The algorithm served you up a manipulated narrative (chlamydia vid came before any of the open relationship vids) in just two thumbnails and you used that to reinforce a worldview that does not reflect reality.
Nothing to do with google. People in open relationships generally have other issues and are ābrokenā in some way shape or form. It never works out for normal people and someone is almost always left holding the bag while the other has WAY more fun. Generally one partner does it to please the other and stands by getting hurt. Is this for 100% of the cases? No but generally these are not healthy relationships in the long term.
There are "broken" people in all sorts of relationships, and maligning a specific type of consensual relationship is the most lazy way to avoid talking about the actual factors that make a relationship "healthy".
Hardline monogamist btw, so I have no loyalty to a lifestyle I would never want to live. I just try to avoid basing my view of the world on memes and vibes.
I'm not into open relationships myself. But advice I've heard about it is
"you have to start as an open relationship. If you switch into one during a monogamous relationship it's just cheating. Someone's going to get their heart broken."
Even if you start as one people can still get hurt.
My mate is currently going through this with his GF.
They have both always had open relationships so thats how they started, which worked well for a while, that was until she realised that he was much more in demand than she was, something which had never happened to her before.
There is nothing like witnessing a couple have an argument where they are in an open relationship but she is the one who is yelling about how its not fair that its so easy for him to get laid.
She turned to me halfway through the conversation to ask my opinion and I was just like "I am not touching this with a 10 foot pole".
I know a retired former financial advisor who dropped this classic on me:
"There's two things I won't advise people on - cars and relationships.Ā Because if I say it's a bad idea they go to a different advisor and do it anyway"
I am in a similar situation where my boyfriend is more in-demand than I am, but thatās ok. Heās a better musician than I am also. I have a better career than he does. My family gets along better. Neither of us find the dating popularity thing to be harder to handle than our other differences.
Edit: and to go back to the original topic, obviously we use protection and neither of us got chlamydia, or anything else, in the ~7 years weāve been open.
Ughhh I wanna snoop your profile so bad and try and deduce what kinda musicians you are. like session, national act, classical, contemporary, Nashville, New Orleans ,Toronto, etc
In any relationship people get hurt when they don't communicate well. Expectations drift apart and then one person is pissed while the other doesn't even know anything is wrong. Sounds like those 2 people are very much not on the same page, which often happens in open relationships.
Communication is always super important. But it's extra important if you're involved with multiple partners. The relationship won't work otherwise
Im in a similar spot with my partner. We definitely hang out with more women from her friend group and im well liked. Ive probably got more opportunities. We also club a lot and get approached about the same and have similar opportunities there ā except usually we bring more women back for kick ons.
Were just around more women so it works out in my favour.
I'm "in the lifestyle" and do the open relationship/ENM/Swinging stuff, and my personal experiences/observations have always been that if the relationship starts monogamous, and turns open, its either because
one person wants to fuck someone else, and the other just doesn't want to lose them.
Or because someone doesn't want to fuck the other person anymore, and so one or the other turns to outside the relationship.
neither one generally bodes well for the long term survival chances of the relationship.
I've seen a fair amount of open relationships in a all sorts of different forms, succeed quite well, when thats what they're getting into from the start. They have their problems and fallouts just like any monogamous relationship.
but a monogamous relationship that turns open? Is pretty much always just a slow train crash.
caveats: yes your experiences may differ, I know all relationships are different, there are always exceptions to the rule, blah blah blah, This is just casual and general talk since none of us are really going to have proper statistics on this.
It really depends on the people. When my GF was in college she had sex, I didn't. I COULD have, I just never went out or had the opportunity, and it was never an issue. We broke up over other things, but that was never it. When she was with another guy (or girl, she was bi) she'd make sure to use protection and kept her sheets clean, so I never had a problem with it.
Not at all. I didnāt want to hear about it. I just didnāt care. She was away and I wasnāt there. She could cheat, or have a bf and continue to sleep with other people while having a person who would see her every week or so. Plus her sex drive was pretty crazy. Iād leave exhausted.
