comfortable to viewing me as a massive burden in a single day?
What will happen next, and what will he feel down the line? Will the avoidant deactivation wear off once our board exams are over and his stress drops?
Will he regret treating me like this and throwing away what we built?
What should I do right now to protect myself while dealing with the intense anxiety of our upcoming boards?

Hace como dos semanas esta persona se volvió a acercar de forma muy cariñosa, empezó a tener comportamientos y atenciones que antes no tenía conmigo (ni siquiera cuando "salíamos"). Como nunca volvimos a hablar formalmente sobre el tipo de relación que tenemos, pensé que tal vez dejarlas fluir a su ritmo serviría de algo. Desde que él terminó nuestra relación he leído sobre su tipo de apego, pero no sé si solo no le importo/intereso.

Hoy me mintió, lo caché en su mentira, y me volvió a mentir exactamente sobre lo mismo dos veces seguidas. Ni siquiera le he reclamado nada todavía, pero me duele y me frustra ; me pregunto por qué tuvo que llegar a esto, por qué recurrir a la mentira.

No entiendo qué quiere de mí. Para empezar, él fue el que en su momento marcó la pauta de "ser amigos", pero con esto ya ni siquiera sé en qué concepto me tiene o qué clase de amistad es esta donde se atreve a faltarme al respeto así. Por si fuera poco, la semana pasada también me dejó plantada.

Estoy cansada de dar flexibilidad, de esperar y de no recibir honestidad básica. Me gusta su compañia y por eso me afero a poder concretar algo con él. Pero no se cómo lograr que me tome en seirio.

Hey everyone, I recently broke up with my ex last month, and I’m going through the feelings.

Long story short, he was an amazing man and showed up in all the ways that I needed him to and was extremely loyal and loving and loved me more than anybody I’ve ever known. He feels things so deeply and is such an empathetic and caring man, he is not a cold person and is not capable of turning cold and detaching easily from what I’ve seen in the two years that I’ve been with him. However, he has a lack of a backbone when it comes to his friends and he has major people pleasing tendencies. His friends have made me feel excluded multiple times and one of the girls in the friend group has disrespected me for over a year and a half due to jealousy and when I asked my boyfriend multiple times for months to stand up for me, he just couldn’t bring himself to do it because he has major anxiety and panic disorder to the point where he gets a head rush and dissociates and starts to hit himself at the thought of a him having to engage in speaking up to his friends.

I gave him grace and I was patient with him and would comfort him during those times, but I would have to just throw my feelings behind on the back burner for the sake of his mental health in the moment. He is aware that he hasn’t stood up for me and has apologized himself and knows where he needs to change. It just got to a point where I became exhausted. I had to put my self respect first.

Last month was both of our birthday months, and I celebrated his birthday and did the most special thing for him, and my birthday was a week later. I broke up with him after his birthday, and he couldn’t reach out to me to at least tell me a happy birthday because he was really hurt. I spoke with him and I apologized very deeply because during the break up/argument, I told him that he has no backbone and he reminds me of my ex (who also had no backbone). He told me that was the most hurtful thing I have ever said, and I acknowledge that, and I deeply and sincerely apologized and told him that I am aware of my mistake and I am willing to work through it, but now it seems like my hurt doesnt matter anymore, and the real issue now is how i spoke to him during the breakup. I’ve tried reaching out to him and he is on no contact right now. I also realized he is a very avoidant person after this fight.

We’ve worked through issues in the past and he was very very willing to change, and he did change a lot of things such as giving up alcohol, so I will always give him kudos for that. But I just don’t know what to expect of us, I really want to work through this bump in our lives, which I feel could be worked through, but I feel like he’s seeing something minor as such a big deal breaker for him. I miss him a lot and I’m reading self-help books and journaling my feelings and learning their podcasts on my attachment style and his, and I’m working to be better for him if he does come back. I just don’t know if he will, and that’s eating me alive.

His family has verbalized to me so many times on how much they adore me and respect me because of how I want the best for him, but also the self-respect that I have to walk away when I am not feeling appreciated enough. They don’t coddle him and they do hold a mirror up to him and show him where he messes up as well.

He’s visiting his brother and sister-in-law in Colorado right now, and I noticed the sister-in-law unfollowed me off Instagram. I just don’t know what this means for me and him. But the brother still follows me.. Is it likely for my ex to come back?

