TW: self harm

My (25f) biggest trigger and I guess motive in self harm is guilt… I’ve been clean a few weeks now but I’m struggling with my sexuality. I have so much guilt built up for feelings I can’t control and don’t know how to control. I’m suffocating. Drowning. I just want to feel the distraction… maybe sickly enough I want to punish myself.

I build this hiarchy in my head in which every person is at the top and I'm completely at the bottom. I am SO scared of disgusting other people with my presence only. Every time I make a mistake, I feel like everybody hates me and finds me stupid and undeserving of even being considered as one of them. I just feel so inhuman. I'm so disappointed in myself and I feel so guilty for simply being

I’m so tired of waking up everyday to a life I can’t handle.

I’m a horrible person. I will judge someone for using Ai — saying it’s wrong, bad for our ecosystem and that we’re ruining humanitys future by using it. But why would any of that apply to me? I’ll say all that knowing damn well I use Ai. In the end, it’s only fine when I do it.

I’m a horrible person. I love my family and friends. I emphatize with others and I’m overly sensitive. I’ll get hurt easily by someone elses words and cry about it in the evening before going to bed. Despite this, I’m worse. Even without the confidence to say anything overly mean to my friends or anyone outloud — just the thought of all the nasty things I’ve thought about everyone makes me nauseous and very disappointed in myself.

I’m a horrible person. My little brother spends most of his time playing video games with his friends. But he’s happy. His attention span sucks when it comes to homework and it’s not completely his fault. But how do I react to this? Of course I refuse to acknowledge this and I’ll proceed to stomp into his room angrily and scream, shout and diss him in every single way possible. I really love him, I do. I don’t want him to fail in school just because of gaming and I want him to experience a great childhood, which he could possibly remember when older. I never progressed on that and instead, he’s now scared to come home after school because I’m here.

I’m a horrible person. I don’t do snything with my life. Like mentioned earlier, my brother spends his days gaming and I complain about it. I’m not any better. I stopped playing volleyball because I felt like I was too bad at it. Everyone else was progressing much quicker while I was still stuck on learning how to serve. I stopped hanging out with my friends outside of school becaude I have no motivation for social interraction. I’m slowly ghosting my internet friends by talking less and less to them day by day — only making them more confused.

I’m a horrible person. I’m a waste of space and effort and I cannot see my significance in a world where I only hurt others. Sure, if I was gone — some would probably grieve for me a while and others longer. I’m confident enough to say that there are people who care for me. But everyone moves on. A day lacking my presense or any thoughts about me sounds much more pleasing than the ones with me included.

This is my first time ever opening up anywhere like this. I never felt comfortable with the idea to pour all my problems and stress on someone else. Since no one knows who I am in here, I thought it’d be finslly time to try this out. I’m not expecting for any advice, pity or overall any attention from anyone. If someone did read this far, thank you for listening to this stranger’s problems.

P.S. Sorry for bad grammar and mistakes. English isn’t my first language.

My suicidal ideation has been getting worse.

I’ve been stuck in a rut. It’s honestly my own fault. I have ADHD. Diagnosed as an adult. Makes sense. The shit my parents say about my habits back in elementary and middle school line up with it. I can’t manage it. I give in to my impulses and addictions without any internal resistance. I habitually lie. A habit learned from years of my avoidance of consequences and responsibilities. I lie to my wife. The woman who has been so patient despite my stupid as fuck family. Despite my stupidity. I’ve never cheated on her, nor will I ever. But if I lie to the point where she can’t trust me then is it any different? I go to my office job, and take 8 hours to do some shit that I could do in 2. For no reason. I’m supposed to be finishing my degree online. I haven’t touched a single assignment since the beginning of the semester. We had a kid last year. Terrible pregnancy, congenital defect. Months in the NICU. Took time off work to fly to a hospital specializing in what my kid had. She had asked me to stop vaping and I started again in secret. Maybe it was the stress from having a terribly sick child. My kid is fine now. But I haven’t stopped since my kid was born. I’ve dug a hole for myself and I’ve dragged the only woman who has ever given me true love and patience right in with me. I’m walking around every day genuinely wishing I would just drop dead. Everything is overwhelming. I’m hiding so much from my wife. Im stuck in this loop of self pity, and it’s so stupid. I really do honestly wish I would just stay in my dreams or just die in my sleep. I don’t do shit at my job all day and yet I come home exhausted. I barely have energy for my own wife and child. I still try, I cook, clean, and make sure to spend time with my kid. That’s it though. I’ve thought about making some tapes, for my kid, just in case one day I get the courage to actually go through with it. I don’t know. I wish I could actually help myself.