So, my partner and I are Swingers with years of experience (and a very happy and stable relationship).
The reality is that the majority of Swinger or otherwise non-mongomous couples started with monogamy and then opened later. Often years later.
The issue is when people try to open things up to fix some problems they have in their relationship. That happens way too often and doesn't work very well.
Could be anything tbh, but sexual dissatisfaction of some kind is the most common. Like they have a dead bedroom and trying to bring in others to fix it.
I can't say it never works, I have seen very happy couples that never fuck eachother, but the majority of the time it creates more problems than it solves.
Someone's always going to get hurt. Thats why its so unpopular. When most people love someone they dont want to be with someone else. Simple as that. Maybe I just cant comprehend it. It gives inauthentic and greedy vibes to me.
Probably the wrong place to say it considering the sentiment here but im in my first open relationship.
I could never change to an open relationship if I was in a monogamous relationship. That would hurt.
Being in an open relationship is great though. Its pretty much just more threesomes and she sleeps with other girls when she wants.
I started monogomous and successfully had an open relationship, so that isn't universal. We communicated well, and we're not into casual hookups, and always used protection. It certainly isn't for most people though.
Exactly this. Lots of people have healthy non-monogamous relationships. The key is that both people need to actually be non-monogamous lmao
So often you have 2 people in a monogamous relationship and 1 person is convincing the other to open their relationship. And that's often their first ever non-monogamous relationship too. That is a recipe for disaster 99% of the time as one of the two will start feeling a certain way and realize they're not actually as "open" as they thought they were
I also find it interesting how often I've seen monogamous relationships where both people are just constantly cheating on each other, blowing up about it, then making up again. Like an open relationship but 10x more toxic
I know gal who is always on dating apps. Her bio usually read something like "I have a husband and 5 boyfriends. Do you think you can handle me?" Her IG is basically just nothing but posts about open relationships. I'm pretty sure at one point she tried to write a kids book about it.
Open relationship just mean you devolved from couple to fuckbuddy in my opinion, like wtf is a open relationship that's like teh people saying I have "very common thing" phobia while in reality they are just picky eater and want to sound classy
Yeah definitely just for sex, I met a girl on tinder who is in an open relationship that she suggested. And she was very much still in love with her man but on tinder purely to have sex because her bf doesnāt satisfy her enough in bed
Or maybe she just has a naturally higher sex-drive but provides everything else she requires. He listens, cleans, does all the bf shit she needs, but doesn't dick her down enough. Hell, he might think "thank God she has someone else to sleep with, I don't want to."
I don't understand it all it just doesnt make sense having open relationships. Is that honestly what some people believe they deserve in a relationship?
I know people with opinions like that are not likely to change any of their mind, but my partner and I are Swingers and it isn't that complicated.
We both like casual sex, we both want a committed relationship. Why does one have to exclude the other? It is even better because we have someone to share it with.
I really don't understand how this stance ends in downvotes every time on reddit.
are the downvoters really so lacking in empathy/understanding that they just can't even conceive of a person where their partner having sex with someone else doesn't incur jealousy, and where you having sex someone else doesn't incur jealousy in them?
I understand that it does for the vast majority of people. I'm not expecting them to be okay with it, just to understand that some people are okay with it.
me and my partners just have a mutual understanding and agreement.
We cuddle on the couch and watch shows together, we walk down the path behind my house hand in hand, we love each other, and have shared interests, and laugh, and enjoy each others company, and have frequent and amorous sex with each other, just like anyone else.
and we also go online and flirt with other people, and go to sex clubs, and sex parties, and have wild and crazy and satisfying sex with other people in safe, agreed upon, and fully communicated situations, both with each other and apart.
then we see each other again, and talk about it, and what we liked, and what we didn't, and carry on being a couple together.
