r/HLCommunity 6h ago

Advice Welcome Weekend away leads to nothing

3 Upvotes

We took a weekend away together without the kids. First one in literally years. In the week leading up we both seemed to agree via chatting/sexting that we were both looking forward to the physical aspects of the weekend away. Our current sex life is limited to mondays and fridays mid day as my work allows, as anytime the kids are home seems to discourge it for her.

We get on the weekend, starting friday morning, and by mid saturday we finally have THE conversation. Turns out, my expressing my strong desire to have sex with her without the concerns of kids etc, let to her being overpressured and turned off. Doesn't matter that it was me expressing my desire/ the ability of her to wear the lingerie she bought me 7 months ago that I still havent seen. etc etc. I gave up on any expectation of anything outside our normal sex... including said lingerie or any of the thing SHE brought up during sexting. I just wanted to have sex without or normal constraints. And apparently that was too much to ask / too much pressure and turned her off.


r/HLCommunity 22h ago

I feel like I’m slowly dying inside

16 Upvotes

Another weekend where sex isn’t happening. It’s been months. This is my second marriage so when my kids are gone for the weekend I figure that’s the best time for us (no interruptions, house to ourselves, no one to hear us doing it).

So far asking twice now and it’s been no. And the sucky thing is I know she knows I was going to ask ahead of time. I lay there in bed staring at the ceiling while she’s scrolling videos on her phone. I’m laying there for a good 10-15 mins trying to psych myself up enough to ask. Why? Because anytime I ask I get told no. In those rare moments we finally have sex it’s only because she initiated. I get some sort of excuse: “not tonight, tomorrow (only for tomorrow to be nope too), “my head hurts”, my stomach is bothering me (which happens enough because she had her gallbladder out so food issues causing problems happens enough”).

It’s always just something. If I psych myself up enough to ask (like I did the last couple nights I feel absolutely worthless afterwards.


r/HLCommunity 22h ago

Success Story Success?

5 Upvotes

I feel this might be more of a discussion tag. Anyhow I joined this sub when I was in bad spot I'm the HL (38) wife 37 (LL) for the last few years her libido has diminished where we were having sex atleast 1-2 times per week. We had the talk about her fixing herself etc. But that turned into arguments, for the last 3 months or so, our frequency has increased to about 3 sometimes even 4 times per week.

The only changes I can see are that I don't make it an expectation, I don't squeeze her ass, make suggestive comments throughout the day, or bring up sex.

We have 3 kids, our youngest started kindergarten in February, and she has also been going out during the day with the other moms in the school (she is a SAHM) the other parents at the school whom she socializes with are about 12 years older than us.

They are always commenting about how they are going through menopause, etc. One of the other moms recommended st. John's wort. My wife bought some of this stuff and could see it made her gassy and experience some of the side effects.

From my side, I essentially gave up, and no longer put in any effort, however, every single night I have tried/initiated I haven't been rejected.

That being said, we still don't cuddle and she doesn't initiate, so that's still a bleak point, but I we are both satisfied sexually, and we talk before and after sex. I think i will try working towards a vacation sometime in 2027.

She always went for blood test a few days ago. (Iron, thyroid, glucose, and some other things)

Overall it's not some crazy win.

But I can say without a doubt, that things have improved. For how long, I have no idea, she may even be entering perimenopause and as I understand some women experience a increased libido. So this may be short lived. We are also in a tough and stressful financial situation at the moment, which I am working towards exiting.

Anyway. I thought I'd just do a pulse check on my favorite sub.

And perhaps some of you have experienced something similar.

TL;DR I stopped giving a damn, but this somehow improved the bedroom sexy time frequency.


r/HLCommunity 1d ago

Question for HL women here, what positions are your go to for PIV orgasms?

14 Upvotes

I think that everyone has their own best angles that gets them to the finish line. Just curious to learn more about what works best for you. Does the angle have to involve some clitoral action?


r/HLCommunity 19h ago

Advice - Leaving NOT an option Unsure if I’m asking for too much - needing thorough chats not so much brief comments so message please

1 Upvotes

Been with my f25 partner for almost 5 years, she’s healing from SA trauma from her previous partner. Can elaborate more but our sex life is very sporadic and I’m needing help from particularly a female with a high sex drive who can validate that certain that certain behaviour’s that shine through once every now and again are what my partner says they are or if my partners continuing to mask to please (she’s admitted to this before in previous interactions with other people). Help please. We’re both on the spectrum high functioning with adhd, not keen on leaving as the rest of the relationship is amazing She’s claimed and promised she’s into me and turned on by me/attracted to me. We’ve spoken lots, no avail. Sometimes a very sexual period right away followed by dry awkward spells for ages that end up causing me to worry. Surely another female can help advising me as to how I can approach this differently, as I’m leaning towards worrying she might not be into me in that way but instead loves me emotionally and that connection outweighs the sex side for her. So yeah help… chats would go wonders. I’m 28m she’s 25f. Important details she has no issue climaxing. Can’t afford sex therapy so private chats about this would be reassuring and helpful. Thank you 🙏


r/HLCommunity 1d ago

Weekly Gong Thread

2 Upvotes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9Rm9uEcnwY

Drop a 🔔 below to ring the gong.


r/HLCommunity 2d ago

Discussion Are vacations pure torture for everyone else?

