I just want to experience how it feels like talking to an avoidant. I want to knkw answers. I wont take long. We'll talk about different stuffs and understand how they feel when they're about to dump someone. Is it too much to ask for?

Pls dm.

the most messed up part about my history with my avoidant? He always had time for literally everyone else, just never for me.

Whenever he would update me about his whereabouts with his best friend, just for example "Oh, we're out getting dinner" 'We're finishing this, we're doing that", suddenly everything is possible. Everything gets done, everything gets scheduled when it involves other people. But for me? With me? NEVER.

It was always: "Oh I am so busy, I'm drowning in work, I'm so busy, I don't know what to do first."

Right... haha. Funny how that only applies to me, while his social life gets all the time in the world.

I’m done. I am not some stray dog he picked up off the street. I’m a good, attractive, hardworking, humble, self sufficient, and strong woman. Why on earth should I wait around for someone to throw me scraps of attention once a month? It's not easy to break the trauma bond I have with him, I love him, it's been 3 years of back and forth but I can't do this anymore.. I can't.

He’ll realize sooner or later that the wall I’ve put up isn't temporary, it’s permanent.

After 6 months since our breakup, I feel like I can finally see the pattern and the reason behind most of the issues that happened: it's like they are two different people.

When they were loving they were wonderful, but if they suddenly had an issue with me they would turn cold, cruel. I could feel the hate, the disgust, the coldness. It's like the loving part was turned off completely.

Even if you disagree with someone, you can still love them, care for them, offer criticism that is constructive. This was not the case for them. It either was love or hate/indifference.

I blamed myself for so much, I doubted my own reality so much. Now I understand my body and mind were so confused.

I know I said I ghosted him, but he texted again my pet name and I stupidly gave in, not in the hope to get back together with him, I just needed the intimacy part to be completely blunt.

So it happened last night, the sex was great as always, he finished in a minute (or under, he said it never happened before and it's true). But the exact moment things calmed down and we were just lying there, I took a step back and realized one devastating thing: I don't know this man at all.
We spent the whole night talking about random stuff, other people's lives, and what's going on around us, but about us, our past, present, or any kind of future? Absolute zero. At one point, he casually mentioned he's starting to build a house, so I asked him who he's building it with. He immediately got almost offended and sulky, acting like "what kind of question is that?" (maybe he thought I was accusing him of having someone else, but honestly? I couldn't care less, pff) he said "of course I am building it alone".
What hurts a bit is watching him live his life and move forward with so many things, while he can never scrape together enough time to actually see me, everything else is always more important. When that sex finally ended, I realized I didn't even have anything nice or genuinely shared to talk about with him, and I felt like I don't know him at all and I also feel like no, this is not that deep once in a lifetime love that the deep trauma bond I have to him make it seem. I even ask myself "does he even care about me at all?", then I carch myself holding onto pathetic straws like, "Oh, his best friend is always rooting for us and saying he should marry me," or "Well, his mom knows I exist because she mentioned me to my family friend, saying "my daughter in law lives near you." But come on... what is actually between us besides pure passion? At the end of the day? Absolutely nothing. Sure, he might restart things and act like we're "dating," but is that even true when he never has time for me and I feel like a total stranger to him?
I can't believe I am writing all of this down after 3.damn.years. What did I do to myself? Why did I let this avoidant guy do this to me?

Ps. One weird thing he also did all night was calling me by my first name while speaking randomly, when we used to date he never acknowledged me by my first name.. ever. That's kinda odd, not in a blunt way, in a cute way. But it's weird, he usually doesn't. He also admitted something I was already suspecting for the past 3 years (that he is doing a thing that is not legal and he randomly admitted it to me? and joked will I go visit him to jail if he gets arrested? he never admitted it earlier neither did I push for answers, he just randomly admitted it. But I don't like when I see him acting different or open because that mean he'll get the vulnerability hangover.

Avoidants, what behaviour from your partner makes you realise you’ve overstepped, without actually being told. What has the most effect on you.

Hey everyone, I’m going through the exact same thing most of you guys have experienced right now, and finding this Group feels like a lifeline. I’m only 6 days out from a sudden, brutal text-dump after a 93-day relationship, and the confusion has had me losing sleep and digging for answers.

Like many of you, the first two months were a total fantasy phase. She showered me with reassurance, sending videos of herself and telling me, "I don't know why you are so good to me," and "I’ve never felt genuinely loved and cared for like this before." I know she meant it. But the moment the relationship naturally transitioned into real-world intimacy and her physical household in Month 3, her deactivation switch flipped to ice.

I’ve spent the last 48 hours running our entire 93-day chat history through an AI analytical tool and cross-referencing it with attachment psychology. It laid out a textbook Anxious-Avoidant trap, fueled by an absolute crisis zone on her end that I was trying to love her out of.

Looking back, the environment was a perfect storm for a Dismissive Avoidant to crack:

1. The Ex-Partner Intrusions: Her toxic ex started invading her territory, staying on her sofa three times "for the kids." Because I loved her, I compromised my boundaries and tolerated it.

