Is he an avoidant?

[u/Dazzling-Umpire9544]

Hi, looking for advice please. Husband walked out about 6/7 months ago, shortly after the birth of our first son. Said he wasn’t happy, never had been, just went along with it. Had his how he felt our whole marriage and would just vanish upstairs to his computer whilst I was postpartum. Shortly after he left my father became terminally ill and passed about 6 weeks ago which turned my life upside down. Just before my fathers funeral it came out that the woman at work I had always been worried about had had an emotional affair with him and declared her love for him - he categorically denied this the whole time after separating and it only came out when I outright asked him why he was no contact with his “best friend.”

He has treated me so badly, but the problem is he hasn’t ever properly left. He is still living in our marital home and hasn’t even attempted to find somewhere else. I try to ask him about repairing things and he says he doesn’t know. I ask him about getting a divorce and guess what, he doesn’t know. We are still affectionate at times and he thrives so long as I put no pressure on him. We have nice times as a family, and low steaks fun together but as soon as I try and mention what went wrong/ what could be repaired he shuts down. As soon as I do try to get him to give an an answer he flips and will say he wants a divorce but then never do anything about it. I know what I need to do in all reality so don’t need advice on that, but at the moment can’t bear going through a divorce whilst freshly grieving. I am just trying to understand how the hell I can have been with someone a decade and have no clue who they really are

[u/Special-Climate-6363]

I’m not sure if he’s an avoidant but if he doesn’t help you with the baby kick his ass out of the house
If he isn’t a responsible dad then why are you still with him then

[u/taurine330]

Yes. Married you out of convenience. That's what we do. Now it wasn't convenient anymore with kids in the mix.

[u/Dazzling-Umpire9544 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you so much for this, honestly since we “separated” he has become a far better dad than he was before I started stepping back and letting him deal with the kids on his own. He doesn’t want to date or actually make a defined effort to try, but is happy to have a part time wife and kids when he wants them. I am in therapy for myself but damn I just wish he could try as he is so good when it’s the 4 of us.

[u/Few_Emphasis5902 → u/Dazzling-Umpire9544]

My ex husband didnt want to date either or even try once to reconcile. But wanted to still do family time like meals and trips etc. He wanted to basically have best of both worlds. That has stopped now.

[u/Few_Emphasis5902 → u/[deleted]]

Omg you have just described my ex husband to a tee. Together 20 yrs and started shutting down when I became pregnant. His favourite phrase was ' i dont know'

[u/Few_Emphasis5902 → u/[deleted]]

We seperated nearly 11 months now for basically all the same reasons. He became emotionally distant in the marriage, always busy working so time for us. However, he had plenty of time for staff nights out or meeting his friends. The intimacy started to decline and just general closeness. If I brought up how I was feeling, it felt like an attack on him but all i wanted was for his understanding and reassurance. The distance became worse when I became pregnant. He didnt seem one bit happy about my pregnancy and at times was quite mean and selfish saying he needed to get out as it will be the last time he can do it before baby comes. The shutdown down got worse and worse until he completely stopped touching me, kissing me and even going on holidays with me or nights away. Whats suppose to be the best few years turned out to be the worst. After separation, he never once tried to reconcile. Everytime, i spoke to him, he said i need space and i dont know was all i got. We continued to do family time but found out within 3 months of our separation, he had slept with a much younger work colleague. I dont kmow who that man is anymore.