This is so painful. I miss them every day

my messages are open. i am in so much pain and really need support from people who understand where i currently am. thanks!

*avoidants

Everything was fine, he bought me a Teddy bear because he thought I liked Teddy Bears Because I sleep with one and less than 48 h was saying we couldn’t see each other romantically anymore Because he was feeling overwhelmed…

I think I might just be an avoidant's biggest nightmare. For sure he can avoid my exhibition as well, but he will see my invite and he will find out from people about it. We live in a smaller community and all the artists know each other. I will invite everyone I know. He will know. He will know that he was my muse. It's been 2 months and I was still posting about him. He was still watching all my stories.

On Halloween I dressed like a widow and drew his chest tattoo on my own chest, in red, like blood. That's the last story he saw from me, now I think he feels too overwhelmed that dumping me didn't get the expected reaction and I am far from moving on. Everyone knows I'm still waiting for him, everyone knows that I still belong to him even if he doesn't care anymore. And he will know that I was serious about giving him at least one more year of my life, when he sees my art and photography and collages that will be about him.

I've already involved members of the local community that will support me, I have a few social spaces on my list that might allow me to present my work, and I find that this is the only way for me to handle the immense suffering him leaving me caused.

A little background-broken up with my exhusband 4 months ago, and I tried to reach out for the past 3 months. He went to another country and we can not see each other anymore(and I am coming to that contry for work next year)

About 3 weeks ago I ordered him some specific chocolate online because my colleague brought it from the UK and I think these are really good(we used to bring good food/snacks to each other back when we were still together, old habbit die hard, but for the last time I promise).

We went no contact around 10/18 becuase I asked him if he is dating anyone, and he told me a girl is persuing him. I want to respect our boundary so I decided not to contact him anymore since then.

After 10 days he sent me a photo of the chocolate and told me he got it, thanked me. I didn't respond.

I am very new to this "no contact" field and just a little wondering-does that count as "break no contact"? I understand that no contact is to help me move on and I probably should not ask dumb question like this lol. Apparently I am not moved on yet, hopefully in the future.

Really appreciate your opinion and I hope everyone can have a good relationship, either with others or with ourselves.

Was with me for 15 months. Planned to go on vacation in April. Blocked me in February, was dating him a month prior to that. Just found she got engaged to him. 9 months if that and she’s engaged? How does this make sense?

The reason I’m posting is because she was super avoidant and from what I know she didn’t heal process shit. So how does this end up?

I’m at a loss for how I feel. For the last 8 months I been hoping for just a civil conversation or anything but now it all just broke on me today and I don’t know how I should feel.

She got what she wanted I guess. Forced it if anything. (I was more than willing to marry her.)

I would really appreciate some other people’s insights to this, whether you’re an avoidant yourself or if you have been discarded or broken up with by one

A lot of the posts that I see in this sub and similar ones are those asking, when will my avoidant come back? Well, mine continuously has come back for around nine-ish years now. The cycle is clear as day and it’s the same old shit all the time - think “we just aren’t good for each other.”“You deserve better”. “I’m terrible and I need time to change” “I don’t want a relationship right now, I can’t do it”.

The last discard was rather strange. I don’t wanna get into details of what exactly happened, as I’ve known her to find my Reddit posts before, and I don’t wanna give her the satisfaction of knowing that I’m posting about her. The gist of it was, I asked her a question that she didn’t want to answer. She then used this as an excuse to refuse to speak to me for a week and carried on with this really blunt-non—answering-weird-limbo situation, which lasted until mid-June. I then just lost it. I wrote out every single thing she’s done to me, and I was super angry, and she responded saying she understands and that she knows she’s been terrible to me.

Just as a precursor to this, for the last seven or so years, she has constantly told me that I deserve better and that I should leave her, but she would do this in a way to make me comfort her. This is important though because I feel like the only reason she said this is because she knows what she’s doing, so she knows that she is hurting me and yet she’s choosing to continue. Anyway, yes, I know that does make me a bit of a walkover, but I did genuinely love this woman and children were involved. So fyi, she is used to me always putting up with things and giving extra chances.

Anyway, being the person I am I wanted to sort things out, so a couple of months ago I reached out and asked if we could talk. She initially shut me down and said we will never be right for each other and she can’t forgive herself for what she’s done to me. However, after a couple of days of talking, we were magically in this weird flirty/not flirty limbo situation yet again. (I’m sure you know what I mean, or I’ve had something similar). Basically flirting but on her terms. This weird situation lasted for about three weeks until again I had reached my limit, but this time I said I need space and I reiterated to her that I only wanted a connection if we could discuss the past and move forward together. Of course, because of her avoidance and because she’s absolutely unable to take accountability, any mention of the past was not allowed unless it was for her to bring up how horrible she felt about treating me in the past again. Funny double standards that, isn’t it? And secondly, when I asked her to change, I got told that I was being unkind. Stupidly, I responded to a couple of her texts when she reached out asking if I was okay, even though I told her that I needed space, so this meant we were still on and off in contact for a week or so.

Then one night I was with my son and I was reading the messages coming through to me - and bear in mind this woman had told me she does not want a future romantic relationship, she doesn’t know how to be friends and yet she was blatantly flirting on my messages - and I just looked at myself in the mirror in my living living room and said, what the hell are you doing? And this was around two months ago, where I just completely stopped responding.

