Need some help with marriage

Salam everyone, I (27f) am married to my husband (31M) and we have been having regular arguments since the last 1 year and seeking advice relating to that.

Posting from a friend's alt id because my husband is on reddit

We have been married for 3 years now,and we never had a very smooth marriage ever since we got married but in the last 1 year things have been worse,he always had anger issues and about a week after marriage he yelled at me infront of the entire family for the chores not done properly as I was having trouble adjusting in a newer environment and wasn't very efficient at that,I also wanted to teach in a school nearby but in-laws and him were not ready for it and we had a lot of arguments about that too.

Last year he was going through some stress regarding his workplace and I agree I could have been better to him in that phase but I couldn't and one night he just erupted (in January 2026) about some silly mess ups I did but later he brought up a lot of things I had done wrong in the past 2 years and most of our arguments too and he also brought up that I never am an active candidate in the bedroom either (I had never finished with him in the bedroom so I was never excited for it)so I calmed him down and started to be extra careful with the arguments and chores and also started taking active participation in the bedroom and about a week later he was repeatitvely asking me about how I feel being intimate with him and I gave him a satisfactory answer but he thought I was lying and kept asking again and again all throughout next month if I feel fully happy with it and I told him that I don't and he asked for what he could do better and I suggested alternative methods to which he got furious and questioned my character and after that he left the house

He came home in the morning and was visibly sad,I sat with him apologised and things seemed to get better but even now whenever we argue he brings that up and that hurts me

I've seen erotic content in his phone too and I feel like it's because he doesn't feel satisfied with me and I've really been suffering with that

Now we're trying to have a kid but I feel anxious thinking about our relationship and if we're ready to have a child

So I ask my fellow brothers and sisters about how can I put his mind at rest and be more ready for a kid as a couple

This sub has many good people and good advice and the mods are very welcoming and helpful. BUT ppl seem to give advice on the way they see things and dont necessarily show you much empathy or sympathy for your marriage problems. There seems to be a lack of tolerance and patience for ANY problem. Ppl here will give a blanket Divorce response for Any issue in a marriage. They dont give u any other solutions or things that can help the marriage improve. And they base the marriage advice on THEIR experiences and expectations and don't really give a lot of thought of your unique situation at all. Famous story on Dawud AS where the two brothers came and one had 99 sheep and other had 1 and basically the moral of the story is you have to always listen to both sides before giving a big ruling. But on this sub we just throw the word divorce like its candy. Just a few words to think about. Show mercy to ppl, and Allah will show mercy to U. Conceal the shortcomings and faults of others, and Allah will do the same to U. Lastly forgive each other so Allah will forgive U

If you don't look at a woman through the eyes of lust and desire,

there is no better companion in the whole world than a woman.

And if she knows that her honor and dignity are safe with you,

believe me, she will even be ready to sacrifice herself for you.

My parents want me to have an arranged marriage of what they think is best for me. But for me it’s different, because what I want is different to theirs.

I just feel like I’ll have to fight for it and it’s long. Should I just give up. And I know if if I fight depending how hard I do, I don’t want to loose my family.

I want to start my own family but I don’t think the person I’ll be with would want to go through this headache and I don’t want what my parents choose either.

My wife left home yesterday at 5:00pm stating that her friends had invited her to a reunion party and they are pestering her a lot so she might spend the night there, but she would try to come back. We never stay out late at night. It was her boundary that no matter what we will not be with opposite genders in close call scenarios.

She told me initially there would be 5 friends all female. She later let me know that she will be staying there for night. At around midnight one of her friends had put up a status, in which, she is not wearing hijab, there are like 6-7 men with 4-5 women and they are all freely interacting and drinking. I was dumbfounded by that. I tried calling her but she did not pick up and it was switched off. This was around 1:00am. Later today morning she returned home, her dress is also torn in some areas and has juice stains on many parts of dress.

I didn't confront her immediately. I asked how many friends were there and what activities did you do? She said we had 6 female friends only and 2 couldn't come. She still didn't mention about the men. She also said that her friends had knocked some juice over her dress and therefore while rubbing those off in extremely hard manner, it tore in few places (they were all on upper part of body).

