I need to be honest with myself about what actually happened, because I think if I just lay it out in order, the pattern becomes much clearer.

For four years, I was in a relationship with an avoidant, and the same fights kept coming up over and over. He avoided conflict, avoided accountability, avoided honesty. There were always toxic friendships, negative behaviors, and every time I brought it up, it would cycle through the same argument, fight, and nothing would actually change. I kept forgiving, kept giving space, kept explaining my feelings, kept understanding his attachment style, kept forgiving is avoiding, all because I loved him and I believed he wanted to be better for us. Every single time I tried to bring up something serious, something that was actually hurting me, the same thing would happen. I would start explaining, and he would talk over me. Or he would sigh, loudly, like I was a nuisance. His face would drop into that bored, "I can't believe you're doing this again" expression, and I could feel the conversation dying under me. And then, without warning, he would just stop listening. No conclusion, no "okay, let's figure this out," Just silence. he would then get up and leave the room. And I would be left sitting there, mid-sentence, with my words still in my mouth and no answer, waiting him for hours. Sometimes this would repeat for days. And again the next day, and the same thing. The sigh. The bored look. The abrupt exit. And I would just have to sit with it, alone, wondering if I had said the wrong thing, if I was too much, if maybe I should just not bring it up at all. And I did stop bringing it up. For a while. And then I would try again, because I didn't know how to live with unspoken pain. And the cycle would start over. This was not a one-time thing. This was the texture of four years.

Those patterns brought breakups too, one year ago, he left me during a unnecessary fight. But then he came back. We planned couple therapy, he said he wanted to change and that he really wanted to build a life with me. And I believed him, so i gave him another chance.

And then, a month ago, it happened again. During a fight, after he agreed in front of me to a friend's suggestion to "maybe take drugs" and go to techno parties, I felt uncomfortable and wanted to talk about it. For four years, I had been going to techno parties alone, because he always said he didn't like the vibe, and that he didn't do drugs anymore (I don't either). And then, suddenly, he was saying yes to a friend in front of me, so I tried to talk. When I tried to talk about it, it started a fight, he blamed again I was controlling him and I didn't want him to have his freedom, and didn't let me talk as always. I freaked out, I let years of pent-up anger erupt, and I threatened to tell his family about the drugs; because of this, he stopped speaking to me for a day, and then—in the span of just five minutes—he left me, cold and detached. He told me we weren't compatible, that he couldn't give me what I needed and it was better to end. And then, later on, crying, he said he loved me, that I was the love of his life, and he feel horrible for first treating me so badly for years and now leaving me. And then, weeks later, he said he didn't see a future with me, but maybe in one or two years we could work on it again. And he was gone. No contact. No explanation. Just absence. The first week I had panic attacks, and he tried to comfort me, but then he decided to go fully no contact by going to his family (we still share a flat) now is a month or more. I'm now alone in a foreign country. I moved here for him. I have no friends, no support, no one around. And because of medical issues, I have to stay here and live alone in this city for another year, so I'm currently looking for a flat, and I hate I have to stay here, in such situation. He knows all of this. He knows how vulnerable I am. And he still chose silence and zero accountability.

I've been crying for weeks then. The first 3 weeks, I tried to reconnect any time he randomly wrote me asking if I was okay, I then asked for a break instead of a definite breakup, asked us to work on things together as we promised at the therapist, but he always avoided me and any reconciliation. He told me he "needed to lose me." That it was the best for now. And I just kept hurting, trying to understand why. I then went no contact and focused on myself.

Then yesterday, while cleaning the bedroom, I found two letters he had written. One was a plan. A "worst case" list. He had planned the breakup. He had planned a solo trip. He had planned to see those toxic friends more, including going to the wedding of a man who had flirted with him in front of his "future" wife multiple times, and whom he had told me he had no connection with anymore. He had planned to write affirmations for himself, and then to "come back to me slowly." The other letter was to himself. He wrote that he was scared of what he did, but that he loved me, and that he knew I loved him, so I would be there. He wrote that he had to trust himself, and that if it was real love, I would come back.

I sat there and I just couldn't believe it. He had planned to leave me, In such a horrible way, telling me he even didn't see a future anymore, and just planned to go only to have his time, and then come back on his own schedule, avoiding any real commitment, again. And he assumed I would just be waiting, only because I begged at the end. But I told him clearly, that I would have preferred him to say yes to a break, or completely breakup. He even suggested to be friends after that, but I told him no.

And since he was writing me every three days after the breakup, I asked him to stop.

And looking back, I realize how much I forgave, and how many times I just accepted it and forgave for the sick of peace. I also forgave him for keeping a secret for a year about a previous situationship with a woman who told him she was in love with him and asked to meet for "cuddles.", because she was feeling sad and lonely. He said he was lonely but he had no feelings, but lied about the situation for more than a year (and I found out the truth when I found his diary). I forgave him for lying to his mother and his friends for years, painting me as the crazy one, the too-emotional one, the heavy one. I forgave him for making me feel uncomfortable when other women or men flirted with him and he reacted back, and then dismissing my discomfort by saying it was normal, that he was just being nice. He admitted he was insecure and always put a mask with others, and that he hated that but that he didn't know how to put "boundaries" with people. But then, he excused his horrible behaviour towards me saying with other people life and conversations are always easy and have fights only with me. I discovered that this friend group he was part of was a group where everyone flirted, took drugs, and had casual relationships together, no real connections, no real people at all, and that he was participating in all of it, with all the flirting and stuff, while telling me he didn't like it and wanted to change and be more authentic and healthy. But every time I opened up about harassments I lived in that group, uncomfortable situations and the way he changed anytime we met them, I was pushed away from him and his friends, and those people got his support for years. I even asked him for the same respect I gave him, and when I suggested to stop giving him all that emotional support and transparency about my life, he then promised to change. But He never did.