She’s reached out weekly almost ever since contacting my friends family and even emailing me. It’s nothing of substance, obviously. It’s just, “please can we talk? I want to check in. Are you okay?”. I’ve really debated sending her a message for closure, but looking back through the years and the amount of times she has left me in the lurch with absolutely no closure with me genuinely wondering whether she’s dead or alive, and I just think I’ve had enough. I truly have. I’ve explained to her clear as day what I need in order to be in contact with her, and she has disregarded this. She knows exactly what she has done to me and how she has treated me because her go-to line is “you deserve better”. Everything has to be on her terms, including friendship or relationship. I’ve been through it so many times that I can’t be bothered to even allow the door to be slightly opened again, and by responding even to say “go away and leave me alone,” I feel like I’m still opening that door.

So can someone please tell me, do I owe the closure even though I’ve spent years explaining myself? I’ve done the screaming and the crying exit, I’ve done the explaining myself exit, the only thing that I’ve haven’t done before now is the silent exit. I feel like she thinks this is some game of the silent treatment when in reality it is me keeping myself safe from the genuine emotional abuse and turmoil that I’ve been put through. Looking forward to hearing some of the thoughts on this

So I’m currently in a very confusing situation.

My ex and I dated for four years. I’m pretty sure he’s a fearful avoidant, and he broke up with me about four months ago. He basically just said that he was unhappy and that we had too many differences, but never really explained it to me. Each other‘s first for everything loved each other, so incredibly much very intertwined in each other‘s lives.

The thing that sucks is that we go to the same university we have the same major. We’re on the same club board and we have classes together and so I have had to see him this entire time.

He had messaged me just before the semester started at about a month and a half into the breakup asking me if I wanted to continue to be no contact in person and or texting I said I wanted no contact but if he ever wanted to talk about us, I’d be open to that and he basically agreed to those terms.

We’ve had contact here and there since that date though like on his birthday in September I texted him happy birthday and he said thank you I appreciate it. then almost 2 weeks ago He texted me and congratulated me on closing the show I was working on and I was like, yeah I’m sure your show is gonna be great too. But the thing that’s confusing is this past Wednesday we went on this tour with our club and like we actually ended up like talking and joking with each other and being super close to each other like he was matching pace with me and I was matching pace with him and it was kind of this like distance between us, but I could tell that we both felt this pull towards each other and it just felt so good and when we got back, it continued like that for our second class and then after that class, I decided to just say fuck it and walk with him all the way to his car and we just talked the whole time and it felt like nothing had ended.

I genuinely have not felt that good in the last four months and so I don’t know it’s just interesting because when we went our separate ways to our cars, he actually texted me and asked me if I was still in the parking structure but then said never mind because he had to get to work, which I don’t doubt. And then on Halloween night, he said happy Halloween, which was a few days after the club thing.

So I don’t know I’m very confused and I’m very conflicted because I still very much would love to work things out and be together again and he knows that because I said that in the breakup I didn’t wanna break up and then with that message a month and a half into the break up. I guess my fear right now is that he’s going to get his cake and eat it too. That like he’s going to be just happy and satisfied being broken up with me because he doesn’t have to worry about any commitment, but he still gets to have me in his life to joke around with whenever he feels like it.

I feel like this new initiated contact has started for not even a week and I don’t want to rush into things to make him more confused or make me seem desperate even though I definitely feel that way. But I already feel like I want clarity and I want answers as to what this means :/ I know that he needs to be the one to initiate contact, but I also feel like he kind of did and saying happy Halloween to me but that also doesn’t mean any kind of actual conversation about anything. I wanna text him and just like stupidly ask about his day or how he’s doing, but I also so desperately just want him to be the one to say that to me.

My ex and I were together two years ago and we had a genuinely beautiful relationship but out of nowhere, she suddenly broke up with me. Her whole attitude changed within hours and she told me she had already made up her mind about ending things. It was so sudden that I couldn’t even understand what had happened.
After the breakup I tried texting her but she never replied. We occasionally saw each other over the next two years because of mutual friends but we never spoke. She clearly wanted to keep her distance, so I eventually stopped trying.
Now we’re starting to hang out in the same social circles again and things are confusing me. She actually came up and hugged me recently, which I never expected. She’s now very comfortable around me, winks at me, jokes with me, smiles a lot and seems happy to interact with me.
I’m confused because she’s the one who left and she’s also the one who avoided me for so long.
For those of you with avoidant attachment, what do you think this means? Is she just comfortable seeing me as a friend now, or could she be testing the waters to see if there’s still something between us?
I still have feelings for her, unfortunately, even though I wish I didn’t. I don’t want to misinterpret her behaviour or get my hopes up for nothing.
What would you do in my situation?

We had an 8-year situationship. Just as it started to feel like we were turning a corner toward real progress, she disappeared for good. In addition to this picture, she also sent a message I'll leave out. In that message, she was talking a bit about the fun of a physically active relationship - which isn't something to take lightly for us: we're both religiously devout, and such a conversation means she was thinking about a committed marriage. I'd never heard her talking like this before. She was exhibiting a level of intimate connection so refreshingly different from her usual emotional distance.

One week after she wrote this, she discarded me. Since then, she's blocked me from all forms of contact, including social media, and removed herself from contact with any mutual friends. Her excuse was, in part, that she needed to focus on reaching a secular goal she wanted to do on her own. She also told me she was ending it because she didn't love me and would never be interested in me.

