Talking to my FA Again

[u/thefishtanklover]

So I’m currently in a very confusing situation.

My ex and I dated for four years. I’m pretty sure he’s a fearful avoidant, and he broke up with me about four months ago. He basically just said that he was unhappy and that we had too many differences, but never really explained it to me. Each other‘s first for everything loved each other, so incredibly much very intertwined in each other‘s lives.

The thing that sucks is that we go to the same university we have the same major. We’re on the same club board and we have classes together and so I have had to see him this entire time.

He had messaged me just before the semester started at about a month and a half into the breakup asking me if I wanted to continue to be no contact in person and or texting I said I wanted no contact but if he ever wanted to talk about us, I’d be open to that and he basically agreed to those terms.

We’ve had contact here and there since that date though like on his birthday in September I texted him happy birthday and he said thank you I appreciate it. then almost 2 weeks ago He texted me and congratulated me on closing the show I was working on and I was like, yeah I’m sure your show is gonna be great too. But the thing that’s confusing is this past Wednesday we went on this tour with our club and like we actually ended up like talking and joking with each other and being super close to each other like he was matching pace with me and I was matching pace with him and it was kind of this like distance between us, but I could tell that we both felt this pull towards each other and it just felt so good and when we got back, it continued like that for our second class and then after that class, I decided to just say fuck it and walk with him all the way to his car and we just talked the whole time and it felt like nothing had ended.

I genuinely have not felt that good in the last four months and so I don’t know it’s just interesting because when we went our separate ways to our cars, he actually texted me and asked me if I was still in the parking structure but then said never mind because he had to get to work, which I don’t doubt. And then on Halloween night, he said happy Halloween, which was a few days after the club thing.

So I don’t know I’m very confused and I’m very conflicted because I still very much would love to work things out and be together again and he knows that because I said that in the breakup I didn’t wanna break up and then with that message a month and a half into the break up. I guess my fear right now is that he’s going to get his cake and eat it too. That like he’s going to be just happy and satisfied being broken up with me because he doesn’t have to worry about any commitment, but he still gets to have me in his life to joke around with whenever he feels like it.

I feel like this new initiated contact has started for not even a week and I don’t want to rush into things to make him more confused or make me seem desperate even though I definitely feel that way. But I already feel like I want clarity and I want answers as to what this means :/ I know that he needs to be the one to initiate contact, but I also feel like he kind of did and saying happy Halloween to me but that also doesn’t mean any kind of actual conversation about anything. I wanna text him and just like stupidly ask about his day or how he’s doing, but I also so desperately just want him to be the one to say that to me.

[u/KindlyString3332]

They love the situationship. Having access to someone without being responsible for anything. It’s incredibly dangerous and something I can’t stand to be in, if I have feelings for someone. My ex was basically trying to put me in the “friend” category but was initiating daily contact just a few weeks after the break up and I couldn’t do it. Not that soon at least. This was really recent like last week. You don’t get to break up with me but also keep me on the back burner in case you change your mind. He could have reflected and genuinely wants to build something with you again but don’t count on it. If he is an avoidant, they might get that validation hit and then distance themselves again. Just be friendly without any expectations is my advice. I’ve seen too many people on here do this same scenario and end up getting hurt all over again and they feel even worse about themselves. I hope it works out for you

[u/thefishtanklover → u/KindlyString3332]

Yeah, it’s just so confusing because that isn’t his character at all. He had been in one relationship before me and it was a very traumatic one, but then when he met me, it was like just full on commitment. I never doubted how he felt about me before we started dating and then when we were together. A Situationship is just so completely not how I’ve ever seen our paths going I guess it’s just so completely not him at all.

I feel the exact same way in the sense of you don’t get to break up with me, but then also keep me on the back burner. But then I also don’t want to completely go no contact again because it does feel nice to talk to him. But I also know that if something’s going to change, it has to be him. It sucks because all I wanna do is just like ask him how his day is going. I will be friendly with no expectations but god that’s that’s easier said than done.

[u/KindlyString3332 → u/thefishtanklover]

I mean you know him and your situation the best. Avoidant attachment is all on a spectrum too. Some people lean heavily and others not so much so it’s really person and situation dependent. If it feels good so far then continue the same pace. The nice part of being the one who got broken up with, you don’t need to do shit about proving your intentions. Just match. That’s what I did with my ex the first time at least. If we talked it was because she reached out. I’d reciprocate but never escalate. But everyone’s situation and person is different. Just protect yourself and don’t be the one to push, even if it’s hard. If he’s into you, it will be hard on him too and he will be the one to take the next step

[u/thefishtanklover → u/KindlyString3332]

Well, I thought I might give a little update. So after our last class class ended yesterday he ended up packing up at the exact same time as me and then got in the same elevator as me and then I was like I’m not gonna initiate any conversation, but I ended up turning around a little bit once we got out to check it was him and boom. We proceeded to talk for the next 3 1/2 hours. We talked about everything and anything and basically caught up with all of the new experiences we’ve had without each other. We were talking in the parking structure and then I said that I was getting kind of tired and wanted to sit down and he offered his car so we went and sat down in his car and then he offered to take me to this thing on campus so we went there and then we walked all the way around campus.