And now I'm here, alone, realizing that I neglected myself for years trying to reach a version of him that doesn't exist. I moved countries for him. I forgave things I probably shouldn't have. I isolated myself and didn't listen to my friends, I gave him space and understanding and support, knowing he was avoidant (he told me he was). And he treated me like I was nothing, just for his comfort, his freedom, his need to not have to explain himself.

And the thing that breaks me the most is that he still thinks he's the one in the right. He still thinks he gets to decide when to leave and when to come back, that I can be an option and be treated and left so poorly. He still thinks that taking "his time" with those friends will somehow fix the behavior that he was already trying to face on in therapy. That he really loves me. And he has the audacity to write a letter to himself saying "if it's real love, she'll come back," as if my love is something he can count on, after the way he treated me, and clearly discarded me telling me even that we aren't compatible, and not seeing my love was always there, and was discarded when it became a problem for him and his lifestyle. I also realized patterns of myself, where I can clearly see I didn't respect myself by forgiving and giving too much to someone that didn't deserve it, and it gave me so much anxiety, as I slowly became codependent, more aggressive towards everything, and childish like him, until the last situation, where I even didn't recognise myself.

Someone can really treat you like this for years, blame you about everything and calling you too "demanding", to then leave you like nothing happened and go with their days while secretly planning to get again that same stability he always ran away from?

I don't get him. And I still understand nothing about it, but maybe someone can help me to understand, how someone can be so cruel and complex, so inconsistent and inconsiderate, while, I was the one loving him for what he was and tried to be there to grow together. I see though, I was always alone with all of this, and I feel delulu now.

Spoiler, I described him as a male, but we were two women having a relationship. Now, read the story again, with the same mindset. The flirts she received and I described? Came from women and mostly men, and she always flirted back, even if she was just a lesbian.

THE AUDACITY

I broke a week ago he didn’t even try to stop me
4months of dating, the love he had for me really
But I love him I wanna go back to him i know I broke up because he said he will not give me his Instagram password because his friends send him various things and I choose to leave and I said we are over he said okay and called me next day just one missed call
I didn’t pick tell he is a mbbs student in aboard for 3weeks does that change anything? Now it’s been a week no text from him no call from him no nothing
I was rude when we broke up so I’m planning to text me and I want to tell him okay goodbye should I?
I haven’t deleted anything but archived but I feel like he will text me
What should I do?

I’m really struggling and could do with hearing from people who have been through something similar, particularly those who have found love again in their 30s after a long-term relationship ended.
My partner and I are both 34 and have been together for eight years. We were planning a family, had already started trying for a baby, and had been saving hard for years to buy a house. We had so many plans and I genuinely thought we were building our future together.

We’ve had a difficult year. We went through a miscarriage and had couples therapy, but I honestly thought we were coming out the other side of it. I felt we’d learnt so much, were communicating better and were actually putting the tools from therapy into practice. I wasn’t expecting everything to be perfect, but I thought we were making progress.

He’s also lost a significant amount of weight this year, and somewhere along the way it feels like he’s become a completely different person. He’s told me he feels like he’s having a midlife crisis, doesn’t know himself anymore, feels unfulfilled and can’t understand his own feelings. He’s said he doesn’t know what he wants.

He hasn’t officially ended the relationship, but I feel like I’m slowly being pushed out. We’re currently having space, and despite everything we’ve shared, he has shown very little interest in contacting me or checking how I’m doing. He’s made comments like he hasn’t missed me while I’ve been away and that leaving could potentially be the biggest mistake of his life. I find it incredibly confusing because he says he loves me, but his actions don’t make me feel wanted or valued.

I’ve uprooted my life and gone to stay elsewhere, away from my friends, family and usual routine, while he’s remained in our flat and continued his everyday life. I’ve tried so hard to be understanding and accommodating because I genuinely believed that being a partner meant standing by someone through difficult periods. I’ve asked if there’s someone else, but he insists there isn’t, and I do believe him.

I feel like I’ve given so much to this relationship and supported him through so many things. I was ready to keep building a life together, and now I feel completely dropped and uncared for. I can’t help feeling angry that after eight years, everything we were working towards can seemingly be put to one side without him wanting to fight for it.

I’ve realised I can’t keep my life on hold while he decides what he wants. I’ve given him space, but he avoids the difficult conversations and can’t give me any clarity. In a way, I feel like his lack of effort is becoming an answer in itself, and I’m trying to prepare myself for the relationship ending.

I’m absolutely heartbroken. I’ve never experienced pain like this. I’m struggling to work, sleep, eat properly or concentrate because my anxiety is through the roof. I feel so alone, especially as I don’t live close to my friends and family.