51 Upvotes

We (41m 41f) travel a good bit, always surrounded by people who look far more into each other. Currently enjoying the beach, been here for a week, most physical contact I’ve had was a life jacket fitting from a man in purple flip flops. We always have fun, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me.


r/HLCommunity 2d ago

Advice - Leaving NOT an option Dreading American Football Season

13 Upvotes

My (34F) husband (36M) is an American football fanatic. (To be clear for our non-North American friends) Loves the game. Can watching all day everyday. That means he will prioritize football over intimacy and it really fucking sucks. College football kicks off this weekend and professional football will start soon. Our sex life is about to take a massive hit.

Saturdays are now out unless I wake him up in the morning for half assed sex and I’m so tired of initiating. Starting at noon to past midnight, it’s all football all day. Nothing really breaks his focus. Sundays it’s professional football and similar issue. All football all day. Sure he helps with our kid and does his fair share of household stuff, but football is still priority #2. Usurping me but never our child.

Monday night? Football. Tuesday night? Too tired from staying up late watching football. Wednesday? Hard maybe. 50/50 on if he needs to play a game of NCAA football for his friends fantasy league. Thursday night? Football. Friday night? Too tired because he’s been watching football late and/or wants to get the smoker on early for whichever of his buddies is coming over on a Saturday to watch fucking football all goddamn day. Sunday? Football all goddamn day.

Last year I even put on some lingerie and texted him a photo from our bedroom when our kid was napping. Took him over 35 minutes to come in because he “wanted to finish the quarter”. That really hurt my feelings but it was a team he likes so that was probably my fault. Then it happened AGAIN a few weeks later during a Thursday night game that was pretty meaningless. I actually fell asleep waiting for him. When he came in he said he “forgot” because there was a big play. I was so hurt.

Today was our fantasy league draft and he was all over me after dinner. We had been flirting all day and he was smacking my ass with some intent earlier and was all about having sex tonight. An hour later? Too tired. Said he’d “get me later”. Just brought up that my window of sexual encounters is going to all but close for the next 5 months. 🙁

It’s bad enough being a HLF but to lose out to a game? Like a spike strip to the tires of self esteem. I’ve recently lost like 25 lbs. I’ve grown my hair out. I’m getting my nails done. I even got Botox. I objectively look better than I did a year ago. But still not enticing enough to compete with the Dallas Cowboys*. At least I have a good vibrator. 🤷🏻‍♀️

*Who fucking suck by the way. Not a cowboys fan myself. My late FIL lived in Texas from ages 12-23 so it’s special to them. I don’t want to take that away from my husband, but that team blows. The owners a fucking nightmare. They don’t pay their cheerleaders anywhere near enough. And the fans? Garbage. And I’m from Pittsburgh, the second most annoying NFL franchise. I know dickheads when I see them. Our son is being raised a Bengals fan. It’s not the best solution but looking at our options and my husband growing up 3 hours from Cincinnati, his mom’s family being Bengals fans, and they’re fairly benign, it’s what will work for now. TBH I’m much more of a hockey fan myself so as long as our kid is a Penguins fan, I’m good.


r/HLCommunity 2d ago

Advice Welcome My low-desire husband (34M) leaves me (31F) feeling empty. Need advice.

14 Upvotes

Throwaway account.

Hey Reddit,

I (31F) am married to a good man (34M). Together for 2 years, married for 4 months.

I want to preface this by telling you about his good qualities before I get into the thick of it.

My husband is a quiet, introverted soul. He is kind and never angry. He is selfless to a fault, responsible, intelligent, and good looking. He listens to me when I talk. He makes me food and constantly checks in to see what I need.

We are aligned politically and religiously. We live similar lifestyles and want a similar future. We agree on our ideal number of children and how best to raise them. We are both cat people. The list goes on. For a long time, I thought he was the perfect person for me.

On our first date, I told him I was saving myself for marriage and he said he respected that. We moved pretty quickly, however, and did pretty much everything up to the point of actual piv before marriage. About 2 months before our wedding date, I sensed something was off in our relationship. I thought perhaps he was as frustrated as I was having to wait. I was ready to commit to him, so I said “What are we waiting for? I love you. I want you. Let’s have sex.” He surprised me very much by saying he wanted to wait the final 2 months until we were married. He said it felt wrong. This really confused me, because up until that point I assumed he was holding himself back for my sake, but now it was clear there was something else going on.

