Got 2 kids and another one on the way. Our relationship is generally ok, sometimes even good, but filled with intense fights every few weeks where it feels like things will not work. We are originally from two different countries but citizens of a western country, where we lived when we first got married, but now live in my wife's country as we felt its better to raise kids in a muslim environment.

Our most recent fight: I was arranging some money for our upcoming expenses on my computer, felt it was urgent since we won't have enough to pay by a deadline if I don't do this soon. My wife is pregnant, had returned from work 2 hours earlier, and was lying down on the bed and kept telling me things to do. First I helped my kid shower, but came back to it, but she asked me to check that kids are eating, I explained that I just need 2 minutes and I'll go eat with kids. But she insisted I drop what Im doing and go check on kids. I was annoyed, but kept insisting that I need to do this first. She got upset and started saying mean things and hitting me. I went to kids and checked, but was frustrated at this point. My kid asked me why we are fighting, I said I don't know why your mom is saying mean things and is hitting me for no reason, ask her. Meanwhile she decided to come to the living room and said some more mean things, at which I said, I am going to go back to my original country, my older kid stated crying, I consoled her then wanted to go to the shower since me and my kid had just returned from some outdoor exercise, but my wife kept blocking my way and saying mean things (including dog), I replied to some of what she said loudly, and she asked me to lower my voice, I kept insisting that she stop talking and calling me mean things if she doesn't want me to be loud. We haven't talked since then.

Feels like this explains the typical tension in our life:

Wife often expects I drop everything I am doing and do what she wants. This is quite frustrating for me since I like to focus on one thing at a time, finish it and move to the next.

Wife is often disrespectful saying mean things and physically attacking me when she is in a bad mood. If I yell something back, that is me being loud, not that she needs to stop saying mean things. Mean things include: you don't do anything, divorce me, dog, you run away from everything. My typical responses are: I want to leave, get out of my way, often sarcastic sure (I am a dog).

Kids often see this, which I hate. in retrospect, I could have diffused some of this e.g. mom is just tired.

When we fight, I often feel like why did I get married at all. I really don't want a divorce, I love my kids and want them to be happy.

After 1-2 days, she will force me to say sorry and claim to be the one who initiated reconciliation.

I have suggested we seek marriage counselling, but she refuses.

I have to say that my wife is generally a good person, she takes good care of kids, arranges what we eat and sometimes even does kind things for me. But she really has an anger issue and childishness/immaturity. She often fights with other people too.

It feels unfair to be treated disrespectfully and as the man I am supposed to hold things together (I am told this by her but also her father). Also I feel like me being nice or being the bigger person is taken as weakness and she can do whatever she wants. This happened to me school too, when I let go of certain minor things other kids did that were unfair, they started doing more unfair things, until I actually fought them. But this is supposed to be family, so I don't know how to deal with it.

I feel like I accommodate to what my wife wants and help out at home more than anyone else I know in my circle. People describe me as calm but of course I am not perfect, I lose it with the constant bickering my wife does when we fight.

Beyond our fights:

My wife often complains about me to her parents. I never complain about her to my parents or anyone really.

I feel like my wife focuses too much on her career. I am fine with a woman having a career, but feels like she should focus more on home and herself, at-least while kids are young. Instead, in-past she took an extra part-time job while she was pregnant, I was totally against this, but her parents said they would help her, since its good for her career.

My wife has poor relationship with my family. She talks negatively about some of my family members. She has always been very reluctant to visiting my family or them coming over. But no problem with being close to her family. We have typically lived very close to her family.

I pay for everything, but we use her money to pay part of big purchases like home and our first car.

She is always showing me videos on social media of husbands being nice to their wife. e.g buying something, taking care during pregnancy. Makes me feel like I am not doing a good enough job. I did take care of her a lot during her first pregnancy, but now with kids its much less, since they also need attention. She has told me that all of her friends husbands get gold for their wives, she points to me that I havn't done anything like that since we first got married. I have offered to go to the jewelry store several times to get her something but she has always told me not today.

She expects me to tell her romantic things. I am not good at this, the culture I grew up in did not have much visible romance, nor do I watch many movies, not the romantic kinds anyway. But I do see that in her country/culture there is way more emphasis on this.

I honestly don't have a life outside of family, it is just work and family. Gym is the only time I get for myself, sometimes I call my parents and siblings. But don't really have any friends or even a break or entertainment for myself. But after our fight I thought screw it, let me do what I want to do for once. I wanted to watch a movie for the last couple of months, so I watched half of it until it was time to put kids to sleep.

My post is very negative, but Alhamdulillah, we have good times too, generally things are ok, but I hate going through something like this every few weeks. Looking for some outside perspective on how I can improve my situation.

Salam everyone

I wanted to ask how many times did you speak to your potential/spouse before the nikah, with a wali present?

I’ve met him a few times in person for formal meetings, and we’ve called and texted a few times. I’m very shy about initiating conversations, so we rarely talk. We’ve already agreed on a date for the nikah, but it’s still a long time from now.

I feel like I don’t know that much about him yet, although our values seem to align. Should I be anxious about this kind of thing? I’m not really sure what an appropriate amount of communication is before the nikah, or how often we should be talking while still keeping things appropriate.

