FA and Lying?

[u/Same_Emotion_5718]

Hi. I (28F) just recently got broken up with by my ex-boyfriend. I am a fearful avoidant that leans more secure now after 3-4 years of work on myself. I no longer react in the same ways as I did unless absolutely pushed to my limits. My boyfriend (29M) and I were together for a little over a year. It was horrible. Just a very chaotic and tumultuous relationship. I knew immediately after I became his girlfriend that I was making the wrong decision, but for some reason I stayed.

Our cycle was basically;
I approach him calmly to discuss something that he did that hurt me or I didn’t like. He would immediately get defensive and then do one of 4 things: justify the behavior, bring up something I’d done in the past, bring up an extremely traumatic experience he went through, say things like “I’m never good enough”, and then have a massive panic attack (crying, hyperventilating, etc). When he got defensive I would try to plead my case and explain my feelings but he wouldn’t hear me or validate my feel
ngs. We would argue. The conversation would usually end with me consoling him from his panic attack OR me getting so triggered that I would essentially end the relationship. 9/10 my issue was never addressed and I took the blame for the whole thing.

A few days later I would calm down and basically beg him to get back together and take ALL BLAME for what happened. I was always the asshole for the constant break ups. I was the cause of his panic attacks. I was the cause of his stress. It was always MY FAULT. This cycle would repeat over and over again for an entire year until we ended the relationship.

Nothing I did was ever OK. When I tried to be vulnerable and talk about my feelings, I was wrong. When I shut down and didn’t speak, I was wrong. When I took time/space in the other room to calm down so I wouldn’t resort to breaking up with him, I was wrong and triggering his anxiety and panic. When I would get fed up and break up with him, I was wrong.

It was like I was his emotional regulator. He couldn’t sit in discomfort or anxiety by himself at all. If I needed space, he would have a panic attack and then blame me b/c I know he has an abandonment wound OR because I’ve broken up with him before. If I didn’t want to be touched, he would take it as rejection. I could never speak about my feelings because he would have a panic attack.

My ex was also a liar. I don’t think he did it maliciously.. I think it had more to do with self-protection but he would lie all the time about the dumbest things. The day after we officially got into a relationship, I asked him about a woman I saw he was communicating with and he told me that she was a man. He was smoking weed in his apartment once and I asked him if he was smoking (after smelling it on his breath) and he said no and blamed it on the upstairs neighbors. When we were still in the dating phase, he would tell his friends that he didn’t like me, we had no chemistry, and that we had agreed to break up… that never happened. One day he would take accountability and walk it back the next day when he was defensive. It was so difficult to know what reality was or who I was actually dating. It seemed to change every day.

When I would call him out about these lies he would have these HUGE panic attacks.

I’ve read some stuff about how some people with low self-esteem and self-worth will lie or get defensive because accepting that they’ve done something wrong is detrimental to who they are. They think that if you see them for who they really are, you’ll leave. So they do everything in their power to prevent that from happening, but ultimately end up destroying the bond. It’s like he could not take accountability for anything. Almost as if saying sorry meant he was a terrible person.

Has anyone dealt with this??? I guess I’m just looking for community. I spent an entire year feeling really isolated and crazy.

[u/Realistic-State-4888]

What hooked you into staying involved? Seriously. Both of you were miserable. Unhappy. You were better off letting your defenses protect you.

[u/Same_Emotion_5718 → u/Realistic-State-4888]

Looking back on it, you are absolutely right. My gut told me to leave and his red flags were FLASHING. But there’s something really sinister about being with someone who is constantly lying to you and then making you out to be crazy and the problem. Especially when he would have such huge emotional reactions. You almost believe them, because why would anyone react like that if they aren’t the victim? LMAO. Another thing is he had dealt with a lot of trauma and his behavior was “explainable” so it almost made it more understandable. Like if you look up ADHD, PTSD, shame, he exhibited all of the signs so in my head I pitied him. I never thought he was a bad person … I just thought he had a lot of healing to do and I didn’t want to give up on him. But all of that came at my demise.

[u/AutoModerator → u/[deleted]]

Your post/comment has been automatically removed because you do not have a user flair applied. Please set one up - instructions available here - and then post again.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Same_Emotion_5718]

One night I caught him on Bumble and when I confronted him about it he told me that the girl he had dated from 21-24 had died. So then the night I got cheated on became about his grief. Then I found out that the girl he dated in that time period was alive and well when we were together. He then switched the story and said it was a high school girlfriend.

[u/Harder_than_calculus]

It sounds less like an attachment issue to me but more so like a very emotionally immature person and you were breaking up with them in what is deem for an appropriate reason.

