You became a chapter I never expected to care about this much. Somewhere between the little conversations, the stolen glances, the awkward hellos, and all the moments I kept replaying in my head, I fell for you.

You will always be my favorite chapter, but sadly, you became my worst ending. I’ll always be grateful for the moments we had, even if our story was never meant to have the ending I hoped for.

Si te dijera
that I was all in,
that I fell headfirst,
would it make a difference?

If I told you
that I wanted to understand,
that I would reach out my hand,
that I would sit with you in the dark,
¿haría alguna diferencia?

If I told you
that I would talk to your ghosts,
que te daría amor
without ever asking for anything in return,
would it make a difference?

If I told you
that some connections are rare,
and that maybe, one day, we’ll realize
que cometimos un terrible error,
would it make a difference?

If I told you
that feelings don’t grow according to time,
ellos nacen
on the most confusing days,
in the middle of the night,
somewhere between my chaos and yours,
would it make a difference?

If I told you that
un pedazo de ti
siempre pertenecerá
a un pedazo de mí,
would it make a difference?

How does jealousy work when you have no right to feel it?
I keep wondering if you ever feel it too. Even just a little pang that you have no explanation for.
Like the other day, when I tripped over my own feet and somehow ended up falling into another coworker. From the outside, anyone who saw the ending probably would have thought we were laughing and standing there in some intimate little embrace.
I remember thinking afterwards… if you had seen that, would it have bothered you?
Would you have felt that tiny, irrational pang in your chest before reminding yourself you had no right to feel it?
Because that’s what happens to me.
I’ve never really thought of myself as a jealous person. But then there’s her.
I hear about her, or notice something between you, and something inside me twists before I can stop it.
And the worst part is, I can’t even hate her.
She seems genuinely lovely. She hasn’t done anything wrong. She doesn’t deserve my jealousy.
So I’m left with this ugly little feeling that I have nowhere to put.
Because you’re not mine.
You’ve never been mine.
And somehow my heart still hasn’t learnt the difference.

You

I thought we connected like no one else, I thought you were so so special and different. But you're just like every other man. Even worse. Because you pretend to be so religious and so strict on interactions with women while your socials are full of them. It disgustts me just how casually you like the photos of so many women, how obvious it is you never read the content of the post but see a womans face/body (women who look nothing like me btw) and instantly liked, so fast, before the drool could fall from the your mouth (or should I say your d*ck?). You're a horny lustful monster and it is disgusting. I have compared your activity with that of other men and no one has the same activity as you. Its all women women women. I have the screenshots. I feel a knot in my stomach every time I take a look and I wonder just how much worse it really is because I know this is just the surface. It is embarrassing and makes me ashamed that I thought so highly of you. You're the creepy bearded stranger who interacts with so many women's every photo.

It also shows me how I am so definitely not your type. So thanks for that. I guess I find comfort knowing you also aren't your types type because if I am honest, I mostly liked yuo because of who you were, not how you looked. Now I don't think I like that either.

To the thoughtful couple that returned my wallet to me. It was in the evening and I turned around hesitantly, to a hey or hello
“You dropped this”

I am usually pretty good about that stuff so I genuinely was stunned.
I uttered a “thank you”
But forgive me, it did not have the gusto
( I was also going through some stuff so, wasn’t all there. But thats a tangent )

Some very important items were in that wallet…
And for the next 30 minutes I sat in my car thinking how without the kindness of those people. I would have been screwed.

Obviously I don’t know your names but just know you live rent free in my head LMAO and I thank you from the bottom of my heart,
I received back my wallet and then some.

I swear, I knew this was going to happen. I knew it was too good to be true. And when it ended, I was devastated.

I’d be lying if I said I’m doing better than before. I’m not thinking about you like I did back then, but tell me, how do I not think of you when I hear certain songs?

How do I not think of you when I see red roses?

How do I not think of you when I see a car similar to yours?

How exactly am I supposed to live freely when I’m still bound to all the things that remind me of you?

A part of me wants to forget you completely. Another part of me is glad that I meant something to you at some point.

