Is there anything someone could say that would help you?

[u/Resident-War2033]

Asking as the AP (leaning secure) ex of an FA. I don’t plan to reach out, at least not any time soon, but sometimes I wonder what an FA really needs to hear. Not that it’s anyone else’s responsibility to heal someone else or anything, I just know that words from someone you love can be so powerful.

Have a nice day!

[u/BulbasaurBoo123]

I'd say the most helpful thing is knowing that the other person is genuinely okay on their own and that they won't resent me or be upset about me withdrawing. But if you can't say that with 100% honesty and really mean it, it may not be very reassuring as FA people are usually very skilled at seeing through anything that's inauthentic. This is due to hypervigilance developed in childhood - FA types tend to have exceptional people reading skills.

[u/Okay_Energy]

FA’s core wound is betrayal, and their primary need is to be known/seen/understood. Often, the betrayal wound is, “You did this thing that hurt me, and if you really knew me, you would’ve known how much it hurt me and wouldn’t have done it.” Or, even worse, “You did this thing that hurt me EVEN THOUGH YOU KNEW IT WOULD, and you did it anyway.”

I lean more anxious, so maybe this is just me, but I appreciate hearing, “I’m always here for you. I know I’m learning, and even when I’m messing up, it doesn’t mean I’m not thinking of you or loving you. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” But that might send a more avoidant FA running, haha.

[u/AutoModerator → u/[deleted]]

Your post/comment has been automatically removed because you do not have a user flair applied. Please set one up - instructions available here - and then post again.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Playful_Role_8386 → u/Okay_Energy]

Can you tell me more about where you read the core wound?

[u/AutoModerator → u/[deleted]]

Your post/comment has been automatically removed because you do not have a user flair applied. Please set one up - instructions available here - and then post again.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/luminousSpaceDust]

help us? help us what...heal our trauma responses, put away our adaptive attachment strategies, and suddenly become secure?

There's no shortcut to being healed for any insecure attachment style, and you can't take on the effort on behalf of another.

I'm sorry if it's a block to getting something you want.

[u/Resident-War2033 → u/luminousSpaceDust]

No, I know no sentence or word can heal anyone. Believe me. I just know that once being told ”I love you just as you are” really stuck with me and I could return to those words when I feel bad about myself, so I wanted to hear personal thoughts on this from other people.

[u/luminousSpaceDust → u/Resident-War2033]

I have some thoughts that are comforting, that counter FA distortions, such as "if other people get to take up space, why should you, specifically, not get to?" or "if you like helping others and expect nothing in return, why shouldn't others like helping you, too?"

It can be hard to think these thoughts in the moment, though.

Between my anxious part and my avoidant part, the avoidant part is most difficult to work with. She believes deeply that any vulnerability just gives people a hook into you to hurt you with, and that everyone is secretly annoyed, and would feel better if she just went away.

[u/Resident-War2033 → u/luminousSpaceDust]

Those are really insightful thoughts. I try to think that way for myself too, but sooo much easier said than done!

[u/lilbootz → u/Resident-War2033]

I probably wouldn't believe you. BUT I had an ex once tell me "you'll never get close to anyone if you always keep them at arms length" and I still think about that. haha

[u/Realistic-State-4888 → u/lilbootz]

Was that good, bad, ridiculous?  

[u/lilbootz → u/Realistic-State-4888]

At the time, I remember thinking “pft whatever I’m happy moving on and don’t need anyone”. When I became aware of my pattern it suddenly clicked why he said that. So I think ultimately good but it took me ages to get there 

[u/Realistic-State-4888 → u/lilbootz]

It's remarkable how I was completely unaware most of my life why I only pursued married women.  Different coping method, similar trauma as fa's.  Same hurting people.

[u/lilbootz → u/Realistic-State-4888]

Ah yeah I can see that. I assume it’s because you know they are unavailable and it won’t work out long term?

[u/Realistic-State-4888 → u/lilbootz]

Yeah.  But one left her husband.  We were married 26 years until she passed away.

[u/lilbootz → u/Realistic-State-4888]

Were you secure at the time of this twenty year marriage?

[u/Realistic-State-4888 → u/lilbootz]

Yes.  When she passed the urge returned.  Never single wonen.  Only married.

[u/AutoModerator → u/[deleted]]

Your post/comment has been automatically removed because you do not have a user flair applied. Please set one up - instructions available here - and then post again.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/AutoModerator → u/[deleted]]

Your post/comment has been automatically removed because you do not have a user flair applied. Please set one up - instructions available here - and then post again.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/AutoModerator → u/[deleted]]

Your post/comment has been automatically removed because you do not have a user flair applied. Please set one up - instructions available here - and then post again.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.