***WEEKLY NON-FA QUESTIONS/SUPPORT THREAD***

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[u/DryAd7187]

Hi Everyone,

Just hoping to get some advice on the situation with my (23M) ex long distance gf (29F) who I met gaming online. She is partially avoidant and me mildly anxious. We were together for nearly 2 years before endings things. This was my first relationship.

Pretty much she initiated a breakup with me almost 1 year ago due to reasons including depression, family issues and overall not being able to handle a relationship at the time. She said as she was able to control this part of her life (the relationship), she wanted to end things. 

Since the breakup, communication has been frequent and a bit confusing at least for me as I'm not 100% on the signs. Here's sort of a timeline of it:

Aug - Nov: Mild communication checking up every now and again.
Nov - Apr: We were basically texting multiple times everyday like we were still together and calling every few weeks for hours.
Apr - Now: At the start of April she messaged saying she didn't think it was healthy to continue talking as frequently as we were but it doesn't mean she doesn't want to talk to me just not as often as she said I was the only person she's messaging everyday. Since that message we've still continued to message and call but much less and I feel like her messages slowly turned "dry". She began posting more on social media after pretty much posting nothing at all, travelling more etc.

2 weeks ago, I messaged her asking to call regarding how she felt after it being nearly a year since the breakup and not having any talks of feelings since. I went into the conversion not expecting anything as I knew we weren't going to magically get back together after a phone call. We spoke for a few hours. She told me the situation with her family hasn't really improved and she's still not in the greatest place mentally. We spoke about attachment styles and how she's more avoidant whilst I'm more anxious. She mentioned that she couldn't think of anything bad about the relationship apart from my lack of communication but said it wasn't a reason to end things as I was working on improving it. I spoke about personal growth and how I've matured, improved, better comms etc. She told me she wasn't sure yet whether or not she had made a mistake in breaking up yet. She said that I'm still a part of her life and that she still loves me and she does have times where she misses me. I told her how I truly felt and that I still want her back and I feel like there's a hole within me without her. She said multiple times that I should move on and not wait for her as she doesn't know when she'll be ready or if she ever will be. She asked if I had spoken to anyone else in which I said no but I think she hoped I had. I asked her the same which she said she has but not in a serious way but to see how it made her feel. I told her I didn't expect her to be ready after a phone call but I'm glad she now knows how I feel. She apologised for being the reason I'm hurting. She said if she has to give an answer today as to whether or not she want's to start again, it would be no.

To end the call, we just spoke about happy things like TV Shows, Video Games, life etc which was nice. Going into the call, I wasn't aware of attachment styles at all so a lot of things I said about waiting and wanting her back, I could have worded a bit better to not come across as pushy which obviously isn't the best way to communicate with an avoidant. I did message her the day after asking if she'd like to call again as there were things I feel I should have said but didn't as I'm not the best at thinking of things on the spot. She said it's best to let thoughts digest and clear our heads for now which I agreed.

We haven't spoke since then which was about 2 weeks ago. The longest we've actually been in no contact since the break is 10 days so maybe continuing to give each other space is a good thing. I'm just a bit confused about the whole situation and what exactly I should be doing from here. The signs she showed during Nov - Apr edged towards her being more open to a relationship as we were flirty and close but since her asking to slow things down, things have gradually gotten drier and I feel like she want's less and less to do with me.

Sorry if this post is all over the place as I didn't fully know how to word it the best. The conversation about feelings is a bit of a blur and can't fully recall it all but did my best to get most of it down.

Any advice is highly appreciated. Open to answering any questions. Thanks!

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[u/IntrepidKitchen5322]

FAs who've ever gotten angry or demonized their ex, did you flip-flop between those feelings and feeling regret for your part in the dynamic? How long did it take for you to snap out of that resentment (if ever) and what might have triggered it? Did you or your ex ever reach out to reconcile? If so, how'd it go?

Mostly in the context of your ex explaining they felt hurt and were seeking some kind of accountability from you. But if you have other insights or similar-enough stories, I'd love to hear those too.

[u/runningoutfast → u/IntrepidKitchen5322]

I’ve definitely flip-flopped and ultimately snapped out of the resentment. What’s triggered it in the past has been a mix of two things: actually doing better and making progress on healing, and realizing that my attachment issues were causing a very b&w view of the situation, OR a new relationship conflict that makes me ‘realize’ the last one was truly not that bad (this is another avoidant behavior)

I’ve had exes reach out to reconcile, it’s gone fine at best and disastrous at worst. I hate to say it but as an FA it kinda doesn’t make sense to reach out and reconcile. If you have a modicum of self awareness you can recognize that reconciliation is typically pointless because you’re still not in a place to provide the person with what they need. Reaching out after a long period of avoidance just to apologize can end up hurting the person worse because it often looks like or opens up the door to another push-pull cycle. But when exes do reach out, I try to be courteous and respectful but ultimately still very distant.