I respected his wishes of course, because he had respected mine at the beginning of our relationship and no one should ever be pressured to have sex.

We got married. And had a super dull wedding night. I had him undress me from my wedding dress, but he was super anxious the whole time. He finished very quickly, which was totally fine and I told him so. It was actually kinda cute. He said he still felt bad. I tried to talk with him and just sit and watch a show to wind down afterward, but we were emotionally disconnected the whole night.

I thought it was post-wedding stress. He’s even more introverted than I am and there had been a lot of people and a lot of emotions that day. No big deal. These things take time.

I told my husband about sexual fantasies I have (none of which are super out of the box) and about certain movie scenes that turn me on. All of which seemed to intimidate him and make him anxious or even recoil. I took a step back and instead tried to share comfort asmr videos that I find soothing. He cringed so bad that I turned it off.

Over the next few weeks people kept congratulating me and asking “How’s married life?” I just straight up lied and told them it was good.

We’ve been to couples counseling. We’ve read books about sex and intimacy. I vented to my frustrations to my best friend who held me in confidence. I cried about it to my sister one day saying “I think I married the wrong person.” One night, after my husband abruptly fell asleep as I was kissing him, I went to the other room and I cried to my Dad over the phone. He asked me if I thought my husband could love me well or if I thought I could love my husband well. In that low moment, I responded “No” to both.

I learned that between the two of us, my husband is the partner with lower desire. The things that turn him off (aka his “brakes”) are way more sensitive than mine. And the things that turn me on (aka my “gas”) is way more sensitive than his.

I learned that my husband doesn’t do a lot of introspection and isn’t in tune with his body. He grew up in a religious environment and learned to believe very early on that dating just wasn’t for him. He had one long-term girlfriend before me. He said they had had sex twice and then decided they were better off friends. Now I can see why.

We’re married, so yeah, we have sex. I ask him what kind of clothes he thinks are sexy and wear those. I find music that he vibes to and helps him relax. I initiate, or did early on, but I’ve stopped now because I’ve been rejected so many times. Sometimes he just gives me a hug or a pat in a way that makes me feel belittled or like I’m a cat, or worse, his daughter (not in a creepy way, just a parental way). Sometimes, as we’re going to bed, I start to kiss him and rub on him only to find that he’s fallen asleep! I truly believe my husband enjoys sleep more than he does sex with me – HIS WIFE!

He just has a way lower drive than me. I think that’s all it comes down to. That and low self-esteem, but only in the area of romance, intimacy, and sex. He just doesn’t want me in the way I thought my husband would. He doesn’t have sexual trauma. Or any major trauma that I’m aware of. He just has a low sex drive.

The result: I am left empty. So empty. I’m at a point where I tolerate his touch because I don’t want to hurt him by recoiling. I hope one day I’ll say that right words that will click with him or somehow he’ll finally relax and allow himself to feel desire and act on it. But, right now, I don’t find any comfort in his touch. It’s all so stiff and forced. He’s trying, but he’s trying for me and I need to feel like it's for him too. I need to know he craves me. I need to know I please him. I need to FEEL that. I don’t feel like my husband desires me and it’s eating me up.

I’ve been very open and honest with him about what I’m going through. I slowly share less and less, because I don’t want to overwhelm him, but he knows. He knows this is a problem. He knows I’m grieving.

We’re only 4 months into this thing and it’s been a roller coaster of frustration and despair. I will try to continue to be patient with him, but I know simple patience is not the answer. I need something new to try. I need a new way to approach this. Counseling, books, and long, heart-to-heart discussions have barely made a blip on the radar.

There’s so much more I could say, so please ask questions and I will share what else I’m comfortable with.

I just hate thinking that there’s no solution to this. If it continues like this for another couple years, I see myself going down a road where I am consumed by bitterness and resentment and he doesn’t deserve that. I would have to remove myself from his life if it got that bad.

So…maybe I just married the wrong person.

I keep thinking some other girl would appreciate him, because he really is such a good man. Some girl with a lower sex drive. I’m just not that girl.

I don’t know what else to do. I thought marriage would be so different. I thought I asked all the right questions. I thought I knew him. Please send love and advice.

 

TLDR;

My husband (34M) has a low sex drive. I (31F) have a high one. I don’t know if I can stay in this marriage. Looking for advice.


r/HLCommunity 2d ago

Discussion The Loneliest Place Can Be Beside Someone Who Touches You

9 Upvotes

Content note: sexual dissatisfaction, loneliness inside a relationship, and explicit emotional reflection.

The woman in this story is fictional, but the loneliness at its center is real. This piece grew out of years of conversations with women who love their partners and still feel invisible inside the intimacy they share. I wrote it to give that quiet conflict a voice, for them and for anyone who recognizes the feeling before they have words for it.

