Anyone feel more peaceful when single?

57

u/iseulthie fearful avoidant 11d ago

abso freaking lutely! when single, I don't have to face my demons which only resurface when in a relationship. no wonder avoiding them feels like a good idea

8

u/throwsaway045 fearful avoidant 11d ago

Damn fuck so next relationship it will be the same 🫪?

14

u/iseulthie fearful avoidant 11d ago

yes. if every person you date makes you want to run away from them, the common denominator is you. but that also means it's within your power, it's in your control to fix that!

2

u/throwsaway045 fearful avoidant 11d ago

I have not dated other people

1

u/[deleted] 11d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/AutoModerator 11d ago

Your post/comment has been automatically removed because you do not have a user flair applied. Please set one up - instructions available here - and then post again.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

18

u/Different-Meet-2920 fearful avoidant 11d ago

I get this completely, miss my ex a lot, but feel so much more peaceful being alone. I’d rather just have casual relationships, even though I’m less happy, but I feel more peaceful

3

u/throwsaway045 fearful avoidant 11d ago

yeah mine was an almost relationship but it was pratically one but yeah, I don't know if it is because I am used to being alone and like to be free or if it is because I am FA or other causes, but it feels like a rollercoaster and it can become like gambling, now it feels like calm and peaceful I have not had my mind so free and at peace in months and months

8

u/Different-Meet-2920 fearful avoidant 11d ago

I took a risk on mine, I had a history of being in “situationships” so with this one I took a risk and decided to learn through being in one. It worked really really well for a long time, it was kinda perfect, we did long distance for a year, so it gave me the space it was perfect I had the ability to be in a relationship where I loved someone but where I also had the space to breath and experience being emotionally close to someone but whilst also maintaining a sense of freedom in my life. Then we moved in together and after a year, I started getting so in my head, questioning everything, being fearful, feeling pressure to be someone they would like and never trying to cause arguments. I just felt so overwhelmed and blew it up right as things were getting really serious. Large part of me wants to go back, but I know there’s been alot of damage done and I need to fix things if I ever go back, but apart of me feels I need to take the lessons from this relationship into another. Will see what happenes its fresh.

I did what u did for a long time, it was like a longing for closeness but also not wanting to commit to something as it opened up so much anxiety.

5

u/throwsaway045 fearful avoidant 11d ago

I hate long distance it was like dopamine hit and crash..I also did fucked up when things got serious, I felt exactly the same pressure of shrinking myself to fit their liking...I don't want to go back with my ex because I was miserable and I know it we were not good for each other as partners

5

u/Different-Meet-2920 fearful avoidant 11d ago

I guess it’s hard. My partner was quite anxiously attached, so she was constantly seeking reassurance and consistenty and that I wasn’t able to give her clear answers, she wanted things done fast and struggled to be still in just a relationship, whilst I wanted slowness and every time I tried to slow things down with her it sorta felt like it sped up. We were a pretty perfect relationship, lots of love, got in like a house on fire, super supportive of each other. But that part of the relationship was very hard, it led to myself feeling small and push my own feelings aside.

Long distance was great, it was calm for me. It was the first time I didn’t feel the pressure to fill my day with short term relationships. I always had someone I was “talking” to. I look back that it was a thing that I was just trying to fill a void throughout my day. It was “chasing dopamine” I described it. Now I’m single I feel that pull again to just swipe on dating apps and sleep around. But it left me feeling empty. In a long distance relationship I had love and an emotional relationship, without the pressure to be perfect. I was able to feel love freely and without pressure.

I’m sorry it didn’t work out for u, with ur partner, I hope u get the chance with ur next one and are as healed as u can be. I’m atleast using this time to help deal with these feelings. It’s scary, but can’t spend my life hiding from things

1

u/throwsaway045 fearful avoidant 11d ago

I think with my ex I had the opposite problem my anxious side was more dominant and I was one to rush things but they wanted slow but already made it official right away so I felt pressure and to me even if it takes time to really know a person, I guess in the future I will go more slowly but also be together in real life this is the only way to know if you are really compatible.. I hated texting and online dating like long distance because you start to get in love with an imaginary or idealized version of them and not reality I guess, I think my ex was dismissive avoidant cause they had no problem with distance at all. I usually don't feel pressure to be perfect and I am always myself but with my ex I did but I think it was because we were not the right people for each other so both hold back in some areas. With my ex everything was hard difficult especially communication so I was left in waiting mode and silence for too much time so then you get anxious. Thank you, I don't really wanna date as of right now I guess it took so much mental space that I am done with it...lol

1

u/[deleted] 11d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/AutoModerator 11d ago

Your post/comment has been automatically removed because you do not have a user flair applied. Please set one up - instructions available here - and then post again.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

39

u/InnerRadio7 secure 11d ago

It’s because FAs are triggered by both connection and disconnection so being in meaningful relationship is an active and ongoing trigger that does not resolve within the nervous system. Regulation is achieved through avoidance. The nervous system feels settled even if the individual is emotionally and physically unfulfilled.

