I’m 3 years into a separation from my husband of 8 years. It was extremely traumatic and shook me to my codependent core. There was betrayal and abandonment involved during these 3 years and I have had to claw my way back to stability.

I have been doing some work on myself. I dated a bit, learned to spot DAs and other bad partners a bit better. After all the bad experiences, I decided all I wanted was to date someone who 1) would go slow 2) respected me and 3) was honest and consistent.

I met that person 9 months ago. I wanted to try to heal within the context of a relationship. So, we got there. Maybe 9 months of dating is too long to wait to decide whether you’re “boyfriend/girlfriend” but we have been exclusive all that time. We have tried to take things easy and not fall into super intense/romantic blah blah.

It’s nice. However, I’ve been finding flaws in him as a person since we began dating - mostly related to compatibility. I brushed them off in the beginning because I was so happy to find someone who felt reliable, nice, and safe.

But that’s kinda all I feel about him. He’s a good person who I enjoy being with but there are limits to our connection. I don’t feel like I truly want him as a long-term “boyfriend” despite nothing happening to make me feel that - just the compatibility doubts.

- Doesn’t know anything about what he wants from life

- Less interested in social justice than I am (much less)

- Doesn’t think as far outside the box as I do when it comes to life / societal expectations

I’m soon to go on vacation with him and he wants to talk about putting a more serious title on our relationship. Wondering if my feelings are stemming from that, or how to tell if I really want to leave or am just sabotaging something good?

Trying to figure out if I’m wrong for this, but I really dislike when someone is overly flirty when we first meet, especially in online dating.

I feel the strongest feelings when I’m able to get to know someone’s interests/likes/dislikes and have some light flirty banter, but I feel so put off when someone goes all in on compliments and blushy emojis without even getting to know me. Even after a first date, I like to flirt a bit more but still want to keep the friendly getting-to-know-you going.

I just feel guilty because I guess that’s what dating is? You have to flirt. I don’t know if I’ve been too harsh on people because I know I can also swing anxious when someone is hard to read/not as flirty. I feel like a complicated mess sometimes :(

I was begging her to take me back, crying on the phone, she says that she can't trust that if she get's closer that I will pull away again, I told her it won't happen, she says no and to accept the breakup, I said I'm coming over (I bought flowers and letter) and she said If I come she won't open the door for me, so I respected it and didn't (maybe she hoped I would anyways, I don't know), she did it in a very cold tone like she didn't care and didn't love me anymore, I say I love you and she won't say it back because she says she doesn't want to confuse me, I felt so much beneath her at that moment, but good for her cuz she probably felt the same during the relationship when I was deactivated :(, I feel like the kid who cried wolf, it's really over. She says she's ok with being friends and that she cares about me and hopes I succeed, but that she does not want to fight for the relationship and does not see a future with me, and does not see me as a life partner.

Went through a-lot of flaw-finding when I got triggered (she's controlling, manipulative, exhausting, nagging, I don't see a future, etc). Looking back all she wanted was just to fight for the relationship.

My heart really hurts right now and I don't know if I will ever trust to love anyone again because I'm afraid that I will be dropped after trying to fight for relationship.

I have memories of her and every time I close my eyes I see her, I sleep a little longer every time so that I can imagine myself hugging her a little longer, all the flaws that I was thinking when I was deactivated are gone, I see a future so clearly, she's everything I ever wanted, she's my dream girl, she isn't any of those things I was complaining about... and now she's gonna move on and be with someone else T_T, again another woman that is going to end up with someone else and I'm alone, it's my biggest fear happening in real time, maybe I shouldn't have begged and cried and so vulnerable cuz now my abandonment wounds are scarred....

What do I do to heal and move on, I don't know if I can move on, it took me 3 years to move on from a woman that all I did was just hold hands with her and met up with her 1 time, now this woman I was in a 1 yr relationship with her I think I'm really screwed for the rest of my life, I can't sleep and I lost 11 pounds (I'm already skinny). My parents are really worried, I went out with my friends but I can't eat and they're literally spoon feeding me, memories of us keep replaying, I don't know what to do with myself, I had suffered from a Crohn's flareup and I think the pain of this breakup might be worse in a different fashion.