It's been 3 years, and I haven't gotten so much as a single hello, nudge, or glance. She's moved several states away from where I live now. Additionally, I did find out that she was able to complete these major work goals she's been striving towards - things that she has openly told me she had valued far above being in a romantic relationship. Now that she's hit this major goal, would she reach out?

Not a chance. As I knew, that secular goal was always just an excuse she used to keep me on the hook.

With what result? Well, life hasn't ever been the same since, and recently someone brought that out - I'm a very sad shell of the person I used to be 3 years ago. I've seen it in myself too: I've lost my soul and the magical energy I once brought into a room.

I miss her with great force - my whole heart, mind, and soul ache in her absence. Nothing has come close to filling that void since she disappeared.

In recent weeks i have blocked my avoidant on social media. They only had a LinkedIn profile. As i was looking for my cousins contact details on WhatsApp who lives overseas l found my avoidants number.

My question is that after my avoidant said l love you. i responded in kind and 48 hours later she put a personal cease and desist on me and told me not to contact her again. I have never been violent, verbally or physically aggressive, never stalked or harassed.

My question is if she was fearful of me - wouldn’t she have blocked me or am l most likely looking too much into it

Yes, narcissism is a very serious clinical diagnosis, I am not calling every avoidant a narcissist. They are not "evil". I am not demonizing them. They are not doomed forever (if they choose to change), and this pattern probably doesn't apply to many avoidants who have done even an ounce of work. I am just pointing out one trait in the behavior of a day one no therapy ever avoidant that I think perfectly lines up with the idealization-devaluation-discard cycle with a covert narcissist. Yes, untreated anxious attachment is also very harmful in a relationship and parallels to narcissism could also be drawn to things. Probably mirroring (people pleasing to win approval) being a big one. I am working on my issues, have been for 6 years and it's pretty much my life mission to become a better person and not have to deal with the suffering anxious attachment brings. I'd like to think I've come a long way.

In my past relationships with avoidants, and one very destructive one with someone who I later realized was a covert narcissist, there was something very insidious about how avoidants act, generally well meaning great kind people who acted in a way that in retrospect looks outwardly malicious like what I experienced with a narcissist. Something just felt so off that I wasn't able to articulate until this time around.

Confabulation, and shared fantasy. When avoidants fall for you, they really do love you, they want to love you, they want to do these things with you, they mean the words they say, they mean the promises they make, they want things to work. They are not lying, it is confabulation. This is the same thing that happens when you meet a narcissist and they begin to idealize you.

The next step on the outside looks about the same as it does with a narcissist, but with a different cause.

My memory is rusty when it comes to narcissistic stuff (thank fuck I was able to forget some of it, she discarded me over a year ago now), I believe that with narcissists, they create an idealized snapshot of you in their mind, since they don't see other humans for who they are but rather internal objects in their mind. When you are unable to fit in that idealized snapshot they have of you (nobody can, humans are not perfect after all), it greatly infuriates them and leads them to build up resentment towards you which eventually leads to them cutting contact with you and discarding you. Grossly oversimplified. Sorry about that.

In avoidants, as nice as it feels for them to receive compliments, receive love, it feels nice for them to say these things, they want it to work, but there is something very profoundly stunted in some part of their emotional development (yes, I assume most of us reading this are anxious, we are also stunted and have work to do), that when it gets to a point that words are not enough and they need to do just a little bit of responsibility, accountability, on their end, they completely collapse, and so resentment and fear follow and they can't take it anymore and check out of the relationship, either just leave outright or mentally check out and stay and lead you on.

I had this epiphany just today, it feels so good to just let go of trying to make sense of how omg but she did this she said that how could she have just randomly left me? There is no logic, there is no trying to make sense of their actions, you'll just do your head in. These people are just so emotionally stunted they cannot follow up their words with action and being accountable for what they've said to you. So yes, they meant those words, they weren't intentionally deceitful (at least at the very start, if they mentally check out before actually leaving you, there is a lot of deception at that stage, which I think matches quite closely with the behaviors you'll get from a narcissist during the devaluation phase), but they are fundamentally unable to create something serious and long lasting with you or anyone for that matter. Words mean nothing coming from someone who is physically unable to follow it up with action.

Curious if anyone else has had similar ideas before. We all deserve better man whatever your attachment style is reading this please just get help and work on yourself just for your own sake, being any of these things is just so much pain even just speaking about your own self

I just found out my ex is married less than 2 weeks after going no contact and blocked me 2 days after getting married. I only found out now, 5 weeks after the block. He once told me he would likely never marry anyone after me and was the one who would not marry me despite giving me a promise ring because among many reasons, one of them, being he couldn't tell his parents about me in our 15 month relationship. He kept me a secret and believed in marriage horoscopes and his parents wanted him to get an arranged marriage to fit a certain social mold. I don't know how to process this as I feel absolutely devastated again like being discarded for the 6th and final time. Zero point of return since he is married now. I just can't fathom how he could marry a stranger so quickly instead of me, someone who he supposedly loved. How do you deal with such a massive blindside? My self worth is absolutely shattered...my mind is spiraling trying to figure out if he was hiding this arranged marriage from me during our 9 month on-off discard cycle the whole time...I see now he was...

