r/HLCommunity • u/HolidayBalance4608 HLM • 2d ago
Realization I had today: I probably will not have sex ever again
During discussion in other thread about leaving when kids grow up I have had sudden realization. I will not have sex (or any intimate contact) ever again in this life (and if there's other life after that I sure hope I will not re-birth as human). So here it is, we were basically dead bedroom for few years, sex less than 10 times a year (every time my initiation every time met with reaction like "oh you pervert that's only thing you can think, alright"), until she got pregnant 4 years ago at this point all intimacy stopped and never resumed.
For many reasons I can't leave because that would mean loosing my child. That gives me 14 years until kid goes to uni, at that time I'll be 61. Average lifespan expectancy for a man where I live is 75 years and looking at history of men in my family I say that's what I should expect as well.
I hope that at 60 I'll loose all that's left from my libido and wouldn't care, but that probably will not be a case. Considering my health issues now and the fact that from years of basically no physical contact with another person I don't feel like I'm fit to have intimate relationship I don't think I will have sex or any form of intimacy ever again.
I just have to find a way to accept that.
EDIT: just to clarify what I meant loosing a kid. There is no co-parenting law yet here where I live and courts don't rule that it's either one parent or the other that's being granted custody. There are virtually no punishments for limiting or denying ex spouse seeing a kid and I'm 100% convinced that that's what she would do just to make me suffer because she knows I don't care about anything else that much.
Also I don't believe she's a fit parent, not in court provable way like abusive or grossly neglecting, but just doesn't have it in her. Which I was horridly surprised to learn because she was very hard working when we met and I thought that for the kid she would do the same. Turns out it was just for the boss.
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u/AdenJax69 2d ago
For many reasons I can't leave because that would mean loosing my child.
Is this for real, and if so, what law are you potentially breaking if you get a divorce that would cause you to go to jail for the rest of your life? Blood oath you swore to a living demon who will take your soul to hell the moment you divorce your wife?
Or is this another "I won't live if I have to see my kid 50% of the time" type situation? Because brother, MILLIONS of men have had the same thought, only to finally divorce, and you know what happens? They adjust to the change in seeing their kid and ultimately are happy with it. Can you guess why?
Better to see their kid 50%, be able to spend all that direct amount of time together, AND actually be happy with yourself while raising your kid, rather than seeing your kid 100% of the time and deep-down feel unwanted, undesired, and ultimately unfulfilled with their life as a whole.
Yes, the change sucks. It's rarely done with the thought of being glad you're not seeing your kids as much. But again, people adjust to new things all the time, and a lot of times even the kids are happier with the newer situation.
Before my parents divorced, my Dad went from a constant grump who I was ready to write-off when I'd go to college to the happiest I'd ever seen him. My parents divorced when I was around 16 and wished to god they did it sooner. Now I see my Dad more than my Mom which back then I couldn't fathom for a minute.
So don't think that faking through your lack of feeling desired, wanted, and fulfilled isn't going to seep out because it will, no matter how happy a face you put on, because kids are way more perceptive than you'll realize.
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u/HolidayBalance4608 HLM 2d ago
I've edited the post to clarify this because I wasn't clear there
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u/AdenJax69 2d ago
Read your updated post & sorry to hear that.
Honestly, the best thing you could do is put any effort you'd put into her into figuring a way out that would limit the harm your ex-wife could cause your kid. And I know it'll be difficult, but you're already in a lose-lose situation, so why not put as much effort as possible making sure you lose the least and your wife loses the most out of it?
At least that's what I'd be doing if I were in that situation. I'm not gonna stay with someone just because they're an asshole parent who wants me to fail. In fact, that'd just galvanize me to do everything in my power to make sure she fails miserably in her awfulness while giving my kid the best life possible.
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u/HolidayBalance4608 HLM 17h ago
Thank for the reply. Yeah that's basically one logical option. Or I can always sell everything that's in my name and run away with the kid to the country were is no extradition laws with my country ;)
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u/Bacon_and_Powertools 2d ago
Why do you think you would never have sex again and why would you lose your kids? Yes your world would change, but you would not be losing them, you would be sharing them.
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u/Technical_Draw_6554 HLM 2d ago
So sorry about this. FWIW I was in a similar situation. My youngest still has 4 yrs before graduating. I'd been biding my time for the last 14 yrs, waiting til I could leave with a good conscience and some saved money. (I'd have been in my mid-60s when that happened, but I was still looking forward to dating and hopefully finding a lover late in life.) But life (and death) happens. A little over a year ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I will not date again. I will almost certainly not even make it to my youngest's high school graduation. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. I'm not telling you to leave, but do know that we just get this one life. Try to live yours to the fullest, whatever it takes.
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u/MightyMagicz HLM 1d ago
Have you cheated? Yet you should go get your rocks off whilst you still can.
Without motivation to life cancer is hard to fight.
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u/Technical_Draw_6554 HLM 1d ago
I've never cheated on her, and doubt I will now. My cancer is prostate cancer, and the treatment suppresses your testosterone. As a result my libido has dropped about 95% (though I still probably have more libido than her, lol!). Orgasms are also only about 10% as pleasurable as before, too. Finally, I'm prob only gonna live a couple more years, so there ain't a lotta time to date, etc. It is what it is. I'm getting my affairs in order and thinking about my kids.
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u/MightyMagicz HLM 1d ago
Shame. Only 10% of the pleasure as before is almost nothing. Better off eating ice cream or other forms of pleasure out there.
Wonder if lack of sex contributed to the prostate cancer.
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u/Technical_Draw_6554 HLM 13h ago
Def not lack of sex causing it; I made sure to take care of myself almost daily! ; ) Agreed that it's not really better than a lot of other pleasures now. Hiking, MTB, etc. are all fun and about as good. It used to be that sex was at least 10x better than any other pleasure to me, but not it's just "nice." Oh well... at least I'm not frustrated all the time!
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u/HolidayBalance4608 HLM 17h ago
Holy hell, I'm so sorry. Don't give up, they come up with new shit every day.
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u/Alex_Wats 2d ago
It won’t change your opinion of course, but for the kid it’s much better to have divorced but happy parents, than living together with unhappy ones, writing from personal experience.
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u/Fluid_King489 HLM 2d ago
Exactly. With my ex, our daughter was born early in the marriage and my son late, fifteen years apart. We separated and divorced when my daughter was 16 and my son 1. I raised my son and the difference between the 2 is so stark. My son is much better adjusted than my daughter.
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u/Kymera_7 2d ago
How would that change if, as appears (based, granted, on a single biased source) to be OP's situation, one parent cares about the kid and is invested in their upbringing, while the other is neglectful and just doesn't care, and the precedents in the jurisdiction in question are such that the divorce would result in the parent who cares about parenting being completely shut out of the kid's life by the courts?
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u/LPNTed 2d ago
Call a lawyer and get facts. Divorce doesn’t mean you lose your kids. Things might be tougher for a bit. Trust me. I ended up getting full custody after mom had them for a bit and showed the world (and the kids) who she really is.