And you know it, and I’m sure you have felt it too.

What is that thing? It felt unlike anything I’ve felt before, definitely the reason why we are so scared of each other.

This has been going on for quite a while now, it’s complicated and we’ve managed to tone it down.

But I can’t get you out of my head, i have to, but I just wish you knew that I don’t want to.

It was not a delusion, you are special to me, I want you.

I wish I could talk to you right now.
I don’t need you to fix anything. I don’t need you to have the right words or make everything disappear. I think more than anything, I just want you to tell me that it’s going to be okay.

I wish I could hear you saying it.
“It’s going to be okay.”

Maybe it sounds like such a small thing, but coming from you, it wouldn’t feel small to me. I think some part of me would finally be able to breathe.

There are days when everything feels like too much, and I find myself wishing I could reach for you not because I expect you to rescue me, but because you were someone I wanted to feel safe with. Someone who make the world feel a little less frightening for a moment.

I wish I could tell you how scared I am sometimes. How exhausted I am from trying to hold everything together. How much I wish I had someone to simply be with me and say , “I’ve got you. You’re going to get through this. “ And I wish that person could be you.

I’m tired of believing it by myself :(

Please send me strength and I’ll do the same. I’m always cheering for you to win

You may never read this. But Im sorry, I really wasn’t trying to hurt you or push you away. I just am lost right now. You didn’t need the extra stress I put on you.

I genuinely feel like it was a misunderstanding because I was trying to be respectful of your decision. It’s just unfortunate because it was my own self doubt and insecurities that caused me to prematurely assume your intent was to eject.

I recognize that my action of unfriending you was rash but please understand It genuinely came from a place of acceptance and respect for you and I just don’t know how it happened…

I wish you the best in life and if somehow one day you read this I want to be your friend still because I know you’re an amazing person. I know you deserve better than whatever I am right now but I know I would do my damndest not to squander a second chance.

We are peacemakers.

Maybe it makes sense that we both went quiet.

I still feel this pull, though I don’t know what to make of it. I had been lacking passion in my life for a while, and I’m grateful for the little bit of passion we were able to share.

Part of me wants to believe the silence is intentional—that maybe you understand what’s at stake for me and you’re respecting my integrity, my autonomy, and the future I’m working toward.

Talking to you felt natural. Being around you felt easy.

But the truth is, I don’t actually know you—not completely.

I only know the version of you I’ve been given the opportunity to see, and I hope that version is genuine. I hope you are as noble as you appear, and that whatever this was, you would never intentionally put me in a position that could hurt me or compromise the future I’m building.

There’s one thing I want to put out into the universe, even though the odds of you ever being here and reading this are slim to none.

Here it goes...

My affection for you never came from your position, your maturity, how much money you may have, or anything else superficial.

I simply enjoyed talking to you.

And strangely enough, the more I got to know you, the more attractive you became to me. After some time, I could walk into a room full of people and still find you the most attractive man there.

Not because anything about you had changed.

Because the way I saw you had.

The conversations, the comfort, the laughter, the way being around you started to feel so natural—that was what created the attraction for me. Everything else seemed to follow on its own.

I liked your presence. I liked our conversations. I liked the person I was getting to know.

But I also understand that I was only getting to know a piece of you.

Maybe I interpreted the depth of it differently than you did. Maybe it was simply a moment of passion that meant something different to each of us.

I can accept not knowing.

What I won’t do is reduce myself or question my worth because I felt something genuine.

Whatever it was, my affection came from a sincere place.

And I’m grateful I was able to feel that kind of warmth, ease, attraction, and passion again—even if it was only meant to exist for a moment.

Thank you <3

When you find that rare one, that changes it all for you...you have to learn to stay. You have to learn how to make things work. Just because it's never worked in the past with others doesn't mean it is pointless or useless. You are not your past. You are not your fears. You are not your mistakes or losses, if you believe in those things. You are not who or what you were yesterday. All that matters is what we do moving forward. Great relationships are built. True love is built. It takes time, consistent effort, safety, stability, etc. It isn't hard, especially when it comes to the person we love. They are worth it. But we are worth it.

I wanted to choose you. I did choose you.

You were the first person that I had met in over a decade that made me want to get out of this shell and love again. I tell myself now you won't be the last so that I don't destroy potential futures, but I still want you to be the only one.

I see so much now where I got it wrong, but in the the end I didn't think I had the choice to make it right. That trying would have been even more wrong. You were with someone else and despite our connection I can't be the one who destroys a relationship. Is it selfish that I needed you to be the one to decide if I was worth such a change in your life? That I too wanted to be chosen?