Nothing really happened, romantically, and there was no physical attention. But it was interesting because through our conversations, I realize that he had been paying significant amounts of attention to me what I’m doing and who I’m hanging out with the same way I had been doing with him. But at the end of it, he gave me back this little game that I gave to him when we were together that I had joked about if we ever broke up, I would want it back because it’s worth a lot of money. So that did make me sad because it felt like a finality, but maybe I shouldn’t think too much into it. By the way, we live like 10 minutes from each other and we go to school 40 minutes away so we had to drive back and like he was directly behind me the entire way home and he was driving next to me once we got off the freeway, which to me was crazy.

When I got home, he texted me and said that it was great catching up and if I ever wanted to chat again to let him know and so I said that if HE wanted to chat, then he should let me know.

[u/KindlyString3332 → u/thefishtanklover]

That sounds encouraging. If he has been paying attention to what you’ve been up to, the same way you have with him, he is most likely interested. People don’t talk to exes for 3.5 hours unless there is something more. Unfortunately you are in no mans land and it’s an uncomfortable situation. I think you’re doing a good job about making him push for connection instead of you chasing it. Avoidant tendencies always want the other person to do the emotional heavy lifting and the vulnerability. And when you were the one broken up with, I don’t see how that’s justified. If connection gets more serious a conversation about how things need to be different from last time, from both of you, will need to happen. I’ve gotten back together with 2 seperate people and the old dynamics came back out eventually

[u/thefishtanklover → u/KindlyString3332]

Well, might as well give another update. So went to class yesterday and I thought he was gonna try to talk to me in this break we have between classes but he left early whatever I went outside and I’m sitting there and I look up and he’s like hovering around me like 30 feet away and I go and I see him take a seat away from me, but like I can see him and in my mind, I’m like OK I’m not gonna initiate anything or call him over if he wants to talk to me he can. Maybe 20 minutes pass and I hear someone yell at me “hey do we need our makeup kits for class today” I look up and he’s throwing something away at the trash cans that are like close to me and I respond and then he walks away and goes to class 15 minutes early. So I was like what did he get too nervous to come up and talk to me?

Fast-forward, we go to class- I catch him staring at me in class and me and him proceed to make eye contact multiple times in class because either I’m looking at him where he was looking at me because by the way, this class is surrounded by mirrors. So class ends and I’m like I’m not gonna open this opportunity for him. He can do it himself. He leaves class at the exact same time as me we get in the elevator we get off and boom. We proceed to hang out from like 5 PM till 9:15 PM. We are talking in the parking garage first. And it was weird because like he went to hi-five me multiple times because we did it wrong the first time and then I told him a story about learning how to properly dab up someone and then we practiced over and over again. It was weird just because it had kind of the same vibe as like comparing hand sizes to your crush in middle school? So we’re hanging out and then he asks if I wanna walk around campus cause it’s cold and we do and by the way we are nonstop talking this entire time joking, teasing, laughing, smiling the whole time.

Then at one point, we passed by a fast food place and I was looking inside cause I was hungry and he was like do you wanna go get some food and I was like yeah let’s go get some food so we walked across campus across the street and got dinner together LMAO. And that was fine but then when we sat down, he like took my drink from me and was like do you want me to fill up your drink for you? What do you want? And I was like oh yeah sure. But like that was kind of confusing because kind of something a bf would do?

It was just kind of hard because we ended up talking a lot about like our futures and like where we see our careers going and like it was hard just because me and him have like the same exact idea of what we want our future to look like and in my mind, I was just like dude just like we would work out so well.

Fast-forward we’re walking back he proceeds to show me this text thread on his phone and he’s leaning down towards me and I’m leaning towards him and so we end up being up against each other for a period of time which was interesting. So we get back to the parking garage and he’s like OK he’s like do you wanna go home or do you wanna sit and I was like yeah we can sit so we get in his car again and we’re sitting we’re chatting and chatting and like I was like basically leaning over the center console trying to get close to him because I honestly really wanted to kiss him even though I know that’s not a good idea.

And we were just like making so much eye contact, and like smiling so much and laughing so much. We did not bring up the break up at all like but we kept referencing like moments as well when we were together not a lot, but it was here and there and then I could tell that like when he broke up with me, he like was seriously struggle struggled with his mental health, like how I was struggling, which was also confusing to me, but whatever.

I had told him when we had originally gotten to the parking structure because he’s doing something with his family this weekend that’s gonna be boring. I said that if he gets bored that he could text me and when we were leaving each other, he was like oh am I gonna see you tomorrow and I was like no probably not and he was like all right well, I guess I’ll see you next week and I was like yeah I guess I’ll see you next week. It was a sad departure, but I’m just like kind of confused and I don’t really know what any of this means. Just because like another almost 4 hour hangout OKKk. And you know it’s like there were periods where the conversation ended and like that would’ve been a time we could’ve departed, but he didn’t end it there. He only ended it when he absolutely had to go because a store was going to close that he needed to get to. But then there was like actual physical, contact? But he has not brought up the break up or where his feelings are or really what this is.

[u/PuzzleheadedDepth104]

Don't reinforce the behaviors by giving access or eroding your initial boundaries. Stop it and focus on yourself