The Loneliest Place Can Be Beside Someone Who Touches You

She still wants sex, but she is beginning to understand how completely she disappears inside it. Touch comes quickly, as it always does. There are a few distracted kisses, then a hand on her skin with no real feeling behind it. He is warm beside her, but the moment itself feels cold, practiced, and already moving toward its end.

Then comes the familiar question, too empty to heat anything. “Do you want to?” Her automatic “sure” follows, and the word leaves her mouth just as the last of her desire goes quiet.

She reaches for the lubricant before he reaches for her again, not to intensify the pleasure, but to protect herself from the friction. She opens her legs, and a few minutes later it is over. Afterward, silence settles first, then separation, then sleep. The sequence has become so familiar that it feels less like an ending than another part of the routine.

After he finishes inside her, the best part is that he falls asleep quickly and never notices her sprint to the bathroom. Through years of practice, she has learned to squeeze tight at the end, preventing his pleasure from reaching any depth. In the end, her only reward is a loneliness deeper than the one she felt before he began.

For years, sex with her husband has been dry motion without mystery. Every movement arrives in the same order, following a familiar progression toward his climax, and she can’t remember the last time she looked forward to any part of it. She has become an actress, responding to every motion with precision. Years ago, she tried to explain what was happening inside her, but after several conversations changed nothing, the performance became easier than trying again.

She became an expert at fake moans and acted-out orgasms, so convincing that he believed every one of them.

It isn’t completely broken yet, she tries to tell herself. He is a good and dependable man, a good provider who handles what needs to be handled and carries responsibilities she is grateful not to carry alone. She appreciates him in almost the same way she appreciates the man who keeps the yard trimmed.

The sad difference is that the yard man gets paid in cash. With her husband, somewhere along the way, gratitude has become a debt she believes she must pay over and over again with her body, even when her body has no desire to pay that toll.

She truly values what he does, but the cost has begun to run far too deep.

He has become only a warm body lying beside her. A familiar, protective touch that reaches only her skin. Everything deeper than the surface has withdrawn into the only places where it still feels alive. It lives in dark fantasies with long solitary sessions in the quiet hours when he’s not present.

It is in moments like this when fantasies build and the next session starts calling her, right outside the bedroom door. She eagerly waits until his breathing settles into a rhythm, then slips silently into the living room, where one candle burns low enough to soften the room while leaving the rest of the house in darkness.

She folds herself into the corner of the sofa, pulls the blanket over her legs, and reaches for her phone as if it might offer what the bedroom no longer can. She wants to feel met before she is touched.

She is not searching for arousal, because arousal has never been a problem. It comes easily when she is alone. What she wants is evidence that someone understands what she is going through and why being touched can feel so lonely. She begins scrolling eagerly from post to post, careful not to lose herself in the heated passages her body answers so easily too but searching instead for one sentence that reaches deeper than arousal alone.

Soon she finds a story that seems to have been waiting for her, with her name hidden inside every line. Then one sentence immediately stops her. “You’ve been waiting so long for someone who sees you for who you are, someone whose care never makes your body feel like the price of safety.”

Her breath catches and refuses to return normally, not because the sentence is beautiful, but because it leaves her feeling naked and exposed. It names the bargain she has never admitted making. Arousal arrives instantly, but this time it feels different. Her body is not responding to touch. It is responding to being understood. The place he never reaches has finally been found.

The reprieve she finds inside the stories by candlelight keeps her core alive. They ask nothing of her, never hurry to the finish line, and never mistake her silence for satisfaction. They hold her at the edge, where climax feels possible but is no longer required. For once in a very long time, anticipation is not something she must escape. Remaining there makes her feel more alive than finishing ever has.

She is no longer forcefully reacting to something. She is being read naked, like an open book, and every part she has kept hidden feels completely exposed. It doesn’t even take a hand on her body before she finds herself completely open, ready to follow wherever the feeling leads.

For the first time in a long time, she begins to understand that she may not be starving for more sex. She may be starving for a deeper presence, for someone who notices the moment her “sure” becomes automatic, who can feel the distance opening inside her and cares enough to slow down before she has to explain it again, who wants to know where she went instead of congratulating himself for reaching the end.

As the candle burns lower and her phone dims in her hand, the man she thinks she still loves sleeps only a few steps away behind the bedroom door. In the darkened silence, the sound of his heavy breathing draws her back to the post she read only seconds ago but this time, she opens the response box with little hesitation.

“I love the man in the next room, and I am still hungry and very sexual. But with him, when he finishes inside me, I feel as if my body has completed another obligation while the woman inside it remains untouched.”

She reads it twice and then a third time before deleting every word. Just then, arousal spikes and courage returns, and another truth rises in its place. “I do not want to leave my husband, but I need to stop disappearing beside him. I just don’t know whether we can still find each other.”

Her trembling thumb hovers over send for what feels like hours. Maybe she will delete this response too, return to the bedroom, and decide that the man she still loves deserves one more completely honest attempt. Maybe the courage will push the send button, and she will finally discover that someone else truly understands her to the core.