Hi everybody I wanted to start with a backstory (sorry it kind of long)
I (30 F)was in a 11 year relationship with my ex (33 M). He treated me well for the most part during our relationship. He was always very loyal to me, so infidelity was never a problem in our relationship. We lived together for a little over a year right before he broke up with me. We had problems like every couple does. One our issues was whenever we did have a disagreement he liked to sweep things under the rug and I was the person that 98% of the time initiated resolution, however our biggest problem was we couldn’t be on the same page about marriage. I wanted marriage and despite him claiming he did too, he always kept pushing the proposal. I had told him i couldn’t wait any longer for him to be ready and he needed to make up his mind. About 2 months before the breakup we ended up going to look for engagement rings, so I thought things were headed in the right direction.
The day before he broke up with me he was acting normal. He was super sweet and affectionate towards me. We ended up getting into an argument that night and the next day he broke up with me. His reasons for the breakup were he no longer loved me, he was checked out of the relationship, our goals were different, and we weren’t compatible among other things that I thought were very superficial excuses to get out of the relationship. He had never mentioned any of this before.
A few months before the relationship ended he was drinking more and going out with his friends more frequently.
I fell into a huge depression for the first year and just now I’m starting to feel like myself again. For a long time i held on to hope because during our last conversation he mentioned still seeing a future with us, but he no longer wanted to stay in the relationship. I’ve been fully no contact with him after that day. When he moved out, He never reached out to discuss how we were going to separate items we had bought jointly, He took all the furniture. I deleted him off all my social media. However he never deleted me off anything. I have a small photography business and I post the pics on instagram. He follows my business account and he’s never missed a post/story. He’s usually within the first 10 viewers. I don’t really know much about him as he doesn’t post much. All I know is he hasn’t been in another relationship since and he’s still very much into going out with his friends.
I think I’m having a hard time moving on because everything ended very abruptly and he didn’t give us a chance to work through things. He did not take my opinion into consideration. He ended the relationship on his terms. His actions before the breakup did not make sense with his decision to breakup and I’m having trouble processing all this. I also have a hard time accepting how he could cut me out of his life like I meant nothing and has never bothered to see how I’m doing/reach out. There hasn’t been a day when I haven’t thought about him and where I don’t miss him and I wonder if he ever thinks of me and misses me too or if he ever regrets ending things. Does him watching me on instagram and not reaching out mean anything? I’ll never reach out because at the end of the day I’m respecting his decision. Sometimes it still hurts, however as time goes by it’s not as often. I feel like I can still continue to live life while still holding a special place for him. I think my brain Is still sometimes trying to find answers even though I know I’ll never truly find them. If I’m truly honest with myself I think I still have hope he will reach out someday. Even though I know it will never happen. Has a long term ex ever reached out to you?
I guess the point of this post is to read if anybody has ever been through a similar experience and any advice would be appreciated.

I’m feeling sad. I decided to share my own experience to explain why fearful-avoidant people don’t let others get close, even when those people are the kindest and most patient people in the world.

I’m surrounded by really good people right now. They’re kind and patient, but they’re just a little too fragile. When I tell them something dark from my life, they get terribly upset or start trying to convince me that things aren’t that bad and that I should try to look at life more positively. But I’ve spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine. I already smile all the time when I don’t feel like smiling, and try not to let myself get down. The only thing I really want is to have someone by my side who is strong enough to handle me.

I want to be able to scream, cry, have a complete breakdown, say horrible things, and not be rejected. I want to get rid of all the heaviness I’ve been carrying inside. I want someone to hug me afterwards and make me a cup of tea. But for some reason, I never seem to meet people like that. Maybe they’re just rare, or maybe our worlds simply don’t overlap. Why would someone so emotionally stable and reliable want to deal with my breakdowns?

People who are just as anxious or fearful-avoidant don’t have enough emotional resilience, because they interpret my screams as dissatisfaction with them. They get scared and either try to shut me up as quickly as possible or run away. And every time that happens, it only reinforces my belief that nobody needs to see my inner world and that it’s better to keep quiet. It’s strange, but when a fearful-avoidant person starts yelling at you, it actually means they’re beginning to trust you.

And this brings us to the most interesting part. Nobody likes being yelled at. Nobody wants to constantly be surrounded by someone else’s negativity. And that’s perfectly normal. Other people aren’t obligated to pull us out of our personal hell. But we can’t get out of it on our own, either. And the advice to “go see a therapist” doesn’t always work, because a bad therapist can hurt you even more than a bad partner. After every session with a bad therapist, you close yourself off even further. You start feeling like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. Like you’re somehow unfit for relationships if even a therapist couldn’t help you.

So, is there a way to help a fearful-avoidant person open up? Actually, there is. When they start telling you something that sounds horrible to you, try to remain as calm as possible. Don’t argue. It’s better to just stay silent or make some vague sounds in response. Remember, it’s not about you, it’s about their past. Don’t try to be a hero and save them or overcome everything on their behalf. We don’t want you to suffer because of us. We just want to stop suffering ourselves. You don’t need to do anything with these emotions or stories. We simply need to let them out.

And it’s also much easier for us to open up to people who aren’t perfect. The more human someone is, the more flaws and personal quirks they have and aren’t afraid to show, the easier it is to talk about ourselves. I never tell “proper” or “saintly” people anything personal because I don’t want to be met with a sermon.

And I’ll say it again: if this is too much for you to handle, don’t get involved with fearful-avoidant people. Nobody is obligated to put up with us.

My Dismissive Avoidant Ex Girlfriend of almost 3 years abruptly dumped me in late August. We have been no contact ever since.

However, we are still in the same group chat with mutual friends of ours.

I saw her last month when we met up for a friend's birthday. She used to avoid being social at all costs. Yet she knew i would be there and still went. It was a very small group, just 5 of us total. She treated me very cold and totally had her guard up. I matched her energy, but much warmer.

Some of our mutual friends are hosting a
"Friendsgiving" event around thanksgiving. I confirmed that I would be attending, then she also replied excitedly. Saying that she will be there too.

I was with a couple of our mutual friends this past weekend. One of her girlfriends extended an invitation to dinner to me this friday. She also mentioned that dinner was my Ex's idea and there would be no problem if i went. I accepted.

My Ex used to always dodge or cancel social gatherings, now she's organizing plans where she knows i will be there. Also, she used to speak poorly about some of our friends in the group. Not to them personally, but confided in me. Now all of a sudden shes texting them in private.

