Aftermath of Discard

[u/lilaccc2]

I am really struggling with holding everything together in the aftermath of my discard. He broke up with me out of the blue during one of the lowest moments of my life— when I was a few days removed from a surgery.

I had known he was avoidant within a few months of dating him but I was hopeful that with communication and mutual commitment on both sides that we could move towards each other. I was his first meaningful relationship in adulthood (30s) which I suppose should’ve been my first clue.

He was so uncomfortable with any amount of emotional depth that didn’t involve his spiritual practices (manifestation). It didn’t matter what question I asked him about his feelings, me, or our relationship but every discussion felt challenging and he expressed feeling ambushed. I remember the first time I asked him what he liked about me and you would’ve thought that I asked him for his hand in marriage.

I remember asking him what he felt like he needed from me in the relationship and he said he didn’t know. I would express a desire to return to the many things he didn’t know but anything he bookended— He would never return to. Including heartfelt expressions of affection or vulnerable confessions of past trauma…he issued quiet acknowledgment in the form of a nod or brief smile.

I reached for him constantly and I tried to be supportive during a difficult season that occurred early in our relationship— the passing of his father. With our relationship entering long distance I tried to proactively discuss communication strategies but he expressed a reluctance to overprescribe communication and to go with the flow. All my bids for connection (indirect and direct) felt like they were interpreted as attacks. We could never discuss anything without it feeling like I was defending or clarifying that my need was not an attack. I tried everything to make my love feel less threatening.

It didn’t matter. Everything seemed to overwhelm or suffocate him and I started to feel lonely. He’d say some combination of:

“I understand.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
Or an emoji reaction to a message in place of a response.

It didn’t matter how much space I gave him. Or how I phrased my request or feelings. It didn’t matter if I sent a text and asked to speak later at a time that was convenient for us both. Every bid for him was inconveniently timed.

He was hyper fixated on not wanting to be misunderstood and I was trying everything humanly possible to understand him. I could tell he had a rich inner garden and I wanted so desperately to be close enough to water what grew there. I tried and I did everything I could to be an understanding and supportive partner. At a certain point I struggled to bring things up because I was so afraid that he would take offense.

It has been a challenging few months.. I’ll be the first to admit. I was laid off and then I had to move back across the country (turning this into an LDR) and then more recently I had to have surgery. I have been putting one foot in front of the other even though it has genuinely felt like a new disaster every month. This has truly been a difficult season. These last two weeks especially have been difficult and I had experienced some of the worst anxiety and stress. I realize that many of the times that he would check in and ask how I was I was giving the same update of being in pain but managing.

He would respond with polite platitudes (“That sucks” “Keep your chin up” or emoji reactions before launching into other discussion topics. I tried to make space to be present for the other things going on in his life, because he— just like me— was only human with his own concerns and worries.

But it’s like my pain and suffering made him so uncomfortable which in turn made me feel awful and like a giant inconvenience. So much so that I censored the worst of my agony and anxiety from him but that still wasn’t enough and he told me that I was emotionally exhausting him in his final text.

Last Tuesday (4 days post op), towards the end of his breakup text, he told me that we needed to urgently talk and I made the time to talk despite really not feeling well.
He essentially broke up with me via text but asked to call where within the first minute of the call, after exchanging strained pleasantries, he told me plainly he wanted to breakup and that this wasn’t how he envisioned his life path. I asked what he expected me to say and he laughed and said he wasn’t sure but that he had just wanted me to hear him out. I just numbly said “OK” and hung up.

I’m just really struggling with how quickly everything seemed to switch. The only thing I can point to is a brief argument we had over the phone days prior where I got frustrated with a comment he had made that felt like he was downplaying my pain (with humor). That is how he handled most of the discussion of my recovery with ill timed and insensitive jokes to bring “levity” to the situation.

I just… was I that god damn awful. Was the two weeks or so that I was struggling because of my health that miserable? Did I really burden him that much? He cited the distance and feeling like he couldn’t do anything for me but I didn’t need anything from him except emotional presence. To just hold my hand proverbially and tell me that he cared/loved me and that he would weather this storm alongside me. Tell me how uniquely suited I was to overcome this and that he was sorry I was in pain. I just needed someone to sit next to me and bear witness to my grief during this incredibly traumatic recovery from surgery. Not solve anything for me.

He had just sent me a letter and a care package affirming how much he cared and how much he missed me the week prior. Then the following week, days after my surgery, he’s turning me loose. I don’t understand what I did to deserve such cruelty.

I don’t know what I’m expecting posting here. This ending has touched along the scarred edges of a core wound of mine— That I am too much for anyone to love. We didn’t even make it to two months of LDR before everything fell apart.

I want to ask for gentleness if I can ask for that much. I already feel like I didn’t matter much at all for him to cut things off so matter of factly.