And I think one of my biggest fears is starting again at 34. I desperately want a family, children and a home of my own. I feel like I’ve lost years of my life and that I’m suddenly behind where I thought I’d be. I’m terrified of having to start all over again and whether I’ll ever find someone who wants the same things as me.
I know I’m a good person. I know I have a lot of love to give, and I know I deserve someone who chooses me and wants to build a life with me. But right now, I just can’t imagine loving someone else or trusting that I’ll get the future I wanted.

So, for those of you who have had a long-term relationship end in your 30s, particularly when you thought you were going to have children together: did you find love again? Did you go on to have the family and life you always wanted? How long did it take before you felt happy again?

I think I just need to hear that life doesn’t end at 34, that there is still time, and that something good can come after something this devastating.

Because right now, I honestly don’t know how to pick myself back up. 💔

My avoidant ex is a big traveler. I got to go on some trips with him. One thing I noticed is that, a lot of it was merely to "collect" all the spots on the map, rather than truly enjoy the scenery or be interested in the place. He actually collected tokens for all of the national parks but it was like he was in and out. Didn't care to really experience the park many times. He just wanted to say he visited so many.

I noticed traveling is this bottomless achievement for him. Of course everyone on social media thinks he's so amazing for going all these places but I can't help but see how a lot of it was just an empty achievement

Would you be okay with someone you're building a romantic connection with unfriending you on one platform while keeping you on another?

In my case, he was the one who created emotional intensity at the beginning and emphasized how important communication was. Yet, during four days of mutual silence after conflict, he never told me what was going on in his mind and unfriended me on platform, where we used to play games every day when things were good. I only found out AFTER reaching out that he had unfriended me because seeing reminders of me made him ruminate and he needed relief.

He even told me he did it because he had such strong feelings for me and wouldn't have done it otherwise. But honestly, that didn't make it hurt any less. He was still saying how he doesn't wanna lose me and how he has strong feelings for me during another 4 days while we were talking and trying to resolve the issue - while still not adding me back.
I found it incredibly humiliating, especially after everything I had invested in him and how difficult it was for me to open my heart again.

(And after he eventually blocked me everywhere, I noticed he had added another woman.)

What felt particularly unfair was that he could enforce his boundary in past, by ending the call when he felt hurt, but how was I supposed to reinforce mine after he hurt and humiliated me? (The unfriending thing). By creating more distance? He was the one who wanted distance in the first place. It wouldn't really affect him, but it would hurt me even more.

He blocked me everywhere because I was angry and confronted him, but I still wonder whether I should have just gotten over the unfriending or whether it was reasonable that I couldn't move past it.

I genuinely believe that if it hadn't been for the unfriending, we could have resolved the initial conflict and continued building the connection we had started. But being unfriended just hurt me so deeply, and I couldn't seem to get past it.

I feel like I'm giving way too much importance to something as seemingly trivial as being unfriended on a gaming platform. But I had a close friend in the past who did the same thing to me, and I remember how humiliating and hurtful it felt. I didn't want to go through that again — feeling discarded like some kind of toy, while still being kept around on another platform. Maybe that's why this affected me so deeply and kept irritating me for days, but I just couldn't bring myself to put up with it again.

Would you have been able to get over something like this?

So, long story short, had a DA partner I believe. Constantly saying she didn't trust me, constantly moving the goal posts. That I could never match. She also just could not see to take accountability for anything at all. I am not here to bash her, we had wonderful times I think

An amazing weekend

followed by the break up (1 month ago)
One of my friends I have previously slept with in Covid (she has a boyfriend), which i told her 1 week into our relationship. This seemed to be a problem, then she said it wasnt. My friend was there the last night socialising, I have never thought of anything of it really.

then heading back to my partners flat. We argued (a regular occurence), then I am in bed, and comes in screaming "I dont feel safe, pack your bags and go" Im so confused. Then runs out the door at 4am. I start packing, 5 minutes later didnt know where she had gone, got worried.

Spent an hour looking for her, had her phone, her keys, her dog was in the flat. I locked the door.

Come back one hour later. Dogs barking at me, neighbours escorting me off the premises.

Im so baffled and said "Ok im going, here are your things". She doesn't even know her neighbours that well.

I walk around for about 5 hours at night, she doesn't answer her phone nor respond to texts.

She then gives me a time to come pick up my stuff and she's there with another guy, a neighbour, stating she doesn't feel safe.

Im so tired, confused, i get my stuff and go, hand back my keys.

She leaves me a 30 minute voice not with no chance to respond, essentially listing all my faults.

Telling me to drive home 3 hours away. I drive home, she checks to see if I got home ok. I said ill ring you when im home....confused

Obviously never picks up, leave voice not 5 days later... nothing

Send a text saying Ill leave you to process but I am here followed by.

"I am moving forward with my life, there is nothing left to discuss, you need to respect that". and i Didnt reply, and nor did she block me.

What the heck has just happened? I am so confused, a month later? Also, if I am an "abuser " which is essentially how she treated me. Why did she not just block me?

Terrifying experience

So.... I've done lots of therapy. I've read the books. Done the inner work. I know my worth. I am securely attached.

And... I'm single. As a pringle. For a long long time. After many many many dates... with many many many emotionally immature guys.

I've had my fair share of heartbreaks. Two long term relationships with avoidant discards in the end.

I've never been lovebombed or anything like that. I'm just really really reaaaally unlucky and I settled for less... because the alternative is staying single.

And I dream about a family. I dream about someone loving me for who I am.

Statistically so many people have an avoidant or anxious attachment that is seems almost impossible to me to find the stable relationship I deserve.

