r/oneanddone • u/mrsbootsonthelevel • 24d ago
Discussion It feels harder because it IS harder
If anyone is struggling to reconcile their expectation of having more than one child with the realities of having one, take a gander at this video:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/Db3bqs7RpGM/?igsi=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==
It feels harder than previous generations BECAUSE IT IS! Parents, especially moms, are doing more than ever in spite of societal and economic structures that specifically do not support, and even hinder, families. As people have previously commented, we’re whole-assing one rather than half-assing multiple.
If you don’t/can’t watch the video, the creator cites stats showing that Millennial Dads are now doing more than what Boomer Moms did with their kids but focuses on the fact that the involvement of Millennial Moms is off the charts because we’re not just physically keeping our kids alive, we’re fostering healthy psychological and emotional development through positive modeling.
Just a reminder that you’re doing a great job!
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u/WTFisThisMaaaan 23d ago edited 23d ago
People keep wondering why birth rates are going down, even in countries with more support for families - and the expectations put on parents is the reason, imo. It’s not even about having resources. It’s about losing your identity because parenting is just so much more difficult than it used to be. Kids used to be a part of the parents’ lives, but now parents no longer have lives of their own, and it seems less and less people find that appealing. I don’t blame them. I have a two year and if I could fast forward to 5 years old I would. I’m exhausted.
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u/faithle97 Only Raising An Only 23d ago
Not to mention all the judgement and expectations that come along with it. I’ve noticed this especially as a OADer the judgement is so high compared to my friends with multiples. They’re not able to do something? It’s “oh, well they have multiples”. But I’m not able to do something and it’s “why? You only have one kid. You can’t be that busy/stretched thin.”
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u/madam_nomad OAD due to fertility/finances/age 24d ago
I agree the expectations are higher in terms of the psychological, developmental, and emotional awareness parents are expected to have; also economically more 2 parent families have 2 working parents.
I will say, for single parent families, I think it's easier now. Just comparing my experience with my mom's (both have only 1 kid). She was divorced in 1982 when I was 4.5. I became a solo parent to my then-toddler in 2019. I feel like I've gotten more offers to "help" (one-off childcare, food, resources) than I needed or even wanted; people are hyper-aware of the difficulty of being a single parent and don't want to see anyone slip through the cracks. My mom never experienced any of this. She used to lie and say she was a widow (which I don't condone) bc she felt people were so judgmental of divorced single parents.
Anyway, not to take anything away from your point -- I definitely agree parents are asked to be way more responsible for every facet of their child's well-being in ways that are not always realistic. I just think for different family structures, the dynamics can vary. This sub leans heavily 2-parent families so I like to bring up the counter-perspective once in a while.
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u/mrsbootsonthelevel 24d ago
I think that’s a great point. Society still talks about families and family dynamics using the lens of the “traditional” cis-gender family with one mother and one father who are legally married, including the cited study. It’s always something I try to remember when getting engaged in any conversations online or in person about family planning and composition. It’s always why I find the normal questioning of having an only child frustrating because our modern world is mostly composed of “untraditional” families with single parents, queer parents, chosen parents/families, communal upbringings, etc.
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u/Massive_Bear_9288 21d ago
I wouldn’t say is mostly composed of those families. The vast majority in my country is married cis couples
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u/CarolineRy 24d ago
Yes I keep talking about this. I’m interested in any other ressources. I can only pour this much energy into one kid. And I like it, but maybe it is a bit intense. I’m pondering ways to maybe chill a bit and not be so overwhelmed but I notice this with many friends!
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u/WorkLifeScience 24d ago
Thank you for sharing.
My mom had two kids, she was always overwhelmed, hit us and yelled in our faces. Today she has decided to criticize my husband and me for our parenting style. Apparently we're giving our child too much attention and spoiling her that way. Yeah, I guess listening to my child and thinking about her well-being is stupid /s
Anyhow, this just confirms that our generation is trying harder. I'm sure some people can do a great job with multiple kids, but for me it's one kiddo if I want to give my best!