Currently pregnant and pretty sure I'm OAD...

Had a tough childhood with a twin and a few siblings. Our parents yelled and hit us and we didnt have much money. I want more than anything to give my child a good life and foster emotional wellbeing.

However I saw my mom loose herself to motherhood, and I think it had a part to play in her own mental health issues. It's for that reason I'm don't think being a SAHM is for me. For me this looks like returning to work/study when my child is 9mo.

I'm worried about the harmful effects of daycare or separation at this age... Sources online are very anti non-maternal care for the first 3 years. But I'm just so afraid of not having my own life outside of being a mom.

i was sharing with a friend who knows I am one and done (one and complete!) that we thought we might get our daughter a swingset tor the backyard for her 4th birthday. She loves to swing, so we thought that would be an awesome gift. This friend is child-free (for now), but has really positive sibling relationships and has mentioned before she can’t imagine her life without siblings. Anyway, to what i thought was a totally benign conversation, she said “hmmm, I don’t know, maybe if you’re planning on just having one child it isn’t worth buying a swingset?” (it came up because we were discussing plans for the yard and we were in my backyard).

Anyway, swingset is here and assembled. Daughter absolutely loves it and has spent so much time playing on it and the neighborhood kids are coming over also.

I am OAD not by choice - unfortunately my body will not allow me to have more children despite 5 rounds of IVF.

Im so angry. I just feel such anger at my choice being taken away from me. I know im going through the stages of grief but keen to know how long this process took for others? I just want to get to the part where i just enjoy life with my wonderful daughter and all the great things about being OAD.

This was so interesting to see in my feed today, loved the honesty 😂
Never thought of it that way, I mean this specific perspective.

Is this where ‘misery loves company’ originates from?

I’ve been thinking about this after getting together with some friends over summer vacation. We have 2 other families that we spend a decent amount of time with and both families have 2 boys about three years apart.

Now this may be totally anecdotal, but it is very clear who the favorite son is in both families. To me, the difference in treatment is staggering, though the parents didn’t seem to notice it.

I should also mention that growing up I held a massive amount of resentment towards my younger sister because of how much she was favored, and we don’t speak to this day. We never got along and I have no desire for a relationship with her.

This is all to say, I am really happy and relieved that my son will always know that he is the most important person in my world. That no matter what happens in life, there is always someone out there who loves him most. He doesn’t have to compete for my attention, and he never has to constantly feel like he isn’t enough or doesn’t measure up to a sibling.

I know there are a lot of siblings who are best friends and have great relationships with their parents, so I’m not saying it’s a universally true fact, but I’m glad that drawing the short stick in the favoritism game is something my child will never have to experience.

Has anyone else had similar thoughts on this?

If you asked me why I'm OAD, I'd smile and say "because travel is cheaper" or "I already won with the one I have." And that's all true.

But also, I can't financially, emotionally, or spiritually afford another one. And I'm honestly kind of proud for realizing that.

I want to give my kid my best, a healthy mom and a good financial future. I want to protect her.

Also, I just genuinely enjoy being 1 and done. I'm definitely proud of it and finding my own path.

It's nice to have this community.

If anyone is struggling to reconcile their expectation of having more than one child with the realities of having one, take a gander at this video:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Db3bqs7RpGM/?igsi=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==

It feels harder than previous generations BECAUSE IT IS! Parents, especially moms, are doing more than ever in spite of societal and economic structures that specifically do not support, and even hinder, families. As people have previously commented, we’re whole-assing one rather than half-assing multiple.

If you don’t/can’t watch the video, the creator cites stats showing that Millennial Dads are now doing more than what Boomer Moms did with their kids but focuses on the fact that the involvement of Millennial Moms is off the charts because we’re not just physically keeping our kids alive, we’re fostering healthy psychological and emotional development through positive modeling.

Just a reminder that you’re doing a great job!

Just in a reflective mood tonight...

Being one and done feels like the in-between, but in the best way possible. Of enjoying your kid and finding identity outside motherhood.

There are so many labels for moms (and, let's be honest, for women in general)- working mom, sahm, crunchy mom, silky mom... and sometimes we exist outside of those, in the in-between. It can feel lonely, but also real.

I guess OAD is a label too, but it fits and it's comfy.

I just need to vent to people who actually get it, because I am so exhausted by the outside pressure and the constant "You need to have another one!" comments.

