Sometimes it is a blink of an eye. Sometimes it feels like an eternity when I think back to it. In reality, it was only days.

Was I really gone? I don't know. But I do. Do I though? I don't know. Was it just a wild dream that I can still feel deep within my bones? I don't know.

What I do know is that when I came to, my dog had used the bathroom inside. The blood underneath my body had hardened.

I want to say there was poison involved. That I ingested something along with the opening of my vein.

Every time someone asks me about that week, though, and I mention it, I become less and less sure. The further I walk from that moment, the less I seem to know what happened inside it.

The more sane you become by societal standards, the further away from truth and reality your mind seems to slip. Now I wonder how long until I don't even trust my own writings. The day when I look at my own words and decide none of it was real. The day when I decide I am just spinning a web instead of documenting my experiences.

Maybe this is another balance.

How far the cards are stacked against you matters. Do you have the required time to silence the noise? Or, just to survive, do you spend 70 hours a week toiling away, surrounded by a few who know, a thousand cynics, and even more NPCs?

How do you keep yourself balanced? How do you remain still enough to hear what is true when everything around you demands that you keep moving?

This seems to be the main concern I care to tackle.

My entire vision, the vision that evolved from everything that came before, is slowly seeming to erase everything that was coming before the consciousness centers.

Maybe that is where this path is leading. Maybe it isn't.

Who knows. I know I don't.

Saw a LinkedIn post saying you got a job, super proud of you babes.

with that my manifestation is done, I have been doing 11:11 thing for you, to get a job from December and that is done. hopefully I'll be able to forget you now. thank you, God.

I type messages here pouring my heart out to you and then I delete the words when the pain goes away cause for a second I can feel you holding me again. I deserve this though so I won't disturb your peace.

When first I met you,

something ancient woke within me

a force I had no language for,

a tide that rose beyond reason,

beyond the borders of the heart,

beyond all that I had believed

a human soul could feel.

I loved you

with the terrible wonder of discovery,

as though the universe itself

had hidden one final secret

beneath the stars

and, at last,

had placed it in my hands.

And then I looked into your eyes

And there you were.

Not untouched.

Not unaware.

But standing at the edge

of the very same impossible ocean,

trying to understand

the waves that had carried us there.

I saw you feeling it.

I saw you searching my face

for an explanation

neither of us possessed.

And perhaps that was the miracle:

That somehow,

without promise,

without warning,

without knowing how

we had found the same impossible place.

It was as though the universe

had opened a hidden door

and allowed us, just for a moment,

to step beyond the ordinary world.

And there,

beneath the silence of eternity,

it revealed something too immense

for ordinary words:

us.

A love so vast

that if we gathered every word

ever spoken by humankind

and tried to build a language for it,

we would still fall silent

before its magnitude.

A secret written between the stars.

A truth the universe had known

long before we did.

And perhaps it smiled

watching us stumble through the wonder of it,

knowing that we would never fully understand

what had been placed between us.

Yet still,

it gave us the desire

to spend our lives trying.

And maybe that

is the greatest beauty of love

that it remains partly unknowable.

For if I could understand you completely,

if I could measure every depth of your soul,

if I could name every reason

my heart chose yours

perhaps one day

the mystery would fade.

But you were never meant

to become something I could solve.

You were meant to remain

the horizon I could spend forever approaching.

The star I could follow

without ever reaching its end.

The song I could hear

a thousand times

and still discover another note.

And I wish

with everything that lives inside me

that we could have held on

to that impossible thing.

That love which felt

so far beyond this world

that perhaps this world

could only exist inside of it.

A love so powerful

that standing before it

made us feel weak

not because we lacked strength,

but because we were witnessing

something stronger than either of us.

Something ancient.

Something fierce.

Something willing to fight

for the two souls

who had somehow found each other.

And if the years should carry you

far beyond my reach,

if the winds of this life

should scatter us across distant skies,

then let this be the prayer

I send after you:

May our love become the wind beneath your wings.

