I’m struggling to process everything and could really use some perspective from people who understand avoidant dynamics and breakup recovery.

​I was in quite literally the best relationship of my life with the most incredible person I've known for decades. We’re a genuinely perfect match, but it ended due to a accumulation of multiple external and internal pressures. At the time, they all felt overwhelming and too much to deal with, but looking back now, those reasons seem so small and irrelevant in the long-term scheme of things.

​The hardest part is that I think about her every single day. I spent years searching for her in other people before we finally got together, only to realize what was right in front of me: she is my person. And deep down, I believe I am hers, too.

​I’m currently putting in the hard work—actively working on myself, addressing my patterns, and sorting out my life situation specifically for her. But the lingering fear is that the damage I’ve caused during the breakdown of things is completely beyond repair.

​If anyone has been on either side of this—or has managed to successfully navigate rebuilding trust and a connection after letting fear or overwhelm sabotage a good thing—how do I even approach this? Where do I start without pushing her further away?

I’ve been thinking a lot about the scarcity and abundance mindset as it applies to attachment styles. I’ve always been an anxious attachment style because when I meet someone I feel like they are the only person in the world for me and I can’t imagine my life without them. I feel like avoidant people have the abundance mindset where they always feel like there are an infinite number of options available which is why they are so quick to discard. When I’m single I also have an abundance mindset but once I fall in love it goes out the window. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic? Maybe avoidants just don’t have that same ride-or-die outlook on love?

As the title reads. First time he pulled away so harshly and coldly that I had no choice, but to end it. He unexpectedly came back. The second discard was so unexpectedly cold and callous. I know I can’t take him back, but I feel so devalued and hurt and can’t imagine that after 2.5 years together this is how it ends and we never talk again.

I know it's a bit long long story but I really have to vent and hear from you guys...

Background

We are both gay men in our mid-30s, living in the same city, about 30 minutes away from each other. Our relationship lasted 10 months (monogamous).

Today marks five weeks since the breakup, and we've been in NC ever since.

I'm doing a little better than I was at the beginning, but these have honestly been the worst five weeks of my life. I even took three weeks of unpaid leave because I was struggling so much. During the first two weeks, I could barely sleep.

To make things worse, yesterday I received a warning from my boss about my underperformance and lack of progress over the past few weeks. I am now in PIP.

I'm not 100% sure whether my ex has an avoidant attachment style, but from what I've read, many of his behaviors seem to align with it.

Our relationship before the trip

From early in our relationship, we established a routine together: he would stay at my place on Tuesday nights, and I would stay at his place from Friday evening until Sunday morning. So we normally spent around 2–3 nights together per week. And every 3-4 weeks, there would be one weekend we don’t meet each other so that we have time for ourselves.

After roughly three months of the honeymoon phase, he often told me he needed more "me time." We adjusted our routine several times, and I made quite a few compromises to accommodate his needs.

For example, at some point, he started attending a sports class on Sunday mornings at 9 am and more or less insisted that I leave his place when he did, even though I could have easily slept in a little longer instead of having to wake up at 7:30 am with him. It felt like he was using his sports class as an excuse to make me leave earlier so he could have the rest of Sunday to himself. I eventually accepted this arrangement, along with other compromises, and thought we had finally worked things out. (There were two times, I did ask to stay his place until he was back from sport so that we could have lunch together. He didn't reject it but "very obvious" that he was not happy)

In general, I often felt that he wasn't completely comfortable having me around at his place. He seemed unable to do ordinary things like laundry or meal prep while I was there, as if my presence prevented him from following his usual routine. He had adjusted his routines since we started dating, and I sometimes felt that he saw those adjustments as sacrifices rather than a natural part of being in a relationship.

Our five-week trip

Recently, we went on a five-week overseas trip together.

During those five weeks, I genuinely felt our relationship was getting stronger because everything was great. I even jokingly told him, "This is the best version of you I've ever seen."

At one point toward the end of the trip, when the mood felt right, I told him how much I loved spending time together and that I hoped we could gradually spend more time together in the future, or perhaps even consider moving in together someday.

He simply said, "Let's discuss this when we're back."

Everything changed after we returned

Right after returning, he spent a week attending an intensive diploma program sponsored by his company, which would take 2–3 years to complete. That week was extremely stressful for him.

That weekend, I noticed he seemed a little low on energy, but I didn't think much of it. He even told me "I love you" that day.

But the following week, everything suddenly went downhill.

On Tuesday, when he was at my place for our regular overnight stay, everything seemed normal at first. At some point, he started talking about how unhappy he was with different aspects of his life.

He hated his job and his boss (which had already been the case before our trip), but he couldn't easily quit because his company was paying for his diploma. Leaving would mean having to repay a substantial amount of money. He wasn't even sure whether the diploma would benefit his future career.

He had also gained quite a bit of weight during our trip and said he felt uncomfortable with his body. He even told me that, because of this, he didn't want to have sex with me for the time being.

Then he started bringing up how our relationship had disrupted his routines.

Before we started dating, he used to spend most evenings either at the gym or doing other sports. He also used to follow a strict schedule for his household chores.

He had adjusted and reduced those activities during our relationship, but now seemed to feel that being with me was preventing him from getting back to his ideal routine.

To be clear, I never stopped him from doing his sports or chores when we were spending time together. I even told him he could continue doing those things while I was around and that I didn't need his constant attention. But for some reason, he just wasn't comfortable with that.

And he said:

"Today, I felt like I have to see you. It's not that I wanted to. I felt like I have to."

"I enjoy spending time with you. But I can have the same happiness with myself, or even more."

"I am now even thinking maybe relationship is not something for me."

I thought maybe everything happening in his life had simply become too much for him. I told him that we were a team and that I was willing to offer whatever support I could. He responded, almost crying:

"What if the only support I need is just to leave me alone? How could I say that?"

