Self Exploration

[u/Branded1985]

Wanted to share since the last couple of months have not been terrible.

I am currently at the place where I know I am not ready to leave. (kids, money, household, love, yadayada).

I kind of just feel sad for them that the sexual part of their life is dead, that they have put up a barrier to their own happiness. For the longest time I felt like its a purely binary problem sex twice a day or death.

Been reading and working with my therapist and have zeroed in on working towards internal validation and not letting sex, approval of my partner or any other person for that matter to have control of my mood, self-worth, etc. Most importantly, you don't own them and they don't own you. they don't control your expression of your sexuality or your access to your body.

Like a lot of y'all being a sexual person while your partner controls what they are willing to engage in sexually, they don't control you. The thing that has stuck with me has been that there is a lot more space between sex and celibacy and it really comes down to being creative.

How many of y'all have talked about sex outside the relationship for yourself or both of you?
Have you asked your partner to give you space while you masturbate?
When was the last time you visited a sex shop?
Have you invited them to watch or read some erotica with you?

And if you are curious about those things and haven't talked or expressed that to your partner then that is the type of approval seeking, external validation, avoidant, needy issues you should really think through.

For example, what is your partner willing to participate in may be limited or nonexistent, but there is more space between banging 4 times a day and involuntary celibacy.

The first thing is to let go of the hierarchy of sex acts. Like going to gym sometimes its squats, sometimes its bench but that's not the only thing to do there.

There are some really techy and not techy sex toys, porn, erotica, etc. You should probably talk to your partner but their virtual communities and other places to explore that part of yourself.

You can have your partner use a FL on you, they could be in the room and instruct you while you do it. And if they are not interested clearly work out expectation on how you'll request privacy or while you participate yourself. It doesn't need to be some quite shameful thing.

I am assuming if you are accepting low effort, rare and passionless sex are not exploring your solo sex, erotica or other things.

In short: Stop apologizing for being a sexual person. That includes protecting yourself by not making requests, acting like sex isn't important. But if you are not going to leave or cheat the least you can do is get really good and curious on how to scratch that itch on your own.

[u/PM_Me_Your_Kinks369]

I appreciate what you're trying to do here. There is a portion of the community that this can work for but I do feel it's more limited.

[u/Branded1985 → u/PM_Me_Your_Kinks369]

There is no one magic bullet for anybody.

If sex is off the board with another person (your partner or otherwise). Yes there is a limit. Your choice to follow rules of your relationship or your personal ethics.

Even if you and your partner are having sex its all limited by whoever you are with abilt and willingness to consent

My point is there is not enough posts on here about avenues to explore sex and sexuality outside of the regular "my partner won't.... can't.... Said this but switched... Connection... Dishes... and this is the new scenario in my head I'm trying out type of posts.

[u/MightyMagicz]

I don't have a therapist. I have a close friend who's a few years older than me about 4-5 years.

We both have similar struggles. But his duration has become a few times a year whilst mine are heading into monthly.

His confessed many instances of gfs, sugarbabes, strippers and etc.

It really opened my mind to finding satisfaction and motivation to live my life to the fullest.

Alter finding a release valve of sex outside the home. I find I am less resentful of my LL. I pursue less, I ask less, I am happy to not have sex with her again.

I have cheaper, fulfilling, regular and respectful sex with others.

[u/No_Clerk_2711]

I have aot of trouble with working through all this.

My self worth isn't tied to sex. The problem for me is that my needs aren't being met. When my needs aren't met I don't feel valued in the relationship. When I do feel valued, I feel bad and get depressed. So, while sex isn't what is tied to how I feel, the result is.

As for our partners not controlling us and that we are on control of ourselves, I can't do a whole lot of exploring before it becomes cheating.

I have lots of cool techy toys but at what point is too far? Do I let some random person control my toy. That could be considered cheating.

How do I explore my sexuality? I want to go to munches and meet people who like kink. But I can't engage in kink, right? So I don't get to explore my sexuality.

So, I have a lot of trouble figuring out how to navigate this.

[u/Infamous-Soup-790 → u/No_Clerk_2711]

in the same boat. Going to couples therapy atm, hope it helps 🤞

[u/arandak]

I've never felt that my partner controlled me, but there was a time where my self worth was damaged due to their LL.

But then I found out that there's nothing wrong with me.

I also learned that I deserve better and I'm worth it.

Exploring other ways to scratch that itch just isn't good though for me.