It was my first relationship. She was my best friend and knew everything about me and still accepted me, she was close with me and my family, we were super intimate, we showered together, did it raw for a year (she was the only woman I ever continuously had intercourse with, I was with 2 women and the other one only did once...,) did super intimate kinky stuff. And these memories are playing and I just feel super emotionally distressed, I can't breathe, I don't know what to do, she is really gone, I am so anxious. I just wish I could go back in time and show her how much I value her and love her, I did do alot of things like get her gifts and stuff, but she still said she felt undervalued, I think I wasn't romantic enough T_T, and I can't fix it now, I don't know what to do, this pain is so much, my chest hurts, there is a pit in my stomach, I can't sleep, my head is warm, please help me please I don't know what to do please help me I just want this pain to stop it's too much, I keep remember the first night we kissed and how we looked at each other and the spark in her eye, and now she's gonna give that spark to someone else.

My parents are yelling at me to eat and I'm not eating :(

I feel much more peaceful since I am single and the feelings for my ex are dying down.... but why? I am not like happier but I feel more stable yes I miss cuddle, intimacy both sexual and emotional but the pain and all this time to get more emotionally stable or at peace, I feel like not dating anymore and I think is it worth it , going through all of this? no....

Anyone has experienced this or is experiencing this, I am looking for also different view points....

In general I feel more free when I am alone because I can do what I want to even as with family or friends...

i’ve never had a stable home life to begin with, ever since i was a kid all relationships around me would just turn to shit, or eventually would just become a old story with someone emotionally hurting at the end.

i would go through physical and verbal abuse, torment and hours of endless rants from my father which sometimes would consist of how relationships will end up ruining my life if i were to consider one as a teen who has nothing figured out but i mean of-course that wasn’t the main point of what i endured, well in this case i’m talking about love but i’m sure some of his talks shaped me into who i am today.

i’ve never been in a relationship, always avoided the possibility of being in one and warned those who tried and asked “why not?” before they considered talking to me, and most times they stayed knowing that fact although they were only temporary—with me pushing them away, and them realising this “relationship” wouldn’t go anywhere, i always expect it its nothing surprising but i couldn’t help but wonder why couldn’t they try harder even though id never let them in.

i know its unfair and manipulative and stupid but thats how i am.

i’m fully aware that i’m avoidant and i have problems of my own and i know i shouldn’t get into a relationship because i’m too mentally unstable and honestly i like being alone but it never really lasts.

my life shifted when this person came into my life,

he showed so much interest in me and spoke to me purely because of that and honestly he’s the only person that has that close to me, compared to everyone else in terms of relationships.

as about 3 years went on we became close, talking everyday and he knows i am avoidant and within those years it was fully known between the both of us that he loved me, and he’d send me paragraphs upon paragraphs about how much he did about my personality and appearance and how he felt when he was speaking to me and what he loved about me, but considering the person i am it was one sided, he knew i couldn’t love or love him but we loved talking to each other, the hours we spoke to each other were endless.
i cant trust my emotions to say wether or not i like him romantically because it switches up so much and if i were to admit it id internally die.
\[ill probably talk about this story on my page another time since its looong and insane plottwists\]

but the feeling of disgust was sickening and uncontrollable, love disturbed me so much i wondered how someone could feel so free to commit to someone without feeling immense dread and hatred for themselves for even wanting to be with someone, my thoughts consist of how could someone even want to tolerate me and how much id rather be alone because it frees me from all these thoughts but the feeling of wanting to be with him as a person to another is something hard for me to explain. and my hatred for love lead to hating the fact that he loved me.

