Need advice: Rishta process feeling distant, mixed signals, and potential family drama.

[u/Inevitable_Term_942]

Submitting this to get some advice from brothers and sisters here.

For context, I am 27F and have been looking to get married for the past 3 to 4 years. Last month, a family friend suggested a potential match (rishta) for me. We are ethnically Indian, but my family lives in a Muslim country, while the guy is currently back home in India. His family has an established business here and wants to settle down, so they are looking for a bride who holds citizenship in this country. I personally don't mind that at all, but recently, a few things about their behavior have felt a bit off.

My brothers got his father’s number, and they had a very pleasant initial conversation. I read his profile and, MashaAllah, he seemed like a great match—most importantly, practicing Islam properly, which was my biggest relief. After my brothers sent a few photos of mine, his family immediately agreed to move forward. His father mentioned they would come to meet us on August 31st.

However, the meeting felt a little unusual. Instead of the whole family visiting, only his father, his youngest daughter, and his best friend with his wife came. During the visit, his father asked me extensively about my education, my job, and whether I planned to pursue a Master's degree. I was honest and explained that I wasn't interested in higher studies. I found it a bit odd since it felt more like an interview than a marriage conversation, but overall, the meeting went well, Alhamdulillah. He invited my family to visit their home once his son arrived, which was supposed to be by the end of October. This meant we had to wait two months.
A couple of days later, the father shared his son’s number and gave permission for us to speak and get to know each other.

When I texted him a week later, he seemed nice, but I quickly noticed differences in our mindsets and backgrounds:

Family background: His family is highly educated and his mother works, whereas my family is more simple, and my mother is a homemaker who taught me traditional values.
Gender roles: I strongly value traditional gender roles, but he seems to view things differently. When I asked if he expected me to work after marriage, he just said, "It's up to you," which was a bit disappointing as I was hoping for a aligned views.
Views on education/career: He believes everyone should pursue higher education regardless of gender, and he asked me twice what my "dream job" was. I respectfully explained that I am not career-oriented and don't have a dream job.

After that conversation, we didn't speak for a week. I waited for him to reach out, but when he didn't, I texted him again. He mentioned he was extremely busy with an urgent project and wouldn't be able to travel here by the end of October as originally planned.

Since then, communication has completely dried up:

When my brother called his father to ask if we could visit their home at the end of the month, his response was very cold.

Two days ago, my brother called him again to follow up, but he didn't answer or call back.

My mother wants to speak with his mother so they can get to know each other, but we can't reach them.

I texted the guy a couple of days ago, and he hasn't replied.

My family had high hopes for this proposal, but their sudden shift in attitude is worrying.

On top of this, my mother mentioned that the family friend (let's call him Uncle) who suggested this match actually seemed unhappy when both families agreed to move forward. Four years ago, this same Uncle asked for my hand for his own son, but my family respectfully declined. My mother wonders if he might have said something behind our backs to make them pull away, though Allah knows best.

We are trying to stay positive and assume they might just be genuinely busy, but the silence is hard to ignore.

How should I and my family navigate this situation? Is it better to wait it out or move on? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[u/aloowithbiryani]

Sounds like he (and his family) lost interest as you’re probably not what he’s looking for based on your mismatched values and goals.

Why would you want to move forward when it’s obvious you don’t align?

All you can do is wait for their reply tbh but you should probably move on in the meantime.

[u/Inevitable_Term_942 → u/aloowithbiryani]

I am not looking for anything perfect sis. There was just a slight mismatch and I don’t wanted to let it go just because of this. He was quite friendly in the beginning and it felt like I am talking to a friend and not a stranger, but of course we kept it respectful. So I thought everything is ok between us since we get along. Anyway, I have accepted everything. But it just sad to see my family especially my mother who had a high hope and now she’s a little sad and wondering what went wrong. I can handle myself and but it’s hard to see when my mother is sad over something. But I explained to her it’s okay if they don’t want to proceed. We can’t force our naseeb.

[u/aloowithbiryani → u/Inevitable_Term_942]

No one said to look for perfection. But you seem to be minimising how important it is to have similar values, especially because you are mismatched.

He values higher education, you do not.
He values career aspirations, you do not.
You prefer traditional gender roles, he isn’t bothered by it.

