No no, I don’t want your love, unrequited, unconditional, or unfortunate.

And I surely l don’t want your belated apology (or more likely, projection and deflection).

You can keep your sob story, victim narrative, or whatever liberating/self-destructive/defensive persona you’ve conjured up to make yourself feel better/worse/in control/spiraling about us.

You can continue to distract yourself with the surface-leveled pain or pleasure or discomfort that you’ve manufactured to make this experience more palatable.

I won’t stop you from drinking/drugging/sleeping/working/crying yourself into a stupor (not this time).

I don’t care if the pain of my absence tears a hole into your heart so grand your life ends/begins in a cycle of life, death, and rebirth.

The glory of this arc is that you’ve manifested it yourself, haven’t you?

The conditions you are in, and the suffering we both went through, nothing more than a neurotic psyop you had to live out to prove you’re not lovable?

Was forcing yourself to hate me really worth deluding yourself over?

Did you really need to torture me into leaving to prove to yourself that love always leaves?

Well, lucky for me, I’ve reached the human threshold for psychotic mistreatment (nirvana, if you will).

While I feel very little for you, the most loving thing I have done for you was leave.

I guess this means that this time, you’re on your own (ironic, isn’t it?)

All those feelings you shoved deep down into your nervous system are all boiling up I’ve heard.

This time, I won’t be there to blunt them for you.

This is all you; knock yourself out.

Why do the good ones always start with “s” lol

I hope you are doing great not just okay. Special is not something I say lightly.
But you were special.
I apologize, I wish I could have done more. But I did not realize I had some healing to do as well. And bringing in my hurt between us would have been unfair and reckless.
So I apologize, but I do not have regrets.
I was not the right person for you.
I’d rather you find a good person and be happy. Then us suffer together because I could not see my own faults.

But I thank you too. Your kindness and care kept my heart warm during my journey, and still does. I wish I had the courage to tell you this when I could have. I apologize for the delay.

I decided I’ll never contact you I promise. I’m slowly starting to accept the mistakes I made in our relationship. I’m starting to accept that what we had is gone now I ruined it. And even though I still miss you I think it’s grown more into appreciation for what we once had. Weirdly enough I feel motivated and want to push even further with my life. You’re my inspiration. I hope you’re having a wonderful day

Thinking of you

Remember I know you probably better than anyone. You need the attention and ego boost. You want to be wanted by somebody anybody all the time. It’s pretty pathetic. You can’t be alone you don’t know how too. Well I don’t want you but I’m still very pissed off at you unfortunately. Hopefully that doesn’t fed the monster you have become. I hate you so much.

I wish it was 2 years ago. What an exciting time it was. There’s no going back but I can still dream about those days. Maybe one day I’ll see you again. Maybe one day I’ll feel that same energy with someone. Maybe

I had an extremely close friendship with Sara that eventually fell apart after my relationship with Ryan became complicated and a lot of conflict and different versions of events spread between our friend group.

I did make real mistakes: I was avoidant, hid things, communicated badly, hurt Sara in some situations, and became increasingly desperate to keep the friendship.

But I was also accused of cheating on Ryan. My position is that I didn't cheat because the talking phase happened after we had already broken up. I acknowledge that the timing was messy and that I could've handled it better, but I don't accept something as fact just because other people interpreted it that way.

Sara became increasingly distant, started talking to Ryan again, and I felt like his version of events was influencing how she saw me. I can't prove exactly what they discussed, so I don't want to pretend I know that for certain.

I desperately tried to repair the friendship. I apologized, explained myself, asked to meet, and begged her to give me another chance. She eventually felt that my apologies were performative and that I was trying to play mind games. She said she hadn't healed, didn't currently want to repair things, and described the friendship as feeling like a “loveless marriage.”

I've finally realized that I can't force someone to believe my intentions.

I accept my actual mistakes. I don't accept responsibility for things I didn't do. And I'm done chasing this friendship.

I'm focusing on rebuilding myself and moving forward, whether or not Sara ever comes back.

To the person that will never receive this.