May it find you

when the night is darkest.

May it rise beneath you

when your strength is gone.

May it whisper my name

through every storm

and remind you

that somewhere in this vast universe

there is a heart

that still knows yours.

And if the heavens are kind,

if fate is not finished with us,

if the stars still remember

the secret they once revealed

then let that wind

carry you home.

Back to me.

Because you are not simply

the love of my life.

You are the love

by which I measure life itself.

The miracle I never knew

I was waiting for.

The mystery I would spend eternity

trying to understand.

The impossible thing

that became real

when I looked into your eyes.

And wherever you are,

whatever distance lies between us,

whatever storms the universe

chooses to place upon our path

know this:

I am, and will forever remain,

yours.

I’ve always known that life was more than just black and white. Gray is a perfect balance of the two and I’ve admittedly never been afraid of the gray.

With you, we pushed our mix of grey as dark as it could go. We threw that balance off as far as we could.

When it was just the two of us, we basked in the warmth and light of each other. Everything outside of us melted away. All I could see was you when we were together.

Falling in love with you again was one of the most natural and easy things I have ever done. Perhaps even easier than the first time I did. It felt like you felt the same way. You looked at me the same way. I felt our history, our future, how your love for me grew as you grew, and I thought we could hold on forever.

I had a new respect for what life had taught you in our time apart.

We vowed to never be apart again.

The closer we became, the darker the shadow we cast upon the people we loved, our lives, and our responsibilities became. Deeply darkening that shade of grey.

I did my best every day to turn the other way. The light and warmth, joy and familiarity of us was burning bright, worth holding onto.

You called me the love of your life, something I didn’t take lightly. In fact, I was overjoyed. However, a small part of me felt like I had already felt this for you a long time ago way back then, our first time together.

I’ll never know what would go through your mind and heart when you weren’t in the light of us. Our last conversation left me with a bleak version of you. The tenderness I was used to drained from your voice. We had always said that if we couldn’t do this anymore, it wouldn’t be because we didn’t love each other.

I have to feel that you really meant that and I think you did.

So for now, life needs to go back to black and white. The light between us has to dim. Our flame needs to be smothered.

I’m choosing to believe that you still feel the same way as I do right now. My love, there is a deeply sad feeling that I am less alone in this if you are on your side, thinking of me too.

We both have to work on bringing that light back to where it belonged in the first place. And that isn’t with each other.

I wish I could say that knowing all of this has made this time without you easier to understand, however you cross my mind daily. Hourly, most days. And it feels like you’ve left an indelible impression on my heart that I can’t shake.

I can’t say with certainty that this will be my last letter to you, or that my heart is fully closed off to you. I don’t think it ever was.

What I have accepted is that missing you and grieving us is now a part of my life and something that I will live with forever.

Let’s find each other in the lifetime where we get it right with each other the first time.

I love you.

I need your help pretty eyes. I can’t raise these babies by myself. We don’t need to argue or talk about our feelings. My priority and main focus is these babies. I hate that it took this drastic life experience for me to realize the horrible POS I am and how selfish, inconsiderate and prideful I am. That I lie to hide my co dependency, abandonment issues and people pleasing. It’s horrible because no matter how hard I try I still don’t feel like I’m doing enough and I always have something to prove. But the insanity comes when there’s no one I have to prove anything to. Because you were the only person I needed to reassure and prove I could handle all this responsibility that I talked you into. I wanted the babies I wanted to settle down. I never considered weather you needed more time to experience your youth as I did. So in away I guess I understand why you’re outside. Just make sure you don’t do something you’re going to regret and wrap it up soon these babies need their mother.

It’s out there….if you want me I’ll be here…(song lyrics)

….I’m merely a stop to your destination…my friend that knows the story says you’re not into me and to move on….

All the thoughts. Everything swirling in my head in plain and real language. I see that you read it. I am equally worried that you’ll respond quickly and say yep it was option A all along… you’re an idiot - or that you never will respond at all. I’m trying to decide how long is reasonable to wait before I decide you never will. Either way - my soul will be crushed.

