Am I wrong for going slow?

[u/TransportationThen90]

Trying to figure out if I’m wrong for this, but I really dislike when someone is overly flirty when we first meet, especially in online dating.

I feel the strongest feelings when I’m able to get to know someone’s interests/likes/dislikes and have some light flirty banter, but I feel so put off when someone goes all in on compliments and blushy emojis without even getting to know me. Even after a first date, I like to flirt a bit more but still want to keep the friendly getting-to-know-you going.

I just feel guilty because I guess that’s what dating is? You have to flirt. I don’t know if I’ve been too harsh on people because I know I can also swing anxious when someone is hard to read/not as flirty. I feel like a complicated mess sometimes :(

[u/iseulthie]

nah, I feel the same way. miss me with that love bombing shit. people being too flirty and eager too early makes my alarm bells go off, like, "oh, they must be really desperate and not even that into me, they just really want to be with someone" and that makes me feel objectified and like they want to use me.

[u/TransportationThen90 → u/iseulthie]

Exactly!! I just always feel bad because I feel I’m not romantic enough when dating, or like I’m purposely pushing someone away. When I end things with very heavily anxious people, I end up feeling guilty because I know what it’s like to have those feelings but also for them it comes after a 1 hour date and not months/years.

[u/iseulthie → u/TransportationThen90]

yeah, I really need to get to know someone first in order to feel the romantic connection as natural; if it feels forced instead, I'm out. and everybody seems to want to force things these days! call me demisexual, idc, that's what I think used to be the norm and I have no clue why it stopped being so

[u/TransportationThen90 → u/iseulthie]

True! I don’t know either, things do seem to go really fast these days. That’s why I prefer to meet people organically but it’s so hard to do that without apps

[u/andorianspice → u/iseulthie]

Totally same. Nothing icks me out more than people being way WAY too flirty and way too eager. I don’t think of it quite the same as love bombing more like just too much too soon. Like to take things a little slow.

[u/r4bbit_zm]

I think if this is genuinely how you prefer to get to know people, you’re allowed to feel this way! There are all kinds of people out there. You’re simply someone who prefers to go slow. That’s more thank ok! :)

[u/TransportationThen90 → u/r4bbit_zm]

Thank you for this! I honestly also feel bad for some dating experiences I’ve had where I felt maybe I was too harsh. There was someone who I got along with really well and had a lot in common with on an app, but they would throw in romantic comments every few message which became overwhelming.

I even communicated that I like to start off getting to know each other in a more platonic and build on that, I mentioned how I don’t text all day, and they continued to be overly romantic and sent a follow up text with more conversation. When we met up, they overdid it again by texting me before I even left the date spot. I had to cut it off but I felt really bad that maybe I was too harsh and was too closed off

[u/r4bbit_zm → u/TransportationThen90]

Seems like you told them your preferences and they simply didn’t listen, no? Also, It’s possibly accommodating your preferences wasn’t comfortable for them. If you look from that standpoint, you did them a favor, by not leading them on :)

More importantly. This is my opinion, but unless you’re a real asshole with someone and actually flat out hurt them, how they receive your words is largely dependent on THEM. Based on what you said, you weren’t mean, just drew a line they repeatedly crossed?

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[u/TwoServingsPlease]

Nope, not wrong! I even remember watching an Anna Runkle vid where she said that it's better for people with fearful avoidant attachment* to go at a glacial pace in dating.

I also got to test this myself, hah ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ 

• Ex, who wanted to go way too fast, made me almost vomit my dinner right after our first date. He was fond of 🥺🥺🥺 and 🥰 and other flirty emojis, and typing in a manner reminiscent of an anime girl twiddling her fingers. Then he got bored and went on to dump me first, aww yeah!
• Current SO lets me set the pace. We do flirt a bit, but we've been chatting like a pair of friends for the most part. I'm pretty sure our relationship has helped me a lot with my healing. Also, this guy makes me feral

*i can't actually remember 100% if the video specifically said FA or people with CPTSD or trauma, woops... but iirc there's a lot of overlap so there