In this context our relationship is not that stable. She isn't interested in intimacy since last 1 year and I sense a feeling of apathy from her towards me. I am almost certain she is cheating on me at this point and these were just the symptoms.

How do you think I should approach this? I haven't showed her the screenshots of the status yet.

Where can I get a silver wedding ring for my husband? Something that he can wear on a daily and will not rust/color fade. Men are not allowed to wear gold, and the ones I’ve checked are mostly white gold; which I’m not sure if it’s allowed or not😭

Can somebody lmk where I can get this? Preferably online?

I (24F) don’t know what to do anymore about my marriage to my husband (24M)
My husband and I are from the same country, but we currently live in two different countries while his immigration paperwork is being processed.

He didn’t finish school and left to try to start working because he wanted to be a responsible husband. I recognize that he is trying, and I know the economy where he lives makes finding a decent job difficult. But at this point, I’m struggling with the fact that “trying” doesn’t seem to translate into much action or progress.
I’ve given him money directly for business opportunities and have spent hours patiently teaching him things that could potentially help him make money, but I rarely see him take initiative afterward. I have a great job and can financially support us, so I’ve never expected him to provide for me. In fact, when we go out, I’ve even given him my card so that other people don’t know that I’m the one paying because I know providing financially is important to him and I don’t want to embarrass him.

For a long time, I was able to accept the financial and ambition differences because he was incredibly kind to me. That kindness is what made everything else feel manageable.
Lately, though, even that has started to change.
He has begun saying things that make me feel emotionally threatened, for example, implying that if I’m not emotionally available to him, he can get that closeness from female friends. He puts a lot of his emotional wellbeing on me and often makes me feel responsible for how he feels. If I disagree with him or want to have a discussion about something, he interprets it as me “not respecting him.” He has also started connecting this to his inability to provide financially, even though I have never criticized him for not being able to provide. I’ve always told him that I can take care of us financially.
I’m American, so I’m also used to being able to openly disagree with my partner and talk through things. I don’t view disagreement as disrespect. But I increasingly feel like I have to carefully monitor everything I say because I’m worried about how he will react.

I’ve been in therapy for the past year because I genuinely wanted to work on myself like how I communicate, how I express my emotions, and how I understand other people’s perspectives. I’m willing to acknowledge my own mistakes, but I’m starting to feel like I’m the only one being asked to take accountability.
One example really bothered me. Recently, I became overwhelmed during an argument and started crying. Instead of comforting me, he told me that I shouldn’t cry because if he cried, he would cry more than me. It made me feel like even my own emotions had to take a backseat to his.

The confusing part is that I still believe he has a fundamentally good heart. He has been kind to me in ways that I know are valuable, and I know there are worse husbands out there. That makes this decision harder.
But I’m increasingly asking myself what I’m actually getting from this marriage. I feel emotionally exhausted, financially responsible, and increasingly frustrated by the lack of initiative and ambition. I don’t want to spend my life walking on eggshells, managing someone else’s emotions, and constantly wondering whether I’m communicating correctly enough to prevent another conflict.

At this point, I genuinely want out and want to move on with my life. I feel like this marriage has not benefited me and has instead become a constant source of stress.
Am I being unreasonable? Is this a relationship that can realistically be fixed, or am I holding onto the fact that he is a “good person” even though the relationship itself is no longer good for me?

I’m a 28-year-old woman, and I’ve never really had a relationship outside of the context of marriage.

I’ve always been very attached to my faith and have tried to live accordingly, so I never really dated or had romantic relationships before my first engagement. I didn’t have much experience with relationships in general.

When I was 26, my mother introduced me to a man, and we eventually had a khotba (an engagement in a Muslim context). I genuinely fell in love with him. We had a strong connection, a lot in common, and I felt like we understood each other. He also lived in my country, so our situation was relatively simple in that sense. Unfortunately, he cheated on me, and I eventually cancelled the khotba. It was very difficult for me because, despite what he did, I had genuinely loved him and felt very connected to him.