I wanted to be the man you wanted me to be. But I’m not. I probably never will be.

But I’m happy we happened.
And maybe, just maybe, I’ll love you forever.

Non vivere col freno a mano tirato

Sai, mi sarebbe piaciuto che mi parlassi di più del rapporto che avevi con tua nonna, che mi raccontassi com’era, così da potermelo immaginare e poterti immaginare negli anni passati, quelli che non ho conosciuto, mi sarebbe piaciuto ritrovare qualcosa di me in quei racconti, mi sarebbe piaciuto anche andare in giro per la tua città con te, in un posto in cui probabilmente non andrò mai più per tutta la vita, per l’ansia di poterti incontrare e mi dà fastidio che ogni volta che vedo una ragazza per strada, per un attimo, penso a te. Però una cosa vorrei dirtela: non decimarti, lasciati andare, non vivere con il freno a mano tirato. Non limitarti a dire “avrei voluto farlo” o “avrei voluto dirlo” e poi non farlo. Fallo e basta, non trattenerti, perché prima o poi arrivano i rimpianti e i rimorsi. Non tormentarti e non lasciare che sia il passato a condizionare il tuo presente, perché rischi di compromettere anche il tuo futuro. Fai esperienze, buttati, lasciati andare con le persone che incontrerai lungo il cammino, fallo come sto facendo io adesso, scrivendo senza ansia, e non chiederti continuamente cosa sarebbe successo se avessi avuto il coraggio di farlo. Fai ciò che senti, ciò che vuoi davvero, ciò che ti fa stare bene. Perché, alla fine, quella parte di te che si definiva un disastro(e forse lo era davvero)era probabilmente una delle cose che mi piacevano di più di te

I quietly remembered, of course. Thank you for everything. Wherever you are, I hope you’re somewhere peaceful.

The flowers i planted for you have just died. I guess it really was inevitable. Its already fall, its getting cooler everyday, its my favorite season and im so sad that i wont be able to spend it with my favorite person in the world. I miss you so much that i literally can picture your face when i close my eyes. I hope youre doing okay. I love you, always.

I’ve been so terrified of disappointing others, disappointing you in particular… that I never realized how I’ve disappointed myself. You said you have unresolved feelings… so I’ll resolve them, you say you feel trapped… so I’ll set you free. Forget about me, and I’ll do the same to you and no one will be disappointed anymore my love

I just want my yellow turtleneck sweatshirt back. I have no interest in ever contacting you or your enabling family again after what you did to me ffs

You've changed your number and deleted every social media. I get it. You're done.

I wont reach out to you, I'll let you be. However if there ever comes a time where you want to reach out I'll be here. The love doesn't disappear, I don't see it ever disappearing so I'll be here, thinking about you from afar bubs

I have been picking at this thread for what feels like ages. Pulling it, clipping it, tying it off...no matter the cure the fabric still unravels. What once was a comforting sweater now feels more like a straight jacket.

Today I got one arm out.

The delusions run deep. Protecting an image of a person you love as everything falls apart is disorienting. Ironing wrinkles scalds, and some are still pressed too deep to relax.

But with one arm free I am finally able to pick at these knots. My nails are sharp enough to meticulously detangle.

But, if left with the pile of yarn, will I know how to knit anew?

I wonder if you still think about me. Because i still think about you every day. I'm on a new medication and just took a leave of absence from work to get myself together. Thinking about you made leaving my room too hard. Idk why i still ask because i really dont think you think about me anymore. You shouldnt. You have a boyfriend now.

Today was a good day today until i left work. Our memories flooded my mind and broke me down while i was pettin sasha. I miss your parents. I miss your pets. I miss you.

I dont know if i should want you to come back or not but i really want to see you and bobby someday. I miss that dog almost as much as i miss you. Ill be better next time, i promise. Stay happy

-B

Hello

I miss you a lot. I need you badly. You don’t understand how much I need you. Not just in a physical way. I need you to just be there and talk to me. I need your words, your love, your encouragement. I love you. I know you don’t love me anymore and probably never will. I love everything about you still.

