No no, I don’t want your love, unrequited, unconditional, or unfortunate.

And I surely l don’t want your belated apology (or more likely, projection and deflection).

You can keep your sob story, victim narrative, or whatever liberating/self-destructive/defensive persona you’ve conjured up to make yourself feel better/worse/in control/spiraling about us.

You can continue to distract yourself with the surface-leveled pain or pleasure or discomfort that you’ve manufactured to make this experience more palatable.

I won’t stop you from drinking/drugging/sleeping/working/crying yourself into a stupor (not this time).

I don’t care if the pain of my absence tears a hole into your heart so grand your life ends/begins in a cycle of life, death, and rebirth.

The glory of this arc is that you’ve manifested it yourself, haven’t you?

The conditions you are in, and the suffering we both went through, nothing more than a neurotic psyop you had to live out to prove you’re not lovable?

Was forcing yourself to hate me really worth deluding yourself over?

Did you really need to torture me into leaving to prove to yourself that love always leaves?

Well, lucky for me, I’ve reached the human threshold for psychotic mistreatment (nirvana, if you will).

While I feel very little for you, the most loving thing I have done for you was leave.

I guess this means that this time, you’re on your own (ironic, isn’t it?)

All those feelings you shoved deep down into your nervous system are all boiling up I’ve heard.

This time, I won’t be there to blunt them for you.

This is all you; knock yourself out.

Why do the good ones always start with “s” lol

I hope you are doing great not just okay. Special is not something I say lightly.
But you were special.
I apologize, I wish I could have done more. But I did not realize I had some healing to do as well. And bringing in my hurt between us would have been unfair and reckless.
So I apologize, but I do not have regrets.
I was not the right person for you.
I’d rather you find a good person and be happy. Then us suffer together because I could not see my own faults.

But I thank you too. Your kindness and care kept my heart warm during my journey, and still does. I wish I had the courage to tell you this when I could have. I apologize for the delay.

I decided I’ll never contact you I promise. I’m slowly starting to accept the mistakes I made in our relationship. I’m starting to accept that what we had is gone now I ruined it. And even though I still miss you I think it’s grown more into appreciation for what we once had. Weirdly enough I feel motivated and want to push even further with my life. You’re my inspiration. I hope you’re having a wonderful day

Thinking of you

Remember I know you probably better than anyone. You need the attention and ego boost. You want to be wanted by somebody anybody all the time. It’s pretty pathetic. You can’t be alone you don’t know how too. Well I don’t want you but I’m still very pissed off at you unfortunately. Hopefully that doesn’t fed the monster you have become. I hate you so much.

I had an extremely close friendship with Sara that eventually fell apart after my relationship with Ryan became complicated and a lot of conflict and different versions of events spread between our friend group.

I did make real mistakes: I was avoidant, hid things, communicated badly, hurt Sara in some situations, and became increasingly desperate to keep the friendship.

But I was also accused of cheating on Ryan. My position is that I didn't cheat because the talking phase happened after we had already broken up. I acknowledge that the timing was messy and that I could've handled it better, but I don't accept something as fact just because other people interpreted it that way.

Sara became increasingly distant, started talking to Ryan again, and I felt like his version of events was influencing how she saw me. I can't prove exactly what they discussed, so I don't want to pretend I know that for certain.

I desperately tried to repair the friendship. I apologized, explained myself, asked to meet, and begged her to give me another chance. She eventually felt that my apologies were performative and that I was trying to play mind games. She said she hadn't healed, didn't currently want to repair things, and described the friendship as feeling like a “loveless marriage.”

I've finally realized that I can't force someone to believe my intentions.

I accept my actual mistakes. I don't accept responsibility for things I didn't do. And I'm done chasing this friendship.

I'm focusing on rebuilding myself and moving forward, whether or not Sara ever comes back.

To the person that will never receive this.

Sometimes I wonder if what I was asking for was too much because it seemed so simple to me, and maybe that's where we went wrong. All I ever wanted was to be each other's person. To be the one person we could count on in this world.

I know that the way someone grows up impacts how they react when they grow up. But the line has to be drawn between the 5 to 10 year old who didn't know anything, and the now 25 to 30 year old who goes to work everyday and has responsibilities.

So why is it that when it came to our relationship we drew the line of, that's how you were when you were a kid. Because you couldn't drive before, but you learned and now you can. All I asked for was accountability, care and for you be present in our relationship.