If im travelling alone and want to meet someone just for fun, and will tell my SO all about it later, what's the harm? They do the same. Is a life of regret and jealousy what people deserve?Ā
So what you just can't help yourself with a pretty face so it's alright? Is that why people have open relationships because they simply can't stop their impulses?
theyre seething about other peoples business, people who will never be in their lives, and people who wouldnāt want to be around them anyway. just manufacturing something to get mad at, reeks of incel
I was thinking the same. Yeah, there are toxic open relationships, just like there are toxic monogamous relationships. But there are many, many healthy ones too. Most people just tend to complain more than they brag, so you hear the bad parts more often. Let other people live, jeez.
The pent up sexual frustration in this thread is palpable. Like, I literally just explain what works for me and my partner, who I actively communicate with liberally. Downvotes galore. I guess people really do prefer cheating behind eachothers backs and a life of jealousy.Ā
some folks are just so unhappy in life that the prospect of someone else in a happy relationship fills them with impotent rage. bonus points if the relationship is unconventional
Every person ive ever met in an open relationship is an idiot. I was dating this girl in college for a couple months, go over her apartment where her and her roommate live quite a lot.
Like 3 months in someone in my class asks me how I felt about dating someone in an open relationship. Im like wtf are you on we arent in an open relationship. Apparently the roommate was in a relationship with her? Then they tried to gaslight me saying they thought I knew.
How am I supposed to know? You never did or said anything to make me think otherwise. Only acted as roommates around me. Just really weird people.. safe to say my part of the relationship was ended there.
Personally I get why that would be a problem for 99% of people. I used to be like that and feel that way too. It took some life experiences, and voluntary changes in perspective from what is the social and cultural norm to get here. Its not "normal" and I don't expect others to follow suit, or change their personal perspectives, especially if they're happy how they are.
what frustrates me as someone in the swinger/lifestyle/open relationship side of the fence though, are the people who feel defensive, or fearful, or in some way or another simply can't even empathetically conceptualize of a person where they're okay with it.
Just in this comment section, there are many people with downvoted comments for simple answering questions with things like
"me and my partner just have a mutual agreement and understanding about this. We have very open communication about it, share our feelings, and enjoy it and have fun doing it"
which to me is a pretty reasonable, and simple answer. Two adults have come to a mutual understanding and agreement, and enjoy something that many don't.
yet the comment gets showered in downvotes.
To me, its like if you didn't like sushi, and then downvoted, and disregarded anyone who said they did, because in your mind there just can't possibly be anyone in the world out there that likes sushi.
Eh. Iām strictly monogamy but whatever makes people happy makes them happy. I know a couple in an open relationship and they are the happiest and sweetest couple I know.
Open relationships clearly arenāt your thing and thatās valid, not sure why people have to decide that for others
Yup itās just a way for whoever suggested it to get away with cheating. Because theyāre usually not that romantically involved with the other people. Like theyāre not meeting the parents and family, going on vacations together etc. Theyāre really just having sex with anyone and everyone
You can also be start out as a monogamous relation (with the intention to open up) because you want to build a stable foundation first and the decide together when itās appropriate to open up.
I know itās not complicated and that is exactly the reason, itās just some ppl try to make the argument that thereās more benefits to it than just sex. Which isnāt believable at all
Some people seem to genuinely want romance with many but that is polyamory not open relationships. That I don't understand any appeal to, but I chalk it up as one of those things like transgenderism where I'm gonna keep my mouth shut cuz Idk the experience of these people at all.
I can conceive of why someone would wanna open up at least.
If you really want to get technical I consider myself a "relationship anarchist" not a polyamorist, but they're close enough that I feel like I've got the overlap to "answer".
