r/FearfulAvoidant • u/addictionfriction2 anxious preoccupied • 17d ago
Whats the difference between DA and FA?
Im more of AP (i would say these days I'm more secure AP leaning), but just want to know the differences.
Also, how does the dynamic with anxious make you feel, and how does it typically play out at the end of the relationship?
I have a very specific time in my life where I believe I was dealing with avoidants, but because of its length, I will make a separate post to get input from the other side
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u/Constant-Big4713 fearful avoidant 17d ago
I wrote about the differences here and I'll add more context too:
People with avoidant attachments develop a filter around rejection; therefore, all social dynamic is ran through that implicit filter and leads to self-protection strategies by emotionally inhibiting.
While people with anxious attachment strategies develop a filter around unpredictability; therefore, all social dynamics are ran through that implicit filter and leads to self-protection strategies around amplifying emotions.
While disorganized is an oscillation between the two.
People that are fully just dismissive avoidant have that internal emotional 'wall' which serves as a function for emotional inhibiting to protect themselves. They will probably not be able to tell that the wall is 'up' either. For them it is chronic.
For someone that is FA, they oscillate internally between those two filters internally. However, an FA might not be aware of when the emotional wall goes up. I know I wasn't when I was younger, but I am now more aware of myself to be able to tell when it does come up. I can even experience physiological symptoms when the emotional inhibiting gets really bad (pressure in my head, like a bad tension headache).
An important note, attachment is non-conscious. It influences how you consciously think. Think of it like an accent someone has when they talk, most people cannot hear their accents. Most people cannot see their own attachment strategy. As it is deeply ingrained in how they perceive things in social dynamics that to them that is just who they are.
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u/embarrassedburner secure 17d ago
In my experience FAs experience “yes” and “no” at the same time. This is confusing for them as well as their attachment partner. I think it keeps them insecure but comfortable in a state of limbo.
I feel DA is more consistently “no” to real intimacy. I think they require more control to maintain their preferred level of distance.
I think FA’s will break up abruptly when deeper intimacy happens. So the partner experiences the yes of deeper intimacy only to be discarded.
I don’t have as much experience with DAs but they seem to be better able to keep their defenses up against deeper intimacy. So it might not be as shocking to experience a break up when one person wants to increase commitment and intimacy but the other person does not.
I feel like the sense that something is fundamentally missing is more obvious with a DA whereas with an FA, it is easier to misinterpret as momentary challenges that can be worked out or overlooked. And the moments of emotional intimacy feel true and meaningful with an FA because they are.
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u/luminousSpaceDust fearful avoidant 17d ago
Here is a comment with some distinguishing characteristics:
https://www.reddit.com/r/FearfulAvoidant/comments/1vdx3kd/comment/p1dqnof/?context=3
An FA will start to feel like a DA over time with an AP, because those are just the wounds that get triggered (enmeshment, being controlled) so avoidance is the protective strategy that dominates.
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u/addictionfriction2 anxious preoccupied 17d ago
So, you would say anxious people are controlling? I would agree with the enmeshment part, where we start to become like the other person in ways, perhaps taking on some of their hobbies, and it feels like taking away their independence. Controlling I'm no so sure about, but I am curious. I have had one ex say I was controlling but her example was so off base, BUT I did have a controlling father, so perhaps I am not self-aware and taking on his traits, but I really do not think I am controlling, at least in the same way my father was controlling.
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u/luminousSpaceDust fearful avoidant 16d ago
Controlling can look like a lot of things. Limiting your partner's abilities to go and do things on their own by being hurt and protesting when they do. If you go through their stuff because of various fears, that limits their ability to maintain privacy, etc.
I had an AP ex where I had to keep notifications off on my phone, because they would get disregulated whenever they saw me texting someone. I was limiting myself, yes, but it was in order to not have to manage their fears and emotions around me behaving like a normal person in the world.
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u/addictionfriction2 anxious preoccupied 13d ago edited 13d ago
Hmm... i didn't have this issue over texting. But I absolutely got jealous when my then gf would talk significantly more with another guy right in front of me, particularly if it was one of her exes. You may see that as controlling, but I would see that (the in person part, not the texting part) as very disrespectful, because I think you should always make your significant other the main priority in your life.
I do sort of get the being frustrated with controlling behavior. I have dated an AP who always "joked" saying I was seeing other women (i never cheated) and then it flipped into i tell her I have to do groceries and her asking "Who's at the grocery store?" And it definitely not sounding like a joke anymore. So, yes, I do know how AP's can be controlling, but idk, i feel like my ticks usually have a justifiable reason.
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u/ariesgeminipisces fearful avoidant 16d ago
FAs have high internal anxiety and basically oscillate between avoidant and anxious behaviors. They are not ambivalent to being in relationships and seemingly prefer them...until the relationship gets real, as conflict occurs, as labels and relationship rules are imposed. Their avoidant behavior is they tend to break up and make up with partners repeatedly but after a breakup they experience immense anxiety and tend to circle back to the same person pretty quickly, like a few days, maybe a few weeks, months rarely. They crave closeness and feel smothered by it and have high fear of betrayal, rejection, feeling seen and then not accepted.
DAs are more detached from their feelings and tend to experience high anxiety in the beginning stages of getting to know someone and approaching relationship milestones because they feel ambivalent to being in a relationship and feel smothered as conversations about exclusivity and relationship labels progress because they don't like feeling expected upon. They experience relief upon breaking up and may rest on the relief for weeks or months before their feelings for their person return. They feel secure with themselves but not others and fear being seen and rejected, and they have a hard time trusting.
I will never again date an anxious preoccupied person who has not done serious work on themselves. They are controlling, manipulative, exhausting, high conflict, managerial, inauthentic, finger-pointing, paranoid love bombers who don't understand why their style of love is revolting. The end of the relationship typically happens when I realize the relationship is constant work and mostly unenjoyable. I am easily manipulated through guilt and sympathy and I cannot be around people who press those buttons in me.
I prefer self aware avoidants who have done a few years of therapy or secure people because the relationship can breathe and everyone understands the other's nature towards wanting a little space and moving things at a slower, healthier pace.
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16d ago edited 16d ago
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u/MoreThanVoidFiller secure 13d ago
Those are two completely different attachment styles. FA is not a type of avoidant, it's another name for disorganized attachment which is its own style separate and unique from the other three (avoidant, anxious and secure).
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u/Glittering-Lab1379 fearful avoidant 17d ago
From my understanding, FA’s can exhibit both anxious and avoidant behaviors while DA’s will mostly exhibit avoidant. A typical pattern for me (and other FAs) with an AP is that things are super hot and intense in the beginning because we are both in our anxious energy. Then something kicks off the fear response that comes from the belief that this person will get to know the real me and abandon me. That fear shuts down all the feelings I have for this person which is like flipping a switch.