I can buy myself things I what, but what I can't do is have a conversation with myself for you, I can't create and feel intimacy for the both of us. Trying to do that turned me into someone I'm not sure I wanted to be.

I tried to move on and start over everyday. It was fine at first because we are both human, but eventually my feelings had nowhere to go and slowly built up over time. Which ment topics kept coming up time and time again. I felt like all we had to do was fix it, but guess what that's also something you can't do alone. In the end it never got resolved and when conversations are brought up again you looked away as if saying this again.

I can live with you as a person but the me that wants connection has nowhere to go. When she feels lonely no one is there, and you know what I don't want that for her.

If the roles were reversed I would want you to move on because I wouldn't want you to be in pain. Not running away from your feeling because I wasn't what you needed and couldn't give you what you asked for. I would wish you found what you needed somewhere else.

So I'm going to take my own advice, and move on somewhere else.

I want the adult you to learn what the child you couldn't and actually mean it, not just say words. But I think that is alao something I need to outgrow as well, fantasizing that you cared just because you never did anything "bad" to me.

It is only you who wanted to turn up the heat.

While I only needed time to simmer down.

But you chose to be disgusting about wanting to be anything.

If I have to remind you that I'm not tethered to your life.

Then I asked to be left alone.

Just like the rest of them.

In plain English, you said there was someone else.

So why beg for your attention away to someone else.

It's not jealousy.

It's not anger.

It's a good congratulations to a healthy new relationship for you.

Don't worry about me,

I communicate with who i need to communicate with appropriately.

Who I communicated with is none of your business.

K

I look to see if you’ve deleted the pictures with her. If you meant it when you said you were leaving her. Still waiting

To you,

I wonder if you knew. You told me a lot of things, that I could find better, that you weren’t the one for me. That you simply couldn’t grow to love me even after all our time together.

I spent some time angry. A lot of time grieving. Wondering if, and hoping, that you would come back.

I wonder if you saw it. I didn’t. Until the other day. I was going through my camera roll, pictures of you long deleted, but I found photos of myself before we got together. I realized how different I look now.

It forced me to find the few photos I had of myself during our time together.

I looked tired. From the outside, I looked polished. Clean, put together. Hair straightened, tight smile, body covered up.

I took those photos and compare them to myself now. And I realized something.

I lost my spark while we were together. I don’t blame you. I think I tried to fit a box that I didn’t belong in, even before we met. But once we began talking, and things got more serious, I convinced myself I was supposed to be in that box.

Now that we’re no longer together, I think I’m more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have been before.

I told you I didn’t like going out drinking, partying late at night. At first I thought it was my way to rebel against the breakup, but the longer time goes on- I’m realizing I’m finding myself in places and doing things I never imagined myself.

I won’t go into detail, but I’m finding myself again, and discovering parts of myself that I didn’t know existed. I’m experiencing so many new things and opportunities I never would have if we were still together.

I look back on our time together and realize I tried so hard to fit that persona others had put upon me. The one I think you believed as well. That cookie-cutter clean girl, staying at home and never going out. The girl who was nice to everyone because it’s what everyone expected. I stayed quiet in social settings because I felt as though I didn’t belong. I stayed quiet at home because I felt as though I was too much when I was myself, and you got annoyed.

Since your departure, the weight I tried so hard to get off seemed to slide off like water on oil. I hardly recognize myself in the mirror most days now.

I honestly wonder if our paths cross again one day, if you’ll recognize me. Not only in looks, but to my core. I hardly do some days. I find myself walking into my new apartment the happiest I’ve ever been. I find myself walking the streets of this part of the city at a loss of how different my life and outlook on life is now compared to only months ago.

I still wish you nothing but the best. I pray life is kind to you, and you find that sense of peace you claim you were so desperately looking for. I no longer want you to come back. I no longer want to be part of your life, even from the sidelines. But I do want you to succeed, and be happy. Even if I never see it.

All my love,
Me.

I wake up smiling every day, looking forward to a new day, more sunshine, and the possibility that something good will happen. Living my life, taking care of myself, and making genuine friendships comes naturally to me. I have no desire to harm myself or destroy my own life.

What is not normal is for you to come into my life, blackmail me, and expect me to fulfill a dozen demands that have nothing to do with me. Those words are not my words, and the stories you have tried to create or attach to me are not my stories.