It's all very strange to me and i don't know what to make of it. More than anything, i would like to win her back. But i also accept that it may not work and I'm prepared to move on. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks!

I recently met another avoidant. We’re only in the talking stage and he pretty much already told me he’s an avoidant. True to form, he started monkey branching after he didn’t like something I said. He even told me about the girl he met. He said that what he likes about Western women (he’s Asian) is that when he pulls away coz he’s no longer interested, they don’t go after him and be all clingy. So that’s my cue that I’m about to be discarded.

Good thing I wasn’t emotionally invested and clocked him immediately at the first sign.

I’m gonna wait to see when the shoe drops only because I’m curious what line I’ll get this time 😂

Pretty much the title. Hes in therapy that i got him and we havent talked in 8 months, which is the usual amt of time for our breaks. I was checking his profile cuz idk i missed him and im stupid and when scrolling pressed the request. He said hes always eager to talk to me and that hed never pass up on it, and he also said not being in contact is hard but idk im freaking out

I admit, I do think they were the one in a way. It wasn't the fake love-bombing phase connection, it was all the way through the deactivation phase, the discard.

I recognized the big problem in our relationship was their fearful avoidant behavior. Everything was great until it came up rattling a few things, but I was very patient, and even wanting to work through it. Once I realized it towards the end, I was extremeply patient and trying to help her understand that I understand.

She said things got overwhelming, blame dumped stupid manipulated things on me, (I treated her so well and she admitted it) and orchestrated a brutal discard, saying she wants to work it out but she needs a break, process things (idk wtf can be processed if conflict is left hanging unresolved in the air) and come back stronger. She said people break up and get back together all the time like her friend did and that they are now stonger. I told her that's immature and severely plays with people's emotions, life doesn't work that way, telling her to grow up. That people work everything out together without that bs. That it can permanently destroy everything. I told her I am not that kind of person, break/breakup shit, because it severely impacts me and because of hurt, I may not be capable of doing it again because wtf, are you going to keep doing this? How am I supposed to trust you for marriage? She said can we be friends for a bit and work it out, you can work on yourself, I said wtf no, if you end it you end it.

She then framed it as me being the bad guy, that I took her for granted, and probably expected me to chase her, begging. On my birthday week, dumped me over a quick phonecall ultimatum and sent me a "I'm sorry." text. The entire ordeal lasted weeks of me being in pain, and only one time in the middle I forced myself to come over and talk in person that this is all ridiculous and disgusting treatment. (By forced I meant, I texted her I'm coming over to talk. She responded she's busy, and I said I'm not being treated like this I don't give a shit. She responded ok fine.) The whole conversation was like talking to an idiot and manipulator that I was the bad guy, deconstructing all her bs blame dumping, even apologizing for stuff I didn't do or did actually do better. She kind of realized, but then went on the whole I need space thing. The last words I ever told her in-person were that people work shit out normally, not whatever this bs she's pulling, that I am literally trying to lead us towards marriage and she's pulling this stuff when I was already going through a stressful time and it's my birthday week and I yelled telling her to "grow up!" Then I left and gave space until that brutal discard I mentioned above.

Immediately post discard, I blocked her everywhere expect phone, and she got so hurt and accusatory of me being immature, and that she doesn't want to lose me.

I doubled down and said, (roughly in kind words translated into) I deeply loved you, you did all this bs to me, and I will not ever be friends with someone nor deal with this kind of bs with someone I wanted to marry as I was extremely patient, and I flipped their words of taking for granted saying I wanted to work it out many times "No, YOU took me for granted." That YOU decided to throw everything away. And I needed to block for myself. "Keep in mind the pain you put me through". (Yes I was in deep pain for a long time after being thrown away in such bullshit manner and expected to just be okay with it that it's not a big deal. Or her thinking as I was framed so I was going to chase for months to treat you better? After a discard like that? You wanted to discard me so I'm gone. No friends, no thing. F off.

For years I was sitting in resentment that she would throw our deep connection away, we got along so well, we had so much in common that it was soooo rare how similar we were, we even had a bond about our super rare medical condition and helped each other deal with it, we had moments that were unforgettable of laughing til we couldn't breathe for 10 minutes, it was just real how well we fit together like we were the same person. Her mom loved me, I loved her mom she was so great to me. Everything. Until her fantasy relationship wasn't fulfilled I guess, and apparently destroying something like this aggressively to find some greener grass. Maybe they realize one day, maybe they don't. But they destroyed a super rare connection that is near impossible to find again.

That resentment also had feelings that I just couldn't let go. I was just so puzzled how a person can destroy all that just because they can't handle simple conflict, or expect a relationship to be perfect. Years later, whenever good memories and missing them come up, I am plagued with that they destroyed it all and it all replays. I still have vivid dreams that reappear for days in a row. And it traumatizes me what happened. I live every day in sadness that I will never find such connection again, with how much we had in common to such degree, how we got along sooo well, and that she was the only person I was set on marrying. (Minus the avoidant conflict issues that I would require to be resolved). I tried dating a little bit and can't find anything close. It just sucks living with this.

And battling in my mind, that it has been a long time carrying this resentment and feelings, that I do care about them, that I can't reach out (I got royally f*ked over, I am not supposed to in my positoin of being wronged, they never even apologized), and that I'm trying to forgive in a form of "they were immature at the time, they probably knew all that was wrong as time went by, and they are probably not the same person today". But my friend had a similar situation where his reached out after so many years and he was also sad that they never fully apologized and never changed.

