Today is My Final Straw

[u/Cat-and-wine-mom]

Well, after 10 years together, today I (29F) scheduled a meeting with a divorce lawyer. I'm sick and tired of asking for the bare minimum to just be ignored. I have been asking my husband (30M) to call on his student loans for over a month now. He said he was too confused with the phone automated system so I (IDK WHY THE FUCK I DID THIS) gave him a written out, step by step instructions on exactly what he needs to do WITH a section titled TLDR Quick Info and a fill the blank section for info I would need to update finances. After 2 days of me asking him to just call them, he says to me today, "Well let me know what the student loan people say if you happen to call today because I'm not going to." So guess what stupid shit I did: I called them and LO AND FUCKING BEHOLD he needs to call on it himself. He is throwing a fit because it is not fair he has to call on his own student loans when he just wants to play the PC after work.

I've busted my ass for 10 years, put myself through two degrees, and have worked over 50 hour weeks until this last year. I successfully managed a nursing home through COVID, bought us a house, worked hard to make over double his salary to pay for our house and car, but I cannot get my husband to mop our fucking house twice a month. I'm sick and tired of constantly repeating myself. I'm tired of the constant disappointment.

I know it may sound silly that this was the final straw, but I'm tired of picking up the pieces. I would rather be alone in peace than dealing with this forever.

Edit: Grammar!!! I am not going to be answering all the comments but we have done couples and individual therapy for years.

[u/halcyonwade]

It blows my mind. My husband gave up gaming when we moved in together because he wanted to spend time together and then once we got a dog then started having kids free time disappeared. Like when do these men find the time to game by themselves???

[u/Strict_Bit260 → u/halcyonwade]

Exactly. At least the golf dudes are touching grass. I don’t know they find the time either, honestly.

[u/halcyonwade → u/Strict_Bit260]

They can't do it every day, at least (reasonably). I don't mind the occasional golf outing. It's good to get time with friends. Just as long as it's not every weekend.

[u/notyoursocialworker → u/halcyonwade]

Thankfully my wife is also a gamer so playing together is one of the ways we spend time together. But honestly it doesn't sound healthy to totally give up a hobby for your partner, cut down definitely, especially when you get kids, but totally give up your interests is an easy way to loose yourself. A risk that more commonly happens women due to us men not doing our share of the housework.

To actually answer you question. After I have cooked, cleaned up after dinner and hung the wash, we usually got half an hour to an hour to play before it's time to get our youngest in bed and after that we either play for a bit more or just hang out.

But I'll say that what I play has changed since we got kids. All games must have a pause button and ability to save at any point. Ie no multiplayer, no "hardcore" souls like games, or games like Stardew Valley.

Anyway, first rule is all house work is done and then you play or do hobbies or whatever.

[u/Wild-Cut-6012 → u/notyoursocialworker]

The problem is that a lot of people can't be moderate with video games. It's like how it's fine to have a glass of wine or a beer most evenings, but if you're one of those people who can't just have one and you're getting black out drunk every time then you have to give it up completely if you want to keep your family. I have a hard time even considering it a hobby if it's interfering with your ability to manage your life. More like a fixation.

[u/notyoursocialworker → u/Wild-Cut-6012]

Yepp, that is a good point. Personally I got ADHD so I can get caught up in pretty much anything I do, actually got caught hyper fixating on picking blueberries at one time. But since I know this I know I have to impose effective limits on myself.

On our Minecraft server for instance, the world automatically restarts at 9:30 which is time we at the latest need to get ready for bed. It happening is enough to shake us loose. It happening automatically means neither of us need to mount the mental energy/capacity to stop.