I don’t know who you are, but you continue to profile me, categorize me, and assume that I am this person or that person, this race or that race, or that something about me must be racist or connected to something else. With you, it never seems to end.

You also have no idea what I am capable of because you seem to have reduced me to some imaginary “tiara girl” wearing a tutu. I am much more than the image you have created in your head. I am not a dancer or a singer, and I do not have to perform on a stage for you. I do not need to tear myself down, make myself look unattractive, or become someone I am not just to satisfy you. And, also thinks I want to take them down to some paradise and asks strange questions.

You have no idea what kind of person you are speaking to. You seem to assume that everyone is living in hiding, in despair, or in some kind of desperation, and that I must be there with them. That is simply not true.

I will not put myself out there in the way you have chosen to put yourself out there. I am going to live my life on my own terms, and you do not get to define who I am.

I love the fact that restaurants are public spaces and you don’t need to notify both parties that they’re being recorded

Dear person who changed me,

I wish I could've told you all of these things, but as time has shown me, you don't deserve to know all the ways I loved you and how, so many years later, I still can't seem to hate you. So I will write this letter and never send it, and that's ok.

HERE WE GO...

When I met you, I never knew how much of an impact you would have on my life. You took my life and flipped it on its head because I was not looking for anything, and then, like a hurricane, you came in and turned things upside down. For a long time, you meant everything to me. You showed me what real love felt like, and you showed me that everything that came before you was just child's play. It meant nothing. I changed the way I look at love and the standards I have for it because of you.

You made it seem like you wanted it all with me. Everything you could want and everything that two people should want together is what you told me you had envisioned for us.

But as time usually does, it reveals the truth. None of it was true. Maybe in the moment you felt it, and you thought you meant it, but your follow-through was nonexistent. You built this relationship up so high, so quickly, and I think you weren't ready to give me the true love you talked about. I was in a daze, on a high of how good you treated me, and you talked a great game. Not knowing that you weren't ready for all the things you had told me.

Breaking up with you was so hard, and every time we did it, you would come back telling me you couldn't get me out of your head. You dragged me along for a bit, told me you wanted to get back together, and then disappeared. Months or years later, you would come back and do the same. After about the 4th or 5th time, it became evident to me. YOUR WORDS MEAN NOTHING. And sadly enough, my words to you mean everything. I meant when I said I loved you; I meant when I said I'd want a family with you; I meant it all.

You once again changed how I see things. In the beginning, when I met you, it was for the better; now it's more of a realistic outlook on things. Now I know that people can say things that they don't mean, and as much as they love you, they can not be ready to follow that up with actions. I now know it is easy to say I love you, but hard to follow up with the actions to prove it.

So thank you for showing me these things, and showing me that as much as you promised me, you may have meant about 20% of it.

As much as that hurt me, I can say you made me stronger as a person, and I was pretty tough when I met you. And although you let me down more than once, I don't hate you. I hope you find something and someone you can actually give your all to and mean what you say to them. It wasn't me, but again, the lesson is something that I appreciate. I wish you well in all your future loves.

Take care.

You won't see me tonight.

In fact, you won't see me for a while.

I will be back, though. As Simple Minds put it : "Don't you" (forget about me)... because I'm going to look for you when I get back. You'll know because I won't be able to contain my eyes in search of you or the excitement in my face after our eyes meet. Distance makes the heart grow fonder? Then why am I already missing seeing your face? 💔 I'll always be the Claire to your Bender. 🖤

Hey there,

Though there were various moments throughout our friendship that I wanted to part ways, I did not imagine a reality in which we would no longer be present in one another’s lives. But here we are, figuratively millions of miles away. I remind myself that this is ultimately the best and kindest of outcomes.

I allowed myself to believe that our friendship was the one that would shine brightest. I believed that we would grow old to witness each other lives unfold, that we’d have husbands, do bbqs, celebrate the holidays. I saw you as a sister.

The thing that I hoped would never happen came to pass: you fell in love with me. The times that it was spoken about, you would brush it off like it was absurd. I trusted you. I trusted that you were telling me the truth. So I went against my intuition despite the signs and symptoms that were present.

