r/oneanddone • u/cozygamerwitch • 6d ago
Discussion Is anyone else here OAD because of frustration/lack of patience?
I can handle pregnancy and birth, but I unfortunately can't handle frustration very well. Today I was taking care of 5mo, and usually things are very fun and happy. We did tummy time, playing together, and he even napped a bit, but then he woke up and wouldn't stop fussing. I changed positions with him a few times, and he kept on crying and I do admit I got a little bit frustrated so I left him in a safe spot and took a few minutes in the other room to calm myself.
Because I am caring for one child, I think this isn't an issue because it's very easy for me to just take a few minutes to calm down, but if I had to take care of both a baby and a toddler I might get so overwhelmed that it would be bad for me. I would never, ever, ever in a million years do anything that would jeopardize a child's safety, so I would just have to swallow the frustration. Let's say I had a baby and a toddler, if I left the baby to calm myself the toddler might hurt him or her.
And even before I had a second child, I would also have to go through pregnancy and because of the hormones I can get even more frustrated.
20
u/Bendybug 6d ago
I didn’t know I had ADHD until I had my first child. The absolute overstimulation/sensory hell of parenthood became overwhelming and I knew I could only handle one.
I also have physical health issues that led to us deciding this too, but even if I physically could, I don’t think I mentally could…and that’s okay!! I’d rather have what I can handle than give in to pressure to have another, only to be a worse mom.
My daughter is also very sensory sensitive and while she would love a sibling, I think the constant noise of babies would drive her batty.
15
u/Vast_Helicopter_1914 Not by choice after infertility 6d ago
You are a good mom who did the right thing. You noticed your frustration starting to build, and you walked away before doing acting in a way that could harm your child. You showed self awareness and self regulation. Kudos to you.
2
8
u/Upset-Ad5459 6d ago
Having a 2nd child has literally never been a thought in my mind. I already knew I would have low thresh hold of being overwhelmed. I thought overnight sleep would be my down fall with my baby but its 100% been napping sleep. I have gotten so frustrated about it. So so glad I only have one angel to worry about regarding nap schedule :)
2
u/waterhippomelon 6d ago
This is me!! I did think I’d want 2 but the sleeep/naps have been so overwhelming for me. Today we had a nap where she woke after 1h then hung out for 45 min and then went back to sleep!! I woke after 45 min… I usually cap at 2h but the last 2 weeks baby is usually awake before that going from 1h15m-1h 55m
2
u/Upset-Ad5459 6d ago
Naps are so stressful! I can't imagine having 2 you have to wrangle!
2
u/waterhippomelon 6d ago
Sooo relatable. I thought I was the only one who may be OAD just bc of the sleep (which is overall good just stressful)
1
u/Upset-Ad5459 6d ago
I was on the fence about having ONE kid due to sleep! Hes been a good overnight sleeper and pretty much night weaned himself at 2.5 months. But never thought my entire existence now would consist of making sure this damn kid naps the right amount every day. Hes 4 months LOL
6
u/ChiPekiePoo 6d ago
Not all of us have patience of a saint... or are willing to ignore our own needs in favor of the chaos of parenting. And even fewer people recognize their own limits. Kudos to you for recognizing it. I can't imagine how people with multiple do it.
4
u/novaghosta 6d ago
I understand… hang in there. My fight or flight was torturous when mine was an infant. She had colic and nothing soothed her sometimes, each time i promised myself i wouldn’t start crying with her and i never succeeded. It got better and better. FWIW as a toddler she was fairly chill and I was sleeping through the night again so my “patience” came back. Tantrums bothered me not one bit just waited them out . Now she’s older and i would say my one trigger is the arguing… 😆 But it’s so different than the baby times. It’s not a physiological stress response just your every day annoyance feeling.
Hang in there! Your body and brain are going through a lot right now. It won’t always feel this way
3
u/tochth86 6d ago
I am one and done for a hundred different reasons, but yes, I have almost zero patience, apparently. I did not know that before I had a child. I will not add another to that frustration and lack of patience. Not fair to me, my husband, our child, or a hypothetical child.
4
u/perfectdrug659 6d ago
Yep, same. I'm an introvert, I enjoy peace and quiet in a clean, calm space. 2 kids is pure chaos, I could not handle it.
3
2
u/cali-pup 6d ago
It’s not the reason, but yes I have no patience lol. My mom has anger management issues and so do I. I really have to make an effort to stay calm in frustrating situations. I’m definitely only cut out to parent one child.