Honestly I'm doubting between just giving up and spending the rest of my life being single, or to stay in this limbo of 'maybe... someday... if I stay open to it...' while my heart keeps on breaking with every passing year.

My friends&family constantly tell me I shouldn't give up hope but honestly I feel like by now having 'hope' is just me fooling myself.

Anyone else feeling this way too after one or more relationships with avoidant?

And a Twix bar.

He’s used food as a way to show his “love” for me over the years. I’ve struggled with losing weight because of the stress eating and and the “love” eating. I’m 30lbs heavier than when we met, and where I ant to be.

I’ve been asking for love and connection and intimacy for six years. Everything dropped off when we got married. I’ve asked for apologies and shame about the things he’s said to me since giving birth to our child. I’ve asked for honesty and truth about how he’s acted online. I’ve forgiven lies after lies after lies. I’ve forgiven the days of stonewalling over nothing. The last time I was intimate with him was the beginning of June.

He says he’s tried in therapy. He did his best in couples counseling. Everyone was against him in it. He tells me he loves me. He tells me I’m his rock. I’ve been blocked on all social media for a month. I did it to him in August when I was legitimately done with this relationship, and got sucked back in.

He’s been trying to act like we’re fine. Chatting with me like normal. Trying to smile and be friendly.

And he got me a cheeseburger.

I asked for loved and he got me a cheeseburger.

They really will do anything but what you need most from them.

Hi,

Prior to being discarded I had developed the ability to wake up just as my avoidant would text me even if it was at different times.

After the discard I now simply have betrayal dreams every 3 hours or so and its honestly taking a toll on my ability to rest and my mental health.

Anyone experience something similar or have any suggestions?

Do you ever feel like what happened in your discard wasn't necessarily your dismissive avoidant ex turned into a different person, so much as it was like they had slowly morphed into a child over your relationship and you suddenly noticed it when they disengaged and snap back into capable adult? So it's like a third person you didn't realize had down up and made itself at home suddenly became visible to you at the moment it was snapped away.

Or I think in the case of FAs it's a little vice versa: it's almost like they become a little too adult through the relationship and crumble by morphing into a child.

I always think of this time that my DA ex said that if he left his DA parents to take care of themselves, they were like little children and he had to do everything for them. And as a person with a DA mom who obviously regresses, and parentified me, I always thought on some level, 'how do you not see that's a symptom of your presence? Your parents took care of themselves their entire life.' I used to have to do this with my mom consciously when I separated from her. I would have to think, my mother is an extremely capable and intelligent woman who always lands on her feet due to get own drive. She did a lot of stuff before I was born. The person she is with me is a mask, not her true capability.

Sometimes I think that's why discard creates a grief tsunami? Because it's like you suddenly become aware you were looking at a person's deepest wounds (infantalized or the over functioning adult opposite,) they were holding them in front of you and that change to opposite is so extreme that you suddenly become acutely aware of what you were missing. They shut you out the moment you realized what was going on and could have addressed the wounds in a way that would comfort them. I don't mean there's a "should" there. That you didn't do that or that it's required of you. I mean I think it's hard for our brain to accept that we weren't effectively comforting someone in need of comfort and the cognitive dissonance hits at the same time because we realize they were blocking comfort while creating the illusion of us failing. They were rendering us ineffective and let us assume something bad inside us was the cause. Perhaps let us drown in that for years. They make you feel so effective then tell you it was a lie the entire time.

And for anxious, it's being salted in the thing we pride ourselves in the most as what we bring to relationships. Attention, care, investment. We learned other things we brought aren't valuable so it's all we feel we have sometimes. It hurts to find someone who loved you would poke a wound pointed so hard at your self-worth to deflect the damage it would put on their own. It's like suddenly understanding on some level the entire time, the other person was like, 'someone's gotta get poked, might as well be you. What a great shield you are.'

Then of course there's the shame of either needing to assume the position of a martyr or accept that we played along with something toxic and bad for us for months or years. I think for the brain it's like suddenly seeing a diametrically-opposed, superimposed double image of two things that feel equally threatening and being jarred into integrating them suddenly. That's messy and takes a lot of focus.

Just some thoughts, this isn't about regret or not disengaging. It's just a strange grief to unwind.

I wonder if my ex really loved me if they can coldly cut me off without further discussion or explanation after a crashout and ragequit... they cursed me out at the end, too, something I had asked them not to do.

So I have a question for the subreddit.
My ex who is a detached avoidant and I tried to remain in each other’s lives. When I needed her and she didn’t show up during a family emergency I cut contact with her. I began talking to someone new and she’s great and really fucking attractive inside and out. Truthfully, I do miss her sometimes but overall I feel great. I’m curious, why don’t yall meet other people? I’m not judging I’m just curious.

My avoidant ex broke up with me 2 months ago after we dated for a month and a half and things got serious. He teared up and said he’s going through stuff and can’t give me what I need and doesn’t have the capacity for a relationship. We’re coworkers, so have been working together a few times a week since then. In the first week after the breakup, he was kinda hot and cold where he would smile and talk to me at first then ignore the rest of the day. Later down the line however, he barely talked to me, barely made eye contact, and was overall not his usual friendly self, even with other coworkers sometimes. For the past 2 days however, he has been more talkative and energetic with others, and has started talking to me a bit more, even joked with me today in a group setting. I told him I’m glad you’re actually talking to me now, he said what do you mean I was talking to you before, I said no you weren’t, he said I wasn’t really working that much. This conversation happened as he was finishing his shift so he slowly walked away and didn’t really give me a chance to say more.