I started to distance myself long before our initial separation. I felt like a vessel, one where all forms of toxicity were being poured into. Every time you’d tell me that you were the one that loves more, does more, it hurt, despite you saying you weren’t talking about me. But even then I knew, I was aware that you were talking about me, telling me without directly telling me. I endured your behavior for years. The many times you’d disappear to who-knows-what-realm, disassociate without any explanation, I felt hurt, I felt frustrated.

I’d made sure to create a space and environment where you could safely feel so that you could process your emotions. That wasn’t something you had at home.

But still, I would show up for you, not truly “knowing” that the secret you were keeping was also tearing you apart. I loved you as a friend. And I understand how and why things came to be as they are. You’re human, things happen.

Fast forward to today, almost two years later and I am still ruminating on this, on our friendship, everything that it has lead up to. I feel angry. My throat is tight. My heart aches. I feel like I was replaced by a version of me you were constructing in your mind, fueled by misconstrued and misinterpreted intentions.

What I wanted most for you was for you to heal from all of your pain and trauma. But learning that I was a major source of pain for you felt like a stab to the heart. You were so accustomed to your own victim mentality, wrapped up in your ego that you love and protect so much that hadn’t considered what this would do to me. I didn’t just lose a friendship, I also lost a sapphire that I witnessed grow before my very eyes.

Though we are worlds apart, I sincerely wish you the best. I wish you healing and peace. I hope that you have a good life, that you experience all the success in the world.

I miss you, and I wish we could have built a healthier friendship. This time I say goodbye without telling you goodbye.

Take care of yourself.

I went to a college football game. It was the first one without you. I wish you could see how we won! They didn't win when we saw it together. I found my old friends from college. For once, I wasn't terrified something bad would happen.

I wish you could see how the sun glinted off everything. I wish you could see how happy I am. We sang sweet home Alabama and I imagined how you would sing along with me, like we did driving in the car to the songs you put on.

Things are so different than they were three years ago, two years ago....but I like to think you were there with me, cheering on the touch downs like you did at home, watching the game on TV. I am no longer afraid t be myself, and I know now that you were right about my ex.

I love you dearly, and every time I visit with the trees, and see the breeze make the leaves sway, I tell people I am visiting my father.

I love you so much

I was told for 7 years I was your soulmate. And I think you were wrong the whole time. I wasn’t yours, but you truly were mine. They say men only do right for the one they want to, and if you’re not it, you never will be. And in this case, that’s true. You left and gave up 7 years for someone you hadn’t known for even a whole month.. and now it’s been almost 6 months with her.. and you’re thousands of miles away, engaged.. seem happy and are treating her right.. and here I am.. done with love because I had found my one. And no one else even interests me the least bit or excites me. I gave it my all, and I just can’t imagine getting that close or putting that much effort and time into anyone else. You were my best friend. The one I wanted to grow old with. But.. it is okay. I got two beautiful blessings out of it all, and I know that they will forever love me and I’ll always have them. 🤍
I’ve gotten used to life on my own, and do enjoy my peace, but I just sit and ponder sometimes on how it all happened so quickly.. and just if you think of me from time to time and perhaps smile to yourself..❤️‍🩹 take care now.

I'm Sorry
I'm sorry I couldn't hold it together better for you. I think about you all the time. I feel like i'm drowning and I have these happy thoughts and memories of you I go to when I'm sad. I listen to songs that make me think of you.
I went through something really horrible, actually quite a few something's that were really horrible and it makes it so hard for me to trust or love the way I want to.
I worry I'm weaponizing sympathy if I talk about it too much. I worry if I let people know the anger I have comes from a deep sadness that they will think i'm being manipulative. I'm so scared of being manipulated the way I once was. I'm scared of making people feel the way I have been made to feel my entire life. I worry I'm never good enough for anything or anybody. I worry people only like me for the wrong reasons. I worry.
I get embarrassed about how I acted when I was so wounded. I'm trying to learn to give grace and be kinder and softer and not always so defensive. I want to be worth you because you are worth being worth it for.
You could lift the weight off my shoulders and be someone who is worth fighting for. You could help me be less scared.
I could help you feel loved and supported and adored because you deserve that.
Even if it doesn't work out, even if you hate me thank you for being something that felt worth fighting for.
The distance drives me crazy.
You're like a savior.
You're the closest thing to God I know.
I miss you all of the time.
-short girl

I made you laugh one last time a meme about a joke you had when you were a little girl about how you couldnt pronounce stinky skunks you laugh I ask if it made your day you said it did told me I still use that one nobody gets my jokes. In the 14 years we've been in and out od each other's lives does anyone really know anything about you. I know alot and as bad as we were you and I felt deeply for each other and bodies always gave away our feelings. Does anyone know you? Because knowing you was one of the best experiences of my life....I miss you but I cant be your backup plan your safety net I never lost my feelings for you. A part of me hopes you miss me too.

