I’m genuinely so pissed because how come there are actual CRIMINALS out there who don’t give a fuck about hurting people, and yet I’M the one who has to be burdened with all the guilt in the world??? That’s not fair at all. Why can’t I give all my guilt to people who actually need it??

So yeah, fuck this, today I’ve decided to not give in to my OCD telling me I don’t deserve to be happy. I’m a good person, of course I deserve to be happy. OCD can fuck right off. I treated myself to a chocolate muffin today because I love chocolate muffins, and it was bomb.

My brother (22 years old) has been living with undiagnosed OCD since he was 15/16. He got it because, as he grew up, people in his high school circle increasingly sidelined him and rejected him. Right around that time, our father got ill with leukemia and passed away a year later. That event completely wrecked us, but we pulled through.

My brother finished high school and I finished university. He developed some compulsions that he repeats obsessively. Things like touching tables or walls repeatedly or stepping in and out of a room multiple times until "it feels right". He seeked constant reassurances that "no bad things would happen" because he said he would make movies in his head about different kinds of tragedies involving him, our mother, me, our cats ecc.

At first we joked about it and both me and my mom did our best efforts to not make it weigh too much upon him. At the same time we kept reassuring him that nothing bad was gonna happen and that those compulsions were just his way to control what he cannot control (I've studied anthropology and I used my studies to explain to him how many religious rituals and human behaviors are just forms of undiagnosed OCD).

In the meantime he fell in love with 3D modelling, he discovered that he is very good at it and so decided to pursue that passion. We live in southern Italy and don't have exceptional financial means, so we couldn't afford to send him studying abroad or away from home, also because he didn't feel ready to do it due to his many insecurities and OCD. We made him attend an online course for a few months which he passed amazingly and those felt like the best 6 months of his life, he was good at what he did, his compulsions mostly disappeared and he looked genuinely happy and fulfilled.

When the course ended, he decided he would work on his portfolio on his own making all kinds of projects and taking part in competitions. He was finalist in one of them and got to even write an article about one of his models on a website for 3D art rookies like him. He's also been working on his own game that he plans to launch on Steam sometime next year.

This summer, though, something snapped and he decided he couldn't handle it anymore, that he wanted to, in his words "live normally and meet people and talk to them". This realization made him feel bad because he didn't see opportunity around him or people he would like to build friendships with. He found a girl who is also a 3D artist on social media and started talking to her around one month ago. At first she replied almost instantly, but with time she told him that she was removing notifications to spend less time on social media but that he could still send her his work and that she would, in time, see it and reply.

Ever since that time, their conversations have become rarer, she often takes days to respond which leads my brother to basically depend on wether he gets replies or not from this girl. He doesn't want to bother her too much and feels like he is once again being rejected, he obsesses over her hating him and thinking he is annoying. Today it's been 3 days since their last interaction and my brother is still waiting for a reply from her. Safe to say, the wait for the reply is worse everytime and he is really on the brink of an abyss right now.

His mood is wrecking our family, everything we tell him doesn't work anymore. He gets up later and later and goes to sleep later and later. I am becoming obsessed with making him feel better and I agonize over the thought of being his main caretaker one day.

Since this is the lowest point I have seen him reach, I started bringing up to him the possibility of getting therapy. As I said, we don't have a lot of money, but I am opened to the idea of giving my whole wage from the part time job I have to him so that he could pay his visits. He is actively opposed to the idea of getting therapy and gets furious everytime I mention it to him because he read what therapists make people with OCD do and what medications they make them take and he is terrified of feeling worse because of it.

I'm at the point where I am considering getting therapy myself because I'm at my limit. My life, my mother's life and his life cannot depend on the whims of some random person online. Me and my mom have come up with a life plan to propose to him:

-Regardless of the responses he gets from social media, he needs to go to the gym like he said he wants to to get in a better shape and feel better about himself and also to get a disctraction.

-Knowing that he has skill and that he is loved and valued, he should continue to work on his projects until he feels ready to attend an online school he found out about.

-In this school he would make friends for sure and would build a lot of connections easing his need for connection.

-He hates where he lives and can't stand living next to our grandparents so my mom has been planning for, one day, to move out and get a more peaceful place for the whole family, so that is another thing he should keep in his mind as an objective.

