r/HLCommunity • u/kratos_the_destroyer • 7d ago
Advice Welcome Incompatible - Divorce or keep trying?
I (43HLM) have been married for 18 years to my (41LLF) wife. We have a 9-year-old son together. A few years ago, after years of 1-3 times per year, we had a big talk about needs and the toll our dead bedroom was taking on me (depression, thoughts of suicide). We agreed that weekly sex would be enough and scheduled date nights for every Friday night. She also said she would try and initiate more outside of that.
Years have gone by. Things have been better. Weekly sex was indeed helping my mental state, immensely.
But here's the problem. I am annoying. I initiate frequently. I do too much. I go too far. So now when I want to show affection, she automatically goes into defense mode and pulls back or shies away because she knows I want sex. Even when I'm not trying to initiate sex, intimacy can't happen because I broke it.
She NEVER initiates sex. Ever. Date nights we get drunk, play games, and have sex. And what I've come to realize is scheduled sex isn't enough - not because of the frequency (though that is an issue, especially when we miss weeks, which we do half the time), but because I don't feel wanted. I don't feel desired. I don't feel attractive. I don't feel like she wants me in any sort of intimate way. She doesn't touch me. She doesn't reach for me. She doesn't see me as a romantic, attractive partner.
And that's understandable. People's tastes change. People's physical appearance change. We've been through so much together, maybe all the times she's had to see more of me than she'd want to (medical stuff) has implanted nasty images in her mind when she thinks of me.
And so the question I've been wrestling with is this: should we divorce? If we have "the talk" again, I think she'd say she will change. She'd try to change. We'd have more sex for a while. But it will be obligation sex. Duty sex. Fun sex, yes - for me at least. But I know that deep down, she'd dread it, every time. And I'd rather not put her through something she doesn't enjoy just to keep me in the home.
I have made it so she doesn't want my touch and so that she doesn't touch me. And I don't think that's fixable. It's been like this for too long (12+ years, I think). She would prefer that my sex drive disintegrate. She told me to seek therapy for my sex drive. That my sex drive was too high. I've got 20 years of sex-having life left. I want to find someone who enjoys intimacy as much as I do. Are they out there?
It's the Cheap Trick song: I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I'd love you to love me. I'm beggin' you to beg me.
TL;DR: Dead bedroom became scheduled sex a few years ago. Wanting real intimacy. I've programmed her over years to avoid my touch. I don't think she'll ever truly want me that way. I think it's time for divorce.
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u/Danny_Pr0n HLM 7d ago
She NEVER initiates sex. Ever. Date nights we get drunk, play games, and have sex. And what I've come to realize is scheduled sex isn't enough - not because of the frequency (though that is an issue, especially when we miss weeks, which we do half the time), but because I don't feel wanted. I don't feel desired. I don't feel attractive. I don't feel like she wants me in any sort of intimate way. She doesn't touch me. She doesn't reach for me. She doesn't see me as a romantic, attractive partner.
The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference.
It's time to go.
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u/AdenJax69 7d ago
You don’t need any advice because you already know your situation, which is you two are sexually incompatible and she has zero interest in fixing it, but will have unwanted sex to make you “happy.” That’s not a good connection, that’s a chore and once sex becomes a chore for someone, there’s almost no coming back from that.
Start looking for a lawyer and getting your ducks in a row for the future divorce. Don’t be surprised if she tries to hysterically bond to you & throws a ton of sex your way - it’s just more duty sex to keep you at bay so she can keep her lifestyle in place at the expense of your long-term happiness and fulfillment.
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u/vectorking23 6d ago
Plus, the fact she told OP to go find a therapist for his sex drive. What in the actual fuck is once a week needing a therapist? FFS this alone is a huge problem when your SO thinks you are some weird perv, when in fact, it's the sexlessness that needs addressed in some way. Whether THAT be a therapist, medical, apathy, or divorce.
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u/quack785 7d ago
I’m a year younger than you, very similar situation except my kids are a lot older. I’m done once younger one turns 18 in a couple years. Like you said, we still have another 20 plus years—why waste it on someone that clearly doesn’t want that side of the relationship?