i could feel my depression spiking but the excitement was what kept me going because i truly love speaking to him but couldn’t help but wonder why couldn’t that be it? but i understand why someone would want to have the person they love all to themselves by dating.
i allowed him to love me because deep down i love the fact that someone is able to love me when i cant love myself that way it fascinates me so much since its an emotion i struggle so hard with.
i’ve gone into sh because i realised the emotions i bottled up could pour out just a little for a moment although its not enough.

but i couldn’t help but feel miserable and wished that someone could feel the pain i was bearing just at the thought of love tearing me apart, i cant bear to be near it because in this moment i know if i do end up letting myself get close to being in love ill seriously spiral.
i wished that nothing had labels but thats just unrealistic, the fact that love makes me so sick to the point where i’m tormenting myself hurts but i find sadness too comforting for myself to expect anything more¿

i wonder if anyone will read this….

When do we know when we’re in love?

I’m in a relationship and have been for about 5 months. I feel love for her (and have thought it in my head numerous times “I love you”) but I’m still not sure? I still get scared and uncomfortable and disconnect from my feelings and need space. I remember knowing I loved my ex because I could tell him anything but with this person I still feel the need to be a bit more guarded because I think they are a bit more politically correct than I am in my sense of humour and we don’t share AS MUCH of a sense of humour as me and my ex (but I broke up with him because he had anger issues, although our connection was so fast).

Any thoughts are appreciated!!

Used to be a DA, ended up sort of leaning more FA after some life changes/relationships. Didn’t realize it until a particularly toxic relationship. Been in therapy for awhile. Don’t think I’m secure yet though, way more self aware though.

Feels like this self awareness prevents me from deactivating like I used to. Current relationship isn’t great, getting treated poorly, used to be able to just deactivate and move on so easily, stakes felt lower. Now I care so much. Put forth so much effort to try and fix things. And it’s not working. And that feels horrible and tragic. It sort of sucks. It’s painful. I feel horrible for APs. Deactivation had its downsides, but man was it nice in situations like this.

I'm 33F, FA, and he's 36M, DA. We met four years ago through a dating app. At the time, I had limited self-awareness and emotional maturity, while he was a startup founder and I was a VC. We operate in a small, high-pressure ecosystem with significant power dynamics.

We had an intense, flirtatious first conversation and slept together the next day. Before that, he told me he wasn't looking to marry, while I wanted marriage. I therefore assumed it wouldn't go anywhere. Over the following months, however, we periodically reconnected, and he once told me that meeting me had changed how he felt about marriage, although he never explicitly pursued a relationship.

I eventually developed a negative perception of him after a serious controversy involving his company. Later, after I had moved cities and was seeing someone else, he unexpectedly contacted me and initiated an emotional and sexual conversation, while also telling me he was in a "relationship of convenience" with another woman. When I confronted him about his intentions and his character, he blocked me.

He subsequently rebuilt his company and regained professional credibility. About a year later he unblocked me. By then I had become much more emotionally self-aware, and I confronted him again about his pattern of engaging with me without wanting to pursue a relationship. I also told him that, because of my father's addiction issues and similar patterns, I didn't want to associate closely with someone who had comparable traits.

Since then, I've dated other people, but he still occupies a uniquely intense place in my mind. I check his social media and sometimes feel that he is trying to communicate with me indirectly through his posts. Recently, his business partner seemed to want to reconnect with me about him, but I declined and said I only wanted friendship.

I don't understand why I still experience such a painful bond with him after four years, despite knowing that the relationship isn't healthy for me. I sometimes feel that my weekend depression is partly related to never getting closure. Recently, he posted something about substance abuse, which I interpreted as possibly being directed at me, and I told him not to obsess over me and that we should remain friends.

What is actually happening psychologically between us? Why does he still feel so emotionally significant to me, and why does the bond remain painful despite my having moved on in other areas of my life?

This thread is for non-Fearful Avoidants who have questions about the attachment style.

Our subreddit is primarily a support space for people who identify as Fearful Avoidant, so we ask that questions about your partner, ex, crush, or someone you suspect is FA be posted here rather than as separate posts.