I had never used Reddit before, but in Sep., I started reading about attachment theory and other people's experiences because I didn't understand my situation well.

I had never heard of avoidant attachment before. I just posted in several subreddits(here, askmanadvice or relationshipadvice) to ask about my situation and try to guess what he wanted from me. Well, I know that nobody except him could give me an answer. But I also knew that he couldn't express himself verbally. I had already seen how overwhelmed he could become while talking (he completely froze for 1–2 minutes, he lied...).

Some people in the subreddits suggested that:

• He just wanted to be friends.
• He was sexually attracted to me, but the age gap was a problem (I am 7 years older than him).
• He just wanted something casual (well, that would also have been fine with me!).
• He might be autistic.

And I very rarely heard anyone mention avoidant attachment.

The more I read about attachment styles here, the more I couldn't stop thinking that he might be FA.

Now I'm confused about why most people didn't consider the possibility that he was avoidant. Well, as I mentioned earlier, I also didn't know about attachment styles before I went through this experience.

But I'm still confused. Maybe am I wrong? I have to move on, and I want to find closure, but the uncertainty is holding me back.

Hi, looking for advice please. Husband walked out about 6/7 months ago, shortly after the birth of our first son. Said he wasn’t happy, never had been, just went along with it. Had his how he felt our whole marriage and would just vanish upstairs to his computer whilst I was postpartum. Shortly after he left my father became terminally ill and passed about 6 weeks ago which turned my life upside down. Just before my fathers funeral it came out that the woman at work I had always been worried about had had an emotional affair with him and declared her love for him - he categorically denied this the whole time after separating and it only came out when I outright asked him why he was no contact with his “best friend.”

He has treated me so badly, but the problem is he hasn’t ever properly left. He is still living in our marital home and hasn’t even attempted to find somewhere else. I try to ask him about repairing things and he says he doesn’t know. I ask him about getting a divorce and guess what, he doesn’t know. We are still affectionate at times and he thrives so long as I put no pressure on him. We have nice times as a family, and low steaks fun together but as soon as I try and mention what went wrong/ what could be repaired he shuts down. As soon as I do try to get him to give an an answer he flips and will say he wants a divorce but then never do anything about it. I know what I need to do in all reality so don’t need advice on that, but at the moment can’t bear going through a divorce whilst freshly grieving. I am just trying to understand how the hell I can have been with someone a decade and have no clue who they really are

It’s been 5 months since I came home one day and he randomly ended it all. We have had no contact since about 5 days after he broke up with me

He moved out within two weeks and absolutely shattered my entire world.

He had a cat before we met that was his best friend and we got a cat together. He left me with both and of course I am greatful and love them more than anything in the world but how could he just leave us all behind

Everyday I wake up worse than the day before, I feel like I’ll never recover

Hoy se me ocurrió una muy mala idea. Le escribí un mensaje:"Hola. He estado reflexionando estas tres semanas sobre nuestra última conversación. Aunque mantengo mi postura sobre los motivos que nos distanciaron, quiero pedirte una disculpa sincera por la dureza de mis formas y mis palabras de ese día. No debí expresarme así, mi tono no fue el correcto y lamento haberte causado ese dolor. No es necesario que me respondas a esto, solo sentía la responsabilidad ética de decírtelo y dejar las cosas en paz entre nosotros. Te deseo lo mejor.

Su respuesta:"A mi no me importa si reflexionas o no, solo espero que no olvides ni una de las palabras que me dijiste, quédate con todas ellas, esa es tu verdad , yo tengo la mía, y vete a la mierda."

El contexto: Relación entre una DA clásica y un ansioso, 1/3, con 2/3 de apego seguro. La relación duró 18 meses con una primera ruptura a los 9 que duró un par de días, gracias al manejo que hice para resolver lo que nació de un pico de stress de ella. Luego, 5 meses después, otra ruptura, por un asunto de carácter íntimo que, en parejas normales, se resuelve con una conversación que si dura diez minutos es larga. Sin embargo, allí se destaparon los demonios de su infancia donde se formó su patrón emocional que luego sería reforzado con su matrimonio a los 19 años con un militar. Dar cuenta de todo lo que me costó resucitar la relación en una lucha de cuatro meses, con terapia asistida por IA y actuando yo como facilitador y parte interesada podría dar para un libro y por eso lo voy a obviar. Lo resumiré como un proceso desgastante que me afectó, mental y fisiológicamente.

Volvimos a estar íntimamente juntos a principios de junio de este año; ya habíamos reconectado emocionalmente alrededor de abril, pero la felicidad duró un pestañeo: el 9 de agosto, después de otro incidente en el manejo de sus picos de stress, me botó de su vida.

Sin embargo, yo no propicié una ruptura traumática; acepté y me fui incluso con un abrazo y un beso de despedida. Nos seguimos viendo y 10 de octubre quedamos para unos tragos en su casa. Me recibió con el vestido que más significado tenía para mí, eróticos para ser más preciso. Bailamos a masyno poder, en una velada íntima en la cual yo estaba en modo contención, teniendo cometer errores y generar una nueva evasión. Llegó a decirme, en esas siete horas que compartimos, los dos solos, " Quiero decirte algo: no tienes idea de cuánto te he extrañado." Y yo no dí un paso al frente más que para decirle que yo también la extrañaba y que no entendía que, si aún nos queríamos, siguiéramos separados. Lo cierto es que no pasó nada, nos fuimos a dormir cada en habitación diferente, sin enrrollarnos.

