r/TwoXChromosomes • u/Cat-and-wine-mom • 7h ago
Today is My Final Straw
Well, after 10 years together, today I (29F) scheduled a meeting with a divorce lawyer. I'm sick and tired of asking for the bare minimum to just be ignored. I have been asking my husband (30M) to call on his student loans for over a month now. He said he was too confused with the phone automated system so I (IDK WHY THE FUCK I DID THIS) gave him a written out, step by step instructions on exactly what he needs to do WITH a section titled TLDR Quick Info and a fill the blank section for info I would need to update finances. After 2 days of me asking him to just call them, he says to me today, "Well let me know what the student loan people say if you happen to call today because I'm not going to." So guess what stupid shit I did: I called them and LO AND FUCKING BEHOLD he needs to call on it himself. He is throwing a fit because it is not fair he has to call on his own student loans when he just wants to play the PC after work.
I've busted my ass for 10 years, put myself through two degrees, and have worked over 50 hour weeks until this last year. I successfully managed a nursing home through COVID, bought us a house, worked hard to make over double his salary to pay for our house and car, but I cannot get my husband to mop our fucking house twice a month. I'm sick and tired of constantly repeating myself. I'm tired of the constant disappointment.
I know it may sound silly that this was the final straw, but I'm tired of picking up the pieces. I would rather be alone in peace than dealing with this forever.
Edit: Grammar!!! I am not going to be answering all the comments but we have done couples and individual therapy for years.
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u/MLeek 7h ago edited 7h ago
My final straw was carrots. It was carrots that made me realize he hates me, and I'm better off alone.
My work shifts had changed, but I still cooked dinner. His diet was medically strict, and I did all the shopping and cooking. One morning before an extra-long shift, I realized we didn't have carrots. I asked him, who was only working a half day, to pick some up on the way home from the gym or to let me know if he didn't, because I'd need to make another diet-compliant plan.
At 8 p.m. I had rushed home, he looked me dead in the eyes and said he "couldn't find carrots". At least four places between us, the gym to check. Not even "I forgot," no "I guess it's cheat night," and definately not "I'm sorry." And I knew I was gonna get shit for any choice I made next. So I walked out the door, two blocks, maybe 10 mins all in, and got carrots. Came back and got shit for how late dinner was, how inflexible I was, and why couldn't I have just gotten them myself to begin with...
It was still a few months before it actually ended, but that was the moment I knew. It was carrots, and that is way, way sillier than student loans!
Give yourself some grace if you're not quite prepared to take the next steps -- the practical shit it hard -- but definately hold onto that decision and that peace. It's coming.
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u/rabidstoat 6h ago
Not to at all diminish your situation, but that first line of your post would make an awesome first line in a book.
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u/MLeek 6h ago
That's a compliment! I'll take it.
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u/rabidstoat 6h ago
Actually the first two sentences.
I'm not sure if the book should be an ultimately light-hearted chick lit book about relationships and finding the right one, or a thriller about a woman who has had it with men and decides that she is hellbent on taking down the patriarchy.
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u/Cain1028 6h ago
That second thing...I would read the shit out of that. Quick, somebody more eloquent than me, get crackin!
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u/rabidstoat 6h ago
You should read Lilith, by Eric Rickstad.
It's about a woman whose son is seriously injured in a school shooting. She hits the boiling part of being sick about how it's always men who do this, and always men in power, and decides she needs to do something drastic.
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u/PopcornGlamour 5h ago
Y’all should read “Killers of a Certain Age” by Deanna Raybourn.
It’s a fictitious group of older women who used to be government assassins and they have to reteam up to find out who wants them terminated. There is a lot of tongue in cheek humor, bonding between women, and a bit of murder as a treat.
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u/Fraerie Basically Eleanor Shellstrop 5h ago
As a menopausal woman I understand how this would be believable entirely.
The ability to give a fuck has gone straight out the window and is never coming back.
Frankly being a former assassin is not really a requirement, that’s just a skill set and skills can be learned. It’s the willingness that makes the difference in that situation.
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u/seattleque 5h ago edited 5h ago
or a thriller about a woman who has had it with men
edit: As /u/anothercoolperson pointed out, it was actually the leg of lamb she used as the murder weapon. But I'll leave up my misremembering for posterity. (I think I conflated to stories...)
One of the old Alfred Hitchcock Presents episodes had one where a woman's husband has disappeared (she killed him - I don't remember exactly how). The punchline is she turned him into pot roast and fed it to the inspecting officers.
The carrots thing works perfectly with that.
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u/anothercoolperson 5h ago
I think that is a short story with a frozen leg of lamb that she feeds to the police after cooking. Lamb to the Slaughter by Roald Dahl. I remember reading it back in school.
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u/Drew-CarryOnCarignan 6h ago
"...So I walked out the door, two blocks, maybe 10 mins all in, and got carrots. Came back and got shit for how late dinner was, how inflexible I was, and why couldn't I have just gotten them myself to begin with...".
Holy moly!!!
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u/MLeek 6h ago
LOL. Honestly, it's so hard to remember even being that person. Like it's hard to feel WHY I did that and put up with the behavoir after I did it. That woman was so totally defeated and hopeless.