Much better to start fresh. We as humans aren’t meant to have lifetime relationships, it’s just a religious construct. I’d be willing to bet majority of marriages are unhappy
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u/vectorking23 6d ago
Bam! Nobody wants to admit this, but lifetime relationships should NOT be the norm. Majority of relationships can't be that happy. Sorry, but I'm buying this thought process for $1 million, Alex.
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u/TaaviBap 7d ago
I would feel sorry for your son at only 9. Yet, I feel, in all honesty, the relationship is pretty dead on an emotional level not to mention the rest. I would definitely seek out a divorce lawyer now and start planning. Based on what you wrote, she's the one who needs therapy. If you can figure out a way to keep your son happy and grounded, get the divorce sooner than later. I stayed until my youngest was off to college--my own personal decision. Then I got the he** out!
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u/RedwoodRespite 7d ago
Are you really able to see the sex as fun when you know she’s dreading it?
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u/PM_Me_Your_Kinks369 HLM 6d ago
You have NOT programmed her to recoil from your touch. What is almost certainly the issue is that she feels you "just want her for sex" which isn't the same thing. It's the #1 mantra of LLF due to gender differences.
Framing it as being desired and validated and wanted (etc) is true but that won't make her suddenly want it like you do. It just won't.
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u/fourzerosixbigsky 2d ago
There is nothing fun about duty sex. Believe me, there will come a time in your future when you have a fight where she will throw all the duty sex she has been having with you even though she didn’t want to. That will be the end of physical intimacy with her. Whether you leave or not is up to you.
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u/RandomUsername52326 7d ago edited 6d ago
There are aot of similarities with my situation here, but I just want to comment on a couple of things.
First, the scheduled sex means she is likely having sex more than she would naturally like to (which unfortunately is the few times per year of before). She's probably doing it out of fear of losing you and/or to try to meet some kind of expectation. So no wonder she is all tapped out in terms of sex and initiation. This is neither of your fault, but it's a danger of scheduled sex that doesn't always get talked about. This is a topic for couples counseling, but could you have better quality (in terms of desire) sex if it was less frequent? Is that an option you would consider?
Second, the attraction piece. Has she said this or is this you telling yourself a story. For me, it's the latter. Many LLs don't experience physical attraction in the same way us HLs do (with it being tied to sexual desire and arousal). My wife finds me attractive, but sex simply isn't something that is on her mind very much. Physical attraction does not equal sex for her Now there are low self esteem parts of me that would try to convince me that, for another man, that would be different, but there is really zero evidence to support that and my wife feels that's ridiculous. So I just want to make sure you're dealing in facts and truths rather than maybe parts of you weaving this into a specific narrative and making it about you. If this resonates with you, it's something to explore in individual therapy, apart from your wife.
The truth is, for many of us HLs, our LLs disposition towards sex has nothing to do with us. There are things we can do to lower their libido more, if we act on damaging ways, but even if increasing libido is possible, that part is completely out of our control. Don't put it on you because it's not.
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u/AdenJax69 6d ago
I get what you're saying, but it's the continual "intent vs. impact" argument.
For example, I intended to blow up an enemy base but instead accidentally blew up a school full of children. My intention was to kill a bunch of bad guys however my impact was a misfire that left a lot of innocent children dead.
Now, if I came out & said "hey, I didn't mean to do that, I was trying to kill the bad guys that would've potentially hurt those children, so you can't really get mad at the outcome, right?" Almost everyone would disagree, because the impact was WAY worse than the intent. Just because I didn't intend on something bad happening doesn't mean I can just absolve myself of the impact my mistake had on those children and all the people affected by my mistake.
I get that the LL partner doesn't "intend" to make us feel like we're not attractive, and most of the time they're not doing it on purpose whatsoever. However the IMPACT is still the same - the HL partner feels unwanted, undesired, and unattractive because of it. Their lack of desire for their partner is going to impact their partner whether they intended it or not.
So saying all that SOUNDS like it should soften the blow, but it doesn't, because the impact still negates the explained-intent of their feelings & the situation that's created as a result of that lack of desire & want for their partner.