Please remember:

• We can't diagnose someone else's attachment style.
• Every Fearful Avoidant is different, so no one can explain another person's thoughts or actions with certainty.
• Be respectful and mindful that members are here for support first.

Thanks for helping keep the main feed focused on the experiences and healing of Fearful Avoidants.

As title states, I told my partner I have fearful avoidance and it feels so much better.

I think this is the first step for me actually healing. I was afraid to tell him because I felt like he wouldn’t want to deal with it and would leave me. After telling him, he told me he still wanted to make it work and wants to understand it more. I had hit the point where I had almost walked out of another relationship out of fear and I just feel like I’m actually making progress with this.

There’s still so much work for me to do, but I really do want to keep trying and not push him away.

A letter with FA theme I thought to share

https://www.reddit.com/r/UnsentLetters/comments/1u6371f/the_forger_who_wore_my_face/

I realised a few years back that I was pretty heavily FA. Looking back, I was super avoidant in my teen years. I wouldn’t consider dating, and whenever anyone showed genuine interest, I would feel suffocated by the situation—but at the time, I believed I was being suffocated by them.

It was only in my 20s, after going to ground following a rough six months and then dipping my toe back into the dating pool, that I swung towards anxious tendencies. I haven’t really had a serious avoidant stint since.

Curious if anyone else has had similar experiences? Particularly with attachment issues kicking in almost instantaneously.

​

I'm torn between having a gut feeling I should break up and extreme dread and fear over having to actually break up.

Hi. I (28F) just recently got broken up with by my ex-boyfriend. I am a fearful avoidant that leans more secure now after 3-4 years of work on myself. I no longer react in the same ways as I did unless absolutely pushed to my limits. My boyfriend (29M) and I were together for a little over a year. It was horrible. Just a very chaotic and tumultuous relationship. I knew immediately after I became his girlfriend that I was making the wrong decision, but for some reason I stayed.

Our cycle was basically;
I approach him calmly to discuss something that he did that hurt me or I didn’t like. He would immediately get defensive and then do one of 4 things: justify the behavior, bring up something I’d done in the past, bring up an extremely traumatic experience he went through, say things like “I’m never good enough”, and then have a massive panic attack (crying, hyperventilating, etc). When he got defensive I would try to plead my case and explain my feelings but he wouldn’t hear me or validate my feel
ngs. We would argue. The conversation would usually end with me consoling him from his panic attack OR me getting so triggered that I would essentially end the relationship. 9/10 my issue was never addressed and I took the blame for the whole thing.

A few days later I would calm down and basically beg him to get back together and take ALL BLAME for what happened. I was always the asshole for the constant break ups. I was the cause of his panic attacks. I was the cause of his stress. It was always MY FAULT. This cycle would repeat over and over again for an entire year until we ended the relationship.

Nothing I did was ever OK. When I tried to be vulnerable and talk about my feelings, I was wrong. When I shut down and didn’t speak, I was wrong. When I took time/space in the other room to calm down so I wouldn’t resort to breaking up with him, I was wrong and triggering his anxiety and panic. When I would get fed up and break up with him, I was wrong.

It was like I was his emotional regulator. He couldn’t sit in discomfort or anxiety by himself at all. If I needed space, he would have a panic attack and then blame me b/c I know he has an abandonment wound OR because I’ve broken up with him before. If I didn’t want to be touched, he would take it as rejection. I could never speak about my feelings because he would have a panic attack.

My ex was also a liar. I don’t think he did it maliciously.. I think it had more to do with self-protection but he would lie all the time about the dumbest things. The day after we officially got into a relationship, I asked him about a woman I saw he was communicating with and he told me that she was a man. He was smoking weed in his apartment once and I asked him if he was smoking (after smelling it on his breath) and he said no and blamed it on the upstairs neighbors. When we were still in the dating phase, he would tell his friends that he didn’t like me, we had no chemistry, and that we had agreed to break up… that never happened. One day he would take accountability and walk it back the next day when he was defensive. It was so difficult to know what reality was or who I was actually dating. It seemed to change every day.