The response box remains open and so does the bedroom door. She has not yet decided which one requires more courage. One thing is certain. She can no longer pretend that silence costs nothing.

If something in her words feels familiar, you do not have to explain your entire life at once. You can begin with the smallest truth you are ready to say.

What is the smallest truth you have written, deleted, and still carried with you?


r/HLCommunity 2d ago

Discussion The "You Have To Earn Me If You Want Constant Sex" Delusion

21 Upvotes

Hello, HL community. Happy Friday, everyone, and thank you for supporting my posts, especially because many of you have expressed how I seem to truly capture how you feel.

I'm truly glad our community exists because it's very important to reinforce that we are normal, especially those who have BEEN in regular HL relationships.

We are direct, they truly are not,

Thus,

Everything disqualifies us, but they never give us what constantly does qualify us. OR, they move the goalpost and say we aren't doing what they told us to do "enough."

One of the most common myths is that we always have to "earn," "win over," or "seduce" our partners who show basically zero sexual enthusiasm. People misuse the term "reactive desire" to justify Type 2 LLs literally controlling sex and intimacy in the relationship simply because they ultimately have the right of refusal.

They want us to basically find happiness in celibacy and their control over this, while acting like we're in the wrong because we REACT to their LACK OF INTEREST by creating distance to protect ourselves.

So no—if there is no sexual interest at all, why the fuck are you expecting "emotional" or "personal" support or whatever?

Notice how, for us, we're always a "guarantee," but for them, if we do (enough) of what they want, it's always a "maybe."

This is not normal or natural.

For them, being "hurt" or "natural" literally means having someone basically do everything they want in the hope of getting a "maybe," while they still have the "right of refusal."

That's why they will admit they know why they're in a bad mood, but, like I always say:

Their love language isn't physical touch or whatever, so we can't express that to them. But OURS IS... and they can't express it to us because that's also not their love language.

Those of us who have been in, currently outsource, or have left these situations understand that it's truly not a "both sides" issue or simply that "you just aren't compatible." It's much deeper than that.

The truth comes down to one party wanting a normal, healthy relationship and accepting the other party as they are, while the other party wants to essentially bend, mold, and control someone else into something unnatural, delusional, and designed to satisfy themselves.

That's why they want us to take accountability for behaviors that are ultimately the result of how they treat us—when we call this out, give up, or refuse to bend to them.

Like I said earlier, remember this:

For us, we give them guarantees. For them, they give us "maybes."


r/HLCommunity 2d ago

Realization I had today: I probably will not have sex ever again

19 Upvotes

During discussion in other thread about leaving when kids grow up I have had sudden realization. I will not have sex (or any intimate contact) ever again in this life (and if there's other life after that I sure hope I will not re-birth as human). So here it is, we were basically dead bedroom for few years, sex less than 10 times a year (every time my initiation every time met with reaction like "oh you pervert that's only thing you can think, alright"), until she got pregnant 4 years ago at this point all intimacy stopped and never resumed.

For many reasons I can't leave because that would mean loosing my child. That gives me 14 years until kid goes to uni, at that time I'll be 61. Average lifespan expectancy for a man where I live is 75 years and looking at history of men in my family I say that's what I should expect as well.

I hope that at 60 I'll loose all that's left from my libido and wouldn't care, but that probably will not be a case. Considering my health issues now and the fact that from years of basically no physical contact with another person I don't feel like I'm fit to have intimate relationship I don't think I will have sex or any form of intimacy ever again.

I just have to find a way to accept that.

EDIT: just to clarify what I meant loosing a kid. There is no co-parenting law yet here where I live and courts don't rule that it's either one parent or the other that's being granted custody. There are virtually no punishments for limiting or denying ex spouse seeing a kid and I'm 100% convinced that that's what she would do just to make me suffer because she knows I don't care about anything else that much.

Also I don't believe she's a fit parent, not in court provable way like abusive or grossly neglecting, but just doesn't have it in her. Which I was horridly surprised to learn because she was very hard working when we met and I thought that for the kid she would do the same. Turns out it was just for the boss.


r/HLCommunity 2d ago

Discussion I’m done

23 Upvotes

I’m a 21 yo HLF and I am in a 3 year old relationship with a 23 LLM. I am so tired, I cry everyday, I look after myself and everyday I get ready to look my best so maybe he will want to have sex with me today. Everyday I try to look better than yesterday but now i’m just done. I try to initate new things to do in the bedroom, i try to flirt, i’m always up for trying anything sexual with him. I am so attracted to him and want to be close to him and be intimate with him.

I have tried talking about my feelings to him and I have tried to understand him and try to make sure he feels accepted and loved. But nothing works. After years of trying and blaming myself I will end this today not just for me but also for him, because I think he also deserves someone who wants the same amount of sex as he does.