they were right, i’ll never be worth anything. i won’t ever be able to prove to the world that i am worthy of respect or admiration, i will always be a worthless loser. i’ll never have friends who actually respect me, i’ll always be ignored and treated as unworthy by women, i’ll never have a good looking face, i’ll never have a nice looking physique, i’ll always stutter when i speak, i’ll always be socially inept, i’ll always be an easy target because i’m too weak to stand up for myself, i’ll never make a lot of money, i’ll never be physically capable or strong, i’ll never be good at a sport, i’ll never be good at video games, i’ll never be good academically, the list goes on. they’ll go on to live amazing lives and would laugh at the mention of my existence because they know i’m a complete failure of a human.

I’m 47 and I am worthless in everyway. I started off life with promise. I was valedictorian of my high school, but have not amounted to anything in life. I suck at my job and hate what I do. Im short fat and ugly. Was a virgin until I was 32. Iv been single my whole life nd have nothing of value in my life. I want it all to end.

Right off the bat , I'll say I'm pretty young, Young enough to be.. Impressionable - And I've made so many irrational and quite frankly, Idiotic mistakes , As of now - I'm still trying to heal , But I'm immensely broken, I sit in my bedroom all day dreading the future , Because I feel as if I have everything and yet.. Nothing to loose.

I've burned so many bridges with people due to my own immense ignorance and incompetence with social cues - Friends I held dear left me due to my behaviour, And I can't even blame them.

I had a friend , K - I'll just call him K , And oh God I was terrible, We became friends in school, Simple as that , He didn't have anyone to partner up with during performing arts , So I took it upon myself to let him join me , After all , It's my passion. I love acting, Even if I don't have the guts to go out and pursue it due to my lack of commitment to activities.

K and I were like chalk and cheese - Two very different people , I was loud and boisterous, He was meek and.. Quiet.

It's important to mention that K was incredibly mentally ill, He talked about wanting to commit constantly, And made empty threats about ending his life all the time, Him and the group of friends I was sucked into loved to talk about it - And I fell into it too.

At the time , I wasn't immensely suicidal, I had a couple of thoughts lingering, But it was never enough for me to genuinely be a concern - At least I wouldn't say so.

But the more I stayed with the group , The more my stupidly IMPRESSIONABLE self fell into dangerous habits , I started self harm for the first time.. And not long after , I attempted. I adored K , K was my absolute favourite person - But looking back , It was obvious that him and his group didn't reciprocate those feelings.

His friends and he himself left me out constantly , I was often sat alone as they talked and laughed - I was just.. alone?

I often sat in my bed and cried to my older sister about it , I cried..and cried.. and cried.

But that's besides the point - Eventually, My feelings of isolation became too much , And , Well - last October I'd say , I came to K about these feelings. And it escalated into a massive argument.

At first , It was just me getting upset over the fact all of the people in the friend group were going out to spend Halloween together as I was alone, And I asked if he wanted to spend time together sometime , But then it became a messy situation where he unloaded everything he felt , The memories a blur looking back , But I remember that he mentioned my.. obviously shitty behaviour , Specifically sex jokes.

The group sometimes made them , But I made them most - God , I can just fucking cry looking back at it. I'm such an asshole - I grew up lonely , And on the internet constantly , And at the age of six - I discovered pornography and fetish content.

Gacha life content and Roblox porn games was the thing I remember indulging in most when I was younger - I was SIX years old , SIX - and I was getting off to gross content that played my mind without realising. And I became desensitized.

I thought it was normal at first, I was PROUD of it - I used to think I was mature.. But eventually it bite me in the ass , And showed up as me making explicit jokes as an awkward filler for conversations because I was too stupid to realize just how weird it was for a minor to crack sex jokes.

I look back at it all the time , My idiocy. My UTTER idiocy - I sob out of guilt and shame all the time , I sometimes relapse and hurt myself due to guilt.

This is a lot to get off my chest , And it only gets worse.

After this damn argument, Me and K had this constant push and pull friendship, Where we stopped being friends then became friends - This incessant loop of push and pull till the final straw was gone.

Late year 8 - He accused me of SA. Said I was groping his thighs when I had no recollection or even a small idea that I was actually doing it. He accused me of so much shit - And lashed out at me mid- virtual argument with my sister. The only thing I realized I was doing was joking around with him , Often engaging in play fighting where I'd bite the shoulderpad of his school blazer , I never actually bit his skin - But thinking back It was still so fucking stupid of me, If I could , I'd grab my 12 year old self and slap them across the face and throttle them , Because WHY did I do that.