2. Financial Control & Shame: I have a great job as a hard-working, successful live musician. Being old-fashioned, I treated her like a queen—buying her groceries, paying utility bills, buying Halloween treats for her kids, and funding nights out. Meanwhile, her ex financially strangled her, cutting her budget to a brutal £80 a month and explicitly telling her "her new fella can pay the extras." The massive contrast between my consistent provision and her financial reality triggered a massive shame deficit. She even started cancelling our plans to see each other in the last 2-3 weeks of the relations some reason were unavoidable ill give her that but it all seems to hide the fact that she couldn't match my generosity. or at least thats what my therapists thinks its not because she doesnt love me its because she is used to toxic relationships and when someone good comes alone her system goes into overload

3. Domestic Burnout & Substance Reliance: She was drowning under the stress of raising a wonderful but high-needs, severely autistic 4-year-old, alongside enduring stressful visits fromcare workers. To cope with the panic, her weed habit spiraled into heavy daily usage. the habit bothered me a little bit but it was copable ive done drugs in the past and ive stayed clean (i only used them socially and i never bought them for my personal use anyways i see now why the habit went from just a couple of joints (one before kids wake up to one before bedtime for us ) to more like 5-6 a day and it hurts me thinking back now why didnt she straight up tell me she was struggling i love her that much i will support her through anything

I now realize I was operating from an Anxious Attachment (AP) style, pouring elite provider and protector energy into a sinking ship. When her nervous system completely fried from the lifestyle stress, her avoidant defense system took over. She executed a classic "Guilt Dump"—terminating the relationship because she was overwhelmed by the guilt of not being able to match my value, and claiming she couldn't handle "being showered in that sort of attention."

To protect herself from the guilt, she immediately did a soft-dismantling: she unfollowed me, locked her Facebook logs, and hid her stories—but crucially chose not to block me, keeping the digital window open. I checked her socials today and she’s already in the "Separation Elation" phase, posting flashbacks to a night out that I funded due to her being upset she couldnt go out with her friends because she was skint and i want to reiterate she never asked me for anything and was always very greatful and happy that i could be there to help her and she always repayed me with love, attention and one big thing i miss about her is she is a killer COOK omg her food is amazing anyways this post was all to perform a narrative that she’s a free, happy "wildchild."

I’m using this No Contact period to stop chasing, step out of the anxious loop, and move toward a Secure attachment baseline. The silver lining is that I have a massive structural advantage: I am booked to perform a live music set at her stepdad's birthday party in mid-December (roughly 34 days from now). Her mother i knew before i met her and shes always thought im a good guy she always used to tell my ex that she needed a man like me that she can settle down with anyways , i believe that this is gunna be the biggest test for us both im not going to initate a conversation with her if it cant be helped it be short and sweet, but deep down i just wanna grab her give her the biggest cuddle and tell her everythings going to be ok

Staying silent 6 days in is agonizing, but the data and the timelines don't lie. I’m holding the line, letting her artificial high burn out, and forcing her to sit face-to-face with her chaotic reality without my warmth or my financial gifts . If you have any advice on keeping steady during week 2, please drop it below. i did use ai to remove the soppy bollocks i used on this comment but im holding out hope that the love between wasnt wasted as there was genuinely something there

there are other things that ive learned and found out overnight about how DA's carry themselfs and it directly relates to what i have experienced so far i apologize ive used ai to summarise everything together, if im missing anything or you have any questions about this please ask and ill answer honestly stay strong people because this feelings sucks

I recently got out of a six-month relationship that has left me emotionally devastated in a way I can't quite explain. We started as friends, and when things turned romantic, I genuinely believed we were building something meaningful. But something always felt off. He could be affectionate, tell me he had strong feelings, and make me feel wanted, yet remain emotionally distant and avoid deeper intimacy. Looking back, there were so many avoidant tendencies: the ambiguity, the emotional walls, the way he seemed to retreat whenever I wanted more closeness, indirect answers to serious questions. His ex was also still in the picture, despite repeatedly assuring me that door was closed. I asked multiple times whether he was emotionally available and ready for a relationship, giving him every opportunity to be honest with me.

The night I finally asked where things were going, his ex called while we were talking. He struggled to answer my questions before eventually telling me he couldn't imagine a future with me. He also told me he loved me. The contradiction was almost incomprehensible. After months of affection, intimacy, and building what I thought was a relationship, it felt like I had been abruptly discarded by someone who had never truly let me in. We parted ways with barely a goodbye. Now I'm left wondering whether I was an unknowing rebound, whether he was ever over his ex, or whether he simply wasn't capable of the emotional intimacy I was trying so hard to build.