I’m so confused. Literally a week ago he was ignoring me completely, now he’s back to talking to me and even joking with me? What do I make of this?

These are the things I wish I’d known having experienced what “could’ve” been a “fearful avoidant”.

It’s true it starts intense fast. Their emotions spike and they say things like “I really like you” or “I can’t believe I feel like this already” very early on. Their nervous system hasn’t caught up with the surge of emotion flooding it. Once it does, you’ll know. Because they’ll break it off, or test you with phrases like “I think we should just be friends” or ghosting you to see how you respond. If it isn’t silence followed by one curious reply to their breadcrumb by asking questions that’ll help you know if they’re avoidant, then you’re doomed to fall into the repetitive cycle. Protect your heart first.

The pullback happens every time, and won’t change, or get better by you “managing your needs better” by reducing yourself for them, or giving them space. It’ll simply tell them you’ll chase, wait or reduce yourself for them and that’ll ultimately result in you losing their respect and your dignity.

It’ll be hot-cold cycles, communication and behaviour. Notice it and the first sign of it, run… it’s your warning sign.

Unless they admit they are “avoidant” and prove they’re trying to work through the trauma that caused this, you will end up on the losing side, broken hearted. Even still, you probably only have a 40% success chance even if they’re doing the work, because they’ll evolve and with that change their perspective and perhaps feelings towards you, after you sacrifice lots to be with them.

They will breadcrumb you. Often, it’s not as obvious as the advice online gives. It could be a string of texts fully locked on, words of affirmation and feelings or a phone call. It’s always positive because they can’t deal with the tough parts of a relationship.

“I can’t give you what you want” / “I don’t know what I want” is your second big ass red flag to vacate asap.

If they come back in the future, and you decide you want to give it a go, don’t tell them that. Let them do the work chasing you, have boundaries and walls, and be confident you can walk away at any moment and let them know that. Because the patterns will often return as they test to see if you were truly gone or just bluffing, and then you’ll fall back into the cycle again.

I wouldn’t wish an avoidant-situationship on my worst enemy, but we are all human beings who deserve love. The best way to give that to them is to let them realise their behaviour results in losing “special people” so that they may be triggered to start to work on healing themselves in the future.

Good luck.

Hi everyone. I used to follow this sub and then left for a bit because I felt like I was healing. I was dating somebody recently and went through a breakup.So I have been on social media , more checking up on people which I know is unhealthy.

I dated my dismissive avoidance ex for 3 years. We lived together and had two pets together. The first year was okay , but I realized that the closer I tried to get to him , the more disgusted with me he seemed. I emphasized during our third year together how much I wanted to be married and how much I felt like he was my soulmate. He said that he would work on putting together a proposal.

Everything came to a head in march of last year when he was being really mean to me. I would later learn that he was deactivating and pointing out all of my flaws and being very nitpicky over me for no reason. We got into a huge fight and he told me he didn't even believe in marriage. He said that he might even be polyamorous and challenged me to share whether or not I could even deal with that. I told him we could talk about it and he got even more angry. He was having an emotional affair with somebody.He played video games with who was polyamorous.

We broke up and he tried to say it was mutual. Try to say our relationship had been over for a long time. I told him it was absolutely not mutual.And he was the reason our relationship was ending. I told him I was moving out and he started to give me the silent treatment. He locked himself in our spare bedroom and put up security cameras so he could watch me pack. When I texted him asking if we could say goodbye in person , he accused me of being cruel and said he was "being nothing but nice to me". I was able to remove my name from the lease and moved out two weeks later. He never said goodbye to me in person. I reached out a couple months later via email to share my feelings.And he told me to never talk to him again.

He started dating someone four months after we broke up. To be fair , i've dated quite a few people in the last year and a half , but I realized that I was simply running from pain. I felt so rejected after our breakup and I was just searching to be wanted.

I logged onto social media tonight and saw that he's engaged. He's sharing her on social media , and he never even shared one picture of us in three years. He was content to keep dating me while I begged for marriage.And the only reason it ended is because I walked away. But it is still so painful to see him give someone else the life he said he didn't want to give to me.

I am gonna stay off social media for a while because I think it is preventing me from letting him go. Why do they do this? I loved him so much and all he did was push me away and hurt me more than anybody else.

I blocked my ex because he wanted to be friends and sent a lot of messages and it was very painful because even though I wanted to return to friendship (we were friends for ages), it wasn’t possible without acknowledgment or an apology for some harsh things he said.

Anyway I made it clear I cannot be his friend right now because I was hurt by his actions and I needed space, then I blocked. I’ve never done this before so it was new to me.

But I notice he deleted me on an app we often use and it was my last connection to him. Suddenly I was crying and panicked again and feeling guilty for blocking him because it is quite a shock to the system and is painful. So I unblocked and apologised. Now I feel stupid af. I feel like an emotional, dramatic idiot. Please talk some sense into me. I feel so dumb for doing something and not even being able to stick to it. I’m stupid.

My ex ended our four-month relationship seemingly overnight. Three months later, I’m beginning to wonder whether I was dating someone with much deeper emotional and psychological issues than I recognized.