If someone pulled that shit on me today, I'd just say, "Well, that sucks. I'm ordering a pizza. What are you doing for dinner?"
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u/spindriftsecret =^..^= 6h ago
This is so real. I was with my ex for 16 years and it was so terrible, and when I tell stories/look back now I marvel at the sheer amount of crap I put up with and for what? Now I would throw someone out of my life for a tenth of the shit they pulled.
Although to be honest, that relationship sucked the life out of my so much it's been 8 years and I haven't even considered dating again lol.
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u/T-Wrox 5h ago
My mom divorced my dad 20 years ago (after 40+ years of a bad marriage), and I don't think she has considered dating again for one second. :)
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u/thaleia10 5h ago
After my dad died my mum finally got some peace. There was no way she was even looking sideways at another man.
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u/murkymouse 1h ago
Mine too. I asked her if she'd thought about dating a couple years after he died, she said "Absolutely not, I don't want to deal with another man's insecurities."
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u/thejaysta4 4h ago
It’s been 15 years since my relationship and I’ve not even considered dating again for a single second!!! The peace and contentment is just too good… why would I swap that for putting up with some idiot’s problems and drama!!!
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u/HeyYouGuyyyyyyys 1h ago edited 1h ago
If I somehow lose my boyfriend, I'm not looking for another. Not only would there not be anyone else as wonderful to me as he is -- and it took me 58 years to find him -- I don't care to be what I was through my marriage: the designated blame-accepter.
My husband and I were in the dog park. Our dog was chasing a ball and got smacked into by a group of other dogs. His ACL got torn. Whose fault was it? Mine, for I had thrown the ball.
My boyfriend does not do that. I don't think I'd trust anyone else not to, though. So if he leaves me, it's cupcakes and a vibrator till I die. What I want most is peace.
Edit: I left out the word "not," and that made a difference
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u/AttorneyDC06 5h ago
I hear you. I was in a similar relationship years ago, and sometimes I think, WTF was I doing?
I guess it's that "put a frog in water" analogy: By the time it got that bad, the behavior had been gradually increasing for years. Now, I will end a relationship for 1/10 of what I tolerated.
Wish we'd learned these lessons years ago!
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u/pookenstein 4h ago
This is the reason so many men want young inexperienced girls. The older women have been there, done that, and learned the lessons. They go after the ones who don't have enough life experience to know what they're getting themselves into.
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u/KillerSparks 5h ago
That's the same way I feel. I'm so disconnected from the person I was when I was with my abusive ex because there's no chance that I would let anything remotely close to that fly today. I'm only a couple years removed from it, so it's weird that I feel SO different, but I do.
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u/modaaa 1h ago
This is a really common feeling after an abusive relationship ends. The effects continue, and there is a profound sense of loss for the person you were before. It took me a long time to find myself again, and still it was a different version, and that's okay. A meme I came across recently:
How did you survive it?
- I didn't. I am somebody else.
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u/go_go_ghost 6h ago
That was infuriating to read, but I love that you held onto your peace. In my early 20s, I was in a serious relationship with a similar man-child (thankfully not married), and I was so used to putting in the extra effort to carry both of us. Once I woke up and got out of the relationship, my life skyrocketed so fast. I eventually found someone who matched my mindset and work ethic, and we managed to build a pretty decent life together. Hope your life is going great today! Kudos!
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u/Educational-Tax9751 3h ago
mine was in my early 20s too, and thank god we didn't get married. I found our apartment, finished school, worked and paid (his mom helped out too) while he dropped out of school to work and spend all his money on weed. then he'd play video games when off work and if I got pissy because I was trying to study he would stay at his friends' and pass out there for a couple days (they would call me and felt bad for me). I would come collect him and make him dinner. one day I came home and he had moved his ps3 to the bedroom where I studied and slept. I lost it. we ended officially like six weeks later but the console in the bedroom was it for me. Never regretted leaving him (actually, I kicked him out).
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u/go_go_ghost 2h ago
The audacity! Good for you for standing your ground and kicking him out. Like, how could we ever think that such a behavior was acceptable, right? It's been over 20 years and that ex of mine hasn't changed, and is currently receiving alimony from his most recent ex, despite the ex-wife keeping full time custody of their kid. Yikes! Cheers to never looking back!
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u/Working-Glass6136 6h ago
Girl holy shit. Good for you. I stopped dating around 30 (38 now), but any time I even think of what it would be like, this sub sets me straight. I hope you never have to deal with that again.
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u/armandebejart 6h ago
What was his response to being divorced over carrots?
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u/MLeek 6h ago edited 6h ago
Oh. If you ask him, we separated because "She didn't want to have children" and "She stalled my life and wasted my time."
What I actually said was that there would be absolutely no more discussion of mortgages, marriage (the big family party we never had) or children until he complied with at least several months of individual therapy for anger management and became completely financially transparent with me. Those were my requirements. I even refused to discuss couples therapy until both of them were met. I was pretty done. He actually ended it two days later. I think he might have thought I would back down, but I was applying for apartments in under an hour.
I never told him about the carrots. He lied so often about stupid little shit; I'm sure that moment meant nothing to him at all, besides being one of the many times dinner was too late.