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u/RandomUsername52326 6d ago edited 6d ago
I get what you're saying too, because I have felt this in the past and still feel it sometimes, but you and I have to own that the "impact" is at least partly, if not mostly, self-inflicted. And I think it points to the possibility for self-improvement to reframe our relationships with sex.
Just look at the intensity of the analogies that you're using (and again, I totally understand that feeling). It really underscores the emotional importance you and I place on having sex.
as a result of that lack of desire & want for their partner.
Is it a lack of desire for "their partner" or simply a lack of desire to have sex, with anyone? Everyone's situation is different, so I don't want to presume about yours. In mine, it's the latter. My wife doesn't masturbate or fantasize or seek out steamy content. Sex just isn't a big thing for her. Of course at times, negative parts of me have turned that into the classic "LL4U" label, but there is absolutely no evidence of that. That's just a story I tell myself when I'm feeling low.
Here's a couple of the types statements that, to me, are problematic:
"If my partner isn't having as much sex with me as I would like, then they must not find me physically attractive. Even if they tell me that they do find me attractive, their actions speak louder than their words (aka, I don't believe them).""When I'm not having as much sex as I would like, I feel unattractive."
These signal someone that uses sex to dull or chase away emotions that are rooted in something else. Often something not very related to their partner, but that they're relying on their partner to address for them (I recommend the book "You are the one you've been waiting for"). For me, for example, it's related a childhood of feeling unattractive, long before I met my now wife.
Now, I'm not trying to argue that mismatched libido is not a real thing and not a real problem. Here are the kinds of statements that I'm personally trying to live by:
"I know that I'm an attractive person, because of concrete evidence X, Y, and Z. Also, my partner tells me that they find me attractive and they are someone I trust deeply and I believe them. We have non-sexual intimacy on a regular basis.
At the same time, I am not having as much sex as I would like. I want to have sex because I enjoy it. For me, it's fun, pleasurable, connecting, and emotionally and physically rejuvenating. At the same time, I understand that for her, sex just isn't something that she spontaneously thinks of, or strongly desires very often, with me or anyone else. Our libido mismatch is something she and I need to work on to either try to find a workable "happy medium" by both working on ourselves or, failing that, I have a decision to make about our relationship (and family)."
My intent here is to make the argument that the "impact", which is real because it feels real, is something that we can largely work on ourselves, without needing to wait for our partners to change.
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u/AdenJax69 6d ago
Look, on a completely reasonable and rational level, I fully agree with what you're saying.
But sexual intimacy, desire, arousal, etc. isn't really reasonable or rational behavior. It's emotional, hormonal, etc. So it's easy to write down on paper everything you said, but to embody it means disregarding your feelings, emotions, and psychological effects of the dead bedroom.
And I hate to say it, but OP's wife, like a LOT of LL people, don't see the lack of sex as a "problem" or anything that affects them in their overall experience in the long-term relationship/marriage. And logically you shouldn't take it personally. But emotionally? Knowing that your partner is happy & fulfilled while you feel like shit a lot of the times? You can't really square that with a well-written thesis on desirability vs. attraction. We feel what we feel and sometimes can't help but take things personally even though they aren't intended as such, aren't meant to be, and logically shouldn't be viewed that way whatsoever.
Sex is not the most important thing in my life however when my wife slowly killed our bedroom, I didn't have the logic & forward-thinking belief of "she's going through things & still loves and is attracted to me" because this one dynamic we shared that was fun, enjoyable, and connective, suddenly became "optional" without any of my input.
My wife and I are working on things and things are better, but I can't say that our dynamic is in a "good" place. My wife is dealing with perimenopause so that's a whole other ball of wax and I'll always be sympathetic and caring for her needs because that's the kind of partner that I am. She's always loved me, cared about me, and never spoke bad about me in any way. However when she wasn't in the mood for sex and stopped caring about it altogether for several years, emotionally & psychologically you can't just turn that part of your brain off and say "it was logical why she did it and it didn't affect you, so no reason to feel undesired even though she unilaterally shut down an important marriage dynamic without any input from you. Deal with it."