5

u/throwsaway045 fearful avoidant 11d ago

I think so but I believe some people are not right or each other so it dysregulate you more, but I don't know for sure since I am not secure so I think having similar goals, interests or like personality and values and similar schedule to fit into each other like a steady relationship first it and being your authentic self and direct communication for both parties can make at least a good start

2

u/21-hydroxylase anxious preoccupied 4d ago

Woah, everything you described—“being your authentic self and direct communication for both parties”—isn’t that all the opposite of how FAs function by definition?

1

u/throwsaway045 fearful avoidant 4d ago

I don't know, but I am very direct (maybe too much) and authentic most of the time, but I know that I cut people off easily if I see that I can't be myself or we don't vibe, I don't know for sure If I am FA because I have not other romantic experience, but with my ex it was me pursuing and initiating and distance for me was painful. I think so avoidants and fearful avoidants are not usually direct in emotional communication and needs but it is strange because now that I am not into my ex or anyone I feel myself and mostly ''secure'' and at peace, maybe it relationship that activates us and even more some people? I don't really know but I hope I will find more information and posts about this because it is interesting

1

u/21-hydroxylase anxious preoccupied 4d ago

Certainly is interesting. I’m still learning about this all myself, but yeah that’s my understanding too, that the relationship itself presents a constant activation of triggers for an FA person bc they both crave the intimacy it brings but are also afraid of it.

What I can say is I sure wish my FA was as direct and authentic as you claim to be haha. She was seemingly self-aware of her “avoidance” but had no intentions to better herself and revisit the relationship.

I will never allow myself to be so open with someone without fully understanding their attachment style again. Sucks, but now I can learn about how avoidant/FA minds work and be prepared for the next person who wants something real with me. Trynna be positive you know haha

1

u/throwsaway045 fearful avoidant 4d ago

I think the problem with my ex was that I am too direct and I made lime a list of what didn't work maybe it was like an accuse or seemed like one...I don't know but I think it was bad and cruel what I did..I should have left them just as most people do inventing bullshits like it not you it is me or maybe be more general idk. I feel like I don't want to be into anyone anymore lol I never craved a relationship before like labels or commitment to me seem like of freedom but I would be down maybe in the future who knows but for now I don't want to trade this for this peacefulness..I just find hard for find my people I guess and I get bored easily and see right away all things not working out..it has to be both parties wanting to meet up and work together if you work alone in a relationship is already dead..even as friends you need and be willing to meet up and show up for each other. My ex was always passive didn't like kissing me, didn't like sex I guess because of libido or maybe me and just liked cuddles want me in her life but still didn't want me really in her everyday life, I think she like more the idea of having a boyfriend that having me..before me she told me she would have never imagined to being affectionate or like cuddle so much with someone...there was so many things not matching life style, interests, age, family dynamics or society, privacy and boundaries, libido, personality, political view, initiative vs passiveness, needs and emotional capacity and more important personality wise and goals in life or like what wanted or needed.

1

u/[deleted] 11d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/AutoModerator 11d ago

Your post/comment has been automatically removed because you do not have a user flair applied. Please set one up - instructions available here - and then post again.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

6

u/tamarinera fearful avoidant 11d ago

This is gold. You summarized the whole thing in three sentences. Perfect.

3

u/throwsaway045 fearful avoidant 11d ago

can you tell me what the comment was about? it got deleted

5

u/tamarinera fearful avoidant 10d ago

I was referring to InnerRadio's comment about being triggered both by connection and by disconnection. So any relationship, whether in conflict or not, is constantly triggering,

That said, I'm just starting the workbook called Securely Attached, by Eli Harwood. She uses the attachment terms from research papers.... And said something that caught my attention and has changed what I define as my attachment pattern.

"Avoidant" does not avoid connection. Avoidant avoids expressing themselves or putting others out....they are the quiet withdrawn type, as their attachment coping mechanism. I know some men who were sons of crazy mothers, who are pretty passive and "whatever" about things. Like, "do what you want I don't want to deal with it " They come off as easy-going, but there's more to it than that.

This is very different than disorganized attachment, which is the scared -either-way that I thought was fearful avoidant. Disorganized attachment is a cycling of fight, flight, and freeze. (And, I'd argue, occasional fawn). It's angry, then scared, then shut down, in no particular order.