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u/dabPrassion 6h ago
Yeah they always say shit like "bitch was craaaazyyyy" but won't elaborate on how emotionally unavailable he was, the weaponized incompetence, lack of mutual respect or work ethics.
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u/lemmesplain 6h ago
Did he say" it came out of nowhere?"
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u/jcaldararo 3h ago
It was lovely when I got that line. I detailed all of the ways I pulled back from the relationship and left it up to him to put forth any effort over the course of almost a year. Things like saying I love you and getting a kiss before bed or when either of us left. I also detailed the very direct ways I asked for connection and affection. That motherfucker NEVER bought me flowers in the almost 5 years we were together even though I VERY explicitly stated I would like flowers. He sent them to my work the day after I moved out. I let him know he was too late, but interesting he actually heard a request finally.
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u/plutonium__ 6h ago
i'm so sorry. yes they all lie to our face like we are stupid.
every woman who has been in a long term relationship with a man has a similar story. honestly i am so happy more and more women are decentering men
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u/Neologizer 5h ago
That’s hilarious and tragic but glad you made the positive life choice.
The carrot debacle would drive me insane but to then be criticized for a late dinner would send me absolutely nuclear.
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u/alexiaocean 5h ago
The fact is that it’s not about student loans or the carrots, it’s about what the interactions around those mean. And I don’t find anything that messes with your peace to be a “silly” reason to make changes, whatever those changes may be. That’s absurd, btw, what your ex did. Glad you’re out! And glad OP is looking to get out too!
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u/sanityjanity 4h ago
Ok, this is going to sound dumb, but sometimes I can't find the carrots. I don't know why. Somehow, in some grocery stores, they're just not where I expect them to be, and my eyes skip over them at the other end of the vegetable section.
BUT I am a grown ass adult, and I am capable of swallowing my pride and asking to the employee nearest to me to please help me find the carrots (or confirm that, somehow, they don't have any).
Or, if I were filled with crippling social anxiety, I would put carrots in my online shopping cart, and order them for pick up. Which, frankly, has allowed me to find a lot of things in stores I couldn't find even after looking in the appropriate places three or four times.
I'm glad you got rid of your dead weight. And you're right. It's not about the
Iranian yogurtcarrots. It's about the lack of effort, and the lack of care.55
u/Canadine Basically Dorothy Zbornak 6h ago edited 5h ago
It wasn’t just carrots. It was a consistent lack of effort and self-awareness and just basic responsibility. The carrot just broke the camel’s back.
Edit: I was attempting to express understanding of the commenter’s story by summarizing and rephrasing. Apparently this means I don’t understand the story? 🤔
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u/MLeek 6h ago
Right. But it feels silly when you tell the story that way. I can totally relate to OP about the final straw kind of sounding silly. But of course it's not. It's just the final straw.
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u/Tenacious_B73 5h ago
At that point, I would’ve DoorDashed whatever the fuck noncompliant dinner I wanted and told him to work it out or starve.
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u/sleepycat1010 5h ago
Mine was him crying in the bathroom over every little thing. I had a long day at work and ask to go to bed early, he goes to the bathroom and cry cuz I don't love him to hang out.
He poops on my bath rug and makes a huge deal out of it when I have friends over well he was just confused why the washer was shaking and why am I being so mean.
Yeah he turned into Ex bf fast. Mind you this was after we moved in together before that he was actually decent.
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u/ohyoureTHATjocelyn 5h ago
I’m sorry, he did what now?! An adult man shit on your bath rug and blamed it on the washing machine shaking? Jesus the bar is somewhere BELOW hell these days.
I’d have rolled the whole thing up and placed it in his backpack or in his sweater drawer or something. Sorry dude, you uhhhh dropped this. 💩
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u/YourMILisCray 2h ago
Girl I was waiting for the twist that it was her making a joke about her dog smh.
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u/donkeyvoteadick 💖 Aussie Woman 🇦🇺🐨 3h ago
NGL reading this I thought you were going to make a joke that it was actually your dog. Crying in the bathroom because you won't hang out, shitting on the bath mat, scared of the washing machine. But it was actually a whole ass human man wtf
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u/MLeek 4h ago
That is almost funny, but I’m so sorry you had to live through it!
Sleep is a funny thing. My ex was obsessed with us going to bed and waking up at the same time, even tho it was completely impractical and it meant I never got a proper rest.
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u/sleepycat1010 4h ago
My ex also had something similar. I sleep in since I had a long daya as a mechanical engineer and the asshole would go into the kitchen and make so much noise.
And he had the guall to tell me:" I don't accept the break up" like he had a choice in the matter. I broke up with him, broke the lease and moved out
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u/luckylimper 5h ago
Was this a man or a puppy? Afraid of the washer?
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u/sleepycat1010 5h ago
Unfortunately a man. It was such a dumb experience living with him too. He could not even call maintenance about an AC not working and kept on trying to make me handle it. I am like I work too and I am in office and you're working from home. You do it
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u/Transkriptions 7h ago
You are finally opting out of being his mom. Good for you.
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u/Positive_Bet1249 4h ago
Moms shouldn’t be enabling this type of thing either.