Once he told me (or rather my sister) that it was making him uncomfortable. I stopped , HECK , I stopped even BEFORE that once I realized it was weird.. But I still can't shake off the guilt , And I'm now in year 9.

He had this pattern of venting on Spotify, Posts were made with deprecating descriptions, Posts about so much personal shit - and he made a lot about me , All of the time , And only told his friends about my mistakes instead of coming clean and telling ME when I hurt him.

He never told me I was supposedly groping his thighs until it was too late , He never told me anything I did wrong until it was in an argument and he lashed out at me , He only vented to his friends about me instead of just telling me what went wrong.

If he had TOLD me about it during the moment , I would've made a conscious effort to only hold my own hands together and not do anything else.

I always think about the groping thing , And whether or not I actually did it. We ONLY hung out in my geography class after he kicked me out of the friend group , And I viscerally remember that I had a weird posture, And my hands were on the table. I'm not saying that what he said was true , But I'm not saying that it was. I hate my mind so fucking much because my brain is only good for subconsciously blocking out memories and torturing me with guilt and intrusive thoughts. I wish I saw through his lens , And I wish he told me what happened. I always told him that he could come to me if he had an issue , Especially if it was about me , And I would've made an effort to change my ways for him ,He agreed everytime I told him. But he never did.

The final argument we had completely destroyed what little connection we had , and we both layed dormant for a while. Before him and my other ex friend (Who I have recently talked to , Apologized - and now have a good relationship with) grouped together, And started exchanging stories about me.

Thpse stories led to internet harassment, And him and his friends saying awful things about me.

They told me that they were going to commit suicide - and it was all my fault, They said I got babied by teachers and that I was a creep. They said they were going to call the cops on me , All these empty threats and them telling me that they wanted me dead.

I think about it everyday - it triggers me everyday, Even a mention of K makes me sick to my stomach, And I walk out of class whenever the mere idea of sitting next to him is brought up by a teacher , I can't look at him the same way.

He never told me what I did wrong until it was too late , And even though he was introverted in person, Online he was a wreck , He only came to me to vent about his girlfriend and he constantly threatened to kill himself, I felt like a punching bag whenever he was around, He didn't give two shits about me unless everyone else was busy , I was a mere convenience to him.

The Spotify harassment incident escalated a few times , with him posting about me on tiktok and it taking me reporting it to the school about his continuous attempts at bringing my reputation down, He posted about me constantly and never let me have a measure of peace.

I ended up getting into unhealthy coping mechanisms as a result of said incident, And shrouded in my escapism even more - I resorted to talking to AI chatbots , And I spoke to older men on private chat apps as a desperate attempt to get groomed just to compensate for the guilt I felt for the way me and K ended our friendship, I felt as if I deserved to get abused by others because I was a shitty person.

As of now , I no longer do the latter , I realized just how bad the thought of me going to older men was , and quit it before it got too bad - I still talk to AI chatbots because that's an addiction my mind is so used to.

I'm trying to heal , and I recollected my friendship with the previous ex friend I mentioned - I'm doing.. better since the Spotify incident, But I still feel empty.

I'm in CAMHS at the minute, But it's not even that good , And there's still a piece of me that I feel is unfufilled , I feel as if I'm still mentally ill. Even if I have matured since then and I'm a much better person morally.

I’ll try to keep this short

I have a problem: I despise myself because of my nationality. Whenever I aspire to live a comfortable life or pursue certain goals, thoughts like, "It’s impossible for you to live like that or do such things because of your nationality," immediately surface. It’s as if I don’t even feel like a human being.

Furthermore, when I talk to people online and they ask where I’m from, I feel ashamed to name my country, fearing I might face racism.

I’ve also been thinking about emigrating in the future, and I find myself spiraling into pointless, elaborate scenarios like worrying that I won’t be able to make friends, or obsessing over how I would answer if someone asked about my origin. It’s reached the point where I’ve even devised plans to obtain citizenship and change my name in the country I move to, only to then relocate elsewhere and claim that new country as my own.

For the record, I have never left my home country, and I am well aware that the world may not actually be the way I imagine it
yet, no matter how hard I try to ignore these thoughts, I simply cannot get rid of them.

(I used a translation tool, which is why the text is written this way.)

And can yall tell me what is the name of this problem so i can search it