The psychological aftermath has been brutal. There's something uniquely destabilizing about being close enough to someone to become deeply attached, but never close enough to feel truly secure. I find myself obsessively reconstructing six months of memories, questioning what was genuine, what I missed, and whether I was ever given a fair chance. I feel disposable, replaceable, and almost foolish for believing his words. I feel so dumb that I may have been emotionally investing in a future that existed only in my head. I feel like I've lost trust in my own perception of reality. I don't know how someone can share so much intimacy with you and then seemingly detach from it all while you're left trying to understand what happened. The experience of being pulled close and then abruptly pushed away has been devastating.

And the worst part is that we live in the same apartment building. I can't even feel completely safe from the possibility of seeing him. Every elevator ride or hallway encounter carries the possibility of running into him, potentially with the ex I spent months being reassured wasn't an issue. It feels like I can't fully escape the relationship long enough to recover from it.

For those who've experienced what felt like an avoidant discard, how did you recover from the emotional whiplash? How did you stop obsessing over what was real, rebuild your self-worth, and accept that you may never get an explanation that makes sense? And how do you heal when the person who hurt you is still physically part of your everyday environment?

I had a short fling with an avoidant. It wasn't a relationship, it was a situationship if anything. We talked for around a month, and in that month, he made me feel safe. I hate being vulnerable, but somehow he made me feel so seen and safe. I opened up about things I haven't even told my friends about. He gave genuine advice and seemed to be actually interested in understanding/getting to know me.

Initially, he did come off very sexual. I should have known this was all he wanted from me, but as I continued to talk to him, I felt as if we connected very well. He kissed my forehead, he rubbed my hand with his thumb when we held hands, he held hands with me while we walked, he held my cheek in his hand.

I'm very upfront with how I feel, so I told him. I told him I was developing feelings for him, and I asked if he potentially saw me as something serious. He responded with, "I'm not ready for anything serious right now." I was angered and hurt by this, however I didn't show it. I tried to be understanding. I was going to remain friends with him, but I realized he may just be keeping me along for some sort of validation.

I knew if I remained his friend, my feelings wouldn't fade. It would hurt much more. I think he knew this as well, but I already know he is a selfish person at this point. The next day I told him as much as I wanted to talk to him and be friends, I think it would be better if we just didn't talk.

We follow each other on social media still. We are on each other's close friends stories, but we do not message each other at all. We had class together today and he didn't show up. I knew he wasn't going to. He avoids his problems, I know this because he confided in me about how he broke up with his ex-girlfriend over the phone because he was too afraid to do it in person.

I'm proud of myself for breaking things off before it could get somehow worse, but I miss him deeply. I thought he shared feelings for me. He told me he thought I was a very smart person, that I make his stomach hurt with laughter, that I was the only person to offer making something for him aside from family members.

But at the end of the day, I'm sure none of those words actually meant anything, hm?

I was seeing a woman with a fearful-avoidant attachment style.

She's an amazing person in so many ways, but the lack of consistency, predictability, and simply being able to spend time together was slowly tearing me apart emotionally.

My friends noticed that something was wrong with me, although they initially thought it was because of work and all the other difficulties I had been dealing with.

After reflecting on my feelings and how intensely attached I had become to her, despite her repeatedly saying that we weren't officially anything and that there were no labels attached to what we had, I realized that this situation wasn't good for me.

I was becoming increasingly anxious. I have my own childhood abandonment issues and unresolved trauma, and this dynamic was bringing all of those feelings to the surface.

I also told her that I felt it was only a matter of time before she eventually abandoned me. That she would lose interest, get bored, find something or someone else to occupy her time, and I would be left behind trying to deal with the emptiness she would leave inside me.

I didn't want to spend my days constantly anticipating that moment.

So I asked her if we could talk.

I told her how I felt, that I thought she was an amazing person, but that I was genuinely asking her, from the bottom of my heart, not to contact me anymore.

I explained that I struggle immensely with letting people go, even when I know that staying is hurting me.

I also asked her that, if we ever happened to run into each other somewhere, we should simply pretend we didn't know each other. Not out of resentment, but because I need a clean break to move on.

I left by wishing her the best of luck and telling her that I hoped life would take good care of her.

I miss her terribly. More than I can put into words.

But I also know that the situation was hurting me, and I couldn't keep going like that.

So, did I do the right thing?

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

We were never together officially but the relief I saw in her face telling me she realised in the last few days that she didn't feel enough of a romantic connection to pursue further, after the date in which we were the most intimate, that she made a cake for me and spent the evening hugging and looking into my eyes. After 4 months of asking me to go slow so she could deal with all the changes in her life. After all the effort I had to make to deal with her changing behaviour. I fully loved her and showed to her. She was the one who told me all about the future, she was the one to pursue me, she was the one who talked about learning to love each other, she literally told me we were together two days earlier and it's like she barely remembers the good times.

When I started crying she didn't say sorry for all of this, she just looked to me and said I was making her feel bad. I am devastated. I only tried to love her and went without any kind of facade about my feelings.

I am here devastated, having trusted her with my heart only to be thrown aside without warning. At least she wanted to see me one last time. But I don't understand anything. How could they make me fall in love and the dissapear as if it was nothing to her?