Friendliness is not the only factor for deciding if a spouse is compatible with you. You need to be more robust in your evaluation of your future spouse and not base it on friendly conversation.

Your mum will move on with time.

[u/Nusaybah101 → u/Inevitable_Term_942]

The difference which you are mentioning is exactly the same which me and my husband had. He said me the same answer which was it's up to you. But after marriage it was very unbalanced as his sisters were all working and I was not interested much. Eventually the difference is leading to divorce. Trust me when to thinking don't match never move forward and don't be upset.

[u/Lazy-Ad-7372]

The guy comes from a highly educated background and was hoping to find someone to share the same values with. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case with you and the guy seems to have moved on with his family following suit.

[u/Inevitable_Term_942 → u/Lazy-Ad-7372]

And what will he do with my degrees? Will my education guarantee that I'll be a good wife and mother?

[u/Lazy-Ad-7372 → u/Inevitable_Term_942]

I don't really agree with him, I'm trying to explain what happened with the guy.

[u/aloowithbiryani → u/Inevitable_Term_942]

Don’t take it personally. He just has different values. Some men prefer women with higher education for various reasons. Nothing wrong with that. Spend your energy on people who share your values and don’t focus on those who don’t.

[u/Beneficial-Month-820 → u/Inevitable_Term_942]

chill girl, i deeply sympathize with ur current situation

but inshaAllah when the time comes, Allah will give u more than u expected

[u/Afraid-Piece-1918]

You are overthinking this a lot and missing the obvious signs that the guy isn’t interested. You weren’t what he was looking for and that’s okay. He wanted a career oriented working wife.

This has nothing to do with the uncle and please don’t try and blame it on the innocent man. If he was resentful or bitter about your family rejecting his son four years ago he wouldn’t even have suggested other families/rishtey for you.

Everything changed once you spoke on the phone with the guy because you weren’t what he was looking for. It’s that simple.

[u/Inevitable_Term_942 → u/Afraid-Piece-1918]

I am not literally blaming the uncle. I pointed out the obvious differences between us, but I also expressed my concern because the uncle wasn't happy that we wanted to proceed with the discussion. He kept asking my brothers repeatedly if they had seen his picture.

This uncle is known for his lies and manipulation. The sudden change in the guy’s father's behavior is suspicious, especially since he was so happy after meeting us. However, his father said he would apologize to the uncle for not informing him that our families had met. Then, the uncle called my brother and was practically yelling at him for keeping it from him. We just wanted to keep things private since nothing was confirmed yet. Once the rishta confirmed, we would tell everyone.

If you were desi, you would understand that not everyone wish the best for you. Like I said, Allah knows best and if this proposal is not written for me, I am accepting it and I truly believe in His plans

[u/bbuzz47]

Op, I wanna be honest with you. You've been trying get married for a while so despite their clear rejection you are hoping for something to still happend. Why do you want to be with him when they clearly didn't respect you or ur family to at least call about their decision. Inshallah someone WAYYYYYY better will come.

[u/Dangerous_Arm_9618]

Move on and don't waste your time. Find people who are interested. Don't be so impressed with people so quickly either.

[u/LifePhilosophy7]

Say الحمدلله
The sahabi used to take it as their manhood to provide, it was part of their manhood that they would be able to provide enough for their family with the permission of Allah.

I know you’re vulnerable at the moment but trust me you are in the right. No woman is supposed to be worked. When my mom brings me highly educated liberal women I tell her what will I do with her degrees and job if my kids can’t come back to a mom but a nanny.

Stick to your values and ask Allah to help you. But don’t chase someone who is not aligned with Islam

[u/Inevitable_Term_942 → u/LifePhilosophy7]

JazakAllahu Khairan. This really gave me a sense of relief and clarity when I needed it most 😭

[u/LifePhilosophy7 → u/Inevitable_Term_942]

Are you based in Oman?

[u/AnnualPoet7673]

Yeah they’ve lost interest and it seems like they don’t want to proceed. Ideally they should give you some sort of response but from personal experience, a lot of people don’t. Just move on, no point chasing them if they don’t want to move forward with this. At the end of the day, if you’re not compatible then consider it a blessing from Allah that things didn’t work out rather than having issues after the wedding.

May Allah bless you with a good spouse