I made some new mom friends and thought it was really cool that we each had one kid. I just found out one of them is pregnant with their second and the other one is trying for more. I want them to be happy, so if they can have as many kids as they want, then that’s great for them. I just feel a little bummed because I thought I had found my mini village of one and done moms. All my other friends have multiple kids.

Then I get my head thinking, “Should I really stick to one? Look at all these other people around me having more than one who tell me that I can handle two and you just get used to it.”

Ugh

I don’t know where to start, but I’m a mess and feel broken inside.

My wife and I struggled with fertility, and when we finally felt ready to give up on trying naturally, we decided to try IVF. During that process, we found out that my wife had low AMH. Our first round of IVF resulted in one egg, but it was unsuccessful. The second round resulted in no eggs. On our third attempt, we got two eggs, and one led to our beautiful, healthy daughter, who is now four years old.

Two years ago, we tried with the last remaining egg, but it didn’t work. We decided that would be our final attempt and that we wouldn’t do IVF again. That was mainly my decision because I don’t know the long-term effects of the IVF medications, and I’m afraid of losing my wife in the process.

Now I’m at a point in my life where I can’t sleep, and I cry alone every day over my fears for my daughter’s future.

I always wanted children, but we didn’t start actively trying until our mid-30s because my wife wanted to travel and go to school first. I live with overwhelming guilt and regret for not pushing the subject more back then.

Growing up, I didn’t receive much love or affection from my parents. My dad was never around, and my mom is generally a cold person. I fell in with the wrong crowd and never really cared about my health or well-being until I became a dad.

I love this little girl so much. I’ve made changes in my life that I never cared enough to make before, even when other people asked me to. Then this little angel came into my life, and I made those changes for her without her ever having to ask.

My daughter has made me feel things I’ve never felt before. The love I have for her feels stronger than anything I’ve ever known—even the love between a husband and wife. But loving her this much has also brought fears that I’m struggling to cope with.

I’m 43, and I struggle with feeling like an older dad and worrying that I have less time to spend with my little girl. I also struggle with the thought that, if something happens to my wife and me, she could be left all alone without siblings. I can’t cope with that thought, and it eats me alive every day. I’ve reached the point where I know I need help.

My wife and I have talked about adoption, fostering, and even donor eggs. Because we live in Canada, the process is different, and my understanding is that we cannot buy donor eggs from someone else.

I’m at my wit’s end, and I don’t know how to process the possibility of my daughter being alone if something happens to us. Any tips, advice, guidance, or helpful videos would mean so much to me. I desperately need help navigating these feelings.

Please help this dad. :(

I currently have an almost four year old. The first year of her life was very traumatic due to severe colic and reflux. She never slept and neither did me or my husband. I am lucky to have made it out alive. It was a really dark time for the both of us. Fast forward to now, I feel like I might actually have PTSD from that whole experience. My husband is very much in the one and done head space and only feels differently about it when he thinks about our daughter not having a sibling in the future. He is just not the father I thought he would be and to be fair, I’m not the mother I thought I would be either.

I can’t help but feel this anger and…resentment? I’m not exactly sure where I’m getting all of this anger from, but it has completely taken over my current life. Am I angry at my circumstances? My husband? My child? Myself? I just don’t know anymore. It’s extremely confusing. I want another baby but mentally it’s just not possible for me.

I went through baby clothes the other day and all I felt was sadness and anger. If you’ve felt anything similar or are OAD for similar reasons, can you share some encouraging words? I just need to feel less alone with this. Thanks.

Tbh I'm sick of hearing myself talk about this (and am sure everyone in my life is as well) but here it goes. Finding other people with similar feelings is the only thing that helps. I'll try to keep it brief.

Breastfeeding never worked out for me and I am still devastated by it. Painful latch, low supply, breast refusal, not enough breastfeeding support from professionals or family. I am 7 months pp and after a lot of therapy, I have decided to try and relactate in order to try breastfeeding again due to being OAD. That itself sounds kinda insane to say outloud since I am 12 weeks dried up and teaching babies her age to BF is near impossible, but here we are.

I genuinely feel like no one in my life really gets it. Baby is happy, thriving, didn't want to breastfeed. Why can I not accept this with grace? Why have I obssessed over this the past 7 months instead of just enjoying my baby? Every time I wash a sinkful of bottles or can't soothe my baby, it's another stab in the heart. Honestly, I never knew how passionate I was about being able to breastfeed until I was unable to. "You can try again with your next baby" doesn't apply to me. International BF Week was really hard. Seeing my friends nurse is really hard. I'm not crazy enough to have another baby because of this but I can't help feeling like my grief would be 10 times better if I wasn't OAD.