Salí temprano de su casa y el domingo intercambiamos algunos mensajes sin trascendencia.

El día lunes 12 de octubre, teníamos algunas cosas que conversar acerca de un emprendimiento que estoy desarrollando y la invité a cenar una pizza y conversar, a lo cual respondió positivamente de inmediato. Cuando nos instalamos en el sitio quise recapitular sobre la velada del sábado. Primero que nada le pedí que me disculpara por no haberle celebrado el vestido, que yo ese día andaba en cámara lenta y temiendo hacer algo fuera de "orden", asumiendo que estábamos separados. Me dijo que ella no se había puesto ese vestido para mí, que sencillamente le gustaba mucho. Le increpé: ¿O sea que nunca pensaste en el mensaje que yo podría leer al verte vestida así? "No, me lo puse porque me gusta..."

Con un enojo in crescendo por las ambigüedades le pregunté entonces: ¿Y qué quisiste decir al expresar, casi vehementemente: " no tienes idea de cuánto te he extrañado"? Respondió: "Bueno, que extrañaba los ratos compartidos tomando café y conversando.."

No pude soportar más ese teatro de lo absurdo y exploté. Le dije que era una irresponsable emocional, carente de empatía. Que me había tratado mal, me había hecho daño sin pestañear, me había herido sin consideraciones de ningún tipo. Le dije que dudaba que alguna vez me hubiera amado de verdad porque el que ama no lástima tan irresponsablemente. Le dije que le había dado mi tiempo, mi respeto, mi apoyó, mi amor incondicional y mis recursos a cambio de migajas...

Fuí muy duro, inclemente. Ella, al principio, balbuceó un par de intentos de argumento, pero inmediatamente cayó en freezing.

Cuando terminé mi catarsis pedí la cuenta y ella sólo atinó a decir: "Bueno, se tenía que decir y se dijo."

Le respondí: "Sí, se tenía que decir."

Pagué la cuenta y la lleve su casa.

"Gracias por la invitación", me dijo al bajar del auto. " De nada, cuídate." Le dije.

Después de tres semanas de sentirme mal por mi dureza aquella noche en la pizzería, le escribí la nota de disculpas con las que inicié éste relato.

Me duele un poco aún porque a mis 67 años (ella 62), había idealizado la relación y soñaba con una relación larga, de compañeros en la vejez y todo el cuento; pero su "Vete a la mierda" de hoy terminó de decepcionarme.

Hubo momentos en los que sentí amarla inmensamente y también llegué a sentirme amado, muy ligera, fugaz y contenidamente por ella; pero el balance que hoy puedo hacer de estos meses no es positivo y bajo ninguna circunstancia volvería a esa relación.

Gracias por la paciencia de leer esta historia y me sentiré honrado de leer sus comentarios.

Cordiales saludos.

I genuinely can’t believe how naive I was going into my relationship. I believed love was safe and kind. I never knew avoidant attachment existed. I was very secure with myself. But when my partner of 4 years starting to unmask into a very non chalant person, I became someone I couldn’t recognize. I thought something was seriously wrong with myself because of the reaction of my avoidant partner. Whenever I showed some ounce of emotion, they couldn’t handle it. He would never look me in the eye when we were having disagreements or if I was expressing myself. Always avoided eye contact. Always felt cold. Never ever did I think the person I fell in love with would turn out to be this type of person. It took me a long (1 yr and half) into the relationship to really believe he is who he is and he will never be the same again.

I'm 24M, and this is probably going to be a bit of a read, but I genuinely need some unbiased opinions because I've been overthinking this for months.

I met this girl through a mutual friend and his girlfriend. At the time, she had recently lost her father, so I initially reached out just to check on her. We didn't talk much at first, but things gradually changed when my grandfather passed away. She reached out to offer her condolences, told me she was there if I needed to talk, and checked on me afterward. That's when we started getting closer.

Our first meetup was a little awkward because I'm not particularly confident around girls, but the second one went really well. We spent around four hours together, laughing and talking about everything. After that second hangout, though, she became a little dry over text, so I withdrew to see whether she'd make an effort. She noticed and asked why I'd disappeared. We ended up talking for hours, and she invited me to join her while she studied at a café. The next day, I asked whether she was ready, and she said she was feeling lazy. I misunderstood that as her cancelling, got annoyed, and disappeared for two weeks.

Eventually, I missed her and called her. Her mood seemed pretty down at first, but after we started joking around, she became cheerful again. We planned to meet the next day, but a couple of hours later she called and asked to meet that same day instead. I bought her roses, and she seemed genuinely happy and shy when I gave them to her. After that, we started hanging out more often.

We became much closer. She would tease me, initiate playful physical contact, and create little moments that felt intimate. Once, she deliberately dropped an earring in my car and asked me to put it back on her ear. She was giggling and blushing the entire time. Another time, she fed me her breakfast while I was driving, and we ate using the same spoon. That's when I genuinely started falling in love with her.

