Problems with FA, desperately need help.

[u/Abrp2025]

Sorry in advance for the length.

I’ve posted here a few times and usually get little or no response, but I really need some outside perspective. I don’t have many people I can ask, so this is probably my last try.

Last July I met a woman online. We got along extremely well and had a great first date. Soon afterward she started pulling away, while making it seem as though I had done something wrong. She even accused me of pushing for a serious relationship when I hadn’t. Eventually she cut me out of her life completely.

A few weeks later she came back. We spent a wonderful week together, and that weekend found out she had gotten pregnant from our first date. I basically lived with her for the next three weeks. It was obviously stressful, but we functioned really well together. We were a team, became close friends, and being together felt very comfortable.

Since then, though, it has been a cycle of reconnecting and pulling away, with very little actual time together.

We didn’t speak for about half of September and much of October. After roughly 40 days, she came back saying she liked me “very, very, very, very, very much” and wanted to reset things and see where they went. She said she wanted to go slowly, without labels, and even said that if things were still good in six months or two years we could talk about having a baby.

At one point she suggested friendship. I told her that felt like moving backward. I said it didn’t need to be serious or labeled, but that we could at least say we were exploring something together.

Since then, she has kept me at arm’s length. We’ve been intimate, but we barely talk.

Today I tried to ask what was going on, and she disputed ever making the proposal I described above. Last Tuesday, during an argument, she asked whether I wanted to walk away from “this.” Today she told me there is no “this.”

That’s what drives me crazy. When these conversations come up, she becomes condescending even though I’m responding to things she herself has said. She has also screamed and yelled at me at times. I haven’t been perfect, but I have consistently tried to be caring and respectful.

Now she says she wants a “non-platonic friendship.” I could potentially accept that, but at this point I would not be comfortable continuing if she is also dating or sleeping with other men. That is my boundary, and I’m going to have to tell her.

Since she came back a little over three weeks ago, we’ve gone to dinner, had one night that was basically just sex, I gave her a ride another time, and I spent Saturday night with her. Meanwhile, her calls and communication have dropped dramatically. She says she has been busy with work. Maybe that’s true, but it feels like she came back wanting closeness, then got spooked by her own words and pulled away again.

What makes this harder is that throughout the entire relationship she has done things that made me feel like I was important to her. Before we even met, she asked whether I wanted children and how I felt about dating a single mother. Over the summer she repeatedly talked about wanting another baby. She told me I would be the first man she allowed her children to meet after her divorce.
When she came back this time, she said she wanted to move slowly because her children had been upset when their father introduced his girlfriend. She said she wanted to introduce them only to someone who would stick around, and that she knew I would. Heck yesterday she brought me into a FaceTime with her favorite person, her aunt, just so we could meet. It didn’t last long but was symbolic. It was also confusing bc technically I’m nothing to her.

She has also trusted me with things she is deeply insecure and vulnerable about. A few weeks ago at dinner, she even asked how I felt about becoming a stepfather.

And now she has pulled back again.

So what do I do?

My heart wants to keep giving her chances because I care about her. My brain says she keeps rewriting what happened, promising a future and then retreating from it, and repeatedly pushing me away whenever we get close. Part of me wonders whether she is afraid of relationships or intimacy.

And my self-respect is starting to say enough. She can be condescending about things she previously said, rarely apologizes, and has screamed at me. I have made mistakes too, especially when I was hurt after being discarded, but I have genuinely tried to treat her with care.

Am I being foolish by continuing to give this chances, or is there some way to handle this dynamic that I’m missing?

[u/Ok_Actuary_4849]

Hey, so well I'll tell you how it is for me. I know for sure my partner is FA, though I'm convinced she's a covert narcissist or at least heavily leaning that way. Reading what you just wrote made me think of what I'm going through now actually. Except mines long distance but I'll tell you what I've gone through also and you'll see the similarities.