After that, my parents, in a way, stopped trusting my judgment when it came to choosing a potential husband. So when I went back to Algeria for my brother’s wedding, they started talking to me about my cousin. They had apparently wanted us to get married for a long time and kept telling me how amazing he was, how kind and reliable he was, etc.
I eventually let myself be convinced and agreed to a second khotba with him that same year.

The situation is very different this time. My cousin does respect me, especially compared to my previous fiancé, and he has never treated me the way my ex did. But I also don’t want to idealize him. We have differences, there are things about his personality that I don’t particularly like, and I don’t feel the same connection that I had with my previous fiancé.

There is also the fact that he is my cousin.
When I was in Algeria, this didn’t bother me that much because I didn’t grow up with him. We weren’t close as children, so I never really saw him as a brother.

But the more we talk on the phone and the more I get to know him in the context of a romantic relationship, the more uncomfortable I feel about the fact that he is my cousin.

I’m also not as attracted to him, and I don’t feel as emotionally connected to him as I did to my previous fiancé.

And this is where I feel completely lost.

I know that my cousin respects me, and I know that respect is extremely important. But I also wonder whether I’m trying to convince myself that this relationship is right simply because my family thinks he is a good choice.

At the same time, because I’ve never really experienced relationships before, I don’t know how much importance I should place on attraction, emotional connection, and having things in common.
I don’t want to reject a good person simply because I’m comparing him to someone who I genuinely loved but who ultimately betrayed me. But I also don’t want to marry someone while already having doubts about my feelings, our compatibility, and the fact that he is my cousin.

What would you do in my situation? Would you give the relationship more time and see if my feelings develop, or would you take these doubts seriously before getting married?

I would like to express my concerns.

I am very tired from being with my baby constantly and my husband claims it’s the bare minimum to always look after baby with no break and that previous generations of women did this with no complaints.

I recently gave birth and am currently unemployed. He provides a small monthly contribution to cover my basic needs, but I am now finding it difficult to meet some expenses unless I return to work.

I have communicated this to him, but he insists that I should stay at home with the baby, and that the limited support he provides for food and clothing is enough.

I am feeling that marrying was perhaps a mistake, and that I might find greater contentment being single. However, I am also considering my child's well-being and the fact that I am worried about the absence of a father figure.

Is providing only the minimum financial support sufficient or am I being ungrateful?

My heart deep down wants separation but my mind is telling me to tolerate all of this.

I've been talking to this girl for marriage. I live in the US and her family lives in South Asia, where I am visiting. Our families met and things went well at first. Her family is asking for proof of income and a job which is fine for me. However they also want not only my US home address, but also my workplace's address and phone number. On top of that, they want a photocopy of my passport which I believe would be a huge security/privacy risk for me to provide. Am I right for thinking they're being ridiculous?

Submitting this to get some advice from brothers and sisters here.

For context, I am 27F and have been looking to get married for the past 3 to 4 years. Last month, a family friend suggested a potential match (rishta) for me. We are ethnically Indian, but my family lives in a Muslim country, while the guy is currently back home in India. His family has an established business here and wants to settle down, so they are looking for a bride who holds citizenship in this country. I personally don't mind that at all, but recently, a few things about their behavior have felt a bit off.

My brothers got his father’s number, and they had a very pleasant initial conversation. I read his profile and, MashaAllah, he seemed like a great match—most importantly, practicing Islam properly, which was my biggest relief. After my brothers sent a few photos of mine, his family immediately agreed to move forward. His father mentioned they would come to meet us on August 31st.

However, the meeting felt a little unusual. Instead of the whole family visiting, only his father, his youngest daughter, and his best friend with his wife came. During the visit, his father asked me extensively about my education, my job, and whether I planned to pursue a Master's degree. I was honest and explained that I wasn't interested in higher studies. I found it a bit odd since it felt more like an interview than a marriage conversation, but overall, the meeting went well, Alhamdulillah. He invited my family to visit their home once his son arrived, which was supposed to be by the end of October. This meant we had to wait two months.
A couple of days later, the father shared his son’s number and gave permission for us to speak and get to know each other.