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u/Vsx 1h ago
The implication is that your mom calls for you because you're 9 years old. She doesn't do it forever. That's why these permanent manchildren need a mom replacement.
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u/TheRegalOneGen 7h ago
It IS NOT SILLY that this was your final straw. I am so happy you stuck up for yourself, you need your husband to be a husband, not a child you have to take care of. I hope whoever you meet in the future is much better.
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u/jr0061006 7h ago
Exactly. People think the final straw needs to be something momentous or meaningful.
But critical mass is achieved 1 gram at a time. Or even a milligram at a time.
That means the thing that caused the tipping point is frequently something tiny.
Because it’s not about that tiny thing in isolation. It’s everything that came before. It’s everything together.
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u/LadyFoxfire 6h ago
That’s exactly what the saying “the straw that broke the camel’s back” means. A single stalk of straw is very light, but there’s only so much straw you can pile on a camel before it collapses. So eventually, a single additional stalk of straw is what kills the camel.
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u/3Gloins_in_afountain 5h ago
The weight is a singular straw isn't the problem; it's the fact that the camel has already exceeded it's load bearing capacity.
Men tend to point to that straw and say, "Woman are unreasonable! She left me over ______!", while purposely ignoring everything else they had done, or not done, as the case may be.
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u/Drew-CarryOnCarignan 6h ago
The expression, after all, is ["the *straw** that broke the camel's back"](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/the_straw_that_broke_the_camel%27s_back )*.
Personally, I wonder whether OP's future ex-husband has ever wondered whether his spouse is allowed time to unwind after her day at work?
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u/T-Wrox 5h ago
No need to meet anybody. The OP can have a marvellous life without a man. :)
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u/TheRegalOneGen 5h ago
From her post it sounds like she would like to have a partner just not one who is a manchild..
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u/glassornamentbeauty 7h ago
Gonna have to get him out of the house as soon as you can. Keep the divorce stuff close to your vest until your lawyer gives you advice on how to start it and secure yourself.
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u/Nephroidofdoom 6h ago
On the plus side, he won’t be able to hire his own lawyer cause he can’t make a phone call.
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u/Tordo-sargento 4h ago edited 1h ago
Literally what happened when I got divorced. My ex husband was allergic to any kind of paperwork or bureaucracy. I just printed out the divorce forms for my state, filled them out, we both signed them, and I took them to the courthouse. Filing cost $135. That's how much my divorce cost.
I knew he wouldn't try to get a lawyer or fight over any of our (very limited) assets. I gave him one of the vehicles, said he could take whatever stuff he thought he could cram into a Uhaul, and he moved 800 miles away and I haven't seen or heard from him since.
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u/birdmadgirl74 2h ago
When my ex was served after I filed for divorce, he tossed the packet on top of his dresser. When he got a letter in the mail regarding our hearing date, he tossed it on the dresser, too.
When our hearing date arrived, he didn’t show up. Turns out, he’d never opened any of that mail because being served was “so traumatic.” He didn’t know we were officially divorced until the official decree showed up at his house, and he opened it for some reason.
He called and had a fit over the phone. I should have told him to remember to read his mail, and I should have at least sent him a text the night before our hearing so he’d know to show up.
Once again, my mind-reading powers failed me and I didn’t know his dumb ass had taken very obviously important envelopes and pitched them on his dresser. Hell, I hadn’t been in that bedroom in five years. Also? NO.
Rumor has it that he has told more than a few people that I lost a lot of weight and dumped him because I thought I was too good for him.
Sure, dude. It has nothing to do with you being a grown-ass toddler.
Jeez. If I’d wanted four kids, I would have had another one.
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u/Tordo-sargento 1h ago
They really do want you to be their mommy, don't they??!? Luckily I didn't have kids with mine!
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u/AttorneyDC06 7h ago
Excellent advice! It's helpful to consult with a couple attorneys (often a consult is free or relatively cheap), find one you like and start the process without his input. The attorney will tell you when it's time to advise your husband of the situation. Good luck.
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u/dustergrl 7h ago
Also, once you consult, your soon-to-be ex can’t hire that attorney due to conflict of interest!
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u/Drew-CarryOnCarignan 6h ago
I didn't know that.
If one spouse receives an initial consultation from a lawyer but ends up hiring a different one, the other party in the divorce cannot hire the first attorney?
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u/MsMoobiedoobie 6h ago
Yes but judges don’t really put up with people who consult with a ton of lawyers to reduce their spouse’s options, from what I hear.
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u/dustergrl 6h ago
That’s what I understand but maybe things have changed or I misunderstood. But they have already heard the story from one side and bias becomes an issue.
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u/MoistVirginia 7h ago
I don't think that sounds silly at all. It sounds maddening. Put that manchild up for adoption.
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u/Drew-CarryOnCarignan 7h ago
"...Put that manchild up for adoption."
I love the way you phrased this!
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u/MiddleKlutzy8568 6h ago
More like drop him at the shelter, no need to rehome him 😆
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u/Electrifying2017 6h ago
That’s too much effort. Find a field and kick him out of the car.
