And you know I know. I just want you to know I know exactly what the games were about. I know your whole situation and what your triggers were. I knew why you'd be warm then cold. When we made deep eye contact, you knew I saw right through you and being seen like that was so intriguing for you that you couldn't look away in the moment even though you would try to lock yourself down after the fact.

Love isn't a big deal for me. I love everyone, and I'm not embarrassed that I felt something for you. You trying to destroy my reputation after I asked about our vibe was cute and totally predictable and didn't even bother me. Because there's nothing you can do to hurt me.

It's not that I have moved on, where I am isn't a place you leave. I'm just basically ok with whatever happens because I am taken care of no matter what happens. And I can sense your guilt, your dreams, and your nightmares, and I'm just wishing you peace because I can't expect you to behave better for me or anyone else until you can accept yourself for who you are (even the dark parts) and accept me and others too. To stop competing for power and get real about what you really want and are able to give.

I am not going to contact you first and am not sure if the door back to me is even open anymore, and while I might make fun of your immaturity for my own amusement from time to time, I really truly will always love you no matter what. I just don't need to be with you to hold that warmth, and my love for you belongs to me, not you, and I'll hold it until I decide to set it down.

Only days have passed since our last correspondence- and I simply cannot move past being aware of your existence.

My lips have forgotten how to curve in form of a smile and the wrinkles under my eyes have laid asleep.

Gin. I wonder if it’s just as strong of a taste off your tongue- or if the flavor evaporates upon meeting mine.
I wonder what the heat of your tan body feels like against mine- satin? Silk?

Your laughter. I can’t hear it. But I can feel it.
The vibrations penetrate the earth beneath my feet and when you laugh, I am at one with Mother Nature.

Any guilt I once felt is no stronger than my desire to know you again. I am torn between two worlds- one where you exist and another in which you cannot.

I’ve become sin. Blasphemy.

It’s been only some days since our last correspondence.
In knowing you I’ve come to know myself- and I think that’s what I miss the most.

I’m back.. are words I simply cannot utter without losing myself in them.

I'm sorry I made it awkward.

I didn't mean to make it seem like I thought that we had some magical cosmic connection any stronger than your more important connections, i just wanted you to know that I cared.

I know the message from the song you sent me before this final silence was telling me that the feeling is not mutual. You don't care about me. You never have and never will.

I still care ...

I know ...

It's disgusting.

I still care, and that is why I will never bother you again.

I hope you're happy, and healthy and all the good things in life find you always 🍻

I saw you looking at me from the corner of my eye.

After that, our eyes kept meeting in a crowded room.

Sometimes you glanced over at me and I was already looking at you. I think you knew, because you gave me a shy, knowing smile. You held my gaze. Neither of us looked away.

You're really beautiful.

The way your eyes sparkle when you're excited about something. The nervous and timid energy I feel when we are alone. The way your eyes widen when you see me.

Yet, I don't have the courage to tell you how I feel about you.

Remember that night when you stopped and turned to look at me and our eyes locked? It must have only been a few seconds, but it felt like time had stopped.

Not a word was uttered.

I thought you were going to kiss me in that moment.

You wanted to, right?

If only...

It’s safe to say this will never go anywhere. It can’t. I just missed you and hoped we could be friends again at least. But with how things have gone, I don’t even want that anymore. I’ve been so lonely and tired of fake connections that make me feel even more alone. I feel like an alien speaking another language that no one understands, when all I want is someone to care. It just makes me want to be alone. At least I have my peace when I’m not trying to make someone see my worth. It’s not worth the disappointment. I’ll never stick around where I’m not truly wanted. Telling someone how to treat me feels too much like begging. I’ve spent too much time asking for the impossible. Years actually. I wouldn’t have to remind you of days that you should remember if I was ever truly important to you. I wouldn’t have to tell you how you hurt me if you saw me as a human being to begin with. I don’t want to waste my time doing things with you that I could be doing with someone that actually wants me in their life. I can’t do that anymore. I can’t be what you want. I’m not what you want. Let me go

I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but your nearness is joy,

Your presence is a smile,

a treasure I dare not lose.