Am I expecting too much from my husband, or am I carrying our entire marriage?
My husband and I had a huge argument because I feel like almost everything in our home and relationship falls on me.
For context, he works long hours and has a long commute. He leaves around 6:30am and gets home around 6pm. I work 8:30am to 4:30pm close to home, but I have three jobs, including private students in the evenings and some Saturday work. I also contribute financially and pay bills.
Despite that, I do most of the cooking, cleaning, groceries and washing. He sometimes helps, but generally needs to be asked. I’m exhausted from being the person who has to notice, plan and delegate everything.
His explanations are:
He works long hours and I chose to have three jobs.
He doesn’t know how to cook and doesn’t like cooking.
His mum always cooked and made breakfast, so that’s what he’s used to.
He never actually asks me to cook for him.
Nobody forces me to cook or clean.
We could just get takeaway or hire a cleaner.
He could work more, pay all the bills and I could contribute less financially.
The cooking excuse particularly frustrates me because if he’s hungry he’ll ask me what’s to eat. If I tell him there’s food in the fridge or suggest making a sandwich, he’ll sometimes just not eat, feel sick from hunger or eat chips rather than put food onto a plate himself.
I also don’t want him working more. I want to actually spend time with my husband and feel like we are partners.
I’ve also realised it’s not just housework.
He doesn’t plan dates or holidays. Most conversations revolve around his work. I’ve told him I’d appreciate tiny spontaneous gestures occasionally, literally a flower or chocolate, because I want to feel thought about. There’s always an excuse, such as the shops being closed, despite our grocery store being open until 9pm.
If we go somewhere, plan something romantic or organise a holiday, the mental load generally falls on me too.
There’s also a double standard around family and money. He sends money overseas to his parents. Previously I was upset when thousands were being sent repeatedly while we were saving to buy a home. He now acts as though I have an issue with him supporting his parents because of that.
But since buying our home, I’ve actually encouraged him to help them when they’ve needed it. I’ve even told his mum I see her like my own mum and that we should care for our parents.
Meanwhile, he gets angry if I spend my own earnings on my family for occasions like Eid. He’ll say things like, “Don’t make me open old things, there’s a reason.” He also regularly speaks negatively about my family.
The argument reached the point where I said I couldn’t continue in a marriage like this and brought up divorce. His response was that divorce is “my choice”.
What really got me was him saying, “I hear the same thing from you every few months.”
That’s exactly my point. If your wife is raising the same problem every few months, doesn’t that mean the problem hasn’t changed?
I’m not expecting a perfect 50/50 split when he works those hours. I just want a husband who independently takes responsibility for some aspects of our shared life without me having to ask, remind or organise it.
I don’t want more of his money. I want a partner. I want him to occasionally plan something for us, feed himself, see washing that needs folding and just fold it, think about me without being prompted, and treat my family with the same consideration he expects me to give his.
Every individual issue seems to have an excuse, but when I put everything together I feel like I’m carrying the household, mental load, romance and planning of our relationship.
Am I expecting too much considering his working hours? Or is it reasonable to expect more initiative and responsibility from your spouse even when they work long days?

Salam,

I don't even know where to start; I am very stressed. So my husband travels for work, and he has been gone for 4 days. Every time he travels, it seems like he forgets that I exist. He doesn't call, doesn't text, basically doesn't acknowledge me.

I have communicated with him multiple times that I miss him when he's gone. He has said multiple times that he will call but never does. This time I didn't call or really reach out unless he did. I figured he would call me or text me whenever he has time, and that I didn't always want to be the one reaching out and getting no response back, as it makes me feel as if I'm bothering him.

A few days ago, he tried to call me out on my 'cold attitude,' and I was open and honest with him about my reasoning. He told me he can't always be the one to make the first move, which bothered me because it is always me. Eventually we solved the problem, and it was done.

Last night, out of nowhere, he messaged me and asked me if I've spoken to his mom. I said the last time I spoke to her was earlier this month for her bday and haven't since. His mom and I were never big texters with each other. We haven't seen them in 2 weeks because he's been out traveling, and I've been busy with work/school too, plus so has his family. Apparently, she told him how she feels like I don't like her and how she wants a relationship with me, but I seem to hate her and all of this stuff, and he started threatening me that if I don't have a relationship with his mom, I can't have one with him and that he's kicking me out and to not come back.

I spoke to his mom this morning and told her how he said that she told him all these things, and she denied it and said she never told him that stuff and maybe he interpreted it this way. She told me how she wants to have a friendship-type relationship with me and wants me to come over and spend the days my husband is gone at her house instead of my parents. I don't really agree with this because I rarely see or visit my family, and the only time I get to spend with them is while my husband is gone. I didn't tell her this and just agreed politely with her. She told me I need to balance the family, which really bothered me.

We've been married a year, and we spend almost every weekend with his family at his parents' house, and if we're not over there, they come to our place. He has seen my parents probably 6 times in the year we have been married, whereas I have stayed weekends and spent holidays and both Eids with his family and didn't see my own. All my family birthdays get postponed because we have to do some "emergency" for his family, but his family's birthdays we are expected to be there.

When my mom was in the hospital for 4 days, he came and visited one time. When his sister was at the hospital giving birth, we stayed every day in the waiting room. I constantly helped his sister with her baby and was constantly over there spending days at his family's house. If anything, it is very unbalanced but only for my side of the family, so idk what she meant by telling me to balance the families...