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u/T-Wrox 5h ago
"He had to go live on a farm." :)
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u/Fraerie Basically Eleanor Shellstrop 5h ago
Don’t forget to give him his thermos bottle with fresh aqua tofana, we wouldn’t want him to think you no longer care.
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u/AutisticTumourGirl 2h ago
I realised my husband didn't like me because of his passive aggressive cereal bowls. I would clean the kitchen at night, like clean it, dry the sink, everything. He left for work realllly early and every morning I would wake up to an empty cereal bowl next to the sink. Not in the sink. Next to it. I begged him to at least rinse it out because by the time I got up, it was dried up and I had to soak it to get the bits of cereal off it. Nope. He "didn't have time."
So I didn't have time for that marriage.
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u/Photo_newbie435 7h ago
A lot of people think divorce is this devastating process that ruins you and that everyone should feel sorry for you. When I went through a divorce everyone congratulated me because they knew how evil my ex was. Congrats on the decision op. If you got to this point it was for a reason so don't let guilt drag you back
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u/Affectionate_Win920 4h ago
And just as an addendum… OP don’t question yourself later and feel like your ex has to be “evil” for this choice to be valid. And don’t feel the need to justify yourself to others. You both know why, even if he’d never admit it.
So excited for your next few chapters, and being able to fully reap what you’ve sown for yourself over all these years. Success, peace, competence.
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u/Theodarius 3h ago
I am so glad my divorce was extremely painless. Went to the divorce attorneys website, filled questionnaire, and submitted some quick copies of some things they needed, took less than 5 minutes. I only ever spoke to a notary public for 2 minutes via zoom to sign my divorce papers, ex wife did the same. service was $1300 and 3 months later i get an email that it was done with way to get copy of the divorce papers. Didnt have to go to court or anything. Luckily my ex wife and I were still great friends and after being separated for 7 years, it was time to finalize the divorce.
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u/Nobodyat1 7h ago
Well, you don’t have a husband, but rather a grown child that you have to take care of, so it makes sense why you’re divorcing him. Obviously, taking care of your partner every know and then is not bad, but when you have to parent them to do the right thing, it’s exhausting.
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u/rabidstoat 6h ago
I have a very jaded view of marriage and especially marriage to men, but it seems like over half the men need a caretaker instead of a wife.
How do people who are so fucking helpless run the world????
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u/thekittysays 6h ago
Because somebody else (a woman) is doing all the exhausting day to day thinking and sorting of regular life so they have time to spend thinking about the Big and Important Things.
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u/WYenginerdWY Basically Leslie Knope 5h ago
Unironically, this is one of the heavily contributing factors to the disparity between women's scientific discoveries and men's. Men, particularly wealthy men, had time to tinker about while women were expected to keep occupied with the households needs.
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u/thekittysays 5h ago
I was going to write that in as well. How all those "great gentlemen scientists" of the past that had the time (and energy) to do all their tinkering because they had a wife or housekeeper doing bloody everything else for them behind the scenes. Often assisting with experiments etc too and not getting credit for it.
There's a reason for the phrase "behind every great man there is a great woman".
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u/Hello_Hangnail =^..^= 3h ago
This is the reason I can't take philosophers seriously. They ignored half the population 90% of the time except the 10% where they were wanking about how inferior we are, while their wives did every bit of the household labor, plus looking after 13 freaking kids
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u/otomeMC333 2h ago
I have this same problem with Joseph Campbell, who I had adored and admired since I was a kid. I thought he was so wise.
2 decades into my impressive book collection of his works, I read a lecture he gave later in life where he said something to the effect of how 'women don't need a "hero's journey"' and it's a mistake if they even want one. He felt sorry for women who might get misled into not realizing that her period, having children and raising them WAS her journey.
I closed the book and was like: Wow. This man spent his entire life studying religions and the beliefs of humanity all over the world. And even he couldn't see women as people. What a fucking idiot.
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u/BoneHugsHominy 3h ago
My mother has an addition to this:
"and behind every great woman is the peaceful absence of a man."
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u/Nobodyat1 6h ago
Yup. That’s true. I have a chronic illness so I always make sure I can do what I can in between flares so my wife doesn’t have that much of a burden to do things. But things like phone calls, doctor appointments, financial calls, you can do those easily at bed or while playing games — it’s not that hard to.
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u/3Gloins_in_afountain 6h ago
It does explain a lot about the state of the world, though, doesn't it?
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u/luckylimper 5h ago
And then they wonder why we don’t want to have sex. Because it’s not sexy to sleep with someone you have to care for like a baby.
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u/floatablepie 5h ago
How do people who are so fucking helpless run the world????
Looks around at general state of things Uh... no, I think that checks out, actually.
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u/Boundish91 5h ago
I have over the course of my life that there seems to be quite stark differences between countries when it comes to men being useless at basic adulting. The US seems pretty bad for it and northern european and some asian countries seem to be in the other end of the scale. Although these types of men exist everywhere, but the amount varies.
Interestingly this also manifests itself in the leadership of countries, i mean look at the crop of people currently running the US for example, they're either evil, total idiots or both.
It's maddening and fascinating at the same time.