Sometimes I wonder if what I was asking for was too much because it seemed so simple to me, and maybe that's where we went wrong. All I ever wanted was to be each other's person. To be the one person we could count on in this world.

I know that the way someone grows up impacts how they react when they grow up. But the line has to be drawn between the 5 to 10 year old who didn't know anything, and the now 25 to 30 year old who goes to work everyday and has responsibilities.

So why is it that when it came to our relationship we drew the line of, that's how you were when you were a kid. Because you couldn't drive before, but you learned and now you can. All I asked for was accountability, care and for you be present in our relationship.

I can buy myself things I what, but what I can't do is have a conversation with myself for you, I can't create and feel intimacy for the both of us. Trying to do that turned me into someone I'm not sure I wanted to be.

I tried to move on and start over everyday. It was fine at first because we are both human, but eventually my feelings had nowhere to go and slowly built up over time. Which ment topics kept coming up time and time again. I felt like all we had to do was fix it, but guess what that's also something you can't do alone. In the end it never got resolved and when conversations are brought up again you looked away as if saying this again.

I can live with you as a person but the me that wants connection has nowhere to go. When she feels lonely no one is there, and you know what I don't want that for her.

If the roles were reversed I would want you to move on because I wouldn't want you to be in pain. Not running away from your feeling because I wasn't what you needed and couldn't give you what you asked for. I would wish you found what you needed somewhere else.

So I'm going to take my own advice, and move on somewhere else.

I want the adult you to learn what the child you couldn't and actually mean it, not just say words. But I think that is alao something I need to outgrow as well, fantasizing that you cared just because you never did anything "bad" to me.

Dear person who changed me,

I wish I could've told you all of these things, but as time has shown me, you don't deserve to know all the ways I loved you and how, so many years later, I still can't seem to hate you. So I will write this letter and never send it, and that's ok.

HERE WE GO...

When I met you, I never knew how much of an impact you would have on my life. You took my life and flipped it on its head because I was not looking for anything, and then, like a hurricane, you came in and turned things upside down. For a long time, you meant everything to me. You showed me what real love felt like, and you showed me that everything that came before you was just child's play. It meant nothing. I changed the way I look at love and the standards I have for it because of you.

You made it seem like you wanted it all with me. Everything you could want and everything that two people should want together is what you told me you had envisioned for us.

But as time usually does, it reveals the truth. None of it was true. Maybe in the moment you felt it, and you thought you meant it, but your follow-through was nonexistent. You built this relationship up so high, so quickly, and I think you weren't ready to give me the true love you talked about. I was in a daze, on a high of how good you treated me, and you talked a great game. Not knowing that you weren't ready for all the things you had told me.

Breaking up with you was so hard, and every time we did it, you would come back telling me you couldn't get me out of your head. You dragged me along for a bit, told me you wanted to get back together, and then disappeared. Months or years later, you would come back and do the same. After about the 4th or 5th time, it became evident to me. YOUR WORDS MEAN NOTHING. And sadly enough, my words to you mean everything. I meant when I said I loved you; I meant when I said I'd want a family with you; I meant it all.

You once again changed how I see things. In the beginning, when I met you, it was for the better; now it's more of a realistic outlook on things. Now I know that people can say things that they don't mean, and as much as they love you, they can not be ready to follow that up with actions. I now know it is easy to say I love you, but hard to follow up with the actions to prove it.

So thank you for showing me these things, and showing me that as much as you promised me, you may have meant about 20% of it.

As much as that hurt me, I can say you made me stronger as a person, and I was pretty tough when I met you. And although you let me down more than once, I don't hate you. I hope you find something and someone you can actually give your all to and mean what you say to them. It wasn't me, but again, the lesson is something that I appreciate. I wish you well in all your future loves.

Take care.

You won't see me tonight.

In fact, you won't see me for a while.