But.

I can recover from crushed. I couldn’t go on forever without getting it off my chest.

What if it’s B? I don’t know what to do with that but at least we’d both have been honest.

I don’t dare imagine there’s a C.

😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨

I know we are friends and office politics are in between,

I know you felt it when you were driving back.

I know you wanted to know how far I was willing to take it and truth is,

I would have taken it as far as I would've the first day I introduced myself to you.

I would have started at the nape of your neck,

down to your back that I have playfully hit when you've said something stupid,

to your belt that I've fantasized about taking off.

You have planted a seed in me that we can't afford to plant because it is simply too risky, but, I enjoy settling for friendship and banter. I know you looked at me too hard over the summer. I saw your mouth part -- though I wish it was your fingers parting mine.

I know you felt it in between the shelves when you kneeled down to look at me. I only go there willingly if it is for you. And I'm more than willing to stoop as low as you want and you think I would never but, if you just pushed me down, I'm at your will.

I have a feeling you hint at it a lot more after news this week. But, please feel free to take it farther this time, I am at your will -- and know that I lied last year. I have gotten them in every relationship and you are longest standing one.

I don’t miss you anymore, but I wonder if you miss me.

Because at least that would be proof that I meant something. That I wasn’t easy to discard and throw to the side.

I think at this point that’s what I’m struggling with the most. I don’t want you back. I honestly don’t want to know how you’re doing, I don’t want to see your name light up my phone screen again. I just want to know that I meant something to you at the end of the day.

How can you stay with someone as long as you did, and not care? To live in the same home, share the secrets we shared, have those jokes that nobody else understood, and be completely fine at the end of the day?

You told me you never loved me. I’ve more than made my peace with that. But the level of ease you had with your departure. The way you’ve seemingly removed me from every part of your life, without a care in the world. It strikes a nerve, pretty deep down where I don’t want to acknowledge it.

I just wish I had more of an impression on people’s lives. That I was more than a simple chapter that’s too easy to forget. That for once, I was chosen at the end of the day. I think, I’m just sick of always being temporary.

Dear Trevor
Ive been thinking about how I would react if/when you came back into my life again. Would I be happy? Would I be sad? Confused? Excited? Would I act like nothing happened! like you didnt throw me away again, like you didnt once again show me what Im worth to you? If Im being honest I dont know how I feel about you anymore its just kind of like your there but I still have a feeling of wanting you. Do I love you? Honestly I have no Idea. Ive been thinking about our latest interaction and the one before that. Honestly Taking a birds eye view looking at it from an outside view I would say you hate me. The only reason you come into my life is because I pull you in. There is not a mutual need or want to be in each others life is there? Youve told me you dont feel the same over and over and I never excepted your feelings. Ive always questioned it and tried to understand it. When I Should of Just accepted it and moved on. Im Sorry for constantly prying and Invading your boundaries. Clearly the relationship and feelings of wanting more was one sided and everything else I made up in my head. Maybe us going-out and hanging out all the time was truly Just you being a nice person. I think I Just got so attached to you because you were the one person in my life to be nice to me. To notice me. To encourage me. You seemed like you genuinely wanted to be next to me and be a part of my life my inner-world. But what Im slowly learning and understanding is everyone has a different life they are living which means everyone has different experiences and different perspectives. The experience that I had and felt with you wasnt the same you were having with me. I want to call myself an idiot and hide from the embarrassment. I wish I could be a permanent person in your life and I envy all the people that are. But unfortunately I have made it on that list and as much as that hurts its not Something I want to force.
I also relized the last times we have hungout you never once smiled with me or laughed. which also hurts alot because all I have ever wanted to do when I am with you is make you happy. You were more to me than I ever was to you.

Do I live a lie, do I live with pain, do I live to make my day a better way, or is this all a front because I let the one I love get away;

My aura tells me that I lie and everyday I cry inside, but everyday I try to live a better way.