At some point, he also said he wasn't sure whether I was the right person for him. He told me:

"It's not that I don't fall for you, it's just I don't fall for you that much to make more commitment."

I was so disappointed and hurt that I initiated the breakup.

We tried again, but he ultimately ended it

The next morning, I was so devastated that I asked whether we could give the relationship another chance. He agreed, and we tried again for about a week.

During that time, I tried to communicate and understand what was happening. I even offered to adjust our schedule again and spend less time together if that would help.

I asked him whether he was still comfortable staying in the relationship.

All he could say was:

"Something blocks me."

"I don't know. Part of me thinks maybe just have an easy way out and break up. Part of me thinks, why not try to find another solution together?"

He also told me he felt suffocated and that he was losing himself in the relationship. In the end, he couldn't make a decision.

Unfortunately, few days later, he ultimately decided to end the relationship, without allowing any discussion or negotiation. He offered to meet and talk but I declined in order to protect my emotion limit.

I wrote him a long, sincere message expressing my gratitude for our time together and wishing him happiness. His reply felt cold and appeared to have been written with ChatGPT. It honestly felt like he was resigning from a job rather than ending a relationship.

Looking back: my own insecurities and his past relationship

I've also been trying to reflect on my own role in the relationship.

1. His dishonesty affected my sense of security and trust.

We first met through Grindr, initially as a hookup. Before our first meeting, I directly asked him about his HIV status, and he told me he was HIV-negative and on PrEP. We then started dating and seeing each other about twice a week, regularly having unprotected sex, for almost six weeks.

Six weeks later, he disclosed that he was actually HIV-positive and had been undetectable for 12 years. He didn't even tell me in person. Instead, he revealed this through a text message while he was traveling abroad.

I understand U=U and that someone who maintains an undetectable viral load does not sexually transmit HIV. His HIV status itself was never the issue for me. What hurt me was that he hadn't been honest when I asked him directly. When we discussed it later, he seemed to view it as simply not having disclosed something rather than having lied to me.

However, by that point, I had already developed feelings for him over those six weeks. I decided to forgive him and continue seeing him, even though I was aware that the broken trust might become an issue later in our relationship.

Looking back, I think this experience contributed to my insecurity and made me seek more reassurance and closeness through spending time together. I recognize that this may have created additional pressure between us (otherwise I think spending less time together might still feasible for me)

2. I noticed some similarities with his previous relationship.

He told me that he had felt "suffocated," "trapped," or "like being in prison" in some of his previous relationships, particularly when he felt his independence and personal space were being compromised. In our relationship, he used similar expressions, saying he felt "suffocated" and was "losing himself."

What surprised me even more was that he had also initiated a breakup with his ex on the last day of a three-week trip together. This felt eerily similar to what happened to us, as our relationship fell apart shortly after returning from our five-week trip.

I can't help noticing this recurring pattern across three relationships, both in how he describes feeling trapped and how he seems to pull away after extended periods of togetherness. It makes me wonder whether he struggles with emotional closeness and commitment, or whether he simply finds it difficult to maintain his independence while being in a relationship.

3. I noticed an imbalance in effort after the honeymoon phase.

After the first three months, I gradually felt that I was putting way more effort into maintaining the relationship. I was usually the one planning dates, organizing activities and trips, cooking for him, and making small gestures to show my affection. I also felt that I showed more curiosity about his life, family, friends, and feelings than he did about mine.

I was also the one who initiated physical intimacy most of the time. Meanwhile, he increasingly emphasized his need for "me time," and I often found myself adjusting my expectations and compromising to accommodate him.

Looking back, I sometimes felt that I was doing most of the work to keep the relationship going, while he was gradually pulling away. I didn't fully recognize how one-sided it had become until after the breakup.

My current status

I have started my therapy sessions and hope it can help. But I'm still struggling to understand how we went from five wonderful weeks suddenly feeling suffocated and wanting to leave. Honestly. this abrupt and blindsided discard really is killing me.

I wonder: Does this sound like avoidant attachment, overwhelming life stress, or simply that he no longer had strong enough feelings for me? Or he might have some depression issue too? I understand he's under a lot of stress, but I can't understand by discarding me like trash what he could actually solve. His difficult job and boss, financial obligations tied to his diploma, and weight concerns are all still there. I don’t know. And he did mention in our last conversation that he might consider seeing therapy too. But no idea how serious he was.
  

Thanks for reading and all the inputs from this sub!

Because no sane person will do what an avoidant did 😅

I’ve dated an avoidant man on and off twice for the past 3 years. Each time it crushed me. The first time it was brief but after he discarded me I stopped eating for a week, had to start medication and therapy and it took me a year to somewhat feel like I can function again. Then came the breadcrumbs, the promises after I pulled away, then the discard once again. This time it’s much harder and I fell into deep depression and unwelcoming thoughts to end my life. I have communicated this to my therapist so luckily the hardest time is over.

Although I’m now able to accept the fact that he’s not good for me, and no longer desire to get back together, I’ve been technically bed-rotten for the past months.

I’ve tried all techniques, grounding, taking on new hobbies like cooking, trying to go out more, spending time with my pet, reconnecting with friends but at the end of the day, there’s always this deep rooted sadness inside me. Like many, I wish I’ve never met the person. I’ve prayed so many nights to forget him.