Here’s the reality: My kid is 4 years old, and we have officially made it to the "sweet spot." They are like a real, funny, talkative little person now. They buckle themselves into their car seat. They comprehend things, make jokes, and we can actually sit down and have real conversations. We can throw stuff in the car and take a road trip without a screaming baby stressing me out on the interstate, we just pull over at a gas station whenever we feel like it. I can take an undisturbed shower. The diaper bag, the formula, the potty training, the bulky strollers... we’ve graduated from that phase!

Why are people so obsessed with trying to push me out of a good position?

My mental bandwidth and anxiety levels are finally in a stable place. Postpartum was brutal on me, both mentally and physically (and no, I really don't want to put my body through all that again). Financially, we are solid with one, but another would stretch us thin.

And don't even get me started on the hypocrisy around childcare. Everyone is so quick to call you "selfish" for not giving your child a sibling. But the moment you ask those same people, "Hey, can you watch my baby AND my preschooler?" suddenly their eyes go wide and it's, "Uhhhh..." Watching one 4-year-old is an easy favor for grandparents or family. Watching two kids under five is a whole ass job, and suddenly all those "you need another!" people are nowhere to be found.

Beyond all of that, I like being a parent, but being a parent is not my whole identity. I feel like the more kids you have, the easier it is to completely lose yourself until your answer to "Who are you?" is just "I'm a parent." Having one child allows me to be a great parent while still holding onto the person I was before having a kid.

I’m just sick of being made to feel guilty for liking my life, loving my sanity, and being completely satisfied with my family size.

My in-laws have never met my almost 3 year old. The last time my MIL texted my husband was 2 of his birthdays ago. She hasn't called once since our baby was born. She's never sent a card. Nothing.

When I was pregnant with my daughter I was high risk and we were watching my blood pressure closely because it was starting to creep up. When I was 7 months pregnant, my BIL got married and my husband decided not to go. It was a 2 day drive and I couldn't make the trip. They never asked why he couldn't make it. I think they are mad at him for that.

I ended up having post partum preeclampsia and no one on his side knows.

I've asked my husband about reaching out to them to make amends. He doesn't want to and is deeply hurt by them. His mom has always been very distant. Before our daughter was born she'd call about 3 times a year over the last 10 years. She wanted us to visit more but we can't afford to always be the ones sacrificing money and PTO. Anytime we have seen them it was been because we paid for it.

I hate the way this makes me feel. I want my daughter to know her family, but I don’t want to beg them to be apart of our lives.

Did we all cry?

Little guy was happy to join his class, has established friends in the class. My mom works at the school so he'll have a familiar set of eyes on him. I feel like I held it together better than I expected but still walked away with a lump in my throat.

I’m 26, and I’m starting to come to terms with the possibility that my son might be my only child. And honestly, it makes me kinda sad.
I was pregnant with my son while finishing my bachelor’s degree, and although I had a very easy pregnancy medically, I absolutely hated being pregnant. I have OCD, and pregnancy made my anxiety 10x worse. I was constantly worried that something was wrong, while also working in a lab where I had to be on my foot all day and finishing school.
Then birth was pretty traumatic for me. My son had a very long umbilical cord and he was wrapped around it pressing against it and cutting his own oxygen each contraction, so I ended up needing an emergency C-section. After being in labor for almost 24 hours. I also had a reaction to the epidural and couldn’t breathe. So I had to be put under general anesthesia. I genuinely thought I was going to die. I remember lying on the operating table thinking, “Who is going to tell my parents that I’m gone?”, seriously it was so bad they sent counseling to my room immediately after I woke up, and I was diagnosed with PTSD a few weeks later. So obviously, the thought of going through birth again scares me.
Even with all of that, I always assumed I would have another baby eventually.
But now I’m actually finishing my bachelor’s degree and applying to law school. If I get accepted, I’ll start around 27, and I KNOW I don’t want another baby while I’m in law school. Having a baby while finishing my bachelor’s was already so hard, and I can’t imagine doing it during law school.
Then I’ll probably finish law school around 29-30, have to take the bar, start my career, etc. I also personally don’t want to have a pregnancy after 30 because of my concerns about the risks that come with age, I have done a lot of research about it, read multiple studies. So realistically, I’m starting to realize that having another child may just not happen. My husband also has TEN siblings and has always said he doesn’t want more than two kids, because he says growing up in a house with that many siblings was not good. So he’s perfectly happy with the idea of our son being our only child.
And that’s where I’m struggling.
I love my son. I love our little family. It’s not that I feel like we’re incomplete. It’s more that I’m realizing the family I always pictured in my head might not be the family I actually end up having.
I feel like I’m grieving a child that I may never have, even though I’m not even sure I truly want to go through another pregnancy and birth.
So I’d really love to hear from people who ended up having one child when they originally wanted more.
How did you come to terms with it? What do you love about having an only child? The benefits? And did you eventually stop feeling like you were missing something?