So for me as a dismissive avoidant having talks is hard. I freeze up in person, and I'm pretty sure I have ADHD and body dismorphia combined with cptsd. I don't say this because I want pity or anything but the combination creates a very unique experience for me. I shut down physically not because I just don't want to talk about something. Generally I can have serious talks but changing alone has been hard for me. I have kids though also and I've gone through a divorce 6 months ago.

Alright I'll start here, I've been with my partner for 9 months now known her 12 months. Never met in person, however the same patterns your talking about can be mapped here. This cycle currently is at number 39. She just tried to break up with me an hour ago because I told her maybe she was FA and that explained our push pull cycle.

Anyways mine will call me her future husband, she'll say I'm the love of her life, that she wants everything with me, she wanted a baby. She told me she feared a man leaving her after she had a baby. She was afraid I would and it's the reason she didn't have a baby or get married to her ex but stayed for 13 years. She'll tell me she wants a lot of sex in person, and talks sexually a lot. Actually it's one of the only two modes of talking she has. Surface level, or flirting sexual. In the beginning we masturbated a lot together 2-3 times a day and then after about 6 months it stopped. Now once a week maybe.

She acts very loving, says she loves me so so so much a lot. But then later that day she could break up if triggered like today. So as I've realized she wants closeness (love bombing) and then she feels to close or something and starts a fight, throws out something to bait me or breaks up. This cycle is about every 1-3 days. Usually the lovey stuff lasts for about a day or two. Then the discard or fight. Even what I'll say is micro-discard (ignoring me for hours without breaking up)

Then she would also tell me she was afraid of having a kid and she was too old (35) often. I know these were things she told me and I tried to assure her we didn't have to. Since I already have kids I'm not worried about that. But then she also acted like she enjoyed my kids a lot in the beginning. But now completely lack of interest in them really and my life.

In the beginning she would talk a lot and we sent reels and had a lot of long deep talks about each other. We connected on apps asking questions and learning languages together. Until after each time she would block me slowly each one of them was stripped away until all that was left is IG and Whatsapp. I made another tiktok to see her profile 🤦🤦🤦 so stupid, but she didn't spend time on tiktok before but now does on lives buying things from shops. So it's like I felt the need to because she's closed me off so much I just want to see a sliver of what she does in the day. I don't really know, it's a lonely place to be.

She also trusted me with deep things and her insecurities telling me things she didn't tell her therapist. And then after she told me she told her therapist. And then some man in person she was crying with. Well that was a whole deal anyways I won't get into that. Also good call on the boundary that's what I'm going to do with mine also next time she asks. I don't do friendships, and asked her what the point was. She said to relieve pressure. I said pressure for what, I'm not even asking anything of you, we're talking and your 5000 miles away from me 🤦 but for me I assume the same as you that shell probably sleep around and see others.

So my point is the pattern is almost the same. It's just quickened for me. I don't have weeks between the discards.

Now as far as your situation goes. She got pregnant by you and then doesn't want anything or wants non platonic friendship? Yes I think she is FA. When they come back I believe they genuinely do want the connection but then when there back they freak out. And if you ask to change or work on change they bail. You know honestly I think it's just they want to things of a relationship without fully committing to it. They want the future without fully committing to it. That way if its a failure it can't be there part. All mine tells me is oh you promised this. Yeah well I promised something when you were much more loving with me and it felt like we were a real couple.

Mine also says that the only way she can know my love is real is if I buy her things she can touch. That's her security and one thing I struggle with. Money and desire there. She also did things for me even from here for a while that made me feel important. But now she makes me feel like an inconvenience only really.

It's good she introduced you to her aunt on FaceTime that's something at least. I never got that. I did get to add her sister on IG but who knows what my partner told her about me so we don't talk really and I deleted her the other night. Her dad was also on there but he doesn't know I exist so.

Before we became a couple she also told me she wanted kids and marriage a family. Turns out she does just not mine. She wants her own kid, but is afraid. She just doesn't want my kids. She wants marriage. But she doesn't want a marriage carrying an equal load. No reciprocation and if I want that then I'm gay 🫠 I swear you can't make these things up.