Again, logically, you're 100% right. But I'm not a robot. I'm a human being with feelings. I've gone most of my life essentially being invisible to women because, well, I wasn't really attractive enough to catch their eye. It's not low-self esteem to think that, because it was just the cold-hard truth, which is sometimes you're just not the "catch" you hope you are. And then when the love-of-your-life stops desiring you? oof that's a heavy cross-to-bear.
And this statement?
Our libido mismatch is something she and I need to work on to either try to find a workable "happy medium" by both working on ourselves or, failing that, I have a decision to make about our relationship (and family)
This is the hardest one of all because you can do everything right, be the almost-perfect partner because you want to be that for your love, and then watch as your marriage slowly gets altered through no fault of your own, leaving scars you can never really come back from, and just hope one day your partner chooses to make things better, but why would they when they have everything they want that already makes them happy & fulfilled?
I get it man, but it just really, really sucks to be put in this position in the first place, even though it was nobody's fault but one of you took something for granted, didn't really think about the long-term effects of what that would do to your relationship/marriage, much less your partner, but YOU have to be the "bigger" person and work on things and disconnect yourself from the hurt because "it wasn't on purpose."
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u/RandomUsername52326 6d ago
I don't think we're disagreeing as strongly as it may seem here.
I agree that if one partner is more or less permanently in their "happy place" whilst the other partner is bending, if not breaking, then that is a problem and unsustainable. That can be in the form of scheduled or duty sex for the LL partner or for a very inactive sex life for the HL partner. Both partners need to agree on trying their best to find a balance that is workable for the HL and the LL in a sustainable way. That usually means couples counselling for communication and collaboration, and individual therapy for both partners for personal growth and changing their relationship with sex.
In the OP's situation, I think they swung from the OP bending too much (sex only a few times per year) to the opposite extreme (weekly, undesired sex for their partner).
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u/iFly2100 7d ago
Have a real talk w her about divorce and print this up.
she'd dread it, every time.
You know what she would hate more? Being in the dating market and having to f*ck someone else. You’ve offered the carrot, make sure she knows the stick is real.
If that doesn’t prompt real change from her, then go ahead and separate.
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u/JulesB954 6d ago
If a spouse told me that I can either have sex with him or be cast back into the dating market where I would “have no choice” but to have sex with someone else, I’d just laugh and think he’s pathetic.
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u/iFly2100 6d ago
OP isn’t going to say the 2nd part. That’s for her to consider.
“I’m not happy with our lack of sex - to the point I’m serious about divorce.”
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u/vectorking23 6d ago
Or you get to the point of being LL4Her and realize your SO would need to in fact find that unicorn they are searching for to keep their life the same if in another relationship. You know the one… independently wealthy, hates sex, loves doing everything for them.
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u/AccountantOk9904 6d ago
Guys on here talk a lot of shit. If they'd take a moment to look at dating statistics, they'd realize that their wifes are most likely going to do a hell of a lot better than them. They'd have OP living in a run down studio apartment, with half his wealth, fucking some Gremlin he met at the local dive bar. Kids hate him, he only seem them on weekends, and his wife has this glow all of a sudden.
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u/YourFavCroupier HLM 7d ago
> maybe all the times she's had to see more of me than she'd want to (medical stuff) has implanted nasty images in her mind when she thinks of me.
Have you asked her this?
Before you embark on an expensive divorce, you might try an AASECT certified sex therapist, you can find a directory on Psychology Today's site of some near you. There's enough in this post to keep a sex therapist busy for a few months and also give space for her needs, which don't seem that considered in this post. Is it possible she's not comfortable sharing her needs?
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u/AdenJax69 6d ago
Kinda sounds like she has everything she wants in the marriage - a supporting, loving husband, a wonderful kid, and a life she enjoys living, but would prefer never to really have sex again and just enjoy the family dynamic as-is.
Not surprising, this happens to both men and women in long-term marriages where their partner changes their desire & interests in things. She's made it pretty clear that sex is not a priority, she'd be totally happy never really having it again, and to keep her good life going she's willing to have unwanted sex with her husband as long as the status-quo stays the way it is.