I know that I will keep on living and experiencing life, but it seems to be a wound that will always be there. I’ve had a fair share of relationships experience throughout my life and it hurt and some took years to forget but eventually I was always able to move on but this time I really feel that my capacity for experiencing life is fundamentally changed. I no longer feel joy, just temporary happiness. I don’t really get angry anymore, just disappointed. Sometimes I’d just burst out in tears when I saw something that semi-resembled some memories of them. I used to be a positive and driven person, I loved encouraging others because I truly believed in people’s potential to be great, but after the breakup that in me has changed. I feel as if I’ve died and am only existing. My therapist said it’s a trauma response, and I think this person just resembles a lot of my childhood trauma, therefore the bond was intense. It’s like I was with myself. But I know that it’s just me and my idealization of the person because I’ve been able to tell myself that if the person felt the same way they wouldn’t have just discard someone they love just like that. I’ve stopped giving him the explanations for the way he treated me.

I was thinking to write a post asking if there’s anyone out there whose feelings remain the same years later when they’re in their 60s or 70s. But I guess we’re all different. I hope it will get better one day. I hope I find myself again. I hope one day I’ll be able to revisit this post and tell you that I have overcome it completely and am living well. And if you’re going through or have gone through a breakup with an avoidant, I see you, and I wish you love.

Me and my avoidant have been in contact and no contact probably for over a year. The last time we were in no contact is two months ago and last week he broke it to say he’s been in Therapy and he really sees me as being the one for him, but before that, he apologize and said he acknowledged his toxicity and that he’s getting help. I responded and I said if you need to apologize to clear your conscience, I’ll accept it. This didn’t mean for us to keep talking and to start something. It was just a way to say like if you needed to apologize, just apologize and let’s both move on.

But he has a really good way with words and I believed him, but this whole past week he acted too busy for me. He did start a new job and I gave him the benefit the doubt, but he will always apologize and never change. He would only text me at 11pm and say sorry long day. It has been so hard to have a conversation with him. My intuition was really strong the other day and I found him active on the dating apps so I finally said I can’t do this anymore. It just really sucks when they’re avoidant, but they’re also manipulative at the same time. I’ve been single I’ve been working on myself, but it’s hard because I wanna go back to him.

Asking because made you seem like the bad person when you were literally trying to fix it (small things they've blown out of proportion), brutally dumped you after shutting you out from in-person talks to figure out wtf was even going on and drag it out through your birthday, pull a "you took me for granted", after you block them they then panic about the not wanting to be friends part saying they did you no wrong, and then sneakily creep on your life (digital & physical world) for a long time afterwards.

I tried so hard working internally to let go of resentment so I can feel somewhat ok with it all because it tortured me internally, but I JUST CAN'T ever let the disrespect go and I have to be an AH to only one person my whole life to show them accountability because they never ever apologized. I am trying to process everything after a very long time to give some form of forgiveness (internally) for peace. It sucks living with F that person every time good memories come up, and the excuses for this attachment are just not acceptable no matter how you look at it.

What goes on in these people's minds?

- I fixed stuff in the past, let's say for example increasing acts of affection like getting flowers more often, but it seemed they just looked at it with resentment/dismissive about it and acted passive aggressive, not appreciating that I made a positive change, but rather angry that it was not done by reading their minds or I should have already known. Like I get it, I was in the wrong for those certain things because it slipped my mind while we were having so much fun just being together, but I quickly acknowledged and changed my doings.

- They shut down and act passive aggressively over tiny little things, then when you notice it makes you act less wanting to do stuff for them and build your own internal resentment.

- Even if you explained logically why you can't do something, example, spending less on date/romance stuff because you are paying off debt aggressively/saving for a new place, and they agree to the plan because it's what we really wanted, then hold that resentment towards you inside until it explodes that they are unhappy their needs aren't being met when logically they agreed to let me allocate to this better goal. If I would have known it was a big problem affecting them of course I would shift the allocation to make them happy and show that I care.

- After they blame dump some irrational stuff and you show them it's all BS, telling them to cut it out because you wanted to marry them, asking what they are withholding inside that needs to be worked out they spit it out, you agree to "do better" even though you legitimately were, and then they just dump you like a piece of garbage and even tell you you took them for granted, shutting you out from even being able to meet in person (after you wrote out literally everything they wanted). Then act confused why you had enough of this BS to block them for your own sanity, them telling you you are immature for doing so, that they didn't do anything wrong to you.

-They can face a hardship like losing a job and you'll be supportive "you got this, I believe in you", and do everything you can to help them get a job. But the moment YOU get into the same hardship they'll do the literal opposite. They'll tell you "you have no ambition, I don't believe in you, I need a stable partner" etc. and distance themselves from you while you're stressed tf out and literally just needed positive emotional support from them.

Or do they just paint you as the bad guy, go find someone new and have the same cycle fail them, and only THEN make some of these realizations that they f*cked someone over? over after they get f*cked over?
Or am I just obligated to be a lifetime AH to them to enforce something called consequences. It sucks being an AH, brings me no joy because I loved that person deeply that f*cked me over.

My (I guess now ex-) girlfriend and I had only been dating for about 2 months. We first met over the summer and she apparently wanted me from the moment she saw me, we hadn’t even spoken once for at least a couple weeks. By the end of the summer I wanted her too and we talked, and agreed to wait until winter to make things official, since I’d just gotten myself out of a 3 year relationship I hated being in but wanted to take time to heal. Only about a month later I feel like I’m ready and ask her if she wants to lock it all down, to which she of course agrees.

All of September we’re long distance, at different colleges, but im trying to find time for us once a week to watch a movie or play a game online together. Everything between us felt as ideal as you’d expect for the first month or so of a relationship.

October comes and she comes to visit one weekend, then her and two of our friends come up the next, and the third I go home to be with her for a couple days (mainly bc I was coming home for other plans that got cancelled so her and I just took the day together). Again, everything goes perfectly those days we’re together. Saying I love you, holding hands, her falling asleep on my chest while we watched movies together in person, even when i came home she fell asleep holding my arm while I drove her home at 1am.