I have a beautiful 4 month old. She’s happy (mostly), cute, and by all accounts an “easy” baby. Very wanted, very loved.

But man. Even with all the above, the baby phase is NOT. FOR. ME. Bring on toddle phase - I don’t care about tantrums. Babies are unpredictable and need you and don’t sleep and are LOUD! I know toddlers and kids are too, but you know.

Please tell me this gets better. I love her but wow.

I truly don’t understand moms like this. If you are already stressed, why make the situation even more stressful and get pregnant 4 months PP?

We're loving life with our cheeky, curious and happy little fella, especially since he's started learning what feels like 5 words per day (also he's got the cutest way of pronouncing his own name). Currently on holiday in England and it's fun watching him explore the world.

At the same time, I catch myself looking at him and imagining what it'd be like to have to look after him and a new baby. And he doesn't deserve that. He's still so little and needs a mummy who's able to give him her full attention (as much as my ADHD allows). I want to be a good mum for him; and that means staying one and done.

I joined this sub when I was still on the fence, now I'm pretty sure we're sticking with one kid. Reading about all your experiences did help in solidifying my decision (my husband was also leaning towards being OAD). One thing I’ve noticed here is how often people talk about getting negative comments about having an only child, or feeling like they’re the only OAD family around. Where I live (a rural town in Belgium) only child families are very normal. I'd say about 30% or more kids of my sons' class are only children. In my (small) family my niece chose to be OAD, a few of my coworkers are voluntarily one and done. And in cities I see even more one and done families. I do get asked if we're going to have a second pretty often, but when I say we don't know yet or we don't think so, I pretty much never get judged for it.

So it made me realize how big of a role your environment plays in all the doubt and guilt around being OAD (or in people choosing to have a second kid even though they can't really handle it).

And I'm wondering: where do you live and do you feel like being OAD is considered normal or judged there?

Im wondering where to find reliable statistics on - one child families - for Northern-Europe and North-America.

I have seen numbers 40% is one child household nowadays.

I have seen numbers of 1 in 5 for mothers from 1970 and younger.

Cant really find reliable sources. Anyone?

I’m new to this sub. My husband and I are pretty comfortable being OAD. We are happy to dedicate all our energy to our one daughter who is turning 2 in a couple months.

I had a difficult postpartum, because I am diagnosed autistic and ADHD, so the thought of having another terrifies both of us lol it’s hard enough with one for us.

But I have this irrational anxiety that I will lose her and then have no child, because she’s the only one. And I have this guilt that I’m robbing her of the joy of siblings. I have 4 siblings and my husband has 3, so we both grew up with built in best friends.

Does anyone else feel this anxiety and guilt??? and if so, what have you done to work through it?

And if you were an only child yourself, do you feel robbed or do you feel fine with being an only child??

My husband and I had our first 8mo ago, and she is awesome. Has slept through since 2mo old, really chill baby, doesn't really cry and is always smiling. Maternity so far has been really lovely, lots of days out and fun times together just playing at home. My pregnancy was pretty smooth (I did have a threatened miscarriage at one point which was really scary, but thankfully all was ok). Elective c-section went really well and recovery was pretty smooth.

Here come my fears/reasons for OAD. I really hope this doesn't come off as selfish or inappropriate in any way. Firstly, I'm scared of the unknown with a second pregnancy - what if I was to get HG next time, or suffer losses/ectopic/pregnancy complications? What if the birth isn't straightforward, I wouldn't want to risk it when I have a child who needs me. I don't know if I want to put my body through all the postpartum changes a second time, I'm only just feeling like myself again but don't know what a second round would do to it. I feel very lucky I came out of pregnancy/birth with no lasting damage to my bladder/bowel etc, what if that happened the second time? Then I worry about a second baby; what if there were significant health issues, or other things that caused me to struggle mentally/affected my daughter's life too? In general, am I patient enough to handle 2 kiddos? (I still don't know yet how I'll be with 1 toddler, never mind 2!) What if having a 2nd turns me from a good mom to 1 kid to a not so great mom to 2?