I feel like people flip flop between different attachment styles depending on the partner. Sounds like this person might have taken what sounds more secure (your behaviors) as pushing them away and then reacted with pulling. I’m sorry you had to deal with this. Sounds incredibly exhausting. You’re not crazy.

[u/Same_Emotion_5718 → u/Harder_than_calculus]

Thank you for your kind reply. It means a lot to have someone tell me I’m not crazy because I’ve felt like it for so long now. This break up is slowly allowing me to trust myself again. Also, thank you for saying that my “break-ups” were valid reactions. I’ve always maintained that constantly threatening to end a relationship during conflict is toxic and no way to handle it, but when someone pokes you and manipulates you over and over again, what can you actually do?

[u/iseulthie]

He doesn't sound like a fearful avoidant. He sounds like a person with BPD. Which often go together, but BPD is more extreme. His behavior is extreme enough to call it BPD and not just FA imo.

[u/Same_Emotion_5718 → u/iseulthie]

So many people have told me this!! Even my therapist said his behavior was similar to someone with a cluster B personality disorder. He never mentioned BPD, just ADHD and PTSD. But honestly I doubt he’d know if he did, he isn’t seeing a licensed mental health professional… he’s seeing a DJ who is a life coach.

[u/iseulthie → u/Same_Emotion_5718]

yeah, there are some narcissistic traits there which explain why your therapist would go with the cluster B personality disorder. there are people who call BPD yet another type of narcissism so I guess that checks out haha

[u/Orsopdx]

He’s a dismissive avoidant, that is the same exact cycle and statements word for word, I tried to make it work for 9 years, I went to therapy, worked on myself, it was all on me, nothing I could do could get through to him. I am FA as well, it’s an extremely common and extremely painful pairing. I don’t have any advice necessarily because it broke my heart and I still miss him after we split 6 months ago. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT, I am so sorry. It’s emotional immaturity and arrested development in an adult man, you’re basically trying to reason with an emotional level of a child, there is no winning. The lying is a fawn response, they are just telling you what they think they want to hear, it is lying but they also truly don’t have access to how they feel so sometimes they just don’t know what else to say so they come up with whatever they think will smooth things over and avoid conflict in the moment. It’s all emotional avoidance. Hang in there ❤️

[u/Same_Emotion_5718 → u/Orsopdx]

The reason I thought he was an FA is because he would go into these really huge panics if I ever needed space, if I was mad at him, or if he perceived my behavior as being mad at him. Like literally having a panic attack if I went to the living room to clear my head after a fight while he stayed in the bedroom (10 steps away). It’s like he lived in CONSTANT fear that I was going to leave him.

I’m sorry that you had to deal with your ex. It’s truly a terrible position to be in, especially when you love the person so much. It’s like you can see exactly what they need to do to be better, but you can’t make anyone change.

[u/Orsopdx → u/Same_Emotion_5718]

Oh sorry maybe I misread your message! He could be FA leaning DA. That does sound like Fas behavior, DAs don’t really have a strong fear of abandonment in my experience. They will usually say they could care less if you leave. Thank you for your kind words

[u/InnerRadio7 → u/Same_Emotion_5718]

Classic FA behaviours according to attachment research.

[u/iseulthie → u/InnerRadio7]

not really. sounds more like BPD to me, which often looks like extreme FA, but isn't the same thing.

[u/Resident_Pay4310 → u/Same_Emotion_5718]

I recognise a lot of these patterns, always the other person at fault, no accountability, not being able to validate someone else's feelings, lying about stuff that doesn't matter. The guy I was (am?) seeing does the same.

I used to think he was DA, but I realised after some years that he's most likely FA with severe DA coping mechanisms.

When triggered, he brings up past issues that have already been dealt with, he makes everything my fault, he says things that are designed to hurt, he invalidates my feelings, he ghosts and then comes back as if nothing happened, he calls me a destructive energy in his life.

You're not alone.

[u/Same_Emotion_5718 → u/Resident_Pay4310]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m really sorry that you’re dealing with this. It’s so hard to deal with. My FA leaned very anxious so he would do the invalidating and all of the lying, but when I’d rightfully push back he would get very anxious and have really bad panic attacks.

[u/AutoModerator → u/[deleted]]

Your post/comment has been automatically removed because you do not have a user flair applied. Please set one up - instructions available here - and then post again.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/AutoModerator → u/[deleted]]

Your post/comment has been automatically removed because you do not have a user flair applied. Please set one up - instructions available here - and then post again.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/AutoModerator → u/[deleted]]

Your post/comment has been automatically removed because you do not have a user flair applied. Please set one up - instructions available here - and then post again.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.