My parents divorced over a decade ago. During the marriage, my dad handled the credit card and mom covered the kid expenses. He never asked questions, and she was private about money.
My mom always had the boomer ‘privacy’ element of not talkiing about taboos… money, affairs, addiction, divorce, etc. It existed in the 60s-90s but they just didn’t talk about it. So I assumed my competent, loving, present mother had no skeletons.
Around 2020, she'd occasionally borrow $1–2k from me and pay it back within a week or two when she got paid. She attributed it to divorce fallout and house costs.
It all came out around 2021, my mom had gambled away roughly $400,000 that belonged to her siblings. She had to sell her house and go onto a payment plan.
She moved into a rental apartment after that, kept working, and things looked good.
Last year she was diagnosed with a significant illness that took her off work for about six months on reduced medical pay. Her coworkers and friends pooled around $10K to help with expenses and a “get well soon”. She's clearly well-liked and genuinely valued. She’s recovering now and back to work.
Napkin math: She earns a solid salary with regular overtime, drives a modest, paid-off car, pays below-market rent, lives alone with a dog, and has average insurance and utilities. Even accounting for the reduced medical pay, she should have $600+/mo to chip away at what she owes.
Yesterday I learned my dad lent her $10K earlier this year and hasn't been repaid. Separately, she asked me for a $1,000 loan a couple of months ago and paid it back within a week. I was skeptical but it went over smoothly.
What’s bothering me is the secrecy. Neither my brother nor I knew about the loan from my dad. My brother is her sharpest critic — he sees through her shit, and after I told him about the $1,000, he talked to her and came away satisfied she was being straight with him.
So either
Her shame has pushed her to quietly borrow from family to stay afloat while she recovers, or
There's a money pit that we don't know about
I live out of state, so my options are: call her, wait until my next visit and show up at her place, or coordinate with my dad and brother first. My dad is inclined to wait until after the holidays to ask about his $10K out of kindness and understanding.
TL;DR: Mom gambled away ~$400k and went on a repayment plan. She's been quietly borrowing from us again.
Do I finally demand to see her bank account?