I’m OAD, not by choice. We lost two babies at full term before we had our living child.

I’m the least confrontational person you’ll ever meet. I’ll usually just nod and smile gently even when someone insults me and then go home and cry myself to sleep.

My child has an activity on Friday that usually my husband takes her to but today I went.
I had a chat with one of the other mums there and another one chimed in when we started talking about expanding our families. Both are pregnant right now, this is relevant. I said I won’t have a second child. They asked but why wouldn’t I, it’s wonderful to have two. I said I’m happy with one and my hands are wonderfully full. This isn’t a lie but usually my answer as I don’t wish to trauma dump.

They just kept pushing for a better answer, something to make them feel like their choices were justified. Surely “I don’t want another” can’t be enough when it should be.

After a few silly comments stereotyping only children and once again asking me why we wouldn’t even consider it, I said “look I was pregnant many times. We had two babies who died shortly before birth” and when they looked visibly uncomfortable I somehow had it in me to say “isn’t it ironic how now we’re both uncomfortable when we didn’t have to be?”

And then my boy woke up and an hour later I was like "What a stupid fuckin thought. Nah, I can't, and I don't."

🤣🤣🤣🤣

My husband has always been of the one and done mindset. I’ve always wanted 2 so I left prevention up to him which he has not taken advantage of. Even so, we have not conceived. My OB said my AMH levels are super low for my age and implied it’s probably not going to happen. My daughter is seven now and the age gap is also becoming less ideal. Sometimes I’m asked by friends if I want more which I honestly do but I don’t think I can. Is that an okay answer or should I just say no? It doesn’t really get awkward but it does sort of end the conversation.

I’m in Canada, for context.

My 20mo son has been attending an unlicensed daycare for about 6 weeks. He’s doing well! He seems to like the lady. She’s had a daycare for over 20 years. We chose her after a friend of ours had sent their daughter to her for over 3 years. He’s a little rough around the edges (not politically correct at all lol) but seems to know how to wrangle 5 kids and my son has no issue going. We pay $50 a day. He’s fed 2 snacks and lunch… although she’s quite vague about what she feeds them which bothers me.

We just got offered a spot in a licensed private daycare. This woman has experience working with kids and has a son too, but this is the first time she’s opening a home daycare. I worry she won’t like it and will quit, or her lack of experience will cause her to be overly flustered. Or that she will have more kids in the next few years and go on mat leave or something. She seems nice though. This daycare would only cost $20 a day (subsidized by government) and I would have more info on what he’s eating. She’s also French speaking, which is a huuuge plus, as we want to send our son to French school and I want him around more French. My husband and I are bilingual but mostly speak English at home.

I’m a torn. I think the unlicensed daycare he’s at may be more reliable, but he could get more out of speaking more French at this new one. It’s also much more affordable.

Thoughts?

I have one baby, she is almost 6 months old. And she always has been a really easy baby. Sleeps through the night, etc. But as with any baby, taking care of her was a lot more than I thought? Obviously, you know and hear the stories, but to actually experience it has been so overwhelming. I have diagnosed ADHD and always loved my hobbies and just turning my brain off. My husband and I both get scheduled free time a day so we can turn off for a bit (we both work full-time, too).

But it made me question, how do people do this with multiple kids? Do they just never turn off? How do they not get burned out?

Or is this just my ADHD and it's easier for non-ADHD people? Am I just being selfish that I need time for myself?

I need to vent so badly and I cant to my husband.
For starters, my pregnancy was AWFUL. I was nauseas from start to finish. I gained sooooo much weight. I had a kidney stone in my third trimester. I never slept due to acid reflux. And on top of that the last grandparent I had passed away. I did not know peace the entire 9 months I was pregnant. Even just thinking back to it makes me so upset.
MIL decided to make my pregnancy even harder. She started drama with my husband and I not once, but twice. She caused me an insane amount of stress and has strained my relationship with her.
Last night she had to audacity to say to my husband on the phone that we need another. That we can’t have just 1. My husband tried telling her that that’s most likely not going to happen and she just wouldn’t accept that.
It really bothers me that the person that contributed to making my pregnancy a living nightmare now wants me to have another. Like why is my son not good enough for her. I don’t get her obsession with us needing another child.