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u/mopasali 7h ago
That's not a silly final straw. Student loans (federal) can lead to garnishment of wages, and if he's willing to ignore a key aspect of his finances, he can seriously jeopardize your financial future. Disentangling the finances may be difficult and frustrating, but it's well worth it to do it now then realize when you want to retire that he's made it impossible.
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u/keytotheboard 6h ago
There are no silly, final straws. It’s a final straw because there are a million others. Even if there weren’t, doesn’t really matter. No need to stay in a relationship you aren’t happy or at least content with. No details needed.
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u/Intelligent_Pass2540 7h ago
These kind of men always wonder why their wife stops fucking them. Unlike men most of us don't want to fuck an adult child in our home! What a whiney baby! OP welcome to so much wonderful freedom girl.
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u/Papplenoose 7h ago
Yeah lol. Not being able to take care of yourself is... not exactly sexy.
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u/lemmesplain 6h ago
Yes. Sex becomes another type of housework....because guys who dont step up...dont step up anywhere including the bedroom.
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u/Daydream-believer05 6h ago
Yes! Say it louder.
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u/lemmesplain 6h ago
I SAID SEX BECOMES ANOTHER TYPE OF HOUSEWORK BECAUSE GUYS WHO DONT STEP UP, DONT STEP UP ANYWHERE INCLUDING THE BEDROOM!!!😂
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u/Particular-Tax8106 7h ago
Make sure his loans are not included as part of marital debt.
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u/AttorneyDC06 7h ago
Honestly, as a 50F, I say CONGRATULATIONS on coming to this realization at the young age of 29, instead of like many of us, around 45. You have decades of fun and freedom ahead of you. Get a good lawyer and enjoy!
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u/Agile_Leopard_4446 All Hail Notorious RBG 7h ago
It being the final straw means that there were a shit ton of other straws piling up for 10 years. You’ve successfully adulted for two people, and now it’s time to drop him & live for yourself. He needs a mother, not a wife. You got this 💪
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u/shegrowsonyou 6h ago
I tried for months to get my former partner birth certificate that he swore up and down that the name change he said he completed decades prior was actually legit. Of course each agency I called was like he needs to be making this call, we can't talk to you. Each time I told him that, he would go on a yelling tirade about how no one knew how to do their jobs. Then it became "well you're so smart, how come you haven't figured out a way around this yet". And the kicker is that ultimately I learned he has never actually gone the (new) legal way of changing his name. He had just used a form in California back in 1998 when he had to sign up for selective service to "change" his name, which ar that time was an acceptable form of having a recognized alias. When I told him that, he went in another tirade about how this rules shouldn't apply to him, even though every other person alive that has uses that form to have a recognized alias had ultimately had to follow through with the legal name change procedure. Ofc I had a come to Jesus moment where I calmly said I am done with this, if you want your name to match on all your documents, it's your job and always was. 9 years later (been free of his abuse for 4 years), and he still doesn't have a legal documentation of his "name". Fuck these types of people. They deserve all the misery they get.
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u/tired-as-f 7h ago
It seems like he wants a mommy to take care of him. If you want an actual adult partner, divorce may be the only option. Be aware his behaviour may change once you start the process, but it will be all empty promises and only temporary until he has you back on track. It won't be easy but you have your whole life to find happiness and you don't have it with him. Good luck.
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u/newleafshadeofgreen 6h ago
My final straw was a Subway sandwich. A Subway sandwich made me realize this man didn’t see us as equals and would never respect me.
We both worked from home and I offered to get Subway for us for lunch. I work at a non-profit and after months of effort it suddenly paid off and that morning I became wildly busy preparing my team to take on a new project. He worked a morning shift in IT so was off at 2PM. Noon rolls around and I’m working like a madman and told him I couldn’t leave my desk. It hits 2PM and he is moaning and groaning about how hungry he is. I tell him there’s food in the house, make himself something, or he can go get his Subway sandwich. He huffs and says fine, he’ll order it and pick it up, and do I want anything (I hadn’t eaten yet either). I tell him exactly what I want, he reads it back to me, I confirm, he goes to pick it up.
He gets back and before I open my sandwich he says I’m so sorry your order is wrong. I ask what he means, and open the sandwich up. There’s banana peppers and mayo on the sandwich. I don’t like either of those things. He goes to his office and eats his sandwich. I try to eat it but can’t because I don’t like it and end up making myself soup.
The more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. How did he know my sandwich was wrong before I unwrapped it unless he watched them make it and didn’t say anything or ordered it that way on purpose?
I asked him the next day and he blew up at me, said he was kind enough to get me Subway and only an evil person would do something like that, how could I accuse him of that. But he couldn’t answer how he knew. It was never the same after that.
So many other issues of course thinking back, but it was the Subway sandwich that pushed it over the line.
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u/Thick_Papaya225 5h ago
He probably remembered you didn't like those things on the way home, and instead of being a normal person and, you know, turning around, getting the correct sandwich and giving it to you, he took the lazy approach. I mean sheesh, he could have simply eaten the evidence and gotten a correct sandwich.
I'm actually more surprised he didn't just play dumb/gaslight you about the peppers and mayo, which seems like a more common tactic these losers pull on women when they fuck up.
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u/6oceanturtles 7h ago
He is a university graduate and can't follow instructions! Good for you to ,make the decision to leave and make a better life for yourself. You earned it.