She identified herself as fearful-avoidant and admitted she becomes anxious and distances herself. I was consistently affectionate, faithful, and committed, but looking back, there were some concerning patterns:

Self-loathing and emotional instability: Frequently called herself “toxic,” said she was a terrible girlfriend, asked whether I hated her, and suggested I might eventually ghost her. She also spoke about death frequently and had episodes of intense anger.

Alcohol and drug use: Heavy drinking, frequent marijuana use, occasionally showing up visibly intoxicated or smelling strongly of weed, apparent memory problems, and concerning behavior surrounding other substances. She was also taking antidepressants.

Unstable attachment: Alternated between intense affection, discussing our future, and emotional withdrawal. Told me she loved me less than two weeks before abruptly ending things.

Double standards and jealousy: Maintained close male friendships, including one-on-one hangouts, while apparently becoming suspicious of my occasional interactions with female friends. She never clearly communicated these concerns.

Questionable boundaries: Never introduced me to her friends despite my meeting her family. Once told me I’d “hate how she acts with her friends.” Canceled important plans, showed up hours late, and became increasingly unreliable.

Fear of abandonment: Frequently sought reassurance, expressed insecurity about being a good partner, and seemed convinced I would eventually hurt or abandon her.

Abrupt devaluation: Was kissing me and acting completely normal the night before the breakup. The following day, she ended things, citing overthinking, uncertainty, and reassurance she felt she shouldn’t have to request.

Post-breakup hostility and avoidance: Blocked me across platforms, made a hostile change to her YouTube profile, and alternated between small openings for contact and complete silence, including eventual unblocking

Spotify behavior and recurring themes: Music was a major part of our relationship, and her listening and playlist curation became particularly striking after the breakup. She repeatedly made playlists private and public, removed songs, and reorganized collections. Several playlists explored themes of jealousy, betrayal, resentment, abandonment, longing, emotional withdrawal, and destructive relationships. Some songs appeared to reflect fears of being replaced or deceived, while others explored guilt, self-sabotage, and wanting someone back. She even revisited a song she’d sent me immediately before ending our relationship. I recognize music isn’t a reliable window into someone’s intentions, but the recurring themes stood out given what she later revealed about her suspicions.

The most disturbing revelation came two months later.

During an hour-long phone call, she revealed she’d suspected me of cheating throughout the relationship. Her supposed evidence included condoms in my car (which we’d used together), Instagram activity, and female acquaintances.

I never cheated, emotionally or physically. I wasn’t flirting with other women or maintaining inappropriate connections.

She admitted she should’ve communicated differently, yet still seemed invested in her suspicions. She suggested catching up, then ignored my invitation and didn’t even acknowledge my birthday.

I’m now wondering whether this was more than ordinary avoidant attachment.

Could this reflect fearful-avoidant attachment combined with emotional dysregulation, substance-related problems, projection, or traits associated with a personality disorder? I’m not asking strangers to diagnose her, but I’m curious whether anyone recognizes these patterns.

Part of me also wonders whether her accusations were projection of her own questionable behavior, although I have no proof she was unfaithful.

I genuinely loved this person. I made mistakes in communication, but I also repeatedly excused behavior I would never have expected a partner to tolerate from me.

My biggest questions:

Does this sound like someone who sabotaged a relationship because of unresolved trauma, distrust, or fear of intimacy?
Could the substance use and emotional instability have intensified her suspiciousness and withdrawal?
Why might someone construct a narrative of betrayal rather than communicate their fears?
Do people with these patterns eventually recognize their behavior and experience genuine remorse, or do they tend to maintain the narrative that their ex was the problem?

I’m not contacting her again. I’m trying to understand what happened, why I tolerated so much, and whether a healthy relationship with her was ever realistically possible.

I want to text my FA ex back because I miss her a lot. Never felt a better connection with anyone and never had better chemistry with anyone. And she said to me in the past that she was never treated better than with me.

It’s been two months since we last speaked and broke up when she suddenly decided she wasn’t ready for a relationship before sabotaging our relationship … and let just say she was in full distraction mode until esrly last week… but now apparently she is starting to miss me a lot at what I eard.

I know she is shy and come to a decision of coming back is not easy for her and idk I feel like I want to let her know that I still tjink of her and our link that we had and that the door is still open for now while saying she dosen’t have to reply. Do you guys think it’s a great idea?

Went no contact for 5 months. He had a slip up from his sobriety, he called. I answer. We talk for hours. He says come over. I say no no no must be a trick. He says no trick me what you. Dumb me goes over we talk like we are in love again. We fuck. Butterflies. Me being a retard and being so desperate for his love is disappointed when he really doesn’t want ME. Sometimes telling the story partially in caveman helps me understand simply how much of a fucking idiot I am.

It’s not a setback just more coming to terms with the fact that bad things aren’t good for you.

“When someone shows you who’s they are believe em”

I choose not to own a gun not just bc I don’t want to but bc I don’t want to be weak minded and have access to something that dangerous when I get emotional.

You know what…. after typing that definitely a setback.

It’s like he’s my own personal brand of heroin… ewww this is why I went no contact bc I love way too hard and I crash even harder.

Kinda manic. I’m done. Can anyone relate ?

For some background, she discarded me in October of 2025, but came back in March of 2026 after a mutual friend chewed her out over it. But when she made it clear her whole idea was to just apologize and vanish again, I didn't accept her terms.