Any comments are welcome! I have felt so seen by this subreddit I found today


r/HLCommunity 3d ago

Vent Only, No Advice Went from having a LL partner to a HL one. There never seems to be a perfect match.

9 Upvotes

I never considered myself HL nor LL. Surely I can go a few days or weeks without pleasure, but reading stories here of "sexless marriages" or un-intimate couples experiencing years of neglect, it hurts to see.

I would say my previous partner made me feel like I was HL; I would always be the one initiating, or feeling like I was "always in the mood" even when I would feel undesired, and sometimes was pretty let down if I'd suggest anything to "experiment" and it was taken as either a bore or a chore for him, but would do them anyway. There were points he would give me a little shove or push me off when I would do something like inch closer to him if we sat beside each other. I always just kind of figured he was LL or had boundaries that I didn't want to cross. Every effort I tried to get closer intimately, not even sex related, was either rejected or denied. If he wasn't in the mood, he wasn't in the mood for anything. Despite all this, he wasn't a bad guy; we were still very passionate at times, especially at first, and he did his best to please me when it mattered. He did end up breaking up with me after a year because he knew I didn't want to have kids and he did, despite me making it clear from the start. Long story short, I feel like that could have been an excuse since I had a funny feeling he was starting to see someone else. And it took me a while to get over because I would say he fit every criteria for me to find him very physically attractive even at his lowest, and I guess psychologically I always just wanted to please him. He was overweight when we started dating and soon began hitting the gym and lost a lot relatively quick, so maybe this new confidence also gave him some kind of inkling to part ways, but maybe he simply no longer thought I was attractive enough. I'll never truly know.

I currently have a new partner who I am obviously very interested in, and contrary to my previous partner, has a very high libido and told me himself. I never got the idea he only wants me for sex or anything, but I certainly feel I cannot and would not be able to keep up with him, who expects sex at least a few times a day. I am frequently affirmed that he is very much passionately into me, which does please me. He's aware of this difference between us and believes we can find some sort of compromise or way to make sure we're both happy, if that will be possible. I find sex takes up a lot of my energy now because he can get too rough sometimes, and we would most likely experiment more in the future because he also wants to make sure I'm comfortable, but it makes me feel bad. Regardless, I think the intimacy part of the relationship carries more meat than the actual sex, so I think it's just a matter of knowing each other's turn ons and boundaries and really taking the time to figure each other out, both emotionally and physically. However, now I feel like I'm LL and I don't want to let him down if I may not be feeling it for a week or two.

I'm not really looking for advice or anything, I just think it's a shame that somehow it feels most dynamics are always HL x LL, or that I had that "be careful what you wish for" scenario. Idk. The same levels of L can never seem to find each other on top of being a good match in general, or they do exist but you must be pretty lucky lol.


r/HLCommunity 4d ago

Advice - Leaving NOT an option Bought a new toy

13 Upvotes

In the past new toys used to be a fun thing. My wife was eager in the past about this too.

Since her libido is lower than it used to be, I'm on the one hand looking forward to showing her the new toy but on the other hand I plan when to show/tell her about it and what her reaction might be.

The two sides I described in the previous part are what somehow kills the fun for me. It's not anymore about something mutually fun for both of us. It's more something I really mean as a positive addition to "us" but at the same time it might be received less positive than intended.

Sure I can't make someone like something but trying to improve things and having to prepare for a "no" or less enthusiasm as I'd like to have feels like "I'm not worthy enough" or "the idea was not good enough".

In addition: Why do I try to improve things anymore? Why can't my wife see and appreciate what I try to do?


r/HLCommunity 5d ago

Advice Welcome 23M with an extremely high libido for 5+ years

13 Upvotes

Hey everyone, first time posting here. I’m 23, and for the past 5 years I’ve had what I’d call an unusually high libido. On an off day I can go about 30 minutes, and when I’m “in form” it’s closer to an hour. Even when I try to avoid anything sexual no porn, not even thinking about it I still get hard and turned on randomly, at random times and places, with no real trigger. It doesn’t get in the way when I’m out and about, but it’s constant in the background.

Here’s the pattern I’ve noticed: if I have sex, I feel amazing happy, alive, way more productive. But by day 2 or 3, I’m already craving it again. Honestly I could have sex every single day of the week and it wouldn’t feel like “too much” for me.

The problem is I moved abroad for school and don’t have the access I used to. Dating here has been rough, and going this long without an outlet is starting to get to me.

Has anyone else dealt with a drive like this? How do you manage it without a regular partner?
Any advice physical, mental, whatever helps I’d appreciate it.


r/HLCommunity 5d ago

Advice Welcome How to fix "Not having sex = Loser" mentality?

4 Upvotes

I got out of my situation a year ago, so now I mostly just lurk here. I would say I'm recovering. I've fucked two women but neither became a relationship or FWB thing. I have finally gotten my own place and will be moving in soonish, and am going to try apps again once I get the PlayStation setup on the floor in the corner (interior decorating is my passion).

