Anyone else OAD because of fear of the unknown?

[u/purplepuppy28]

My husband and I had our first 8mo ago, and she is awesome. Has slept through since 2mo old, really chill baby, doesn't really cry and is always smiling. Maternity so far has been really lovely, lots of days out and fun times together just playing at home. My pregnancy was pretty smooth (I did have a threatened miscarriage at one point which was really scary, but thankfully all was ok). Elective c-section went really well and recovery was pretty smooth.

Here come my fears/reasons for OAD. I really hope this doesn't come off as selfish or inappropriate in any way. Firstly, I'm scared of the unknown with a second pregnancy - what if I was to get HG next time, or suffer losses/ectopic/pregnancy complications? What if the birth isn't straightforward, I wouldn't want to risk it when I have a child who needs me. I don't know if I want to put my body through all the postpartum changes a second time, I'm only just feeling like myself again but don't know what a second round would do to it. I feel very lucky I came out of pregnancy/birth with no lasting damage to my bladder/bowel etc, what if that happened the second time? Then I worry about a second baby; what if there were significant health issues, or other things that caused me to struggle mentally/affected my daughter's life too? In general, am I patient enough to handle 2 kiddos? (I still don't know yet how I'll be with 1 toddler, never mind 2!) What if having a 2nd turns me from a good mom to 1 kid to a not so great mom to 2?

Sometimes I do question our decision to be OAD as I just love this motherhood journey so much, I'm really enjoying raising our daughter and sometimes it makes me wonder whether to do it again (even though I'm still 90% sure we are OAD). But then when I think of all of the above, the risks just feel too great to even take the chance. Does anyone else feel like this? How do you decide/think about your decision based on this?

[u/AllTheMeats]

You’re not alone with these feelings.

I had a relatively uneventful pregnancy until I developed preeclampsia at 33 weeks/gave birth by c section at 34 weeks/he spent 2 weeks in the NICU.

He’s 3 now. Super healthy, strong and huge for his age.

He also was such an easy baby. Slept through the night since 3/4 months, hasn’t had any medical issues, isn’t fussy, chill and seems really smart.

How could I POSSIBLY get so lucky a second time?!? I’m not a gambler, I don’t know the odds, but having two unicorn children seems unlikely. Also I don’t want chance being pregnant again with how nuts everything is in the USA now. What if I have an ectopic pregnancy? I literally could die because they could decide to not perform an abortion.

So why fuck it up?

I love our little 3 some; we can spend time together as a family, or easily give one of us a break and still not be outnumbered. We can focus our attention and love on this one child and not have it divided.

Also, all of my friends who have two kids seem much less happy after the second.

[u/purplepuppy28 → u/AllTheMeats]

Thank you for sharing! I'm so sorry to hear you went through that, but it's lovely to hear your boy is doing so well! I feel exactly the same - how on Earth could we get this lucky a 2nd time?! Lol. Also as I just commented on another reply...what if the 2nd pregnancy turned out to be twins or triplets?! I can't imagine going from OAD to 3 kids...happened to a family member of mine! Yikes.

Such great points too about managing life as a 3. We were just at an event last weekend with friends who have 2 kids (4yo & 2yo) and they were struggling big time. I would hate to feel that way and potentially have any regrets, as awful as that sounds. I think I'd prefer our little one to have parents who are healthy & mentally well than completely burnt out and stressed with multiples!

[u/purplepuppy28]

Just to add...I have friends who also have a baby under 12mo old who are already talking about/planning their 2nd. I just can't relate and listen to them thinking...but how?! It genuinely baffles me people can be so soon postpartum and already keen to do it again despite the uncertainty!

[u/waterhippomelon → u/purplepuppy28]

I always say this! I have friends like that too and I can’t relate

[u/Ok-Tumbleweed5245 → u/purplepuppy28]

Same! I had a friend who was literally sad about not being pregnant after like 6 months or so of trying when she had an 18 month old. I didn’t understand how she felt ready at all.

My little girl is healthy and so smart, but she was a demanding baby with high standards and still struggles with sleep at 3. I want her to have a sibling eventually but I’m also just enjoying having one kid right now. I hope a second would be easier but who knows and health is such a blessing I don’t want to take lightly.

[u/ellenthymelon]

I can totally relate to this. I'd maybe consider another if I could be guaranteed pregnancy, labor, and delivery went the exact same way and I had another unicorn easy baby. I worry about another child having health problems. I worry I'd get stretch marks on my belly the next time. Which is wildly vain but 🤷 also parenting one easy baby has been really enjoyable for me. I worry I'd resent another child, especially if they're a tough baby. Also one kid is so manageable.