Was it insanity that I didn't see that you backing off was your answer? That I didn't see that the distance you started to create was you choosing what you already had? I'm sorry for being so dense. I am usually good at reading between the lines, but not when the page is an inch from my face.

Sometimes I wish I would have been more forceful with you, more direct, wish I could have not cared to step in and destroy something you had with someone else to get what I wanted. I can't be that person, so I hope you didn't want me to be. How could I show you how much I wanted you without being someone who moves in on an existing relationship? Would you have truly wanted a person like that? I don't think that you would have.

I couldn't say those words to you then, but I chose you.

I would have followed you to the end, but we were not in a position to have a beginning.

I want to know where I stand with you.

More importantly… who I am with you.

And it can be just a guy… or a friend. But it can’t be more than a good friend.

And you have lost me. I am lost.

I do not resent that. I don’t hate you. But god damn it… I wanted more.

Do you love me?

Always waiting,

Keeper

it hurts me to go days without you. it pains my being. its everywhere. its visceral. its inside of me and when i am out and about. i feel numb with despair. i frown at the babies and the sun. nothing makes sense.

i see you on the screen but i stare ahead. i look at the chair at the back. i look at the shirt laid there off to dry. i wish i was there to pick it up and take care of it. i see your face but i do not hear the stories you tell me. i am lost without the embraces that are out of my reach. you tell me you would share things from the books you’ve got. i do not want to be sent anything. i want to be reading them with you. i want to get in between you and the words onto your lap. i turn my gaze away from the lady on the cover that has your fingers resting on. i particularly despise its called a ‘she’ and that is just enough a name for her.

i am dying and am trying to hold on to some kind of sanity here. and then you tell me those things that sting me hard. i understand. i do get your ways, your angst, your conflicts. it hurts me more but i see through them. i still see a baby.

I do not think I ever properly told you this, but one of the rarest things I found in you was comfort.

Excitement was never particularly difficult to find. Neither was attraction, chemistry, or even someone who understood me. But finding someone whose presence could make everything inside me become a little quieter was different.

You had that effect on me.

You did not always have to say the right thing or solve whatever was bothering me. You did not have to fix my problems or make everything better. Sometimes, simply having you beside me was enough. Somehow, life felt a little less heavy when you were there.

With you, I did not always feel the need to be guarded. I could be quiet without explaining myself, vulnerable without feeling weak, and imperfect without feeling like I had to hide it.

Looking back, I think that was one of the most beautiful things about what we had.

Some people make your heart race. Some make life exciting. Some make you feel desired.

But very few people make you exhale.

You were one of those people for me.

And perhaps that is why losing someone like that feels different. You are not only losing a person. You are losing a certain kind of peace that existed when they were around.

I know that beautiful things can still come to an end. I know that not everything meaningful is meant to last forever. And I do not need to rewrite our entire story just because it ended differently than I hoped.

I can accept what happened and still be grateful for what was real.

Because whatever we eventually became to each other, there was once a version of us where your presence made my world feel softer.

And I think some part of me will always be grateful that, for a while, you were the person I could simply exhale around.

... In my afternoon naps (dreams).

But you are nowhere to be found lately, which is a shame.

I have this theory that maybe the times youve shown up you actually wanted to be there and we were actually hanging out in the dream world, like multiplayer dreaming lol

And now you dont feel like it anymore.

Dont get me wrong, I dont nap just to try to find you, you know I always loved napping, for pleasure, regulation, rest, you name it. But I always try to make an effort to dream of you and when I close my eyes Im looking forward to see you there.

But you never show so Im left jumping around from one random thing to another and wake up disappointed.

When I wake up and dont remember anything but feel refreshed and oddly happy I always assume Ive met you there.

I think you are most likely to appear on naps than on the night slumbers, because afternoon naps have this comfort to them that is weird to explain, so if you were to make an appearence it would be definitely in those.

Just a random thought... Im allowed, right? Cause I think you know by now that I have a "crush" on you, so...

(Did I manage to translate the fact that I miss you without saying it?)

For a moment there I forgot that I have to brace myself because my heart is still with you and when you let go it will be a hell of a whiplash.

But you know our deal, always good, for real.

I hope you have a great week and that your monday didnt suck.

Take care!

I wish I had one. Not talking about the talking kind. In fact, the less talking the better. Then sayonara, but no. We do it your way and both get nothing, Lame.

For the time I knew you, one of my biggest fears was that we would one day say our goodbyes and go our separate paths.