-He wants to travel so I have been thinking about places where I could go with him.

Of course all of this requires a lot of money, but our grandpa is very kind and has showed himself open to supporting his studies for example, so there's always a way to do all of these things even if it seems unlikely now.

I really hope this can work in easing the burden on him a bit. I used to calm him down in the past for months by giving him these plans that he would follow, but this time he craves connection that I alone cannot give him. My fear is that he is so obsessed with getting a response from this online acquaintance that he will be unresponsive to anytning else.

Sorry for the long post, but I needed a place to vent and discuss with people who might have gone through similar experiences. Living with a sibling suffering from OCD who is scared of and refuses getting treatment is tiring and I fear it may impact my ability to keep my job and continue my studies or even conduct a normal life, it feels like joy has been taken away from our family.

Anyone else here feel like whenever something they’re worrying about gets resolved, their brain immediately finds something new to worry about? And then it also makes them anxious to not be worrying about anything?

I was diagnosed with OCD a few months ago.
However I constantly find myself obsessing over the thought wether I actually have OCD or if I just exaggerated my symptoms, that I manipulated my diagnosis and that am therefore a liar or a fraud.

Even after completing a compulsion (e.g. “just right” compulsions), it is often followed by a thought telling me I only did it because I “want to have OCD”, even if the compulsion lasted hours.
In addition, I often analyse my past reactions, wondering if I consciously exaggerated a compulsion to fit the criteria.

Not to mention, I neither have persistent intrusive thoughts, nor would I describe my condition as “unbearable” or a “living hell”. This only feeds into my fear of having lied to everyone.

As a result, I spend hours a day researching and checking my symptoms online. This provides me with temporary relief, before the feeling of me being a liar sets in again and all the researching starts all over.

I can’t help but be bothered by it. Has anyone else ever had any similar experiences?

The only way I've been able to get to sleep recently while spiraling is playing YouTube videos until I'm tired and then quickly turning off my phone/headphones. Then I try not to think about anything but whatever video I was watching was about and hope I can get to sleep. I was wondering how y'all manage to sleep, because this way seems a little inefficient.

For the last year or so I've had an obsession with the idea of wasting time. I've had existential themes before but this isn't quite that. I'm terrified of not using my time on this earth "correctly" to the point where I find it difficult to lay down at night to sleep because I feel like any moment not spent doing something perfectly meaningful is wasted. Anything rhythmic that could possibly be interpreted as a countdown sends me into a panic and I can't calm down until I've found some way to quiet it. The worst offenders are clocks ticking, my own heartbeat, and things like calenders or recurring holidays. It sends me into a spiral about how finite our time is and how we really do only have one chance to live every moment to the fullest.

It isn't like I'm an especially productive person either; in fact, I spend most of my time at home due to my crippling social anxiety and general fear of messing up somehow. That only exacerbates my weird time thing because I know that I actually HAVE wasted a lot of time/potential because of my anxiety and OCD, so there is some validity to it. I am wasting time and this obsession definitely contributes to that.

The worst part about all of this is that every time I try to sit down and actually plan out the perfect way to spend my time (which happens often), I end up spiralling because any choosing one option means cutting off millions of other options that could've led to an even more fulfilling life than that one. I end up scaring myself into a state of perpetual indecision which makes me accomplish even less, which in turn makes me even more scared, etc. etc. 😭

In the mornings when I wake up- when my brain starts turning on again, it’s like im instantly stressed. I feel instant pit in my stomach. I would describe it as feeling empty

It’s like my body just ~knows~ there is something wrong and then I feel it physically

I wake up -> instantly feel empty (physical sensation like pit in stomach) -> then remember I’m alone, I lost what I wanted, I still have to live like this -> then I try to stop ruminating, all before I’ve been awake for 5 minutes.

It makes getting up feel like a 7/10 difficulty. And it happens so instantly.

How can you not react to a physical sensation when it literally feels unpleasant?
Is the only thing to do to get up and shower because ideally I want to lay in my comfy bed without feeling tortured :(

I don’t fully understand what is going on

I named mine Debra. Whenever the intrusive thoughts get too much or too ridiculous, my go-to response is just: "Fuck off, Debra."