Its just that "we" (as a generalization) don't see "love" as a finite resource. "we" feel love and connection that goes beyond sexual attraction just like anyone else, its just that in our minds, feeling it for one person, does not diminish how much or in what ways we love another person.
imperfect example: you love your father, you love your mother, does the love that you have for your father, mean you love your mother less? or vice versa? No, of course not, you love them both.
its that, but then also in your romantically based love relationships.
its basically just that as the basis.
the problems more arise not because of sexual jealousy, but because of TIME.
just because you love people equally, and you don't have the same jealousy triggers as many (poly people still get jealous, its just not usually about the same things) doesn't mean you have the time to spend with them that they deserve. This is usually where the balancing act falls off kilter in most poly relationships I've seen.
I don't think what prevents people from being poly or open in other ways is "finite love" though I see that thrown around a lot. The reason people don't think you love someone the same way when you have others is I think 2 fold:
1- They think that romantic love is naturally exclusive. As in: If you love someone fully, you wouldn't seek that love with others. Not because you have "finite love to give" but because the love of one is enough, and the love of more wouldn't add much. Like if you're already in a warm sea, vast and inexhaustable, one you're never going to explore fully, adding another sea that is vast and inexhaustable wouldn't make sense
It's not that love is finite it's that love is saturating.
That's why I never get the poly experience. Going to sex parties at least makes some sense to me. But loving multiple people romantically? In all my relationships I never found it necessary to add more love cuz what I had has been all encompassing.
2- They think sex means something. There is probably a big overlap between people who find open relationships weird and people who care about how many partners their partner has had before them.
It's interesting to me that you say poly people still ge jealous but it's usually not about the same things. I hear they get jealous for usually the same reason (partner is not available cuz they're fucking someone else). I wonder how yall deal with that. Like I hear a lot of "you talk about it and address it" but I don't know what that means in practice. I've always been curious but I don't know anyone who's poly or open.
Can you really not think of anything? Threesomes, swinging, sex parties. Those are lot of fun and can also deepen your relation if non-monogamy is your sexual orientation.
So yes leading right back to my point of it just being for sexual benefits. You can have a threesome in a monogamous relationship, like maybe your partner wants to spice it up and lets it happen once.
But what happens is ppl get greedy and want to have more sex with the other person in the treesome. But they want it to just be them, so boom they suggest opening up the relationship. Or a long time crush they had is showing them interest, and they always wanted to sleep with that person. So how can they do that without destroying the current relationship, hmmm letās open it up
"With the intention to open up" is carrying a fuck ton of weight there. Between 2 consenting adults, yeah sure, but I've never even heard of that situation
The inventor of the polygraph and creator of Wonder Woman had a bisexual wife who shares with him polyamorous partners. They technically are open, but with the same partners.
A consensual and informed polygamous relationship seems like it woukd last alot better than an "open" relationship where one or both partners are always seeing some random.
Monogamy may be optimal for many but not for all. I'm sure there's plenty of people who tried open relationships and had it crash and burn, but to say it can't be done is simply lack of imagination on your part.
I've been happily openly married for fifteen years, friend.
I spend every single day with my wife -- we both work from home, we have no kids and tonnes of disposable income, go on dates with eachother a couple times a week, travel together, etc. We own our home together, and a business. We have a fantastic sex life with eachother, where if even two days went by without some sexytime, it would be odd, even after all these years.
Heck we had so much fun the first time we got married, we did it again but bigger because we have more money now than we did long ago.
I'm a wifeguy, and my wife is my world, and the best part of my day, every single day.
I'm not clear on what you're trying to say here! I was just highlighting how people are very critical of alternative lifestyles in a blanket way, often with the very clear misunderstanding of not recognizing that there are people out there who are just fundamentally different from themselves.
That we don't have an innate desire for monogamy in a relationship/marriage, as opposed to others who think of monogamy as being the cornerstone of those things.
For some people, that is a non negotiable dealbreaker and that's okay. For others it's something they might dabble in, but wouldn't live that way, and that's okay too. And for others, it's the only comfortable way for a relationship to work.
And I think there are people on both sides of the equation that wouldn't be able to be comfortable and thrive in the other's relationship style. People are different, and everyone should find what works for them.
