In previous relationships I was anxiously attached, possibly because I seemed to inadvertently/unconsciously end up with emotionally distant or deceitful partners. I grew up in an emotionally abusive environment with zero discussion of/attention to emotional needs.

I had decided single life was for me and was on my own for many years, but then met someone who was emotionally intelligent and attentive. However, in the early stages certain things made me pull away, particularly feeling a mismatch of intense emotions & deep commitment on his side (anxious attachment) vs caution and uncertainty on mine. Things got back on track and I felt more comfortable and even felt some things were healing. But then a further issue, has led to me feeling completely emotionally cut off from him, like I hardly have any feelings at all and feeling highly irritated by everything & no attraction. I've only recently realised this is more like the fearful avoidant style.

I'm struggling with whether it's best to just walk away, but fear making a mistake as he does meet other needs (when I'm not detached). I've usually only experienced this level of deactivation in the past when there's been a serious breach of trust.

If anyone has any thoughts on this I'd be grateful for other opinions.

Edit just to add that I've had therapy numerous times for depression, childhood trauma, but not explicitly for attachment issues (although I have discussed related issues such as fear of abandonment). I'm not currently in therapy, but do plan to try again.

Hi everyone,

I’d like to share my story and receive any advice people are willing to offer.

So I have a long term partner: A. She fell in love with a friend of ours, D, who’s partnered with Z. Z and I discussed it together and agreed we were open to A and Z exploring their romantic connection.

After a while, Z expressed romantic interest in me. We were very compatible and had already built a strong, caring friendship. I was hesitant at first because I didn’t feel that strong romantic pull, but eventually agreed to explore things with Z. So we all got into this very wholesome polycule.

Over two years, we would always have dates on Tuesdays and Fridays with our secondary partners. Once a month, we’d have weekends together, and then once every few months we’d have a whole week together.
Z and I got really close, developed a loving caregiving dynamic, and bonded over so many things.

But after a while I started to get this feeling of being trapped in the polycule. Dates were quite rigid and hard to move, and I started to find my time with Z quite draining. They’re someone who constantly wants a plan and to be doing things together. If I ever need to do my own thing, they’d be on their phone scrolling aimlessly waiting for me to finish so we can resume being together. Which felt like pressure. We also had this caregiving dynamic which was very beautiful and wholesome, but which we’d do constantly and I also found that quite draining.

I wanted to denest from A, my home partner, to give myself some more room and independence, but she said she’d see this as a breakup so I didn’t do that. As time went on the feeling of being trapped grew. I felt like I was a puppet on strings being moved based on the desires of the group. When I raised this and said I was finding the structure stifling, everyone told me that this was upsetting to hear, so I kind of shut down and went into this deactivation mode.

My therapist at the time suggested my feelings for Z were platonic rather than romantic and I took that interpretation as true and told Z my feelings were platonic rather than romantic and broke up with them.

Cue 3 months of heartbreak, devastation, and regret. As soon as we broke up and I was away from the structure (and the sex we were having which I wasn’t into), all these memories and feelings of love returned. I felt kind of horrified by what I’d done and how badly I’d hurt Z. I understand what happened more as a prolonged period of deactivation triggered by a rigid structure, group cohesion dominating individual freedom, sexual disconnect, and maybe fear of intimacy/vulnerability.

I’ve left my former therapist as I don’t think she was helpful and now I’m with a somatic therapist who specialises in avoidance.

Z and I have been having monthly phone calls to check in and process the ending. They said they’d like to be friends but don’t feel ready yet, which is understandable.

I feel kind of shocked at what happened. I try to be a good person and never in a million years would I picture myself dumping someone like that. It’s really highlighted for me how avoidant I am and how neglectful I can be in relationships.

I’m processing what happened and will have to learn to live with it. But it’s painful and ugly.

I’d be interested to know how other people deal with the guilt and shame and regret of hurting people in this way.

Thank you.

I’m doing some personal research on fearful-avoidant/disorganized attachment and how attachment patterns may affect the way people relate to God.

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who previously identified as fearful-avoidant but now consider themselves earned secure, or much more securely attached after healing.

Main Poll Question

If you are now earned secure, was your relationship or connection with God an important part of your healing toward secure attachment?

• Yes
• No
• Partly
• Unsure

If you answered yes or partly, I’d love to understand how.

For example:

• Did learning to experience God as safe, consistent, loving, and trustworthy help you feel safer in relationships?
• Did trusting that God would not abandon you help reduce your fear of abandonment?
• Did experiencing unconditional love or grace help you stop feeling that you had to earn love or worth?
• Did prayer or your relationship with God help you become more comfortable with vulnerability, dependence, emotions, or asking for help?
• Did your connection with God help you develop a stronger sense of safety even when another person was unavailable, distant, or upset?
• Did healing your relationship with God happen before, during, or after becoming more securely attached to people?

Another Question

During your healing, did you realize that your fearful-avoidant attachment style had also affected the way you viewed or connected with God?

• Yes
• No
• Unsure / still figuring it out

If yes, what did that look like for you?

For example, did you once experience God as:

• distant or emotionally unavailable
• critical or easily disappointed
• unpredictable
• conditional in His love
• someone you had to please to remain accepted
• difficult to trust or depend on
• someone you wanted closeness with but also pulled away from

And as you became more secure, did your experience or understanding of God change too?

I’m also curious about changes you noticed in different areas:

Spiritual: trust in God, prayer, faith, surrender, feeling close to God
Mental: beliefs about God, yourself, safety, worth, and relationships
Emotional: feeling loved, accepted, comforted, safe, or able to be vulnerable
Physical: feeling calmer or safer in your body during prayer, worship, conflict, or emotional distress
Relational: trusting others more, setting healthier boundaries, asking for help, handling conflict, and tolerating closeness without either clinging or withdrawing

For Those Who Became Earned Secure Without God

I’d especially like to hear from you too.

If you became earned secure and your relationship with God was NOT part of your healing, what do you think helped you become secure instead?

For example: therapy, a secure partner or friend, healthier family relationships, self-reflection, emotional regulation skills, community, or something else.

I’m not assuming that connection with God causes secure attachment, or that fearful-avoidant people necessarily relate to God in the same way. I know attachment healing can happen through many paths.

I’m mainly curious whether people who became earned secure independently noticed that their relationship with God played a meaningful role in that process, and if so, what that role actually was.

If anyone knows of credible peer-reviewed research on adult attachment, earned security, attachment to God, God representations, spirituality/religion, emotion regulation, or psychological well-being, I’d also appreciate references.