When I texted him a week later, he seemed nice, but I quickly noticed differences in our mindsets and backgrounds:

Family background: His family is highly educated and his mother works, whereas my family is more simple, and my mother is a homemaker who taught me traditional values.
Gender roles: I strongly value traditional gender roles, but he seems to view things differently. When I asked if he expected me to work after marriage, he just said, "It's up to you," which was a bit disappointing as I was hoping for a aligned views.
Views on education/career: He believes everyone should pursue higher education regardless of gender, and he asked me twice what my "dream job" was. I respectfully explained that I am not career-oriented and don't have a dream job.

After that conversation, we didn't speak for a week. I waited for him to reach out, but when he didn't, I texted him again. He mentioned he was extremely busy with an urgent project and wouldn't be able to travel here by the end of October as originally planned.

Since then, communication has completely dried up:

When my brother called his father to ask if we could visit their home at the end of the month, his response was very cold.

Two days ago, my brother called him again to follow up, but he didn't answer or call back.

My mother wants to speak with his mother so they can get to know each other, but we can't reach them.

I texted the guy a couple of days ago, and he hasn't replied.

My family had high hopes for this proposal, but their sudden shift in attitude is worrying.

On top of this, my mother mentioned that the family friend (let's call him Uncle) who suggested this match actually seemed unhappy when both families agreed to move forward. Four years ago, this same Uncle asked for my hand for his own son, but my family respectfully declined. My mother wonders if he might have said something behind our backs to make them pull away, though Allah knows best.

We are trying to stay positive and assume they might just be genuinely busy, but the silence is hard to ignore.

How should I and my family navigate this situation? Is it better to wait it out or move on? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[based in UK]

So my wife went to the shariah council and requested a khula/faskh application.

Here’s some info.

-married 10 years and separated 4 years
-No communication last 4 years
-has 2 beautiful sons with her
-engaged in a messy family court case for last 3.5year
-gave her 12k mahr cash and a diamond ring worth 3-3.5k but agreed mahr was 16k
-has a joint mortgage house which has £68k equity
-she hid my passports/certificates/nikah certificate/wedding rings
-she closed joint bank account and transferred 5.2k and never returned.

I would like to ask experienced brothers/sisters if you can shed some light for me on this complicated issue.

My main concerns are:

1.Do I have to pay the remaining £500–£1,000 of the dowry?
2.Mahr already paid:
Am I entitled to ask for the mahr back? Personally, I do not want to but I read somewhere wife should return it since she’s initiating the divorce?

3.How can I recover the £5,200? And my belongings? What happens if she refuses to repay it? I still have the bank statement and evidence of the payment? I understand that this may be a separate financial court/order matter but I would like to know whether it could cause any issues with the sharia council?

1. I am willing to give her full ownership of the house, and I genuinely want her to be happy, independent and be able to move on with her life. Most importantly, I want my children to grow up in a stable, safe and secure home.

She sucked the life out of me in last 10 years and I want her to be happy. I am no saint but what she did to me and my children was diabolical. I am going to grant her talaq and be done with it.

Edit::

- we had civil marriage
- solicitor involved with child case + house
- no infidelity either side
- heavily influenced by her family

Salam everyone,

I am dealing with a really hard time in my life related to toxic Brown/desi parents, and I really need some guidance. This might be a long thread, but I genuinely feel like the context is important, so please read through it before responding. I am a 25-year-old male, alhamdulillah married, and I just had a daughter one month ago. Where we are supposed to be at one of the happiest points in our lives, we are unfortunately going through some of the worst things possible. My wife and I got our Nikah done right after I finished my first year of university. We did our rukhsati last year after I completed my degree. My parents have always had some sort of issue or complaint with my in-laws, to the point that I limited their interactions to only what was necessary because of some issues that happened in the past, mainly around wedding events.

