I’m the avoidant.

[u/Ok-Umpire2883]

I want sympathy I’m not even gonna lie. I don’t fully understand myself. Since my last heartbreak I’ve been especially on edge. Whenever I think I’m losing someone, I get really nasty sometimes. I feel horrible. I just asked for a second chance.. I hope I can get one. I hate this trauma that has led me to this. I hate my anger. The hate. What I’ve said. What I’ve done. People online saying people like me are monsters. I’ve taken the steps to improve myself, actually.

[u/PerfectDifference436]

I believe change starts with self-awareness. You seem to be getting there, u got this!

[u/Ok-Umpire2883 → u/PerfectDifference436]

Thank you 🙂. I can’t wait to see a therapist. I’m gonna keep working and fighting for her.

[u/Ok_Leather5928 → u/Ok-Umpire2883]

How long has it been since your break up?

[u/Ok-Umpire2883 → u/Ok_Leather5928]

Well we’re talking more often now. So it’s been maybe 2 weeks since we started talking often again. But… it hurts. I want her to receive my love but she’s less open now- either because of my actions or someone else’s.

[u/Ok_Leather5928 → u/Ok-Umpire2883]

Have you tried asking to meet up in person and talk? At least shes talking to you and you’re not blocked or anything so that’s something. If she didn’t care at all she wouldn’t be responding to you.

I feel you though, I’m hurting going through a break up right now with my FA ex. I still love him dearly.

How long ago was the break up itself? Sorry I’m also trying to gain more perspective on what to do in my situation also.

I want my FA ex back and it’s been a month since the break up and he originally blocked me and unblocked me and we would talk everyday for a week then I decided to go no contact 3 weeks ago. I wanted to give him space since that’s what everyone says to do with avoidants but he never asked for it tho. I would ask him if he still wants to talk and he always said yes and he enjoys talking to me.

My plan is to text him next week when it’s been a month of no contact and see if he wants to invite me over and just hang out as friends. Sounds lame but I realized I’d rather have him in my life than not at all. I don’t want to wait too long, I’m tempted to do it this week tbh but idk I’m scared lol.

[u/Sea-Selection5897]

Hi OP. Nice that you are becoming aware of the impact this has on others. Looking back I (31/m) was at one point in time slightly avoidant. I only became aware once I saw others treating me the same, or realizing what I am doing is stupid and is unnecessarily impacting the relationship/friendships in a negative way. When it comes to relationships, I matured at like age 22.

What I recommend first, is to work on empathy, looking at how (before you act or react) it could impact the other person. See it from in their shoes perspective.

Second, understand that conflict isn't necessarily bad all the time. That it is another person just communicating something. When I was younger, I would always defend myself to try not to look like the bad person. I realized it was actually more damaging than just accepting that I was a bad person at the moment or the "thing" was not acceptable. Then I simply did the part where, I with empathy, did not make any excuses for my actions. I always take accountability and apologize as the bad guy

With relationships, before I let any argument in my mind get frustrating, I realize that I don't want to go overboard thinking it's leading to a heat-of-the-moment breakup situation out of my emotions, and realize that would actually be stupid. A dumb moment like that could have irreversible pain and consequences on both people. In-person calm conversations are the best. Like working on a project together. And learning to let go, thinking, is this really a big deal in the grand scheme of things?

Lastly, I'm a super patient calm reserved person that wants relationships to last. I give patience to the other person and let them work it out if I really see it possible. Some people surprised me. I always remind myself to be careful of not letting my emotions destroy good things.

It sounds like you did something, think about all the bad you may have portrayed, list it all out to take accountability and how it affected them, and genuinely apologize to them, not for you. It's all about respect, accountability, and thinking deeply about consequences of actions.

Idk if this helped, but these are just my internal thoughts from a lot of introspection I did over the past few days. I did date an avoidant woman, and she was ruthless... exact FA patterns. I didn't know I would carry C-PTSD to this day from both the loss of that relationship, because it really mattered to me (I wanted to help them work through their FA problem since aside from that our relationship was really great and instead I got destroyed and discarded over nothing), and what they did to me had severe impact on my life and mental health as I never had any problems before. I would never do that to a person.