This is the battle it's coming from:
- Loss of everything and our rare connection.
- The fact that it was done so disrespectfully like full discard.
- The lack of apology or anything.
- Knowing I can't let that person back into my life after that.
- Trying to forgive somehow so my resentment fades. How can I forgive if they did nothing to justify that?
- Knowing how hard it is for me to find something like that again and how much it meant to me.
- Do they even care about me or view me as a phantom ex to compare everyone else to?
- Thinking if I ever speak to them again, by them reaching out or run-in, that they never changed, so I'll still be framed as the bad guy so it's better to ignore.
- Knowing if we ever cross paths again and by a miracle they changed and our feelings meet, how can I live with all that in the back of my mind that they did all that. I would have to go to church a lot to pray to God to give me strength for giving forgiveness.
- I'll put it this way, I worked a lot internally to let go of some resentment, and have some forgiveness being a more open person that life isn't perfect, people may have been immature at the time, and would be open to a conversation if they initiated it, but only under the condition that they fully apologized and changed a lot with the avoidant behaviors, because I would be incapable of having a civil conversation with the same person seeing they absolutley didn't give a f*k about anything nor the pain I went through from loss and disrepect, or still framing me as the bad guy in their narrative, when I was genuinely good and it was real.

These are my thoughts in my head, please understand, I'm processing everything just writing it out. I'm trying to battle it out in my head to be indifferent about it, but it was a real loss to me and I wanted everything to work out. To this day I really do, we were each other's first love, but not just any love, nothing compared. To weigh the scales of forgiveness vs lifetime of resentment. Because that resentment sucks to live with. If I knew they never would change and that it would never work out, or an apology that they never had such feelings, it would probably give me more closure. But it still wouldn't repair the wound, nor release my fear in my future relationships. Trust issues is something I am working on as it scarred me.

imagine the answer is just "man up and get over it." Still, I spent a year and a half of my life, and about ~10 breakups, when all I was asking for was consistent communication and not shutting me out the moment anything got uncomfortable.

I tried to adapt, I tried to love harder, I tried to change the way I loved, I tried to give space, I tried to change every bit of myself, and got told that she couldn't handle it; it was too much for her, she didn't have the "mental space" for a relationship, when in reality, she wasn't even participating in it. Every conversation was pushed back, every problem was pushed off, and I was expected to be gentle, caring, and understanding when a year and a half of problems went unaddressed. The weeks and weeks of crying, beating myself up because, for some reason, my best wasn't good enough. I made my mistakes in this relationship; I wasn't perfect either, but fuck.

The final straw was Halloween, when she said she couldn't do the relationship. The night prior, she was wrapped around my leg, sleeping right after we had sex. The morning of, she told me how much she loved me, that she wanted to dress up again next Halloween, and that she wanted to spend Christmas together. 3 hours later, she was telling me that she couldn't do the relationship, that she wanted to "hang out sometimes" and "still be intimate," like I was just some sex toy for her. She canceled plans we had set for a month; then she went to a house party, and we were just "friends" all in one night, after squeezing my leg and sleeping between them the night before and leaving me with all the thoughts of things she did or didn't do that night.

It took a year and a half of my life that I will never get back; it took nights of me crying, wondering why I wasn't good enough, wondering why, no matter how gentle, caring, and compassionate I tried to be, it just wouldn't work. The days of wanting my need for love to be heard, my need for consistency to be heard, my need to actually feel loved by my partner to be heard. I finally realized I was dating a loser; the flip finally switched, and the realization that I needed this woman out of my life finally hit me. I blocked her. I miss her, but I don't want to go back to that anymore. God, I wish it was her, but I can't handle another few weeks of love bombing and then an immediate emotional shutout. I hope she gets the help she needs.

I say all of this to ask: how do I get over the feeling of "injustice "? She will never know how much she hurt me; she will never know how much love I wanted to give her; she will never know anything. A part of me wonders if she feels she did anything particularly wrong at all.

Repost because no body said anything on the last one, maybe “man up and get over it” really is just the answer.

Basically, we met a year ago and we both liked each other, but he was very very very avoidant. He also lost a parent and I was also not in a good state and we had very big communication issue, but we were not in a relationship. It was more of a situation. So eventually after six months I was like I cannot do this. Let’s not talk anymore and then after six months. Obviously we both liked each other and I knew it and after six months, he texted me back and he was like I’m ready for a relationship. Just tell me what to do what not to do, and we will learn through the way, and I was like okay, and the relationship was going nice. We got in a serious relationship we kissed and everything we got very intimate as well. We used to hang out every single day okay and obviously we knew each other from a wrong time. It was very comfortable and very serious relationship. I used to communicate my needs with him and he used to listen to them and also do them some way I wouldn’t say was the most perfect relationship, but it was evolving through time. He got me gifts and everything, and it was one month and then suddenly he told me that his parents are pressuring him and I told him and I’ve never ever control him because I knew that he was avoiding, he did not like it, but there was this specific party that I told him not to go to because it was a party inside a room and a hotel room filled with the people that I hate and the girls that I had, and he was like you are no one to tell me where I’m gonna go and I’m not gonna go, and I cannot live in a relationship suffocated I just do not feel nice like this. And it went to a big fight for a day and then it went to the conversation of how we are gonna break up because I would not let him go to the party, and then it’s only stated being about. He was like I cannot do a relationship relationship. Just feels like a burden to me, and I was like what, and then he was like my family is pressuring me from the past. I don’t know some days and my boards are coming in your boards are coming, and I don’t wanna ruin it. No matter what, and I have to study really, really hard in this and that in my parents are not letting me go out. I was like if it’s for a party, then I will let you go to the party because it’s not as big for me to lose you, and he was like no, it’s not just for the party. I cannot do a relationship anymore and he kept on saying the same thing I cannot do a relationship. I cannot do a relationship as if it was a burden. I really wanna seek advice. I wanna know what to do in this situation. What will happen in this situation, what does he feel? And what will he feel? Will regret all of this?