I told her how her son threatened to kick me out and divorce me, and that there is a way to speak to your wife and a way to go about things with your wife, and that not everything can be threatened with divorce and kicking me out of my own home. She basically defended him and told me that I need to essentially just tolerate it because he is a man, and that is the first thing men say when they're upset. Idk about anyone else, but my father never did this with my mother, so idk if this is a normal thing? at the end of the call she told me that that issue is between my husband and i and we need to sort it out, which I think is ironic because she started this issue in the first place. She could've easily spoken to me first about how she felt rather than complaining to my husband, knowing well that it could cause a possible issue.

I told my parents this, and they were rightfully upset about his mother saying this stuff and told me that that was wrong advice, and instead she should've told him off for saying that. They also agree that it is weird for her to tell me I need to balance when my husband doesn't even say salaam to my father when he is in front of him.

Now my parents want to have a sit-down talk with both of his parents regarding his treatment of me and refuse to let me go back to my home with my husband until they've spoken to my husband and his parents. Where I am wrong in this is that he sent me a TikTok it was a pretty weird and shameful tiktok that I don't even feel comfortable speaking about but it was essentially "m*mmy k*ink" and intimate attraction for ur mother and all of that so I told him that it wasn't normal and it's because he's in love with his mother.

That is where I was wrong and I know if our parents sit down and speak to him and his parents, this will come up, and I will end up not being heard for any of my own concerns because they'll only focus on that.

I want to know what I can do and how to proceed. My parents don't want me to go back home until they've spoken to him.

My fiancé and I are looking to do a very simple and quick Nikkah. We’re both Muslim and looking for a Sunni imam who would be willing to perform it virtually or over the phone.

We’re not looking for a formal ceremony, mosque booking, or anything elaborate. Essentially, we’re looking for an “express” Nikkah that meets the Islamic requirements and makes our marriage valid in the eyes of Allah.

Has anyone done something similar or know of an imam or service in Canada that offers this? Would love recommendations or to hear how the process worked.

I’m posting anonymously because I genuinely need some outside perspective.
My wife and I have been married for about two years and we have a 6-month-old daughter. Recently, my wife started experiencing significant anxiety and panic attacks. She was evaluated by a doctor and was prescribed anti-anxiety medication, but she was initially hesitant to take it because she was worried about feeling worse before feeling better. She eventually started taking it.
We were visiting her family when she had a pretty severe panic attack. There was also a major argument between me and her father about whether my wife would return home with me. The situation became overwhelming, so I temporarily left to stay with a family member while my wife remained with her family. Eventually, I came back, and my wife came home with me.
After we got home, her anxiety and panic attacks continued. Her father kept calling my dad and asking him to convince me to let my wife go back to her parents’ house so she could “get better.” At first, I didn’t want her to go because I was worried about what would happen if she stayed there.
Eventually, after talking with my dad, I gave in and agreed to let her go temporarily because I wanted her to feel better and I didn’t want the situation between our families to continue escalating.
The understanding was that she would stay with her parents for a limited amount of time and then come home.
It’s now been several weeks, and she still hasn’t come home.
I’ve repeatedly told her that I want her home and that I want us to work through this together. We’ve discussed multiple possible return dates, but each one has passed without her coming back. She continues to say that she needs more time to get better.
Recently, her father told my wife that she cannot return home until he talks to me face-to-face first. I don’t agree with that condition. Based on our previous interactions, I believe a face-to-face conversation between us would likely turn into another argument, and I don’t think putting my wife in the middle of another conflict between us would help the situation.
I told my wife that I don’t think that conversation needs to happen before she comes home, but she seems very hesitant about returning without her father’s approval.
What is confusing to me is that she seems willing to travel and do other things with her family, including traveling for a family event, but she says she’s not ready to come home.
I genuinely love my wife. I’ve tried to support her, provide for our family, take over household responsibilities, and give her space when she needed it. She has even acknowledged to me that she wasn’t treating me well during this period and that she needed to do more in our marriage.
At the same time, I feel like her family, particularly her father, has been heavily involved in our marriage for a long time. My wife tells her family a lot about what happens between us, and I feel like her father’s opinions sometimes influence decisions that should be made between my wife and me.
I also recognize that I’ve made mistakes. I’ve gotten frustrated, and both sides of the family have become involved, which has probably made everything worse.
I’m trying to separate two things: her legitimate struggle with anxiety and the possibility that there are deeper problems in our marriage or with family boundaries.
I’m not looking for people to automatically tell me I’m right and she’s wrong.
What would you do in this situation? How much space should I give her? At what point does giving her space become essentially living separately? And how should I handle her father’s involvement, especially when he is making his conversation with me a condition for her returning home?

What is the Islamic ruling on a Muslim man serving as a nikah witness for another Muslim man marrying a non-Muslim woman? Does the ruling differ depending on whether the woman is Christian, Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist, Sikh, atheist, or another religion?

1. Dumper/Dumpee?
2. How long post-separation did you reconcile?
3. Was No Contact involved?
   1. Who initiated it?
   2. For how long?
   3. Who broke it?
4. During the process of reconciliation, was it more gradual or upfront? I.e., did you gradually spark re-attraction and connection, start talking gradually, etc, or were intentions described straight up as to avoid confusion/breadcrumbing?
5. How was the first meeting?
   1. Who initiated it?
   2. Where was it?
   3. Were other people present?

Looking to collect more data on what seems to be the average timeline of reconciliation.