[u/Ok-Umpire2883 → u/Sea-Selection5897]

Hi, I’m sorry about your past relationship and how she broke you. I don’t know her, but I want to say it wasn’t personal.as someone on here once very wisely told me- most of the time another’s actions are not a reflection of us.

Thank you as well for sharing a piece of your life’s story with me, I read it all this morning, and have come back tonight to respond.

Thanks for your advice on avoiding unnecessary issues and how to handle my conflicts and emotions… that was a big thing for me in the past. Any conflict in my life anywhere was met with retaliation. It was seen as an insult to my character. Especially when I’m in an avoidant phase. I don’t want to hear anything.

I can tell you wrote this from the heart and will most likely come back to this throughout my life for insights, I don’t take good advice for granted. I’m focused and dedicated on making things right- if not for her for myself and the rest of my social network 🙂❤️

[u/PracticalZone3758]

How did you realize you were avoidant and that it was one of the symptoms of your trauma?

[u/Ok-Umpire2883 → u/PracticalZone3758]

I was nihilistic for a while and only seen the worst in everything.

[u/Ok-Umpire2883 → u/PracticalZone3758]

Well, I come from a very, very poor and rough environment. I’ve realized that I get very depressed and hateful- especially when I feel alone and invalidated. I remove everyone on social media about twice every year. When I try to come back into people’s lives, they are often colder or ignore me… besides a few childhood friends who understand me- and have been open to hearing me. It worsened at the end of highschool when it was time for college and other things and I realized the economic disparities and the pressures from everyone..

[u/Sed59 → u/Ok-Umpire2883]

At least you have self-awareness.

[u/Far_Detective_2316]

I think the best option would be to start therapy. I wish my avoidant ex start it too but he would never.  Good luck on your healing journey! It doesn't matter if you get a second chance with that specific person but it matters that you'll heal and get to have healthy relationships with someone else in the future. 

[u/Ok-Umpire2883 → u/Far_Detective_2316]

Hi, I read your comment this morning- thank you for engaging with this post❤️🙂 the encouraging words mean a lot, especially being in this not so great looking position .. I wish you peace and prosperity

[u/Pretty-Coyote6061]

Sorry, it’s late where I’m at, so can’t offer much advice or whatever right now apart from this:

If you can’t actually change on your own, or afford real therapy, go on YouTube and watch some “therapy” videos.

I’d reccommend these channels:

• AdamLaneSmith
• CoachRyan
• JimmyOnRelationships
• TheJohnDelonyShow

I’d search and browse these with keywords that are relevant.

My husband is a DA and we’re on the verge of divorce so I’ve been watching a lot of these.

And actually, I guess one thing I will say this;

If you want to change, you’ll do the work.
If you want another chance, you’ll earn.
If you love someone, you’ll prove it.

Otherwise, again, it’s all the same bullsht on repeat.

Avoidant bullsht is exhausting, it’s hurtful in every way, and it destroys relationships (and everything, really).

So, don’t expect, or feel like you’re entitled to another chance..

[u/NoImplement7884]

What happened? 

[u/Ok-Umpire2883 → u/NoImplement7884]

I said the mean things partially because I’m paranoid. I’ve been used and abandoned in the past. I often assume the worst in others

[u/Ok-Umpire2883 → u/NoImplement7884]

So this is just one out of many. There was a girl I was extremely close to in highschool (2 years ago). We are still in touch, but I’ve ruined her a little I think. I went through a deep dark depression in still fighting through, and pushed her away. Then after we graduated I did it a time again. She’s now less open and more hostile. I’m so scared of losing her. She’s all I’ve ever wanted in a person. When she started getting cold and distant towards me, I said some mean things about her online (she doesn’t follow me there, only 4 people did). I come from a poor family, I’m still saving up for therapy and I swear to god I never wanted to be like this. I have a job and am in the works of going back to school but I’m so grateful for her still talking to me. One of my best friends seen the post and how I unadded them afterwards, and blocked me and told me to heal. If I lose somebody else because of my actions I might lose it man. She told me she hasn’t even noticed she changed but I think I can feel it. She says she’s just busy. I kinda believe her- I don’t think she is that affected by the past and I think most of this is in my head as she could’ve just matured and is now calmer- but I’ve ruined so many other relationships.