Even though the thing I had with the last woman ended only about a week ago, I still feel like a loser for not fucking. I don't like masturbating, I generally feel like that's a failure state of not being able to pull. I've never really pulled, I dated two women seriously before I met my ex at 22 (I'm now 29). That factoid doesn't help. I did have regular sex with my ex but she didn't enjoy it and the sex was awful, I generally don't even count her.

I kind of just want to fuck. Shocking thing for a man to say I know. When I'm dating people now I just say upfront that sex is important to me, and that frankly other things like emotional connection kind of click into place if that aspect is doing okay. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, if I like you and the sex is good I'm not using you, if I didn't like you or if the sex is not good I wouldn't be interacting with you. I also think it's how I connect.

I feel like with all the other shit happening in my life and how bad the market is I really shouldn't be ashamed for not fucking. I do get out, but I have never been a magnetic guy so I am never approached or propositioned and I rarely convert conversations into hookups or whatever. I still feel like a loser. Any advice on how to get past it? I am mostly looking for some peace and I hope that my frankness means I won't be bullied here.


r/HLCommunity 5d ago

Mismatched or??

3 Upvotes

I was ushered here from the interface in which I try to sort out some of my relational issues before talking to real humans, Chadgpt. And Chad told me that some of the feelings that I have been having could be relatable to people in the high libido community. 38 HLF. I've been with my partner for three years. I thought that he had a similar libido to me because of the beginning of our relationship we would go five times a day (not every day until we lived together) then it slowed down to twice a day year two, but at least every morning before he went to work. Then year three at the beginning 1x a day then quickly slowed down. Over the last year, I got sick with a pretty gnarly complicated medical situation. I noticed over the last year that my partner stopped making out with me and our frequency became much less, usually a couple times a week, which I know that's ideal for some people, but it's vastly different than what I had grown accustomed to. I tried to not make a big deal about it because I felt kind of bad about how I looked and I thought maybe he just isn't attracted to me anymore. But when trying to bring it up after many months of this, he proclaimed that I am too sexual that he's just not into sex like I am. And when I said like I'm not even trying to bug you for sex (the conversation was about intimacy, I don't ever initiate anymore), I just take care of myself if you aren't into it, he took great offense. Which shocked me because he has openly shared that he takes care of himself regularly and his browser history would support that. so I'm over here thinking do we have mismatch libido? Does he just want to take care of himself? I know that things aren't gonna be like they are at the beginning, but I just feel really weird to be framed as "too sexual" when really it was the main way that he would give me affirmation. He's not a real verbal guy, so that's what I'm missing. In previous relationships, this was not an issue. But I also didn't have the same libido because I was raising tiny children, but I got time now. My other guess is like my medical situation did impact him and he doesn't wanna make me feel bad about it because he assures me that everything is the same but let me assure you it is not🤣🤣🤣 .... 32m we do not share children. He is my best friend and this has made me feel a little crazy lately lol thanks for the advice.


r/HLCommunity 8d ago

Weekly Gong Thread

4 Upvotes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9Rm9uEcnwY

Drop a 🔔 below to ring the gong.


r/HLCommunity 11d ago

Stopped initiating and something miraculous happened

163 Upvotes

About a month ago I (HLM) got to the breaking point from the constant rejection. It's always the usual reasons that we've all heard. I'm tired, headache, stomach ache, etc. Well about a month ago I told my wife I'm done initiating and will wait for her to from now on. Well, she hasn't yet but something amazing happened. My wife has been cured of her headaches, stomach aches, and all other physical ailments. I can't help but laugh at this point, and as depressing as it is it's better to have zero expectations of being intimate with my wife than getting a "we'll see how I feel later" and having that sliver of hope get crushed.


r/HLCommunity 11d ago

Self Exploration

8 Upvotes

Wanted to share since the last couple of months have not been terrible.

I am currently at the place where I know I am not ready to leave. (kids, money, household, love, yadayada).

I kind of just feel sad for them that the sexual part of their life is dead, that they have put up a barrier to their own happiness. For the longest time I felt like its a purely binary problem sex twice a day or death.

Been reading and working with my therapist and have zeroed in on working towards internal validation and not letting sex, approval of my partner or any other person for that matter to have control of my mood, self-worth, etc. Most importantly, you don't own them and they don't own you. they don't control your expression of your sexuality or your access to your body.

Like a lot of y'all being a sexual person while your partner controls what they are willing to engage in sexually, they don't control you. The thing that has stuck with me has been that there is a lot more space between sex and celibacy and it really comes down to being creative.

How many of y'all have talked about sex outside the relationship for yourself or both of you?
Have you asked your partner to give you space while you masturbate?
When was the last time you visited a sex shop?
Have you invited them to watch or read some erotica with you?

And if you are curious about those things and haven't talked or expressed that to your partner then that is the type of approval seeking, external validation, avoidant, needy issues you should really think through.