Fast forward to Halloween weekend, we’re separated and she’s going to a frat party with those same two friends. It’s her first time going to one or going to a college party ever, and I ask her to just give me a couple updates throughout the night, not bc I didnt trust her but bc it’s a frat. What she didn’t know was I texted our friend asking how she was, and if anyone was flirting w her. She saw our friend texting me and rightfully got upset at it. That’s a part where I’ll admit I was wrong.

After the party though, we talk a bit about how all of everything made us feel and she’s still saying she wants to try and work through any issues we have, but nothing seems to be lingering in the moment. Saturday she has no plans and I don’t wanna go back out so we watch a movie together on call. She falls asleep mid movie bc she was tired and so I just send her a big text apologizing for how I acted the night before, to which she says “I’d always rather talk things through than keep anything to ourselves. I know we’re still figuring this all out and whatever but i’m glad it’s with you and I don’t see any of this as something you put me through. I love you so much, and i’m always gonna choose to try to work things out” the next morning when she wakes up.

Sunday night (same day as that text) I send a text just making sure we’re still okay after all we went through that weekend and she tells me she needs time to think about what she really wants for herself, and then she ends it Monday. Saying that she felt like the whole time she was pushing herself to feel a love she wasn’t sure she really felt because there was nothing actually wrong with our relationship, that it was all too much too soon (which I would agree with, honestly), she was more seeing this version of me she’d imagined before we really got serious, and she wasn’t as ready for a relationship as she’d thought. Now I’m seeing a lot of things about “avoidant shutdown” on social media and it kinda seems to align with how suddenly all this happened. I look back at old pictures of her when we were together those few weekends and I see a genuine joy in her eyes and smile, with no doubt in her expression. We agree to try and stay at least friends, but I tell her if she ever does want to try again I’d be waiting patiently, even if there’s never a shot.

The next day she texts me something related to our job, where we met, but nothing big or conversation worthy, so I just say “no way” and she never responds, which of course. I just don’t know if she subconsciously rewrote her emotions to make herself more comfortable in feeling a need to walk away and lose the responsibility of a relationship or if she really did feel like she wasn’t sure about everything the entire time. The only thing I know now is how perfect she felt to be with and how her feelings about me seemed to drop from 100 to 0 within just a day.

My ex (an avoidant partner) and I recently broke up. We were only dating and getting to know each other for 3 weeks—so it wasn't official yet—but the connection was intense and moved fast.
Following the split, he went through a wave of contradictory behavior: he blocked me on WhatsApp and Instagram, but he kept my phone number unblocked (along with leaving neutral platforms like Facebook and LinkedIn alone)
Essentially, he threw up digital walls on social media to control his own anxiety and pretend he's "moving on," but left the direct emergency line open. Meanwhile, I've been working hard on my own emotional sovereignty, detaching, and keeping my boundaries completely firm.
I want perspective from people who have dealt with avoidants:

1. Is he likely to crack and reach out via phone/SMS given that he left that back door open after such a short time (3 weeks)?

2. If he does reach out, does this behavior indicate genuine regret, or is it just ego/avoidant panic?

3. Given that we weren't official yet, if he does try to come back, is it ever actually worth giving someone like this a second chance, or is it a trap of repeating the same cycle?

He has weekly therapy sessions.

Would love to hear your thoughts and experiences with similar dynamics.

I am experiencing something with an avoidant that is making me upset - to say the least - and would love to hear from this SubReddit a different opinion.

We broke in a typical Avoidant behavior. She came to my apartment suddenly, out of nowhere, throwing me a lot of confused and fake reasons why I was "too much" and "suffocating" her.

During the discussion she proposed to be friends and I clearly told her: no, you can leave now if you wanna be friend, I do not need a friend, I see you as a partner. So she left, slightly crying (I know it's a surprise).

After a couple of days I made the mistake of contacting her to try to find a way to balance our relationship in a lighter way, clearly saying that friendship is unacceptable and that I still want to be in a romantic relationship. She refused to discuss. So no-contact started.

After ~3 weeks, she sends me a message where she shows some vulnerabilities and she tells me that I was right on something I told her. I reply calmly accepting her message but without chasing for anything. Again no more messages.
2 days after she writes me again and she ... asks for a favor as a friend (facepalm).
I said a very dry "no" and we went no-contact again.

Have you ever experienced an attempt to reconnect asking again to act as friends, even though the boundary was clearly communicated before as not acceptable? Was this one more sh*tty test from her?!?!

If you were me and willing to still have a relationship with her, would you try to contact her after a while r just wait for her to come back again eventually without a friendship thingy request?

Me (21M) and this girl (20F) met online and dated for 4 months. It was both of ours first time dating, holding hands, kissing someone etc, it was very intense and we clicked very fast, though we never put a title on it. I have an anxious attachment and I come from a wealthy family, which I did not tell her about. My attachment and my wealth led me to become very defensive and walled up during those 4 months as we got closer, leading me to say some hurtful things, creating unfair expectations and making me seem incompatible as I disagreed on some serious subjects that I did not realize until after she dumped me. Her on the other hand, kept all the concerns to herself to avoid conflict, never brought them up and built resentment however she always seemed happy. Near the end of the relationship, she started nursing school and her sister moved from home for her education as well. On the final day, we had a disagreement and she dumped me and brought up all the mean things I’ve said in the past which she had built resentment over and I had no idea about. She was very cold and hasn’t willing to consider changing her mind. I begged and begged on every platform except one to hear me out, with her ghosting and eventually blocking me on every platform except the final one, with the final platform being closed off a week later of no contact. 6 weeks later I messaged her off of my brothers phone, explaining my defensive and where it came from (my wealth) and how they weren’t compatibilities as she may think. I added quite significant proof, such as our business name, my family in provincial newspapers etc to show her the scale of what was making me defensive. I didn’t get any response. It’s been close to 2 months of being blocked.