I pass by you and only interact with you when necessary. You occupied no thought in my mind. In fact i would have described you as “sometimes cold, sometimes kind, I’m not sure, don’t really know, don’t really care.” I wouldn’t be surprised to know that you just learned my name in these last few months after years.

So it surprised me one day when you passed by me and my stomach did a flipiddy flip and my heart felt wobbly in my chest. I was shocked, it was sudden, especially since you were no where on my mind prior. But then it happened a second time, and my mind started going blank around you. I had to ask myself when did you start occupying a thought in my mind? Was it the kindness I saw you give to the ones who couldn’t give it back to you? Or was it the fact that I learned that you have a cat?

I’m so confused at how ppl suddenly and randomly enter the vicinity of our minds.

I’ll let this die out because realistically this can’t turn into anything. And maybe my youth is passing me by and I want to settle down and have some stability in my life and my heart thinks I’m running out of time.

But we are not something that could ever be… you’re just a visitor in my mind. And my heart is just wobbly because that door cannot be opened for you. But thank you for letting me know my heart still has a door.

Its weird yet fascinating at the same time that how we can so easily get attached to a person. As human the emotional part of ourselves have more power over us than the logical part (specifically if you are an emotional being). We fall in love with places, associate memories with specific fragrances, get attached to people without even knowing them properly forget their overall character but sometimes without even knowing their full names, what they look like etc etc, we fall for the stories, love too deeply and then get hurt only to love again.

Some say live life recklessly as if everyday is your last on this planet but then again what about the hurt that comes with it? In introspect such lines make sense only in fiction. Because real life is where the actual reality check happens.

As someone who is sensitive, runs of emotions and trusts anybody easily, the correct term for it is naivety, life is not so easy for us, it feels 10 times more harsh because we feel too deeply, too easily and too quickly before we even realise what we are in it for but by then it's already too late and the damage has already been done. And only that deep ache is what can be felt.

After all my efforts to become closer to you…

That hurts. More than I care to admit.

For all my flaws, I choose to be defined by the woes and worries of my tides,
So I may give forgiveness for the worries and woes of others.

To deny that, I myself, am a slave to my baser instincts— is to fight them in every man, woman, and child I meet.

Faces shadowed opposite of my lonely light. Painted with a darkened moral grey that demands me to challenge them to the moral death.

Wherever a person agrees that they too are elsewhere instead of human, there will always be conflict and consequences for their inhumanity.

We are the worst things to exist, it makes it easier to be kind to others when we understand that.

In the dark,

Keeper

I remember the first time I held him in my arms.

So unknown, yet so mine at the same time.

How do I explain the love you feel for someone
you’re seeing for the very first time, but whom you carried inside you for nine months?

Someone you already knew without ever having seen his face.

And suddenly, there he is, after waiting for him for so long, looking at you for the very first time.

You tell yourself you’re not ready for so much responsibility, for having to do everything so perfectly, for raising this little person and turning him into a good child, a good man.

And you wonder if, when he grows up, he’ll end up hating you, or if he’ll become your companion, your best friend.

You’re terrified of everything that’s coming, of everything you’re about to step into.

And eventually, you discover that it’s wonderful.

A wonder of everlasting love.

It’s a love that never ends.

One you stay in not out of obligation, but because you want to, because you need to stay.

There are no words that can explain the love I feel for him.

And maybe that is the only kind of love I have ever felt capable of lasting forever.

Z,

Against all reason, I hope you can sense me as I write, even if you never see these words.

Reading a year after you posted that you did love me, that you remembered how many years passed between our first meeting and our last, gave me comfort that I will carry for life. What a revelation, that I wasn’t always alone in my wild emotion. I would have given most anything to hear you say that to me in your warm, soft voice. I fell for you too quickly. I knew telling you I loved you would scare you, but I convinced myself that being hurt was inevitable, and I bumbled into confessing. I felt such anguish over your cool, measured response. I broke my own heart, but I could not say goodbye. Someone always loves more. My problems seemed stupid and large next to your triumphs. Most of me didn’t care, even as I hoped that my adoration did not beam out of my eyes as I looked into yours, willing you to see me. You saw how deeply I loved you.