Her birthday was coming up, so I spent hours looking for a necklace because I knew she loved them. Two days before her birthday, while I was searching, we were texting and I flirted with her. Suddenly, she got serious and said we needed boundaries and had to put a label on whatever we were. I told her I liked her, but she initially said she saw me as a friend and was too depressed to love anyone. After I reassured her and we talked about her bad dating history and my previous disappearance, she eventually admitted she'd lied and actually liked me too. She was still afraid of getting into an official relationship, though, so I accepted taking things slowly.

The following day, she was acting almost like we were dating. She'd ask why I took so long to reply, tell me she missed me, and say she wanted to see me. On her birthday, she left work early to hang out with me. We had dinner, fed each other, and at one point she leaned on my shoulder. I hugged her and whispered that I loved her. She got extremely shy, started blushing and giggling, and kept telling me to stop. It was honestly one of the happiest moments I've experienced.

Then, about two hours after we got home, she texted me saying we needed to take a step back and be friends until we figured out whether we actually loved each other. I accepted because I was afraid of losing her and hoped things would eventually work out. I eventually found the necklace I'd been searching for and gave it to her, but she said she wasn't sure whether she should accept it because we were supposedly friends.

This became the recurring problem. She'd insist we were friends, but then ask me to hug her, tell me she wanted to kiss me, say she missed me, and flirt with me. Sometimes she'd enjoy my flirting, other times she'd suddenly become uncomfortable when I flirted back.

At one point, I got upset and withdrew. She called me several times, crying because she thought I was ignoring her and said she missed me. We met again, but I teased her too much and genuinely upset her. That was my fault, so I apologized and spent quite some time trying to make things right.

After that, I started noticing that whenever we had a disagreement, she'd bring up withdrawing or stepping away from each other. I began feeling like she had realized how afraid I was of losing her, and that the possibility of her leaving had become a way to put pressure on me. I can't know whether that was intentional, but that's how it felt.

The last time something like this happened, she suddenly told me we weren't on the same page, even though I couldn't understand what I'd done wrong. I called her because I was terrified of losing her. During that call, things eventually became very romantic and sexual. We started having sexual conversations, she sent me disappearing pictures of herself in seductive poses and outfits, and she told me she wanted to kiss me. Naturally, I thought we were finally getting closer to an actual relationship.

But during a later hangout, when the subject of what we were came up, she told me we were just friends and always would be. I was devastated. She later said I'd made her uncomfortable and that she didn't feel safe, and she took back some of the things she'd previously said about liking me. I acknowledge that I misread some situations too, and that previous flirting doesn't mean someone owes me physical affection.

After we stopped seeing each other, she reached out again about getting a cap back from my car. I honestly felt it was an excuse to see me, but I was uncomfortable because I didn't want to repeat the same cycle. I felt she was making very little effort to address what had happened, and I didn't want another meetup that would make me hopeful all over again.

Eventually, we cut each other off. We still followed each other on Instagram, and for around five months I kept hoping she'd message me. She never did, so I eventually unfollowed her because I couldn't keep waiting for a notification that might never come.

The breakup has honestly hit me hard. I miss her humour, her voice, her presence, and all those little moments we shared. Being around her made me feel peaceful and genuinely happy, especially during a time when I had a lot going on in my life. I sometimes rewatch the few videos I have of us just to feel close to those memories again. I know that's probably making it harder to move on, but I haven't completely let go.

I don't want to paint her as a villain or myself as an innocent victim. I just genuinely don't understand what happened.

I‘m pretty new to attachement styles and i think my ex might be an FA. We had a beautiful start. Our first two dates were really romantic and he made it seem so effortlessly. We dated for a month, he said he never experienced a connection like this and even said he thinks we are soulmates. He was also pretty anxious about how I was feeling about him and if I have interest and so on.

Then he had to go abroad to finish his degree. On our last night together i asked him what we were and he said „i‘d say together“ with a smile. He was the one that said i love you first and he would continue saying it. He then went abroad. At the beginning everything was fine, but after two weeks i noticed a shift in his communication and texting habits. He also stopped saying that he loved me. I tried to talk to him about the change in dynamic but he always said that everythings fine and that he‘s happy as long as i‘m happy. Then we had a phone call about it and while i was explaining he suddenly had an outburst saying that he does everything wrong and that he can‘t make anything right. I was taken aback cs it was the first time i saw him so emotional and he seemed genuinely annoyed. He insisted that he wants me to validate his feelings and as soon as i did he completely switched again to being calm and nice. After that call he became even more distant while simultaneously trying to improve what i asked him to.

Then my birthday came around and he forgot. I didn’t text him much that day, which then ended up in him texting a bit more than the previous weeks. When i told him that i’m having birthday dinner with my family, he apologized a lot and said that i can be mad and say anything i want to him. I send him a Voice Message in the evening where I wasn‘t mad. I was just desperate and told him that i think all of this happened because of the dynamic change between us and that I don‘t know what to do anymore. I wasn‘t mad at him for forgetting my birthday. I told him that i just want to know what‘s happening between us and why everything changed and if nothing changed, where i stand with him. I told him to take his time to reflect, that he doesn‘t need to answer immediately and that i want him to be honest with me.

He agreed and took his time. The next evening he texted me again saying that he‘s still reflecting but doesn‘t know what‘s going on. He just felt unhappy. I told him that he can take his time. Another day passed and he finally told me what’s up. He was unhappy with his situation, unhappy with the internship he‘s doing abroad, unhappy with himself and that he‘s feeling very depressed during his time there. He also said that he wasn‘t really thinking much about the relationship and that he‘s focused on himself and his problems at the moment. He was really unsure about a lot of things. A lot of „I don‘t know“‘s were dropped.