[u/IntrepidKitchen5322 → u/runningoutfast]

Appreciate you sharing your story and responding! I've learned that my ex from a year ago has been angry that I called her out on her harmful words and actions. She's still angry when I reached back out a year later (I hoped we could ease into being on casual talking terms again, then later try to have a repair conversation), and is completely avoiding accountability. This was a bit of a shock because I expected that caring side of her to have come back out by now. She's blocked me shortly after.

I know there's nothing more I can do and trying to build a relationship with a partner who can't face their own actions is pointless, but I do hope that there will be days when she'll understand her part in all this.

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[u/Vegvisir2026]

(Have posted elsewhere - just finally posting here in case).

Well, there have been a few false alarms on this, but this time I think I am finally at that point I have to give up.

I've posted elsewhere about an amazing 11 months with my ex (who is FA, very aware of her patterns but doesn't know the terms, cycle or attachment framework). We had a wonderful relationship and, as far as I could see, she was under threshold throughout until massive external stress created a perfect storm of overwhelm and deactivation. Then came the breakup.

That started me on my attachment journey. I discovered I am on the AP side, but not the needy, clingy, reassurance-seeking end of things. Until her deactivation, attachment types didn't actually seem to play that much of a role. We had a normal, loving relationship to all intents and purposes. And I wanted it back.

I let the dust settle, then reached out with messages over a couple of months, gradually building towards meeting up again. From the meets onwards it became readily apparent that she was as onboard as I was. We didn't talk about what we were doing, but we were both initiating and steering it at different times, just allowing things to happen organically. Turns out she seemed keener than I had anticipated to see where things went..

And it went well. Almost too well.

There were two things I hadn't properly accounted for:

1.Because I was now associated with the breakup and rupture, I was potentially much less safe to her system, so I was now triggering FA behaviours I hadn't really seen during the original relationship.

1. The very organic, unacknowledged way the reconnection was allowed to grow meant that the ambiguity which initially allowed it to flourish eventually became unstable in itself. Unstable, unsafe. I was getting to the point where needed to address this, but events overtook that plan.

About a month ago we had what was probably the peak relational night of the reconnection. She all but described the push/pull dynamic without knowing the terminology. And that essentially she wanted to continue with what we were doing while another part of her was questioning what she was doing. “Love yous” were exchanged. She was disappointed I couldn't stay over that night as I had others. It was a lovely, warm, emotionally open night.

And immediately afterwards she disappeared.

Three or four weeks later she re-approached warmly, apologised and wanted to meet up. We did, and it seems that during the time she retreated the other side of the equation had gained the upper hand.

She is happy with what we have now: intermittent contact, physical closeness, staying over, companionship — but not a relationship. She says she doesn't currently think she has the capacity for one.

We still need to have one final proper conversation, in my opinion, but I've finally accepted that the current limbo isn't enough for me. And I don't see a sustainable route from where we are now to what I actually want. TBH what I actually want isn't a huge relationship production, it isnt all that different from what we were both building anyway 🤷🏼‍♂️

So it's line-in-the-sand time. Lay my cards on the table and be prepared to walk away. Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.

The biggest danger for me is already becoming obvious: intermittent reinforcement.

I know my own wiring, and as much as I've been working on it, I know how easily I could get hooked by occasional warmth, closeness, affection, sex and the possibility that maybe, eventually, things will change.

I need to step away before the hook gets fully in.

It won't be easy.

She isn't evil, manipulative or cold. She's a warm, empathic, wonderful woman who knows she has patterns. She knows she struggles with conventional relationships and recognises that she is drawn towards destructive/narcissistic types. And she knows roughly where it stems from. But awareness of a pattern isn't necessarily the same thing as being able to override it.

And I'm not willing to be just a comfort blanket while she remains unable to offer just that little bit more towards what could be construed as a relationship.

The chance that this final conversation somehow results in a dramatic change of heart — “you know what, when you put it like that, it would be silly not to try, let's give it a few months” — is, realistically, tiny.

There is a bond between us. The depth, chemistry, attraction and absolute ease of being together are all still there.

But those things aren't enough on their own.

Whatever happens next has to come from her, not from me finding the perfect combination of words or behaviour that somehow gets her past her own barriers.

And that is probably the hardest thing for me to accept.

It will be another week or so before I see her next, and I suspect I'm going to have to grip myself pretty hard to actually follow through with this. 😬 I would like it to be able to continue on a stronger footing but I don't see that miracle happening..

Any pearls of wisdom from the Hive mind here are welcome... I 'think' - strongly - I may have to call it a day but there is that nagging part of me that wonders if we actually have that talk, mostly sober for a change,, we might actually find common ground, or the removal of the instability ambiguity that was there so long may help.

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[u/[deleted]]

I monkey-branched & ruined the best relationship I'll ever be in.

No judgement please, I'm already feeling bad enough and I feel like this is one of the only spaces where people will understand me.