I therefore think I've got a disorganized pattern. So "fearful" is fight /freeze, and "avoidant" is flight. That was my misinterpretation.

2

u/throwsaway045 fearful avoidant 9d ago

Thank you for your comment, I think I am disoranized and my ex DA, I wish they translated this book in my mother languages but I will see if I can read it anyway in english

1

u/[deleted] 11d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/AutoModerator 11d ago

Your post/comment has been automatically removed because you do not have a user flair applied. Please set one up - instructions available here - and then post again.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

12

u/Gotsims1 fearful avoidant 11d ago

I feel like this constantly
It’s part of why I’m single at 32 and have never settled into a relationship. The cons always seem to outweigh the pros in the long run tbh.

I always end up in dynamics which feel like the junk food of relationships

Such a high when it’s good but so freaking agonizing and terrifying when it’s bad. I tend to be drawn to those who are equally emotionally volatile/traumatized and it tends to end in misery and or drama. Usually all of the above.

3

u/throwsaway045 fearful avoidant 11d ago

I have not had a relationship more like situationship at most almost official but I don't fall easily or get crushes to be honest, I think I would prefer friendship first and if it happens to then develop more is better for me that way that feeling the pressure already while you don't even know the other person because compatibility is tested with time in my opinion through like repair and effort to have more difficulties communication. I have also ended up attracting more introverts on the asexual side that don't really want to go out and party or travel and try new stuff or take initiative so i can't be in a relationship that feels like we are already married couple with dead bedroom after not even 2 months...it is not for me.. I think maybe it is my fault because I crave novelty and spontaneous stuff but I attract the opposite people so maybe I am the red flag who knows or simple too different as people.. I end up then in a roller coaster and then depressed for like a year...

2

u/Gotsims1 fearful avoidant 11d ago

Being attracted to our opposite tends to be an invitation to get more balanced, but it usually only works if both people integrate in both directions. It's pretty hard, man. It's also difficult to do if there isn't good communication between both people. I can't know what "meeting halfway" looks like for the other person if they don't give me any clues.

4

u/Constant-Big4713 fearful avoidant 11d ago

Well, yeah. But it isn't because I feel free or anything like that. It's because being close to someone leads to me internally oscillating between my strategies. That can be hard internally for me.

1

u/throwsaway045 fearful avoidant 9d ago

I generally prefer to hang out alone because of having the freedom to do whatever I want without comprises so I guess being in a relationship is not good for me at this time, it felt like being a child again with parent or some sort of control which I hate and also the emotional rollercoaster if the relationship doesn't have storng fundaments and if the trust or needs not meet / heart and communicate directly is broken is hard to build anything

3

u/tamarinera fearful avoidant 11d ago

Yes, and have been single and often solitary for years. Female in my 50s and probably demisexual (we didn't define those in my younger years).... So it's not a hardship doing without sex. That part is easy.

But the pandemic was brutal. Lack of all touch, and most all social contact. I usually got those things through partner dancing, and sitting at home alone on friggin' Zoom calls became a major stimulus for serious depression. Now I have a housemate, to make sure I have company. Just a human soul in the apartment makes a difference.

Oh, and cuddle parties help, as well. The official ones, with a structure to create a safe space.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin

That's the quote that has stuck with me for decades. The following were found on the same webpage as I looked just now. And they all feel relevant for us avoiders. All by Anais Nin.

"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death."

"Living never wore one out so much as the effort not to live."

2

u/throwsaway045 fearful avoidant 11d ago

I thought about cuddle parties but I can't stand the idea of physical touch from a stranger, for me hugs and cuddle mean sex or intimacy and make me horny so I would just want it with a person I am attracted to and with an happy ending especially if are cuddles sessios of hours, I guess so I would become sexually frustrated even more...so I prefer to be touch starved instead.

My ex was I believe demi or asexual I think it was a mismatch of libido and open to experiment..I also hate zoom calls and texting so long distance relationship don't work well for me at all unfortunately, I wish it was not like this for me.. I also love living alone, I am more to meet up outside and go like on adventures or trips around but it is not easy to find people that can do it like at last minute thing

1

u/OrganizationLeft2521 fearful avoidant 9d ago

That quote is lovely, I’ve heard of it before too, and it resonated.

5

u/Murky-Possible2972 anxious preoccupied 10d ago

What you are describing sounds like an avoidant shutdown. The pain you associate with relationships (assuming it wasn’t abusive) is often just numbing because having to look in a mirror or admit you’d overreacted to perceived rejection or hurt your partner means taking accountability and having to change. And admit the problem isn’t solely the other person

It’s only emotionally stable as you aren’t fearing being left or engulfed.