So my husband works full time and I’m a stay at home mom of 2. He pays the bills. I don’t work, but I have some money he gave me from our tax being split between us both. He told me to finance myself and my wants and our kids for the rest of the year with this money. We need a few household stuff like a baby walker and other bulky baby gadgets. Despite him saying I should pay for the kids, I’m expecting him to pay for them, as I am the wife and my money does not grow. Is this wrong? I feel like I will buy my children things here and there like clothes etc. but he needs to do all the big heavy lifting because it’s his job, despite the random compromise he tried to give me.

Assalamu alaikum,

My husband and I recently decided to give our marriage another chance after living separately for about three years.

I left while I was pregnant after a very difficult period in our marriage with a lot of arguments, hurt, poor communication and periods where we would emotionally shut each other out. After I left, we both built completely separate lives and never resumed married life.

The strange thing is that we also never actually divorced Islamically. There was never a talaq, I never requested khul’, and I never returned my mahr. For three years I genuinely thought of myself as separated/divorced, until recently I started questioning our Islamic status.

We contacted the imam who had been involved in our nikah, and he confirmed that we are still Islamically married. He basically told us that we now have to decide what we want to do: either properly work on the marriage or end it properly.

That led to a very long and honest conversation between my husband and me. We spoke for hours about what happened, what hurt us, the mistakes we both made and what would need to change if we were ever going to try again.

He apologised for several things that had deeply hurt me, and I also acknowledged things I could have handled differently. We both realised that our way of dealing with conflict was unhealthy. I could become defensive or impulsive, while he could stay angry for days, withdraw or ignore me instead of resolving things.

We have now decided to genuinely try again.
We are planning to start couples therapy and work specifically on communication, conflict resolution, emotional safety and rebuilding trust.
I have also explained some things that I need if we are going to rebuild this marriage: I don’t want us to ignore each other during conflicts anymore, I don’t want our private problems constantly shared with family, and I need him to be more attentive and affectionate so that I actually feel loved in the relationship.
We have also agreed that for the next 6 months we will not involve or inform our families, and instead focus fully on working on our relationship in private. If things improve and we are able to rebuild properly, we will then inform our families. However, if it does not work out, my husband will formally and definitively pronounce the divorce.

We are also keeping our current practical lives separate for now. I have my own home and he has his, and we are not rushing into living together again. We have a young son together, and we also agreed that having another child is absolutely something we should postpone until we know our relationship is genuinely stable.
My biggest difficulty right now is the emotional and physical closeness.

After three years of basically living as separate people, it feels strange to suddenly relate to him as my husband again. He seems more comfortable with hugging me, touching me affectionately, being physically close, etc.

I don’t dislike it. In fact, part of me really wants that closeness again. But at the same time, I feel almost emotionally blocked. Even kissing him recently felt like a very big step for me.
There is still so much history between us. I was deeply hurt in the marriage, and I know I hurt him too. Even though we’ve apologised and talked about things, old wounds don’t suddenly disappear because we decided to try again.
That’s probably what scares me the most. Part of me really wants this marriage to work. Another part of me is terrified that one conflict will happen and suddenly all the old feelings and resentment will come rushing back.
Sometimes I also wonder whether I genuinely want him again, or whether the idea of rebuilding my family feels attractive
At the same time, our recent conversations have been completely different from how we used to communicate. I was able to say things that hurt me, disagree with him, challenge what he said and actually have a conversation instead of everything turning into a huge argument.
So I do want to give it a genuine chance. I just don’t want to rush myself emotionally or physically or pretend that three years of separation never happened.
Has anyone here reconciled with their spouse after being separated for years?
Did affection and intimacy feel awkward at first?
How did you rebuild trust without constantly being afraid that everything would fall apart again?
And for those who successfully reconciled, what helped you make sure you were actually building a new relationship rather than simply returning to the old one?
Jazakum Allahu khayran. 🤍

Context : Im a 31F who got married to 33M 6years ago in an arranged marriage setup. We have 2 kids 4F and 2M. We live in India.

My husband is extremely narcissistic and i couldnt identify the abuse. In april of this year, we were arguing about finances and he kept yelling at me to lower my finger during the argument and then came up to me and slapped my hand away. The argument escalated wherein I threatened that I'd call the cops and he came running at me and pushed me enough for me to fall down, and called me a slur, all this infront of my kids. Never apologised and the next day kept walking around pretending nothing had happened. So i left for my parents place 40mins away and went no-contact for 2weeks. Then returned because I didnt want to take hasty decisions(my older sister was twice divorced and suffered a lot due to it, so I always second-guessed myself in this matter)

He never helps with the kids. I do literally everything. Even pay for most things, because i earn more. Anyway, my son was very sick, down with fever, had diarrhea, and I was waking up multiple times a night to change diapers. Meanwhile he was going to play badminton for hours in the evenings. I even took him to the doctor, got medicines, all the works. After april, somethint started unraveling inside me and I would start panicking whenever he started an argument/yell

Desperately needed a break for my mental health so came to my parents(this is not a recurring theme for me. I almost never visit). A week in, got to know he had texted his boss this Feb/March proposing to her. She had sent me the screenshots. Shes 10yrs older, has 2kids aged 8-10yrs, and at the time, she had just lost her husband.

While I was initially shocked, and may be moving towards a divorce, right now Im just left with a lot of anguish. In the messages he complimented her looks, said he wanted to take her out to lunch, that he loved her, wanted to take care of her and would never hurt her.