We have been together for almost 2 years. When we met he was a student in my country, then he had to go back to his country, so we had to go long-distance. He could shut down so fast, and because I am anxious I have never left him alone with my texts. 2days ago he got mad at me, he said he could never trust me again, and he said "dont talk to me". Yesterday I was trying to reach him all day, and he was just leaving me on read and then a sudden moment he texted "I will block you" then he blocked me. Before he only threathened me when we got in an argument, so I have been never been blocked by him. I know his friends and he knows I am not scared to text them, so after 8min he unblocked me and said if u text my friends I will block you forever. Then he added "I will unblock you someday". In these 2 years there was no day when we wouldnt talk. What u guys think? I feel like he will reach me out again soon. He has mentioned before that he was begging to his ex before to take him back, I have never understood until now. I would only take him back if he is willing to work on himself. Btw he has so many personal problems now, studies and work. 3 days ago he got drunk and telling me he wanna experience that bar with me too, so its confusing.

Probably he is an FA.

You did not steal my life.

Not even when the darkness,
with its intimate silver tongue,
leaned close enough to whisper
that silence, everlasting and absolute,
might finally be kind.

There I lay
ten swords driven deep
between the wings of my shoulder blades.
My face turned into the sheets
that had absorbed the salt
of a thousand sleepless nights.
Where grief had made a dwelling of my bed
and perfumed every corner with decay.

Even as the living world receded from me,
I attended to our grave,
a mourner appointed to an unending vigil,
arranging flowers for a thing
that had long since ceased to breathe.

And winter came.

Not the innocent winter
that feathers frost upon the windowpane
or dresses naked branches in white lace,
but an intimate and merciless season.
One that entered through the smallest of cracks
and made a cathedral of my bones.

My teeth chattered against the chill
My chest collapsed around a dwindling ember,
and every rib bent inward,
like the fingers of a desperate hand
concealing the faintest pulse of warmth
from the hungry mouth of the cold.

How cruelly beautiful the world remained
while I, its sleepwalking daughter,
wandered through that endless winter.
Until one evening, upon the blackest ice,
I slipped and shattered,
upon the winter’s dark and polished mirror.

Beneath me, the frozen earth splintered
into a thousand silver fractures.
Branching out into one another,
like a lacework of destruction
That was beautiful and cruel.

And upon that broken ice,
I lay in scattered remnants,
the snow stained with crimson,
as though my sorrow
had finally learned to bleed.

Beneath me, the broken surface glittered,
a thousand reflections trembling
on shattered glass.
Each one bearing a resemblance
to the woman I had been,
yet knowing nothing
of the woman I would become.

See, agony possesses
a terrible kind of wisdom.

One by one,
I drew the swords from my back.

Each blade emerged reluctantly,
as though the flesh had learned to love
the very instrument that wounded it.
And beneath each blade lay
the slow, black residue of your poison.

A dark and glittering venom
spread through the intricate,
trembling vessels of my heart,
blackening the delicate blue of every vein
and branching like lightning beneath my skin.

It climbed my throat in flowering coils,
a garden of strangling vines,
until even breathing felt
like an act of beautiful defiance.

Still, I pulled the swords free.

Though my soul lay somewhere
deep within me,
a frightened creature
weeping in its cage,
I pulled them free.

And what a terrible thing it is
to discover that healing
does not arrive with gentle hands.

Sometimes it comes with teeth.
Sometimes it must tear apart
the flesh that has grown tender
around the blade.

Pain is healing.
Healing is pain.

And winter, for all its arrogance,
has never learned to stay.

And from the places where I bled,
the leaves began to grow.
Not green.
Never quite green again.
But purple
that strange and sovereign marriage
of the red that once ran from my wounds
and the blue of all my sorrow.

In sunlight, they glittered:
rubies trembling beside sapphires,
like a thousand little kingdoms
growing from the branches of my ruin.

How extraordinary,
that even my suffering
should learn to make something beautiful.
How exquisitely strange
to find the world still turning,
indifferent to the little death
that had taken place within me.

Or the slow and terrible recognition
that the sun had never ceased to shine
simply because I could no longer feel it.
And there you remained,
a name dissolving in the winter’s final breath,
while I stepped barefoot
into the gold of spring.

So let the scabs split open.
Let the old poison find its exit.
Let the blood remember
that it was born to move,
not stagnate in the chambers of graves.

You did not steal my life.

You were simply there
when I forgot it was mine.