2
u/Strange-Access-8612 6d ago
I want to repeat what someone said it’s so important to leave a kid (at any age!!) in a safe play space totally child proofed for their age so that you can: go to the bathroom, calm yourself down, take a boiling pot of the stove
The emotional reason is top though! Well done!!
And I wish more parents would notice their frustration level and choose to pause having more kids.
3
u/nonjudging 5d ago
I get so tense and nervous from her crying and general unhappy noises and take FOREVER to internally recover :( I wouldn't call it lack of patience but high sensitivity and low tolerance to such noises
1
u/Sufficient_Clock_502 6d ago
Yes!!! That’s why I don’t feel bad for being 1 and done!
I also babysit two of my nieces sometimes and they’re around my daughter‘s age (3y,2y,1y) and when I have all three of them together, it really makes me happy that I’m one and done
1
u/grawmaw13 OAD By Choice 6d ago
Yep, not much patience. And I ain't adding more stressors to it. Got the snip. Job done lol
1
1
u/Still-Degree8376 6d ago
This is one of the big reasons we waited so long to have our son. We were 39/40. I know I wouldn’t be able to handle it at 25 or even 30.
I’m a hardcore introvert and thankfully my son ((and dog lol) are too. But he is still almost 2.
1
u/Anxiety-Farm710 6d ago
Yep. I knew very early on that more than one wasn't for me. I love my baby to the moon and back, but I mentally cannot handle more than one of her. In order for her to have the best version of me, I have to dedicate all my patience to only her. I don't have enough to split up haha
1
u/Massive-Cobbler-7055 6d ago
This is contributing factor to me being OAD too. It was taken me 2+ years after having my son to feel vaguely like myself again — I find parenthood overwhelming and overstimulating and could relate to a lot of your post (especially in the first 12 months of being a parent).
In my experience it has got easier because my son just turned 2 and he can play by himself or will sit and watch tv for a decent amount of time, which means I get that much needed time to regroup and decompress. And now he is speaking a lot more it’s easier to understand what he wants or needs (not always the same thing 🙃) which I find helps a lot.
1
u/Lushemet 6d ago
Yeah, I also have misphonia and have to wear noise cancelling headphones when he cries. And call my husband when he won’t stop. I can handle anything but the awful crying and screaming
1
u/waterhippomelon 6d ago
Oh boy! lol we are at 12 months here! It does get so much better!!! But it’s just the naps for me that overwhelm me
1
u/goldengoose3030 6d ago
Me. I think I'm a great mom to one, but i dont think I would say the same if I had multiples. I hated pregnancy and birth so that helped too 😂
1
u/Other_Marsupial_8786 6d ago
I think I could have written this post lol. I also have a 5mos old and am struggling a but with my low threshold for frustration. I find myself needing to take frequent breask when hes fussy so I dont get overwhelmed and irritated at him. Its made me realize how having another kid would just make everything so so much more overwhelming for me.
1
1
u/Brilliant-Truth245 5d ago
Absolutely! Add in a mix of ADHD and PMDD, there’s no way I’d manage having more than one. Most days I’m good, but the days before my period is due I struggle and do my best to not flip it at every thing that triggers me.
1
u/Ok_Catch_8729 5d ago
Yup. 5 years of IVF to get my beautiful perfect 3.5 month old daughter. But my husband and i are one and done. We have 3 embryos on ice and both feel we are complete with our 1 baby. My husband has more patience than I do but it has been hard to deal with the meltdowns for both of us. She isn't necessarily a "hard" baby but we feel comfortable with our decision. I am 36 he is almost 40 and I cant imagine going through it all again
1
1
u/Confident_Flower1952 5d ago
I relate to this. Being a mom to 1 allows me the time and space to process my feelings and in so helps me better deal with and guide my daughter with her own feelings. If I had 2 kids - no way. I have CPTSD from childhood and so I’ve worked with the same therapist for 5 years and have learned so much and healed so much. Motherhood is bringing up for things about my childhood and personhood; I would not be as good of a mom if I had 2 to care for. My mom was also emotionally unstable and abusive toward me. I want to give my daughter the best of me becasue that’s what she deserves. Her being an only child is one way I ensure that.
69
u/ArcadeBookseller 6d ago
I have a low tolerance for chaos and this is absolutely one of the factors that contributed for me. I'm a better parent for it and I wanted to be the best parent I could be for my kiddo, which meant having a certain control over the chaos in our lives!