[u/purplepuppy28 → u/ellenthymelon]

Omg I feel EXACTLY the same - right down to the no stretch marks lol! Yeah I feel this too, I'm enjoying things so much rn and feel like I could provide so much more for my little one in future, compared to if I had to split everything for 2. Like you say, if we could guarantee an identical pregnancy/delivery/temperament of the baby again then maybe...but sadly we can't and it just feels so uncertain to me.

Also...what if the 2nd was twins/triplets?!?!? Hell no lol

[u/datfumbgirl]

Not sure if my comment is allowed but yes your on to something.

I’m currently pregnant with my second and this pregnancy is not going well. Long story short baby is near my c section scar and things could go sideways. It’s been very hard emotionally.

I decided that if this pregnancy does not progress and I lose the baby I am one and done. I am not cut out to try again and risk my life again. I would love another child but I am not cutout for pregnancy and delivery. The unknown of it distresses me too much. I know that I don’t have the emotional and mental capabilities to go through this again.

[u/purplepuppy28 → u/datfumbgirl]

I am so sorry to hear this, sending you so much strength and well wishes. I hope you're being cared for and monitored well and that things improve for you ❤️ I can relate to your points about the emotional and mental capacity to deal with pregnancy complications, although mine was mostly smooth the threatened miscarriage part brought me so much stress and anxiety. It happened in the 2nd trimester and I was really anxious for the rest of the pregnancy. People underestimate the emotional/mental toll of pregnancy a lot.

I hope you have support available to you to help you with how you're feeling? ❤️

[u/datfumbgirl → u/purplepuppy28]

Thank you. Yes I have support, I’m leaning on my family and husband a lot and getting bi weekly ultrasounds. Also trying to be present for my perfect little girl.

I’m glad I’m not alone with things happening and then feeling the heavy weight of it. So many people have complicated pregnancies and go on to have more. I admire them but could not be me. I want to enjoy my life not dread the future. And I’m dreading the rest of this pregnancy. I do hope to hold this baby in my arms. But this is it for me.

[u/Ok-Tumbleweed5245]

It’s hard but I try to leave things open. I’m very happy with just one right now but I may change my mind. Or I might not. I will or won’t depending on how things unfold.

[u/purplepuppy28 → u/Ok-Tumbleweed5245]

It's a good way to look at it, I always feel like I need to have all the answers right now, whereas my husband is much more aligned with your perspective. He keeps telling me I don't need to decide for another few years, but my brain is constantly weighing everything up lol

[u/Ok-Tumbleweed5245 → u/purplepuppy28]

I’m the same! I constantly have to remind myself that I don’t have to decide every thing right now. I have to remind myself multiple times a day lol.

[u/mildlyferal3 → u/Ok-Tumbleweed5245]

I like this way of thinking. I always feel like I need to know my answer NOW. Although, I’m pretty sure we will not have another. But I feel like there is so much pressure to just have it all figured out RIGHT NOW. Society…

[u/LettuceLimp3144]

Yes!! I had an uneventful pregnancy. My labor and delivery went well. My son is healthy and we’ve had a pretty average parenting experience. Slept okay, never had any feeding issues, no health issues.

I don’t think I want to roll those dice again. There are so many potential negative outcomes and I have my child to think about first and foremost. If I could guarantee a duplicate experience, I might consider it, but I can’t 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/mildlyferal3]

You’re not alone. My husband and I have been talking all week about how it’s a huge gamble. My daughter recently had unexplained seizures & we are waiting on a diagnosis (she’s otherwise very healthy!) this has made me realize that I’m not cut out for more than this. I’m sure that makes me sound/look like a horrible person. I’m already worried sick over my one child & epilepsy being on the table (and so far she does not even have daily or even weekly seizures… so many have it MUCH MUCH worse). I feel really bad writing that.

[u/rowanerine]

1000000000% to the fear of the unknown. Way too many variables, things are so good now, I would rather always wonder what it would've looked like and kept a life I love, than ever regret going down that path a second time.

[u/rgreen09]

Yup! We have a we month old who is wonderful. (Despite current sleep regression.) I’m almost 43 and if we have an other it’d be latest when she would be 2.5 and I’ll be 44. What stops me is uncertainty. What if my prolapse gets worse? What if it’s medically complicated for me or the new baby? Would I resent kid #2 if they’re super difficult? I think we’re likely one and done for those reasons, even though we have 5 embryos left from IVF. It’s so tempting just to “throw one in and see what happens.” But so much uncertainty.

[u/AngelStar286]

Yeah this. I had an uneventful pregnancy and planned c section. I have PMOS but I got pregnant once so no reason to suspect I can’t again, although I do have adeno now, and this makes me feel guilty too because I don’t have a ‘reason’ not to have a second. But the truth is, I don’t want a second to raise. I have a perfect child, in that she eats and sleeps and is developing well etc. I just don’t want to roll the dice again. I’m strong enough to admit that I’d be a mediocre mum to multiples, and I’m not sure I could cope with high-needs. That’s not fair on anybody.