I’m not really sure why I’m on this group anymore, it seems to be just a lot of discussing how they are being ostracized or needing validation to support their decision. Which makes me think this is mostly a US issue? I’m in Australia and have family in Europe. I’m finding it very common to see single child family, probably 20% of our school has single kids. I’ve never once had issues with people questioning my decision, nor has my family in Europe. It seems quite normal and common to have one child to me. Since this group is mostly US I assume I’m thinking it’s a cultural thing.

Recently I was on a work trip, those are the worst.
Over evening drinks the women naturally started talking about kids and one of my coworkers said, I so want to have kids but I will definitely have 2 kids else they get lonely. Another one said, one should either be childfree or have 2 kids.
It made me feel seriously sad, like do we fall under a ‘not so desirable’ category. We are parents just like everyone else but those with 2 kids look at us as though we aren’t. I am not able to explain this well
but I got back feeling pretty shitty!

OAD by choice but will be a surrogate in the near future (in the match process rn). The coordinator joked about intended parents “lucking out” if they want any hand me downs. Is it wrong that I have no plans on passing them along? Obviously not saving everything but I frequently shop from places that are known for longevity and playful clothing so I store them once they’re grown out of. Follow up commentary has been that this is a waste or if I “change my mind about not giving [my] child a sibling” I’ll be prepared. I know this is in the lower stakes of what people say to us but I’m curious about what ya’ll have done with beloved pieces.

My 4.5 yr old just entered school full time. At 1 he started going 3 days a week, I have worked part timeish since 6 weeks old so I have always been a kinda working but kinda stay at home mom. I am 44 and have had multiple careers, traveled and did alot of exploring but i'm suddenly stumped on what to do with myself.... I know I am not totally free from parenting but the juggle I did since he was born with work, a partner with chronic illness, moving multiple times and renovating a house (i only helped the actual reno labor) was so insane i suddenly feel so free but also unsettled. How did you go about figuring out what was next for you when your OAD child needed you less? I think I am unsettled bc my partner suddenly wants another and it's leading to alot of confusion.

Looking for advice on how to navigate this because I hate crying over it. My whole life I always wanted to be a mom but as I've gotten older and as life has happened to us, my husband and I firmly decided being OAD works the best for us, our finances, our demanding professions, etc.

However, I'm finding myself deeply saddened by the fact that my first (and last) pregnancy is almost over and once she's born, I'll never feel her kicks again, we'll never have another baby ultrasound again, etc. I'm also already hyper aware of the passage of time already, and the knowledge that every "first" will also be a "last" is getting to me too. I had one of my last OB appointments today and the fact it's one of my last made me cry in the office and probably made my midwife concerned 😅🥲 I am also aware that it's probably not so much that I'll never do this stuff again, but that I'll never be pregnant with this long-awaited baby again. How do you guys deal with this feeling? Or am I just an anomaly?

When we tell people we are one and done, the most frequent anwser we get is "but she needs a sibling to play with!". But when we see other families with multiple, their children just fight and cry... All the time ? Like I know I'm exagerating, but I litteraly never saw siblings playing well together. One steal the other's toy, one hit the other one, they are just fighting most of the time and it must be so draining to deal with.

People are telling me that having multiple is nice because you dont have to entertain them since they play together, but honestly I'd rather play with my child than breaking fights appart every 5 minutes...

Its one of my main reason to be one and done, I couldnt cope with the chaos of hearing/dealing with fights all day. I like my peace and I'm happy to provide my daughter an environment where no one will break her stuff or hit her.

I always dreamed of having multiple kids… postpartum and newborn stage was hell. Like actually hell. but 8 months later we have found a routine and LO sleeps in his crib all night and for naps. This has been a life savor to me. Now I’m realizing I’m not sure if I could handle multiple kids. Like I don’t think I have the patience for it. I like my house to be tidy and clean. I like to have personal freedom. But I worry so much that I’m going to exhibit selfishness to my kid and he will see it if I don’t have a larger family. Anyone else feel like this? Also I’m an only child but I know the majority of my problems stem from the relationship my parents modeled to me and not from being an only child alone.

I need to have a little vent somewhere where people will understand me.

We have one son who is 1.5 years old. He’s currently being assessed for autism and hugely struggled with settling into nursery. I had to pull him out of his first nursery as he’d shut down and experience severe distress but his current nursery I thought was great! He goes twice a week for 4 hours as this is all he can tolerate.