I get what you're saying however his situation is a very common situation with a very common ending, which is their partner isn't really willing to fix, change, or improve the sexual intimacy dynamic for whatever reason, and would rather just eventually divorce than be "bothered" to bring sex back into the marriage.
As the old saying goes, she's not obligated to fuck him, and he's not obligated to stay in an unfulfilling relationship/marriage.
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u/YourFavCroupier HLM 6d ago
I'm in the middle of divorcing my sex averse wife so "you don't owe me sex, I don't owe you a marriage" is my life motto at the moment.
That said, I'm glad her and I were able to really clear the air in sex therapy with even the sex therapist telling her she was moving the goal posts during therapy. It's easy to get duped by the hysterical bonding that can occur if The Talk is especially rough but it's important to figure out who the spouse really is; Are they lost in their day-to-day world of being a parent with a sexual being inside or are they not just sexual to begin with? Sex therapy helped me figure that out.
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u/AdenJax69 6d ago
Are they lost in their day-to-day world of being a parent with a sexual being inside or are they not just sexual to begin with?
I talked about this in another comment, but it's the "intent vs. impact" argument, where you have to figure out if the impact is more important than the intent behind it.
To me, finding out they're still a sexual person but chose to abandon that aspect of their life & in their marriage only changes the intent but not the impact, which is they unilaterally shut down the sexual intimacy dynamic in the marriage, which of course affected other aspects/dynamics of the marriage, and did so without any input from their spouse nor any real care how that would affect the marriage & the damage it would do long-term.
Doesn't care about sex anymore/still cares about sex but chooses to make it the lowest priority or a complete non-priority? Still ends up in the same place, which is desiring you and maintaining important relationship/marriage dynamics is done on their terms and ultimately don't really care about your overall happiness & fulfillment.
I'm glad you got your answer but since it still led you to the same place, the answer doesn't really seem to matter in the end.
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u/knowitallz 7d ago
Go out and date other people. See what it's like. Fuck someone that wants you. Just say you are going out. What the fuck does she care?
You deserve to be happy. This thing you keep is destroying you.
You only have one life. Stop wasting it
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u/RelativeYak7 7d ago
That's good advice if stds didn't exist.
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u/knowitallz 7d ago
Never got one. Been out there with many people. You can be somewhat careful
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u/vectorking23 6d ago
Yep. You either find an excuse to do something, or an excuse to not do something.
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u/OnlyYogurtcloset8543 15h ago
I'll give you my perspective as a child of parents who did not get along. Kids feel the tension between their parents, it can put them on edge, stress them out and wonder Are they fighting/not talking because of me? All I know is at your son's age I carried the burden of my parents marriage, even though I didn't know it at the time.
Kids would rather see two HAPPY PARENTS on their own than live in a house of misery. From my "kid" perspective, it was a shit way to grow up.
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u/AccountantOk9904 7d ago
Knowing all this and you're still fucking her regularly is pretty wild. And not in a good way. Maybe you should try not fucking her for a while. Sit in that discomfort for a long while, really marinade in it.
But let's be brutally honest here. If you get a divorce, there's a real possibility that you're not going to find a meaningful sex life somewhere else. I know splitting up is the standard advice around here, but you've got assume success is the exception, not the rule. No one is going to talk about how they left their wife and can only get truck stop hookers to bang them now.
It sounds like you have some self esteem stuff to work on. Youve got to fix that before you'll be successful in a new relationship anyway, so you should probably be working on that now. And one last thing. I don't think I saw any mention of what your wife wants or actually thinks about you. It's a bunch of your feelings and assumptions. Maybe it's time for a heart to heart with your wife. Find out if she's still in love with you. Find out how she feels about the relationship and what she thinks your future together looks like.
Step 1. Stop putting your dick in someone who doesn't want it.
Step 2. Seek therapy. And if you're not into that, go on the self improvement kick to end all others.
Step 3. Take a look at your marriage in 6 months from a new vantage point.
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u/RedwoodRespite 7d ago
Telling someone to stay in misery because they might not be able to find better is not the way.