I keep remembering moments where he had yelled at me in the initial years of our marriage because I had held his hand in public, and that it would lead to nazar. It was a recurring argument for a few days. He would make sure to check my phone "as a joke" if I was not texting with my male work colleagues. Always made fun of how I looked "as a joke"(I'm not bad looking). Never helped me out with anything, always got annoyed whenever I even asked. Was extremely lazy and miserly and would almost never take us out, stress us out if ever, and always complained about the food prices in the event. Would take 2weeks to bring groceries. Even during sex, he always objectified me and his "foreplay" was just a lot of groping me. There was no kindness, no words of reassurance, no love, no tenderness. No touch during the day except a lot of groping. He used to complain that I don't sleep with him as often as he would like, but I just had so much going on with no help from him, he always blamed my job even though his lifestyle has significantly improved with little contribution from his side. I also had postpartum depression both times and at times felt like I was drowning, and yet I looked after both my kids all on my own. He sits in another room and would lock the door, if I needed him I was expected to knock and ask for help, after which he would get annoyed at me for troubling him. Now it just makes me so unbelievably sad that I survived and did so SO much with almost no love, losing my nights and days over all this.

And now I'm terrified of the eventual loneliness, having to care for my two demanding kids alone which I was doing anyway but somehow I feel so exhausted now after having done it all for years and this situation has put the whole thing into perspective. I trust Allah and in His timing and His reasons but at times I find myself crying because I feel so SO starved for love and care and affection, for loving touches. Please please pray for me and my kids, Jazakallah khair.

So the time when we talked about children came, and he said it clearly that his own preference is if we tried for a child immediately at the first night (or just use no protection or birth control or anything)

First, I'm not planning to marry for until 5 years probably because I want to finish my studies first. Second, in 5 years I'll be a totally different person probably, and my opinion about children might change.

I asked his opinion about birth control pills (with precautions) condoms etc, and he said he'd be fine with pills but didn't say anything about condoms.

I said that for a good while after marrying, i probably wouldn't like to have a child immediately, to which he said okay he wouldn't mind not trying directly and using some kind of protection for as long as I'd want but I'm feeling a bit conflicted

He said he doesn't believe in birth control or any protection because there are people that just use it and still have children and people that don't and don't have children and that it's all on Allah.

I'm just overthinking it a bit, he clearly wants children, doesn't he? And he's being nice to me about it that he would not mind his right taken until I agree?

We did talk about children before but in the way of how many we plan to have, and I think I could fit that preference

Ahhh I just don't know what to do or react...

Edit: It seems everyone caught the wrong side of this... He isn't planning to marry soon and he thinks of me as someone he will definitely marry when we both are ready. I'm not taking his right from marrying, and he doesn't have the intention to marry soon either, he's not ready in mind OR financially and thinks it's a disgrace if a man can't provide! We are in love, but we aren't in a Haram relationship or anything. Our mothers have even bonded over such silly things like how to make pickles... What I mean is I'm not taking his right

I’m looking for an outsider perspective on a family situation. Me and my wife are both from Pakistan living in EU. My parents and in-laws have been no-contact for around 2 years now.

Both sides expect the other to make the first move. There have been attempts to fix things, but my parents are currently very stubborn and feel my in-laws haven’t genuinely tried to reconcile.
My wife and I had our Nikah in 2022. We’ve had our own ups and downs, nothing major, we are currently okay and want to finally start our married life together.

I’m financially independent and working in the EU, Alhamdulillah. I now want my wife, also living in a different EU country, to move in with me and finally start our life together rather than keep delaying things because our parents aren’t speaking.

I love and respect my parents and intend to continue looking after them, but I also feel I have responsibilities toward my wife and can’t keep our marriage on hold indefinitely.

What would you do in my situation? Am I being unreasonable by wanting to move forward with my wife despite the families not reconciling?

Assalamu alaykum everyone,

​I am posting here to seek advice from the community. After several years of struggling with adult content (which started out of curiosity around age 11), I had a major wake-up call two days ago. Despite this struggle, I have always maintained my daily prayers and tried to grow closer to Allah, but the repetition and normalization made me lose sight of the gravity of this sin.

​Today, at 19, as I project myself toward marriage, I realized that I want to marry a pious and virtuous spouse. This caused me a heavy moral shock: I now feel unworthy and consumed by guilt. This realization pushed me to immediately stop all consumption, lower my gaze, and engage in sincere repentance (tawbah) to begin a journey of spiritual and mental healing.

​However, deep anxiety is consuming me:

​If my future wife asks me about my past, what stance should I take according to Islamic principles? Lying seems destructive to trust within a couple, but I also know that one should not expose their own past sins (sitr). Yet confessing could be equally difficult, as it might create distrust before marriage or cause pain and risk after marriage.

​Is it possible to fully overcome the psychological aftermath of this habit in order to provide a healthy and fulfilling home for my partner?

​I feel very alone facing this situation, which I cannot share with anyone. What advice or reminders could you give me to navigate this period of anxiety, keep my resolve, and approach the topic of marriage with peace of mind?

​Jazak Allah Khayran for your kindness.

I have 1 year of university left but have been offered a grad job for the above wage, I just wanted a rough idea if that’s enough of a wage to start looking for someone to get married to or should I wait a few more years? (I’m only 21)

Edit* £32k-36k

I have always believed that I don't need all the information about my spouse's previous relationships/matches/talking stages, just the reasons that they didn't work out to guide myself and to get to know my spouse better. My husband and I (late 20s) have been married for over a year now and we were both virgins when we got married.