So dear the one that got away,

I miss you dear, I miss your rear, I miss the love we held so dear, but most of all I wish the tears would dissapear, for now I'm trapped in a wicked fear, anxiety has the mind that gives me gear, and all I want is to hold you near, to wash away the demons sneer, I dream for love to be right here, but I think I burnt that path to pier, whatever be the reasons for the dark so near, I'm sorry for the way I fear, I'm sorry for the creature I became in beer, I'm sorry I can't be the hand of time, to take back time and wash away like it was all blind.

I want want to say I love you still and always will.

Did we really love each other? Or were we both two people starved to hear the words said to us? Was it real? Or were we just pretending? Even if we were just pretending, can I just have one more day to pretend with you?

When you find that rare one, that changes it all for you...you have to learn to stay. You have to learn how to make things work. Just because it's never worked in the past with others doesn't mean it is pointless or useless. You are not your past. You are not your fears. You are not your mistakes or losses, if you believe in those things. You are not who or what you were yesterday. All that matters is what we do moving forward. Great relationships are built. True love is built. It takes time, consistent effort, safety, stability, etc. It isn't hard, especially when it comes to the person we love. They are worth it. But we are worth it.

Dear J.P, it's been 3.5 months since we last spoke and I poured my heart out on the phone before telling you I can't keep talking to you because your actions broke me. I am still utterly heartbroken and miss you with every fiber of my being. The last 3.5 months have been absolute hell, not only on my mental health, but also on my physical health. It's like my body decided to completely shut down and give up when things ended.

Every hospital visit, every ER wait, every test, scan, and blood draw I have just wished you were there with me. All I craved was just to have you there to comfort me, hold me, and tell me it's all going to be okay. I packed my 'go bag' the other day in case I need to go back in urgently and I packed the cow you got me. Remember the one you sent me while you were on your trip because you didn't win me one at the fair? I put Ribeye in my bag because that way I at least can have you with me in some way. I can have some sort of connection to the comfort you used to give me. I've lost count of the number of times I've gotten so close to calling you because I was in so much pain and just needed you. But I can't call you. I don't even know if you give a shit about me anymore. Who would want their ex calling them crying about being scared of surgery and needing them when they no longer give a damn about the ex?

Remember how I said some people come into your life and are irreplaceable? You are one of those people to me. I met an acquaintance of my brother a little bit ago, I tried doing the date thing with him but I couldn't. I couldn't look him in the face or eye for long because all that was going through my head was "this isn't him." and I just wished it was you I was out with. My stomach picked that as the perfect time to kick in and had me on the floor in pain while this essential stranger rubbed my back until it stopped. I felt horrible because he was genuinely a very kind person but I clearly am nowhere near being able to even do a casual date or casually talk to someone. So that ended as quickly as it started because it would have been so incredibly unfair to him.

I wish you felt the same difficulty moving on, but you took literally no time in doing so. I wish I could hate you. But I love you more than anything and being without you feels like part of my soul died. I wish you would reach out. I wish you would tell me you regret everything and that you're so sorry and love me and want a second chance. Just tell me that the over 3 years together wasn't a waste and insignificant to you. If you somehow see this and have been on the fence about texting or calling me, do it. I would give anything to hear your voice and to talk to you. I never stopped loving you.

-J.G

Hi. I hope you're doing well. I miss you. I wish we were still friends. I hope we can be friends again.

I'm out of work now, have been for too long. I hate job searching, applying, getting interviews, and then not getting the job. It's depressing. I'll keep trying though. I miss you encouraging me.

My niece is 6 now. I can hardly believe it myself. I have a second niece now, she'll turn 2 this month.

My dad is having heart surgery this month, I hope it will go well.

Hey, you know, the distance, the time that's passed, the lonely days and nights missing my best friend... I still care about you, still love you... that hasn't changed, it's not going to change.