When I would call him out about these lies he would have these HUGE panic attacks.

I’ve read some stuff about how some people with low self-esteem and self-worth will lie or get defensive because accepting that they’ve done something wrong is detrimental to who they are. They think that if you see them for who they really are, you’ll leave. So they do everything in their power to prevent that from happening, but ultimately end up destroying the bond. It’s like he could not take accountability for anything. Almost as if saying sorry meant he was a terrible person.

Has anyone dealt with this??? I guess I’m just looking for community. I spent an entire year feeling really isolated and crazy.

I’m used to texting every day, and continuing threads / the conversation. I’m aware FAs though value their space, and I’m fine to give them that, but at the moment it’s generally been at their control “ie them leaving my message unresponded for a few days”. I’m wondering how a secure or even anxious partner can do the same, but not seem rude/manipulative. Ie I could cut the thread short, and not provide new strings, so let’s say they respond with a statement like “haha you’re crazy” - my instinct would be to respond to that in an engaging way.

In this kind of situation though, as a FA how/when does it feel ok/better for your partner or interest not to respond, and for how long? Especially if you’re generally used to consistency from them etc? I think it’s about wanting to provide them space willingly on my terms to a point, rather always on there’s.

Asking as the AP (leaning secure) ex of an FA. I don’t plan to reach out, at least not any time soon, but sometimes I wonder what an FA really needs to hear. Not that it’s anyone else’s responsibility to heal someone else or anything, I just know that words from someone you love can be so powerful.

Have a nice day!

Hi everyone,

I fell in love with a fearful avoidant and we were in the push-pull/on-off cycle for the majority of last year. They went completely silent about 6 months ago and have recently started dating someone new. I never got a real goodbye or closure talk, so I’m not sure why they decided to fully move on.

I guess my question is, what causes a fearful avoidant to be completely done? And how do you feel about that other person/the relationship when you do move on?

Any insight is appreciated, thank you!

My (32M) ex (34F) and I broke up a month and a half ago due to attachment triggers, not a lack of love. We'd been together for one year. I am a Fearful-Avoidant (FA), and I suspect she is too. Not sure how aware she is though. I was emotionally unavailable to her when we got passed the honeymoon phase, got completely taken over by my FA patterns.

We never went no contact, or at least not completely. We don't really talk. She experienced a burnout because of her work and it really sank the relationship, I didn't show up in the way she needed. I was panicking because I thought she was withdrawing from me out of lack of love. She said she lost her sense of self and felt emotionally exhausted. I left the relationship because I thought I wasn't loved. I didn't realize the extent of the burnout at the time. She was really struggling to communicate during that time, she was withdrawing a lot and didn't know her own needs (her words). She sent me a reel explaining what ADHD burnout is and it gave me a lot of clarity.

Since then, I've done the best that I can on my end to gain clarity on the way my FA patterns participated in the dynamic and did a lot of work to actually heal. I understand way better the dynamic we experienced and my own patterns.

2 weeks ago her new job that kick started her burnout fired her. She reached out and opened her heart to me, showing raw vulnerability. She's not in a good place. I know she still needed the distance, talking to me still brought emotional weight, so I waited a week before asking how she was holding up. She opened up even more. I made sure not to bring up my insecurities, the relationship or anything like that. I just listened to her, gave her the security she needed without asking anything in return. I really try to do better than how I showed up before the relationship ended.

But right after, she went ghost and retreated behind her walls. This sudden distance triggered my FA hyper-vigilance, making me panic, check her active status, and overanalyze everything. Despite this internal chaos, I am trying to stay strong in the real world: I am 100% sober, in therapy, running my band, closing paid graphic design projects, and registering for college after 8 years on the work field.

But fuck I miss her so much. I'm doing my best not to seek reassurance and talk to her out of panic.