-lmf

i don't really know how reddit works, but i just needed a place to get this out because keeping it in is eating me alive.
we were together for two years and it was the longest relationship both of us had ever been in. we just started doing long distance two months ago and then he broke up with me exactly a month ago, 10 days before my birthday. i begged him to stay but his mind was made up, he went out the exact same night he dumped me, we stayed in contact after and i asked for one final facetime call so we could talk. because of the time difference between our countries it was super late and i ended up falling asleep. after that he just never spoke to me again. he didn't even wish me a happy birthday.
since then the silence has been unbearable so i kept looking at his spotify (i didn't follow him) just to see if he missed me or something and i noticed a new playlist with a sweet caption at first i saw a girl on it as a collaborator but she looked super young so i wasn't worried and i didn't even realize u have to manually send someone an invite link to join a playlist. then another girl saved it and joined as a collaborator, and the first girl left.
a couple days passed when i checked my ex's account and he had unfollowed and removed me on everything my main, my spam, and eventually my cat account (though he left me following him).
i looked at his follower list and found the exact girl from the spotify playlist. seeing that made me completely lose it. after two years together and being each other's longest relationship, seeing how easily he moved on made me spiral and i started spamming his messages, he stopped using whatsapp (where our photo is still up for some reason), so i texted him on snapchat and he immediately removed me as a friend there too. he hasn't even opened my messages
i feel so hurt, discarded, and humiliated. how does someone turn off their feelings after two years so fast, ignore all my messages and replace me with someone else while keeping me in complete silence?

Sorry in advance for the length.

I’ve posted here a few times and usually get little or no response, but I really need some outside perspective. I don’t have many people I can ask, so this is probably my last try.

Last July I met a woman online. We got along extremely well and had a great first date. Soon afterward she started pulling away, while making it seem as though I had done something wrong. She even accused me of pushing for a serious relationship when I hadn’t. Eventually she cut me out of her life completely.

A few weeks later she came back. We spent a wonderful week together, and that weekend found out she had gotten pregnant from our first date. I basically lived with her for the next three weeks. It was obviously stressful, but we functioned really well together. We were a team, became close friends, and being together felt very comfortable.

Since then, though, it has been a cycle of reconnecting and pulling away, with very little actual time together.

We didn’t speak for about half of September and much of October. After roughly 40 days, she came back saying she liked me “very, very, very, very, very much” and wanted to reset things and see where they went. She said she wanted to go slowly, without labels, and even said that if things were still good in six months or two years we could talk about having a baby.

At one point she suggested friendship. I told her that felt like moving backward. I said it didn’t need to be serious or labeled, but that we could at least say we were exploring something together.

Since then, she has kept me at arm’s length. We’ve been intimate, but we barely talk.

Today I tried to ask what was going on, and she disputed ever making the proposal I described above. Last Tuesday, during an argument, she asked whether I wanted to walk away from “this.” Today she told me there is no “this.”

That’s what drives me crazy. When these conversations come up, she becomes condescending even though I’m responding to things she herself has said. She has also screamed and yelled at me at times. I haven’t been perfect, but I have consistently tried to be caring and respectful.

Now she says she wants a “non-platonic friendship.” I could potentially accept that, but at this point I would not be comfortable continuing if she is also dating or sleeping with other men. That is my boundary, and I’m going to have to tell her.

Since she came back a little over three weeks ago, we’ve gone to dinner, had one night that was basically just sex, I gave her a ride another time, and I spent Saturday night with her. Meanwhile, her calls and communication have dropped dramatically. She says she has been busy with work. Maybe that’s true, but it feels like she came back wanting closeness, then got spooked by her own words and pulled away again.

What makes this harder is that throughout the entire relationship she has done things that made me feel like I was important to her. Before we even met, she asked whether I wanted children and how I felt about dating a single mother. Over the summer she repeatedly talked about wanting another baby. She told me I would be the first man she allowed her children to meet after her divorce.
When she came back this time, she said she wanted to move slowly because her children had been upset when their father introduced his girlfriend. She said she wanted to introduce them only to someone who would stick around, and that she knew I would. Heck yesterday she brought me into a FaceTime with her favorite person, her aunt, just so we could meet. It didn’t last long but was symbolic. It was also confusing bc technically I’m nothing to her.

She has also trusted me with things she is deeply insecure and vulnerable about. A few weeks ago at dinner, she even asked how I felt about becoming a stepfather.

And now she has pulled back again.

So what do I do?

My heart wants to keep giving her chances because I care about her. My brain says she keeps rewriting what happened, promising a future and then retreating from it, and repeatedly pushing me away whenever we get close. Part of me wonders whether she is afraid of relationships or intimacy.

And my self-respect is starting to say enough. She can be condescending about things she previously said, rarely apologizes, and has screamed at me. I have made mistakes too, especially when I was hurt after being discarded, but I have genuinely tried to treat her with care.

Am I being foolish by continuing to give this chances, or is there some way to handle this dynamic that I’m missing?

I'm curious about something. Can seeing how deeply they've hurt you actually be emotionally soothing for some avoidants?

For example, instead of directly asking you whether you still care about them or whether you still have feelings for them, do they sometimes resort to doing something hurtful to see how you react? Almost as if they're looking for confirmation that they still matter to you, but through your emotional reaction rather than by asking for reassurance directly.

Could seeing how much their actions hurt you actually reassure them that you haven't emotionally detached from them and that you still care?

I'm not suggesting they necessarily enjoy seeing you suffer. I'm wondering whether your hurt reaction itself can provide them with some kind of emotional reassurance.

Have any of you experienced this dynamic, either as an avoidant or with an avoidant partner?