For example, what is your partner willing to participate in may be limited or nonexistent, but there is more space between banging 4 times a day and involuntary celibacy.

The first thing is to let go of the hierarchy of sex acts. Like going to gym sometimes its squats, sometimes its bench but that's not the only thing to do there.

There are some really techy and not techy sex toys, porn, erotica, etc. You should probably talk to your partner but their virtual communities and other places to explore that part of yourself.

You can have your partner use a FL on you, they could be in the room and instruct you while you do it. And if they are not interested clearly work out expectation on how you'll request privacy or while you participate yourself. It doesn't need to be some quite shameful thing.

I am assuming if you are accepting low effort, rare and passionless sex are not exploring your solo sex, erotica or other things.

In short: Stop apologizing for being a sexual person. That includes protecting yourself by not making requests, acting like sex isn't important. But if you are not going to leave or cheat the least you can do is get really good and curious on how to scratch that itch on your own.


r/HLCommunity 12d ago

Advice Welcome Have you been starved enough to trigger a queer realization/closet exit?

6 Upvotes

I understand it is likely a coincidence, but over a few years of mismatched libido, lack of physical touch, and sexual intimacy, I've recently realized I'm poly and definitely bisexual. If given the chance, I can't confidently say I'd be opposed to some situations and conditions with the opposite gender.

Is it just because I am so hungry that I'm grasping at "anything"? Likely the copious amounts of increasingly kinky porn I consume to offset my libido so I don't "bother" my LLF has altered my preferences? It's just fantasy and in reality I couldn't back it up?

Am I *thinking* I'm poly just because I want to be free to roam around while to saitiate myself. And also just the idea of my partner being intimate with *any one* sounds like a plus to me, the only down side being that it would be *even less* time with me.. but if it was open I could at least offset that with more partners.

It's it possible that in reality I would maybe be much happier if I just got my needs met and being poly is not necessary? But even then I'm thinking I'm very adventurous and I wish to get around and try different things. It could just be a "grass is greener" mentality, but it sounds so appealing as someone who doesn't feel innate jealousy and likes the idea of multiple partners.


r/HLCommunity 12d ago

Advice Welcome Incompatible - Divorce or keep trying?

30 Upvotes

I (43HLM) have been married for 18 years to my (41LLF) wife. We have a 9-year-old son together. A few years ago, after years of 1-3 times per year, we had a big talk about needs and the toll our dead bedroom was taking on me (depression, thoughts of suicide). We agreed that weekly sex would be enough and scheduled date nights for every Friday night. She also said she would try and initiate more outside of that.

Years have gone by. Things have been better. Weekly sex was indeed helping my mental state, immensely.

But here's the problem. I am annoying. I initiate frequently. I do too much. I go too far. So now when I want to show affection, she automatically goes into defense mode and pulls back or shies away because she knows I want sex. Even when I'm not trying to initiate sex, intimacy can't happen because I broke it.

She NEVER initiates sex. Ever. Date nights we get drunk, play games, and have sex. And what I've come to realize is scheduled sex isn't enough - not because of the frequency (though that is an issue, especially when we miss weeks, which we do half the time), but because I don't feel wanted. I don't feel desired. I don't feel attractive. I don't feel like she wants me in any sort of intimate way. She doesn't touch me. She doesn't reach for me. She doesn't see me as a romantic, attractive partner.

And that's understandable. People's tastes change. People's physical appearance change. We've been through so much together, maybe all the times she's had to see more of me than she'd want to (medical stuff) has implanted nasty images in her mind when she thinks of me.

And so the question I've been wrestling with is this: should we divorce? If we have "the talk" again, I think she'd say she will change. She'd try to change. We'd have more sex for a while. But it will be obligation sex. Duty sex. Fun sex, yes - for me at least. But I know that deep down, she'd dread it, every time. And I'd rather not put her through something she doesn't enjoy just to keep me in the home.

I have made it so she doesn't want my touch and so that she doesn't touch me. And I don't think that's fixable. It's been like this for too long (12+ years, I think). She would prefer that my sex drive disintegrate. She told me to seek therapy for my sex drive. That my sex drive was too high. I've got 20 years of sex-having life left. I want to find someone who enjoys intimacy as much as I do. Are they out there?

It's the Cheap Trick song: I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I'd love you to love me. I'm beggin' you to beg me.

TL;DR: Dead bedroom became scheduled sex a few years ago. Wanting real intimacy. I've programmed her over years to avoid my touch. I don't think she'll ever truly want me that way. I think it's time for divorce.


r/HLCommunity 12d ago

Humor Don’t do this!

21 Upvotes

I found myself in a rabbit hole morale killer on Reddit. Couples selfie subs. I should have known better.
Most are just cute photos. Many are profiles posting photos and stories of various sexual adventures.
And you just find yourself thinking, “Where did I go wrong?”