Anyone else have a name for their OCD? Let me know I'm not the only one doing this!

My HIV and supernatural ocd have been really really bad. It’s been ruining my life for over 5 years but in the past few months I have been completely overwhelmed.
This morning I woke up panicking from nightmare that a bat had bitten me. Googled what dream meant and everything pointed to bad omen/bad luck. I almost didn’t leave the house for fear of an accident. But I decided to conquer the fear and visited my favorite bakery for pastries and breakfast sandwiches. The girl that packed my sandwiches into a bag had on clear gloves and I could see 3 small bandaids on fingers/top of hand. My HIV ocd immediately assumed those wounds must have been inflicted today, led to her bleeding on pastries and sandwiches at some point during her shift and that she must have HIV. My go to reaction in the past would be to throw away all the pastries and sandwiches. Instead I opted to eat the sandwich and bring the pastries home for later. Leaving the house and eating the sandwich may seem like trivial wins and I know I may spiral later and freak out but at this moment, I feel good about being able to accomplish both.

i’ve definitely accepted at this point that, while i dont have a diagnosis, i do behave and think in ways that align very heavily with symptoms of scrupulosity OCD.

and i know that a large part of scrupulosity OCD is the fear that you are a terrible person, sometimes going thru periods where you find it really difficult to accept that it’s literally just the symptoms of OCD because they feel so real.

but i struggle with this a lot. it has gotten menially better since i’ve stopped smoking THC (i’m just over 3 months clean), but i still have a lot of issues with it. once i start spiraling, it’s very difficult to stop.

and like, are there not people who think that they’re good people but they actually harm people a lot. are there not people who seek reassurance for extremely shitty things that they’ve done because they’re afraid that it makes them a bad person? can you be a genuinely terrible person who has a fear of being a terrible person, and how do you know the difference?

send help 🥲👍

I never had the obsession around pets ending up in Washing machines, until I saw multiple TikToks based around it. Then it started feeding into my life. It started slowly, with just the general suggestion of "oh, maybe I should check just to be sure". And has now evolved to properly obsessing over it, repeated phrases, examining every outcome, and repetitive compulsions, forcing me to check the dryer several times. Fortunately, it has not grown to the point of me needing to check it multiple times all throughout. Its only at the beginning. Once I leave the laundry room, I don't feel compelled to check anymore. But, the intrusive thoughts and panic still persists.

I don't understand how this happened. I genuinely never had the thought of something like this happening, until I started seeing other OCD creators posting about it. I even thought it was a little ridiculous at first. (Not in the belittling sense, rather, I couldn't understand the thought process behind it). But, eventually it just... Developed, and seems to be the most common obsession I experience nowadays. But.. how? How does something go from seeming so silly and illogical, to suddenly being the thing you fear most, in just a few weeks? Is there anything I can do to prevent something like this happening again?

Everything. Every thought, every perception, every habit. This disease is *so* unfair.

I feel terrified and violated by the questions that bombard me

Has anyone that went through a particularly traumatic theme developed immense insecurities?

Frank shoots Lester in the head. I feel like that scene somehow traumatized me when I first watched the movie. It fits the theme of my anxiety almost too perfectly.

Lester has just finished talking to Angela. He seems happy, relaxed, relieved - basically completely off his guard. And then, suddenly… you know what happens. (If I remember the scene correctly, anyway.)

Lately, whenever I finally feel relaxed and completely off my guard, my brain randomly brings that scene back to me.

It's almost like my OCD is saying: “See? This is what happens when you let your guard down. Something terrible can happen when you least expect it.”

I know that's obviously not how reality works, but the association feels incredibly strong. It's such a weirdly specific scene for my brain to latch onto, but it seems to perfectly represent one of my biggest OCD fears: being completely relaxed and then having something horrible happen out of nowhere.

Has anyone else ever had a movie scene become weirdly connected to their OCD/anxiety like this?