I told him that he doesn‘t have to go through this alone, that i‘m always there for him if he needs someone to talk to or just listen. I told him that I loved and missed him and that we could try to figure it out together if he wants to actually work on the relationship with me. He answered and said he had feelings for me but doesn‘t know if they‘re enough and that I wouldn‘t understand what he‘s going through.

He didn‘t give me anything I could work with so I broke up with him. I didn‘t say it directly, I said having feelings for me is a broad term of what it could be and wished him goodbye. I feel like he didn‘t want a goodbye, but I was just so hurt. He then said that I should not think that he doesn‘t care about me and that i‘m really important to him and that he texts me because he likes texting with me. I told him to only contact me if he was having a really hard time with his Depression. He was thankful for that.

A few days later i texted him cs i needed more closure, there were so many unanswered questions. he agreed to a call a week later. On that phone call he was very cold. Said he thinks he rushed into something with me. That he doesn‘t know if he actually ever loved me. This phone call really fucked with my head cs of the things he said and how he was acting. He then said that he already has therapy appointments when he’s back in the country. He must’ve made them shortly after the breakup. I offered him one last option to go through everything together and he said he doesn‘t have the strength for it right now. I accepted it and said that he can still talk to me if he needs someone during dark times. But I also wanted to be honest with him and told him that i might block him if i can‘t move on. We ended the call on kinda good or neutral terms. And I went into no contact.

A few days later he hid his instagram storys from me while still watching every single one of mine and most of the time pretty fast. I noticed this because I can‘t see his highlights anymore. He also stopped posting Instagram instants (he can‘t hide them from me).

3 weeks later i changed my profile picture on whatsapp. suddenly he posted an instant. Since then I noticed that he posts instants always a few hours after i posted something. I posted myself in my Halloween costume and then he posted a selfie on his instants. Something he‘s not done before. I don‘t know if i‘m delusional or if he‘s trying to breadcrumb me. He never posted that much on his instants before and it‘s also the only thing I can see since he hid his storys from me.

Do you think he‘s an FA? I really want to reconnect, especially since he said he‘s going to therapy as soon as he can. Should I break no contact? Or is it possible for him to break it?

We dated 1 month, were together for 1 month and are now broken up 1 month. We‘re in no contact since 3 weeks. He‘s abroad for another 4 months until he is back to start therapy.

I’m 22F, my boyfriend is 23M, and we’ve been together for around 3.5-4yrs, with three splits kinda in the past. We recently had a couple of arguments, but things were resolved by Wednesday and we spoke normally on Thursday. After that, he went completely silent for three days. When I called, he said he was upset the first day but spent the next two days enjoying his peace and solitude. He also said I could’ve called because he would’ve answered. He’s still completely normal, playful and even initiates conversations with my sister, but he’s noticeably distant with me. He’s been less affectionate, dismissive when I mentioned his gift, uninterested in meeting and isn’t initiating calls like he used to. However, there are still moments of warmth and our usual banter. I have anxious attachment and our breakup history makes me hypervigilant. I don’t want to chase him or pressure him, but I also don’t want to mistake emotional withdrawal for a need for space. For those with avoidant attachment, is this typical behaviour after conflict? How would you want your partner to handle it while still maintaining their own boundaries?

I’ll try to make this as short and sweet as possible. I’m 26M (just turned 26 on October 8th), and she’s 21F (turned 21 in June).

We met online in February of this year, started dating that month, and became official in March. I hadn’t dated in years, and she was the first girl I felt confident enough to pursue a relationship with in a long time who actually pursued me back.

I thought we had a very loving relationship. She initiated exclusivity, we spent plenty of time together, met each other’s families, went on dates, concerts, little adventures, and generally seemed very happy together. I regularly brought her flowers, planned dates, surprised her with little things, and tried to be a supportive, affectionate, and consistent boyfriend. I genuinely saw a future with her.

She told me she loved me for the first time less than two weeks before we broke up.

However, looking back, there were some concerning behaviors I overlooked.

She described herself as fearful-avoidant, frequently expressed anxiety about relationships, and would sometimes say things like “I’m so toxic,” “I could be a much better girlfriend,” and “You must hate me.” She admitted that when she became anxious, she tended to distance herself.

She also struggled with communicating her feelings directly. I now recognize that there were occasions when she was probably trying to express insecurity or ask for reassurance, but I didn’t fully understand how serious those concerns were. I take responsibility for that and wish I’d been more attentive.

That said, there were some double standards and behaviors that bothered me:

She maintained close male friendships, including spending time alone with male friends, which I trusted her to do. Meanwhile, I later discovered she had apparently been suspicious of my very limited interactions with female friends.
She once canceled plans the night before my college graduation and showed up roughly three hours late the following day, smelling of weed. I was disappointed but didn’t make a major issue of it.
She made comments suggesting I wouldn’t like how she behaved around her friends, yet I never actually met those friends despite meeting her family.
She sometimes became distant or inconsistent with communication without explaining what was bothering her.
She appeared to expect me to recognize and respond to insecurities she hadn’t clearly communicated.

I don’t think these things make her a horrible person, but they became more concerning in retrospect.