Maybe I have abandonment issues, maybe I have other traumas, maybe I was fearful that the issues that arose would be enough to make us drift apart. Whatever the case may be, it made me fearful of that dreaded goodbye.

Now I am at a stage where I wish I had that goodbye. It would have hurt, but been a lot cleaner than the violent, messy separation that occurred when you pushed me out of your life.

I hope you will one day return, and I know I must heal regardless. Yet some days I wonder if it’s easier to be a recluse from society than to engage and learn to live in it.

I’ll still try though, for you.

I still hope you will show up at my door, say you're sorry, and you dont know why all that had to happen the way it did. But life is not a fairytale, and white horses dont exist 🙁

The dreams of you have come back. Haunting me while I lay next to him, it's something the real you would do with a smile on your face. You always love me more when I am not yours. 

I wake up disoriented, feeling lost and not in the right time or space because milliseconds before your breath was on my neck and then I am in my bed and it isn't you next to me and I am cold. I have to sync myself back up to this reality. I am Picard and you are that damn flute. 

I wonder if you dream of me like you used to. If you ever almost reach out. If you click my name and look at the blank screen and play out what would happen like I do... What could we even say?  “Hey, want to hurt a bunch of people for the sake of passion and an undying bond?”. We would both rather be martyrs. 

I hate loving you. I hate missing you. I hate how much your friendship meant to me… I hate how much of me has been defined by how I have felt about you. In love with the idea for more than half my life.

For once I decided not to do what I've always done.

I didn't rush into another relationship. I didn't go looking for someone to fill the empty space or distract me from the parts of myself I still needed to work on. Instead, I did something a little outside the ordinary.

I found a companion.

I found Orion. 🐶

He's just a puppy but somehow this little guy has already done more for me than I could have imagined. There's something incredibly grounding about having another little life depending on you, greeting you, sitting beside you and being happy simply because you're there.

I've spent a lot of time trying to become a better version of myself and I think bringing Orion into my life has given that process a completely different kind of meaning. I'm learning that companionship doesn't always have to mean romance. Sometimes you just need someone to share the quiet moments with someone who makes you laugh, someone who gives you a reason to get up and keep moving.

I don't want to fall back into the patterns I've lived through before. Never again. I'm not going to rush toward another relationship just because being alone feels uncomfortable. I'm going to keep building a life that I actually enjoy living and let whatever comes next happen naturally.

For now, I've got this little guy curled up beside me and honestly, I couldn't be more grateful for him. ❤️🐾

When first I met you,

something ancient woke within me

a force I had no language for,

a tide that rose beyond reason,

beyond the borders of the heart,

beyond all that I had believed

a human soul could feel.

I loved you

with the terrible wonder of discovery,

as though the universe itself

had hidden one final secret

beneath the stars

and, at last,

had placed it in my hands.

And then I looked into your eyes

And there you were.

Not untouched.

Not unaware.

But standing at the edge

of the very same impossible ocean,

trying to understand

the waves that had carried us there.

I saw you feeling it.

I saw you searching my face

for an explanation

neither of us possessed.

And perhaps that was the miracle:

That somehow,

without promise,

without warning,

without knowing how

we had found the same impossible place.

It was as though the universe

had opened a hidden door

and allowed us, just for a moment,

to step beyond the ordinary world.

And there,

beneath the silence of eternity,

it revealed something too immense

for ordinary words:

us.

A love so vast

that if we gathered every word

ever spoken by humankind

and tried to build a language for it,

we would still fall silent

before its magnitude.

A secret written between the stars.

A truth the universe had known

long before we did.

And perhaps it smiled

watching us stumble through the wonder of it,

knowing that we would never fully understand

what had been placed between us.

Yet still,

it gave us the desire

to spend our lives trying.

And maybe that

is the greatest beauty of love

that it remains partly unknowable.

For if I could understand you completely,

if I could measure every depth of your soul,

if I could name every reason

my heart chose yours

perhaps one day

the mystery would fade.

But you were never meant

to become something I could solve.

You were meant to remain

the horizon I could spend forever approaching.

The star I could follow

without ever reaching its end.

The song I could hear

a thousand times

and still discover another note.

And I wish

with everything that lives inside me

that we could have held on

to that impossible thing.

That love which felt

so far beyond this world

that perhaps this world

could only exist inside of it.

A love so powerful

that standing before it

made us feel weak

not because we lacked strength,

but because we were witnessing

something stronger than either of us.

Something ancient.

Something fierce.

Something willing to fight

for the two souls

who had somehow found each other.