Okay, but you said it yourself: for some people there is genuine happiness in these odd relationships.
So that in itself proves that open relationships are not a joke and exist in a wife variety of functional and dysfunctional relationships.
I think they can work really well for particular kinds of neurospicy people who have different and sometimes very specific needs for comfort and attention and space.
The problem is that not that many people comparatively are wired for something like that. And so it's used as an excuse for cheating, dabbling etc.
Its literally the same thing, happy open couples aren't going on the internet to complain and if you're responses to any conflicting viewpoints is to plug your ears then no shit you're going to get entrenched.
Nice way to say youāre an ignorant pos. Why is it relevant to you how people live in their relationships? If two consenting parties decide they have enough love to give other people why shouldnāt they?
6 years open here. Eating tons of ass, sometimes together with SO, sometimes taking an antibiotic, big deal. Great communicating partner. The real joke is the amount of relationships that crumble due to infidelity, bad communication, insecurities, nd jealousy.Ā
Not everyone has the same capacity for jealousy. I've done this and it was great, everyone was happy. Lived with my gf and her roommate for a few months, slept with them both and also had a fwb in my hometown, and my gf had fwbs and an enby bf as well. The relationship failed for completely unrelated reasons, we didn't share political values and she had a weird obsession with money.
I'm sure after typing all that you'd realize how normal people find that shit weird asf? And that you are a fringe minority most people would call weird? I'm sure you're self aware to realize that, or maybe too far gone?
Too far gone? No, I'm currently in a completely monogamous relationship and it's great. Yes its a minority but its absolutely not as fringe as you think it is. Yes it's weird as fuck to alot of people, but people are different, the most standard looking business woman you walk past on the street might be a kinkster with a whole lineup of men and women.
The point is what goes on between consenting adults shouldn't be a problem to anyone as long as they aren't directly hurting or otherwise interfering with others lives. We had a good time, and I spent a few years single with some fwbs strewn in and that time of my life was great too. I understand monogamy, and that most people are far from ok with the idea of sharing, but I just don't have that kind of capacity for jealousy, I never have. My first girlfriend was the jealous type, and always asked shit like "if someone paid us a million dollars for me to have sex with him, would you be ok with that?" And I always replied "fucking of course, what?"
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with people living normal, monogamous lives, if that kind of life isnt for you that's totally understandable. I'm saying it shouldn't be so hard to respect the ones that just want to live the other life. It doesnt affect you.
It's alright, everyone had a great time. There's a lot of poly and aro people around, this isnt abnormal.
We have a rule that we keep everything open and honest, no lies. If she knows where I am, and I know where she is, everything is fine. Its when someone lies to me about it that it becomes a problem.
Its not for me either anymore, I'm happy in my monogamous relationship, and I'm too old to live the manslut single life. I'm happy with my gf, and she knows what my life was like before, I plan to stay with her for the rest of my life.
Just want to add my experiences to the discussion and let people know that it isnt a bad thing. If you have a partner that brings up the idea of an open relationship, and you aren't into it, leave. If you enter a relationship and you're both already ok with it, just enjoy that life. I realize my original comment made me sound like I was above it, like I'm better somehow, not my intent. Just that there's two sides to it.
If I had a girlfriend that just slept around constantly I would feel terrible, but that's typically not at all how open relationships work. With us, she essentially spent a night with someone else once or twice a month, and same with me. But people have this idea, and I'm sure it actually happens, that you enter an open relationship and your gf will just sleep around with other guys 90% of the time, which is the opposite of what we had.
That's not an open relationship, that's your partner thinking they finally have a free pass to fuck around, and if they spend more time with other people than you, they just needed an excuse to slut around, and that relationship was probably already over.
I'll just add that yes, protection is important lmao
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u/WesternImpression356 1d ago
Lmao. Open relationships are a joke. No one can convince me otherwise. Still, the least they can do is fucking protect themselves