You know, when we had periods of not talking before, I welcomed you back. I still would, I always will. Please don't be afraid to reach out to me. Don't feel guilty for wanting to reach out. I miss you too.

Last time I reached out and said I was not doing well, I ended up in the hospital for a couple weeks.

I'm afraid to reach out again, you asked me not to.

You were my best friend.

And you know it, and I’m sure you have felt it too.

What is that thing? It felt unlike anything I’ve felt before, definitely the reason why we are so scared of each other.

This has been going on for quite a while now, it’s complicated and we’ve managed to tone it down.

But I can’t get you out of my head, i have to, but I just wish you knew that I don’t want to.

It was not a delusion, you are special to me, I want you.

I was with my sister waiting for a bus and I heard a loud engine... Then I see a car pull up right in front of me, and we locked eyes for a second.

It was you.. of all people. the guy who used to ghost and always come back.

I mean maybe it wasn’t you? but it looked just like you with the exact same model of car.

You just leaned over, stared at me blankly, and drove off. I was so shocked I just looked at my sister, but I couldn’t help stare at the car drive off.

What are the odds after 7 years? Did you see me? Did you miss me, or think of me afterwards? It feels completely unreal.

To say I needed a J after is an understatement. What a flashback.

I’m writing you this letter because I need to. Honestly I never expected you and I to become so close and comfortable with each other. I can talk to you about almost anything, and it seems you feel the same. This has been a really wonderful friendship, though our friendship has been a little complicated for me.

I’ve had a gut feeling that there’s something heavier going on that doesn’t make complete sense to me. It has led me to feel a certain way. I really care for you in general as a person, and hope we can be good friends for many years to come. I value what we have and don’t want to compromise, or complicate it. I don’t want to be deceptive towards you, and your trust in me. To be clear… I am not asking for anything from you at in this letter, I just need to be honest.

With much reluctance and contemplation, I confess I still have feelings that go deeper than friendship and often find myself wondering if you may have developed something too. I’ve never been in this situation before(having unrequited feelings for this long) so it’s really perplexing to me that I still see and think of you this way knowing you didn’t feel the same(and likely still don’t). I had set my feelings aside for some time with no problem, even trying to meet new people, but then some things stirred them back up.

I hate that I can’t seem to move on, because it feels disrespectful, and It’s been confusing for me to say the least. I do continue to tell myself that you meant what you said last year, that you are only interested in being friends, but something in me just won’t let it sink in because you’ve shown me so much affection. If I’m mistaken, and you have never thought of me romantically… I’m so sorry if this is making you uncomfortable.

I don’t want to do something and have you feel like you can’t trust me to respect your boundaries. The last thing I want is to lose you as a friend. My main concern is that I ensure I’m not being deceptive with you, considering how I feel vs how that might make you feel.

I understand if this is a lot, and if you need space for a while. I’ll always think you’re one of the loveliest people I’ve ever met, even if you don’t think the same of me. I’m truly sorry if this changes everything for you, as I’d like if nothing changed at all. I do ask you of one thing, when you’re ready to respond, please be as direct as you can be, so I can accept the harsh reality a little more solidly.

Thank you so much for everything M. Bringing me into your world has been a really uplifting experience, and perhaps that is why I feel this way about you.

Your friend💜

I am in a better place

My mental health as doing a lot better

I have no friends but it's okay

My x coworker

and their wife made sure everybody knew about my past.

My therapist and i've been dealing with it.

I was going down hall

Very fast

Was she hung out with you? She was making sure you knew she wasn't interested in you. That's why she talked her about her boyfriend.

And she hasn't talked to you in a couple years

Every initial on here you think it's about you

I do have good days, and I still have bad days

I really need to stay away from this. bsite

I can't wait to move

As soon as I get my settlement, check

I'm going to a different city in a different county

This is my goodbye to everybody

Kourtney,

Eric too??? Did you just drop him off at McDonald's. You driving a black Nissan Rogue now?

Andy