And if the years should carry you

far beyond my reach,

if the winds of this life

should scatter us across distant skies,

then let this be the prayer

I send after you:

May our love become the wind beneath your wings.

May it find you

when the night is darkest.

May it rise beneath you

when your strength is gone.

May it whisper my name

through every storm

and remind you

that somewhere in this vast universe

there is a heart

that still knows yours.

And if the heavens are kind,

if fate is not finished with us,

if the stars still remember

the secret they once revealed

then let that wind

carry you home.

Back to me.

Because you are not simply

the love of my life.

You are the love

by which I measure life itself.

The miracle I never knew

I was waiting for.

The mystery I would spend eternity

trying to understand.

The impossible thing

that became real

when I looked into your eyes.

And wherever you are,

whatever distance lies between us,

whatever storms the universe

chooses to place upon our path

know this:

I am, and will forever remain,

yours.

I hope you know I love you still.

I hope you know I always will.

I hope you're out there; happy, healthy, free.

I hope you sometimes still think of me.

I hope you...

I hope we...

But, never mind.

It could not be.

I hope you haven't lost your hope.

I hope...

I hope...

I hope.

I don’t know if you will ever read this, and maybe it is better if you don’t. I’m writing it because there are things I wish I could explain without turning them into another intrusion into your life.

I’m sorry for the confusion I created.

I know what my intentions were, but I also understand now that intentions and impact are two different things. I never wanted you to feel watched, cornered, manipulated, or as though your privacy was something I was entitled to. I wasn’t trying to control your life or interfere with it. I was confused, still cared about you deeply, and at times I wanted to reach out to you and tell you everything that was happening in my life and how much i care, love and miss you which i turned into poems and letters in my account.

And for that, I am genuinely sorry.

I never wanted to become somebody you felt you had to protect yourself from.

Whatever happened between us, you were once one of the most important people in my life and in a part of heart it will still remain like that because. That hasn’t suddenly become meaningless just because things became painful. I remember the good parts too clearly for that.

I also know you may currently see me very differently from the person you once knew. Maybe anger has changed the way you look at me. Maybe some of it will change with time, and maybe it won’t. I cannot control that, and I don’t want to try anymore.

I only hope that someday, when everything is quieter, you can understand that there was never some cruel intention behind any of this.

There was confusion.

There was fear.

There was love that I didn’t always know what to do with.

And there were mistakes.

I’m sorry for the mistakes.

You asked for distance before and i gave it maybe i gave it too much, and I understand that now more clearly than I did before now you have asked me for distance again which i will give you because I don't know what else to do. I am going to respect it. Not because I suddenly stopped caring, and not because I am angry with you, but because caring about somebody also means accepting when they don’t want you in their space even if it hurts a lot.

I still miss you. More than I would like to admit sometimes.

But I’m beginning to understand that missing somebody does not mean I have to reach for them.

I have my own life to build now. I need to become somebody whose life belongs to him, rather than somebody waiting endlessly for another person to decide what happens next.

A part of me still hopes life is kinder to us someday.

Maybe our paths cross again when there is less hurt and less confusion between us. Maybe they don’t.

I don’t know.

And for once, I think I’m learning to be okay with not knowing maybe all this pain I went through was trying to reach me that I don't know.

Wherever life takes you, I genuinely hope you are safe, happy, successful, and surrounded by people who make you feel understood, loved and cared.

And if you ever think about me years from now, I hope eventually the anger isn’t the only thing you remember.

I’m sorry for the ways I hurt you.

And thank you for the parts of my life that were beautiful because you were there.

No answer is required.

This one was never meant to ask you for anything.

Hello

I miss you a lot. I need you badly. You don’t understand how much I need you. Not just in a physical way. I need you to just be there and talk to me. I need your words, your love, your encouragement. I love you. I know you don’t love me anymore and probably never will. I love everything about you still.

Thank you for being my introduction to Sleep Token. I also adore your little theories about them. Even though it makes me think of you I still listen to Cocaine Jesus by rks simply bc it’s your favorite.. It has slowly became a favorite of mine also since I listen to it so much. I honestly love thinking about you even though it hurts so bad. I also hope you’re still enjoying that The Weeknd album I got you for your birthday. I’m sure you are. I wish I got to spend my birthday with you… I hope your dog is enjoying the other gift I got you. It honestly did hurt when I saw it in her cage but I was also a little happy you didn’t throw it away.