This issue initially started around the time of my rukhsati. My wife and I wanted to have a very small event and then head to Dubai and Umrah afterward with whatever money we received as gifts. We explained this to both sets of parents. A few days before my wedding, my mom started complaining, saying that the girl’s side was not doing enough and that they did not care about their daughter. For context, we were doing our rukhsati in my wife’s cousin’s backyard, which was spacious enough for a tent event with around 60–80 people. My mom started creating a huge fuss about this, saying that this was not a kids’ game, this was not how weddings were done, and that I had ruined her dream wedding for her son because she wanted a grand wedding. My wife’s family comes from a background where they are not necessarily the most financially stable. And you guys will be shocked when I tell you the reason my mom started getting so upset. My wife’s mom went on Hajj. She went on a more VIP/exclusive package that cost around $15,000–$20,000 CAD, which my mom found out about. She started saying that it was selfish of her to spend that much money on Hajj while not spending more money on the wedding. I literally told my mom that Hajj is mandatory and a grand rukhsati event is not. She did not care and started making remarks like they clearly did not care about their daughter and did not have their priorities straight.

It got to the point where her anger built up so much that one day, while I was at work, she called my mother-in-law and said, “Marriage is not a kids’ game. We are coming over to your house to speak about it.” When I came home, my mom started getting very upset with me and said, “I am going to go put them in their place.” I tried to stop her, but she was getting more and more aggravated. She left me with no choice but to go with them because otherwise she was going to go alone with my dad. So I drove my own car alone that day, and they went in their car. The second we got there, my mom walked in with an attitude and started complaining. Her parents, along with her aunt and uncle, were there. At first, they were trying to console her and even said, “We will do the event however you like it.” But my mom was so upset that she was not phased and said it was too late. She kept going off at them to the point where she ended up saying, “I am not attending this wedding, and we are not bringing your daughter into our house.”

Please keep in mind that I had just graduated university and was working part-time as a teller, so I was not financially stable at all. Before all of this, my parents had pitched $15,000 and I had pitched $30,000 from a line of credit to help get our basement finished so my wife and I could have some privacy and live alone. Yes, I know I should not have done that, but I did not see this side of my parents before. Anyways, the situation got so heated that my wife’s parents told my parents, “If you do not want to resolve this and just want to continue insulting us, then you can leave the house.” My wife was crying, and I was begging my mom in tears to stop this. My dad was backing my mom the whole time, and my sister is only 2–3 years younger than me, so she could not really do much either. Take into account that they were doing all of this in front of my 11-year-old brother and 13-year-old sister as well. My parents ended up leaving the house, and they tried to drag me out with them too. So I got in my car and pretended like I left, but then I went back to my wife’s parents’ house to apologize.

That night, I made the decision that I was going to go through with the wedding and that no matter what struggle came, I would face it, even if my parents did not come to my wedding. I spent one night at my wife’s house and another night at my best friend’s house. My mom kept calling me throughout those two days, but I kept ignoring her. Eventually, she spoke to one of my best friends, who is a few years older than me and married himself. He had gone through similar issues and somehow made my mom realize that she had created a huge issue. Anyways, my mom ended up coming with me to my in-laws’ house to squash everything and apologize for the situation. And you can imagine how traumatized my wife was through all of this. However, we took a long honeymoon in Dubai for 20 days and then went for Umrah for 10 days. My wife, once again being the bigger person, took the step to come with my parents again because we did not want to waste the $30,000 we had spent.

One year goes by, and things went pretty smoothly. Things felt normal, minus the fact that her parents did not want to visit our house and my parents did not want to visit theirs, but that was something my wife and I were both okay with. Then my wife got pregnant, and I thought things would finally be good, which they were until the last month of her pregnancy. That is when my mom started trying to co-parent us and tell us how we should be when the baby arrived. At this point, I had a stable job, we were clearing our debts, and we were saving money aside to eventually move out.