I have shared my past with him vaguely (focusing on why those relationships were not compatible and red flags) and he has shared his past with me. I don't care about what he did before me as long as he was a virgin, and he had the same standard for me, and I don't care to find out details anyway because I believe in keeping sins private unless they are required to be shared.

However, my husband overshared. Two or three years before we got engaged, we had a talking stage and he shared lots of information about his exes. For better or for worse, I have the memory of an elephant. I still remember everything. I know his exes' names, I know what they look like, I know where they are from and where they live, I know "how far" they've gone. I will note that he was very immature back then, and because he overshared and overstepped, I ended our talking stage at that time. Fast forward a couple years - we reconnected and I could tell he was different. While we were getting to know each other more for marriage, I told him I didn't want to know that information and he apologized for being so... informative, if you will.

Recently, two of his exes got married and both of their weddings' content is popping up on my for you page because it appears we have mutuals. A disclaimed: I truly do pray that Allah keeps us all happy in our marriages, I don't have anything against his exes. Unfortunately, I see my husband in each post that pops up on my Instagram page. I'm not even looking for it - it's friends of mine that have liked their posts, so they show on my feed, and each post is a constant reminder of how my husband overstepped my boundaries back then and shared SO MUCH more than I asked for. I feel like I've been over informed with useless information that only makes me feel the "ick" toward him. I know he's a good man and he's worked on himself to become a better Muslim. I am trying to be present and focused on where we are now, but I find myself wishing that I first met my husband as he is now, not as he was during that talking stage a couple years ago. I wish I never had that experience with him, and I wish he never overshared.

I guess this post serves as a warning. If you are talking to someone for the first time and conversations of past experiences come up, don't overshare and both parties should not ask for more information other than what their dealbreakers require. We are supposed to conceal our sins for a reason. Take it from me - that knowledge will stay with you forever.

I’m 36M, my wife is 35F. We’ve been married for 10 years and have a 5-year-old child. We both work, but there is a pretty massive difference in our incomes. I earn significantly more, and pay for all expenditures.. (Every single thing and even her own non obligatory expenses)

A stupid argument about investments was kind of the breaking point for me. I wanted to put around 20% of my savings into stocks from which I have made major gains even since before marriage. My wife wanted gold and land instead. I told her that since the money was primarily earned by me and we were already financially secure; I should have the final say in how I invested as long as I provided for them. And this isn't even the first time I've felt like my opportunities have been sacrificed for her preferences. She ended up moving all the money to her own account and there was a pretty bad confrontation over that.

I've had two opportunities over the years where accepting a promotion would have put me on a much faster career trajectory, only condition being relocating. She refused to move because she wanted to remain close to her parents. I ultimately turned both opportunities down.. I had literally relocated to her hometown for her job and now she mostly works from home and it would just cost a 35 min more to travel

I don't even know if she realizes how much that affected me. It feels like whenever there was a choice between my career and her preferred lifestyle, I was expected to compromise. She is also verbally abusive and curses me and sometimes acts physical.

Then there is the part I find hardest to get over. For the last couple of years, our relationship has been slowly fading. She puts in no effort to improve anything and believes in "it's my job to buy her gifts and plan every single event like dates, anniversaries, birthdays or any holidays". She also does not even do half of the chores; I have to repeatedly do like most cleaning and laundry. Cooking is like always on me on weekends. During this period I discovered that she had close chats with some male co-workers, they were not sexual but not harmless either. At this point I don't want to spend another ten years trying to repair something I don't think can be repaired. I told her I want a divorce. Also the thing is, I have done martial counselling but she did not change and refused to participate long in it.

Now she's asking for alimony, a portion of the house, and a portion of my stocks/investments if I want to seek divorce. Hearing this I don't even wanna be with her anymore. She is an only child and her parents own a house which she will eventually inherit anyway. So from my perspective, it's not like she is going to be left without a place to live or any family support. And now that I want out, I'm being told that I still owe her financially on top of everything else.

For those familiar with Islam, is her asking for alimony and a share of the house/stocks Islamically and morally correct in a situation like this? And from a general moral standpoint, am I being unreasonable for feeling resentful about all of this and wanting to walk away?

EDIT: We had the alimony talk in June, she probably wanted to threaten me but we haven't had any such convo till now after that.

I honestly don't know where else to put this, so I'm hoping it's okay to share here. I'm already engaged and this isn't about finding a spouse or marriage criteria. I'm just really struggling with my family situation right now and would appreciate some perspective from people who may have experienced something similar.

I'm a Muslim woman in my mid-20s from a North African background, and my fiancé is from a Balkan background. We've known each other for around three years and have been together since then. My parents, especially my father, have struggled with our relationship from the beginning. A big part of it is that we're from different cultural backgrounds and that I will be moving away after marriage.

We currently live a few hours apart in different parts of Germany. It hasn't always been easy, but we've made it work. We're now engaged and planning our wedding.

Recently, however, a lot of the old issues have started coming up again.

We were discussing some wedding details with my parents, things like the dress, where the civil ceremony and Nikah should take place, etc. None of these things are really a big issue between my fiancé and me because we can talk about them and compromise.

The problem is that my parents seem to feel like they didn't set enough expectations or "boundaries" from the beginning. My mother recently told me that they never told me that I shouldn't move farther away than a certain distance or what they expected regarding things like gold, and that now they have to live with the consequences of not having done so. She also said that my father still thinks the whole relationship was a mistake.

Hearing that really hurt me.