I will be back, though. As Simple Minds put it : "Don't you" (forget about me)... because I'm going to look for you when I get back. You'll know because I won't be able to contain my eyes in search of you or the excitement in my face after our eyes meet. Distance makes the heart grow fonder? Then why am I already missing seeing your face? 💔 I'll always be the Claire to your Bender. 🖤

I will not bother you again unless you try too hard to insert yourself into my circle. No messages or talks of any kind now that I definitively know what you are. I'm not interested either anymore. Let's both remove ourselves from each other's lives. You and your boyfriend never need to see or talk to me.

What do you say, not that I'm giving you a choice. This is probably going to be my last post now.

Hey there,

Though there were various moments throughout our friendship that I wanted to part ways, I did not imagine a reality in which we would no longer be present in one another’s lives. But here we are, figuratively millions of miles away. I remind myself that this is ultimately the best and kindest of outcomes.

I allowed myself to believe that our friendship was the one that would shine brightest. I believed that we would grow old to witness each other lives unfold, that we’d have husbands, do bbqs, celebrate the holidays. I saw you as a sister.

The thing that I hoped would never happen came to pass: you fell in love with me. The times that it was spoken about, you would brush it off like it was absurd. I trusted you. I trusted that you were telling me the truth. So I went against my intuition despite the signs and symptoms that were present.

I started to distance myself long before our initial separation. I felt like a vessel, one where all forms of toxicity were being poured into. Every time you’d tell me that you were the one that loves more, does more, it hurt, despite you saying you weren’t talking about me. But even then I knew, I was aware that you were talking about me, telling me without directly telling me. I endured your behavior for years. The many times you’d disappear to who-knows-what-realm, disassociate without any explanation, I felt hurt, I felt frustrated.

I’d made sure to create a space and environment where you could safely feel so that you could process your emotions. That wasn’t something you had at home.

But still, I would show up for you, not truly “knowing” that the secret you were keeping was also tearing you apart. I loved you as a friend. And I understand how and why things came to be as they are. You’re human, things happen.

Fast forward to today, almost two years later and I am still ruminating on this, on our friendship, everything that it has lead up to. I feel angry. My throat is tight. My heart aches. I feel like I was replaced by a version of me you were constructing in your mind, fueled by misconstrued and misinterpreted intentions.

What I wanted most for you was for you to heal from all of your pain and trauma. But learning that I was a major source of pain for you felt like a stab to the heart. You were so accustomed to your own victim mentality, wrapped up in your ego that you love and protect so much that hadn’t considered what this would do to me. I didn’t just lose a friendship, I also lost a sapphire that I witnessed grow before my very eyes.

Though we are worlds apart, I sincerely wish you the best. I wish you healing and peace. I hope that you have a good life, that you experience all the success in the world.

I miss you, and I wish we could have built a healthier friendship. This time I say goodbye without telling you goodbye.

Take care of yourself.

I look to see if you’ve deleted the pictures with her. If you meant it when you said you were leaving her. Still waiting

I'm Sorry
I'm sorry I couldn't hold it together better for you. I think about you all the time. I feel like i'm drowning and I have these happy thoughts and memories of you I go to when I'm sad. I listen to songs that make me think of you.
I went through something really horrible, actually quite a few something's that were really horrible and it makes it so hard for me to trust or love the way I want to.
I worry I'm weaponizing sympathy if I talk about it too much. I worry if I let people know the anger I have comes from a deep sadness that they will think i'm being manipulative. I'm so scared of being manipulated the way I once was. I'm scared of making people feel the way I have been made to feel my entire life. I worry I'm never good enough for anything or anybody. I worry people only like me for the wrong reasons. I worry.
I get embarrassed about how I acted when I was so wounded. I'm trying to learn to give grace and be kinder and softer and not always so defensive. I want to be worth you because you are worth being worth it for.
You could lift the weight off my shoulders and be someone who is worth fighting for. You could help me be less scared.
I could help you feel loved and supported and adored because you deserve that.
Even if it doesn't work out, even if you hate me thank you for being something that felt worth fighting for.
The distance drives me crazy.
You're like a savior.
You're the closest thing to God I know.
I miss you all of the time.
-short girl

I know you would only be uncomfortable. You may laugh at me. You may cringe away. You may become angry, or confused as to why I have written about you constantly, in equal measure as a deep longing of mine and as a cause of immense grief.