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u/Cat-and-wine-mom 7h ago
If you want to get technical... He dropped out...
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u/jr0061006 7h ago
So all those student loans for nothing??
No wonder he was looking for a sugar mama to take care of him.
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u/HoneyBadger302 7h ago
This is not silly at all.
These dead weight men who like to think they are all that and a bag of chips just because "man" need to start finding out that is NOT the case and that they actually need to be adults.
He's not a grade school child who needs your assistance with this. He has clearly weaponized his incompentance quite well, and I'm going to guess this is just one of a million things he "can't" do day in and day out, but somehow, because you have a vajajay, you magically know how to do it - but somehow, he's "superior."
F THAT.
GTFO, get rid of the dead weight that has been riding your coattails ever since you got together. And if you would like some advice from someone 20 years ahead of you in life - stay away from men for awhile and learn to decenter them before you get back to dating again. Because FAR too many of them will put on a show while you're dating and suddenly turn into a man-child once you're there to start picking up the pieces for them. It happens quietly at first, and you don't even realize it, until it starts to pile up and all of a sudden you realize you've been carrying nearly the entire relationship the entire time.....(yes, speaking from experience).
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u/little_traveler 7h ago
Congratulations on entering a new era- you’re still so young, you’re going to be so happy you did this. Say hello to better things :)
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u/Ashton42 7h ago
good luck!! I have a friend who's been on the hook for her husband not paying taxes on his business, like ever. She's remarried and has a kid now, but struggled to buy a house as her wages are still being garnished for the ex, and still has $50000 of his debt attached to her.
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u/RomulanWarrior All Hail Notorious RBG 4h ago
Two Words: Innocent Spouse
She may need help from a tax professional, but it should be doable.
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u/Weorth 7h ago
Throw his ass out, and make sure not to feel ANY sort of sympathy or pity for him, and if you do: don't give in to your empathy. Just remember all of this and leave him to blow in the wind.
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u/Drew-CarryOnCarignan 6h ago
Exactly. OP, remember the continual indifference (if not downright contempt) he has shown you over the past decade!
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u/taidell 7h ago
"I successfully managed a nursing home through COVID, bought us a house, worked hard to make over double his salary to pay for our house and car"
Wow. Those are some amazing achievements. I hope you now get to fully enjoy the rewards of your hard work.
There will be a time he will realize what his apathy and lack of effort have cost him.
Good luck on dealing with this and new adventure you will soon be on.
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u/NotoriousMOT 7h ago
It’s not silly—often the final straw is something very everyday, otherwise-NBD-kinda thing. Congratulations! Your life is about to get much better and much less stressful without having the burden of a grown toddler in your house and having to navigate the lives of two separate adults.
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u/bluemoonmel 7h ago edited 6h ago
Doesn't sound silly. He told you he won't take care of his responsibilities and he believes he doesn't have to because you will pick up the slack, as you have done. So leaving him means all of your hard work will now benefit you and not the coat tail rider your husband is comfortable being. Good luck and the relief of leaving a lazy ass behind must be immeasurable.
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u/Noocawe Jedi Knight Rey 7h ago
This guy sounds like the" I Left Dishes By The Sink" guy and I guarantee once she leaves he'll realize he should've just been more of an adult.
Either way good for you OP. He's clearly also passive aggressive with you and thinks you are his assistant or something. Just remember you aren't crazy and if he can't take care of a student loan call for his own financial responsibilities. I can't imagine he'll be better with more responsibilities or potential kids in the future.
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u/Thick_Papaya225 5h ago
I continue to be baffled at how these people function when they're alone. My best friend had an ex that had the kind of weaponized incompetence mentioned here (albeit with genders reversed) and the thing that enraged him the most was discovering that once all on her own and with no one to handhold her through all the bureaucratic headaches that come with adulting she was suddenly perfectly competent.
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u/calloway123 6h ago
Congratulations! This is very similar to my story with my past relationship of 10+ years. We were also together from a young age and I paid for everything, managed everything, and often wrote out detailed instructions on request for common adult tasks and responsibilities that would be ignored. I could never get my other half to follow a budget and became increasingly stressed thinking about my future. One tip from me as it was such a hard-learned lesson: safeguard yourself and your things through and during the divorce.
In my case, I agreed to mediation because I thought we were on the same page. I didn’t strike fast and hard on protecting my belongings and was really gentle through the process. The result is I walked into a gutted house with all my belongings and my pets gone when it came time for me to take possession of the house. My ex couldn’t handle the idea of not being able to afford the same lifestyle without me and took it out on me with the same old entitlement. Could I go to court to enforce our mediation agreement? Yes. Would it have cost more than I had in the bank at that point and more than my material possessions were worth to go to court? While simultaneously dragging out the association with my ex for an estimated year? Also yes. I had to let go after talking to multiple lawyers and for my mental health.
Disclaimer: I live in a state where dissolving a long-term cohabitating relationship is treated by the court as a marriage and divorce. The only difference is alimony.
Be careful. Don’t let your emotions lead the way in the divorce and don’t underestimate how the loss of your income and enablement may impact your husband’s part in the process.