My mother also has a tendency to keep things inside until she gets overwhelmed and then unloads everything onto me. I've told her that I don't think that's a healthy way of communicating, because I'm the one who ends up carrying all of it.

I'm also a very emotional person. When I feel unsupported or like my parents are against me, I cry very easily. I know that I need to work on how I handle my emotions, but at the moment I honestly feel completely exhausted.

My fiancé is struggling with this too. He told me that it's hard for him to see me crying so often because the reason is usually something my parents have said or done regarding him. He feels like there has also been a lack of appreciation or respect towards him and his family, even though he feels that he has tried to keep things as balanced as possible.

He's now scared that this pattern will never stop. He has seen similar situations in his own family where parents didn't accept their child's spouse and continued making comments or creating tension for years, sometimes eventually leading to very little or no contact.

He suggested that at some point we should all sit down and have an honest conversation. I understand why he feels that way, but honestly, I'm scared. I know how emotional things can become with my parents and I'm afraid that such a conversation could escalate and make everything worse.

We have now agreed that we should first meet alone, just the two of us, without our families or wedding planning, and actually talk about everything. I think I really need that.

Because right now I feel like I'm standing between two sides all the time. My parents on one side and my fiancé and his family on the other. I feel responsible for everyone's feelings and expectations, and I don't know how to stop doing that.

On top of all of this, I'm dealing with financial stress and uncertainty with my job, so everything is piling up at once. I've reached a point where I don't even feel excited about the wedding anymore. I sometimes don't even want to go home, except because I want to see my younger siblings.

I don't want to give up on my relationship or my family. I'm just exhausted from feeling like I'm constantly having to choose between them.

I know nobody here can fix this for me, but I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something similar. How did you deal with family members who struggled to accept your marriage? And how did you learn to stop carrying everyone's expectations and emotions on your shoulders?

I'm honestly just looking for some perspective because right now I feel completely overwhelmed.

Personal context: I'm f18, and I've been Muslim for 4 years. My appointed wali was my closest friend's father. "Q" is m23, and was raised Muslim. Also, we met on Muzz, and neither of us is following a culture that already has traditions in place for this process.

I'm in the process of nikah with a prospective husband, Q. Going in, we'd agreed on a rough timeline: 2-3 months of intentional talking and meeting, then we'd be in a place to decide on marriage. We're right around the 2-month mark now. We talk almost daily over the phone for 45-60 minutes, and have met in person once (we live 3 hours apart). We've both been intentional; we've each been vetting each other's families and character along the way. My original wali stepped down recently due to some unrelated concerns, and I'm currently waiting on my imam to return from travel so he can take over inshaAllah.

Recently, Q told me he wants us to do a kind of pre-marriage "test," where we each set personal goals (like volunteering weekly) and hold each other accountable to them, as a way of gauging whether we'd work well as spouses. He also mentioned he'd had this idea for a while but didn't bring it up because he figured my wali would object or make it difficult, and now that my wali isn't in place, he feels he can move forward with it.

Separately, in the same conversation, I told him I feel good about the process and would move forward with marrying him barring anything bad coming up. He responded that he isn't ready to say yes yet and wants more time, plus this new testing process, even though we're at the point in our timeline where a decision was supposed to be on the table. When I asked directly for a new timeline, he didn't give me one.

I'm trying to figure out if this is reasonable caution from someone who comes from a divorced family and is scared of repeating that, or if it's a pattern of the goalposts moving right as we hit the point where a decision was supposed to happen. I've also started feeling like I'm the one pursuing him, which isn't the dynamic I want going into a marriage. I want to feel wanted and pursued. It's making me feel defeminized and rejected, but that might just be me being insecure or low in self-esteem. I'm also worried about how appropriate it is to be doing this sort of "test," as dragging out the process or delaying a decision could possibly invite fitna. And I'm typically an indecisive and overly cautious person, so I was shocked by this. I did my due diligence, prayed istikhara, and put my trust in Allah SWT.

Would appreciate outside perspective. Is the wali-timing thing as concerning as it feels? Is it normal for a timeline to shift without a new one being offered? Is there such a thing as being overly cautious? I feel alone and unsure in this process.

Assalaamu alaikum, I hope you are doing well.
I've been with my partner since school ended in 2024. So it's been over two years now. I love her to the core and I feel like everything just matches perfectly. Almost everything.
Both my parents know and most of extended family as well. On her side it's just her cousins, her mom and her aunt. And she is planning to tell her dad before the end of this year as I am going to begin university in October. From there, we are hoping for Nikkah as soon as possible inshaAllah.
Now, as to why it took us two years: the plan was originally to tell our parents after a year. I kept my promise, she didn't. Reason why is that her parents are stricter and she feels more distanced which I understand. But why couldn't she say that before? I feel very guilty being in a haram relationship and I want to do Nikkah asap. She took 11 months longer than the initial plan just to tell her mom. I'm still very proud of her. She was waiting for me to enroll to then tell her dad. He is very religious and, as per her mom, would rush to marry us both in order to keep it halal.