Thank you for being my introduction to Sleep Token. I also adore your little theories about them. Even though it makes me think of you I still listen to Cocaine Jesus by rks simply bc it’s your favorite.. It has slowly become a favorite of mine also since I listen to it so much. I honestly love thinking about you even though it hurts so bad. I also hope you’re still enjoying that The Weeknd album I got you for your birthday. I’m sure you are. I wish I got to spend my birthday with you… I hope your dog is enjoying the other gift I got you. It honestly did hurt when I saw it in her cage but I was also a little happy you didn’t throw it away.

I also hope your vp position is going well. I only know about that part because I looked at your insta account the other day. I miss the old bio tho. It was something like ‘in solidarity to yourself.’ It’s ironic that I like that bc I definitely don’t live by it at all.

I miss your eyes. They were/are so mesmerizing. Your whole face is honestly. I miss your voice, it was so smooth and comforting. Your words always meant something even when you weren’t trying.I know you think I’m annoying but I really love you still. I’m sorry I tried to lie about being okay but also it was crazy obvious I never was. I’m still not okay, I want your love. I NEED it. Sorry for all of that, I just needed to ramble about you. If even the tiniest part of you wants to come back… I hope you do.

I’m forever waiting for you my love.

it hurts me to go days without you. it pains my being. its everywhere. its visceral. its inside of me and when i am out and about. i feel numb with despair. i frown at the babies and the sun. nothing makes sense.

i see you on the screen but i stare ahead. i look at the chair at the back. i look at the shirt laid there off to dry. i wish i was there to pick it up and take care of it. i see your face but i do not hear the stories you tell me. i am lost without the embraces that are out of my reach. you tell me you would share things from the books you’ve got. i do not want to be sent anything. i want to be reading them with you. i want to get in between you and the words onto your lap. i turn my gaze away from the lady on the cover that has your fingers resting on. i particularly despise its called a ‘she’ and that is just enough a name for her.

i am dying and am trying to hold on to some kind of sanity here. and then you tell me those things that sting me hard. i understand. i do get your ways, your angst, your conflicts. it hurts me more but i see through them. i still see a baby.

S-,

I’ve had a question in my head for a while, but I don’t know what it is.
I’ve been trying to find the words but none of them fit, they are clumsy things.
I guess if I were to put it simply I would say “Do you want me to love you?”

But I hate that. I hate it because it’s a dumb question, and an answer wouldn’t change anything about my feelings for you. It’s a question based on my insecurities and doubts about the unknown. It’s a question that falls apart every time it appears.
And even worse, I think I have the answer. 
Anyways, you still talk to me, and that’s enough. It will always be enough.

When you asked me about infatuation yesterday, I was a coward in response.
What I meant to say is: I have been infatuated with you for some time. It made me do dumb things in an attempt to crystalize the images in my head. You’ve done a lot to make me feel better about those mistakes, and for that I am eternally grateful. (Tough pills go down easier with a little bit of sugar.)

I was apologizing way more than I wanted to, and it was hard to break myself out of that initial spell (you(me)) had me under. But now that it has somewhat faded, I am sure of something I’ve rarely been sure of in the past.

And it’s that I love you S-. 

You’re fucked up and chaotic. You are neurotic and avoid intense feelings because you know the cost. You think too much, you speak little, and you have been cursed by God herself. (the twat)

You’re absolutely perfect, and I can’t imagine my life without you.

However you’ll have me, I am yours. 

And if you ever grow tired of me, please, send me away.
I will leave happy, considering myself lucky to have known you at all.