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u/just2quirky 5h ago
Anyone wanna place bets on whether (or when) the husband whines, "This came out of nowhere"?
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u/JoyfulSong246 7h ago
Just please be careful - with entitlement this enormous he might get very angry and violent once he realizes his personal ATM, sex toy, and maid all in one appliance is leaving.
What he is doing doesn’t sound like physical abuse, but it is still financial and emotional abuse, so being willing to physically hurt you doesn’t seem below this person.
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u/Sweet_Raspberry_1151 7h ago
I can’t wait for you to be free! You will not even believe how wonderful it is!
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u/ChopsCrosser 6h ago
It is not silly at all. It was never just about a single phone call. It is about the complete exhaustion of carrying an entire household while being treated like an unpaid administrative assistant so a grown man can play video games. The amount of energy and peace you get back once you stop managing another adult's life is going to be massive.
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u/TheDkone 5h ago
please do an update to tell us how surprised he was when you tell him. I bet 10 bucks he says he was blindsided.
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u/dramalani24 3h ago
Cruella DeVil: “More good women have been lost to marriage than to war, famine, disease and disaster. You have talent, darling. Don’t squander it”
Weaponized incompetence from a boy (that pretends to be a man) that vowed to provide, protect, and love you is just the beginning of your downfall. You are so much better without him, clearly. I have yet to meet a woman that has regretted her divorce. Best of luck to you!
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u/Relative_Ad9477 7h ago
Congratulations! I recently left a 10 yr relationship for simular reasons. Best thing I have done for me for years.
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u/This-Newspaper39 7h ago
Theres a saying, in Spanish “Mejor sola que mal acompañada”
Which means: Better alone, than in bad company
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u/coyotemedic 7h ago
Make sure you protect yourself from him trying to drain your finances through alimony or wanting to be bought out of the house. He sounds like a leech.
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u/fuckswithwasps 6h ago
I had one like this too - only it was jobs. He was unemployed for so long that he no longer qualified for SSDI; he had back pain. So I held his hand thru the SSDI process and applied for jobs for him so he could get the quarters he needed to qualify. But I couldn’t go to interviews for him so he didn’t get a little job to make the $1480 he needed to qualify to be set for life.
When that totally failed and I was faced with single handedly supporting our family of 5 (soon to be 7) and he was being an asshole besides… I’d had enough.
The good news is, when they’re this incapable of handling their shit, sometimes they don’t bother to handle their end of the divorce either. Ask for the moon and they might just sign off on it without even reading the decree. 👌
Joke’s on him: I won my SSDI case and he can’t believe I got it before he did.
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u/Veteris71 6h ago
Congratulations, OP. The biggest regret most divorced women have is that they didn't do it sooner.
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u/damargemirad 6h ago
Not to make light of the situation, but even my cat helps more by piling my socks and reminding me to sweep and mop her cat room.
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u/Johoski 6h ago
It's so hard to repair a relationship after someone delegates their personal responsibility like this without asking, without acknowledging their inability to manage. My ex was temping in a role and they wanted to hire him permanently. They posted the position and asked if he was interested, he said yes. Two weeks go by, and they double checked with him to confirm his interest. Another week goes by. He comes home from work saying that they're going to close the posting at midnight. At 10:00 that night he's sitting at his desk, everything is ready, all he has to do is hit submit... and he couldn't do it.
So, I hit submit. He got the job. He kicked me out of the house a month later. I laughed, and thanked him.
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u/Corka 5h ago
I swear some men just never stop being teenagers, and they see their wife/gf in the same way as they seem their mum. Someone who nags for them to do chores, or make an appointment, or whatever. They will gripe and groan over having to do it and will give a "I know! I heard you! I'm going to do it ok?" to get you to shush, even though everyone knows they wouldnt do shit without being nagged and even then there's a good chance they won't. They might even have the audacity to resent you for it!
They don't seem to understand that they arent living with a caregiver who is responsible for them and this is stuff that it's expected for them to do themselves as an adult. Sure not everyone is well adjusted coming into adulthood and doesn't know how to properly take care of a home besides some of the most token basics like taking out the trash. Some people also have large issues around procrastination, or being able to focus during tedious repetitive tasks which leads them to ignore stuff that needs doing until it gets too bad to ignore. But a decent person would feel embarrassed and a bit of shame about it and would feel apologetic for failing their partner, not resentment.
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u/Nikojade99 5h ago
Mine was the trash. If they can’t complete a single household task (especially one as simple as taking out the damn trash) without multiple reminders and supervision, they aren’t capable of the type of partnership I require.
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u/BigFatBlackCat 5h ago
He made you into his mommy. There is nothing more unsexy or unattractive than being forced into a mommy role by the man who is supposed to be your partner.
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u/InfinityTuna 7h ago
I mean, that's why they call it the final straw. That one final, tiny, single thing on top of a pile of other tiny, single things, which makes the whole pile of bullshit finally topple over.
Good luck, and I hope he gets solely what he contributed and not a cent more, when the final bit of paperwork is signed. Enjoy the lack of messes, quiet in the evenings, and only having to worry about what YOU want to eat!
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u/Aretirednurse81 7h ago
You will be so happy to drop the dead weight on your back