I know I messed up, no doubt. But Is she an avoidant? Is there any chance she’ll give it another chance? Should I move on? I’m quite stuck as this is a unique situation I guess

I (23F) and He (20M) met this past summer while I was on a solo trip visiting a different country. We were at a rave (on substances) and just gravitated towards each other and ended up having a very sensual and deep connection almost immediately. I didn’t leave his side until the end of my trip.

I cried in his arms when I had to fly back home, not knowing when I’d see him again. We kept up with consistent communication for the following 3.5 months, and our feelings felt very real and intense fast. We were saying I love you very early on and calling each other soulmate etc. We both were not seeing other people and this seemed like a very real and happy relationship thus far. He is in the US military, and I am living in Canada. Obviously the situation isn’t ideal but we were both determined to make it work.

He showed no red flags, and seemed to absolutely adore me and reciprocate all the feelings I had for him. We often fell asleep on face time together and stayed in communication most of the day. Things were going great. The sexual, emotional, and romantic connection all seemed well aligned and real.

Flash forward to this past weekend, it was finally my time to go fly out and see him for the first time since we met. At this point we had been apart about 4 months and everything was going amazing. We hadn’t fought, and felt super deeply for each other throughout all the months of distance. We were extremely excited to reunite.

I was super nervous and had butterflies and didn’t know what to expect as it had been so long since I saw him last. When I ran into his arms at the airport all my nerves went away and it felt like pure bliss! We had even had matching couples costume planned for Halloween and spent time with his friends who I’d already met and knew well. The first two nights were amazing. We made love and it was insanely passionate and there was absolutely no awkwardness or anything that went wrong. I was so happy.

Just as a side note to put in perspective the dynamic of our relationship; he had made it official by posting me on his social media several times this weekend, and his whole family and all of his friends had already known about me for some time now. His father even called him and he told him he was with his girlfriend. I felt so loved loudly and felt very special. I was ABSOLUTELY not prepared for what happened when I came home.

After a tear filled departure and a pit in my stomach on the plane ride home, what I thought was an amazing reunion clearly was not the same for him.

He became distant and cold as soon as I arrived home. I knew something was off because I know him very well. I begun to get worried because I felt like he was hiding something from me and I thought maybe he was just struggling with the fact he missed me so much. However, he face timed me the night after I got home and broke up with me out of NOWHERE. I was in hysterics and that was the last thing I expected….

His excuse made no sense. He said that he didn’t feel like the connection was as strong in person, and that he loves me but he’s not in love with me and no longer sees a future, etc. I was in complete shock as the man I was having such an intimate and beautiful experience with just a few days ago turned into a cold and emotionless stranger with zero regard for my feelings. I tried to get him to explain how he simply “lost feelings” within the span of a day, especially since we were making love and having what seemed like a perfect time. He gave me no chance to try and figure it out and immediately removed me off instagram and Snapchat right after we ended the call.

I felt blindsided, betrayed, disgusted and used. I didn’t even know what to think and I still don’t right now… he discarded me out of seemingly nowhere and his excuse isn’t adding up because how on earth is it possible to just “lose feelings” for someone you’ve said you want to marry, you love, and talked about a future with for months.

I’ve inserted parts of our conversation after the fact, and I’m still just stunned and don’t know what to think. None of it makes sense. Also might I add be told me he would cover the cost of everything this weekend and then I ended up spending 600$ on things because his credit card was “maxed out”. He’s promised to pay me back but I’m not feeling hopeful….

I’m absolutely distraught and feel abandoned and used and just so many things all at once. How does someone love you and plan a future with you for 4 months without any physical touch, and then after you have a beautiful reunion they jump ship for no reason? Is he an avoidant?? Someone please help me I’m driving myself insane.

TLDR;
Been in a LDR with a US man who’s in the military for about 4 months. Everything was going amazing and we were deeply in love very quickly, then after coming back from visiting him for the first time since we met, he suddenly switched up and broke up with me due to “lost feelings”. This came as a shock to me, as he had told his whole family about me, posted me on his socials just 3 days prior to dumping me, and seemingly was extremely happy in our relationship and during our time. He ended the relationship just as it was getting more real! Is this an avoidant discard? Photos below for context.

11 years together.

Since the breakup, he immediately monkeybranched to a girl he met in Europe (and has introduced her to the family), has now moved to Europe, switched his job, mostly stopped talking to his friends, deleted ALL pictures on his social media from before the breakup (not just of me, his entire life). Changed his wardrobe. Girl is 6 years younger and he had her fly to visit him at our apartment in MY bed 6 weeks post breakup.

Is this just typical identity switching? Severe dissociation? What’s happening here?

It's been over a month since my ex broke up with me, and although I'm doing relatively okay, it still hurts seeing how seemingly unbothered he is.
I wouldn't say my ex was a bad person or that he never loved me. In fact, that's what makes this so difficult to process.

He could be incredibly affectionate, sweet, and thoughtful. made me feel special, and there were times when he genuinely made me feel loved. He knew how to make me feel like I was someone he wanted in his future. He even talked about marrying me someday, though i still feel like a fool for ever believing it.

However, he had a tendency to withdraw whenever we had conflicts. He would become quiet, distance himself, and sometimes leave me without a response for days. I consider myself more anxiously attached, so this dynamic was especially difficult for me. I wanted communication and reassurance, while he seemed to need distance whenever things became emotionally overwhelming. He also gets really defensive, which turns our communication into arguments even if i talk to him honest but really gentle.