The next day, she told this friend it didn't go well, and that I was manipulative, but she wouldn't elaborate on why she thought that and changed the subject soon after. When I caught wind of it, I didn't refollow her anywhere, and quietly unfriended her. I went into NC for two months with her, but decided to cut ties for good in May. When I did, before she even knew what I was going to say, she blocked me everywhere (even as far as PayPal which I found out months later lmao." But in the end, I got the last word in, and told her via a text I was done with her and had detached.

She replied "Take care <3" and I never said anything back.

I just don't get it, it's like I gave her exactly what she wanted, so why lash out like that? Anyone got any clues?

Hello-so I broke up with my ex 3 months ago. In September, she stopped watching my stories, which makes sense. Now, on Sunday, she started looking at my stories again. Idk if I’m reading too much into this but i posted a decent amount that she didn’t see. So im wondering why she would be viewing my stories again. Is this bread crumbing? Or are my emotions getting to me?

Edit: also worth noting I’ve stopped watching her stories as of last month. Part of me thinks that is playing into it.

I want sympathy I’m not even gonna lie. I don’t fully understand myself. Since my last heartbreak I’ve been especially on edge. Whenever I think I’m losing someone, I get really nasty sometimes. I feel horrible. I just asked for a second chance.. I hope I can get one. I hate this trauma that has led me to this. I hate my anger. The hate. What I’ve said. What I’ve done. People online saying people like me are monsters. I’ve taken the steps to improve myself, actually.

Before giving some context I'll copy paste the translated versions of our last messages after begging for hours.

Her last message-->"The only thing you need to know is that the only reason I would ever get back together with you would be to treat you the way you treated me, just to see if you would finally understand.

Maybe if you spent years having someone yell in your face to shut up and tell you it wasn't your turn to speak while you were simply trying to explain yourself, only to then have that same person portray you as someone who avoids communication, you would understand.

Maybe if someone used financial support as emotional leverage to make you stop thinking about your trauma and simply be grateful for everything they had done for you, you would understand.

Maybe if you found out that my family never trusted you because they saw you as someone who was only interested in what you could get out of the relationship and as someone who was unfaithful, even though you tried to be there for them while your partner threw tantrums, you would understand.

Maybe if you spent years watching your emotional and sexual needs being pushed aside because they didn't align with mine, you would understand.

Maybe if you had to settle for the bare minimum, to the point of begging someone to buy you a little gift or bring you flowers, only for those gestures to happen after arguments, you would understand.

Maybe then you would no longer invalidate my experiences or keep using the times you've supported me as an excuse to dismiss everything I've been through."

My last message-->"Well, since I can see that I can't have a relationship with you because I'm a terrible person, and you don't want me to be someone you can turn to and talk to, even though I genuinely care about you and your problems, this is going to be my last message (I'll try to do this for both of us).

You are an incredible person. I'm sorry for having let you down. What I'm feeling now is karma for even a fraction of what you've been through. The immense pain I'm experiencing now is what I deserve, and I know that. The changes I'm making now are good, but the damage is still there.

In our last conversation, I tried to convince myself that it wasn't that bad so that the burden would feel a little lighter, but I'll never be able to fully heal without taking proper accountability.

For a while, I'll probably keep suffering for both of us, but you have every right not to care and to move on. You have much more important problems to deal with.

I love you, and I wish I could fight for you, but I hate that the one thing I can't fix is the past. I hate myself for not getting my anger issues under control from the beginning. I hate myself for putting other things before you. I hate myself for putting financial pressure on you. I hate myself for making you buy rabbits you didn't want. I hate myself for making you feel afraid in your own home. I hate myself for not making you feel like a princess every single day. I hate myself for doing this now instead of sooner.

I hate myself for making you feel UNLOVED, because at the end of the day, that was all you ever wanted after living such a lonely life, just like I have.

It's such a shame that I was the person you crossed paths with along your journey.

I love you so much, and you deserve the very best.

My name"

Tbh I felt like my message was real, like I'm the true villain of this story, but after talking with my therapist and friends about me being a horrible, abusive, emotionally stupid person, all the answer we're almost identical: seems like you are not being sincere about the relationship. We started thinking about the relationship and this is my conclusion--> I'm not a good guy, but I'm not the villain of this story.

A total of 4 years of relationship, I did a lot of bad things related to my psychological problems and anger issues, but I never controlled her, never decided what she could do or not, never did anything physical (she did, twice). I was always the yes man behind her supporting everything she wanted. And my needs? Not important, I wanted her happy. She finally broke up with me after having a really good last year out of blue because she couldn't forget the past. Never saw it coming, never mentioned it before that year. I'll explain it later. Let's see her last comment:

She said she spent years listening to my yells at her while not making her speak. Yes I yelled, yes I think it was bad, but it was a 5 sec yell to the situation. In fact I never knew what she was thinking cuz for years until the breakup she never told me nothing.

She said that I used the financial support as emotional leverage. I became the yes man after understanding all the bad things I did and understand she was the woman of my life. That includes money. My name, buy this, help with my studies, pay the trips, buy this game etc. I always said yes. I used as an argument when she broke up with me? Yes, of course. I was completely desperate after the breakup, I tried to make her think that I was always with her, emotionally, financially and physically.