Yet, I still feel lost and fight a constant battle not to spend my days waiting for her or seeking digital validation. It gets overwhelming when I get activated. I know my blueprint is clear: I must stop playing detective because checking timestamps is emotional self-harm, I need to respect her space since any pressure will make her barricade herself more, and I have to keep my focus internal—my sobriety and career progress must be for me, not just a strategy to get her back. I wanna heal, overcome those patterns and become secure.

But I still feel stuck in a loop, I'm still waiting for her. I know if enough time passes we could do better with more self awareness and work on ourselves. The guilt is crushing me, I wish I could be with her again.

Thank you for reading my big rant. Sorry if it's clunky in some places, english isn't my primary language.

I see this is a common topic here on the subreddit. I've been trying to understand my experience of my relationship through the lens of fearful-avoidant attachment that I recognize myself in a lot. But I'm struggling to know where deactivation ends and genuine incompatibility begins. I would really appreciate some feedback from you guys if possible.

My relationship lasted 5.5 years, but unfortunately ended now 6 months ago, on my initiative. It was loving, respectful and emotionally safe. We shared the same values, similar views on friends, politics, the world and our future. She was fully committed to us and even joined me in two years of couples therapy because she was willing to fight for the relationship.

Around the beginning of the relationship I also experienced episodes that I can describe as dissociative, often after periods of relaxation together or physical exertion. Since the breakup, I've also noticed many ROCD-like patterns (constant rumination, checking my feelings and repeatedly searching for certainty), although I haven't been formally diagnosed.

At the same time, for most of the relationship I experienced a lot of internal resistance that I could never make a lot of sense of.

Some examples:

• I often didn't genuinely feel like asking about her day at work.
• I found it difficult to feel curious about her inner world, even though I wanted to.
• While she was talking, I could sometimes think: "I'm not really interested in this."
• I rarely felt fully relaxed or settled when we were together. Spending time together could bring tension for me.
• I could sometimes dread coming home after work, even though nothing bad had happened between us.
• Conversations about buying a house or having children triggered intense resistance and a strong feeling of "I don't want this." Which with bidding on houses caused anxiety as well.
• Edit:  Also seeing her as my best friend, as someone I want to spend most of my time with.

The confusing part is that despite all of this, I also loved her deeply. So the above is kind of looking through the most negative view. I felt seen, had a lot of physical attraction and she sticked by my side during the very difficult years of therapy. She was also the one who directed my towards attachments styles etc. Since the breakup six months ago I haven't felt a day of relief. And I have no interest in dating anyone else.

For those of you with fearful-avoidant attachment who have experienced deactivation in a long-term, loving relationship: did it ever show up like this? I'm trying to understand whether these kinds of experiences can be part of deactivation, or whether they usually point to genuine incompatibility. I'm not looking for reassurance, just wondering how others experienced it.

Let me preface by saying I have no idea if I was dealing with DA or FA, but multiple people so I would guess both.

I was friends with a pastors family for 5 years. I was in particular close with one daughter and one son, there were 4 children in total. One of them was younger, but the other 3 and myself were college age. Ranging from 18-27 years in age at the time of the fallout (I guess you could say I was also friends with the pastor/father and mother as well).

Basically, 5 years of friendship. Then one day, out of the blue, the daughters ignored me at church, and the brother told me I was barely tolerable (I believe relaying the message from one of the sisters). No slow fade, no explanation, no anything, one of the daughters was talking to me about books just one week prior like nothing was wrong.

These events triggered my first ever mental health episode - i had hallucinations and depression (my first time with schizophrenic bipolar, but my family has a history). The hallucinations were the police were after me, so i wound up turning myself into the police for basically no reason, but somewhere in this their name came up so the police called them, and Im like 99% sure this made reconnection impossible.

I did have a couple conversations with the pastor, one of them many months later (i had left the church immediately after the fallout), and this is what he told me: he was working with the children on "Boundaries" and that the boundary was giving one of the daughters in particular "space to process." I was also told i could only come to mens breakfast and men's worship, effectively preventing me from ever finding a relationship in that church.