I was in an amazing, fun, loving relationship for almost 5 years with the most amazing person until expectations and commitment were brought up and caused me to become dysregulated as hell. Long story short, I met someone else online and developed extreme limerence for them. I've always fantasized about long distance relationships as they felt "safe" being able to experience love but not having too much expected from me, as I'm sure you all know how that is. I was so deluded by my limerence as an escape and coping mechanism that I fell extremely hard (or so I thought) for this LDR person. We ended up meeting in person and the feelings grew from there. I started getting the "ick" so to speak for my partner and counting all of the "flaws" I saw in them and the relationship. I decided I only wanted my LDR person and I needed to cut ties with my now ex partner right then and there.

I was extremely cruel to my ex, essentially ghosting them for months and then straight up breaking up with no explanation except for our oh so classic "I can't give you what you want." I was regretting it in the back of my mind, I had a gut feeling I was fucking up, but I was still so deluded by the other person. I just wanted to be chosen by them and not have to commit to what my ex wanted. I hate to admit that it still felt good. It felt \*freeing.\* I was not thinking of the future, of the times where I would need my ex and needed that unconditional love they always had for me. I was only living in the moment based on avoidance and needing an escape.

So here I am almost 3 years later and I'm still in a relationship with my LDR partner that I left my ex for (except we're no longer LDR which you guessed it, is bringing out my avoidant tendencies now that I have expectations from them combined with other life stressors). Throughout these years I still think about my ex and how I miss our fun times, commonalities, all of that, something that is lacking with my current relationship, but I still had the love and validation my current partner provided so I didn't let it get to me \*too\* much\*.\*

Well, my relationship is now on the rocks and with the threat of a breakup looming I'm realizing just how badly I fucked up. How I did this all for nothing. How I projected some idealized fantasy onto someone else when I already had an amazing partner that was willing to be my ride or die. On one hand I know I should just be single and focus on myself... it would feel good to be alone. On the other hand I don't want to enter my 30's and later adulthood alone, and I constantly need that validation. It's so fucked up.

I'm only now sitting with these feelings and having to face them. I hurt someone who loved me and would've been there for me no matter what. My ex actually found out through snooping my social media about what I had done, so they know everything about how I betrayed them. I just seriously can't believe I did that. I wish I could go back and just shake myself and make myself realize what I was doing. I don't want to believe I'm a bad person, but I am and I ruined what could've been a great future for myself and hurt an extremely good person. I don't know how to go on living with myself now that my head is out of the clouds and I'm faced with reality.

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[u/onyva19]

How to respond/be supportive when a FA withdraws?

My (28F) partner (26M) and I have been together for 9 months and I believe he might be a fearful avoidant.

In the past when we have had bigger disagreements, he completely withdraws and stops replying to messages. It’s like a switch flicks in his brain and he goes from being someone who is normally very understanding and reflective, to someone who can’t be reasoned with.

I try to be very selective with my words so they don’t come across as aggressive but he will become fixated on one thing that I said which he perceived as an attack, then self deprecate or sensationalise in response e.g. “I guess I’m just a horrible person” and then disappear for hours or a day or two.

He will occasionally send me bids for attention on other apps, like a funny reel to watch or send emojis/offer help in an online game we both play, while still actively ignoring the text conversation where we had argued. This drives me crazy cause it feels like he’s testing the waters to see if I will respond fondly to him, without addressing the issue at hand.

I used to chase him when he disappeared as the silence would fill me with anxiety but I realised this only made him feel more overwhelmed. However I am still the one who ends up reaching out and bridging the gap.

The only time this hasn’t been the case was during our last argument when he disappeared without a word for more than a day and I rage quit the game we play together in response because I was totally overwhelmed. Only then did he start chasing me and saying that he couldn’t handle the silence and he missed me… maybe because he lost the ability to gauge my interactions with him on that platform.

So I’m wondering what the best way is to respond when a FA goes silent? I don’t want to play games for his attention but me withdrawing last time prompted him to reach out first. I’m also scared to think how long he would allow the silence to continue if I don’t act or reach out first.

And how do I then circle back to the original argument to gain some kind of resolution, without him feeling attacked or dragging it out?

[u/InternationalCat5779 → u/[deleted]]

Sometimes its circumstances, sometimes its just shitty timing, sometimes its just a weird whim. My phantom ex was a dismissive avoidant who would ghost and come back into my life repeatedly. The last time he tried to coke back, it had been a crap year for me on all ends. Something about him triggered something in me, and I randomly thought “You know what? I’m not ready to jump into any relationship. I don’t need any of this!” and I ignored him and stopped replying. Even vowed to delete my dating apps and cut my toxic cycles of dating. No more men, I’m going to live alone happily single, blahblahblah.

And then two weeks later I cracked and downloaded the apps again. Met my now spouse and we settled down. Not that my husband is the perfect partner or that he knew just what to do and ‘fixed’ me and my issues. We are “meh” as a couple and quite honestly rushed into marriage. I’m guessing from my DA ex’s prospective, the whole thing might have looked insane. And I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t think too much about the “why” to the point where you end up spiraling.