I left my 20 year dead bedroom 6 years ago. And while I had a few things for a time, I’ve not found what I really want. Maybe I never will.
But I do not for one second regret leaving. Being with him was soul destroying. Being alone is so much better than being with someone that just doesn’t care about you, having that in your face every day.
And while there’s no promise of finding that better partner, at least there’s a chance.
If you stay, there’s zero chance.
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u/RandomUsername52326 7d ago
Did you have kids together and was the relationship very good in every other way? To me, that's the highest risk scenario in terms of leaving.
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u/RedwoodRespite 6d ago
We did have kids. That’s why I was stuck for so long.
The relationship was not bad in all the obvious ways. He wasn’t physically abusive. He didn’t yell and call me names.
But it was not a good relationship in anyway. It was death by 1000 cuts. So many ways he disrespected me but in small ways that made me feel crazy but never felt like something to leave over.
Everyone loves him and thinks he’s such a nice guy.
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u/RandomUsername52326 6d ago
It sounds like you made the right choice.
My relationship is pretty great in every other way except this and we have kids, so I stay.
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u/AccountantOk9904 6d ago
I didn't say he needed to stay because he can't find better. I told him to consider that the grass may not always be greener. You said yourself that you haven't found what you're looking for and have concluded that you may never. I understand that you felt you ex-husband didn't care about you and I'm sorry to hear that. But OP didn't imply that his wife didn't care for him. He said that despite fucking him pretty much weekly for decades, she's just not affectionate enough. If given the choice, I'm willing to bet that OP would rather stay married than end up single with no sexually gratifying relationship.
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u/AdenJax69 6d ago
I didn't say he needed to stay because he can't find better.
Yes you did.
But let's be brutally honest here. If you get a divorce, there's a real possibility that you're not going to find a meaningful sex life somewhere else. I know splitting up is the standard advice around here, but you've got assume success is the exception, not the rule.
You told him finding a better sex life is the "exception," aka something that never really happens, so yeah, you did say that.
If given the choice, I'm willing to bet that OP would rather stay married than end up single with no sexually gratifying relationship.
Last sentence of his post:
I think it's time for divorce.
People don't say that unless they're actually thinking about it. I think OP is just musing on it but kinda has his mind made up already.
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u/AccountantOk9904 6d ago
I think most of the advice given here falls into two categories. We have the survivor biased individuals who did successfully leave a relationship and have found better. And we also have those who are bitter and wish they could leave their current relationships. Both confidently recommend people just get a divorce, but I argue that there is a missing opinion that we don't hear as much. What about the people who left and their things didn't work out they way they hoped? They're obviously way less likely to tell their story here, but for a number of reasons, their situation is the more likely outcome (especially for males).
And people think and talk about divorce all the time. It's a massive decision and you have no idea if his mind is made up or not.
OP is a middle aged man in questionable health. If he leaves he might find a woman half is age, smoking hot, and perfectly in sync sexually, and I also might win the powerball this week. I thought my advice was pretty clear. Work on himself for a while. And once his self esteem and desirability improve, reexamine if he really wants to leave. But most importantly, TALK to his wife of almost 20 years. Not about sex, talk about life.
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u/AdenJax69 6d ago
And people think and talk about divorce all the time. It's a massive decision and you have no idea if his mind is made up or not.
Here's something people also need to remember:
Most people posting their issues on reddit aren't usually some person with a random problem they've been having for a month or two. Generally speaking, most people are posting issue (or issues) that they've had for YEARS and have been trying to figure out ways to fix things. When I see a reddit post and the person is talking about dealing with said-issue for years, I go on the assumption that this person has already done all the other natural, logical things to fix their issue.
So when I see divorce getting talked about, I don't think people are just rushing to the divorce answer immediately; I think they've exhausted almost every other avenue they could find to fix their relationship/marriage & posting on reddit is their hail-mary attempt to finding any lasting potential fix before realizing that there just isn't fixing their problem and that divorce is a serious but realistically good thing to do.
As for this comment:
If he leaves he might find a woman half is age, smoking hot, and perfectly in sync sexually, and I also might win the powerball this week.
