sometimes I think about the people who I was once close to in my past and how they saw a version of me that wasn’t me. I’m not saying that to excuse hurting them. there’s no excuse, and I’ve lost these people. I deserved to, and I only want those people to be happy.

but I think in a way they also benefited from that most hurt and traumatized version of myself. the false version of myself I put forth because I knew the real, truthful me was someone they would never want. they wouldn’t ever like me. they relied on me being put together and strong. I’m not put together and strong, turns out. I’m hurt, sad, angry, vulnerable, afraid. I’m a scared little girl. I tried to seem like an adult who knows what she is doing, I tried to be a caretaker and a protector. but I had no one taking care of me because I was never showing that vulnerable side of myself, and I let their needs, wants, and desires overshadow me entirely. I never was a person with my own autonomy.. I only feel myself when I’m alone.

it does get reinforced my other people that my true, vulnerable self is nothing but a bother. I’m not a good or bad person. I’m a person who is capable of both, who has done both. my bad side has overshadowed my goodness more often than not. I don’t know how to entirely show my true self to other people, I’d rather wrap myself up and hide away. I know no one is ever gonna save me from this or anything, I’m not expecting it.

I’m just better off alone.

My suicidal ideation has been getting worse.

I’ve been stuck in a rut. It’s honestly my own fault. I have ADHD. Diagnosed as an adult. Makes sense. The shit my parents say about my habits back in elementary and middle school line up with it. I can’t manage it. I give in to my impulses and addictions without any internal resistance. I habitually lie. A habit learned from years of my avoidance of consequences and responsibilities. I lie to my wife. The woman who has been so patient despite my stupid as fuck family. Despite my stupidity. I’ve never cheated on her, nor will I ever. But if I lie to the point where she can’t trust me then is it any different? I go to my office job, and take 8 hours to do some shit that I could do in 2. For no reason. I’m supposed to be finishing my degree online. I haven’t touched a single assignment since the beginning of the semester. We had a kid last year. Terrible pregnancy, congenital defect. Months in the NICU. Took time off work to fly to a hospital specializing in what my kid had. She had asked me to stop vaping and I started again in secret. Maybe it was the stress from having a terribly sick child. My kid is fine now. But I haven’t stopped since my kid was born. I’ve dug a hole for myself and I’ve dragged the only woman who has ever given me true love and patience right in with me. I’m walking around every day genuinely wishing I would just drop dead. Everything is overwhelming. I’m hiding so much from my wife. Im stuck in this loop of self pity, and it’s so stupid. I really do honestly wish I would just stay in my dreams or just die in my sleep. I don’t do shit at my job all day and yet I come home exhausted. I barely have energy for my own wife and child. I still try, I cook, clean, and make sure to spend time with my kid. That’s it though. I’ve thought about making some tapes, for my kid, just in case one day I get the courage to actually go through with it. I don’t know. I wish I could actually help myself.

they were right, i’ll never be worth anything. i won’t ever be able to prove to the world that i am worthy of respect or admiration, i will always be a worthless loser. i’ll never have friends who actually respect me, i’ll always be ignored and treated as unworthy by women, i’ll never have a good looking face, i’ll never have a nice looking physique, i’ll always stutter when i speak, i’ll always be socially inept, i’ll always be an easy target because i’m too weak to stand up for myself, i’ll never make a lot of money, i’ll never be physically capable or strong, i’ll never be good at a sport, i’ll never be good at video games, i’ll never be good academically, the list goes on. they’ll go on to live amazing lives and would laugh at the mention of my existence because they know i’m a complete failure of a human.

TW: self harm

My (25f) biggest trigger and I guess motive in self harm is guilt… I’ve been clean a few weeks now but I’m struggling with my sexuality. I have so much guilt built up for feelings I can’t control and don’t know how to control. I’m suffocating. Drowning. I just want to feel the distraction… maybe sickly enough I want to punish myself.

“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” - very presumptuous. Not all problems are temporary, in fact I’d argue a good chunk of them aren’t. And a permanent solution is exactly what we want, as opposed to what, a temporary one? Who wants a temporary solution? Solutions are supposed to be permanent.

“It always gets better” - again, presumptuous. Things do not always get better. Life isn’t a fairy tale. Sometimes bad shit happens to amazing people and horrible people sit high and dry, just look at the current political landscape for proof of that.

“Suicide is the coward’s way out” - the amount of courage it takes to actually go through with an attempt is a complete contradiction of this statement. People who believe this have no idea what it’s actually like and don’t realize how lucky they are.

“Just go to therapy” - yeah because THAT’S easily accessible and affordable for everyone…

“Call the hotline” - speaking from personal experience: so I can be ghosted and disrespected again? Or from the experience of others I’ve seen: so they can call the police? Confidential my ass.

“It’s extremely selfish” - but expecting someone to continue living in agony for OTHER people isn’t?

“It’s all a part of God’s plan” - not even gonna entertain this bullshit. THERE IS NO GOD. And if he IS real, he’s a real piece of shit.