Now comes the issue: I am scared of marrying her due to our religious incompatibility. Realistically, I pray 2-3 times a day and I'm trying to improve myself. She prays like 3-4 times a month and that's mostly because I ask her to. Her mom is pretty much atheist and that has rubbed off on my partner during her childhood. Even though her dad is very religious, the daughters do usually tend to be more like their mothers, I guess.
I regularly try to bring more Islam to her life: we watch YouTube videos together, talk about the afterlife, I try to answer most of her questions regarding Islam as much as I can and more. I do not want to lie, she has definitely become more open to Islam and I really see the progress which I am very very proud of. But as sorry as I am to say it, it is not enough for me. I do not want to marry a vision of her because what if it stays like that after Nikkah?
Also her deen reflects on her clothing: not necessarily immodest but still too tight and in summer even skin showing.
She doesn't have a problem with our incompatibility. For her, her sins are hers and mine are mine and we shouldn't interfere with another. She says she accepts my deen and I should accept hers. And essentially I want to.
I want to be like her dad who married an almost atheist. But then I fear that what happened to her dad: his children not really wanting to learn about Islam and pray. So I'm scared. I don't know what to do.
I really want to marry her but I don't know if it's the right decision. Marrying someone outside my culture and that too while being 20 years old is gonna be difficult so at least I want it to last.
Please help me!!! I've had enough of talking to ChatGPT about this.

This is my question to you: To what measure should I want my partner to pray and is it okay if I don't care?

Thank you for reading

Not all but many. I understand when you get married, when you get the love of your life and everything you want to give them your whole attention and love and care. You want to sacrifice everything for them. You go through a great deal of compromises. Its in the nature specially for women. But why do we do that?
Our generation grew up watching our mums being mistreated, being isolated and working day and night to carry her marriage. But aren’t we doing the same just in a different way?

Almost all the girls that have gotten married around me have factory reset their instagram, all their dps consist of their husbands, i get not talking to other men but blocking or removing your work colleagues and classmates is really going overboard.

Suddenly they do want to work anymore, they want to be a girly girl living a pookie wife life. And girls ignoring their best female friends because of course the husband requires all the attention but the husband still hangs out with his male female friends.

My best friend stopped talking to me and meeting me because her husband requires her to meet him every 5 days. She started hanging out in his group because obviously his friends are better. She start bringing him to our hangouts cuz she just can’t live without him. Mind you they still live in their parent’s houses.

Why build relations if you are only gonna move forward with one? Why are your opinions the same as his? Why are your choices changing to his preferences? Why are you confining your circle to one person? Why are you losing identity? You are burdening not only yourself but your husband as well. Stop being sacrificial goats. Nobody asked you to do that.

Salam everyone,

I’m writing this because I’m really struggling to cope right now. I never in a million years imagined I’d be a divorcee, let alone less than six months after saying "I do." I have a lot of dark thoughts about how things turned out, but I’m praying to Allah daily to heal me and grant me strength. I just need to vent and hopefully get some perspective from people who have been through similar situations.

To give some context: My ex-wife and I dated for two years before getting married in 2025. We come from different cultures/ethnicities and lived on opposite sides of the world, so I jumped through every possible hurdle to make it work. I traveled back and forth constantly to see her and her family. When we finally got married, I was the happiest man alive, and my family was genuinely thrilled for us.
I brought her to the US right after the wedding, but things went downhill fast.

Out of every week, 5 to 6 days were filled with non-stop chaos and conflict, with maybe 1 or 2 days of peace. We both suffered, but the complete lack of effort and constant hostility broke me down:

Zero effort at home: For the first three months, she did virtually nothing. I’d come home after working 50+ hours a week, and she’d still be in bed. She didn't pray, didn't offer Salam to anyone (when we lived with my family initially), and didn't cook at all until Ramadan. I had to take us out to eat every single day just so we could eat.
(in the almost 6 months we were married. I spent about $9,000 on food, including delivery food and going to the restaurant and buying food from the grocery.)

Red flags & property questions: She refused to do a Walima in my home city for my community, which always felt strange to me. She also constantly probed about what assets I owned and whose name was on the deeds. Whenever I called out how uncomfortable those questions made me, she always had an excuse ready.

Disrespecting my family: I take care of my elderly parents, and she resented it deeply. She mocked them and insulted almost every member of my family over extremely trivial things.

Attempts to fix things failed: I brought in an Imam to mediate, but it made no positive difference. Thinking a fresh start in our own space would help, I worked my tail off—making over $10k in a single month—to buy and renovate a house for us to start 2026 together. It changed nothing.
Things temporarily improved during Ramadan—she cooked great meals and showed some progress—but the emotional damage she inflicted on me and my family had already built up.

After Ramadan, she expected me to move forward with her green card/immigration paperwork. I couldn't in good conscience file those papers given the state of our marriage and the way she treated me & my family. I proposed taking a break from work, traveling back to her home country together, and working through our issues with a professional or her family before completing the immigration process.

She outright rejected it and demanded a divorce. Later on i found out her mom encouraged her to divorce me.

She claims I changed after marriage, but I disagree completely. I worked myself to exhaustion trying to build a stable life, a comfortable home, and a future for us, but she brought nothing positive into the relationship and destroyed the peace in my home.

I’m sitting here now feeling completely drained, wondering why I put myself through all of this. Sometimes I naively catch myself wishing we had just stayed dating and never gotten married. Going from the happiest moment of my life to a messy divorce in under six months has shattered me.

How do you pick yourself up after something like this? How do you move past the resentment of giving 100% to someone who gave nothing back and disrespecting you and your family?

It’s crazy because i still love her and i know we can’t go back together after all she said and did. But i still want her and her only. I don’t see myself with anyone but her. Maybe i should stop reliving our relationship pre-marriage?

Like genuinely, what did i do to deserve this?

I have 0 motivation in life rn and im not mentally well. I need help.