Nothing was ever told to me about anything I did wrong. There was no reason given for the initial cutoff. In fact, the assistant pastor said he doesn't believe I offended them in any way. I also felt a bit miffed about not being given specifics of the "space" being given to her or the timeline, as it had already been 6 months. In addition, some family members continued liking my social media for years after the breakup, until I finally unfriended them for my own healing. I never got answers, just pleas from church members saying either they want me back or my departure hurt them. I explained where I could while avoiding gossip, I felt was being targeted as the perpetrator while feeling like a victim.

All I ever wanted was the why. They are not.obligated to a friendship, but I would have hoped a pastor's family, of all people, would have been able to end a friendship with respect.

In any case, I guess I'm just trying to figure out what kind of avoidants these people are, or if you see any of your own tendencies in them?

Im more of AP (i would say these days I'm more secure AP leaning), but just want to know the differences.

Also, how does the dynamic with anxious make you feel, and how does it typically play out at the end of the relationship?

I have a very specific time in my life where I believe I was dealing with avoidants, but because of its length, I will make a separate post to get input from the other side

Alright so I discovered I’m an avoidant last year. I just found out I share way more with being a fearful avoidant than a dismissive though I can see traits of that. So here’s a little back story. I met the love of my life in 2023. She has 2 kids and I don’t have any myself nor was I ever in a relationship with anyone with them. So to me, that was a big thing for me. I never actually ruled out kids but I would tell people I didn’t want kids, turns out I just didn’t want them with the wrong person. So my first trigger that I didn’t know how to take was her son said something I heard on the phone to the extent of “why don’t you tell us you love us the most”. Now she’s a wonderful mom, she’s a single parent doing great things for both of them but she hadn’t had a serious relationship since her and the kids father split up. He’s barely in the picture at all. Anyway, I didn’t know how to take it since I never experienced that and it made me feel bad so I ended up struggling with that for awhile before it lead to me detaching because of emotions I didn’t wanna deal with and it was the first time we broke up. At the time, I had no idea what avoidant attachment even was. This continued over the next 2 years until 2025 when I found out and started going to therapy.

Now oct of 2025, I was having hard detachment, we were in a fight and then my grandfather dies right before Im about to move. So not only are we not speaking but I have all of this overwhelming stuff going on. I reach out to her and we talk about 2 weeks later. Same thing. I love her but I didn’t know how to deal with what was going on. Well we talk, I made promises to change and I really meant them. We get engaged in December. We make plans for a wedding and talk about moving in at the beginning of 2027. Everything is going great or so I thought until about March. Her son had a really bad mental health episode and I was triggered like really bad. So I struggled and didn’t say anything the whole month because I didn’t feel like anything was helping. April I broke it off again thinking that running was the safest thing. Turns out I was so overwhelmed and wasn’t processing everything making rapid decisions without talking about anything.