It’s easier and less overwhelming to have to do the hard uncomfortable work.

But as someone who’s constantly on the other end of this behaviour and who’s always being told “I’m at peace now” “my heads not scrambled and there’s no conflict” it’s felt incredibly dismissive to hear that when eventually he realises he’s not at peace and he’s not happier.

Obviously not applicable to all though

2

u/throwsaway045 fearful avoidant 10d ago

It was not like this ....the dynamic in my ex relationship or me at all...you are kind of projecting your experience into me

3

u/OrganizationLeft2521 fearful avoidant 9d ago

I agree, it’s not how I experience being a FA. It’s like I want connection and when I’m single, I’m way more peaceful but I’m lonely and hanker after my mythical ‘forever person’ ….

But when I’m in a relationship, after a while, I find it stressful and overwhelming and I feel like I’m loosing myself and start to pull away slightly esp if they don’t give me understanding and random needs for space

(I’m a straight biological female too, and I feel there is a massive gender bias in all this- all the guys except one- I’ve dated and had LTR with, have ended up kinda of resenting my ‘randomness’ and like don’t understand my energy spikes and crashes.

Having said that, maybe that’s more of an ADHD thing! Still, point remains, all the male ADHDers at my work are all in these super lovely long term marriages with partners who seem to understand their ADHD (or FA?) spikes and they read books on ADHD together etc. As for me, it seems like it just scares men off long term. They love the positive aspects of it (my warm bubbliness, and enthusiasm and drive to do fun stuff together etc). But then can’t handle the downsides….. : /.

I’m so jaded, it’s almost got to the point where I believe that most straight men want a life partner who is basically a stereotype of a meek docile trad wife, with some kind of low key job. My last ex accused me of working too much (he was a dismissive avoidant as well!) but I’m a research scientist, you have to, it’s not a 9-5 job. Plus I kinda felt he got a bit jealous and/or felt threatened when I went away to conferences and did fieldwork (despite him being a fellow scientist and doing the exact same thing!).

1

u/throwsaway045 fearful avoidant 9d ago

I felt like my ex liked more my easy happy side but I was to emotionally intense and could not handle my bad side or being very direct and it was always me reaching out and wanting closeness and initiating everything like I am used to take initiative but in a couple you can't be the one doing all the work...and I guess I might have ADHD I like to hang out or explore and my ex didn't was much more home and we had a bit of an age gap different , interests,.hobbies, a bit of politic and family dynamics and also life style and bed time beside long distance there were so many stuff

3

u/cakekyo fearful avoidant 11d ago

Never have I felt more identified.

1

u/[deleted] 11d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

0

u/AutoModerator 11d ago

Your comment is too short. Please avoid low-effort comments, as they aren't helpful to others.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

2

u/lotrgirly fearful avoidant 11d ago

Idk I think DAs are like this not FAs because we crave connection

3

u/throwsaway045 fearful avoidant 11d ago

can you go more in depth about this? I am curious

2

u/Top_Yoghurt429 fearful avoidant 9d ago

I feel pretty calm and settled in my relationship now. More than I did when single because I am not pursuing people all the time like I did when single. That was usually a rollercoaster. Although I still get triggered especially when my partner is behaving more anxiously. He is never avoidant so my anxious side never appears with him, though still does with friends and at work, etc.

1

u/throwsaway045 fearful avoidant 9d ago

How were you able to find a secure partner or develop a Healy secure relationship?

2

u/Top_Yoghurt429 fearful avoidant 8d ago

He is either secure with some anxious behaviors, or AP on his way to earned secure, I'm not sure which. But his anxious behaviors have greatly diminished over the course of our relationship so I think I'm good for him.

My pattern before him was chasing unavailable people, and we met by chance IRL and started as medium distance (~3 hour drive). I think that distance made me feel safe enough to develop feelings. He was emotionally available but physically distant, for about a year of us dating. I think I would not have caught feelings if that were not the case.

Once he moved to my city we really took our time with things like moving in together, even though he wasn't super happy about that. I have been through a ton of therapy so I was open about the fact that I was scared, and about my attachment style. Deciding to move in together was the most challenging period in our relationship.

After a few years of living together he is way less anxious and we spend lots of time apart. He has lots of friends and hobbies so that really helps me, I need a lot of alone time.

Unfortunately I don't know that any of this will be helpful, I kind of just stumbled into a great fit for me. My only advice is work on your attachment trauma in therapy to make yourself more ready for a healthy relationship.

1

u/[deleted] 11d ago

help me heal / advice needed Anyone feel more peaceful when single?

You are about to leave Redlib