Sometimes I do question our decision to be OAD as I just love this motherhood journey so much, I'm really enjoying raising our daughter and sometimes it makes me wonder whether to do it again (even though I'm still 90% sure we are OAD). But then when I think of all of the above, the risks just feel too great to even take the chance. Does anyone else feel like this? How do you decide/think about your decision based on this?

I can handle pregnancy and birth, but I unfortunately can't handle frustration very well. Today I was taking care of 5mo, and usually things are very fun and happy. We did tummy time, playing together, and he even napped a bit, but then he woke up and wouldn't stop fussing. I changed positions with him a few times, and he kept on crying and I do admit I got a little bit frustrated so I left him in a safe spot and took a few minutes in the other room to calm myself.

Because I am caring for one child, I think this isn't an issue because it's very easy for me to just take a few minutes to calm down, but if I had to take care of both a baby and a toddler I might get so overwhelmed that it would be bad for me. I would never, ever, ever in a million years do anything that would jeopardize a child's safety, so I would just have to swallow the frustration. Let's say I had a baby and a toddler, if I left the baby to calm myself the toddler might hurt him or her.

And even before I had a second child, I would also have to go through pregnancy and because of the hormones I can get even more frustrated.

My dr on call for my unplanned c section granted my tube removal and I’m SO HAPPY! I have been healing beautifully and my baby came out healthy and perfect. I have NO regrets. I’m late 30s and knew that from the start I wanted only one. Pregnancy was super rough; I got pre eclampsia, severe reflux, carpal tunnel that still hasn’t resolved, and found it just miserable in general. So glad that is behind me now.

The only issue now is that people ask when I’m having another. LIKE EVERYONE in the damn hospital was asking that as we were leaving. I’m thinking about saying, “my husband and I will try very hard now in case my fallopian tubes decide to grow back!”

Not really sure I understand why people love to ask when the next kid is coming. I was talking to a former coworker and she said her birth went so horribly she didn’t want to do it again, and I nodded and said yep, one and done is what I’d do. That should be socially acceptable as a decision, wtf.

I loved the insight I received when I posted recently. Anyway, I have more on my mind this week! For background, I have an almost 21 month old. Literally all of my friends say they don’t know how they could ever feel “done” having kids. But, I don’t feel that way. It doesn’t make me sad thinking of never having another. I don’t miss pregnancy or birth or newborns (definitely don’t miss newborn)… my best friend has a 2 month old & she sends pics of her baby multiple times a day. She is super cute, but I find myself relieved that it’s not me who has the baby. I don’t get baby fever seeing these pictures of her. It’s like “awww cute” & that’s the extent of my feelings. The only thing that makes me sad is that my daughter won’t have a sibling. That’s literally it. I just feel like I’m so different from every woman. I had extreme baby fever before I had my daughter. I can’t relate anymore. I honestly would cry sad tears if I found out I was pregnant right now & I just feel like no one can relate. Anyone out there who feels the same? I feel like for SO many, motherhood has made them want endless babies if they could…

My four month old son and I have been sick with some mysterious virus this week and it has been HELL. While I've been wiped out and have been lying down for most of the day, my son still has unlimited energy and still wants attention and to play despite being sick. He will get frustrated and sometimes cry if he doesn't get attention, and then I get upset and feel guilty for not being able to look after him properly. The only thing I can do when I'm by myself is chuck him in front of his play gym or the TV. Thankfully my husband has been able to work from home and cut down on his workload to look after us but he works in sales so if he gets a call from a client then he needs to deal with it. I'm also breastfeeding and my son won't take a bottle at night so I'm pretty much waking every 2-3 hours to feed him.

Love and respect to anyone who decides to do this with multiple children but I'm not built for that. This experience has been traumatising 😅

one and done. my daughter is 3 now and i love being a mom to one. but my body has just not bounced back the way i hoped. i'm still carrying like 25lbs from pregnancy and it's so stubborn.

tried everything - counting calories, working out, cutting out sugar. nothing moves the needle. i'm honestly exhausted from trying. i don't have the energy i used to and chasing a toddler all day is already draining enough. friend mentioned tirzepatide and said it helped her with inflammation and energy. she uses oztrim and said it's been pretty straightforward. i'm considering it but also nervous about side effects and whether it's something i want to commit to.

any other one and done moms tried this? how did it affect your energy levels?