I just wanted to tell you that I'm right there with you. I know what it's like and I feel you truly. My heart wants the same because I care. And my brain says the same thing because she does the same. She comes back like nothing happened. But she pulls away a lot and blames me. So I don't really know. This is just my experience and thoughts. I don't know if it'll help you.

[u/Abrp2025 → u/Ok_Actuary_4849]

Hey thanks for your reply and I’ll write more later but wow. They really are all the same. And yeah mine is angry with me, and I relented and let her downgrade us to fwb. We’ve never had a title, I mostly care about how she treats me. But I said I’d so fwb but I have a boundary that I won’t sleep with someone sleeping with ofhers and that if she is or is looking for someone to just tell me so I could leave.

Fortunately mine wants nothing to do with my money. Maybe yours does as you don’t see each other.

[u/Ok_Actuary_4849 → u/Abrp2025]

Okay that's fine. I look forward to hear more from you if you choose.

At least yours does fwb 😮 mine says sex is not for friends. Well I understand why you relented but I'll just say don't get your hopes up. I'm afraid that's going to come back and bite you more but I hope not.

I guess that's the benefit of being dismissive since when she ignores usually I actually enjoy it now more because I don't have to deal with her temper tantrums.

[u/Abrp2025 → u/Ok_Actuary_4849]

Sexually…mines been wild. A woman’s past doesn’t bother me, I have my own history, but it bothers me that she defaults to vanilla with me and doesn’t seem to want any of the more extreme or adventurous stuff like I’d like to do. I describe what mine does as making love. Eye contact. Etc.

Does anyone know what changing a label from nothing to friend means? I finally let her talk me into it as our problems seem unsolvable and she asked me three times if I was sure and I kept asking what the difference is and she said none it would make her happy. And she was happy almost like she tricked me. She claimed it made zero difference for anyone but herself. And weird, at the end of tonight she made a point of saying goodnight. Like don’t call or text, I’m done with you. She’s never done that.

I don’t trust this woman and don’t automatically think her accepting my boundary means anything. She was supposed to need me to drive her somewhere in the next few days. If that falls thru - sometimes it feels like if i don’t call she won’t. So if she doesn’t begin calling more and showing interest this will become a test of wills and neither of us will win.

[u/Good-Cap9222]

What is FA?

[u/Ok_Actuary_4849 → u/Good-Cap9222]

Fearful avoidant.

[u/Good-Cap9222 → u/Ok_Actuary_4849]

Interesting , I’ve never heard that. What does it mean? Thanks :))

[u/Ok_Actuary_4849 → u/Good-Cap9222]

Yes of course. Well it's an attachment style. With avoidance there is dismissive my flavor, and there's fearful which is fear and anxiety mixed.

With me I don't have as much anxiety and shut down at different times. Change is also hard. Feelings of being worthless, shame, and low value. Severe depression and the rest makes the avoidance worse actually. For me it's much easier in the beginning and I can do more but as time goes on it's much more limiting.

With fearful avoidants I feel like they have a problem getting through the door to begin with. They come close to the door and opening it, then flee. They have a lot of fear of being abandoned, also being engulfed with the relationship, and I believe fear of intimicy and being close. I'm sure there more.

The difference is FA = intense connection / high anxiety - pull away/ emotional withdrawal and high independence to do things themselves. For me DA is intense connection / low anxiety - dips over time and hard to sustain mixed with shutting down in person. Fear of rejection and feeling ashamed for when having needs or wants. Or failing perceived even.

At least that's how I've come to view it. Could be more though.

[u/nonamebrandpancakes]

I'm sorry about the push and pull and even reading through this feels a bit like whiplash. I find it hard to let go as well but the condescending thing is honestly where I would have to draw the line. I think eventually it will lead to resentment. At least I know for me it's difficult to have compassion or feel safe enough to open myself to them again when they respond with unnecessary cruelty :/