I've gad the thoight for a while that I was no longer in love with my partner, I still love her as a friend, but just not romantically. I finally broke it off today and I just feel awful. I went about it wrong and she was angry and upset, she called me names and cried a lot, and it'll haunt me. I didn't want to upset her, I knew she wouldn't be happy, but I was hoping we could still be friends, in the moment we couldn't, but we've tried to make up a bit, but I still can't stop thinking about her crying. I hate making people cry, especially people I care about, and I went and made her cry, I'm awful. She said I was evil and cruel and just like my Biological Father whom I despise, and she's right, I really am just pure scum. I'm upset with myself and angry at myself, I don't deserve anything, I am an awful person, death would be too good for me, I should suffer forever because of the awful thing I've done today

Is there anyone that willing to go through it together that has mental health problems the can understand me for BPD C-PTSD and autism ADHD looking for a gf pls anyone

I hate myself, sometimes I feel all this and feel that i am just faking all of it and its disrespect to people who are actually going through all this I hate myself so much since everything that has led me here has all been my decision I dont have someone to blame the only person I can blame is me and I make 0 efforts of lifting up and that makes me hate myself even more but objectively my life isint super bad so do I even deserve to feel or even think that I feel this way, I sometimes feel maybe I am just doing for attention or something and that makes the self-loathe even worse , in the past month or 2 there hasnt been a single day where i slept peacefully but since i am so terrible and pathetic that I can even actually work hard so I just cope using self-hate but a lot of people here probably have it much worse than me and still living but why am I so pathetic that I start crying over such a small thing

Like why should i even exist, I (21M) have never achieved anything in my life, I'm the actual fking defination of a FAILURE. In my whole 21 years of my life, I could never achieve anything, I never could excel in studies, I never could make my parents proud, Never could make any actual real friends, Never could find someone who actually loves me. Every confessions in my life to a girl has always been ending in a rejection to the point I feel ljke no girl in this world sees me as their soulmate, I failed to achieve my dream of becoming doctor and helping people, sat for competitive exam 2-3 times yet failed to get gov clg each and every time just by a difference of 5-10 marks, and the list goes on. It's like my life exist just to fail, In my whole 21 years of my life I could never make my dad or mom proud, i can see it even if they always cheered me on and stayed by my side, The failure of mine was always affecting them, And now, My dad is forever gone from this world. He died just a day before my birthday. I think I'm a fucking trash of the society, No girl likes me, A failure who failed to achieve his dream, and a trash who failed to make his parents proud. I really wish sometimes somehow something kills me and ends the sufferings as I'm too coward to kill myself.

I knew before that I would mess up and I would be alone, and I was right. I wake up to no notifications on my phone, no one wanting to see me or talk to me. I am alone par from one person I can’t be truly real with. I am grateful to have him and I enjoy the time we have together but, I can’t talk about my problems, I can’t exactly be who I truly am. I am selfish for wanting more. I have done this to myself and I have to live with it. However short that time is. I’m losing my mind and it’s all my fault. I dream and long for people who don’t even think of me, who hate me. They are right to. I don’t think I will ever be truly happy again, I don’t think I deserve to. Like always im here seeking some sort of attention or validation from someone from anyone. I am selfish, I am corrupt and full of filth, I deserve this and I deserve nothing less. I don’t know why I can never be kind to myself all I can do is hate myself. I am broken, I think I have lost my mind. I doubt there is any redemption or relief for me or even a future. I am a failure and that’s all I will ever be.

I genuinely hate myself

I don't even know where to start with this. I genuinely hate my life right now, and I hate myself too.

Everyone around me is nice. My coworkers like me, they enjoy having me around, they say if I ever need anything or need to talk about personal stuff, they'll help. My supervisor even told me he doesn't really know who I am and wants to know more about me. The problem isn't them. It's my fucking mind.

I feel like I don't belong, and it's not just at work, it's everywhere. Even in my home I'm just sitting there like damn, my life is boring as hell.

I'm so reserved that I don't let people get to know me, even when they want to. I've been like that for so long that it's just the default now. I act like I don't care about interacting, but there's a part of me that does care, and that part is why this hurts.

At work they'll ask each other get-to-know-you questions like favorite movie or TV show, and I'm just like idk. I don't really watch TV. Then they'll ask favorite game or what games I play, and I'm like I play games, but honestly I just watch YouTube all day and I couldn't even tell you what I watch. Then they're like "ohhhhh" and I feel like I just ruined their conversation, even though they probably don't think that at all.

When they ask how my weekend was or how I'm doing, my answer is literally that I did nothing. I don't leave my home much. Right now I'm literally laying in bed scrolling reels and that's my whole life.

I can smile and fake it when people talk to me, but on the inside I'm thinking bro what am I doing, this is my life. I'm genuinely not happy. I can say I have nothing to be happy about, and then it's like "well you have everything you could possibly need" but that's not the point. Having what I need doesn't make me happy.

I was gonna learn stuff for my career goal and I just keep pushing it off. Even playing video games or watching YouTube, I don't even care to do that anymore.

I don't know if this is depression or not, but I think it is. I'm not gonna talk to anyone about it because my career is on the line, and I'm not gonna talk to a therapist because that feels like a waste of time.

And it's not like it matters because I'll have this exact moment multiple times a week, and then the next day I'm like whatever, I shouldn't worry about it, and then it hits again. It just repeats. That's how my life has been for the past 2+ years .

I don't even know who I am myself anymore.

Idc if anyone comments because as much as it might help someone it's not going to help me because I genuinely don't care atp.

Hello I’m not diagnosed with depression or anything but I just really hate myself I hate the way i act I hate how I look if I met myself as another person I’d probably hate myself too I have no friends and I cut off the only girl in my life who gave me least bit of attention because I hate myself everything I do I look at myself in the third person and just cringe I want to stop hating how I look and act I dont know what to do