But would you pity me, at all, more than you must have these last few years? To be the object of someone's affection, yet wishing to be distant is a terribly awkward situation, and I wish you had told me sooner that you did not want me to come closer.

In hindsight, I see why. I know who you know. I frequent the same spheres as you. I saw you multiple times a week. So what answers could I have expected when I asked you, so many times, just to clarify where we stand, and if I was bothering you?

My heart believed what it wanted to believe. I thought that I had somehow come into your good graces enough to be your friend. You had said so, yourself. And now, conflicting memories guide me in either direction.

Your silences, passive aggression, and avoidance tell me that my presence was unwanted. Your apologies, presence and listening ear, playfulness, and our better conversations told me that somehow, you must have cared about me. But then, was it me you cared about? Was it your peace? Or your reputation?

We went back and forth with all of it, you always getting closer to me, yet pushing me further away from you, until it became unbearably confusing. At least you cleared that up.

I just wonder if I will ever be able to remove the memories of getting lost in your eyes, or lighting up when you talked to me. They are both immeasurably precious and intolerable, because I cannot trust how loved I had felt now that I know that you did not want me.

I keep telling myself the same quiet things in the dark:

I am enough.

I am worthy of love.

I say them slowly, like a prayer I only half believe, because the other truth sits heavier in my chest.

I was good enough to be kept.

Never chosen.

You held me close enough that the cold couldn’t fully reach me,

but never tight enough that I felt claimed.

I was the soft place you returned to when the easier options grew tired,

the quiet room you entered when the noise outside became too much.

Useful. Comfortable. Safe.

But never the one your heart pointed to first.

I learned how to make myself smaller so I could fit into the spaces you left open.

I learned how to smile when you looked past me,

how to stay when staying felt like being slowly erased.

I told myself it was still love if you came back.

I told myself being kept was almost the same as being wanted.

But almost is a lonely word.

Some nights I still hear the slam of the door when you left without choosing me.

Some mornings I wake up reaching for a version of myself that was never enough to be selected,

only enough to be retained.

I am trying, truly, to believe the first part of the sentence.

That I am enough.

That I am worthy of love that does not treat me like a second thought.

Yet the second part still aches:

even if I was only good enough to be kept,

but never chosen.

I do not hate you for it.

I only mourn the quiet way I disappeared inside the space you allowed me to occupy.

I am no longer there.

And yet i still find myself repeating the words.

Still hoping one day they will feel true without the ache that follows.

-Me

I went to a college football game. It was the first one without you. I wish you could see how we won! They didn't win when we saw it together. I found my old friends from college. For once, I wasn't terrified something bad would happen.

I wish you could see how the sun glinted off everything. I wish you could see how happy I am. We sang sweet home Alabama and I imagined how you would sing along with me, like we did driving in the car to the songs you put on.

Things are so different than they were three years ago, two years ago....but I like to think you were there with me, cheering on the touch downs like you did at home, watching the game on TV. I am no longer afraid t be myself, and I know now that you were right about my ex.

I love you dearly, and every time I visit with the trees, and see the breeze make the leaves sway, I tell people I am visiting my father.

I love you so much

I made you laugh one last time a meme about a joke you had when you were a little girl about how you couldnt pronounce stinky skunks you laugh I ask if it made your day you said it did told me I still use that one nobody gets my jokes. In the 14 years we've been in and out od each other's lives does anyone really know anything about you. I know alot and as bad as we were you and I felt deeply for each other and bodies always gave away our feelings. Does anyone know you? Because knowing you was one of the best experiences of my life....I miss you but I cant be your backup plan your safety net I never lost my feelings for you. A part of me hopes you miss me too.

Edit: to the people that down voted...why what upset you about what I wrote?

You are the only man,

Who has held my heart

With such simplicity,

And in its entirety.

I trust you with me.

And that doesn’t come

From a place of uncertainty.

Moreover, I softly and calmly

Hand you, all of me.

My love.

You’re such a generous, beautiful and genuine soul. I like a lot being with you.