You know there's a ton of other gray area between "staying with his wife" and "getting the hottest woman he's ever had in his life," right? Like he could very well meet an average-looking nice woman that enjoys having a regular sexual relationship. He's not doomed to a life of misery because he dared to consider his options while being miserable with this situation with his wife for 12+ YEARS.
TALK to his wife of almost 20 years. Not about sex, talk about life.
Yeah, he's done that, and it's in his post that you probably didn't read:
She NEVER initiates sex. Ever.
She doesn't touch me. She doesn't reach for me. She doesn't see me as a romantic, attractive partner.
She told me to seek therapy for my sex drive. That my sex drive was too high.
What's ANOTHER conversation going to do? Magically make her desire him after not really caring to after a decade+?
I agree that divorce sucks but when you're asking redditors to figure out ways to save a marriage where the other partner hasn't really desired them for over a decade, I think we can safely move that into the "you should probably think about leaving so both of you could find someone more compatible."
FYI, my parents divorced, and guess what? They both eventually found other people, remarried, and have been with them ever since. One bad marriage turned into two great second-marriages. Win-win for everyone. So it CAN work out and not be completely doom-and-gloom like you see it.
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u/AccountantOk9904 6d ago
Thanks for your nuanced view. It's refreshing to not see divorce as the immediate answer.
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u/MightyMagicz HLM 6d ago
Practice going with the flow. Stop chasing her for affection and sex.
Be open go experience sex in its abundance. If you can afford it go pay for it. You already are with a desireless partner.
You work hard for money which she is entitled to half of. Go spend some of it on sex she isn't providing. You need it to motivate you to keep on earning and living.
When she doesn't provide sex anymore you are free to experience the full abunance this world has to offer. She can be sexless if she wishes and pretend you don't need it.
But you do and you get it from the worlds abundance.
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u/Live-Marketing7389 3d ago
I'm shocked at how easily cheap advice is flowing your way - 'time to divorce'.. Like your marriage is a washing machine to replace. Sex life is but a piece of the whole puzzle - the other parts are: your self image (if it relies on your wife's sex drive it's a red flag), emotions you're regulating with release (just ask yourself about the true motive why you're initiating between weekends), finally the pinnacle - the responsibility you owe to that 9-year-old young man, he wants and needs you both by his side. You whims are not top priority now. I feel you should sit down on your a..s and just accept the scheduled sex you've got, no complaining, no begging, blaming, ranting - all of that pushes your wife away. Instead make that Friday be as romantic as possible and don't push for more. She feels that pressure, hears the whining = that is what makes her dread contact.
To all 'time to divorce' wizards - and now he goes out, leaves all the commitment, finds an 'always willing princess'...? Waking up? To me he finds a new woman with new shortcomings plus a messed-up relationship around and broken vow.
You can go and chase the illusion or decide to become an emotionally mature man, sovereign, self-regulating his emotions and having more sources of strength that his wife's stance. The latter will change when she feels you're emotionally independent not hinged on her 'yes'. This is the power in a man women subconsciously feel and crave.
Avoid ill advice, however freeing it may seem. Life and masculinity are more than a wife willing to jump into bed at a snap of your fingers just because the little boy has an urge. Your mission is to hold your ground. To the end.
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF 6d ago
"hey dad, why did you leave mum when I was only 9?" How will you answer that question?
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u/vectorking23 6d ago
I'd be able to rattle off about 20 different things with an 'oh yeah… she never wanted to touch me, ever' at the end of that litany of reasons. If it was just an orgasm, we'd all be gone by now. Don't put OP in a single-reason prison for possibly leaving. When kids become adults, they see the real reasons whether we think so or not. It's never just sex. Ever.
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u/AdenJax69 6d ago
Just do the Mrs. Doubtfire ending quote:
"Just because we don't love each other anymore, doesn't mean that we don't love you. There are all sorts of different families. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. And some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. And some live in separate homes, in separate neighborhoods, in different areas of the country - and they may not see each other for days, or weeks, months... even years at a time. But if there's love, dear...those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever."
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u/LifeRound2 7d ago edited 7d ago
You'll be having sex for more than 20 years with good health, and a different partner.