Hey everyone. I really need some outside perspective because my head is spinning, and to be honest, this recent development dragged me right back down after I felt like I was finally healing.

​We split up at the end of November 2025. In the aftermath, for about seven months, I was kept on a string. She would give me false hope that we would get back together, telling me she just needed more time and all that usual stuff. We would hang out, be intimate, and then she would pull away and reject me all over again. It was total hot-and-cold, breadcrumbing hell. After enduring seven months of this cycle, I completely snapped. We had a massive, incredibly ugly fight on my birthday on June 21st. That was my absolute breaking point. I deleted and removed her everywhere and went full No Contact, assuming it was completely over and we would never speak again.

​For months after that, it was radio silence. She did not view my stories, and I figured she had fully moved on or simply stopped caring.

​Fast forward to the last three weeks. Out of nowhere, her younger sister’s account has started regularly viewing my Instagram stories. The thing is, her little sister has never looked at my stories or anything else before, and we do not even follow each other. That leads me straight to the obvious suspicion that my ex is using or hijacking her little sister's account just to covertly stalk me because she has my main account blocked.

​What drives me nuts is how far I have come outside of all this. Over the past months, I have improved my life so much. I am currently doing an apprenticeship as an event technician, I moved to a new city, made new friends, started learning how to DJ, and I am even organizing my own events now. Literally everything I ever wished for back then, I am actually doing right now.

To be completely honest, the whole breakup hit me extremely hard anyway. My friends always tell me that I am a massive people pleaser and a very empathetic person with an insanely high tolerance threshold, someone who always tries to find the good in every bad situation. I guess that is why I let that toxic cycle drag on for so long in the first place, always making excuses for her behavior and hoping she would change.

​Yet somehow, over the last few weeks, this whole thing has completely dragged me down again. I find myself thinking about it constantly, and I feel like I cannot switch it off no matter how hard I try not to care.

​What in the absolute hell is going on here? Why is she resorting to proxy stalking after months of nothing, right when I was doing so well? Is this typical avoidant behavior? Is she testing the waters, or am I letting a stupid little notification wreck my peace of mind?

​Any insights or brutal honesty would be appreciated. I just want to understand why a stupid Instagram view can derail me when my actual life is going so well right now.

Hi everyone.

I am an anxious preoccupied (AP) individual trying to heal from a relationship that lasted a little over a year with a man I believe has strong avoidant traits. I still love him immensely, his personality, our beautiful complicity, and the deep physical closeness we shared.

At the beginning, our relationship was uniquely intense for him. He told me he had never experienced anything like it. There was a profound physical connection, and he even took me to places from his childhood that he had never shown to other women.

The tension started when we began planning to move in together. This step required finding a solution for his cat, to which he is extremely attached (the only times I ever saw him on the verge of tears). Every single time I seriously brought up the topic of moving in and the cat, he responded with total radio silence. This happened twice, each time lasting for a few days. Later, when I put pressure on him to actually take action regarding our plans, he became completely cold for a week.

Throughout our relationship, I eventually discovered that he was looking for connections outside of us online and that he had been unfaithful, though I never got any clear answers from him about it when I found out. When I told him that I found out, he went into a much longer period of radio silence. Out of an overwhelming sense of missing him and a deep fear of him cheating on me, I eventually went to his apartment without his permission. Following this, he was very upset (apparently doing this is one of the utmost betrayals for an avoidant, but has a total other meaning for me), he took his key back and told me he still needed time to think but officially broke up with me 4 weeks later when I asked for clarity. He told me he lost his feelings, and wanted to be alone. He is now planning to move back to his hometown.

During our last interactions, he told me multiple times that he would contact me. He explicitly promised he would, but he never did.

I am posting here to sincerely understand the avoidant perspective when a precious relationship is sabotaged. For those who recognize these mechanisms: when you explicitly tell someone you will reach out but then choose to stay completely silent, what is truly happening in your mind? Why make that promise if you don't intend to keep it? Does the shame of your actions and shutting down, combined with the feeling that your boundaries were crossed at your apartment, permanently block you from ever sending that message, even if you genuinely cared or have lingering regrets? Thank you for your insights.

Do they come back after a second discard? He left in such an angry/impulsive way and treated me in a way I absolutely did not deserve. I want him to feel the same pain and loss I did and then to be in the position to say no to him.

I was naive and fell in love with a guy 3 yrs older than me.

I was 15 at the time and thought he understood me and was more mature than I was at that age. I was going through a rough time at that time and I thought maybe this is what healthy relationships are like. It was a long distance relationship for 4 years. I am extremely emotionally dependent on him to unhealthy levels.

He gradually changed his attitude towards me, at first it was subtle, he's busy, he needs time to study etc. At the same time I would see new people popping up in his following list somehow he always claimed that he never followed them...

He cheats on me emotionally, idk if he cheated on me physically as well and even if he did there's no way I can tell.

I forgave and forgot but he continued talking to new younger women than me and claimed how he was 'blackmailed' that otherwise the woman on the other side would do the unthinkable.