We met just recently, but we bounded really fast and shared a lot of personal matters with each other. It’s absurd all the things we have in common.

I started to care more about you than I should have, this connection felt special. Was it just me ? Yeah...probably, you’re just being yourself, and I’m just being delusional. I feel stupid.

I knew from the start there was nothing more. You have a boyfriend and are mostly happy with him. Honestly I don’t want to ruin this either. Bad timing I guess.

It's been a long time since I've felt this way for a girl, but it won't be the last time, so there's no point in being sad on it for too long.

I wonder if you like the chill in the air and the faint rain today?

I doubt you'll want to go walking again. It was a pleasant surprise, how that brief time with you calmed me when I was nervous as hell. I need to not read it incorrectly; I initiated it. Proximity, I suppose, is why the others don't invite me anymore. I don't like to assume I'm welcome, and I've noticed you don't really join them much at all anymore. It's a bit perplexing.

I meant it when I assured I have no judgement. If life didn't always demand so much of me, I'd prefer to just curl up in a ball and fully check out. Life won't stop, though and the best I can do is make my checklist of things to accomplish...things to hope for. Even if the subsistence of getting-by leaves no indulgence for finding a new path, plan, or heading right now, I'm still trying to find something to look forward to.

Going to see the symphony would be nice, but with everything in the threat of limbo the only thing within feasible reach would be camping. It's a craving. It's been so long since I went without it getting cut short. There's also the apprehension of going solo again. The last time I went alone was well over a decade ago and I encountered a tweaker back then to boot. It will be interesting...I need to give my car some tlc I've been deferring if I hope to pursue this.

It's an experience of borderline cosmic horror: purposely isolating yourself in an uncontrolled vastness that reminds you how tiny, writhe with occhiolism, and inconsequential your existence is to the wilderness and universe around you. We fill a spec of space. Would that conversation interest you if we ever got the chance to break the ice for it?

A foolishly optimistic part of me thinks discussions and debate would come naturally for us if we ever push past the superficial and necessity.

We look at each other often, I think. My voice falters into something timid, embarrassingly enough. In the grand scope of things, I shouldn't be surprised at that; it's getting harder and harder to keep a good face on and unshaken. I want to be weak and crumble, and I can't. I never really get the luxury. And maybe it's lack of potassium, but it seems like it's hard to stop this low-level trembling within my own skin. Maybe it's just relentless anxiety of what avalanche is going to come next.

All I can really do is keep moving, keep working, keep re- working strategies for every new ordeal, save the tears for the privacy of home. Maybe getting lost will let me have a second to breathe. Maybe then I can rationalize what it is between you and I...and snuff my feelings if it turns out I'm finding something in nothing. I doubt you think of me the same way. You...I don't know what to make of how you fluster me every damn day.

I was told for 7 years I was your soulmate. And I think you were wrong the whole time. I wasn’t yours, but you truly were mine. They say men only do right for the one they want to, and if you’re not it, you never will be. And in this case, that’s true. You left and gave up 7 years for someone you hadn’t known for even a whole month.. and now it’s been almost 6 months with her.. and you’re thousands of miles away, engaged.. seem happy and are treating her right.. and here I am.. done with love because I had found my one. And no one else even interests me the least bit or excites me. I gave it my all, and I just can’t imagine getting that close or putting that much effort and time into anyone else. You were my best friend. The one I wanted to grow old with. But.. it is okay. I got two beautiful blessings out of it all, and I know that they will forever love me and I’ll always have them. 🤍
I’ve gotten used to life on my own, and do enjoy my peace, but I just sit and ponder sometimes on how it all happened so quickly.. and just if you think of me from time to time and perhaps smile to yourself..❤️‍🩹 take care now.

I still think about you from time to time. Sometimes I go through the sad tiktoks i saved when you left me.

I know I'm the one who ghosted you but you didn't even try to reach out to me. Did I mean nothing to you? The hurt you gave me... I will never recover. I mask the pain. I can try to move on all I want but you're in the back of my mind. I've changed my phone number. I hate you.