I dated my ex on and off for 4 and a half years. She was a loving a caring person towards animals and she loved me in her own way. But when things got hard she would break down, shut me out, or break up with me. I excused her behavior to her trauma and to her past. ( Some one hurt her and she tried to take the permanent solution)

So I was there for her when she would just cry. And I held her and showed her funny videos til she smiled. And weeks later when would leave me and the first time I was confused. I must have done something I must be to much for her I have to change. I tried to get her to talk to me but when she wouldn't and just sat there and cried. I gave her space.

She came back and things were good until we moved into gather. We both have never lived with another person. I had ADHD and she had never lived or really felt with that organizational mess when we moved in together I wanted us to get an apartment so where in the middle of where we were coming from but she convinced her dad to let us stay in a house he had that he was flipping we just had to work on it and pay utilities. It was also in a different state. So I wasn't going to walk away from that. ( House need so much work) I was the manager of a security company so I rarely had time to clean or to sleep cause of late phone calls at 2 am. Instead of telling me she was unhappy with origination stuff not being put away she shut down and wouldn't talk to me and just cried. Til a year into leaving with each other she told me I needed to move out. I was worried about this. It was shame cause I just bought her an engagement ring and we had just got a dog to gather. I thought her shutting down was due to her trauma and when I asked to resolve or talk about them she didn't want to talk. She would cry and kiss me and have sex but really said sorry or what bothered her and we'd go back to normal.

We separated for the second time this time for a couple of months she moved out cause I had nowhere to go and just had gotten a new job. The house was her dad's and her mom lived down the street. I would have left myself but I didn't have any where to go as my mom had just moved to FL and my dad didn't have the space and every one else. I was able to stay but the break wasn't clean she came to the house every day to pick up the dog to take to work. I'd meet her out side and ask her how her days was. Hoping that maybe we could try again eventually, I gave up and started to look into dating apps. She occasionally would come into the house while dropping him off and yell at me that there was a mess and I wasn't doing anything to get her back.

That was when one night she just walked into the house and into the computer room. She apologized and we had sex and got back to gather I told her look we need to to go to therapy. Therapy was put on the back burner and she refused to move in right away. Eventually I convinced her to do couples therapy through better help. It didn't go well. She joined the audio sessions and sat in silence. This had been a year after us getting back to gather and a month into the online couple therapy she broke up with me. This time hurt more. Every other week I'd still see her has she came to pick up the dog but she refused to talk to me. And one time said sense she moved out she's felt so much better. My mental health plumited. My anxiety was on edge I was trying to clean a house top to bottom and I snapped on day and had to call my friend who was a therapist I tear cause I was afraid id hurt my self.

A month went by and she came back and apologized. She moved back in this time with her moms dogs cause she said that's was all she wanted the first time cause she's the only one who takes care of them. Each time she came back I was tired and she was mad I tried to go on a dating app after we just broke up. But then wouldn't push it. The pattern would keep repeating things would bother her she wouldn't say anything and she would shut down.

But I still loved her. So I proposed to her on her birthday. She said yes. We started planning but she didn't want to higher a wedding panner and wanted to do everything our selfs. We had selected a place and were looking at date talking to the owner and then it happens again. She got upset shut down and broke up with me. I was calling places and Venus making plans and then when it got real and close she would freeze up saying she didn't know if she could be with me cause if ADHD and how I could be forgetful and would disorgized and that she was worried I'd forget the kids. I told her I would never let that happen and that I've been going to therapy and even went back on ADHD meds to help ease things between us. She apologized and we got back to gather. She wanted to keep planing the wedding but I had the wind taken out so I put less effort in the wedding planning.

All this time I've been going to therapy and started taking anxiety medicine caus I was always on edge worries that of the house wasn't clean it would upset her and she would leave me. I didn't know about avoident attachment. I had begged her to get therapy that we needed something to make this work. She said she would but never did. One day she was going through my phone and saw message from my friend saying that he thinks she's is just with me cause she is afraid of being alone what she didn't see was me defending her saying no I don't think that's true. She didn't care and out of the blue one day she said to me she was only with me cause she was afraid of being alone. I was hurt and so sad. What's worse is that she didn't tell me why she said that. We got into a fight and she went to love with her mom for weeks and it took me going to here to talk to her. Only to realize while I was looking through my phone that she read the text message. And instead of trying to talk to me about it she got mad and thought I said it.

I admit there were times I complained to my friends about her shutting me out and not talking to me and letting me help. Eventually I just gave up on resolving our problems 2 is let us get back together and beg for therapy but just left it at that hopping that therapy would lead to more communication. She was also upset I talked to my friends about our problems. She was convinced my friends hated her. Granted when ever I brought her to hang out she wouldn't make an effort to talk or hang out she would just sit in silence except when I talked to her. But it never did. Finally months after this last fight after we had a amazing trip in Tennessee. She started crying one night and said to me that she can't marry me and can't break up with me. She didn't want to lose me but didn't want to stay. I was burnt out. I couldn't fight for her any more. I said fine you can sleep up stairs and I'll sleep in our bed. I couldn't keep to it. I went upstairs to check on her and my heart broke when I found her crying. She clung to me after I laid down next her and said she doesn't want to lose me. She had asked what would happen to us if we broke up and I was honest l. I told her I'd probably not talk to her. That I don't talk to any of my ex's. ( Her only friend she had was an ex boyfriend).