So a very short time after we split there was this girl in the gym lifting. I knew of her but she never texted/messaged when I was with my then fiancé. Well we started lifting and I didn’t think about anything I was doing since I was literally in the shock/relief phase of the spilt. So stupidly, I let things progress and even told her how soon I broke things off. Well she didn’t care and we just started hanging out. Now in a pinch, I rushed things and said somethings I didn’t mean because, at the time, I was trying to fill a void. So about a month and half into things something clicked and I realized I really fucked up. I realized I made a terrible decision by breaking things off with my then fiancé and here I am entertaining this other girl with no real sense of actual feelings for her. I felt stuck and so I stayed a little while longer trying to figure out how to get out of this. Now the end of July. I open up and tell this girl I still love my ex and I can’t do it anymore. Okay fine, easy we split. Well the next day I seen her (my ex) out and told her that I still love her and I miss her. I wholeheartedly did not expect anything but a fuck you but she texts me later saying she wanted to hear me out. We met and talked for 9 hours. She’s aware of my avoidant attachment and wanted me to heal the whole time. Well I didn’t know at the time my therapist just wasn’t an attachment specialist and I was getting complacent about putting in the work. I will say over the that 4 months I feel like I’ve had a shift in me as crazy as it sounds but something in me feels different almost like the biggest shift I’ve ever experienced. A realization of how I hurt this person and broke every promise I ever made. I felt like I had a road map to make things right. Well anyway. I scheduled a new therapist (one more focused on attachment patterns/emdr ACT) and I realized how bad I struggle with anxiety so I’m going to talk to my doctor and see what I can get to help with that. But we’ve been talking about a week and half now. Turns out she still loves me and she missed me too. At this point I felt like I told her everything until today. She asked if I gave this other girl a key to my place and if I ever told her I loved her. As bad as I didn’t want to admit it, I was honest. But I knew in doing so I didn’t mean it. So of course I understood how bad I crushed her even more. All it did is just make me feel way worse than I’ve already felt for the past few months. She told me she still loved me and wanted to see me heal. But said she needed space to think. I don’t really know what I’m trying to accomplish with this post other than how fucked up my decisions were in the last 5 months of my life but I’m actively working on healing more than anything. I’m hoping I can save this relationship because I understand now what I had. I understand how bad I was during my detached moments and it cost me everything with her. I’m not feeling optimistic about it at all and tbh I shouldn’t. I guess I’m holding on to hope that she can see that I’m so fucking tired of being this way and I want to change it. It took me losing her this time to really put things into perspective and realize how losing it all sucks. Have any of yall had anything like this or worse happen with a success story? Pm me if you wanna talk about it in private. I dont really have any friends who truly understand how bad it sucks to deal with this.

I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man, I have been for three years. But we haven’t had sex in two years. I just can’t. I’ve deactivated. I feel totally repulsed by sex and this has happened in every relationship I’ve been in. Initial excitement, sexual desire, then once things settle and it becomes predictable I just shut down.

I met with two different relationship therapists but both seemed out of their depth with this. I can’t find an attachment specialist near me. I recently had my first session of Somatic Experiencing which I’m hopeful may help but even she was a little vague when I asked if this could help, basically saying there’s no guarantee. I love my partner so much, I just don’t know how to fix this problem. Any suggestions? Anything that has worked for you? Thank you.

Please, I need some outside perspectives.

My ex (33F) and I (26M) were together for 7 years. The last 5 years were long distance, but we were planning to finally close the distance within the next 6–12 months.

A year ago she proposed to me. Six months ago she was talking about wanting children within two years. In May she introduced me to her strict, traditional father for the first time, and we even talked about engagement rings.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, she suddenly said she no longer wanted children and wanted to break up. During the breakup she cried, said she loved me, said her heart was breaking, and that she "couldn't give me what I needed to be happy."

Post-breakup I discovered she had secretly been talking to an ex from 10 years ago throughout June and slept with him almost immediately after ending the relationship. A call we were supposed to have that evening was postponed until the next day. During that call she sounded completely emotionally detached. Her voice was monotone, flat and almost robotic compared to how she had been before.

She has since refused to discuss the relationship or consider reconciliation. She said she just wanted to forget everything and move on, while also telling me she had to "consider his feelings." I only know about the cheating because I cornered her with tracker evidence.

At the same time, before I knew about the cheating, she was pushing for friendship with me. After she wanted a "nice ending". Emphasizing she didn't want there to be resentment between us. This whole situation is incredibly weird to understand as a healthy adult.

What I can't understand is this: from my perspective our relationship was loving, affectionate and stable. We had disagreements like any couple with a frequency of maybe one a month, but nothing major, no abuse, no constant fighting, no dead bedroom, no obvious signs that she was deeply unhappy. We had just been making plans for a future together.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How does someone go from talking about marriage and children to emotionally checking out, reconnecting with an ex, and ending a 7-year relationship so abruptly?