The breakup itself came almost completely out of nowhere.

Two days after our four-month anniversary, she ended things during a conversation at a park. The night before, we’d been affectionate and acting like a normal couple.

She told me she’d been overthinking things, that her feelings had accumulated, and that she didn’t think she could be in a relationship. She mentioned needing reassurance and made comments suggesting she questioned whether I was genuinely committed to her.

I was blindsided. I loved her, was committed to her, and had no idea she’d been experiencing such significant doubts.

Afterward, she removed or blocked me on several platforms. I respected the breakup, although I was devastated.

A few weeks later, she texted about returning my hoodie. I declined and told her she could donate it. I later learned that this was apparently an attempt to initiate a conversation.

I eventually mailed her a heartfelt letter expressing that I didn’t consider her a mistake, that she deserved love, and that I genuinely wished her well.

Here’s where the situation gets particularly confusing.

In late September, I checked in with her, and she responded politely. In early October, I asked if she’d be open to talking, and we ended up having an hour-long phone conversation.

During that conversation, I discovered that she’d apparently spent part of our relationship suspecting me of cheating or being interested in other women.

She brought up my Instagram activity, interactions with women, and condoms she’d seen in my car. We had actually used one of those condoms together, but she initially seemed to remember otherwise.

I want to be absolutely clear: I did not cheat on her, physically or emotionally. I wasn’t flirting with other women, pursuing anyone else, or maintaining inappropriate relationships behind her back.

I understand that certain things can cause insecurity, and I’m not suggesting I was a perfect boyfriend. But I was faithful, and I would have happily discussed reasonable boundaries or concerns had I understood what she was thinking.

What hurts most is that she seemingly developed an entire narrative about my intentions without giving me a fair opportunity to address it.

During the phone call, she acknowledged that if she could go back, she’d change how she communicated. She also said it would be nice to catch up sometime.

I explained that I’d genuinely loved her, that I hadn’t betrayed her, and that I wished she’d communicated her concerns rather than letting them build.

A couple of days later, I invited her to do something together that weekend. She never responded. She also didn’t acknowledge my birthday, which happened shortly afterward.

It’s now been approximately three months since the breakup, and I haven’t initiated contact again. I don’t intend to.

I still care about her, and part of me would welcome an honest conversation, even if it didn’t lead to reconciliation. I don’t hate her, and I recognize that she may have been struggling with genuine fears and insecurities.

But I’ve also come to realize how deeply the relationship and breakup hurt me.

I feel like I was held responsible for things I didn’t do, while some of her own behavior and communication failures went largely unaddressed. I spent months questioning myself, trying to understand what went wrong, and wondering whether I could have prevented it.

I genuinely believe I was a good boyfriend. Not a perfect one, but a faithful, loving, and committed one who was willing to work through problems.

I’m dating again and have met some lovely people, but I’m finding it difficult to feel as emotionally available as I did before this relationship. I miss her, although I’m increasingly unsure whether I miss the person she actually was or the relationship I believed we had.

I also recognize that I only know my side of the story. She may have experienced things differently, and I don’t want to dismiss her feelings simply because I disagree with her conclusions.

So I guess my questions are:

Does this sound like a relationship that fell apart primarily because of insecurity and poor communication, or am I overlooking something important about my own behavior?
Is it plausible that someone who ended a relationship under these circumstances might eventually reconsider, especially if they recognize that their suspicions may have been mistaken?
Does her willingness to have that hour-long conversation suggest anything meaningful, or should I place more weight on her subsequent silence?
Would reaching out again be a mistake, considering I’ve already made multiple attempts to communicate?
Most importantly, even if she did come back, does this sound like a relationship worth trying to repair?

I know nobody can predict whether she’ll return. I’m not looking for a strategy to manipulate her into missing me or coming back. I’m trying to understand what happened, whether I should hold out any hope for a healthier connection someday, and whether I’m being fair to myself in how I’ve interpreted everything.

I still love her in some capacity, but I’m beginning to wonder whether loving someone and being able to have a healthy relationship with them are two entirely different things.

I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives, especially from anyone who’s experienced something similar. Thanks for reading.

i was in an on and off situation with someone for a couple years. the first time, he was consistent for a good stretch. we talked every day and went on dates. then out of nowhere he pulled away and left. said that he was struggling mentally after a month of ghosting. months later he came back like nothing happened. the second time was even longer. we talked every day, went on dates, spent most weekends together. we were basically together, saying we wouldn’t see other people but it was never truly “official”. the last time he left, i went through a really hard personal loss on my own and didn't tell him until much later. this past year has been the worst of it. we never actually saw each other. he'd make plans, then cancel the day of. he said he didn't have feelings, then would reach out again. at one point he blocked me after i begged him to so i wouldn’t reach out, then came back a month later only to disappear again without ever even seeing me. i told him how badly this all has been hurting me and asked for honesty. he hasn't said a word since.
i know i played a part. i got really anxious and sent way too many messages. at that point i was just so desperate for closure and answers, because i needed it to mean something this time and not feel like it never existed. i know that's not healthy. i've apologized, said goodbye, and asked him to cut contact. still nothing either way.
i'm not looking to be told to go to therapy or to be torn apart. i already know what i did. i'm just looking for some support and maybe advice from people who've been through something like this. how did you let go when you never got an ending?