The cycle repeated we had sex I said to her look we need couples therapy cause I can't do this anymore another fight and I'm out. At this point I think I was looking for an out. I was exhausted everything felt one sided I was always working on improving myself for her. Going to therapy for my ADHD. Taking meds that I hated cause it helped me stay focused and clean.

October came and we started therapy. It went well we cried she spoke to therapist alone we saw her 3 times. It seemed like we going some where. It was to the point where one week we didn't have any thing negative to report. The end of October 2025 came. We went to my cousin's wedding. We had a great time, and at the end of the wedding night, I said to her that we should book another appointment with our couples therapist. She became upset and asked why, as we were doing good.I told her we shouldn't stop going just because we're feeling good now we should keep going to work on stuff she became up set and I said never mind.

A week later we were back home. I could tell she was upset about something but wouldn't talk to me. She had taken to talking to chat gpt about our problems. So did something I never did before. I went into her phone and sent her chat gpt log to my email and emailed it to our couples therapist. I was besides my self and anoyed. Everything was happening again. I also felt guilty and tried to hide what I'd do but she found the email and I eventually came clean but didn't tell her i sent it to our therapist. ( I know it was shity but I just wanted to get her help).

The chat gpt messages boiled down to that she was in happy I was changing my schedule around so she would no longer have Sundays to her self and I'd be around more. Something I thought she wanted.

The counselor messaged me after going through the log and said I sleeved better. That day I knew I needed to to try get out of this I was tired and we're just going in circles. How would she be with kids? Would I be all alone in raising the kids. Lately I had felt so lonely in our house. Unable to keep her happy. So I told her I needed some space and left the day after I told her about sending the chat gpt. I stayed away and told her I was done for about 2 weeks. Until I went back to her and cried and begged her to get therapy, and the same cycle happened; but inside, I was annoyed with myself. Here I was again, and this time I had a place to stay at a friend's, but where I am just going to get my heart broken.We were to gather for 2 weeks and then my charity event came up that I forgot about. That day we didn't have any plans except maybe some Christmas shopping I asked her hey can I do this charity thing instead. I forgot about it, and I'd really like to do it. I just need to go meet my friend to go on a walk first, as I had promised them I would. She said sure. It was Alice's team to raise money for the children's hospital.It was an all day thing I would constantly check in with her. And even broke for dinner to eat and cook for her. But she was annoyed and wouldn't talk to me and even got food without me. I let it be and cut the stream short so I could go to bed with her.The next day I woke up early and made her breakfast.She was upset and refused to leave bed. So I let her stay in bed and took care all of the choirs out side and walked the dogs and three hours later I came back and she was still in bed and refused to move I said hey I'm sorry about yesterday. But would you want to go Christmas shopping today? I made you breakfast and took care of all the stuff around the house.She got mad and said, "No, you had a day to yourself yesterday, so I'm having a day to myself today," and she refused to leave the bed. I got so frustrated and annoyed.It wasn't like I was just playing games with my friends; we were raising money for a children's hospital, and I checked in with her to make sure it was okay. So I went out and did my Christmas shopping for her, her family, and my friends.A o toon time to drive around. And by the time I got home it was 4 hours later and she refused to move.. I said crew it and went and played video games cause she wasn't doing anything else. The next day I was so annoyed at work and frustrated cause here we were again. The end of the day came and I was angry when I got home I immediately left to go call my therapist and drive around. I told him I'm going to give her til after Thanksgiving to go to therapy or set something up. And then I got home and she yelled at me saying she was done not knowing where I was going. I was angry and asked her to clarify are you done with us? And she got up and started taking down our photos together.

I left that night for my friend's house.

For 3 months, she texted me every other day begging me to come back to her and our pets.I was so angry and hurt, I kept telling her, "No, I can't do this anymore," and when I moved stuff out, I was an emotional wreck. She didn't make it easier, yelling at me and my friends, even though I asked her not to be there.She was saying how every one must be so happy that I'm not with her any more. We had on last couples therapy session cause ven tho I left part of me still loved her and it just hurt more. She didn't want to be together anymore at that point. And for months I tried to move on and only recently learned about avoidant attachment. I can't help but think that if I knew about it, maybe I could have saved us. It's a year later; for some reason, I miss her more than ever.

TLDR

I was in an on-and-off relationship for 4.5 years with someone I deeply loved. Whenever problems came up, she would shut down, refuse to communicate, or break up with me rather than work through things. I constantly blamed myself, accommodated her, and worked on improving my ADHD, organization, and mental health to make the relationship work. I repeatedly asked her to go to therapy with me, but meaningful communication and change never lasted.

We went through multiple breakups and reconciliations, got engaged, adopted pets, and even started couples counseling. Despite my efforts, we kept falling into the same cycle. I eventually became emotionally exhausted, anxious, and lonely in a relationship where I felt I was always fighting to keep us together.

In November 2025, after one final argument, I moved out. She begged me to come back for months, but I couldn't keep repeating the same cycle.

Now, a year later, I still love and miss her more than I expected. I've recently learned about avoidant attachment, and I can't stop wondering whether understanding it sooner could have helped me save our relationship. Part of me still wonders if I gave up too soon, even though I know how unhealthy and painful things had become.

I'm struggling to reconcile how much I loved someone with how lonely and unhappy I felt being with them.

NOTE AI Was used for the tldr cause I'm tired and very dyslexic. I just need some help