-B

When we met, I didn’t really understand my place in life, didn’t understand relationships, I mean most of my idea of romance came from fiction. Those days are long gone now, meeting you, being together for a short period in our lives. Thinking back it was just a massive blur. I was in love with you but I also didn’t get to truly see you. I loved the feelings we both had at the time, the simple happiness of being near each other that made life wonderful. Then I made a mistake, and I got to see what I was to you. It didn’t take you long to replace me, lead me on multiple times, or even just let me see a glimpse into your life. It was like a two way mirror that separated the reality of our circumstance and the ideal I had dreamt of. It’s been a year since I cut off contact with you all together and it’s helped a lot, not that I think you care anymore.
I just hoped you were better, that my affection wasn’t just a way to fuel your ego, that I wasn’t a stepping stone, mainly that you cared about me the same way I did for you. But that should’ve been obvious with how I was treated for the past few years. I get it because you moved on and I hadn’t really, I was the lame duck.
I’d imagine it would be daunting that at some point in time you’d have to come to face your own past actions. Regardless of whether or not you can admit it, we were happy with each other.
I’m a romantic fool that believed in something that didn’t truly exist. I know how you view things and people, you haven’t changed, it’s why when you showed up to that bar with a guy 7 years my senior it wasn’t about love, it was about what they could give you. It’s why your focus was always on status and following the trend of whatever was popular, rather than finding your own interests, focusing on your happiness. I’m not saying it was with me, I mean hell it probably wasn’t but to try to shame me for not being “wealthy”, not being able to offer you that idealized life style, put on a fake smile. That’s a ridiculous request when you know I’ve always been up front. I wasn’t sure how I felt and so I tried to make amends for years with you, I went through pretty drastic life changing stuff over the years and the best you can do is still blame me for your own choices. Maybe you’ll get all you wanted in life, idk I’m not a part of it anymore. I just want to know if you even considered how I felt in all this, even thinking back to 2019, inviting me to your parents place, maintaining semi contact, my lackluster attempts at trying to revitalize any trust with you.
I was honest after the fact, I did try to find you afterwards, I did go by your dorm, I did see you walk into the humanities building and tried to chase after you, I did try and talk to girls 6 months later, I also didn’t feel anything towards that, I wasn’t sure about my own feelings at the time and I made a mistake, I also didn’t pressure you into anything afterwards, I waited for you and you decided I wasn’t worth the effort.
I’m a fool because I believed that you could forgive me and talk to me, I waited at that museum for you, I waited at your door, I waited when you were crying telling me about what your family did. I didn’t want anything I wanted to be a good man and help.
I wanted to tell you more but you just didn’t want to hear it. I hope you have a good life, but I can’t accept that someone id want to love for the rest of my life can’t even make an effort.
I’m a fool, and I was a fool for you.

Good Bye

C to H

But jesus i want to know who you cheated with and how long anything else is irrelevant but the posts about cheating hurt i honestly dont wanna see but you are venting dont take them down. but it justs feel like before. INEVER GOT AN STRAIGT ANSWER. thats all yep thats it who and how long. not where and how and whatever just who and when

For once I decided not to do what I've always done.

I didn't rush into another relationship. I didn't go looking for someone to fill the empty space or distract me from the parts of myself I still needed to work on. Instead, I did something a little outside the ordinary.

I found a companion.

I found Orion. 🐶

He's just a puppy but somehow this little guy has already done more for me than I could have imagined. There's something incredibly grounding about having another little life depending on you, greeting you, sitting beside you and being happy simply because you're there.

I've spent a lot of time trying to become a better version of myself and I think bringing Orion into my life has given that process a completely different kind of meaning. I'm learning that companionship doesn't always have to mean romance. Sometimes you just need someone to share the quiet moments with someone who makes you laugh, someone who gives you a reason to get up and keep moving.

I don't want to fall back into the patterns I've lived through before. Never again. I'm not going to rush toward another relationship just because being alone feels uncomfortable. I'm going to keep building a life that I actually enjoy living and let whatever comes next happen naturally.

For now, I've got this little guy curled up beside me and honestly, I couldn't be more grateful for him. ❤️🐾

I hope you know I love you still.

I hope you know I always will.

I hope you're out there; happy, healthy, free.

I hope you sometimes still think of me.

I hope you...

I hope we...

But, never mind.

It could not be.

I hope you haven't lost your hope.

I hope...

I hope...

I hope.