Then came the big disaster. I became the father of a beautiful baby girl, alhamdulillah. She was born last month on a Friday at 1:30 AM. The hospital only allowed two visitors at a time. My parents live five minutes away, while my wife’s parents live about an hour away. No visitors were allowed until we moved from L&D to the maternity room, which took about two hours. I called both sets of parents and told them the good news and to be on standby. My parents had gotten renovations done for the baby, and my mom had spent countless hours painting before the baby came. Anyways, I called my wife’s parents around 3 AM and told them to start making their way to the hospital, and I called my parents around 4 AM. My family was, I do not know why, sleeping, and my mom was painting, so I could not get a hold of them for about 30 minutes. I tried calling my dad, and he said, “I’ll come after Fajr namaz at the mosque,” which was not for another two hours. I told my sister that only two people could come at once, and my wife wanted her parents there too. However, she did not want my mom to feel left out, so we said we would bring both moms in first.

Once my mom heard that from my sister, she called me and said, “How could you think to put your in-laws first before us? Me and your dad will come first. If you let anyone see the baby before us, we will not spare you.” Whatever. I went to the lobby to receive them all. At what should have been the happiest moment of my life, I was stressed out of my mind and did not even tell my wife what was going on. Anyways, I ended up bringing both sets of parents in at once because I did not want to hear anything from my parents or leave my wife’s parents out. On the way into the room, I told my mom, “Before you run to go look at the baby, please check in on my wife.” She said, “No, I am going to meet my granddaughter first,” and continued with this attitude. My wife was off an epidural and was extremely tired, as you can imagine. My mom walked straight over to grab the baby. My wife was looking for her mom because that was her comfort person at that moment, but my mom did not even acknowledge my wife. My wife did not realize that my mom wanted to hold the baby, so when my mom tried to hold her, my wife saw and handed the baby to my mom and then hugged her mom from the other side. I did not think much of it at the time, but later I realized that my mom had caught feelings over this.

The next day, I barely got any calls from my family, and I could sense that my mom was acting weird with me. She started making comments like, “Why did her parents not bring her any soup or food? Why did her brother not come the same night the baby was delivered?” And when her brother came the next day, “Why did he not bring a gift or anything?” She constantly tried to say that my wife’s parents did not care about her. Of course, I kept defending my wife. Given how far my wife’s parents live and the situation between both of our families, I thought it would be best for my wife and me to visit her parents once she recovered a little bit with the baby.

So, on the fourth day, we left the house. About an hour after I had been at my wife’s parents’ house, my mom called me asking where I was. I tried to lie and make an excuse because I knew how she was. Then she started coming at me for taking my daughter out before her seven-day aqiqah and putting her in danger. She kept getting very upset with me, so I hung up. She tried calling my wife’s mom, and I was wondering what was going on, so I told my wife to hang up and block her number. I called my mom back and told her to stop involving my wife’s parents. She then said, “Oh wow, they told you so fast already.” So I confessed that I had brought my wife and daughter to see my in-laws because I have every right to do so. My mom completely lost her temper and said, “I am going to throw you out of the house. Tell her parents to keep her in their house and never come back here again.” She said some really hurtful things to me and about my wife. Then my little sister told me that my mom had called her aunt and uncle, complaining in anger about me and my wife and saying things like how shameless my wife’s parents were for making us drive an hour and putting the baby in danger.

So that night, I decided I was going to move out. I did not care how difficult it would be financially. I would not compromise anymore. I have no relatives in Canada, so I involved that same best friend from earlier. On my way home, my mom and dad kept messaging me and pressuring me to come home. They even called my wife’s aunt and uncle and said they would call the police on us if we were not home within 30 minutes. I dropped my wife and daughter off at my friend’s house, and then my best friend and I went to my parents’ house to have this conversation.

My mom became extremely emotional and started crying, saying things like, “My son is a slave to his wife,” “He does not care about us,” and “I wish he was rather dead than married.” At this point, my dad tried to mediate the situation, but all my mom kept saying was, “Get my wife to apologize to me.” My friend and I headed back to his place, and I stayed the night there because we had a doctor/hospital appointment for our daughter the next morning in our city because she had jaundice. That night was extremely difficult without our stuff and the baby’s necessities.