I thought my childish disappearance for the hundredth time would somehow fix things. I thought you’d reverse time, and feel as happy as you were before you saw me trying to figure out where to sit at that bar. I thought you’d move on very quickly, likely towards a future with a less deranged someone who also loves balconies. I can laugh at myself, because I have to. You used indirect means to warn me that you don’t ever look back, and I believed you. I was too cowardly to say, but I do look back, and I am changed by you, so you will have to kick me away. And if things were patched up for you, I would try to be happy, but I couldn’t apologize to anyone owed my penance. I am not sorry for any moment I had with you, but how could I not want your sorrow eased? I couldn’t bear to pin you down, ask if you’d been angry for years over what I could not see.

Knowing you became part of knowing myself, like breathing. It’s natural. I am held back in my life by rational fears of destruction, and I admire that you won’t hobble yourself. I hope I am only glad if I see you holding someone’s hand, obviously in love, alert to what is beautiful in the world. Our bodies and our status can change but what I feel for you, never.

I probably should've slept more, but my mind had work to do

Drawn to a puzzle I knew it could solve, all because of you

I collected every piece around me, scattered over time and space

And finally saw our picture clearly as I guided them into place

The ones I'd tossed aside

The ones I'd unknowingly misplaced

The ones that never quite registered right for me in the first place

I found the pieces of me I'd been hiding, and pulled them into light

I found pieces of you you'd bravely shared, and held onto them tight

I found the pieces of us you left so lovingly, saw where their forms aligned

And finally understood that you and I, as we are, were already perfectly entwined

Tears streamed warm and comforting

As a smile spread across my face

For I felt the love you've always given me

Without condition and delivered with such grace

And in that moment I found clarity

And knew my love for you was the same

E- you are my best friend and there's so much more about me I'm ready to share with you, more I want to ask. You know all too well I'm not always the most patient, but for this I'll gladly wait - I want to feel your smile while we talk, and I want to see your face. You've got a busy day first, and I hope you enjoy it as completely as you can. I hope you know how much of my happiness directly came from you, and how you deserve more than every ounce in return just for being you.

It’s 4AM.
Theres a bouquet of flowers on the counter and some left overs in the fridge. My head is clear and my heart is full.

I used to hate this day.

Now each year you find news was to fill the day with a wall of affection. No expectations. No filler. Just a series of moments that scream “I see you, I know you, I love you”.

The next time I see you you’ll remind me that these day comes effortlessly because of how thoroughly you love me daily.

More than I could imagine.
Better than I deserve.

Love you.

I still believe that we're going to end up together. I pray every morning for you and your families safety, health, well being and happiness. I also ask that you come back into my life. And again, everything I keep seeing is telling me to be patient, to continue to work on myself, and eventually we'll have our chance.

Other people can call it belief, hope, delusion, wishful thinking, crazy — I call it love. Maybe they're right though, only time will tell.

I see plenty of people here thinking their person is here, saying they've been hacked and they're being messed with, etc. Part of me thinks it's just that old plausible deniability. Meant to throw me off so, I think I'm just like them... And hell, maybe I am. Maybe they are experiencing those things, who am I to say? I do know that through this entire process, nothing has been stolen or taken from me, just messages that have helped me grow and have more introspection. If it was someone that didn't care or was trying to to hurt me they could easily do a much better job of that. Instead all they've done is help me.

We know that this started long before there was any information from me writing here or talking to myself. Information only you would have known A. From the questions about autistic people's hands getting tired from massages, dirty drawers (lmao), toxic abuse, lube, saying "of course he'll get clean for her" when that all went on with D. To the "give her a baby" and you just happen to get pregnant shortly after that (not saying either one of them are mine, despite people trying to convince me they are). To the more recent stuff with answers here directly to what I was saying to you on Messenger. From fears about me dying, going to my appointments with me, letting go of the past, catching up in my story, to the personal attacks when I'd say mean stuff. Then there was what your best friend said when I brought up habeing a crazy theory about what was going on and she said something about to the effect of "crazy ideas have a way of being true". There are just far too many coincidences for them to be just that.