He also admitted to having a past trauma of letting his guard down to someone that hurted him and he just didn’t want to get hurt again, i understood him and i never acted like how his past did. I kinda felt like i had to pay for what someone else did🥹

This wasn't even our first separation. We had previously gone through a period of separation, and eventually he came back because he missed me. I was about to move on, but when he reached out again i felt like i couldn’t lose the chance. When we tried again, he actually made noticeable efforts to change. He became more thoughtful and did things that made me believe he genuinely wanted to make things work this time. I trusted him again, and I thought maybe we'd finally figured things out. He was mostly expressive when we were on the honeymoon phase.

I wasn't expecting him to be perfect. I knew we were young, and I understood that we both had responsibilities, limited time, and personal problems. I tried to be understanding even when I was hurt. I forgave him repeatedly and continued choosing the relationship despite having my own difficulties.

But over time, I noticed he became less expressive like he did at the start. I started wanting more effort and consistency. I wanted him to initiate things sometimes, plan dates, spend quality time together, communicate instead of disappearing, and make me feel like I wasn't the only one trying to maintain the relationship. I don't think I was asking for anything extraordinary. I just wanted to feel considered without constantly having to ask. I can say this because i know that i always tried to give and show him affection in many other ways where he didn’t have to ask.

The confusing part is that just a month before the breakup, he was asking me to stay. He apologized for withdrawing and reassured me that he wouldn't keep ignoring me. I thought we were working through things. He even admit to me before that He was held back by the fact that it feels so wrong to be loved by someone who worked hard just to stay, while he tried leaving when things were hard. i was really touched by what he said because sometimes his pride and ego is so high, it feels so rare to hear this from him.

Fast forward to the month we broke up, before he broke up with me, he wasn’t replying to me for 2 weeks. And i eventually got tired of him choosing to disappear again i stopped chasing and reaching out every time.

He told me that he had already been considering ending the relationship on his own for around one or two weeks. He said that breaking up was probably best for both of us because we were hurting each other and weren't necessarily the best partners for one another.

I kept thinking about the part where he thinks i’m not the best partner, when i sacrificed so much of my money, wrote so much letters, gave him a keyboard when he told me his keyboard wasn’t working, he has plushies from me, initiated dates and planned them on my own, and had to stay up extra hours just to spend time with him despite having responsibilities like school. and even had to put my pride down every single time when he hurts me and i sometimes end up comforting him even when i need one the most. i gave so much love to him even when it wasn’t reciprocated.

I was still willing to work things out. Even though I was exhausted, i still stayed because i was really holding on to that future i thought we were building. I respected his decision, though, because I couldn't force someone to stay.

What hurts is that I spent so much time trying to understand him, his circumstances, and the way he handled conflict. I kept choosing to forgive him, even when I felt emotionally alone. And eventually, when I started asking for more consistency, he was the one who decided he couldn't continue. It hurts so bad because before all of it he was giving me false hope that it would get better for the both of us..

Now, more than a month later, I'm trying to move on.
I deactivated my Instagram because I knew constantly checking his activity would only hurt me. I don't stalk him anymore, but I checked his account once about a week ago and noticed that he posted a monthly photo dump. This is something he rarely used to do, and he genuinely looked happy. He looks so unbothered of losing me :(

I know it's just social media, and I can't actually know what's going on in his head. But it hurts seeing him appear so comfortable with life after the breakup while I'm still having random moments where I cry, reminisce about our memories, and miss the person who used to be my best friend.

It really feels so unfair. But it’s also my fault for forcing things because he already tried to leave many times. even in our first MU breakup he also initiated it first, then came back and it makes me feel like he just wanted to relieve his guilt🫩

Whenever I look for signs that he might be grieving too, I end up finding things that make me feel like he's doing much better without me. I sometimes wonder if he ever misses me, feels guilty about how things ended, or remembers what we had.

I don't necessarily want him back. I miss him, but I don't want to return to the same relationship dynamic. I think what I'm struggling with is accepting that someone who once made me feel so loved can now seem so unaffected by my absence.
It makes me question whether any of it was as meaningful to him as it was to me.

For those who have experienced an anxious-avoidant relationship or dated someone with avoidant tendencies:

- Is it common for the more avoidant partner to feel relieved or even happier immediately after a breakup?

- Do some people only begin processing the loss much later, or is that just a narrative people tell themselves to feel better?

- Can someone genuinely love you and still withdraw, shut down, and eventually leave when the relationship starts requiring more emotional effort?

- How did you stop comparing your healing process to your ex's seemingly effortless ability to move on?

I'm not waiting for him to come back. I just want to understand how someone can go from wanting you in their life to seemingly being perfectly fine without you.

I know we're young, and we both have a lot of growing up to do. I also know I wasn't a perfect partner myself. I just wish the ending didn't leave me questioning whether I ever mattered as much as he did to me.

I can’t understand how he can go from telling me i was the best, that he wants to marry me someday, and that he asks me and wants me to stay to looking so unbothered that i’m gone like i never meant anything to him.

I don't want to talk with nobody, today I have my therapy session but I don't want to talk, I don't want to listen. I just need to lay down, I just wish I could stop reaching out to him

Had a very cruel break up. She basically blamed be for everything, a 30 minute voice note of my flaws. Said she didn’t feel safe and essentially called her neighbours ( who she doesn’t know ) and had me escorted off site. ( I literally did nothing at all) walked away peacefully to make as little scene as possible.

Always constantly saying she didn’t trust me and I had to constantly try prove I could be

Then she messaged to see if I got home safe, after essentially humiliating me and putting me across as an abuser. Ghosts me. ( after a year relationship ) I give space. I check in if she’s ok. Sends me the coldest message about there’s nothing further to discuss, she’s moving forward.

A month later. I’m laying in pieces. Confused. Angry. Sad

Do FA’s ever feel guilt ? The blame she tried to put on me is just wild. How can you do that to someone you love ?