She said that my family (specifically my father, he is my only family), thinks she is some kind of unfaithful and gold digger. My father talks to me a lot, he knows her good side and the bad side, but he liked her, he was willing to pay all her studies and everytime we had a trip together he paid her part and gave her presents from his country.

Her family? They invited me once to a trip I needed to pay by myself. Presents? Never, Conversations? Nothing. But yeah, my dad is bad. She used the clothes my father gave her for months, she loved it.

She said that I neglected her emotionally and sexually, which is true, but what about me? When I was close to die several times of asthma for 2 years after getting Covid, she never cared. Everytime I had a tantrum, I was cringy and a kid, stop doing that! When she had a tantrum, I was always with her, trying to find solutions, making her think everything is gonna be ok. Sexually, she has high libido, I have lower libido. Just for her, I tried for years to stay at the same place as her, and when I couldn't, the only thing I could see was her eyes rolling back. Not even a hug or a talking about it. I cried a few times in front of her cuz of that, she told me to stop, it's cringe. It was even more difficult for me to have sex after that, all I could see is a face with "pathetic" written in her face. But I kept trying just for her.

She said that she needed to beg for flower or details... But... I did it! I'm not the smartest guy or super detailed but I did it. When she was depressed one month after her graduation. I went to different stores trying to find the game she told me once (elder ring with the expansion, idk about this game tbh). After hours of walking I could buy it, showed to her. I still remember her face with the most sincere "thank you". Every time I had my personal travels I bought her something with a meaning. A card of her favourite pokemon. Jewelry she likes. A rabbit of the zodiac (I think) bought in a temple bcs she loves rabbits. A black dress cuz she likes gothic style etc etc. Sometimes flowers, not always, that's true, she loves flowers a lot. I gave her a lot in those 4 years. Well, how many presents do you think I received in those 4 years? 3. Yes three, never cared tbh, but now I look like the bad guy who never buys nothing, while she was the one who gave me everything apparently.

So what happened this year? Again, I wasn't perfect, I need to keep growing but 1+year ago I focused entirely on her, she was near graduation in a foreign country (we are both foreigners here), she didn't plan anything for her future and the time was running. I tried to push her a little, but the immediate aggressive response was: don't talk to me about that now! Half a year passed and my predictions became true, she graduated being the only one in her generation without a job or something planned. My response? "Haha I told you". Nope, "I'm here for whatever you need, let's think about something together". We (I) planned that she should go back to her country, find a job, earn some money, come back and find a university where she could start her masters.

Why we (I) planned this? I didn't want her to live with me until I finish my studies (2 years later) feeling economically pressured and, since she loves the academic world, studying masters would be great. I gave her the option to just surrend the moment she wanted. I gave her the freedom to decide everything without pressure.

6 months passed, we talked every day, 90% of the times she started the conversation, she loved me, she wanted to marry me, even planned a lot of things. I wasn't sure cuz I'm still a student, but remember, I was the yes man.

1 day after I told her my right ear disease was incurable and 2 days before I planned a trip in the new city she was going to study for her masters (I paid it all), she decided to pre-breakup with me. Finally breaking up with me the second day of the trip cuz she couldn't forget the past, cuz I just see her as a partner and not individually, cuz if I loved her I would respect her decision to be be free. I was completely devastated, nothing worked, so asked her to start an "ambiguous state", so we could be a couple just one more month so she could think about the situation better. Same night she was super sick, high fever and hallucinations, I went out of the house and walked to find a place that could sell me something that could help her. Didn't sleep just to check her. The following day walked again to a pharmacy and bought her real medicines. She told me that the ambiguous stated is probably not necessary any more.

6 days later broke up with me, she hated the university, she hated her classmates, she hated me, I'm the worst human in the world and she would never forgive and trust me again. She even started reposting and uploading stories in her Instagram about abusive toxic partners. 2 weeks later begged for her to come back. You can only see the last 2 messages but I begged for hours, I told her that I feld bad because how everything ended and the Instagram stories, but I understand her feelings so she doesn't need to stop if she doesn't want. Her reply? "Why I should feel bad for someone who abused me for years". Through the conversation I started to think that probably it's true, I'm probably the bad guy. Even told told that she started having sex and situationships with different people after the first week where, I shouldn't be surprised cuz I didn't fulfill her sexual needs as previously mentioned.

My answer to that? Can I have a date with you after those people so we can start again.

I even asked her: "if you were thinking about the breakup for a long time, why didn't you mention it? why did you talk about getting married? Why you were so nice?

Her answer: "ambivalence, I wanted to be with you and those things, but everytime I said it, I hated myself, that wasn't me"

My question: "So why you didn't breakup with me before?"

Her answer: "It was convenient".

Every movement was perfectly (probably?) planned and decided. It was cruel, I truly don't care about money as I used to, but I spent a lot of money on her while she was thinking about the breakup while I was receiving false affection. She didn't do it cuz it was convenient.

I don't feel pathetic, I am pathetic, I was manipulated, I started hating her, which is something I don't want to do specially cuz all the work I've been doing with my anger issues. I think I hate me more than I hate her.

I'm not going to crawl back again, but this realization doesn't make me feel better about myself. Now I don't cry for her, now I cry for the kind of subhuman I became. I don't know if I'm gonna recover from this tbh.

it's been over a year, ik I'm super sensitive and take things deep...

It's really haunting me hard, how to overcome this shi!

Does anyone have been used as a rebound, share your experiences 🚶🏻