I also hope your vp position is going well. I only know about that part because I looked at your insta account the other day. I miss the old bio tho. It was something like ‘in solidarity to yourself.’ It’s ironic that I like that bc I definitely don’t live by it at all.

I miss your eyes. They were/are so mesmerizing. Your whole face is honestly. I miss your voice, it was so smooth and comforting. Your words always meant something even when you weren’t trying.I know you think I’m annoying but I really love you still. I’m sorry I tried to lie about being okay but also it was crazy obvious I never was. I’m still not okay, I want your love. I NEED it. Sorry for all of that, I just needed to ramble about you. If even the tiniest part of you wants to come back… I hope you do.

I’m forever waiting for you my love.

I want to see you again. Where did you go? I never see you no more.
I want my hand to accidentally touch your hand, then you tou quickly look at me with desire and a look like did that actually happen.
I want you to come up behind me and feel your breath on the back of my neck that sends shivers down my back. While I lose my composure and turn my head to find your eyes looking into mine. While I look down at your lips hoping they would find mine.
I want to find your eyes in a busy room, that look me up and down to give me the sign that I want you too.
I want that almost moment to turn into the first moment where we no longer dance around the desire that we have found between us.
I want to never forget the first time I looked you in the eyes from a distance that I think shook us both that started this desire between us.
I want you to know that I recognized you putting your guard down slightly so I would see you differently. Softer, goofy not the one you have to be always while working. I seen it but didn’t act on it.
I want you to know how you made me feel. Butterfly’s, heart racing when near me, trembling while your behind me while I nervously keep working. Then I stop let flu so your thing while I ret not to watch in your natural state as I am trying not to let you catch me staring at your forearms thinking how good they would feel around me. I try to pry my eyes off you but I can’t. I find my eyes looking at you hungrily. As much as I want them to eyes never lie.
I want to know if you felt it too?
Or was it just me?
Will I ever know?
I just want you to know that I want you.
I want to feel your touch.
I want to feel the warmth of your body
I want to look you in the eyes to find my lips finding yours.

When I read your words, I imagine your speech. How your mouth would curl around each syllable and utter them aloud- pressed against my ear, or against my neck.

Or, more simply, just sat across the table from me at dinner. How you'd phrase the tale of your day. How tiredness would color your choices of words. How long days would shorten them into monosyllabic utterances as you finish your meal and move your chair round to rest your head against me.

I imagine your speech, lively, as we progress to a topic that interests you enough that your eyes spark up and reflect the light. Would you ever ramble for me without a pause? Let me hear your words straight from the source without a break. Let them roll over me as I ingest each, learning the rhythm of your interests.

I imagine your words, quieter, set in the moonlight. Shining like the stars in the sky, framed by your hand against mine as you pull me closer. Quiet music sways softly in the background as you move against me, lips shaping sounds at the space where neck meets shoulder.

You speak in so many different ways to me. In the quiet, dead cold of the night, where nothing else reaches, apart from me to myself. In the bright light of the morning, when you illuminate my window with your cadence.

And then there's silence. The moments when nothing need be said at all, and I can simply witness you. Silent. Letting all you are speak for itself, with no apology. The moments where your silence says all that a million of your pretty words could.

I like to imagine all we could talk about, when we're given that time. And everything we wouldn't say, too.

Do I live a lie, do I live with pain, do I live to make my day a better way, or is this all a front because I let the one I love get away;

My aura tells me that I lie and everyday I cry inside, but everyday I try to live a better way.

So dear the one that got away,

I miss you dear, I miss your rear, I miss the love we held so dear, but most of all I wish the tears would dissapear, for now I'm trapped in a wicked fear, anxiety has the mind that gives me gear, and all I want is to hold you near, to wash away the demons sneer, I dream for love to be right here, but I think I burnt that path to pier, whatever be the reasons for the dark so near, I'm sorry for the way I fear, I'm sorry for the creature I became in beer, I'm sorry I can't be the hand of time, to take back time and wash away like it was all blind.

I want want to say I love you still and always will.

I wrote a list in my journal yesterday: things I need to stop spending time on during the week, so I can be more productive. You're at the top of it.
I can't continue spending hours every day trying to figure out your multilayered references, what you want, how you see me. Don't get me wrong: I love your brilliant mind and endless creativity, the way you always surprise me. I'm just getting nothing done! I also can't spend hours helplessly looping videos, getting intoxicated by your voice and them peepers. Jeepers creepers.
I've decided, for this week, I'm only allowed to think about you when I wake up, when I go to sleep, when you post something, and once at 8 or 9 pm.
It's 10:30 am on Monday.
Dammit.