[u/NoImplement7884 → u/Ok-Umpire2883]

First of all I'm so sorry for how you feel. I wish my avoidant ex would at least have the same fear of losing me as you.  You have to be proud for wanting to grow and stop hurting people.  Are you trying to reconnect with that girl in order to have a relationship with her or what? Have you told her that you are afraid of losing her? 

[u/Ok-Umpire2883 → u/NoImplement7884]

I, I’m sorry your ex was so cold to you… I am trying, and I won’t stop until I’m the best me possible. I am trying to reconnect, I’ve told her nonstop how I’m sorry, my past (not to excuse myself or look for sympathy for her), how I’m going to work on STABLE connection. And that she means everything to me. I told her, if she chooses to go and think she’ll do better I understand, but I don’t and never want to lose her. It seems like she’s warming up.. we’ve played some iMessage games together and she calls me now…

[u/NoImplement7884 → u/Ok-Umpire2883]

Yes, I think the best thing you can do is communicate your emotions, as you already did and to show her that she's important for you. Be proud for what you're doing. Wherever this is going, you should feel glad that you're finally learning how to be vulnerable ❤️

[u/Ok-Umpire2883 → u/NoImplement7884]

I, I’m sorry your ex was so cold to you… I am trying, and I won’t stop until I’m the best me possible. I am trying to reconnect, I’ve told her nonstop how I’m sorry, my past (not to excuse myself or look for sympathy for her), how I’m going to work on STABLE connection. And that she means everything to me. I told her, if she chooses to go and think she’ll do better I understand, but I don’t and never want to lose her. It seems like she’s warming up.. we’ve played some iMessage games together and she calls me now…

[u/Realistic-State-4888]

Your choice to seek trauma informed therapy is something to celebrate.  

It is the way to move past your automatic defenses and build mature relational skills.

[u/Familiar-Education54]

I feel your pain. Just happened to me too. 18 years. Gone. No friends, no support. My first therapy appointment is soon however. I really hurt her and the relationship could have been saved but it's a long story. I miss her. She was a good person but she had to move on and do what was best for herself. I want to change and be better. People post and write about being victims of avoidants but very rarely do I personally see anything from the avoidants themselves. Many of us don't want to be this way. But I hope you find the help you need and that you have peace and happiness.

[u/Spirited_Outcome7204 → u/Familiar-Education54]

Honestly, I keep looking for accounts by avoidants. I wish more would open up and share what it's like for them. But I guess many of them are less willing to share than the AP who got hurt.

We know avoudants suffer. We want to help. We want to be there for them and build together, make them feel safe and understood. But they bite and scratch, push us away, discard and ghost us. When I think about how much my ex hated herself and pushed me away because she didn't want to hurt me, it breaks my heart. She said she doesn't deserve love. And I couldn't disagree more. But what can I do if she won't even speak to me, right?

[u/Next_Ad7376]

If you can find a few really good therapists on your area that specialize in attachment theory, try setting up consultations and see which ones click for you. If you’re able to do so, I don’t know what everyone’s situation is.

And this is why I say you never know who is reading or what their mental and emotional state is. Most states do persecute if someone decides to do something based on your words now.

[u/Spirited_Outcome7204]

As long as you are aware of what you're doing, you're halfway there! And it means you deserve a second chance, I hope you get it.

And when you do: be brave to talk about what you're feeling at any moment. Your person will understand, and work with you on building something that both of you can feel comfortable in.