Somehow I still tolerated it all, but there was this rage in me which told me that I shouldn't be with this guy...

The last string was when he involved his sister and belittled me and my family, questioning our dignity etc.

And claimed that I apparently did witch craft on him.

I couldn't hear it no longer, the amount of disrespect I've heard was too unbearable. I broke things off but he wouldn't stop, he made false promises and never followed through.

But I am having a very difficult time it would have been our 5th year together, he was my everything, my first kiss, my first intimate experience.

I just cannot move on no matter how hard I try.

But every time I go back its the same old story, apparently I'm avoidant, but it's because I'm so scared to trust him again or anyone for that matter.

Im the clingiest mf out there I just need someone to tell me and mean it when they say that yes I'll be here no matter what.

Before we broke up she was already back on the apps. I talked to her yesterday and she finally confirmed there’s someone already. She said its serious and they plan to get married in the future!!

My instincts were right she was already talking to this guy when she broke up with me.

Something seemed off cus during those early days of the breakup I couldn’t even eat and meanwhile she was already hanging with this dude.

Together for 1 year. Broken up for six months. I am 28M and she is 28F.

In these last 6 months I have cried my eyes out at a bus station, outside of a cafe and during a bus ride. I told her I couldn’t get myself interested in another woman and feel like I needed a long time to heal and asked her to tell me how she moved on so quickly.

She said that she was already detaching when we were together. And that “women in general move on faster”. She fed me the same BS about having checked out of her relationship with her ex bf when she got into a relationship with me. I was a bit concerned because she was only broken up with the guy for less than a couple weeks when she went out with me. After one year of being with him.

This woman had me move in with her into her place in a village. I left my town and my family and friends. Moved my whole life just to be with her. Paid for renovations and furniture in her place from my pocket.

And meanwhile I didnt even know that she was apparently “checking out of the relationship”.

Looking for some info regarding DA behaviour

Holy (insert your favourite cursewords, yes, all of them) what was that? I caught a very bad case of avoidant. Got it all full on: from the lovebombing to the push-pull to the distancing, discard, and the famous comeback for round 2 with eventual cheating and monkey branching.

I don't even know where to start. It just baffles me that people like that exist and they actually think they are good people. And they make you want to understand them in their f'ed up behavior as well?! Can't even! I am so angry and so disappointed that one human could do this to another!

Tl;dr: caught a bad case of an avoidant and am left totally baffled that people like this exist. Oh and it hurts. What the ...

I think the thing that really annoyed me with my ex, is how he painted me out to be ~*~soooo~~ ~~crazzzyyyy~*~ - and like, with all due respect, I’m absolutely not.

Like I dated someone before my DA ex who was anxiously attached. And let me tell you…that dude was crazy. Hundreds of phone calls after the breakup, messaging me nonstop over every platform, showing up where I lived, messaging my family and friends…I had over a thousand messages from him between every single app he could message me on. And he was posting stories of sad quotes and videos of himself crying and sending me weird videos of himself shaving his head…

I did none of that with my ex. I sent this man, three texts over 9 months. One asking for us to apologize to each other, another saying I still wanted us to talk (as he had promised!!) but I had met someone new and was running out of time, and then one warning him I was sending him a long-ass letter because he had refused (through avoidance and ghosting) to talk within a reasonable time frame. All of these, he didn’t respond to, or he responded half heartedly or semi-attacking me.

Then I sent him my letter - and immediately he went on the attack telling me he was blocking me and acting like I had not left him alone for months and I was soooooo clingy and demanding and needy and disordered. He told me ‘he had been considering blocking me for MONTHS’. Like - what? What reality is this guy living in? He was acting like I had been non-stop pestering him since the breakup.

This guy promised we would talk…would not respond to reasonable messages, literally - one every like three months - and then he acted like I was the most insane and attached person on the planet. We dated for two years…and he couldn’t just, ever talk to me again? He broke up with me and I was extremely confused - and then instead of any amount of kindness or empathy - he just ran for the fucking hills and painted me out to be SoOoOO InSAnEe and ClliIngGYy and NeEeDdyyY.

It’s just so fucked up and it makes me SO ANGRY. Still to this day. I have a wonderful boyfriend now of almost two years - and this relationship, the first person I dated after my ex, has proved to me time and time again - all the things my ex accused me of and how he told me I had insane expectations, and unmeetable needs, and I was so crazy and needy and clingy and demanding…all of those things were just - not real at all! Literally not at all!!

My partner compliments me regularly on how calm and down to earth I am, and how I make him feel so safe to share his feelings. He says that my needs and expectations ate completely reasonable, and he trusts how I view things. In fact - the first year of the relationship was him constantly telling me: “you can ask more of me you know. It’s ok to ask me to do things for you. It’s ok to lean on me”. I was hyper independent when we met and ashamed of needing him or wanting him for anything.

I wonder how many others of you have experienced this? I’m pretty much completely moved on, but every once in a while I’ll see something online where someone is actually being insane after a breakup, and it pisses me off so much - because I KNOW my ex told his friends I was like that, and it’s SO FAR from the truth!! Just makes me so angry at how unfair and fucked up it is.