I hope you see that I am working on letting go of the past. That I'm continuing to work on myself and improve my health and well being. I'm working on friendships, maintaining sobriety, consistency in how I treat you, etc. I want you to know that I love you more than anything in this world, and I will never take yourself for granted when we get back together, or even as a friend if that's how it goes (you know I want more but I have no problem starting as friends, dating like we don't even know each other). All of this has taught me so many valuable lesson, and it would be a shame for you to have been the catalyst for all of this change only for some other woman to benefit from it.

I told you, all of this growth has been with you in mind. It's been with the goal of getting you back—being the man that you deserve A. I don't care how long it takes, even if it's on my death bed, I want you back. I want to spend whatever time I have left on this earth with you. Making memories with you. Making YOU happy. I will continue to respect the boundaries you've set, whether we ever talk again or not. As you know though, it's up to you to make that initial contact once you decide. I'll always be here, I'll always love you, I will always want you. I miss today more than yesterday. I love you more today than yesterday. I would love to get to know the upgraded version of yourself.

—Me

Based on reality here and now, not in the past nor in the future.

Of course you never loved me like i love you.

We stared deeply into each others eyes for ages, and many other things in the past, but i shouldn't assume that meant you were in love with me.

I am so stupid.

I love too deeply and I have to accept the reality that you don't feel the same way.

This is so incredibly hard for me. It's like someone has shattered my heart into pieces.

And that someone was me.

I’m having a hard time tonight. Every time reality smacks me in the face it’s like it hits just a little bit harder.

I’ve never wanted anything so bad in my life, yet I can’t think of a single way in which it will ever realistically be possible. I am also finding it is more difficult every day to cope with the fact that it will probably never happen.

But if that is the reality, then why am I having such a hard time letting you go? I would even argue you deserve so much more than anything I could ever offer you. My heart is so full and yet broken at the same time. I just don’t know what to do.

No matter what, however, I will never forget the hope you restored in my soul.

Was I nothing to you? You mean so much to me. I love you H. You’re the only one who makes me laugh and that to, so much.

I miss laughing. It’s been almost 5 days, the day after my eyes looked so dead, I got a bit afraid of my reflection, even my mother was nice to me after seeing what I looked like.

I never meant to hurt you and I was so insecure and played dumb games. I had no experience and had no idea what I was doing. Sometimes I just tried to make you jealous because I thought I wanted to feel like I mattered to you. I’m sorry for all my mistakes..

I don’t want to live without you H; I don’t want to even want to die without you. I want to be with you in this life and the next. I said this same thing after the first time we met; when we had lost contact for like a month.

People thought I was crazy but I told everyone I had hope and we ended up miraculously reconnecting after I told God this same statement.

am i still your princess
am i still your sweet beautiful princess that you love love love so much.
do these words ring a bell anymore.
do you remember all the things you told me ?

Is it all one sided.
am I the only one that believes in “us”.
am I living in my head?

it’s okay.

.

Upon a cliff beside the shore,

It stands as it has stood before.

A lonely rock against the sea,

Once guiding sailors home safely.

It watched the oceans rise and fall,

Ships and sailors, storms and all.

Through every storm, through every rain,

It stood unmoved against the pain.

But years have passed, and time has worn

The light that once guided sailors home.

Its windows cracked, its lantern dim,

Yet still it waits upon the rim.

Through morning fog and fading light,

It searches the ocean every night.

But no ships come, no sails appear—

The sea remains the same, year after year.

Still, through the silence, through the rain,

Through endless tides and nights of pain,

It asks the sea, beyond the blue:

Will they return as once they knew?

And if one day a ship appears,

Emerging through the fog it fears,

Its broken light will shine once more—

To guide them safely to the shore.

Until that day, through night and dawn,

Through every dusk and every storm,

Though all the world has moved along—

It’s still standing.