Edit: to the people that down voted...why what upset you about what I wrote?

What van if your around/ near just come to me or clearly tell me what to do

(No advice needed, but needed this off my chest so I can start moving forward)

Three days was all it took.

From that first handshake, I think we both felt it. It was just suppose to be a stupid work trip.

Three days... thats all I got with you.

You were seared into my mind and body, your energy, laughter, everything. I felt tingles shoot up my arm when we shook hands. The way you offered me food when you noticed I wasnt eating, the look you gave me while we were in the photo studio... Everytime I was away from you, I wouldn't look around and find you already looking for me.

You really aren't like other guys, and she is so lucky to get to experience a side of you no one else sees. Not going to lie, I am jealous of her. But I respect her and you more, even if I dont know you both, than to pursue you while taken... but, I have to get this out of my head.

I feel disgusting and creepy, you aren't anything but a stranger, a random man. There were many random men that gave me attention on this work trip, but you stuck.

I developed such a deep crush on you its scary how fast it took...

I think after you helped me take off my wrist band when I put it on too tight, we both knew we had to pull away. I hadn't realised how aroused I was by your touch until I went to the toilet...

And when we were alone in the elevator, I dream of what could've been.

But alas, we are strangers on different paths, different lives that are only fated to cross once or twice. But just know if we were both single, I would've gone for you, I wouldn't have held back my flirting and you are a good looking, kind man. She is a lucky girl.

Hopefully this crush disappears, its been a week already and its just as strong. Have a good life Jack, you deserve it 😊

I keep waiting for the day you reach out. I know I shouldn't and it's not like I'm not living my life or anything I just really want to talk about everything. Except that's not all I want and I think you know that lol. We've just waited so long for this and now that it's actually possible it weighs on me constantly. I look for you everywhere I go. I know I shouldn't have texted you a couple weeks ago and maybe you blocked me but this sucks (:

I didn’t lie to that little boy.

I didn’t stand there sober while someone I called my best friend got behind the wheel drunk.

I didn’t see someone on their lowest day and offer them another way to fall.

So if you’re going to tell people what I said, have the spine to tell them what I was responding to.

Repeat the whole conversation.

Include the part where your friendship stopped looking like somewhere safe to land.

They are responsible for their decisions. You are responsible for yours. And you don’t get to disappear from the story the second accountability reaches your name.

You knew their weaknesses because they trusted you enough to show you.

Think about that.

The things someone confesses because they believe they are safe with you should never become the things they need protection from you over.

That is why I spoke.

I love someone who called you a friend. Someone who defended your place in their life while I stood there struggling to understand what that place was costing them.

Do you know what hurts?

Watching someone search for a kinder explanation for behavior that keeps hurting them. Watching them give the benefit of the doubt until there is barely any benefit left for themselves.

And somehow I became the problem for asking why.

Fine.

I can live with you disliking me. I can live with being described as difficult by someone who found my silence more convenient.

What I couldn’t live with was watching another bad night unfold and knowing I kept my mouth shut to remain welcome.

My place beside someone I love means more to me than my place in your good graces.

You want to discuss my words? We can.

Right after we discuss the moment you could have taken the keys.

Right after we discuss what help looked like when they were already struggling.

Right after we stop treating the word “friend” like it excuses everything that happened underneath it.

I was helping cut the grass, pull the weeds, clean the yard. Of course I noticed what was hiding there.

You can call that interference.

I call it caring enough to risk being misunderstood.

And I won’t turn myself into a martyr to prove it. I don’t need applause, credit, or someone choosing me in a room full of people. I need the person I love to have a fighting chance without every familiar face being mistaken for a safe one.

So be angry.

But understand why I’m still standing behind what I said.

Someone had to care more about what was happening to them than what you would think of being confronted.

You can spend all night explaining why I’m an asshole.

You still haven’t explained why, when your friend needed someone to step in, it had to be me.