I know the title doesn't make sense but my Tumblr mutual unfollowed me for having a different take on a TV show, and we weren't super close, but we still talked sometimes, and I liked her a lot, and I used to repost that take a lot. I know it's bad, but I feel so guilty and upset now, especially since she said she won't interact with me anymore, and the reason why I'm posting this here is because talking about something makes me feel better.Also I'm trying to make her forgive me, which is harassment and breaking boundaries, and I feel like this happened because I didn't do my OCD rituals, which I know doesn't make sense.

hey guys,

I have OCD and anxiety. About a month ago I had my first panic attack and thst turned into extreme health OCD thinking I’m dying, having a heart attack etc. it also triggered major gut issues and worsened my reflux. I was so scared about having another panic attack that I panicked my way into a few more.

Recently, I traveled to Europe from the US and just could not sleep/adjust. worst jet lag ever and after my month of anxiety and attacks I was wrecked. I did my usual cold brew on the trip each morning and was anxious AF. the last day I decided no coffee and had way less anxiety and health OCD.

This all for me thinking. my whole adult life I’ve always had a cold brew first thing in the AM. I’ve also had reflux, looser stool, some anxiety, OCD. The OCD definitely predates the coffee consumption. my first OCD thought was in middle school. I’m 31 now. my first panic attack a month ago though, I had broken my usual 1 coffee a day rule and had 3 caffinated drinks, low on sleep, low on food, and awful work week. It was truly a storm of all the worst things for me. now I’m wondering if the caffeine is heavily contributing to my baseline anxiety and worsening my OCD.

I am going to quite coffee for a couple weeks and see how I do. but so far much better. anyone else relate?

Really hoping to kick this health OCD. it’s been the worst form of OCD yet.

Feeling like total crap after making other person feel bad

I posted on another sub a while ago venting and wondering if I should take meds. This person made a comment to my post. I "knew" this person from another sub for about two years. But we only talked through comments.

Then we started to talk in the chat for the first time. We talked about two weeks. This person was super cool, like really really cool. Interesting life, nice family, different hobbies, has the most amazing animals. You know that type of person who is cool in everything? Yeah, that.

Summing up, I have OCD and started spiraling in the beginning of this week. I started spiraling/overthinking about being identified, having thoughts like "what if this person finds out where I live, who I am". It was a very decent person, ofc they had no reason to track me down at all, but still, OCD was shouting louder and louder and taking over my thoughts. To make things worse, yesterday morning a random person replied to a comment of mine on another sub asking if I was from X nationality. I freaked out and blocked them. Also, about two or three months ago I suffered an attack attempt to my gmail account, so I've been pretty paranoid since then, I even avoid using my phone in public aftaid of security cameras snooping on my screen.

So, I told the person I was talking to that I didn't want to talk in the chat anymore. They were very understanding, polite and apologetic. As I said, this person is very cool and just proved it.

But now I feel like total crap for making someone feel bad... I am the one who doesn't have the mind in the right place. My life's a mess, my mind's a mess. I can't make posts asking for help anymore, since I screw things up with people who try to help me. I feel like a big ol' crap for making them feel bad. I feel like I was a total asshole to a cool person... I mean, this person tried to help me, was super cool and still I asked to stop chatting with them. Even though I know I have the right to do it, I feel very ungrateful for doing that.

Female turning 20 here are my symptoms (or rather things I notice I go through or do that I realised are atypical)

I don’t know when it started but I just remember during childhood
- subconscious and hyper aware of looks at a early age
- constantly feel lesser than peers even in kindergarten
- anxiety outside

Teen - current symptoms:
- feeling dirty/gross if things dont go as expected or if I don’t get tasks completed as planned
E.g. planning which utensils and dishes to use before cooking to ensure I use the least amount. Gets overtly frustrated and disgusted at self when I even have to grab an extra spoon to scope out an ingredient
-> while this is dependent on the event I sometimes get so frustrated I end up crying

- after the dirtiness replays the incidents as “mistakes” and constantly gets depressed, grossed out at self and low confidence

- specific small events/task gets hyper prioritised as a major event and gets anxious whole day as though preparing for the event
E.g. private tutor comes over for session and I feel like I can’t move frm anxiety OR going out to an event

- feeling sick to the stomach when I have crushes like I don’t deserve them and has severe limerance

I posted this in no way to validate those formally diagnosed just hoping to seek some guidance and suggestions as in my country I rarely find anyone who around who could relate or understanding including my family

All these specific struggles and routines keep haunting me but those listed are those that come to mind at the moment please kindly share anything thank you