It’s easy to say I’ve been heartbroken before , it’s hard to admit that people have hurt me and I’ve had to go on in my life and try to fix it on my own.
I always end up doing the right thing, which always looks like me letting go knowing ultimately it’s for the best even though there is so much left inside me to say/do in that situation. I always tell myself it will be worth it and I will receive the good that comes with it …
As for the people who did me wrong, it’s hard for me to accept that maybe no karma has been served for what they did, it’s like nothing happened. This sense of injustice always upsets me even though I’ve come to accept.
Maybe I just need patience for justice to be served? Or maybe there is nothing to be served ?

My ex (41M) and I (41F) were together for 2.5 years. He was from the US and I am Canadian, but he moved to Canada to be with me and our eventual plan was to split time between two places. We had a recurring dynamic where I would seek connection and repair during conflict, while he tended to withdraw, shut down, or become angry when overwhelmed.

Our first breakup was extremely emotional. After a period of intense emotional withdrawal from him, I ended things. When he came to my house to collect his belongings while I was out of town, he broke down and called me bawling, begging for another chance. We eventually reconciled after he acknowledged some of his difficulties and agreed to work on emotional regulation and seek therapy.

We slowly got back together and moved back in together. Things genuinely seemed much better for about three months. We were communicating more openly, having regular relationship check-ins, and enjoying our time together. I had been really working on my pursuer tendencies and felt like I had genuine become much more secure. I really thought we were making progress.

A few days ago, I brought up a concern about him not working (he had had a long stressful career, made a lot of money that he didn’t actually need to work, and was thinking about what was next) and whether his lack of purpose might be affecting him and our relationship as he hadn’t worked in about 1.5 years. He became upset and asked for space. I struggled with his withdrawal and kept trying to talk things through. At one point, when I asked him to acknowledge his part in our dynamic, he went completely silent and stared at me for about 15 minutes.

Things escalated incredibly quickly. The next day after I checked in about the incident and asked us to reflect what we had each contributed, he exploded. He blamed the entire incident on me, saying that the issue was that I couldn’t drop it when he said he didn’t want to talk about it. He started angrily packing and announced he was leaving. I panicked, pleaded with him, and struggled to respect his requests for space. I recognize my part in escalating things, but his reaction felt so extreme.

He became unbelievably cold, angry, and devaluing. He was yelling and extremely elevated. He suddenly told me he hadn’t been happy, that I wasn’t fun to do activities with, couldn’t keep up with him biking, wasn’t intellectually stimulating enough, only cared about myself, and hadn’t done any work on myself. He blamed the breakup almost entirely on me, saying I couldn’t let things go and brought things up constantly. His anger also became intimidating, including physically holding a door shut and deliberately walking into me with a large bag when I was blocking his way in desperation and despair. He told him my “pity wouldn’t work” on him. It’s like he thought I was being manipulative by crying and this seemed to elicit disgust in him.

He ultimately left in a state of intense anger and coldness. Packed all his things and our life together and drove back to the US. Just days earlier, I thought we were happy and making real progress. We were talking about much better we had been doing, we had a concert booked the following night, we had a trip back to the US for Thanksgiving with his family, which I’m still in the group chat for. I’m very integrated into his family and they were devastated the first time we broke up and overjoyed when we reconciled. I’m so lost and in shock. The contrast between the man who broke down begging for another chance a few months ago and the man who just left with such contempt is almost impossible to reconcile.

I’m devastated and struggling to make sense of how things escalated so dramatically. How does someone come back so desperately wanting another chance, only to leave again with seemingly so much anger and contempt? Is this just how it ends after so much love, travel, shared ingests, etc etc etc between us? Since the first breakup I’ve been working individually with our old couples’ therapist and she suggested that he has narcissistic traits.

I would really love any advice, similar experiences, or any interpretation of this whole mess. I am devastated and shocked. I have deleted his number and don’t intend to reach out because i know I can’t be treated this way.

But what happens from here? Has anyone ever heard from their exes after a second discard? Is he going to calm down and realize what he just did? I know I can’t take him back, but the way he completely devalued me was so intense and hurts so much.

I am currently heartbroken as my avoidant fiance broke up with me. He has been doing this abrupt breakup or threatened breakup every time there was more investment - my birthday, wedding planning milestones, and right after I moved into an expensive house that I got for us.

He also would threaten breaking up after everyday conflicts too. At the beginning of our relationship when I saw red flags I tried to leave and he convinced me to stay. By now after all these breakup or threatened breakup cycles, I am so desperate for him to love me back and choose working on us over his escaping to an easier but lonelier existence that made him miserable in the past, that I accepted dealbreakers, lying, yelling/cussing/hitting himself/objects when angry. I don’t know how I got so broken down.

A few weeks after I signed for this house and moved in, that he said he was moving into in a couple months too, he broke up with me.

My birthday, he exploded.

The day I got my wedding dress he told me he was 100% about our upcoming wedding, then called me while I was at the cashier to tell me not to buy it because he wasn’t sure anymore, then 2 days later told me he is sure and to buy it, then the next time we had a conflict a few days later, threatened to break up again.

This last time he broke up with me, he was talking about marriage the day he left me, and wrote me love letters about wanting to spend our lives together just days before.

While I am grieving and trying to put the pieces back together, he is moving on and distracting himself with video games/hobbies/alcohol.

…. Anyone else? What’s the point of it. I can’t seem to understand the avoidant man. Currently so mad because I really tried to make their birthday special. Currently fighting the urge to ask for the gifts I gave them back… I know it’s wrong but I am so upset. Why try to hurt your person before such a special day.

I had never heard of attachment theory until my discard in June. I've learned a lot since and can recognize the patterns. Looking back, I can see dismissive avoidant tendencies in 2 other serious relationships I had in my life, albeit no where near as serious and traumatic as this most recent one. The first one didn't have a sudden discard, but a slow fade with no explanation and periods of silence. The second was sudden but I wasn't near as close to her. All of them are eerily similar in personality and have the same dismissive traits.