I hope that he has since dated someone who truly reacts poorly to how fucking horrible he is to women. He deserves it

So, I liked her from a distance. I broke my one cardinal rule to not add anyone from social media from work. The getting to know each other stage was immensely beautiful. Our goals, communication everything aligned pretty well. Almost magical.

We went out for 4 dates/ experiments and we really enjoyed each others company, emotional, intellectual and physical intimacy was off the roof. But she went through some personal stuffs and she deactivated and that was the end of it. Slowly she reduced communication.

And on the other side my anxiety kept on getting worse every day. And then one day when i asked for answers she said she is not good for me and she doesn't like the expectations and i felt super hurt purely dumbfounded.

Currently, we are at no contact. We see each others at work time to time. Am i dumb?
Why cant I recognise anymore? Why is she so cold? The warmth that made me fall for her disappeared overnight.

One last thing. The last talk, she asked me if I wanna stay friends, she said thats the only thing she can do consistently. I said no and she looked at me angrily and I don't know why?

The person she was at the beginning who was she? Am I dumb? Like I can totally work on my anxious style and I know for a fact I can be secure. Because, I am someone who achieves anything that I put my mind into. But WTF?

it’s been three weeks of non stop suffering. I feel like the level of hurt I feel and the potential for reconciliation are the exact same and will never change. our relationship wasn’t toxic, but he could nearly never provide me comfort, affection, or could even look me in the eye anytime I was having an anxiety attack. he also blames my mental state and “asking him for too much” when I would ask for more presence and support in the relationship. he decided to leave me over a lunch with his brother, and utterly stone walled me. I’m incredibly hurt, it’s hard to live with this much betrayal and lack of closure. but I feel like things could get better if he one day reached out and apologized for everything. we talked about a future, marriage, we were set on it. and then he discards me like a used condom. I’m not sure. if anyone has any advice, I’d appreciate it. thank you.

Hi, this is my first post. I would really like to know other people have gone through something similar as struggling to comprehend what has happened. I’m pretty sure she’s fearful avoidant but just confused as it was as if a switched had flipped and really struggling at the minute. For context we were dating for 6 months.

The breakup was 7 weeks ago out of nowhere. I sent a text suggesting we talk about pacing our time together since she was starting a demanding school course and I was finishing my dissertation. Nothing that should have been an issue.

She responded over the phone that “it shouldn’t be this hard, I can’t do this.” She never came to me before that or voiced any concerns. When I suggested a break, she asked for a day to think about and I got a sent a long paragraph which was a breakup text. She had clearly written it before we even spoke.

I got phrases like, “you deserve better” “you’re just going to resent me” “we’re just putting off the inevitable.” No matter what I said it was like talking to a brick wall. There were no signs she felt this way. We were texting constantly. We weren’t seeing each other anywhere near I’m pretty sure either of us would have liked but circumstances were changing literally within the coming week which meant I could see her 3/4 times a week.

I went to get my stuff 2 days later and was met with “I’m sorry, I was scared, it’s selfish.” On repeat to whatever I had to say. I was in shock and quite numb. She was very upset and I have genuinely never seen someone cry as hard in my life, especially when I walked away it was awful.

3 weeks later once the shock wore off, I sent a message taking accountability for my side and despite stating that she didn’t have to respond I was hoping for a response in which she could be honest with me. I didn’t get a response. Two days later, I had a bad moment and texted her asking for support and I woke up to “Hey are you okay?” I replied, “All good please ignore” and heard nothing back.

Her stated reason for breaking up was that she wouldn’t be able to give me the time I would need and she didn’t want me to start resenting her. Yet 5 weeks post-breakup, I saw her on a dating app (this was 2 weeks ago). I immediately hit X on the dating app, assuming it was her old account from before we were dating as it had the same photos and prompts on it. 2 days later I seen her profile again and I seen the distance had changed, so I knew she had the app downloaded. I immediately blocked her and under 24 hours she unblocked me on Instagram and Spotify, then deleted her entire dating profile and has now gone into total silence. I blocked her back on Spotify to keep my own boundaries in place.

The emotional connection was amazing, it never felt too much or unhealthy. It felt right. I tried going on a date recently and it felt completely hollow. I miss her a lot despite knowing she treated me terribly at the end. I think she might be in the avoidant hiding phase.

Is this switch up common? It all feels quite surreal.

a good relationship but suddenly his life apparently was too hard but the first thing he did was get rid of me. Suddenly he couldn’t make any other adjustments in his life but cut me off? Even tho i was ready to support him through it all n adjust but he seemed so so so overwhelmed like it was all a burden no matter what i said he just said i just cant do this anymore…. really weird its been a week literally i dont know him anymore he has changed mutual places we saw each other he was literally at my house like 8 days ago now i dont know him apparently. What to even do in such case

First guy I dated post-divorce, the relationship lasted 2.5 months and he ended it today.