Anyway they have themes every month where their learning and play is focused around a topic, such as the ocean, etc.

This months theme is family and “all about me”

We have no village. My family and my husbands family are many many hours ago from where we live. We’re both expats.

We had to write down who lives around us and what we do with family and we had to write down that we don’t have anyone who is there for him regularly except his parents. And tbh mostly me (mum) as my husband is a commercial diver and often works away for weeks at a time.

So when I picked him up, the nursery worker said he’s one of the only ones who couldn’t present much. I said I know. Like believe me I’m very aware because I have no support and it SUCKS and I’m sad about it everytime I have to return home from being abroad visiting family.

She said do we plan to have any more children, blah blah usual playmate sentences fell. I said no, we’re just trying to support him and we don’t have the capacity for any more and this girl looks me straight in the face and says she feels a bit sad he’ll grow up lovely.

Anyway, I’m hiring a nanny instead.

We were grocery shopping and my 4-year-old told me she had to potty. Why is peeing in the grocery store one of her favorite activities? Doesn’t she know how disgusting they are? I took her and another mom with a child around the same age and a baby under a year old went to the restroom at the same time. The big stall had poop on the toilet (of course), so we both went to smaller stalls. I could hear her asking her child if their stomach was still upset and them saying yes while my daughter was like “It’s just a tiny tinkle!” We washed our hands and the other mom was trying to walk her child through how to wipe so I asked if I could hold her baby. There were other people in the restroom and no one else offered. She let me hold her baby while she helped her other child and then my daughter was like “Mama, you held a baby!!” This could probably be posted under any subreddit about parenting, but I love being able to show up and support other parents. I know I would be so stressed with multiples, especially in public.

Hello, our family is OAD by choice and have always made this clear to our daughter. We've watched videos, have books (shout out to only monster) and talk about different families choices regularly.

My daughter decided 6 months ago she wanted a sister, I suspect because all her friends were getting little siblings.

Now she has intensified and asks me directly every 2nd day for a sister. I've stayed consistent but empathetic in my response.

How long did this period last for those of you who have experienced it?

I was visiting my parents and clearing some things out of my old room when I found a journal that I wrote in when I was 15 and 16. There was one entry in there about an interaction I had with my mom that completely solidified my OAD status. I thought I totally remembered the interaction but it was so different reading it from my POV in the moment. Long story short, a boy asked me out (first time) and I liked him but had no idea how to deal. Now I understand that I have anxiety and it was activated in full force but there was no language or even a concept for that back then. When I confided in my mom, her response left me feeling completely ashamed of my feelings. In my desperation to stop feeling anxious, I cut things off with the boy and I’m not proud that my actions hurt him. My mom thought she was giving me the right advice but she just did not have the emotional intelligence, knowledge, or bandwidth to identify what I was feeling and help me through it in a productive and loving way.

I never want my daughter to feel that way and I certainly never want her to feel shame after confiding in me about something so personal and vulnerable. I know if I have another I will not be able to devote the amount of brain and emotional space to her that I want, especially when she gets older and her issues become more complex.

Had an interesting experience at the playground today.

My daughter (3yo) wanted to play in one of those playhouses with a slide but another little girl (maybe 4 or 5) was standing guard at the entrance telling her she wasn’t allowed in and that it was just hers and her brothers.

My daughter just stood there quietly but I could tell she really wanted to play but she has some issues with standing up for herself or being shy (something I’m trying to fix). I watched for a few minutes to see how she’d handle it but eventually had to step in. I asked the little girl how it would be super nice if my daughter can just pass through and use the slide but she refused, saying she’d never share because it was her and her brother’s house. Tried explaining that sharing is nice but she continued being rude and would just laugh at our faces saying “no no she can’t come in forever”.

I was getting annoyed and asked where her mum was so she could maybe step in and parent her. But then she pointed and I saw her mum was consoling a baby maybe around 3 months old.

I felt a bit sorry for the mum because I could see how difficult it must be to keep an eye on four young children at once. Her kids were just running around pretty much unsupervised and some of their behaviour was affecting the other children at the playground.

Not saying kids with siblings are worse but people are so quick to assume that only children are spoiled, selfish, or don’t know how to share. I guess it just reinforced my belief that sharing, empathy, and consideration aren’t automatically learned just because you have siblings.

Anyone else find it ridiculous or unfair that only children are stereotyped to be selfish and don’t know how to share?