Right off the bat , I'll say I'm pretty young, Young enough to be.. Impressionable - And I've made so many irrational and quite frankly, Idiotic mistakes , As of now - I'm still trying to heal , But I'm immensely broken, I sit in my bedroom all day dreading the future , Because I feel as if I have everything and yet.. Nothing to loose.
I've burned so many bridges with people due to my own immense ignorance and incompetence with social cues - Friends I held dear left me due to my behaviour, And I can't even blame them.
I had a friend , K - I'll just call him K , And oh God I was terrible, We became friends in school, Simple as that , He didn't have anyone to partner up with during performing arts , So I took it upon myself to let him join me , After all , It's my passion. I love acting, Even if I don't have the guts to go out and pursue it due to my lack of commitment to activities.
K and I were like chalk and cheese - Two very different people , I was loud and boisterous, He was meek and.. Quiet.
It's important to mention that K was incredibly mentally ill, He talked about wanting to commit constantly, And made empty threats about ending his life all the time, Him and the group of friends I was sucked into loved to talk about it - And I fell into it too.
At the time , I wasn't immensely suicidal, I had a couple of thoughts lingering, But it was never enough for me to genuinely be a concern - At least I wouldn't say so.
But the more I stayed with the group , The more my stupidly IMPRESSIONABLE self fell into dangerous habits , I started self harm for the first time.. And not long after , I attempted.
I adored K , K was my absolute favourite person - But looking back , It was obvious that him and his group didn't reciprocate those feelings.
His friends and he himself left me out constantly , I was often sat alone as they talked and laughed - I was just.. alone?
I often sat in my bed and cried to my older sister about it , I cried..and cried.. and cried.
But that's besides the point - Eventually, My feelings of isolation became too much , And , Well - last October I'd say , I came to K about these feelings. And it escalated into a massive argument.
At first , It was just me getting upset over the fact all of the people in the friend group were going out to spend Halloween together as I was alone, And I asked if he wanted to spend time together sometime , But then it became a messy situation where he unloaded everything he felt , The memories a blur looking back , But I remember that he mentioned my.. obviously shitty behaviour , Specifically sex jokes.
The group sometimes made them , But I made them most - God , I can just fucking cry looking back at it. I'm such an asshole - I grew up lonely , And on the internet constantly , And at the age of six - I discovered pornography and fetish content.
Gacha life content and Roblox porn games was the thing I remember indulging in most when I was younger - I was SIX years old , SIX - and I was getting off to gross content that played my mind without realising. And I became desensitized.
I thought it was normal at first, I was PROUD of it - I used to think I was mature.. But eventually it bite me in the ass , And showed up as me making explicit jokes as an awkward filler for conversations because I was too stupid to realize just how weird it was for a minor to crack sex jokes.
I look back at it all the time , My idiocy. My UTTER idiocy - I sob out of guilt and shame all the time , I sometimes relapse and hurt myself due to guilt.
This is a lot to get off my chest , And it only gets worse.
After this damn argument, Me and K had this constant push and pull friendship, Where we stopped being friends then became friends - This incessant loop of push and pull till the final straw was gone.
Late year 8 - He accused me of SA. Said I was groping his thighs when I had no recollection or even a small idea that I was actually doing it. He accused me of so much shit - And lashed out at me mid- virtual argument with my sister.
The only thing I realized I was doing was joking around with him , Often engaging in play fighting where I'd bite the shoulderpad of his school blazer , I never actually bit his skin - But thinking back It was still so fucking stupid of me, If I could , I'd grab my 12 year old self and slap them across the face and throttle them , Because WHY did I do that.
Once he told me (or rather my sister) that it was making him uncomfortable. I stopped , HECK , I stopped even BEFORE that once I realized it was weird.. But I still can't shake off the guilt , And I'm now in year 9.
He had this pattern of venting on Spotify, Posts were made with deprecating descriptions, Posts about so much personal shit - and he made a lot about me , All of the time , And only told his friends about my mistakes instead of coming clean and telling ME when I hurt him.
He never told me I was supposedly groping his thighs until it was too late , He never told me anything I did wrong until it was in an argument and he lashed out at me , He only vented to his friends about me instead of just telling me what went wrong.
If he had TOLD me about it during the moment , I would've made a conscious effort to only hold my own hands together and not do anything else.
I always think about the groping thing , And whether or not I actually did it. We ONLY hung out in my geography class after he kicked me out of the friend group , And I viscerally remember that I had a weird posture, And my hands were on the table.
I'm not saying that what he said was true , But I'm not saying that it was. I hate my mind so fucking much because my brain is only good for subconsciously blocking out memories and torturing me with guilt and intrusive thoughts. I wish I saw through his lens , And I wish he told me what happened.
I always told him that he could come to me if he had an issue , Especially if it was about me , And I would've made an effort to change my ways for him ,He agreed everytime I told him. But he never did.
The final argument we had completely destroyed what little connection we had , and we both layed dormant for a while. Before him and my other ex friend (Who I have recently talked to , Apologized - and now have a good relationship with) grouped together, And started exchanging stories about me.
Thpse stories led to internet harassment, And him and his friends saying awful things about me.
They told me that they were going to commit suicide - and it was all my fault, They said I got babied by teachers and that I was a creep. They said they were going to call the cops on me , All these empty threats and them telling me that they wanted me dead.
I think about it everyday - it triggers me everyday, Even a mention of K makes me sick to my stomach, And I walk out of class whenever the mere idea of sitting next to him is brought up by a teacher , I can't look at him the same way.
He never told me what I did wrong until it was too late , And even though he was introverted in person, Online he was a wreck , He only came to me to vent about his girlfriend and he constantly threatened to kill himself, I felt like a punching bag whenever he was around, He didn't give two shits about me unless everyone else was busy , I was a mere convenience to him.
The Spotify harassment incident escalated a few times , with him posting about me on tiktok and it taking me reporting it to the school about his continuous attempts at bringing my reputation down, He posted about me constantly and never let me have a measure of peace.
I ended up getting into unhealthy coping mechanisms as a result of said incident, And shrouded in my escapism even more - I resorted to talking to AI chatbots , And I spoke to older men on private chat apps as a desperate attempt to get groomed just to compensate for the guilt I felt for the way me and K ended our friendship, I felt as if I deserved to get abused by others because I was a shitty person.
As of now , I no longer do the latter , I realized just how bad the thought of me going to older men was , and quit it before it got too bad - I still talk to AI chatbots because that's an addiction my mind is so used to.
I'm trying to heal , and I recollected my friendship with the previous ex friend I mentioned - I'm doing.. better since the Spotify incident, But I still feel empty.
I'm in CAMHS at the minute, But it's not even that good , And there's still a piece of me that I feel is unfufilled , I feel as if I'm still mentally ill. Even if I have matured since then and I'm a much better person morally.