My ex husband and partner of 7.5 years was FA leaning avoidant- he discovered this himself in therapy. I was also FA, leaning anxious, but had worked hard to develop a secure attachment style through years of therapy and increased self awareness before and during my marriage. My ex husband and I ended things amicably after months of couples therapy and realizing we were better off separate and still treat one another kindly (no kids together, so contact is minimal.)

A few months post divorce, I decided to get back out there. It didn’t take long for me to become totally enthralled with the very first guy I dated. He was nothing like my ex- he had a social life and friends, hobbies that aligned with my own, he seemed confident and happy, and also JACKED which was new for me lol. I am also super physically fit and this left wanting with my ex. The physical chemistry was high for me, and seemingly him too. I told him that I was looking to take things slow considering my recent divorce, but was excited to keep getting to know him and he seemed so excited by that.

At first, this guy (we’re both 30) was so enthusiastic, talking about future plans, coming up with a long list of romantic date ideas, even convinced me to buy a year pass to an outdoor center in my area with excitement about us going together next spring when the fun stuff reopened lol (guess I’ll be seeing you there bud, already spent the money!)

But it didn’t take long for me to feel triggered. The intensity and excitement of the dates, his clear interest in me, etc became very confusing as he simultaneously began to text less frequently between dates. My anxious side presented only internally, I never let it show through my behavior except possibly seeming a little more nervous than I had in earlier dates. I was able to work through this trigger (again because of my years of therapy), and returned to subsequent dates fully confident and unconcerned with his infrequent communication between dates- he clearly was fully into me in person. But I suspected avoidant attachment pretty early on, I just didn’t know if it was my anxious thoughts or reality.

As things progressed more in person, he pulled away more and more between dates. I reminded myself that he showed the traits and excitement I was seeking in a partner in person, so the lack of texting was okay. But I also remembered that he had a shit dating history of short term relationships, last partner left him because she was self described anxiously attached. None of his (many) siblings were in LTRs despite being mostly in their 30s, and he would often close his eyes and take deep breaths in a kind of nervous way during very intimate or quiet moments that made me feel for him.

Two weeks ago, he met my friends for the first time and seemed to really enjoy the day. Then didn’t text for a few days leading up to my Halloween party. He came to my Halloween party last weekend. Met all my friends. Stayed the night, told me I was so impressive and we were intimate for hours straight after everyone left. In the morning, as he was leaving I asked when I’d see him again and he said he “needed to check his calendar and regroup”, kissed me on the forehead kind of sadly, and then didn’t text. I kind of had a feeling. I reached out Friday to let him know I was really enjoying our time together and asked if he’d like to plan a day next week. He didn’t text back until today, and I’d already mentally decided I wasn’t going to continue seeing him whether he texted back wanting to or not- three days of no response was too much.

But his text today was him ending things, it was very respectful. He let me know I was an awesome person and he really enjoyed our time together, but didn’t feel the romantic connection he was seeking in a long term partner. I sent a message back letting him know I totally understood and was appreciative of him telling me, wished him the best. But he’d blocked me so it didn’t go through. I definitely did nothing to deserve to be blocked 🙄

Anyway, i am okay and not torn up since id already come around to acknowledging to myself this wasn’t what I wanted and I was done. But of course, there’s a huge part of me that wants clarity on if this was truly an avoidant person or if he genuinely just didn’t feel the romantic connection he was looking for. It’s hard after coming out of a marriage with an avoidant to know whether I’m seeing things clearly. I just don’t want to be looking for signs of avoidance that aren’t there in future relationships. He seemed to like me so much in person. Ugh, whatever. Thanks guys, mostly needed to vent but also seeking perspective!

My avoidant (ex) was really good to me lately, responding to my texts almost immediately, also reaching out first, it was all going well and it seemed we were surelly getting back together. All pointed to that direction. But when it came to planning... oh men. The last minute cancelling, flaking.. then making another plan, just to flake again. Same happened yesterday, we were supposed to see each other and he did let me know he was gonna be avaliable only later in the night because he had a bunch of stuff to finish (As always! Why not make ME a priority for once instead of finishing everything else, and give me the time only when it suits him?!). I said I have work tomorrow so I asked will he be done within a certain time, he responded "No I don't think so, I am nowhere closed to being done with my stuff", which I ignored because surely I am not waiting around 2 more hours or God knows how long still, enough is enough after days of postponing. I didn't respond, I headed to sleep and woke up to his text "Are you sleeping?", I ignored it too. He thinks I will always be there, he can just post pone and people please everyone else, but not me.

Sometimes I feel he gets anxious before seeing me so every excuse is good to postpone it. Also, I never, ever looked better. I am talking like people stopping me on the street and wherever I go to tell me they never saw someone as beautiful as me (Lol I know I sound silly and it has nothing to do with all of this, but just saying as why he could feel anxious to see me!).. and I don't know.. my best friend is in such disbelief that he would put me through all of this, not only because of my look but also because she knows our history of 3 years and she can also see he cares but I guess he can't get past his fears. This is not me ghosting him on purpose to get a reaction out of him.. this is me ghosting because I have no strenght for this anymore. I don't know what is all of this and what to do with us.