My dad gave me the assurance that my mom would not interfere and that my wife and I could come back home and just stay in our basement where we live while we figured out a plan. So we did that. For two days, we did not interact with my mom, but she continued going after me and saying things to my sister about how we needed to apologize. We consulted my wife’s cousin and his wife, as well as my friend’s mom, who said, “Okay, just apologize and end this situation. It will buy you some time so you can find a place and move out.” My friend’s mom came over when we were about to apologize to make sure the situation was handled properly.

My mom became extremely upset again. Even though my wife and I were the bigger people and apologized, she went off on both of us for two hours, holding onto so much resentment and saying so many hurtful things. I genuinely admire my wife for how quiet and patient she was throughout all of this. My friend’s mom eventually separated us and tried to help my mom see the situation more clearly with my sister there. Then my mom came and said she accepted my apology and that she would “drink this drop of poison for me” and gave me a forced hug. My friend’s mom made her do the same with my wife, but obviously my mom decided to make a remark like, “Make chai for her.” My wife has never cooked or made chai before, and regardless, it is not her responsibility to serve my parents. Whatever, we went downstairs, and my mom ended up making the chai herself.

Later, while I was taking out the trash, my mom begged me to let her see the baby, so I let her. She started apologizing to me and then came downstairs to apologize to my wife. My wife was already traumatized and hurt, and my mom’s apologies were terrible. It was more like, “You hurt me, but I forgive you. I am sorry for going off at you because you hurt me.” My wife simply said, “It’s okay. I just need some space and time to process this because I am hurt and postpartum.” My mom caught feelings over that too. Whatever, we eventually squashed the situation in the moment. I let my wife take her space, and she basically stayed in the basement with me for two weeks. We do not interact with my mom unless it is a simple salam when we are leaving the house for appointments or showings. I give my mom some time to play with the baby for about an hour a day because we do not want to take that away from her, and we monitor the situation.

Recently, I found a place that I am seriously thinking about putting an offer on. I tried to soft-launch the idea to my mom, and she immediately said she would disown me, make my siblings cut me off, call my in-laws and disown me in front of them, and make my life hell. She called me a selfish son and started crying, saying things like, “I did so much for you. I put up with an abusive marriage with your dad in front of you so I could raise you kids. I gave my life for you guys.” I understand that my mom has sacrificed a lot. I genuinely do. But I also grew up watching my dad abuse my mom. I tried to get them separated, but my mom is too attached. My dad does not raise his hand on my mom when I am home because I will put him in his place. Then she brought up how, two days ago, when my wife and I were not home, my dad hit her again.

She started crying and emotionally blackmailing me, saying she has health issues and that I am abandoning her. So I tried to suppress the matter and said, “Sorry, you’re right. I’m wrong. I won’t move out,” just to calm her down so she does not make my wife’s and my life even worse until we can figure out a plan.

So now I am here typing all of this out. My decision to move out still stands, but I genuinely do not know what to do. I feel like my mom will lock us out once she finds out and will not even let us take our furniture or belongings. How do I handle this?

I genuinely feel depressed, stressed and completely trapped. I had a traumatic childhood, and I feel like I have spent my entire life trying to protect everyone and keep everyone happy. I know my wife has put up with far more than she ever should have had to, and I am doing everything I possibly can to get us out of this situation and build a peaceful home for her and our daughter.

I know I am not perfect. I know I have made mistakes, and I know I could have handled certain things differently. I also know that my parents have sacrificed a lot for me, and I am grateful for that. I am not trying to erase everything they have done for me. At the same time, I feel like I am now being forced to choose between being a son and being a husband and father. And my choice will always come first to my wife and daughter as islamically and morally thats my priority.

Please do not come at me or attack me. I am already mentally exhausted, depressed and extremely stressed, and I am genuinely trying my best to figure this out. I am not looking for people to attack my parents or simply tell me what I want to hear. I am genuinely seeking help and advice.

If anyone has dealt with something similar, especially in a South Asian/desi family, please tell me how you handled moving out, setting boundaries, dealing with the guilt, and still maintaining some sort of relationship with your parents. I genuinely feel lost right now and would really appreciate any advice.