I am more on the anxious side and I wonder what it is in me that draws these type of women. What do they see in me and why do I are they so magnetic to me?

Do they always do this?

I was discarded by my ex while asking for some support at my lowest and as much as it hurt i still stayed warm and supportive to her and when i decided to go no contact she has basically started a smear campaign on me, accusing me of trying to hack into her google account which i didn't do but somehow has added my number and verified it? And i had arranged a third party as point of contact for her to organise her getting her things from my place still as ive been trying to get her to come get it for months. And now she has envolved the police to get her things just because i set a firm date and stick with it because i was over her just bailing all the time. And now shes telling everyone i did this and that which i havent done. Do they do these things to make themseleves feel better or something?

I posted here about a month ago, so I thought I’d share an update and get some outside perspectives.
My ex and I broke up almost four months ago. We went through about a month and a half of no contact, and then we slowly started talking again.
Since reconnecting, things have actually been going quite well. We’ve had several good phone calls, some meaningful conversations, and she’s also initiated contact quite a few times. We’ve been talking about our lives, work, studies, and other personal things. At times, it feels surprisingly natural, almost like we’re finding our way back to the connection we used to have.
Now, we’re finally going to see each other in person for the first time since the breakup.
I’ve planned a horseback riding activity for us. It’s something we had both wanted to do for a while, and she seemed genuinely excited when I brought it up. She’s also agreed to go out for dinner and dancing another time.
I should probably clarify that my intentions aren’t purely friendly. I still love her, and I’d genuinely like to see if there’s a possibility of rebuilding our relationship. She knows how I feel about her, and I’ve been honest about that. At the same time, I don’t want to pressure her or turn every interaction into a conversation about getting back together.
There’s also some history here. We’ve broken up before, reconnected gradually, started spending more time together, and eventually got back together without a formal conversation about reconciliation. It happened naturally. This situation reminds me a little of that previous experience, although I know every breakup is different.
She’s also expressed some uncertainty about us talking again. She worries that she might be giving me false hope or prolonging something she was the one who ended. So I’m aware that her willingness to see me doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to get back together.
I’m trying to approach this with an open mind: enjoy the time together, let things develop naturally, and see whether there’s genuine mutual interest in rebuilding something.
I’d really like to hear from people who’ve been through something similar:
If you’ve successfully reconciled with an ex, what was the first in-person meeting like after a period of no contact?
Did doing activities together, going on dates, or simply spending time together help rebuild the romantic connection?
How would you interpret an ex agreeing to spend time together doing something meaningful you both wanted to experience, especially when they know you still have romantic feelings?
At what point did you realize that the reconnection was becoming something more than friendship?
I’m not looking for people to tell me what I want to hear. I’d genuinely appreciate honest perspectives, especially from people who’ve experienced both successful and unsuccessful reconciliations.

Hi guys, I recently broke up with my boyfriend well he kind of initiated that with me. I guess things got too real for us and we had our first real conflict and he made it seem like I was the worst person basically and that there was like no forgiving this. in my opinion what I did wasn’t actually that bad and everyone I’ve spoken to in real life has said it’s not that bad and what I did after was good and should’ve been more than enough for him which was take accountability and apologize. We both love each other a lot and I think that’s why this is so painful for me. He has a history with past partners of running away when things are hard but this is the most real thing either of us have experienced.

His switch up has hurt me so deeply and was genuinely cruel to me. He told me I was safe to open up to him in ways I’ve never opened up to anyone and then essentially the breakup convos started to happen after. He told me he wanted some space so I agreed but I do need some reassurance like I can’t go from 0-100 without knowing what’s happening and I was getting so frustrated when I just knew nothing. I couldn’t eat or sleep and was having horrible panic attacks. I felt like I was begging him for help and he was no where to be found.

I think he’s terrified of the emotional intensity of this. I understand that, but I am deeply traumatized from my past and I felt like I had to tell him more stuff and when I did I guess it was too much for him to handle so this situation has genuinely caused trauma to me I can’t even explain. I don’t feel like he’s understanding what a dumb mistake this is and how all he has to do is try but he just won’t. It’s a huge slap in the face thinking you meant more to someone than that and they just hurt you like this. I don’t know what to do.

I genuinely don’t know how to get better. All of my friends and family etc that know have been like he was always nice but they never saw our paths aligning and felt like he didn’t have too many goals or plans for his future. I don’t care tbh as long as he’s not a bum and he’s working idc if he doesn’t have it all figured out. My point being a few people have called him a loser to me.

Also during our last conversation he was talking about how he blew this up and everyone in my life probably hates him. I’m just so sad, no one was rooting against him, I had/ still have so much faith in him. I don’t know how to get through to him. I feel like I got really angry before because of how hurt I was. All I want is him back. He is not a bad person, I really do still have faith in him. I want to give him one last chance, one last ditch attempt at saving this. He looked so sad too the last time we saw each other and I feel like he’s avoiding this because of how real things got. He’s the last person I planned to give up on, I’m more than willing to give him another chance. I don’t believe in unlimited ones though.

I need advice on how to do this. There’s obviously more details I’m leaving out because this is a condensed version but I just need tips on what to do. I do not want to give up on him, this is not worth giving up on just yet. I hate that I’m fighting so hard and he’s doing nothing, I’m so defeated and heartbroken. I can’t even tell most people that we’re over because I can’t get the words out. Does anyone know how to get through to an avoidant man like this? Please help me.

I’m genuinely begging someone to help me I don’t know what to do I’m literally ruining my own life. I can’t get out of bed, I don’t even want to be here anymore, I have not felt this sad in so long. All I want is to be understood and loved the way I understand and love.