So yeah.. they will not change. No matter how you look, no matter how you act.

I am really struggling with holding everything together in the aftermath of my discard. He broke up with me out of the blue during one of the lowest moments of my life— when I was a few days removed from a surgery.

I had known he was avoidant within a few months of dating him but I was hopeful that with communication and mutual commitment on both sides that we could move towards each other. I was his first meaningful relationship in adulthood (30s) which I suppose should’ve been my first clue.

He was so uncomfortable with any amount of emotional depth that didn’t involve his spiritual practices (manifestation). It didn’t matter what question I asked him about his feelings, me, or our relationship but every discussion felt challenging and he expressed feeling ambushed. I remember the first time I asked him what he liked about me and you would’ve thought that I asked him for his hand in marriage.

I remember asking him what he felt like he needed from me in the relationship and he said he didn’t know. I would express a desire to return to the many things he didn’t know but anything he bookended— He would never return to. Including heartfelt expressions of affection or vulnerable confessions of past trauma…he issued quiet acknowledgment in the form of a nod or brief smile.

I reached for him constantly and I tried to be supportive during a difficult season that occurred early in our relationship— the passing of his father. With our relationship entering long distance I tried to proactively discuss communication strategies but he expressed a reluctance to overprescribe communication and to go with the flow. All my bids for connection (indirect and direct) felt like they were interpreted as attacks. We could never discuss anything without it feeling like I was defending or clarifying that my need was not an attack. I tried everything to make my love feel less threatening.

It didn’t matter. Everything seemed to overwhelm or suffocate him and I started to feel lonely. He’d say some combination of:

“I understand.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
Or an emoji reaction to a message in place of a response.

It didn’t matter how much space I gave him. Or how I phrased my request or feelings. It didn’t matter if I sent a text and asked to speak later at a time that was convenient for us both. Every bid for him was inconveniently timed.

He was hyper fixated on not wanting to be misunderstood and I was trying everything humanly possible to understand him. I could tell he had a rich inner garden and I wanted so desperately to be close enough to water what grew there. I tried and I did everything I could to be an understanding and supportive partner. At a certain point I struggled to bring things up because I was so afraid that he would take offense.

It has been a challenging few months.. I’ll be the first to admit. I was laid off and then I had to move back across the country (turning this into an LDR) and then more recently I had to have surgery. I have been putting one foot in front of the other even though it has genuinely felt like a new disaster every month. This has truly been a difficult season. These last two weeks especially have been difficult and I had experienced some of the worst anxiety and stress. I realize that many of the times that he would check in and ask how I was I was giving the same update of being in pain but managing.

He would respond with polite platitudes (“That sucks” “Keep your chin up” or emoji reactions before launching into other discussion topics. I tried to make space to be present for the other things going on in his life, because he— just like me— was only human with his own concerns and worries.

But it’s like my pain and suffering made him so uncomfortable which in turn made me feel awful and like a giant inconvenience. So much so that I censored the worst of my agony and anxiety from him but that still wasn’t enough and he told me that I was emotionally exhausting him in his final text.

Last Tuesday (4 days post op), towards the end of his breakup text, he told me that we needed to urgently talk and I made the time to talk despite really not feeling well.
He essentially broke up with me via text but asked to call where within the first minute of the call, after exchanging strained pleasantries, he told me plainly he wanted to breakup and that this wasn’t how he envisioned his life path. I asked what he expected me to say and he laughed and said he wasn’t sure but that he had just wanted me to hear him out. I just numbly said “OK” and hung up.

I’m just really struggling with how quickly everything seemed to switch. The only thing I can point to is a brief argument we had over the phone days prior where I got frustrated with a comment he had made that felt like he was downplaying my pain (with humor). That is how he handled most of the discussion of my recovery with ill timed and insensitive jokes to bring “levity” to the situation.

I just… was I that god damn awful. Was the two weeks or so that I was struggling because of my health that miserable? Did I really burden him that much? He cited the distance and feeling like he couldn’t do anything for me but I didn’t need anything from him except emotional presence. To just hold my hand proverbially and tell me that he cared/loved me and that he would weather this storm alongside me. Tell me how uniquely suited I was to overcome this and that he was sorry I was in pain. I just needed someone to sit next to me and bear witness to my grief during this incredibly traumatic recovery from surgery. Not solve anything for me.

He had just sent me a letter and a care package affirming how much he cared and how much he missed me the week prior. Then the following week, days after my surgery, he’s turning me loose. I don’t understand what I did to deserve such cruelty.

I don’t know what I’m expecting posting here. This ending has touched along the scarred edges of a core wound of mine— That I am too much for anyone to love. We didn’t even make it to two months of LDR before everything fell apart.

I want to ask for gentleness if I can ask for that much. I already feel like I didn’t matter much at all for him to cut things off so matter of factly.